Despite the heavy meal, I arrived at The Warden’s room with renewed energy. This dimension would not starve me to death, and I would make sure of that by playing a stupid card game where I beat people up with pugs!
“Warden!” I beckoned for all the balls in the walls to hear.
He began assembling himself slowly, and cursed as he did. He sounded… tired.
He turned his head to the right, then to the left, and then towards me.
“Oh, hi Mauro. I am not in the mood to play right now.”
“Can you give me the points as If we had played? Because I am sort of in a tight
schedule to not die of starvation right now.”
“That’s so illegal even asking about it is illegal, Mauro!”
I manifested the Manual.
“Is that illegal?”
The law depends on how each particular situation strikes my fancy.
I sent the manual to fuck itself. It may have, or not, obliged.
“Well, doesn’t matter. I need to play, Warden, please.”
He gave me lazy stare with slow blinks. “Listen, Mauro, you are the only one that may understand this, but I am tired. Extremely so. Mine is a restless existence. Even without being wicked, I know no peace.”
“And why should I pay for the sins of other players by starving. I am as much of a victim of this system as you are. “
“No player is guilty of my torment,” He got on his feet, towering over me. “One run, and then I go back to sleep.”
“You cannot punish me further for being the one who knows you are not a mindless robot!” I protested, walking up to him and looking up to his jackal mouth.
He pushed me away with his titanic paw. “You cannot expect me to be a slave of your so-called kindness, either.”
“I have read about the things you do against others; the little allowances you give them.”
He pointed at the heaven, extending a metallic finger. “Orders from above.”
“How would you sleep if I died due to your refusal?”
He considered it for a few seconds. His mouth twitched. “Curled up, maybe. I have forgot what true sleep is, I only remember how to try and mock it. Let’s do this: one run, and if you beat the first boss, you earn another. If not, come back in six or seven hours.”
He was being deliberately unfair to me, but everyone else was being unknowingly unfair to him. “Fine,” I said, “If I lose before or at the boss, I will go to sleep too. But every time I beat it, you will grant me another run, until I tire of it!”
“You know pretty well I will cheat my way out of this as soon as I get bored, Mauro. Entertain me, punk.”
The Warden roared, and the cards started flowing from the crevices of his body. The first run was about to start.
Once again, I had reached the first boss. While the collies invaded the field and made their cheerleading act with the letters, I wondered what it would be this time. I had met two bosses, one of which had no business being in such a low stage. In my hubris (which sounds suspiciously like ubres, Spanish for udders, a signal of how our cow overladies modified language to ensure their continued worship.) I had let the chance to check the list of bosses slip from my fingers.
Any moment now, the notification off the special rules would appear.
And there it was.
YOU ARE NOW FACING THE FOLLOWING BOSS: DISCARD DISCORD.
The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.
ESPECIAL RULES: WHEN A PLAYER IS FORCED TO DISCARD A CARD, HE OR SHE LOSES 1 HP AND EVERY OPPOSING PLAYER HEALS 1.
Goddammit. These rules could only mean two things: I was either facing mill, or hand destruction. Mill was a good prospect for my deck, unless it discarded my two copies of God Left the Door Open. Hand destruction was a bigger deal because most of my chances to draw GLTDO would be my initial hand. And, in the worst case scenario, it could be both.
The coin (A newly hired one, mind you) was cast, and I got the lead. I drew my five cards and The Warden did the same. As he often did, The Warden mulliganed. I needed that shit.
My starting hand, however, didn’t seem half-bad. My star spell wasn’t on it, but I had a couple of one drops and a Pug fetching pug.
“I will play Pugmeller, draw from my kibble deck and pass,” I informed before playing my turn just as stated.
The Warden turn came and he played Dingy Dingo, a gaunt, slim Australian dog that looked like he would totally steal yo’ girl, as long as yo’ girl had not yet undergone potty training. I checked his stats and text. 1 attack, 1 health, feral faction.
“When the opponent discards a card, add 1 trash counter to dingy dingo. Any time yu would have priority, consume x trash counters, where x is the cost of a unit, to deny the effects of that unit. Walkies: The opponent discards a card from the bottom of his or her deck.”
The dingo dug under the battleflied and you could see the advancing mound on the ground, going directly after my deck pedestal. A paw that had no business being that long came out of the ground, stole my whole deck, and, after a second, gave it back and a single card ended on my rainbow bridge. It was a Rabid Chihuahua. I had seldom been more happy to see a card milled from my deck. A red thread of light formed between The Warden and I, and a single pulse moved along it, forr my body to his.
WARDEN: 27
MAURO: 25
The Warden then drew from his kibble deck and passed.
I played my kibble card, getting to yard dig the top card of my deck. It was a unit, l and I didn’t want no unit except for Pug Fetching Pugs. They helped me thin my deck, even If marginally, and were a good way to keep up the pressure while refueling.
I played Peckish Ness, and The Warden activated the effect of his dingo, negating the Anxiety of my summon and making it go to sleep. I summoned a second Peckish Ness.
“How do you get those so often in your opening hand?”
“Maur is aggro player, half of Maur deck is one drops. Ooga booga. Peckish ness and Pugmeller go face.”
The Warden skipped the blocks, so the two dogs ran directly towards him, gave an high jump and headbutted the barrier in front of his face.
WARDEN: 21
MAURO: 25
I drew from my kibble deck and passed. It had been a good turn.
The Warden played his kibble card, making me discard a card from the bottom of my deck. It was a unit, luckily.
WARDEN: 22
MAURO: 24
The Warden turn started and he played a Wiggling Robber Pomeranian, a 2 cost 2/2 with the following text:
Every time you play a non-unit, non-kibble card, the opponent either discards a card from the top of his deck, or two from the bottom (His/her choice).
He drew from his kibble deck and ended his turn.
My turn started, and both Peckish Nesses consumed a unit of my kibble.
“Hey! You denied his effect!” I protested, pointing at the Peckish ness that had lost his anxiety.
“But not the costs,” said The Warden, smiling.
This game was worse than I thought. It was like the mental health industry, except it worked!
I played my kibble card, looked at the card atop my deck, sent it to the middle of it, invested, and then attacked with everything. Once again, the Warden didn’t block.
WARDEN: 13
MAURO: 24
“Something about Bon Jovi and Half-ways,” I boasted, and then drew and ended my turn.
“Maybe you will win the fight this time around, I am ever tempted to block…”
I drew from my deck and ended my turn. I had gottn my new spell, The Pugmeller promptly perished to his breathing issues.
Turn three arrived for the Warden, and his first action was playing a 2 mana, 2/3 Dimly Moonlit Wolf.
When any player, except the controller of this card, discards a card, deal 1 to each opposing player.
Then he played his kibble card. The wolf proffered an ear-piercing howl as soon a s he saw the card of the bottom of my deck hit the Rainbow bridge.
WARDEN: 13
MAURO: 23
The red string formed and pulsed once before disappearing.
WARDEN: 14
MAURO: 22
The Warden then invested, drew and passed.
My turn arrived and I played Pug-Fetching Pug, Which drew me an Anxious Pugfessor. The perfect follow up.
I played my Anxious Pugfessor and The Warden Activated his Dingy dingo, eliminating my dog’s anxiety once more, and setting his dingo’s trash counters to 0 once again.
Given I had run out of mana, I just attacked with both Peckish nesses. They connected without problem.
WARDEN: 8
MAURO: 22
I drew from my deck. A Spugcialist, it could give me the reach needed for closing the game.
The Warden played a second wolf and started laughing. “Hey, Mauro, quick question: what is red, white, and has only a few health points?”
“Me?” I ventured, my lip trembling.
“Exactly.”
He played a spell: Hunt season. It was a 2 cost card with the following text:
For every Feral unit you have in your field, the opponent discards 1 from the top of his or her deck.
The Pomeranian began shaking, and I decided to mill a single card from the top of my deck so The Warden would heal 1 less…. And I would take 3 damage less, but Aggro-brain does not think about own hp.
I discarded a total of four cards off the top of my deck. None of them being God Left the Door Open, luckily. The wolves howled, and held their howl until my life went down by 8 points. Then, the red string formed and throbbed another 4 times.
WARDEN: 12
MAURO: 10
So this was his endgame. Stifling my plays with his dingoes. Sapping my life with his wolves. Milling me softly with his pom.
He drew from his deck and ended his turn.