March 29th.

"On the most recent event's behave, due to the unexpectedly severe consequences of it, until April 1st, classes are hereby suspended until then. Take your minds off and be here without fail when the upcoming month starts. That will be all. You are dismissed."

Even though it was only morning, in order to uphold a decent level of professionalism, Basara-sensei immediately went ahead and suspended our classes based on the recent circumstance that had taken place.

To my utter complete dislike, unable to find something to take my mind off, as my classmates started leaving the classroom on their own, I couldn't help but grit my teeth.

Why?

Classes are there in order to keep the students inside the classroom and teach them some sort of subject, right?

What gives?

Why are you leaving, Basara-sensei? Aren't you supposed to take my mind off from the recent circumstance? You can't even do something that simple?

In the end, I didn't bother to move, and motionlessly stood in my seat.

Unbothered as usual, my table partner did not flinch an eye and simply left the classroom.

How should I take my mind off now? Quick, I need a reason. A reason to take my mind off. I refuse to pay close attention to my own internal thoughts right now.

"Daniel, I'm closing the classroom. I know you aren't having it easy, but you aren't the only one. Come on."

"Yes."

Motionlessly, I agreed with Basara-sensei, who was a few centimeters away from me, holding the classroom's key on its hold.

I'll take a walk, I guess.

But, what then?

I need to take my mind off next. If I repeat the same action, then my thoughts will get me.

"ve you--"

Shut up. Get out.

"You'll get through it."

"Yes, Basara-sensei."

Taking my leave, I exited the classroom and allowed Basara-sensei to close the classroom door.

Seemingly, Basara-sensei was in a rush and thus, his footsteps came out way faster than mine.

Admittedly, I'm attempting to fill my mind with clouds.

I can feel my eyes weighing like a truck. My eyelids are so heavy that it's impossible to tell myself that I have slept recently.

Because I know that's a lie for sure.

"Rough, right?"

"Hyunda..."

As I attempted to leave the block, on the entrance of it, Hyunda stood, with his back against the wall.

His usual grin was nowhere in sight and instead, a more refined serious facial expression took its place, while I received his comprehensive glare from afar.

"Let's go up. There's a rooftop up ahead."

Walking in my direction and only focusing on the staircase up ahead, Hyunda suggested that.

"Sure."

Thus, we climbed the stairs, in permanent silence.

With each step, I didn't know what to expect next.

It's funny.

Supposedly, if you know what's up ahead, or rather, in this context, if by the time you are climbing a staircase, you certainly know for sure that another step is up ahead.

Otherwise, you would not climb it in the first place.

However, what if that upcoming step suddenly vanished? Wouldn't you fall in response?

Just like this, as I climb this step, if a dark void took its place, it wouldn't be a step.

A false sense of reality that captures you whenever you are not expecting it.

Expectations by themselves are flawed.

Despite reality, anything can be warped, and just like that, disappear.

"Can you climb? Do you have the strength?"

Already on the rooftop, the morning sun was starting to vanish.

No ---- the sun didn't disappear. Clouds took its place and therefore, it's simply cloudy now; not sunny.

What Hyunda was referring to though, was the top of the entrance's shelter.

There is a ladder to climb and perhaps out of kindness or just aware of how I'm physically feeling right now, Hyunda asked that question serenely.

"Somehow."

With Hyunda already on the top, as I reached the top of the shelter house, I witnessed him pulling out a cigarette from a tobacco pack that he had in his pocket.

Leasing the sky that was ready to set its rainy wrath on us, as we looked at it with emotionless eyes, Hyunda and I accepted the initial small droplets.

"I didn't know you smoked."

"I don't want to grow old enough to see myself fall victim to some wave of boring events. So, I am slowly killing myself. I have another one. How about it?"

"Can you light it up for me, Hyunda?"

"I don't mind."

It's been quite a while. It's a habit that I had been secretly seeking to erase as I unconsciously kicked that habit out of my system.

As Hyunda lighted up the cigar, unnecessary thoughts started to swell my mind.

"----gether forever-----"

Enough already.

I don't want to have these thoughts. These thoughts filled with past symbolism that I once held dearly yet were ravaged away so quickly.

"The rain is gonna come down hard, Daniel."

"It always does, doesn't it? It might be absent for a while, but when it shows up, it stays for a while as well. Yet it vanishes for a vast amount of time, only to return back seemingly a long time after. Nature is unrealistic. If something goes, then there's no room for return, yet why? Why the difference? What a mockery. A stupid travesty."

Lightly, I grinned as I stroked.

I missed this.

Emptiness is here to stay. Although bittersweet, it's something that won't go away.

Sincerely, these droplets don't even affect me. Surely, they are gaining precise weight as the rain's potency forever increases, yet it's only a good reminder.

A reminder that whatever isn't permanent will eventually fade out of existence.

"We are mortals, you know? However, despite that, our final hour is unknown to us."

"True."

Further allowing the radically-increasing droplets to infiltrate my uniform and even going as far as not minding the fact that it was getting soaked, my hair started to get wet.

However, in contrast to that, Hyunda did bring a good point.

We will die. Someday. It's futile to use the word 'forever' as that novelty is highly unrealistic yet as a past practitioner of that word, I can't help but feel like a fool right now.

"Hyunda."

"What?"

"What now? What's next?"

"We continue to breathe. Isn't that what we do every single day, Daniel?"

"Indeed. It is what it is. Yet, why? For what purpose?"

Taking a deep stroke, before speaking, Hyunda, with his permanent glare on the dark clouds above him, simply spoke right back to me.

"There's no real purpose. If life had a purpose in the first place, then we wouldn't have to question it so often. However, as optimistic and sentient creatures, the idea of believing that there is a hidden value to this meaningless struggle makes us think otherwise."

"I see."

Numb.

My hands, although severely close to the yet lit cigar are gradually becoming numb. Unable to feel the cold-glacial temperature applied by the suddenly chilly weather.

Additionally, the heavy rain that's falling upon us is slowly erasing the almost-non-existent volume in our monochrome voices.

"Daniel."

"What?"

"Your eyes are heavy. For how long?"

"Ever since then. I think. My brain won't turn off. I've been thinking about a lot of questions that I will never know the answer to. And that saddens me."

Not that I feel sad anyway.

Just revolted.

I would be fine with a simple explanation. Yet it gradually gets me every time I notice that an explanation won't come.

Only assumptions that could be based on lies. Living a false reality was something that I would be willing to accept.

However, that's not possible anymore.

"Do you want to forget? It's ---- not going to make you completely forget but it will display as an agent to disrupt your current anxiety."

As I looked at Hyunda's body movements in the heavy rain, I noticed him pulling out something from his left pocket, whilst holding the cigar with his right hand.

A small white pill was being held on the surface of his palm.

"Xanax. That's its selling name. It serves to counterattack anxiety disorders while also fighting against panic attacks. Words won't help you right now. Take it."

At first, I doubted whether I should take it or not yet with a few seconds down the drain, I eventually grasped the small pill.

With my cigar on my left hand, in the power of my right hand's grasp, on the edge of my fingers, I pondered about its overall utility.

Hyunda, on the other hand, kept delivering information right to me.

"There is a variety of side effects, despite its great utility and general usage. It can range from anterograde amnesia, which disables the ability to create new memories, all the way to hallucinations and even suicidal ideation. Though, the ones that are far more common would be aggression, rage, hostility, and restlessness."

Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.

"I see. Fair price to pay. Do you often consume Xanax, Hyunda?"

"No. It will mess with my overall memory. I can't afford that. And besides, it's not me who is going through hardship now. It's you. I won't force you to talk about it though. Because you most likely don't want to think about it."

"I appreciate it."

The cigar has met its end.

Usually, when it starts to reach the orange line, that's a sign to simply throw the cigar away.

But... No.

I will enjoy it until the end. If it will eventually cease to be, then it's better to fully experience it all the way. This apparent translucent transcience that initially seems everlasting is nothing more than a conjunction of idealistic thoughts that aren't overrun with pessimism nor determinism.

"Do you regret it, Daniel?"

"Is there even a point to regret? It's just a reminder that you made the incorrect choice. But, if you already know that, then why even bother thinking about it? Nonsense."

"Regret ---- very much like every sentimental reaction, has an uncontrollable momentum to it. That's why it's not worth trying to deny it. Have you realized that, Daniel? That despite the lack of meaning in your actions, words, thoughts, and vice-versa, what you have is just regret."

"I suppose so. It's my fault. Naturally, I had it coming. Alternatively, someone else can take that regret instead, but that thought is seemingly unbearable for the most part."

It would be fine if the regret flew in the original direction.

However, not knowing its direction despite its origins does leave me with a sporadic elevated sense of confusion and anxiety.

"It's actually not your fault though."

"Yeah, it is. I started it. And not even being able to finish it would leave me with initial regret but perhaps the biggest hit was when I realized that I was already doomed to witness a tragic process."

"How is that your fault, Daniel?"

"-----re different today------"

Go away.

Stop pretending to be here.

"I don't know, man. I guess, I... unknowingly, somehow, out of desperation, started to believe in what I shouldn't have believed in. My mind wasn't strong enough. I contracted that weakness that you spoke of. And now, it's knocking at my door every now and then. It bargains and with every rejection, it progressively grows stronger as it comes back far faster than I wish it would."

"I see. So that's the conclusion you have arrived at."

"Yeah, Hyunda. Are you going to go into long lengths as to why I'm wrong and why my ideology isn't applicable to the current reality?"

Softly, subsequently, pulling out yet another cigar from his pack, lighting it up with precise speed, Hyunda cracked a mischievous grin.

"I don't have to. You already know that."

"Yeah."

"But still, it does feel stagnant when you don't know what to do next. Have you thought about the afterlife?"

"I have, Hyunda. But, if I have to go through this process again then... if there is an option to just cease to exist, then I might, out of guilt and sincerity, select it instead."

Whenever I think about suicide, the happy thought of there being something up ahead that will contradict all the boredom and endless rounds of self-doubt that I have in my routine keeps me away from all the possible skepticism.

This brings me up to a conclusion.

If Hyunda feels the way I do towards life, then how... how can he still held on to it?

I must know.

"Hyunda."

"Mhm?"

Taking yet another deep stroke and letting out all the smoke stored up, he looked at me with condensing eyes that shone amidst this pouring rainfall.

"If life is so overall meaningless, then why do you keep going?"

"Life being meaningless has nothing to do with it. You don't need a purpose to keep yourself going on. Purpose just gives you the motivation to push through what you deem is hard to recover from."

"So you don't need that motivation? Man, you are strong as hell. Are you even human? Are you sure you didn't come from another planet, haha?"

For the first time, ever since that certain circumstance, I cracked a smile midst this endless rain.

Hyunda did the same, which left me softly relieved as he understood my intentions. I realize that he's human as well and that therefore that was a joke.

Yet to me, you feel far too different from the rest.

Your essence reminds me of the vulgarity that I ordinarily despise and how I keep fighting it without knowing why.

"The presumption that we are here to fulfill some sort of purpose is lackluster as it lacks ground, essentially. That's why, Daniel, I never really believed in purpose for myself. It's a different story to others though, naturally. You, for example, qualify as someone who believes in purpose. Yet, are you starting to realize the contradiction of that philosophy? How holding onto a specific purpose can lead to your biggest downfall?"

"What could I have done? My mindset was completely certain that I was at least going to have a fair go at it yet I couldn't even try."

You were always unfair when it came to giving chances, weren't you?

"Hey."

Meeting its end, Hyunda's cigar was starting to extinguish itself out. The horrendous pouring rain which is making both of our uniforms beyond soaked was ultimately adding more effect to that factor.

Nonetheless, not caring about that, Hyunda called out to me, once more, with his usual monochrome voice, which could barely be heard in the middle of the magmatic resonance that the droplets formed every time they timbered on the liquified ground.

"Don't kill yourself. What she did does not mean that you should equally do the same. You know that, right?"

"But I don't know what to do next. I tried figuring out how you managed to push through life every day but you... didn't exactly reply to it."

"I have a vision. A vision that I... am not sure if I'll be able to finalize concretely with everything going its way. That's what's keeping me going on. A vision. I couldn't say this to you because you don't have one. These words, right now, bare little to no relevance to you. Because they are about me. And you aren't me."

"So, there's nothing left for me, Hyunda? I'm just like the rest then? Then, does that mean I should also put my mind into a state of high hopes and set my mind on a race to accomplish something?"

"Maybe. I don't exactly know how to think like a normal person. I can perceive one, but I can't think like one. However, I do have an offer, if you are down to it."

"What's the offer?"

Crushing his cigar on the wet ground, shortly after, Hyunda replied back to my ambitious question that was made out of self-interest.

"Follow me. I can make your life meaningful. Unlike the rest, I do know how to attribute value and purpose."

"Follow you...? But how? Do I just go around and follow every single one of your orders?"

"No, Daniel. I'm saying, learn from me. You can be identical to me if you so wish for it. However, never truly like me."

"......."

I wish I had the current strength to give him a positive answer. Even when nobody else bothered to seek me or consult me ever since that event, Hyunda, you...

"Not now though. Just think about the offer. Life has a fun side to it. A side beyond that which you currently perceive as. However, it's hard for you to believe that. That's why, whenever you feel like believing in my words, seek me."

".....What will it feel like...?"

"Surprise. However, don't think about this right now. Your current thoughts regarding the recent situation are more important. Go to the dorm. Take that pill. Have a long talk to yourself. Reflect. And when you feel ready, when you feel like it's time, when you feel like it's time to move on---"

"But what if I never move on?"

"You will move on. It's not your fucking fault that this has happened. Someone's selfishness doesn't give you a reason to stay in that pathetic state of mental health."

As expected of Hyunda.

His mental strength is what makes me view him as someone different from the rest. He upholds so much confidence that it's blinding.

And right now, as I attempt to block upcoming thoughts of reminiscence, I find myself lost in a train of thought chained with unpleasant memories.

"Thanks for doing this, Hyunda."

Felling massively soaked from the rain still, I left Hyunda in the rooftop, as he said nothing in return and started to smoke his third cigar.

Eventually, I passed through my dorm.

There, I saw my classmates not bothered by the event that had recently happened.

Some would even go as far as already be laughing at their usual jokes. Nothing out of the remark.

Thus, I reached my room.

The light in my room was intoxicating, even though it was raining at that moment.

Therefore, I closed the blinds.

Less light now. Close to near perfection.

I took a glass and filled it with water, as I approached the sink.

Subsequent to that, I inserted the pill on my tongue's edge and with the water helping me swallowing it, the Xanax pill had officially gone down.

"---No one knows when it exactly happened, however, a few moments ago, a red-crimson stream of blood was drenching from the staircase---"

As I take a seat in my bed, that was messed up due to my inability to sleep as of lately, I went down memory lane.

In it, I could witness Akimiyashika, along with Kuzan, explaining the situation.

Each and every single one of them refusing to be concrete about it.

As I additionally remembered an additional piece of information, I titled my body back and hit with my back of my head to the wall, causing transient pain.

"........Fucking cowards.... Every single one of you."

Hyunda.

I know you probably didn't bother to ever mention her name because I would certainly not like the idea as I am still trying to figure out the reason for the occurrence of that event, but...

It happened.

"------W-Wait! You shouldn't go inside!!-----"

Hinagiku attempted to keep me out of the dorm, but I got scared.

Not seeing you and the fact that Sana, on her knees, right at the entrance's edge, was literally crying her eyes out, alerted every single one of my senses rushedly, out of sheer fear.

However, perhaps the most shocking part was when I found you, on the second floor.

Somehow, your body was lying on the floor. An object that I had no clue how it got there in the first place was in your right hand and your index finger was touching the trigger of it.

With your blood being scattered throughout the hall, it became evident, as I climbed the stairs filled with red-crimson blood.

"........I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you......."

I tried to talk to you. Hopelessly, I, out of despair, attempted to reach out to you, even when I deep down, already knew that you were... long gone.

Needlessly, I checked for myself your physical state as I silently allowed my tears to stream down from across all my face.

Yet when I checked your face, your eyes were open, motionless. Tears were on your face but the one that kept crying and regretting not coming earlier was not you, it was me, Yulia.

".....Exercise......."

These thoughts. They will keep on rising even further.

I need to take my mind off. Again.

Thus, I took out my blazer, stripped, and put on a sports shirt.

I used to often exercise whenever I had time in the past. To kill boredom. A selfish addiction made for the sake of erasing the never-ending bland sequence of events that were happening in my life.

"One..."

On the floor, I started to do push-ups, without any specific number in mind. Usually, whenever I do this, I attempt to break some sort of record, yet I had no such goal.

Now that I think about it, it started with exercise, didn't it? How our first meeting would set itself in sequence.

The actual reason that set us up was something as stupid as that. It could've been someone else, but it had to be me.

I constantly blamed myself for what I had done to you, Yulia.

And even now, as I push my body to the limits, these tears, that clog my vision, are for you.

Yet, where are you now that I need you?

"Seven.........!"

You made me realize that, after all, I wasn't so emotionless as I thought. I even considered myself as someone who was afraid of letting go.

Certainly, I didn't give you everything I had.

"Fourteen..........!"

You didn't let me.

"You can't ever say that! I won't allow you to! I don't want another person! I only want you! I know I might get stubborn and obsolete with time, but... that's just because I have been through a lot and sometimes I can't help myself!"

You said you wanted me and that you wouldn't want another person but you took my heart and left me lonely.

Claiming that you have been through a lot, I made my best effort and transcended that unpleasant sentiment of guilt into a feeling of love.

"Twenty......!"

What happened to you? What the hell happened?! You could have called me. Sought me. But no.

When I went ahead and sought you, you were lying on the floor, bleeding from the top of your head.

"I won't leave you. So, let's, instead, stay together, forever. Alright? I don't mind if you are clingy or not. If you are selfish or not. Whatever comes from you, I will embrace it."

You will never know this because I didn't tell you and it fills me with regret that I didn't, but I never opened my heart like this, so genuinely to someone else before.

But apparently...

"Thirty....!!"

Apparently, my words had no meaning whatsoever.

No weight. No value.

Was that the case?

I saw no purpose in asking those types of questions, questions that were based on self-worth or redundant doubt yet that alone was fine.

It was fine.

"Forty..!!"

However.........!!!

You.....

Yulia...

Was I not enough? I know that I am shit, but your words still left me to believe that there was still some hope left. That despite all my flaws, they wouldn't come in the way.

Was I too imperfect? I'm sorry.

"Fifty...!!"

Yulia....

Suicide?

Why?

Was I that much of a fucking waste of oxygen to the point that you had to suicide just to prove your point?!

If you had just told me in the fact that you never loved me and that your words were never even remotely real in the first place then I would accept it.

I'm aware of my own state of being.

Therefore...!

"Sixty-four......!!!"

Why?!

You were the only one I was ever going to open up to! No! I already had opened myself up to you yet I was confident in my ability to go even further and surpass my apathetic nature.

But now that's not possible. It just isn't.

"Seventy-one..!!!!"

Yulia, I loved every moment that you were around as soon as I recognized that I was feeling the genuine thing for you.

Just the thought of encountering you on sheer coincidence set my expectations on fire.

It was stimulating just thinking about it.

But when you decide to leave me like that, with a hole in my heart?

I fucking hate that.

"Eighty-two......!!"

Why didn't you seek me? Why didn't you wait for me?

We were bound to meet each other eventually, right?!

So, why didn't you wait?! Your doubts; I would erase them! For you, I would have done anything yet, you...

You......!!!

You fucking leave me like that?!

"NINETY-FOUR!!"

Was that intentional?! Did you know already ahead of that if you committed suicide that I wouldn't be able to reach out to you in any possible way because you'd already be gone by then?!

Was it really that much fun toying with my fucking emotions?! Emotions that were solely reserved for you and no one else on the plane of existence?!

I was even fine with never receiving happiness! I already had come to terms that I would never be happy. It was never about me, but you, Yulia.

Despite that, you...!!!!

"ONE-HUNDRED!!!!"

Out of breath and feeling my arms lose any strength they had left, the right side of my cheek embraced the cold ground.

Despite not having much strength left, already on my physical wit's end, I delivered a punch that had the intention of coming out as strong yet it was ultimately weak, on the ground.

"......Damn it...!! No one warned me about this! Suicide?! Could it not have been anything else but that?! I wouldn't mind if you had said it was all fake and that you never felt a thing because that's what I get for deceiving you but when you go ahead and suicide like that, without my knowledge, how can I ever think of that as an act of love?!"

With my mindset on conviction, I forcefully got up, went to my desk, and grasped a random notebook.

Then, I ripped one of the pages and additionally took ahold of a pen.

On my knees, I started writing.

A list of my regrets.

"...Positive expectations.... Never expect trust... Falling prey to fake love...! Fair chances....!! Fully trusting myself to someone who I love! Love someone. Open myself emotionally. Not telling you that you're the only one. Not being there for you when you needed me the most. Not having the ability to fix myself but still think that it's fine because I thought that loving you would erase that factor...!!"

At the end of it all, I wanted something I couldn't take.

You never told me that you were alone. And it's my fault.

It was my duty. I should've been there for you. I shouldn't have left you all alone.

That absence was crucial and it was my fault.

But still...

You placed no faith in me. At all.

Now, I have to see it.

I have to see the cruel reality that you shared with me, Yulia.

No.

You never went as far as sharing a reality with me, did you?

Because you showed me love. A type of love that I will never be able to forget.

"Fake love."

I would give myself to you, but now...

"Now that you are gone..."

There's no going back.

You left me here all alone. You spoke words about a certain future where you and I would be connected on a higher scale yet...

You didn't have to resort to this.

There were other alternatives. I know there were!

There must've been!

"One more time, help me say it again."

Even if you're gone... You... never thought of me for a second.

Did you think that leaving me behind like that was gonna solve anything?

I'm scarred for life and.....

"It's all your fault!!"

[https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/810323018014261321/811237035657396234/Daniel_mourning.png]