After winning the ninth game by the skin of my pit (I had a single pit bull card in the pug deck) elation took me over. It was time for the boss fight, and, if I won, I’d have three fourths of the points needed for buying a pack. The coin was tossed, and I won the flip.
“Before drawing our cards, remember our deal? I choose this stage’s deck,” The Warden steepled his claws and smiled wide.
YOU ARE NOW FACING THE FOLLOWING BOSS: WELCOME TO PUGTOWN.
ESPECIAL RULES: BOTH PLAYERS CONSTANTLY BENEFIT FROM THE EFFECTS OF PUGTOWN (ALL UNITS ARE PUGS IN ADDITION TO THEIR NATURAL BREED. CARDS THAT CARE ABOUT PUGTOWN ACTIVATE AS IF AN ALLIED COPY WAS ON THE FIELD.)
“Bear witness, Mauro, of the true potential of pug decks!” Then we both drew our cards. “Shit, I bricked,” said the Warden, and then mulliganed away his whole hand.
“Hey, that’s cheating!” I accused the giant Jackal robot that could gut me without even trying.
“No, Master, is not The Warden’s fault that you are not rich enough to buy Mulligan rights,” Blacky intervened.
“Whose side are you on?”
“Yours, left side, over the shoulder.”
“As you advance I am allowed to use more and more card shop upgrades. Take solace in the fact I don’t unlock the extra draw for going second until stage 20.”
I paid attention to my hand. I had three one drops, including two Rabid Chihuahuas. She was laughing, I was sure the Goddess was laughing her ass off, making me debate between a proper agro start and preserving my mental sanity.
Then again, I was playing Deck of Dogs, so there was nothing to preserve.
I summoned the goddamned Chihuahua and attacked. The little thing rushed like mad and slammed against The Warden’s invisible barrier. I drew a kibble card and ended my turn.
WARDEN: 22
MAURO: 26
“Spicy. Tell me, Mauro, what’s your opinion on toads?”
“They are neat animals,” I conceded.
The Warden played a 1/1 Non-dog unit: Pugtown Girl. It was a young woman with a yellow sundress and a matching umbrella. She was surrounded by a circle of expecting pugs. After doing that, he milled one card form the middle of his deck, and the girl gained Preparation.
I concentrated on the card to read its effect.
When Pugtown Girl enters the field, you can send any pug from your deck to the Rainbow Bridge to make her gain its keywords. If Pugtown is in play, and the card you sent was originally a pug, place a Houndtown Man on top of your deck. Pugtown Girl is impervious to the effects of enemy pugs. Additionally, all pugs you draw while both this card and Pugtown are in play get their cost reduced by 1. This card, to her disgrace, is always treated as a pug.
The Warden drew from his deck and passed. I felt a foreboding sensation creeping up my spine. Years of playing card games had taught me there were two kinds of cards one should fear: those whose effect was three words long and those that were more like a pamphlet of positive effects than a game card.
“Blacky, any advice regarding how to face this deck?” I asked my faithful companion.
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“Scoop.” Was his—very helpful— suggestion.
I sighed and played my kibble card, yardigging into my deck. I didn’t like the top card; it wasn’t my star spell nor one of my best units. If this was a combo deck, my hope of winning was getting him into the defensive (or into a coffin) before he assembled his combo pieces.
I played the second Chihuahua, because once you had one the punishment didn’t increase linearly anymore, and sent both of them to attack. The Warden didn’t block.
WARDEN: 18
MAURO: 26
I Invested my remaining omnikibble and drew a card from my deck.
“My turn, then.”
The Warden began by summoning Houndtown Man, a 1/4 that originally costed 3, but was reduced to cost 2 because it was turned into a pug by the effects of Welcome to Pugtown. He was a well-groomed man, dressed as a mechanic, carrying a beagle on his shoulder. His card read as follows:
Walkies: If Pugtown Girl is on the field and not muzzled, draw a spell with “town” in its name from your deck. Additionally, all Hounds you draw while both this card and Houndtown are in play get their cost reduced by 1. To Pugtown Girl’s disgrace, this card is always treated as a hound, and he is in love with a Pugtown Girl.
Cards that tutor cards that tutor cards (which probably tutor cards that tutor cards). That was no classical aggro, midrange nor control strategy. This was a pure, unapologetic combo deck.
The Warden drew a kibble card and ended his turn.
I played my Pug-Fetching Pug and drew onto Peckish Ness (3/2, Anxiety, consumes a kibble unit next turn). At first, I was confused, because it was not a pug. Then I realized Pugtown must affect not only cards in hand and field, but also in the deck. It was actually detrimental to my strategy. Slightly so, but detrimental still. I played puckish ness and swung with all the dogs. The warden blocked and killed a Chihuahua with Houndtown Man, who pummeled the small beast using the Beagle as a blunt weapon.
WARDEN: 11
MAURO: 26
I drew a kibble card and ended my turn.
“Well played,” the Warden said.
“You are conceding? Admitting your defeat?” I boasted, crossing my arms.
“Oh, no, no… your run ends here.”
He played the 3-cost spell Houndtown, which made all his cards into Hounds in addition to their other breed tags. Then he dropped a second Pugtown girl for 0 cost and activated the tutoring effect, giving her Preparation. Then he played a Pug-Fetching Pug, into a Hound-Fetching Basset, into a Pug-Fetching pug, into a Hound-Fetching Basset, into a Hound-Fetching Basset, all with their costs reduced to 0. Then he played Pugcifier, a 3 cost (reduced to 0) 1/1 that on a Walkies effect allowed to him return up to 3 allied cards to the hand. He kept playing the cantripping dogs and recycling them with Pugcifiers until he drew about half his deck.
“Well, I could concede right now… But, keep on, I know you are enjoying this.” I left my hand over the deck’s platform and sat leisurely on the floor as his combo went off. Finally, after he had enough units on the field to neuter any attempt of mine to beat him, he played Heavy Breathing Artillery Spugcialist, doing 3 damage to me. I finally realized what was the OTK wincon.
WARDEN: 11
MAURO: 23
“Oh God, that’s painfully slow.”
He used a Pugcifier to return the Spugcialist and another Pugcifier to hand. Yep, he was going infinite.
He played the Spugcialist again…
WARDEN: 11
MAURO: 20
And again…
WARDEN: 11
MAURO: 17
And so on…
WARDEN: 11
MAURO: 14
WARDEN: 11
MAURO: 11
WARDEN: 11
MAURO: 8
WARDEN: 11
MAURO: 5
WARDEN: 11
MAURO: 2
“Any last words before I end this run?”
“You got lucky, didn’t you?”
“Two Pugtown girls and two fetchers in the starting hand. Furthermore, this Boss fight is not on the rotation for level 10 bosses. Nor 20, nor 30. I am using a level 400+ deck with some slight tweaks. Ups.”
He began laughing like a goddamed hyena, showing all the ugly metallic teeth of his mouth. Robot spittle sprayed on my face. Motherfucker was a superspreader event on its own.
Finally, he played Spugcialist one last time. The little dog threw crap towards me, and it collided against the invisible barrier. Said barrier began to crumble.
WARDEN: 11
MAURO: -1
The barrier broke into a thousand pieces and the Border Collies flooded the field, coming out of the floor, falling from the sky, appearing from the horizon. Once again, they carried signs with single letters.
D A F E E T
I began to think whoever trained these dogs needed to be fired.
The field began to recede into the cracks on the ground. Rough Collies sprayed paint stripper on the orange sky. I felt too despondent to skip the world-crumbling cutscene. My first day in a new card game and I had already suffered in the hands of a dirty combo player. Paws, in the paws of a dirty combo player.
I stared at the balls below my feet as they became solid again. The basket one was slightly deflated.
“Master, levels six and nine are milestones. Do you want to go to the card store?” asked Blacky, and the prospect of opening something delicious from a pack made my mouth water.
“Lead the way.”