Considering the mind-bending experience that accessing the Tribal Decision Tree was, it hardly surprised Shin that the System’s method of building a God was also a mystical affair. The effect this time was significantly subtler, slow and surreptitious as the burning incense put out more richly scented smoke than should have been possible. The scintillating vapor eddied and swirled throughout the shrine, the kobolds’ surroundings fading to a muted gray as the caress of smokey tendrils brought the mundane world around them to a halt.

Shin held his breath as he and his two companions stood in their paused world, unwilling to speak lest he interrupt whatever quiet mystery would soon reveal itself. He waited, and waited, and before long had to stop holding his breath. Because nothing was happening, and he needed air to live.

Screw it, he’d risk interrupting whatever quiet mystery was taking its sweet time. “Uh, Momo?” The little cleric cracked open a quizzical eye, peering his way. “What’s supposed to be happening?”

“Oh.” She opened her other eye, chewing thoughtfully on her lip. “Um…I dunno? There isn’t a prompt like there usually is.”

“Maybe this works differently?” Gero offered, not sounding particularly sure of herself. “Like, we have to pray? Or something?”

“I mean, I kinda can do that?” Momo closed her eyes again, frowning in concentration. “If I focus really hard I think I can sort of…put my feelings out there? And, like, I think they get interpreted?” She huffed, puffing out her cheeks in annoyance. “I wish there were screens like with all the other stuff. I don’t want to pick the wrong God by mistake!”

As if summoned by the cleric’s complaint, a bright little chime rang out from the urn of incense. It warbled out a merry little tune, completely incongruous with the ethereal calm of the Paused World. And then a truly awful little creature snapped into being right before their eyes.

“Greetings! ” The ungodly creature sing-sang, its entire body little more than a crude depiction of a lightning bolt with giant googly eyes, “I'm Divine Bolty! It looks like you’re creating a Deity!” It wobbled around in what seemed like a horrible attempt at a sassy little dance. “Would you like help?”

* Get help creating your God

* Just invoke the Godhead without help

* Don’t show me this tip again

Before Shin could reflexively shout ‘No’, and perhaps attempt to banish the hideous thing back to the pit that birthed it, Momo perked up. “Oh, um, yes please!”

The nightmare mascot wobbled its dance again, then bent over in what might have been a little bow or might have been a death threat. “Here are a few sample Gods based on the most popular choices!”

* The Scent of Everything: All-Knowing, Secrets, Converts, Cunning

* Sunhowl, the Sky Alpha: All-Mighty, The Sun, Unwavering, Proud

* Pack-In-One: All-Present, Unity, Longevity, Loyal

Gero tilted her head, eyebrows raised as she stared at the proffered supreme beings. “Well, the second one sounds impressive? Maybe?”

Shin cut in, doing his best to address Divine Bolty without having to look directly at it. “Wait, how can we pick without having any idea what those traits mean?”

“Yeah, and besides!” Momo interjected, her brow furrowed. “I don’t like the sound of any of those Gods. They seem weird.”

Divine Bolty processed that. “What sort of God would you like to create?”

Momo responded immediately. “A nice one!”

“...Would you like to be taken to the Advanced Customization Options?”

“Uh…” Momo glanced towards Gero and Shin, who shrugged and nodded respectively. “Yes?”

The terrible creature managed a sort of disgustingly pathetic gesture with the zig-zag that was apparently its arm, indicating the screen that zipped up beside him. “Start by picking one FIve-Point Purview for your Deity to Be-ity!”

Okay, ignoring that calamity of a joke, this screen seemed to be the big haymaker options. They were entirely All-Somethings: All-Seeing, All-Shielding, All-Devouring, so on and so forth. Basically these ‘purviews’ seemed to be huge boosts to the God’s personal power, as well as the sort of boons they could grant.

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

And at the same time, they brought some serious drawbacks. A Five-Point Purview came bundled with three Divine Mandates, ranging from Daily Prayer to Priestly Authority to Ritual Sacrifice.

“Is that really worth it?” Gero made a sour face as she scanned the screen. “We were pretty strong already without a God. So what, we can get a bit stronger in exchange for a bunch of crazy requirements?

Divine Bolty danced unhelpfully. “You could always skip choosing a Five-Point Purview to free up more points for smaller Purviews instead!”

Now Shin was getting interested. So interested he was even willing to look directly at Divine Bolty. “Wait, how many points do we get in total?”

The wretched thing wobbled “Ten!”

“And how many tiers are there?”

“FIve-Point, Three-Point and Two-Point!” The creature gestured again, several more screens popping up. “Feel free to mix and match!”

Gero leaned forward, glancing over the new lists. “Even the smaller ones have drawbacks. Gods are friggin’ needy.”

Shin agreed. What made it worse was that the drawbacks were assigned randomly, so there didn’t seem to be an obvious way to game it. He still had a few questions, but no obvious strategy had presented itself. “Well, what if we don’t use all of our points?”

“Unused points will boost the strength of your chosen Purviews!” Divine Bolty hunched forward and laboriously winked, and it was everything Shin had not to vomit. “Boosting a Five-Point Purview with five unused points is a popular strategy!”

Uh-huh. “Does that boost the severity of the associated Mandate as well?”

Divine Bolty winked again, and this time Shin did throw up a little bit. “Yes!”

“Well wait, what about these?” Momo pointed towards a fourth prompt, as of yet unremarked upon by the hideous apparition. “These don’t have any drawbacks?”

“Those are Zero-Point Purviews! They are fun flavor choices that help define your Deity’s personality, though they only grant small or cosmetic boosts. Aren’t they fun?”

“This is the one I wanted, though!” Momo reached out and tapped the screen. “There!”

* UNDEFINED GOD: Kind

Hm. ‘Kind’ gave any devotee in the presence of their god’s iconography a faint sense of wellness. That certainly sounded pleasant, and it didn’t come with any drawbacks either. Divine Bolty wobbled around in what was either delight or existential dread. “Please make your remaining choices!”

Momo fiddled with her tail, offering the other kobolds a sheeping shrug. “I don’t really care about anything else? What do you guys–”

FINALIZE UNDEFINED GOD?

“Oh, whoops!” Momo quickly shook her head, raising a hand to banish the pop-up. “We still need to–”

“Wait!”

Momo paused mid reach, her ears perking with curiosity as Shin inspected the unnamed God and its paltry single trait. “What? What’s wrong?”

“Look at the trait.”

“It says…oh!” Momo raised her eyebrows. “Any devotee in the presence of the god’s icons will slowly heal over time? That’s so much better!”

“It’s from the boost that thing mentioned.” Gero gestured towards Divine Bolty, the flying freak wobbling up a storm. “We didn’t pick anything else, so the trait got a ten-strength power up.”

Shin surged forward, his eyes unflinchingly locked on the horror that was the sentient lightning bolt. “How many Zero-Point Purviews can we pick!”

“You have ten points to spend!”

“Yes, and zero goes into ten how many times?”

Divine Bolty didn’t seem to want to answer, dancing harder than it had ever danced before by way of a response. It didn’t have anything to say as the kobolds began to pick every Zero-Point Purview that sounded fitting either, other than wobbling so fiercely that it seemed as if its googly eyes might pop out.

When Momo finally hit confirm on a God that had a few dozen Purviews, no drawbacks and ten unspent points, the thing finally deigned to speak. “Fuck you you stupid pieces of shit, you don’t even exist so fuck all your shit I’m leaving.”

Shin clapped a hand to Momo’s shoulder, Gero joining them as the Paused World began to hum back to life. “Did you get everything you wanted, Momo?”

The little cleric nodded proudly as she beamed up at the fading prompt. “Definitely.”

* Tasan Okaa, the Great Mother: Kind+++, Brave+++, Wise+++, Caring+++, Nurturing+++, Protective+++, Friendly+++, Inviting+++, Curious+++, Clever+++, Courageous+++, Principled+++, Loyal+++, Peaceful+++, Generous+++, Adventurous+++, Nurturing+++, Joyful+++, Productive+++, Daring+++, Giving+++, Open-Minded+++, Resilient+++, Comforting+++

Well, Divine Bolty was going to feature heavily in all of Shin's nightmares for the rest of his life, but they seem to have finagled an optimized deity out of the exchange. Tasan Okaa, huh? Fair deal.