Back in my room, lying in bed, I shuffled the packs while listening to the loud, womanly moans that came from inside Blacky’s card.
“Blacky, could you turn down that porno?”
“Is a teamfight in botlane and we all are playing female champions!” he answered from the depths of his pocket home.
“Yeah of c—” the announcement of a triple kill cut my sass short. “I’d prefer you to watch human porn before playing League!”
“Me too! They did it now. They fed Vayne.”
“How the hell are you playing anyway? This place is not connected to the real world via internet.”
“Riot installed an interdimensional server at the behest of the Goddess. All skins are dog themed. I am playing Flaming Femdog Fiora.”
I didn’t know if he was kidding me or telling the truth, and, in such a case, I decided not to find out. Some knowledge is not meant to be gleaned.
“How long until the match ends? I want to have you handy when I open the packs.”
“Not long, I am running down mid.”
“You are going to push mid?” I asked, scratching my head. That didn’t sound convenient with their botlane dead.
“No. I am running down mid. Alone.”
Yeah, he was getting banned one of those days.
Three minutes later, the familiar sound of a nexus exploding greeted me.
“Master, I managed to get nonareported again!” Blacky’s head popped out of the card along with the happy announcement.
“Good, come out, I want to open these packs alongside you, have your input for any surprises.”
Blacky obeyed and jumped over the bed, getting comfortable over my legs.
“Blacky, how much do you think you weight?”
“Not enough to cut off your blood circulation and cause gangrene.”
I heaved him off myself, and the mound of schnauzer slumped on the floor. He didn’t move a muscle.
“I fell back to the depths of Iron,” he lamented, unable to act as anything but depressed dead weight.
“Fine.” I opened the first pack and sighed. I only got a Really-Not-Common related to Irish Wolfhounds. I didn’t have any good Irish Wolfhound cards.
I opened the second pack and a golden card jumped out and in front of my vision.
New room unlocked: Nursery!
Blacky perked up and began moving his tail. “Congrats master, your monstergirl companions won’t need to resort to coat hangers anymore!
Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.
My face was frozen in a rictus of surprise and disgust.” Can I sell it?”
“Only repeated rooms can be exchanged or labbied.”
I wasn’t really surprised that Muncher could eat whole rooms, but I was surprised at the fact that I wasn’t surprised at that
The rest of the cards of the pack were commons.
The next pack I opened spat out a choripan. “Let’s go! A snack!” I immediately seized the thing before Blacky dark-holed it. One more second, and it would have disappeared to never be seen again.
Passing the Cards, I noticed an interesting Really-Not-Common. It was a 5 cost permanent spell. It depicted a fluffy butt floating amidst a room with fleshy walls. What the fuck was that corgi involved into?
Dungeon Corge
Reduce the cost of the first three corgis you play each turn by one. When you play a Corgi, add a copy of it to your hand.
I put the pack contents aside and opened my collection interface. Filtered by breed> Corgi and began browsing all the cards that appeared, both collected and uncollected. They apparently were a swarmy and cantrippy archetype. Not precisely the kind fit for aggro: their keywords seemed more defensive than anything.
“Blacky, corgis depend on value engines, don’t they?”
“Most corgi decks aim to control the board just enough to not die while they assemble a veritable and fluffy army.”
“They erect a wall of units?” I bit my lip and giggled. “So, they have a lot of corgis die, correct?”
“If you are thinking about making a corgi deck with GLTDO, I am busting your kneecaps.”
I kept browsing my collection, for I needed to optimize a deck that could make Blacky mad.
I could turn the Mariana deck (which was a disgrace) into omnitreats to craft what I lacked of a corgi deck. I mean, it couldn’t be that hard to build something workable with dogs that kept your hand full of trash. Then, I had an idea.
“Blacky, is discard corgi a thing? Discorgi?”
Blacky looked at me whale eyed. “The demon shall not be invoked.”
“Wait… Is the D in the scorgi deck ‘discard’”
“They use a discard engine to stack the RB and then use Scorgi of the Land to close the game.”
I searched for Scorgi of the Land in the collection. It was a 5 cost spell, castable only in my turn, that depicted a group of undead corgis pulling on the arms of an old lady that lay in a pool of blood. Her own, presumably. The corgis looked healthy, by zombie standards.
“Summon 3 1/1 undead corgis. They gain effects based on the numbers of corgis in your Rainbow Bridge:
Three corgis: +1/+1
Five corgis: The undead corgis get Legstretch: deal 2 damage to everything, except undead.
Seven corgis: +1/+1
Nine corgis: The undead corgis have Run Over.
Twelve Corgis: +1/+1
Fifteen Corgis: Summon an extra undead corgi.
Eighteen Corgis: The undead corgis have Lick wounds.
Twenty corgis: This spell cannot be denied.
I checked what Lick Wounds meant. It was akin to lifesteal in other games, or lifelink in Magic. The damage they did, be it with attacks or with their legstretch effect, would heal me. It seemed like a winmore effect, but it made sense: it nulled the damage they did to me with their effect, and on top healed me for the damage done to the enemy face (and, if present, units). This meant that, in case the opponent managed to respond with a board clear.
The ebst about this all? Scorgi wasn’t a GBG card. It was just Really-Not-Common.
“Forget God left the door open, this thing sounds bonkers.”
I opened the rest of the packs. I got a couple GBGs, none of them Corgies. Some food, too. And no monstergirls, for which I thanked the Goddess.
“Well, Blacky, lead me to the car shop.”I gestured like I was putting on a well fitting glove. “We are in dire need for corgi material.”
“Fuck you, I won’t help a Scorgi player.” Blacky said, called his card in front of him and began sinking a hairy, black leg into it.
“I know the way to the store, but I am afraid I will find more flaming dogs.”
The manual manifested itself.
OwO I shall be your guide today. Trust me, you won’t die nun.
I threw the manual to a side and got up from the bed. “I prefer to go alone. Blacky, give me some spare kibble.”
And then, the manual started crying like a dog, and blacky disobeying like a cur.