Part 16 (cont.)

There was little else to say than that. We walked together for a bit, getting a few raised eyes from the medical staff but nothing more. It would be a bit of a walk to Black Willow with the prison in the way but the wind had settled down. We grabbed a few drinks from a vending machine along the way. The walk was good but did nothing to settle what we’d said to dad as the right thing or resolve what we would say to mom.

Soon, we were at the check-in for the mental facility. It was older, like it had been dropped from the east coast to the middle of a desert with no consideration for design. The wire-threaded, barred windows were gray and dust-matted. It looked so out of place and haggard. Rather fitting.

The security guy had Sean in the system as we tried to get around the fact there were two of us. Eventually, he just threw up his hands and signed us in, as it was clear we were related. Since Uncle Nolan was the primary contact, we could deal with the confusion later through him.

This time, mom was brought to us. I went in first. It was a small visitation area with another family meeting with a resident who had her head down. I saw certain people with spastic tremors. There didn’t seem to be any of the movie-celebrated crazy types you often worried about at a place like this (not that I’d seen any of those the previous times I had...Sean had come either). I scratched nervously at a dry patch on my left wrist. I’d need to get some lotion from Allison.

A tall, heavy-set nurse led Theresa in. She was laughing and talking to someone behind her. Her hair was about the same as usual, a little wild. She looked like an older, human version of Tessa but brushed with wrinkles and patches of darkness around her eyes.

She exclaimed, “Sean! Seaaaan! Oh my God! I never thought you would come! Can’t fucking rely on my faggot brother. But somehow you got the information! It’s been too long. Come on, I need a great big hug.”

She held her arms out with her palms spread and a strange, smirking gaze.

I approached her. The nurse gave her a look like she wanted to make sure she patted her down one more time. I carefully put my arms around her. The familiar smells. She still had her smell from all that time ago: a scent that made me small and afraid. I fought against it and gave her an embrace which was calculated to be as long as I could tolerate without acting like I was evading her. It was a skill I’d learned, deceptive hugs, because I knew that even a genuine hug could be turned into a wrath of hatred. I remembered the time she accused me of trying to break her hand because I turned when letting go of a hug and bumped her arm. She made me feel like shit for the rest of that day.

This time, she let me go without incident and settled into the chair closest to her. She set her hands in front of her and asked, wide-eyed, “So, what’s new?”

I settled into the chair opposite.

I told her I was going to college and taking prerequisites. She tossed a hand out and said, “Really? Are you working?”

“Not right now but I hope to be soon.”

She admonished, “You need to be working at your age, no matter the job, or you’re just dead weight. I was working at age eighteen, over my head in responsibilities, going to college, and trying to survive at home. Your gramgram was grandad’s other woman, so he didn’t need to think anything of me. But there were days he’d take me to Woolworths and buy me so many new dresses. He just said, ‘whatever you want, Tessie’. Last time there was a man in my life who just did something like that without expecting anything in return. But by the time I was eighteen he’d been dead for years and it was Grandpa Paul. I know you remember him. I fucking hated him. I hated being alone with him. He would touch me when mom wasn’t there. He wouldn’t stop. He called me his ‘sexy girl’. Mom was furious. She hated me. She was jealous that he paid more attention to me than he did to her. She thought I was trying to steal him away from her for myself. I wanted out of there so much. I had to fight to get out of there. I had to fight for everything. Every scrap of money, every ounce of dignity, every moment I wasn’t afraid…”

Tears dripped down the sides of her cheeks. She paused as I went to get her a bit of tissue from the nurse’s station. Once she’d dried her eyes, she continued, “So, I got the fuck out of there. But working wasn’t any better as a school librarian. The principals liked all the pretty girls. I was young at least, so I got the job, but I didn’t titter and laugh and play around like all the pretty girls. But I worked hard. Always work hard.” She gestured with a narrow finger then flashed another smirk.

“And? Don’t clam up on me like you always do, Sean. I’m sure plenty else has happened to you. Any possibility of grandchildren yet? Any pretty girls in your life? Hopefully, you haven’t listened to any of Uncle Nolan’s crap and gone over to the other side. I dunno if I believe in demons but he gets close to that sometimes…”

This felt strange but still familiar. Conversations with her always started this way, with a layer of normalcy and courtesy with just enough venom to stir things later.

“Yeah. There is someone and I love her.” I hated the feeling of tiptoeing around, like I couldn’t call back my strength of self I had when facing Michael before Linnea.

“Where’d you meet her? Name? And what’s she like? Any plans?”

I took a breath. “Allison. She goes to my college. We’ve spent some time together. I’ve gotten to know her. She’s funny, an amazing cook, a wonderful friend, clever, adventurous, and just wonderful.”

Her eyes narrowed as she asked, “Not shacking up, are you? Girls who want to shack up with a boy are fickle. Sure, they show you a nice face but they can turn on a dime and decide they want something else. Or they’re just out for pleasure…sex….and would sleep around with anything.”

I took my first offensive as I said, “I would appreciate you not making judgments about Allison when she’s not around.”

She dipped back. “I see you know better than me. You don’t need a pitiful, insane mother giving you advice…Because what does she know? I would be careful with her, especially if you ever get upset with her. And you will get upset with her. Your father…right after we were married…fought with me. But he didn’t know what he was getting into. He tried to hit me, real hard. I got out the cleaver and I told him…’if you touch me like that again, then I’ll chop your hands off’. He could tell I meant it. I’d do it. I would’ve. He’d posture and preen but he is forever and always a coward. So, you better be careful with her. Be suspicious all the time. You treat her respectfully, or maybe she’ll chop something of yours off...”

These were things she’d said to me before but with calculated poise. It was an old game but I didn’t feel like playing. I said, “Uncle Nolan suggested there was something, in particular, you wanted to say to me.”

Mother brushed her hair back and said, “A few things. But I expect you to say some things as well.”

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“Such as?”

“You really should apologize for all the times you treated me so poorly. I remember each and every time you cut me with your words and actions. I know you hate me. You want me dead. I’d love for you to kill me. Kill me. Pleaaaase. They don’t want me to say that but we both know we both want it. You want me dead because there’s a sickness inside of you. I’ve seen it since you were a little baby. I tried to get it out. I tried to will it out of you. I was firm but fair with you. I will admit I acted rashly on a few occasions. I thought if I nearly drowned you then it would change you. It would kill the sickness. You would change and everything would be fine. Like when we crashed. A divine hand leading us. We didn’t die either time. Surely, that means something. And with the gun. I could’ve really really hurt someone. So, in retrospect, I should’ve taken a softer hand. But there's nothing more I can do now. You’re free to a path of pure goodness or evil.” She leaned back in the chair expectantly.

She wanted something out of me: anger or fear, apology or acceptance of her. Say something harsh and she's won. Say nothing and she’s clearly won because I had nothing to answer her argument. I never figured out how to answer the no-win conversation, so I didn’t bother fighting it. Instead, I told her, “I survived you. And I will go on to thrive with Allison. I don’t care what you think about it. My life is my own.”

Setting her hands on the table, she stared with quiet intensity. “You’re only alive because of me. You have life because of me. But you’ve never shown any gratitude to a mother who has had to face so much pain and suffering. You’re fine to heap even more on me, like every other man I’ve ever known. I’m a thing that was useful to you once and now you discard it. Goodbye. Nothing to you. That’s all.”

I clenched my lip. Old, familiar words. Her classic snare. I had new thoughts for it. Well, ones I hadn’t said to her before.

“So then, if I were a girl…if you’d had a girl, then things would be different? Is that what you wanted?”

She settled calmly and said, “I wanted my boy. My beautiful little boy. All my own. Always my boy. If I had a girl then so be it, but I didn’t. I had you. I am your mother until death and beyond. Why would you even think of being a girl? You need to be a man. A strong man with righteous principles or that Allison will find someone better. That pervert Nolan hasn’t been filling your head full of weird ideas, has he? About men who think just because they cut off their little birdies that that entitles them to womanhood? Faggots who just want another hole to fill. You’d be cutting me if you associated with them.”

I wasn’t sure whether to consider that an indictment or an invitation. There was so much to say, so many bitter words. But I held them because I didn’t know if I could keep from screaming them. With people like Theresa in this world, I had to wonder if perhaps Naltra’s fear was justified. I told her, “I’m taking a class where I have to use a device to study the Kinrae, the visitors from other worlds. They’re all female.”

She replied, “Never trusted them. No one just shows up and does anything for pure kindness sake. They want something. I can tell. You drop that class. Ridiculous that any real school would have that when everyone is so afraid of them. You could really mess yourself up dealing with them. ‘Each after their own kind’. One thing should never become another….should never become something it was never meant to be.”

I had to say it. It was giving in. But I had to say it. I had no more cheeks to turn against her.

“You are the worst, most terrible person I have ever met in my life. You spread nothing but negativity and pain and I am glad you are out of my life.” My voice trembled.

It was the bait she wanted but I would’ve burst if I hadn’t said anything. She shook her head and said, “And out comes your true face. Insolent and ungrateful. I gave you everything you could ever want. You always had food, clothes, and toys. We had more than so many other people. They’d always tell me at work ‘you spoil little Sean’…but it was for my lovely little boy. I saved up whatever money your father didn’t piss away. And yet here you sit and spit in my face acting like you are alive all on your own…that you slaved away all on your own to get where you are. But you turn away from the most important person of all. It’s all because of me. You want me to die. You don’t care a sliver for all I did for you. You’ll see soon enough how the world works without me. You think you know so well…but you’ll learn the truth.”

I settled in the chair and told her, “I already know. I’ve grown to know the world without you and it is not all the bitterness and suffering you say. I am sorry how your life was but you passed it on. You perpetuated it. I don’t know why and I don’t want to know. And I would’ve traded so much of what you gave me, bribes for my emotions, if you treated me like you actually cared about me as a human being.”

My cheeks felt so hot and muscles all over my body were quivering. I didn’t raise my voice. Theresa repeated, “So insolent and ungrateful. You think you already know? So naïve. You know nothing of the real world outside your little college bubble. You think things are so nice. You’ll wish you had our days back eventually; I can tell. Allison is just a flash of enjoyment for you, like with all men. You think she’s pretty and can cook for you. You’ll find the bitter truth. You’ll see.”

I stood up from my chair. No traction. I told her I needed to use the restroom but really I needed to trade off with other Sean. I was drained. I was exhausted. I wanted to hit something. Theresa looked like she was glowing, refreshed and vibrant. The sense of this place diminishing her was gone. Like a vampire sucking up all the energy I’d brought in. I had to wonder.

She gestured with a hand to the door and said, “By all means. Run away. I’ll be here.”

I walked slowly to the door and I kept walking till I found Sean. We made our way into the bathroom. Fortunately, it was empty and I could lock the door. I passed along all I could about what mom had said without screaming. I couldn’t replicate the feeling but it was enough for him to shudder.

He put a hand on my shoulder and asked if we could trade clothes. I gave him a look but it would be easier than trying to explain why I suddenly decided to put on a change of clothes while in the bathroom. Other Sean’s clothes felt a little fresher than mine, which I apologized for. He didn’t mind. He took a breath before exiting and told me to head down to the cafeteria for something to snack on.

He left. I stared in the mirror. No matter how I looked I could see Theresa at the edges, like a phantom. I pressed my hands into the water and touched the glass. I crunched my teeth together until I felt them rumble. I bashed my fist into a part of the wall which looked softer than other spots. It wasn’t.

I massaged my red knuckles and sobbed as Theresa’s words echoed through my head.