The mastiff loomed over the field, casting no shadow. This clued me into a few things: it was supposed to be scary, and/or it didn’t belong to the Sonic fandom. This turn was going to be short. I played Expugsive, which caused a fat pug strapped in dynamite and ticking detonators to hit the board. It immediately fell asleep, and I invested my kibble, running out of it for the turn. I drew a card from my deck and ended my turn. Sopugriferous. Three blockers, six total attack, five total health. I could trade 3 cards for his one, going brutally down in card advantage, but removing his big beater and doing 5 damage to his face. As long as I drew my expugsives and spugcialists, I would be probably fine.
The Warden’s turn arrived and he started emitting an orange light. “I have built the wall,” he declared, solemnly. “Most of your pugs kill themselves eventually. If I don’t attack, you cannot either, not without suiciding your board. Please, scoop. You have very low chances of drawing God Left the Door Open.”
“I have less chances if I surrender, though.”
“You are playing aggro, for fucks sake! In forty minutes you will be again at the boss fight. Morons who insist on wasting his energies on lost fights starve to death, Mauro.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You have a deny in hand, don’t you?”
The Warden smiled and nodded. Son of a metallic bitch.
He invested and then played a 3 mana spell from the hand: Ghostdog purge.
“If you have less than 3 Sadness Counters: Lament, Lament, Lament. Spend all of your Sadness Counters to send that many cards from the top of your deck to the Rainbow Bridge. If you send any units that aren’t ghost or zombies or Graveyard Related Shit (See manual), discard your hand. The cards in your hand. Don’t amputate your… fine, go ahead, Emanuel. I WON’T PUT NEW HANDS IN PACKS, JUST SO YOU KNOW.”
The goddess was having your average problem with card game players: Interpreting the text as any way but the one intended by the designers. Remember Chaos Orb.
The Warden spent his four sadness counters to mill four cards from the top of his deck. The cards floated into the sky and vanished in the distance. He, naturally, didn’t discard his hand.
Ice daggers formed above me. Three of them. “Ah crap. It works when they hit the bridge from anywhere,” I deadpanned as the hail of daggers hit me.
WARDEN: 16
MAURO: 15
“Hey, Mauro, did you know that Yu-Gi players are very fond of ghost dogs? Like, extremely fond of them?” The Warden dropped some concerning trivia.
“Will you start playing from the grave instead of the hand?”
“Language, Mauro.”
He then sacrificed his KCC to summon a 4/2 from the Rainbow Bridge. It was a pale undead Frenchie with countless battle scars plaguing his body. It, of course, had Lament.
WARDEN’S SC: 1
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WARDEN: 16
MAURO: 13
“Hey, Mauro, call Bon Jovi, because you are halfway there.”
I scratched the sides of my head “How do you know who Bon Jovi is?”
“Not all the people who reincarnate are lucky enough to become players.”
I manifested the surrender card and played it. Priority passed to The Warden. “Fuck, I spent all my kibble and cannot deny it!”
The surrender went through.
WARDEN: 16
MAURO: Lil’ ass-whooped bitch
It was the first time the health counter did that, but not the last.
The Border Collies flooded the board once again. They came marching out of the sea, still dripping blue heeler off of their fur. They brought the letters.
T A F E E D
I swear they were getting worse at it with every match.
The battlefield crumbled and the beach returned.
The Warden Walked up to me and glared from his physical high ground.
“You must be killing it on Tinder, big guy,” I commented, looking straight at his thigh that was at the height of my face.
He crouched to look me in the eyes, and then, placed a claw upon my forehead. “Did you surrender just to mock my height, flea?”
“I am… I am taller than Messi,” I said in defense of my honor.
“Then you must be the tidiest person alive.”
I blinked. My honor grunted and decided it needed a better lawyer before leaving me and taking the house, the children, the dog, the cat, the Astronotus, a few Carassius, the Agapornis, the whole discography of Agapornis, and my playset of Ragavans.
“Anyway, I conceded the run because I thought you were a sort of robot up until now.”
“Preposterous! There is a soul under the metal plates and the decorative wires.”
“Decorative?”
“I am animated by magic and my own will, this marionette is merely an avatar for me to communicate with you. With you, and with the other countless souls trapped in these little bubbles of reality,” he sat in front on me and stared at the shibe-lit sky.
“Why dogs, though?”
He arched an eyebrow and glanced at me.
“Why is the thematic of the game and universe, you know, dogs.”
“Hell if I know. I am the fused souls of a man and a bloodhound. The first prisoner, granted the privilege to be The Warden.”
“What’s your name, then?”
“The Warden,” he replied, giving me a concerned stare.
“The name your souls had before.”
“I like to believe that, as a dog, I was Twister. As a man, I’d like to have been called Facundo Ameguino. The real names are, most likely, lost to time. My previous lives inhabit in the world of dreams now. Of nightmares, sometimes. And I seldom have a second to truly sleep as of late. I am The Warden.” He made a pause, and made a motion, as if inhaling. “I am The Warden and that’s it.”
Blacky came out of his card.
“I think you are not allowed to tell him those things, Warden.”
“Go back into your cardboard world, bootlicker.” He picked Blacky up and shoved him back into the card.
“Do you want me to do anything for you, Warden?” I offered, extending my hand to touch his metallic snout. “Boop.”
“Secure today’s dinner”, he said, producing a deck from below the metal plates of his arm, the cards flowing into his hands.” He extended the deck to me. “Pick it up. It is not a gift, as I am not allowed to give you free cards. However, there no rules about me loaning you a structure deck of my making to play for a quest.”
QUEST ACQUIRED: WARDEN’S HEART.
THE WARDEN HAS BESTOWED A DECK OF HIS MAKING TO YOU. HELP HIM TEST IT AGAINST A SERIES OF HIS OTHER DECKS.
GAMES PLAYED TO COMPLETION: 0/3
REWARD: 600 GBP
The manual manifested itself in front of me. It had something written on it:
Forfeit the quest and I shall grant you 1200 Good Boy Points :3
QUEST REWARD UPDATED: 800 GBP.
The text on the manual changed:
How about 1600, then? UwU
“No sense raising it again, she is going to double it every time,” I told the Warden.
“It benefits you, moron. Take her offer, go ahead.”
I snatched the deck from his hands. “You little Shih Tsun, the goddess is using us both, so the least I can do is annoy her in retaliation. And if doing that lets me help a friend, even better. I accept your quest.”
For the first time since I appeared on that miserable bed, I was seeing the Warden smile in a non-mocking way.
“I will beat your ass, flea!”