Alone in my room, the only thing keeping me from completely submerging fully into my thoughts of sadness was a single light. It wasn't the first time that an event where reoccurring sadness was evoked to myself realistically, but I think that the thought of having a friend in this sort of environment was always a thought that was utterly strange to me. Especially when that friend and I started to bond heavily over the past days and just as everything was started to look good, it all came to a swift end.

I'm usually the type of person to play games just because I don't want to seriously commit myself but I did and I got hurt in the process.

Nevertheless, as I kept on thinking more and more about my regrets, the dimming light from my phone did not stop as the number was always the same calling me. Multiple attempts had been done by my classmates in my dorm yet they eventually quit. They probably thought that if given enough time that I will recover but how am I supposed to recover when my best friend has killed herself? Is this some sort of joke? This literally doesn't happen to anyone, at all!!

So, why me?!

"......So annoying...."

Just let me be here all alone. I don't want any sympathy... These tears; they don't come as fast as they used to because my eyes are so red due to all this crying. I haven't slept ever since then. My legs have stopped shaking even when I'm with my back against the wall in my room. Empty and hollow on the end of my bed wondering how you felt all this time, Yulia, I---

"For crying out loud, can't you see how annoying you are?! This is, what, the 1000th time you've called and you haven't gotten me to pick up, give up already!"

I felt like throwing my phone that was next to me but I just didn't have the strength to do that. I have not moved from this crooked position ever since. I just want my phone's battery to run out so I can stop seeing his name on the screen.

Non-stop, Hyunda has been calling me ever since I was carried to my dorm forcefully by my classmates. I didn't want to accept it back then and I couldn't accept the fact that you'd do something to yourself like that, Yulia...!

Yulia.

Yulia...

Yul---

...

"He doesn't even let my screen go into rest mode, as soon as he is done with the call he just calls me back... How come he doesn't message me instead? Doesn't he realize that there's a better likelihood since I don't really want to speak..."

Not like I would answer, but I don't want attention right now. I... am still not done accepting that this has happened. I don't want that to happen. This is some sort of bad dream and I must snap out of it. The Yulia I know is someone who is insecure, oddly funny at times, and would have moments of times where it was hard for her to express her pain, but even so... Why didn't you tell me about this?! Do you have any idea how useless I'm feeling right now when I couldn't help you out to the point where it had to come down to your suicide?!

"......"

From my numb forearms, my sight would pry on the luminous light emitted from my right direction, strictly below, laying on the side of my bed. I've thought of simply reverting my phone so I wouldn't have to see the same name over and over again, but I'm stupidly hopeless and I want to see Yulia's name on the screen. At least just one last time...

"He's not stopping... Of course he isn't, he hasn't shown signs of stopping for... Wait, just for how long has he-----"

No, no, no.... He doesn't matter... Yulia, please tell me you are safe. Give me a sign or something. I don't want to accept what it's like to live without you. After so long, I finally trusted someone... You can't do this to me...!!

I--

"...Oh, he stopped. He must've gotten tired. Good. Stop calling me. Leave me alone. I'm... good like this. Everything black is fine."

Or so I thought but roughly after one minute, he started calling me again. I don't exactly know why but I couldn't think of anything else during that firm gap. My eyes were locked on the direction of my dark screen until he decided to call again.

"...He did it again... After he called me, he held on for one minute before calling me again."

This is weird....... How come I'm able to have thoughts of sadness when he's calling me but when he's not, I'm fully absorbed into knowing whether he'll call me or not.

There is not a single ray of light in my room. As it stands, it's 2:03 am; everyone is therefore asleep yet he keeps on insisting after ignoring me for one minute straight. Does he not realize that I could just be asleep? And isn't he worried about Daniel? Daniel, just like me, isn't having a good time either...

".....Gotta eat something or else I'll die at this rate..."

With that in mind, weakly, I attempted to get up, but before doing so, I terminated his call attempt for the first time. However, he immediately called me after. And just as I was about to end the attempt for a second time...

"...What...? He--- terminated his own call?!..."

What the hell is his deal... Does he think this is funny or something?!

Despite being slightly angry, I moved through the non-illuminated room and reached out to my lamp thus turning it on. Afterward, a small, weak light was enough to guide me to my room's kitchen. Unaware, I was carrying my phone on my right hand and after being tired of ignoring all of his calls, I decided to put an end to it, as soon as I got near the sink.

"I have no idea what you want but it's two in the morning, so I... would appreciate it if you stopped calling me non-stop Hy----"

Against all possible odds, the call was terminated by Hyunda which provoked a wave of transient anger as I looked into the screen where the call was ended shortly, however, something else caught my attention immediately.

From my door lock, a small sound erupted to the atmosphere subsequently as I felt the need to grab a knife that was right on the sink's surface without hesitation. Right in front of me, my room's door was opened mercilessly.

"Looks like a part of you has had enough, Sana."

His sight, his uncaring expression, still seat on the back of my mind solely. That scenario which only belongs to me mixed with wavering guilt.

"Sana? Hey, Sana, we have picked our orders, what about you? Whatcha gonna eat...?"

"I'll just have a caramel sundae. I'm not very hungry..."

"Really...? Not even a hamburger or some fries? Yukishiro said she would pay everything so you can be a little bit more selfish!"

"If Sana doesn't want anything else, then let her be, Arkalee. I like caramel sundae, so I'll have one too, please!"

Arkalee had to bring me back to the current reality by calling me out as we are inside our school's McDonald's ordering the lunch that Yukishiro said she would pay. Arguably, the whole place isn't too crowdy yet it's neither too empty which is surprising for a McDonald's.

It also has a table delivery system so we didn't need to worry about waiting around at the reception and thus the students that were behind us firmly took a step forward as we proceeded to find a table where we could wait in. Essentially speaking, a table for four was ultimately Yukishiro's pick. Oddly enough, today she's really attentive and is taking a lot of steps; almost going as far as wanting to control the whole flow of the conversations.

I, unfortunately, know why that's the case. She even brutally told me about it just about the time when we left the classroom...

"Oh yeah, was a funeral even held? What did they even do with her body?"

!!

"Wh-- Yukishiro, that's a bit..."

Right now, in a table for four, I took a seat left to Arkalee and Yukishiro specifically took the seat that was in front of me while asking me that question with a devious small smile on her lips.

"I meant no offense, of course. I was just seeking clarification. Honestly, I wasn't close to Yulia and I haven't heard anything about it. Frankly further speaking, this situation is the first time for me and so I have absolutely no idea how the school is handling. If they are handling it, that is."

"Okay... But even so, that's... quite inconsiderate."

"I'm aware, Arkalee, but, you wouldn't make this question and neither would Sana, so I might as well take the initiative, right? And besides, this question was to Sana! So, do you know anything about it?"

Up until today, I've never noticed anything abnormal about her, at all. However, ever since that day, that you died... It all started to slowly fall apart, bit by bit...

More than often, I am looking down with my own two eyes and I'm unable to look up even for more than just a single second. It hurts to have any hope at all.

"If she was actually your friend, she would be here. Yet look at you now. You are all alone and sad. Is it really that worth to thrive on the existence of someone that has caused you this much sadness and turmoil?"

Your way of looking at things is distorted, but what's more distorted is how Yukishiro found such motivation in this event...

"I was not informed of such things. Also, I would appreciate it if you'd at least ask if it's fine to talk about it or not... Not everyone is like you, Yukishiro. Show some respect, please."

"Oh, I'm so sorry! The truth is, I was having trouble keeping my curiosity in check, Sana! Forgive me, alright? I'm awfully curious! Ah, thank you!"

In the past months, she was always the type of girl who would look supremely bored. Fiddling with her phone as much as possible to the point of cutting all human interaction involved with her would be an accurate description. Nonetheless, that quickly changed in a single day. She suddenly wanted to talk. This all began as soon as she introduced herself in class towards the person she has in mind. Awkwardly and shyly, which contrasted her apathetic and not interested attitude that she had thus far until that day.

The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

Today has been remarkably impressive regarding Yukishiro. She took the initiative to form a group that consists of me, Arkalee, and Yukishiro herself. She would never do such a thing yet she did it now. Out of all the girls in the class, she specifically went with us two. Previously before, she never interacted well or interacted at all with any of our classmates, so this is not random. What's truly scary is how I don't understand her motivation and how she can go from acting extremely cold while upholding an unphased expression to acting with bright enthusiasm to even a clerk who is just doing his job which in this case is to deliver the menus to us at this dining table.

"Take your curiosity elsewhere... What's gotten into you these days? Why the sudden change in mood?"

Shortly delivering that answer to Yukishiro, I took a hold of my refreshing caramel sundae from the clerk. Rapidly, without any time to waste whatsoever, I started to eat the ice cream with a plastic spoon that was remotely attached to the ice cream's cup right side.

"What is this? You are curious about me now?"

"I am too..."

Picking up four fries at once, Arkalee added a comment remarking her curiosity about Yukishiro's behavior.

"I am happy."

Against both of our expectations, Yukishiro simply said that. Instead of giving Arkalee and me a detailed answer, Yukishiro went with a simplistic one.

"But Yulia died..."

"Sana..."

Almost breaking her own self-made pleased facial expression, Yukishiro had visible trouble finishing her sentence as she took one fry to her mouth only.

"Yulia's death is tragic, I will admit. But, I've already told you, didn't I?"

This time around, her gaze turned into a penetrating one. A decisive merciless glance that followed up along with her pale words.

"I will find you! Or, strictly speaking, the person I have in mind. That's why I am like this now. And you, actually know who the person is, don't you, Sana?"

"My answer will be the same... I have no idea what you are talking about. Something's wrong with you---"

"Nooooooo, nooooo. Something happened. I know it did. But, to make things harder, you won't tell anyone what happened. I think that's fine. I like it that way. It's mysterious and it's fun to look forward to. All of this denial though? Don't you find that a bit too lackluster or even extremely boring?"

Not allowing me to end my sentence, Yukishiro interrupted me with her lightning speed speech.

Yes.

I've come to realize that she's targeting me in specific or rather...

"Hey, what exactly are you two talking about???"

"Hm? Oh, right, right. You weren't present, Arkalee. If you had stayed a bit more in the classroom, I guess you could've heard it then..."

I'm opting to observe instead of speaking here... Seriously, this is so stressful. I can barely maintain my pressure... I'm not used to this at all. The cracks in my social up front are starting to show. I am not good against Yukishiro, at all. Because I already know what she wants and she's not gonna settle for a no.

And now, to make things worse, she's gonna make Arkalee join her side in her endeavor. That was most likely the reason as to why she went with Arkalee as well. Give me a break... I'm having so many mixed-up feelings right now... Just taking ahold of this plastic spoon is draining all my strength. I don't want to do anything at all, but... A deal is a deal.

"You see, I told Sana that I was going to find a certain person. However, who is this person that I'm talking about exactly? You see, it's a pure mystery."

"...I don't get it..."

What is her aim here... I need to know how she thinks or what her take is to redirect it elsewhere. And why is she just not saying the true meaning behind her words? I don't actually know what she meant when she said "I swear I will find you!"...

Despite being puzzled, Arkalee still went ahead and made yet another reflection.

"Are you referring to the one who is assumably behind Yulia's... suicide?"

Regardless of showing a slight hesitation, Arkalee said such words nonetheless.

These two are heartless. I hate this environment. It doesn't feel human whatsoever. Someone died and they are brushing it off or using the topic as a method of acquisition. It doesn't bother me that it's not right, it bothers me that it's you, Yulia, who they are speaking about without any remorse whatsoever behind their words and I can't do anything besides watch the utter your name carelessly.

I want to argue. I want to shout. But I feel so tired and hollow that I can't find the strength to do that.

"What? No, no. Why would you think that's the case, Arkalee?"

Wait, what? Wasn't that the whole point of Yukishiro's wordplay? To know who the supposed orchestrator here is...? I'm so confused... And why is she looking at me with that devilish grin despite talking to Arkalee right now? I can't understand her at all!

"E-Eh... Why...? Um, I just assumed that was what you were referring to..."

"Hm? But why? Why would you assume that that was my reference point? What gave you that idea in specific, Arkalee?"

Again... This time though, sipping on her Coca-Cola cup's straw, she keeps fearlessly pin-pointing me with her malevolent gaze...

"You know why..."

"Indeed, I do. Is it hard for you to say it? Then, if that's the case, Sana, do you mind if Arkalee speaks her mind? Whether you want it or not, it's a topic that's going to be talked about quite often. You can't avoid it forever."

"There are other topics to talk about, Yukishiro..."

God, I hate this situation. Everything in it. Even if I said those words, she will just find a way to get back to the topic regardless and there's also the fact that she doesn't take "no" for an answer. In the case that she does, she will eventually get back to it as I've assumed. It's pointless. I'm sorry, Yulia. I can't even protect you while you are gone. I am utterly worthless.

"If you believe that I don't feel any remorse about Yulia's situation, then you are wrong, Sana. It's actually the main reason why I want to find the one who is behind this."

"If that's really the case then how come you denied Arkalee's intentions? Are you saying that your words back then weren't about the one who supposedly provoked Yulia's suicide?!"

Even though I spoke my last words mildly louder, they weren't loud enough to catch the attention of the other students located on the other tables. Simply Yukishiro, who keeps eating one fry at the time thoroughly slowly and Arkalee who is indecisive as to when to speak or not.

"Hm? Then, Sana, are you implying that you are feeling secure enough to confirm that my intentions are solely based on the possibility that I'm after whoever supposedly is behind Yulia's suicide? Strange... It's almost as if you are entirely preoccupied with protecting whoever is behind it. Otherwise, why would my words back then alert you? And, if, really, your assumption was that I was looking for the one behind all of this, then shouldn't you be happy? Because it would mean that I would be looking for the orchestrator here. Yet what you've shown me is a rather... peculiar and parasitic behavior."

Slimly, the portion of melted ice cream in my elevated plastic spoon's edge started to fall rather slowly as I couldn't respond well to Yukishiro's cold logic.

It was at that moment that thoughts of isolation and most surely the instinct of running away came right back to me as I nervously rose my head up and saw her stare deep into my soul with her own ferocious two eyes.

"Booo, I'm kidding! Haha, isn't my sense of humor sick?! What do you think, Arkalee?"

"Y-Yeah, it's really... sick...!"

"........"

This is too much of a task. I can't do this... These people have no compassion at all! I regret all my decisions already enough, so what's the necessity of increasing the whole pain?!

"In all seriousness though, let's put that topic aside for now. I think we should give Sana our attention, Arkalee. She's not having this easy for her, you see..."

Yukishiro finally got to her hamburger. After eating the fries rapidly, in a momentum consequent to another momentum, she picked up each fry, one by one with vast haste, unable to show any signs of stopping thus devouring them with great ease.

Even her eating pattern is freaky... Why is there a psychopath in front of me...?!

"Are you okay, Sana...? You look a bit scared..."

"I'm good."

I don't know how these two live with themselves day by day. They are fine with talking about the death of someone who they have interacted with before. Yet they have not shed a single tear. Not even one.

Are you fucking serious right now? If only you two knew what I've been through.

"How can I know what you are going through if you don't tell me how you are feeling? It's one thing to not want me to help you and another if you actually want help but still refuse to speak regardless."

Over and over and over, your words and those moments are flashing in my mind.

I'm really not in the mood for this anymore.

"It's almost time for us to return class..."

Therefore, I got up from my seat with my fully eaten caramel sundae cup and directed myself to the trash bin that was just a few centimeters away on my right side.

"Thank you for the treatment, Yukishiro."

Optionally, Arkalee and Yukishiro, who were still eating didn't get up from their seats and just answered back normally.

"Ahhhh, no problem, no problem. It was my offer, after all. We should eat together more often. How about later on in the night when it's dinner time?"

"...Sure..."

But I won't. I'll just fall asleep earlier. I don't like being around Yukishiro. It feels like I'm alone in a room with questions in front of me and then there is a single vigilance camera in that shallow white room observing you against your will. That's how I imagine Yukishiro.

"We are here for you, just saying... You don't have to face this alone. I too know what it is like to be separated from someone you care about deeply!"

I would've appreciated if Arkalee hadn't opened her mouth at all but it happened, so I'll give her a reply before warping out of this place.

"Hyunda is still alive, but thank you for the consideration, Arkalee..."

And just as I thought that I would get away with simply just that, reality hit me in the face once more.

Unbeknownst to restrictions when it comes to showing her deep loyalty and abysmal love, Arkalee erupted from her seat with precise speed, even going as far as accidentally tilting her ice tea cup to the point of its liquid scattering all over the table...

"How do you know that?! It's an island, right?! That goes against human rights!!! It's beyond absurd how this is even allowed! It makes no sense whatsoever!! Even if it's for the sake of----"

Thankfully, Yukishiro realized that my face was starting to show minimal human reactions and that keeping this up wouldn't work out well for anyone here.

"Arkalee, Arkalee, now's not the time. I'll listen to everything you have to say. But I think Sana isn't really that interested in hearing what you have to say. I say... you calm down a bit, alright?"

Unable to produce a single answer, I left the restaurant without batting another eyesight to Yukishiro and especially Arkalee.

With around 10 minutes or so on the clock, until classes started once again, I headed to a bathroom. In mind, I had no bathroom in specific yet at the first one I arrived, in block F, ironically, I found no one near it.

"It has been quite a while since I've felt this empty. Seriously, I..."

Against my own will perhaps, the urge to vomit came in, so I hurried to one of the empty toilets and threw up there. Noticeably, no one else was in it, so my vomiting sounds didn't provoke the attention of someone else, gratefully.

Ice cream aside, nothing else came forth. My stomach; empty again. Zero strength. My eye bags aren't as heavy as they used to be, but I feel overly pale and drained.

I spent roughly two minutes trying to vomit something else but quite literally nothing else made its entrance to the bottom of this toilet.

Are you watching me, Yulia? Somehow?

"I'm sorry..."

The truth is, this is how fragile I really am. I purposely went along with Yukishiro and Arkalee just so I could have someone to talk to and not remind myself of you, Yulia.

"But it's not working...!! How do people even deal with this type of situation?!"

Even you...

I really want to die just now. If I bite my tongue off, no one will miss me. But that's not the main point. I want to be with you, Yulia. So, if I die, then does that mean that I will be able to be with you? I don't like it here. Not one bit.

"Suicide is not a solution; it's an alternative. Escapism and solutions don't intertwine for a reason."

Upon recalling his words, I laughed, which was immensely odd, while looking at my reflection at the toilet's water in the bottom.

"Hahaha... Logic doesn't solve emotional problems, you idiot... Or maybe I'm just too emotionally attached to what I give my heart for? It doesn't matter anyway... At this point, it's just a matter of time before I recall everything that happened between me and him. I rather not though."

The bell rang.

Another class full of people that aren't even close to you, Yulia.

How?

But...

Yukishiro, she... What the hell is she up to? I might not be able to do anything for myself and I'm afraid that I'll just start to feel even more hopeless as the time comes, but the fact that Yukishiro is seeking something that involves you motivates me to protect your name... Even if I'm able to do approximately nothing, it's still better than doing nothing at all.

"....."

Starting to slowly erase my knees from the humid ground, I got up and reformed my posture.

Barely withstanding with feeble legs and study breathing, my right hand reached the toilet flush.

A simple tap applied with enough raw yet nibble strength did the job as I started to get out of the toilet.

As I adamantly walk through the door, I realize that I've started to feel my bones far too much. A part of me tells me to eat but another tells me that it's pointless because I'll just reject it afterward. A strange tidal wave of mixed feelings brought forth by past memories adjoined with an unknown future. Who knew it could be this hard?

Lastly, I faced a gigantic mirror in the bathroom. There is one at the end of the bathroom's hallway contrasting the entrance. Out of curiosity to see how I looked like and what sort of expression I was wearing today, I formed a few steps towards it.

Closer and closer, my reflection became more and more visible. Connecting my fragile right hand with the watery mirror, I could finally take a full look at myself thus realizing that for a while, I've been living a vampire life.

[https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/810323018014261321/811070262376005642/Sana_looking_in_the_mirror.png]