When we reached The Warden’s room, crossing the big entry doors, we found him swiping the place. The broomstick was a whole tree trunk, and he moved it like he knew secret house-cleaning related martial arts taught by an old maid living under a waterfall in some virgin and ancient Asian mountainside.
“Come back later, this place is a mess. There’s balls everywhere,” said the Warden.
“The… room is made of balls,” I pointed out, gesturing at the expanse before us.
“That wasn’t a colon nor a semicolon; It was a period. The clauses are completely independent: balls are unrelated to the mess,” he growled as he attacked dust with a ferocity you only see in scorned kindergarteners.
“Why are you like this?”
“Because he is like he is, Master, as most things are,” explained Blacky. Why was he like this, too?
“It was a rhetorical question, Blacky.”
“I am primed to answer those anyway, Master. I am like I am.”
Disregarding my shoulder-riding, cardboard inhabiting companion, I began walking towards The Warden.
“We will have a duel, so I can have dinner.”
I though it would sound cooler, but English was particularly uncooperative that day.
“Fuck off,” he said, contorting his jackal face, leaning onto his giant broom. “Before I get angry and, to put it kindly and in terms your anti-sized brain can understand, I become an anime protagonist with my topdecks.”
“So you are allowed to cheat?” I accused him, crossing my arms like an outraged old lady.
“Only when little shits make me mad.”
“And if I say ‘please’?”
He left the broom fall to the side, bouncing on the bally floor like the wood was made of rubber.
“Fine, but I will choose the boss fight at level 10, instead of letting it to chance. I am afforded some wiggle room in the matter of how I chew my toys.” The Wardensnapped his fingers and the duel field cutscene started playing.
“Skip cutscene.” I said, and then all popped into place.
I choose my new deck, Pugnishment, and it appeared by my side.
The faces-coin was flipped, and I won the toss.
We both drew five cards, and, boy, my hand was repugnant. There, amidst the shooting purse dogs, I beheld two aggressive one-drops, two twice as aggressive two-drops, and a lonely removal-pug.
The aggro brain was engaged, The Warden was using a 4-cathegories deck. This meant he started at the dangerously low health value of 19. This, in turn, meant I had to go face. Few things meant otherwise, but this was a delicious sight.
I played Pugmeller, with his respectable 3/1 body, and a potato with legs and Breathing Issues came out of the card and onto the field. I tried to attack despite it being asleep.
MOST CARDS CANNOT ATTACK THE TURN THEY ARE SUMMONED, COLORADO PELOTUDO.
The pop-up insulting me like a fellow Argentinian would made me feel right at home. I almost shed a tear. I drew a card from the kibbledeck, thus ending my turn. I wanted to Yarddig into my 45 card deck and search for that sweet, sweet spell.
The Warden invested, drew a card, and passed.
“Mind me asking what the win condition in these decks is? You never do anything.”
“Most of them have eleven-card combos that instantly win the game,” he answered immediately.
“Did you craft them?”
“No, the goddess provides me my decks. And the first stages have been dumbed down to the point they are practically free wins to anyone who can put a dog on the field.”
“And you are not allowed to surrender?”
He gave a sad whimper and shook his head, dejected.
“Poor thing, remember to test my hypergrindy control decks against you.”
I played my kibble card, took a peek at the top card of my deck, and shuffled it into the bottom half of my deck. I played Anxious Pugfessor, a 2 cost 4/1 with Anxiety and Breathing Issues. I attacked, making the two mighty pugs charge against the Warden’s invisible face-shield getting The Warden to 12 hp. That first Good Boy Point was as good as mine.
In drew another kibble card. My hand was shrinking. Yes. It was shrinking good, I was burning, vomiting it into the field like a Firulais vomits what he ate on some sidewalk after it fermented for three days, no more, no less, under the scorching summer sun of Buenos Aires. Pugressing towards my own destruction.
Two turns after, and despite The Warden miraculously summoning a unit able to block, it was over.
The games until the fifth were just painful and boring variations of this first one.
But when the fifth came, I was blessed with my star card in my opening hand.
I was not sure I would be able to use it, because my deck liked to wrap things up quickly. That card was a total brick in the starting hand, but also an insurance against running out of steam.
The Warden went first this time, and he did the common turn one play of investing and drawing. Judging by his life points, he was playing a 3-categories deck.
If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.
I summoned Rabid Chihuahua, one of my few non-pugs, to my side of the field. It was a little 2/1 with Anxiety, a trembling mass of teeth and big, reddened eyes. Demonic as only Chihuahuas can present themselves. It barked and drooled loudly every second it remained on the field. I attacked and drew, hoping my card fucking died soon.
For his second turn, the warden summoned a Golden Retriever donning a red vest with a white cross. She was a 0/4, meaning it could wall my Chihuahua indefinitely but, to my disgrace, not kill it.
I played the kibble card, and carefully considered the card on the top of my deck. It was one of the three drops, which were good at getting over walls, but I wouldn’t be able to summon until turn four unless I invested, so I shuffled it back in the deck. I summoned Anxious Pugfessor to push four more damage. I attacked with both of my units, and while the Pugfessor went through unblocked, the Chihuahua got bitch-slapped by the retriever’s tail and sent reeling back into my side of the field. I drew another kibble card, thus ending my turn.
WARDEN: 18
MAURO: 26
“This time you got unlucky. This is a lifegain deck,” the warden swanked. Then, he revealed the kibble card he had drawn the previous turn. It gave him one hp in addition to giving him an extra unit of omnikibble.
WARDEN: 19
MAURO: 26
“I activate Retrievaid’s effect,” he declared, and instantly the Golden produced an oversized syringe and stabbed the Warden’s forehead with the needle. Then she pushed the plunger and the Warden gained another health point and drew a card. Immediately after, the Retriever wagged her tail, curled up in the middle of the field, and began snoring.
WARDEN: 20
MAURO: 26
“I spend my three omnikibble to play this spell: High Bar to Clear, that makes it so no small or middle sized dogs can attack for your turn.”
“That sounds like a terribly situational card that is tremendously useful against a pug deck, given the fact that my units kill themselves,” I casually commented.
“Indeed,” said Blacky.
“Warden, shit-talk me!” I ordered with my most authoritative voice.
“I am not in the mood. Sorry.”
“Spam repetitive emotes, then?”
“Wowzers,” he began. Then he drew a card from his kibble deck, ending his turn. “Wowzers. Thank you very much. Hello, tenant. Wowzers.”
I almost break in an ugly cry. It was so beautiful. But, you know: Pugs to meet, faces to be.
I played my kibble card, going to 3 omnikibble and seeing that at the end of the turn I would draw the 2/2 pug that cantripped, so I summoned another Pugfessor, invested the remaining omnikibble and drew a card from my normal deck. Only three cards remained in my hand, but that would soon change.
When the Warden’s turn arrived, the retriever kept on snoring, louder this time. The warden played another healing kibble.
WARDEN: 21
MAURO: 26
And then he played a strong, manly Yorkshire Terrier that donned a flower crown and had a mantelpiece with several herbs extended in front of him. It was a 3/3, a thing I could attack over with ease, but would probably block and kill my Chihuahua. God willing, that is.
“I activate the effect of Yorkbatero. Here, read the card.”
A giant holographic version of the card appeared in front of me. It was a 4 drop, and it had the following text:
Walkies: If you gained health this turn, deal 3 damage to a valid target to gain 3 health.
I articulated my thoughts showing off my discursive skills which dwarf every great leader on history. “Fuck!”
“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Your mom.” The Warden kept on emoting mercilessly.
Yorkbatero threw an onion into the mouth of one of my Pugfessors, killing it instantly, and then threw a weird green ointment jar in direction to The Warden. It landed and leaked onto his head.
WARDEN: 24
MAURO: 26
He drew, finishing his turn. My newest pug was gone, and my other Pugfessor would die soon due to Breathing Issues.
My gameplan had been completely wrecked by The Warden’s deck. All the damage I had managed to deliver had been already mended. Maybe this run would end here. I played my cantrip pug, and he arrived to the field with a card in his mouth. Said card got blew off his mouth by magical winds and landed straight on my hand. It had drawn one of the one drops: Venom dart pug. 2/1, 1 cost, deat one damage to anything on summon. I considered it more as reach than removal when building the deck, but now, I saw a ray of light in the fight. If units healed at the end of the turn only…
I attacked with my 3 units, and the Yorkbatero blocked the 2/2 pug, letting my Chihuahua and Pugfessor go through.
WARDEN: 18
MAURO: 26
Then, I summoned my Venom Dart Pug, who used a straw on his nose to shoot the item he was named after, dealing one extra point of damage to the Yorkshire, sending his ass straight to the Rainbow Bridge.
“Never lucky poggers,” elucubrated The Warden.
“Have at it, fan of Final Fantasy X…”
“That’s not an insult,” The Warden said, scratching his metallic head.
“…X-2.”
“Consider yourself thoroughly beaten, cunt!”
I invested my remaining omnikibble, and drew from my deck. My pugfessor left the field, falling to the side and convulsing horribly as it died.
I glanced at the card I had just drawn. Another cantrip pug. I smirked like a bad card-game-anime villain.
“Come on, Warden, hit me with your best shot.”
“I play Vampiric Tick.” He showed me the spell card. It was a 4 cost spell with the following text:
If your health is lower than your opponent’s health: Send a unit to the rainbow bridge, gain health equal to its health.
He targeted the Chihuahua with it. We both sighed in relief.
WARDEN: 19
MAURO: 26
“With the pest gone, I activate the effect of Retrievaid’s again.”
WARDEN: 20
MAURO: 26
I hadn’t read the card of Retrieveaid, but it seemed that her effect was that, if you had gained health that turn, you could heal for one point, draw a card, and send her to sleep for two turns. He drew his card for the turn and mine started.
I played the 2/2 pug to draw another card. I needed to stack my rainbow bridge, get the maximum possible juice out of God Left the Door Open. None of my cards discarded, except for the spell, so I had to send my dogs there in the way God intended: making them battle until they die of pneumonia or whatever.
I drew into one of my 3 drops, a 5/2 pug that had no beneficial keywords, but had Breathing issues. Perfect discard fodder for the spell. I played my only other card in hand, a 1/3 pug that, on a walkies effect, dealt one damage to the enemy player for every other pug on my side of the field at the moment of the summon, capping at three damage.
WARDEN: 18
MAURO: 26
I attacked with my two pugs.
WARDEN: 14
MAURO: 26
Invested my kibble, and drew my card for the turn.
I didn’t know what he could do, so I started simulating several scenarios in my mind. A unit with a lifelink-like mechanic would be disastrous.
The Warden played his last kibble card.
WARDEN: 15
MAURO: 26
Then he played a 4 cost spell: Vampiric Macumba.
Destroy all small and feral dogs on the field. Heal one point for each unit destroyed this way.
My dogs got used in weird black magic rituals, dissected and exsanguinated at the feet of trees that disappeared in the same way they had manifested into the field: in a poof, in an instant.
WARDEN: 18
MAURO: 26
He invested and ended his turn.
“Wowzers. Amazing. Your mom.” The Warden emoted.
“A pleasure to play with you. A pleasure to play with you.” I said, and revealed my trump card. Discarding the 5/2 I activated God Left the Door Open. I got prompted to choose which units I would bring back. 2 Pugfessors, 2 Pug-Fetching Pugs, the 5/2, the Venom Dart pug, and the 1/3 Heavy Breathing Artillery Spugcialist. I was tempted to revive the Chihuahua too, but it was unnecessary and I preferred not to. Suboptimal plays in exchange for mental sanity.
The effects of VDP and Heavy Breathing Artillery Spugcialist activated.
WARDEN: 14
MAURO: 26
“Packing one excellent card, eh?” said the Warden clapping enthusiastically.
I swung with everything. The dogs crashed one after another into The Warden, eventually taking his health points below zero.
The pugs and the cards from my hand disappeared as A bunch of Border collies carrying letters flooded the field. They formed a row in front of me.
V I C T Y R O
They had almost managed it; you couldn’t blame them for trying.