Part 9 (cont.)

“I ran into Tessa. She advised me about a delay in the device turning off. But I didn’t know we were going to have a Kinrae advisor or anything.” I wanted to ask as well about Allison’s side effect but I couldn’t figure out a convenient way to explain it without admitting I was loaning the device.

Brandt explained, “Tessa came into this last minute, just this week. It’s kinda new to me as well. Typically there isn’t a lot of oversight of the devices by the Kinrae who deliver them to the college. So far as the delay, I couldn’t tell you off-hand. What did Tessa say?”

I relayed what she said about a battery problem which I assumed to be a bad battery. Brandt pondered on this a bit and agreed but admitted, “Tessa would know more...so far as I’ve been told.”

Someone on the other side of the video conference, in muffled, buzzy tones, relayed that they had an oddity similar to what Allison had experienced, with their voice sounding unusual. It was only temporary though. Brandt referenced how such problems usually went away with time and use.

The other technical questions were lost forms or navigating the menu as well as problems dealing with the screen and forms suddenly cutting out due to a bad signal from the controller. I rested against the wall and looked towards Lissa. She had on a heavier gray jacket than usual. She glanced away and struck up a conversation with the person next to her.

Most of class was a lot of technical troubleshooting before we finally got to impressions. There were some really deep comments which were far more lucid than anything which dribbled out of my head.

“It’s incredible to think that several someones gave all the details of what they looked like to let people they will never meet experience a little bit of what it’s like to be them. It kinda reminds me of this one cultural group the textbook mentions and their opinion that the human body is somehow inherently sacred and you must share it visually and celebrate it in all its aspects. I wonder if the Kinrae may have some equivalent.”

The professor consulted the textbook and soon found that particular group and used it for a bit of speculation while contrasting them with what could be known about the Kinrae. I doodled some notes but soon found myself surprised when the Professor singled me out. She asked why I picked my particular form, noting, “You have bright blue hair which is intricately braided. I don’t remember any form choices with that.”

I gave credit to my roommate, which caused a curious look from the professor. Likely none of them on that side knew Allison personally. Professor Brandt also asked me what I felt I’d learned so far from the experience. I pondered a bit and thought about Lissa in the back before I offered my full response.

“I can’t say for sure what I’ve learned yet. There’s still so much I’m just trying to absorb but…I’ve found a lot of things about the Kinrae for myself which feel important to all of us. There have been people and things I’ve treated like they’re flawless. There was always something about the Kinrae which made me think that. Like they're divine beings. But I’ve discovered so much humanity in what I’ve seen which makes me see them more clearly. And that helps me to see the people around me differently. People who I couldn’t imagine ever relating to become more understandable. It’s like walking around in a different skin helps you to see how shallow that skin really is, if that makes sense.”

The professor leaned forward attentively and replied, “I’m sorry but part of that cut out in transmission. I think yeah…you’re getting at what I’ve said is the core of this class. To see cultures with a better sense of objectivity. Alright. Good start there, Sean. And why did you choose the blue-haired form of yours? Apologies if you said and we missed it.”

I sighed and replied, “No reason. I just put the device on random and decided it was alright.” There were scattered chuckles on the other end of the microphone and the professor said, “I see. So, who else?”

The discussion went around each side a few times with the other end monopolizing some of the long discussions. I’d said my piece though. I looked back to find Lissa with her head up and a soft expression on her face. I responded with a quick smile.

We had an actual break for a few minutes about halfway through the conversation as book pages started to be mentioned. I hadn’t kept up with the reading but I was still able to follow it. During the break, Lissa hurried from her seat and wove between people on the row to get over to me. She said only, “We need to talk after. And I’m ready. Finally ready. I think. I hope.”

I nodded back to her and gave her the device and controller. She looked at them and glanced at the screen. For the break, the live microphone was turned off. Still, she lowered her voice and asked me, “You sure? What about Allison?”

I had to take time to think of my answer. “Allison is fine. There are options.” I held my controller against myself as if to say, “Allison can use mine.” Lissa pursed her lips and told me, “But we need to talk still. I feel like…. I mean I know this week has been a mess. And I made it worse. I don’t want to do that ever again, especially not to you. We can find a conference room in the student lounge to talk.” Then she took her device and controller and inched her way back to her seat.

Class finished with that looming over me. Lissa left first and I followed at my regular pace. She was there way before me and had signed up a conference room. It was one of the smaller ones with a single whiteboard and a short table. She paced a little when I came in. I deactivated Corlie and waited through the delay till my male face was back.

She followed that by telling me, “I prefer that face.” Before I could respond, she took a quick step towards me and kissed me firmly on the lips. Her hands touched at the sides of my cheek, brushing my faint facial hair, before she finally released me with a nervous pant.

I stared at her with my lip drooping slightly. She clenched her teeth and muttered, “I really don’t know if that was a bad idea. It was, wasn’t it?”

I returned her a calm, friendly look even as my mind was racing. She took a few breaths and then finally started to unravel things.

“I had a lot of long talks with Linnea…uh, Michael…It was so strange. I was so clenched my stomach was going mad. But things relaxed after a while. We talked. Really talked…you know? Probably the first time ever. We talked and it was like you said in class. It was like I could see him without my gritting emotions and my pain and all my stuff I’m hauling around and I was just looking at him. It was refreshing but I saw clearly so many things. I want him to see Quilla more. I really felt connected with him for once but….what we had won’t come back and I don’t want it to. They were bad years of overwhelming mistakes. Then we talked a lot about you…” She gave a cringe and apologized for that before she explained, “And I know that you are like a best friend to me and I trust you and I care about you. But there’s also something else. And I have no idea what it is but I just let it kiss you a little bit.”

She said a quiet “crud crud crud” to herself with her eyes glancing away. I approached and put my arm around her. She clutched my hand and her gaze pierced me. For a flash of feeling in her eyes, I thought she might kiss me again or unleash herself like Allison had done on Monday. Instead, she pulled herself close to me and rested there.

I rubbed her shoulder gently and she told me, “I’m really scared. I’ve been scared so much. I feel like there’s nothing but cliffs all around me everywhere I step and if I make a mistake then I’ll just go squish like a grape. But the problem is…I have no idea what to do or not do.”

I wrapped my arms around her, afraid that something might swell and give the wrong impression at this critical moment. I took a deep breath and told her, “I love you, Lissa. You are my best friend. You’ve said it too. And I’ve said other things. I mean all of them. But I know how complicated it is. I know you want to have a friend you can take to a calm meal or a silly movie and just not have to worry about other stuff getting in the way and making it complicated.”

She nodded and leapt in. “Exactly. And I thought I felt just that way. But since Monday…I wonder more and more what I really feel because so much of what I was feeling was shallow or ignorant or just plain dumb. I have no idea what I want.”

This was beginning to feel oddly familiar. I urged her that she wasn’t dumb and that she was smart and lovely. She waved me off, “I appreciate that but this isn’t my self-doubts needing placating. I mean I really feel like I’ve been doing something wrong. I feel so many things for you. I just focused on the friend stuff because it kept it simple. But that’s just part of it. It’s like you said, I don’t really understand you. I wish I could climb around in your head…and then in your pants.” She glanced away with her mouth clenched.

Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

I invited her to sit next to me at the table. Her legs fussed about and she took a breath as she murmured, “God, I feel like a blasted teenager all over again.”

I waited till her jitteriness settled and told her, not sure where my own words were coming from, “You’re not a teenager anymore. You’re a mom and, as you’ve said to me, that’s so much scarier. You’ve been in a long-term relationship you thought would be for life. I can see what you mean by feeling like you only see part of it. But you need to make mistakes. I know you feel like you’ve made so many with Michael but even those mistakes are part of your life, part of living. You can’t live in fear of your choices being wrong.” Each word I spoke struck me as an echo but they also led me into a sense of uncertainty which Lissa was probably feeling too.

She listened and breathed until she said, “Okay…then I really need to make some mistakes all over you.”

If she’d said that Sunday then I would’ve been all over Lissa like my two girlfriends before. But I’d been through Linnea and a lot of reflection with Allison. I realized just sitting there with Lissa was beautiful. The quiet of the room. The warmth of her hand. Even the stark fluorescent lights overhead. And she was the most beautiful part in ways that words failed me. At the same time, I’d been discovering so much about Allison and so much within myself. I told Lissa all this as she listened and watched me carefully.

She pondered my words and pronounced, “You should choose Allison. You’re a certain way which we understand in one another. But they always say likes don’t match as well as those who complement each other. You balance Allison’s energy and she excites you.”

She had a point. I could tell that choosing Lissa would be harder. But why did I have to choose? I put this question to Lissa. She gave me a faint, warm smile as she said, “I know Allison wouldn’t mind if we both joined her harem….I wonder what my parents would say? They still aren’t keen on Michael living away from me.”

My face hardened as I told her, “You need to live your own life without worrying about them. If they still love you then it doesn’t matter. But if they don’t then you have to move on. You have to.” My hand trembled a little.

Lissa noticed the tremble and said, “I’m sorry to make you think about your parents. And with my choices….maybe it’s too soon and it’s all too raw for me. But kissing you was nice. A real kiss. You deserved it.”

Then we hit a moment like all the forces around us seized up. We could’ve said more to each other but nothing seemed to come out which might guide us to the next thing. So we sat there, until I hit upon an idea.

I told Lissa, “I’m going to Lawrence Park with Allison this afternoon…you know…the one way out there with the huge duck pond and everything. Would you like to come with us and maybe bring Quilla along?”

She narrowed her eyes and peered at me, “You want to take both girls you like on a date? You dog, you!” She tempered her words with a grin.

I waved my hand and told her, “It’s a big enough park to share.”

Lissa giggled and nodded. “That it is. Like half an hour to walk all around. And plenty of stuff for Quilla to be creative with. And she needs a healthy fear of geese. But…I’m going to have to pass.”

I didn’t push her. I accepted her answer and instead asked, “In that case, then a Thursday movie night is a must this week.” And I already had a film in mind.

For a fleeting instance, Lissa resisted, but she swiftly relented when I mentioned the movie and told her, “I refuse to leave my friend without a movie buddy.”

She brushed her feet together and told me, “Right. We can’t have that. Thursday at the usual time. Promise.”

That settled, I gave her a kiss on the cheek which lingered close to her mouth. She looked annoyed for a second but smiled. We then chatted about insane professors and I filled her in on the details of my encounter with Tessa. Lissa offered bluntly, “Maybe she’s stalking you. Maybe I’m her right now with a disguise on. You need to pinch my nose or else you’ll never know if it’s a falsie or not!”

I did so and Lissa gave a sudden honk before noting, “Clearly, I’m a dirty spy.”

We parted with smiles but I felt a frown drift across my thoughts, like a stray cloud, at the memory of Lissa’s parents. We had sailed and staggered and tumbled through that part of the conversation but I felt stuck in it. Lissa knew enough about my parents to not want to ask more and I knew enough of hers to know not to worry about the details. Her parents were viciously traditional, ruthlessly bitter, and sharply-tongued but they loved her deeply. She knew that well, despite all the arguments.

It wasn’t the same with mine. And that was as far as I explored that thought. I kept what I felt of my parents to quieter moments, to common gripes, and calm nights out in the hazy past. My dream had kindled sympathy for some other me but it also agitated memories when I dwelt on it. So I let it be. If I pursued it then it might infect the rest of my thoughts and I didn’t need that when I wanted Allison to enjoy a beautiful evening.

I carried that focus back home and delivered news of Lissa to Allison. He applauded and cheered but lamented the loss of the harem Lissa had suggested. He joked about that, noting, “Why stop at just the two of you?”

It was still early enough that there was plenty of time to prepare the picnic meal. The basket for it would be a repurposed, wooden storage container Clayton had salvaged and wanted to turn into something diabolical before Allison rescued it for occasions like this.

Lissa. I mean Allison lingered a little but let me work on the food. I was feeling good about it. I would make sure that Allison loved this meal. I knew I couldn’t approach his culinary efforts but it would still be worthy of him. While I worked, he got used to my device and gave himself the pink-haired form he liked the most.

Our meal was nearly set, aside from a bit of organizing, when the phone rang. Allison picked it up first and answered with her best, girly voice, “Hellooooo?”

She listened, nodded, and then passed the phone to me, announcing softly, “Uncle Nolan.”

I transferred the call to my room and smiled, saying, “I didn’t expect you to call back so soon. Things alright?”

He paused for a good while. Not the best sign. I pressed him and he quietly admitted, “I’ve been hush when I should’ve said something. I’m so sorry. First, I’m not dying. And it’s not about me.”

I shut my eyes and asked only, “What is it?”

He gave a long sigh. “There’s more than we suspected. Do you want to know?”

“Yeah. Go ahead.”

And so he did. I tried to breathe. The words were softened by Uncle Nolan’s care but they still slashed me and smacked me in all the sensitive places. I listened to as much as I could bear before I finally had to tell him, “No more today. Email me. Write it down. I’ll take it as I can.”

I could hear the kind of sounds my uncle made when he was trying to keep himself from sobbing. I told him, “No sadness. You were right to tell me. It hurts. It’s what I suspected. But it’s the painful truth.”

I said that but I wished I’d missed his call. I wished the phone had been down or it had gone to voicemail. I didn’t want to hear this. At the same time, it was a release. But a release into a den of hissing vipers. It wasn’t my uncle’s fault but I just wished I could’ve put it off for one more day.

He cleared his throat and said, “That isn’t all, I’m afraid. There’s one last thing.”

I braced myself. I listened. I rocked my head slowly. When he was done, it was my turn to be quiet till I could find the words.

“Never. No. I won’t and I refuse. Pass that along. Can you do that for me?”

He immediately answered, “Absolutely.”

My mouth trembled to say more and I couldn’t hold it back.

“You make sure you say it to her the way I said it. I can’t… if I went then I would say how she gave up all her rights to be a mother long ago. How I wish for the day I can dance on her grave. How there are so many horrible things I want to curse and scream at her, that the language hasn’t been invented for. And that I want her to know that I always knew and now I have her own admission to the horrible things she did. And I hope she rots in that nuthouse…no, psychiatric hospital, as a courtesy to the others there…for the rest of her long days, which I beg to be filled with suffering. I would tell her that right before I choked the life out of her. So yeah…I’m never going to see my mother. Tell her simply ‘never’ followed by silence.”

Uncle Nolan apologized one last time. I sent him my best words with a smile on my face, despite the fact I was still furious inside. We parted with a dumb joke to which we both laughed more than we would’ve at any other time.

I finished my picnic basket with a smile and a still face. Allison held her hands and looked up at me with a single question, “Is everything okay?”

With that same smile on my face, I lied, “Everything is great.”