The store was a sea of terrible red and white signs announcing the doom your people call sales. Packs, card skins, and even structure decks had some percent off their final price. And, to my horror, the prices had actually gone down. I was hyperventilating. It wasn’t natural for prices to go down.
“So, can I partake in these offers?” I asked. The Clerk looked at me perplexed.
“That’s what sales are meant for. Are you clinically retarded?”
“No, not clinically.” I answered in earnest.
“Well then, you garden-variety-retard, we are having a sale so your kind can stop playing Don’t Starve and, instead, play Deck of Dogs.”
“How do you know Don’t Starve?”
The Clerk scratched his head, “I have a Steam account. Why wouldn’t I?”
I wanted to point out the little fact that we were in another dimension, full of weird dogs and children card games, and with monster girls coming out of card packs. But he knew that already, and logic seemed not to be the strong suit of this place.
“Wait, how do you pay for the games? We have no earth-legal currency here.”
“… it’s an Steam Unlocked account…” he admitted. “Anyway, how may I help you today.”
“Stop pirating games and support the developers.” I deadpanned.
He slapped me with one of the pitbull puppies before stashing him back inside his shirt. It did hurt a little.
“The only development I support is the development of a fucking myocarditis on your chest.” He turned towards one of the stands and then addressed me again-. “All of these structure decks are twelve-fifty. They all come with two food items included, so you may want to get one and acquire some staples for other decks.”
I approached the perch where the decks, like linked sausages, hung. They came in neat, shiny cardboard boxes painted with color palettes adequate for their contents. I began reading the titles, adequate for the decks I suppose.
Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.
“HairDrone’s collie-deer.” Was the first deck, depicting a deer headbutting a sheepherding dog in its fluffy rear, sending it into the stratosphere at an incredible speed.
The second was called “The Chow must go on.” It depicted a Puli with a fish tail riding a battle-armored Chow chow, charging straight into an army of Dobermans.
“Lab experiments” depicted a bunch of wacky Labradors wearing futuristic clothing and wielding ray guns. Just your average Labrador Behavior.
“Edgard’s all-in plott,” bore several images of a gothic, depressed Plott hound staring with eyes wide open and clear discomfort at different things: old floorboards, a recently erected wall, and a crack on another, older wall.
“Breeder’s Grand Fauve Revival,” depicted a golden-colored scent hound (I think) with an unruly coat who held a haughty stare to whoever was looking at the pack. She had a tag in which “Mary” could be clearly read. And, as a last, almost insignificant detail: She was on fire.
“The Cocker Spaniel’s Band” depicted a Drever (A short legged, white and brown dog used for hunting deer) holding a golden poodle statue, tempting a Corgi who lived in a town inhabited completely by his stubby-legged, fluffy-butted peers.
Then I saw one that piqued my interest: The illustration was that of an unbelievably ugly, dark haired motherfucker wielding a golden retriever as a shotgun, pointing at a dark-colored giant made of guns, animals and …fast food, I believe. The deck’s name was “My Life After Being Killed by my Golden Retriever.”
I grabbed one of the boxes containing that deck and turned it to see the list of cards. It was a Mariana deck, containing a single copy of each GBG rarity card the deck included, and 2 of the Really-not-common cards. It contained Mariana: Sword Mode; Mariana: Gun mode; Mariana: Flail mode; several cards with “Walter” in its name and spells like Arrival Armageddon and Interplanetary Arson. Given I already had a “base” Mariana in my collection, I decided this would be my purchase for the day.
I grabbed my new deck and showed it to the Clerk. “This one, charge me for this one.”
“Are you aware that one is a shameless publicity stunt?” The clerk asked in a derisive chuckle.
“By who?”
“That’s a good question. I just get the feel of it being one. I trust my gut for these things.
He pointed at his stomach made of metal plates. I squinted at him. “That’s a shiny gut.”
“Not as shiny as the fact this thing was probably made by an interdimensional entity to promote some shitty anime… no… shitty webnovel. By the goddess, I can even feel the cringe it exudes.”
“I crossed my arms and raised my stare to look at him in the eyes. “Well, call me a cringelord. I want it.”
The bell tintinnabulated onc e and Blacky emerged from the exterior, all wet. “There is a storm brewing up out there. “
The Clerk raised an eyebrow “It never rains here, Risen.”
The door opened and a small dark cloud loomed in and over Blacky. The cloud was holding a little cauldron and stirring its contents.
“Ah.” The Clerk said, and then looked back at me.
“Are you sure you want that one?”
I nodded.
GOOD BOY POINTS (GBP): 52
OMNITREATS: 0