Thanks to the effect of the 4-cost Walter, I drew Mariana: Sword mode at the start of my turn. I depicted Walter holding Mariana by the tail as if she was… a… again, why the fuck do I need to explain this? You are intelligent enough to figure it out. This card costed 3 and gave 3/3 to a Walter, in addition to doing 3 damage to anything. The downsides were that it could only be played at the slowest speed, and only on Walters.
“I play Mariana: Sword mode on the plant erotica writer, and use the 3 damage to kill one of your braccos.”
The Warden shuffled the cards on his hand. “Which one?”
“The ugliest one.”
“They are all equally ugly.”
“Have you run the pertinent tests to sustain that hypothesis?”
The Warden shrugged. “There is no need to. They are tokens. All tokens are made equal.”
“Yes, that previous body of knowledge would substantiate the null hypothesis, but…”
The Warden made a gesture of time out. “How is it that you are this educated about statistics?”
“I play card games,” I stated flatly.
“Wikipedia rabbit hole?”
I nodded, prey of unbearable sadness. “I saw Student’s t’s you would never believe. Read about game theory on scenarios no man has a right to imagine. Ended up losing the locals to someone who net-decked anyway.”
“Do you want me to surrender in condolence for your disgraced life?”
I wiped a tear from my eye. “No, I wanna kick your metallic booty.”
“Fine. Then play; I don’t have all day. My poodle bitches are waiting for me.”
“But I cannot pick a Bracco at random , even if they are all equal. That is not an expression of skill.”
“Pick it, motherfucker.”
I smiled. “You are trapped with me until I end this turn at least, right? Unless you surrender, that’s it.”
“Remember I can refuse to play just long enough to let you starve. Then see if you are still such a little punk, Mauro.”
I reconsidered my options. I could kidnap him, and then I would die a horrible death.
“I want to live. Can I Ta Te Ti them?”
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Blacky popped out of the card and jumped onto my chest, making me let go of my cards, that remained floating in place. “No, Master, that’s a capital violation of the conduct code!”
I stared into the Warden’s eyes and he stared into mine, we reached a mutual understanding. “We have a conduct code?” we asked in Unison.
The Border collies flooded the place and spelled the words “CAMTH CANCELDEL”. The arena began to fade.
“What’s happening?” I asked. Blacky just facepawed.
The manual manifested before ourselves. It began yelling out loud. That was new. “You morons! You cannot play if you don’t read the Code of Conduct Kingly!”
I raised my hand in earnest. “If I lick it, does that make me a CoCK sucker.”
The goddess screeched.,. The balls on the walls began blowing up here and there. “I make rules to be read! I make rules because the world needs order! Luck and randomness is just determinism I deemed unfathomable!” The goddess ranted and ranted. I began looking at my collection in the meantime, thinking on what deck to craft next.
The manual slapped me. “Mauro, listen, you little shit!”
I ignored it and kept browsing my collection.
“I think he got overtaken by Walter’s spirit, mistress.”
That stopped the goddess in her tracks. “Oh.”
“This is a no-kill pocket dimension.” Blacky further informed. “However, euthanasia due to terminal illness is allowed.”
The Warden approached and poked me. I managed to bite a metallic finger off. It tasted horrible and the texture wasn’t exactly cash money. “He is definitely possessed by Walter’s spirit. Keep him away from the hall of flora.”
“I am sorry Master.” Blacky said. “and then produced a pen form his collar, holding it in its mouth. A female hand came out of the Manual, its nails painted blue, and handed a contract to Blacky.
I decided it was time to intervene. “Is this a fucking waiver to euthanize me?”
Blacky nodded solemnly. “I act in your best interest, Master.”
“You are giving away my right to life.”
The goddess laughed. The Warden Guffawed. Blacky chuckled. The balls who had exploded reformed and began snickering.
The Clerk kicked down a freshly installed door and pointed at me sniggering. “Motherfucker thinks he has rights!”
“Then what’s the waiver for, geniuses?”
They all went silent.
“Plot hole of reality,” went the manual, and the hand disappeared back inside it.
I shrugged, looked for the nearest giant squishy ball and sat on it as if it were a puff. “Fine. Do whatever. I cannot stop you anyway. I’ll play T.E.G. At least there is no grind for cards there.”
Blacky stared into the Warden, The Warden into the Clrek, and the clerk at the manual.
“Who is gonna tell him?” Blacky broke the silence.
“The T.E.G yhing…it’s an itty-bitty white lie,” The Clerk began.
“We found out less people suicided if we told them they would play that instead of the truth,” The Warden continued. “The darkness just eats your soul. Not the anime character, because I have been asked before, but darkness as in… shadows, you know?”
I decided not to ask how being eaten by an anime character was better than being devoured by an all-consuming force of nature.
“I think Walterism left his body, he didn’t comment about Walter’s waifu.” Blacky stated after a second. “I’d like to cancel the euthanasia.”
Ow’s Were heard and the manual popped out of existence. The Clerk walked in reverse. The door lifted back up. The balls unpopped and went back to their place in the walls. The finger of the Warden made its way up my esophagus, out of my mouth and reattached to The Warden’s hand. It felt like an oral birth of sorts.
“How the fuck did I swallow that in the first place?”
“Spite is a powerful thing,” The Warden said. “Well, huh, want to keep doing the quest?”
“Let me test the deck against normal matches, cancel the quest. No better proof of it working for farming than doing some real runs with it, right?”
The Warden nodded with a smile. “Right.”