Part 9

I finally managed to email the photos we’d taken yesterday to my uncle. I tried to call him too but he was out. I leaned back with my slight hands enveloped by my long, braided hair and let the phone rest against me.

Allison’s lesson had been useful. I had tons of scribbled notes. I wanted this to happen tomorrow afternoon. I would return Lissa’s device for class. Then Allison could wear mine for the date.

The idea left Allison a little sad that we wouldn’t both be female on the date, if we so wished. But it would work. I got up.

Allison was still in the kitchen. She smiled and posed a bit for me as she asked, “Has my pupil returned for another lesson?”

I smiled back and inquired, “Could you try on my device?” I slipped it off and waited through the lull. It still felt nervously-long before I returned to myself.

Allison picked up quickly on my intent. She turned hers off and set it aside. With his most feminine version of his voice, he said, “You want to know if I’ll get the long delay too. Clever boy.”

He slipped it on and went looking for the pink-haired girl he preferred before I stopped him. I urged him, “Try the saved one with braids.”

It didn’t take long for him to flip over to that saved form and activate it. I found Allison with Corlie’s body disconcerting. I’d prepared myself for similar forms due to the limitation of choices but Allison was a copy of the body I’d seen in the mirror and gotten to know these last few days.

With a devious smirk, she immediately went about doing sexy stuff that I would never do. It was vaguely narcissistic to watch her but captivating. She was going to turn back but I urged her to keep it on for a little bit to better replicate the problem (even though I’d tested it with brief use before). After about ten minutes to go over another lesson of how best to flavor hummus for veggie wraps, she was ready.

She adjusted the controller. And nothing happened. Corlie-Allison stood there for several long moments. Quite long moments. So many that I was worried I may have trapped her with that form. But, same as me, she reverted back to Allison. Mostly.

I eyed Allison and he asked me with the same, girly voice, “What is it?” I peered between the two of us. It was subtle but I was sure he was different. Allison felt around. He lingered on his hips and swiveled. They could be slightly bigger but then Allison always did have odd hips. He touched around his chest. In my fears, I expected there would be something but Allison said he felt the same. His face had always been soft like that but his hair seemed a little glossier and further past his shoulder than usual. With his hands on my shoulders, he tried to reassure me, “I’m just as much of a girly boy as I’ve always been.”

I wasn’t entirely convinced but the delay existing for Allison helped a little. Having him use a form as close as possible to his pink-haired one ruled out the saved form being the problem as that also suffered from a random delay between controller and device. Allison shrugged and said only, “Technology.”

That was a good guess, especially with what Tessa told me. Of course, I had no reason to believe her. Allison passed the device and controller back to me and returned to using her loaner copy. Before I left, she noted, “Oh, Malcolm agreed to try being a girl for a little bit tomorrow morning. So look forward to that.” I wasn’t quite sure what to say but I smiled and headed off to my room.

The fun with Malcolm felt a little easier to enjoy knowing that I could replicate the problem with my device on someone else. That didn’t explain away Allison’s voice and whether anything else had changed about him. But I felt a little better about Malcolm wearing it.

I even relaxed enough to let myself enjoy a bath night as Corlie. While the shower was like a stream down a river, the bath was drifting. It got me to the same place though. I smiled getting out of the bath like a strange, invisible weight had been released from within me. It sunk down and escaped with the water, leave me feeling content and optimistic.

I didn’t even mind that there was no evening call on my phone from Lissa. No recorded message either. She had a lot to deal with. I watched a couple of late-night cartoons and dried my hair. To bed, I would leave it washed and unbraided. I’d restore to the save for class. My first anthropology class as Corlie.

The phone didn’t ring and I flicked off the TV as I drifted off to sleep.

What met me was rich, colorful, and vivid, like how Allison described her dreams. Only I didn’t feel a sense of dreaming. I was standing in a familiar hallway. Home. I’d always lived here with my parents. I was going to classes at the local college. I felt a little lost, as though I’d been thinking something and it slipped away. I shrugged it off and walked down the hallway. The mirror to the right needed to be cleaned so badly. I’d tried some time ago but there was just too much gunk on it to really make it look nice.

I could hear arguing from the kitchen. I clenched up. So many years of this. I didn’t want to step in but the memory of my mother swinging a jagged knife was still fresh. I brushed my fingers through my long, dirty-blond hair and hugged my irritated stomach under my breasts. I just wanted to be far away. I wanted things to be better.

I had no idea what normal families were like. If only it was just the arguing. If only it was just the loud and scary parts then maybe I could cope. But it was the quiet parts. The lonely parts. The feeling of my soul seeping out or being drained by those around me bit by bit. Words, looks, pains. They infected everything. I tried to smile but I was the only one.

I clung onto feelings of the Kinrae. They came four years ago. Beautiful boys and even more gorgeous women. I wish I could be more like them. They always seemed so happy. They always seemed so energetic. They never seemed to hurt like I did. They looked like they lived, joyously, where I just subsisted.

I wanted them to take me away. I wanted to be happier. I loved them. I loved them so much even though I’d only ever met one of them. My mother called me names for having pictures of them on my walls. She tore them all off. I didn’t cry. I didn’t have the feeling for it. For days, I thought I was dead inside. Broken somehow. I couldn’t understand how one person could so deeply hurt another. Even my dad with his blunt, maiming words couldn’t push quite as deep.

I got better. But it’s a cycle. Always a cycle. I just wanted to go to my room and escape for just a little. Just a moment. Just an instant. To another world. One where I was far away. One where I was happier. I wouldn’t even mind being a boy. I wouldn’t even mind being a mass of pond moss.

The day was so desperately, achingly long. I’d just gotten back from classes but the session was ending. No way out for two whole weeks. I could barely bear the thought of another summer like this. I had plans. My friend, Tracy, offered to put me up but I was so afraid to leave. I didn’t know what was out there. My Uncle Nolan would be an option but he’d been so sick that I didn't want to impose.

I have no idea what to do. The tears came as they always do, never loud enough to feel like I could push the sadness out. And they always dry so quickly. I really worry my feelings are withering, if they were ever there.

“JENNA! HERE NOW, YOU STUPID BITCH!”

I could make like I didn’t hear that at least once before I needed to answer. The walls were thick enough but I could hear it so clearly like my mother was screaming down my neck. I wish bad things for her and I hate myself for wishing them but I don’t want to be here. I want to be somewhere else. Please please please….

A whimper jolted me. I was in bed. How did I get here? Blue hair? Kinrae? How was I a…oh wait. It was a dream. I was sweaty in bed, even more than usual. I took a deep breath. I felt details of Jenna’s life slipping away but the core, deep feelings stayed. I should’ve been upset. I should’ve been sad. I’d lived a life like that but not as dragged out. I sniffled and wiped away tears I didn’t even realize were there.

Jenna. A parallel me in a dream. Such suffering. Such absolutely pointless suffering I knew so well. But it didn’t cling to me. It didn’t shake the lingering pleasantness I had from my bath. I did feel pity for Jenna. If only I could reach out and take her away from that. So sad. I settled back against my pillow.

A glance at the clock told me very little time had passed. Sleep didn’t come easy after that, clogged with the passing of old scars, but it did come with quiet and serene emptiness.

Morning led me to stretch and smile at the creeping rays of light. Still no message on my phone but I knew I could see Lissa soon. I would see Allison in just a few minutes. I could finally tell her that I had a dream where I was a girl. But not one easy to explain. I could be vague but the Jenna dream was part of my own experiences. I’d have to tell him/her about my family. As much as I dared. The stuff I could get out.

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Not the sort of thing you wanted to set the mood for a morning. But I’d find a way to express it, for Jenna. In the hopes my feelings might transmit across the Swiss-cheese void to touch her day and maybe plant the seed of better days.

Allison had already finished breakfast, burritos served and steaming on the table. The kind Clayton always liked was gone. The one heavy on the sauce for Malcolm hadn’t been touched. I knocked on Allison’s door. He stood before me, naked except for a small robe which did little to cover up the critical parts. I’d seen it before. Back then, I thought he was just wearing it as a prank to prompt a reaction from me.

I didn’t go in his room, although I liked the chair against the window. He waved and inquired, “Morning. Is this a special wake-up call?” His smile was faint though as he noticed something in my expression that I didn’t even know was there.

Before long, I was telling him about the dream. I chose my words carefully.

“Her name was Jenna. It was like before I had to leave him. Terrible with family. Difficult with how I felt about myself and I really felt for her. I was her. Another me. I really wanted to give her a hug and tell her to be strong.”

Allison’s eyes took on a sudden ease. He stepped forward and wrapped his satin-clad arms around me. I tried not to blush and accepted the hug. He told me, “That’s for the both of you. Here’s hoping it passes along the universes and brightens her day a little bit.”

I nodded to that and switched topics quickly to say, “So, what’s happening with Malcolm?” Folding his arms, Allison smirked and said, “He’s hiding. He’s already transformed. I gave him my device and I could hear a cute voice through the door.”

We made our way over to Malcolm’s door and I knocked. Shuffling, knocking, and a human-like squeak was all we got in response. I glanced at Allison and he smiled. He leaned his head back, tapped on his lips, and then said, “I guess Malcolm wouldn’t mind if we opened his mint-condition copy of…” And that was as far as Allison got before the door flew open and a furious Kinrae stared up at us.

Malcolm was more than a head shorter than me. She had to be less than five feet tall with a stain of bright blush on her cheeks. She looked so young. Hard to tell just how young because Malcolm had picked a girl who was rather flat. Her light-blue dress hung past her thighs with little soft shoes at her feet. While small, her hips were mature, although her chest was modest. Silvery hair streamed past her shoulders and she brushed a bit to keep it out of her face. Her eyes were a matching gray and she put her fists on her hips and replied, “Happy?”

We marveled at her. Considering the kinds of things on Malcolm’s walls, this was not the form we expected him to choose. Her blush deepened as her hands shifted about and she said, “This is not the time I wanted to do this…but I wanted to get it over with. Are you both satisfied? And do you both swear that Jessica never hears a word of this?”

We looked at each other and knew we had to get photos of this before Malcolm reached for the controller. She actually didn’t protest as much to photos, she even made a few good little poses, though not intentionally.

Allison noted, “You need to try pulsate on the shower. At least for your girlfriend’s sake.”

Malcolm was about to shake her head when Allison added, “Imagine all the ways she might thank you if you knew more about what made her feel good.” She grumbled that she already knew that but with a half-hearted effort. I could see that she was considering the possibility. Allison tried to nudge Malcolm into a more womanly form but she wasn’t switching. Jessica was short (although not as much as Malcolm right then) and she did have a figure similar to the one Malcolm now possessed. It made me smile that Jessica wasn’t too far from his ideal, although he denied it and said, when I asked, “I just picked it because it’s not…too much.”

Like a cat before a bath, Malcolm regarded the tub with annoyance. After much pressing, we got her to agree to “explore herself (for the sake of her girlfriend)” in the privacy of the bathroom.

Allison waited by the door and I returned to my breakfast. One way or another, I would see Lissa today. She may not have an explanation for why she missed her call, but I wasn’t about to hold that against her. Malcolm’s food was beginning to cool. And it cooled even further as she remained in the shower longer than expected. Allison said she could pick out squeaks and “intriguing sounds” from the other side of the door.

I was getting ready for class by the time Malcolm staggered out of the bathroom, murmuring, “Pulsate settings…holy fucking shit…”

Allison lingered and asked her, “Have fun?”

Malcolm clung onto his pride despite a terrible poker face. He staggered through excuses and hasty sentiments before blurting out, “I know you need this back. But…for Jessica…it would not be terrible if I tried a few things…briefly. So…uh…I would. If you have these devices around when you’re not using them. I mean not everything is learned from a first try. Not a memorized button combo. Not…not…I’m not saying anything else!” She stormed off and Malcolm emerged from his room with the device and controller in hand as he reiterated, “Not a word about this.”

We both motioned to seal our lips but we exchanged a look. If only I had about two more devices, one for Allison to keep and one for Malcolm to “learn lessons from”. Allison’s expressed even greater ambition before he went into his room to get dressed for class, “If we could get Clayton in on this too…well he’d probably weaponize these things in a few days….but imagine Clayton and Malcolm both as Kinrae. I wonder who Clayton would pick?…Hmm.”

I left him to his playful imagination and took the loaner device with me to return to Lissa. As one final test of the battery theory. I tried on Lissa’s device and then, after a little effort, was able to replicate Corlie (without her braids). I waited that way for a bit as I packed up and made sure everything was ready and then deactivated the device. Instant switch back to myself. No delay. And there it was.

I felt vaguely-disappointed. Like I thought I’d stumbled onto something which was more than just random chance, something which meant something. Some weird sign. It had been interesting to speculate on. A little scary and bewildering, followed by mysterious and exciting. But it came to nothing. I debated consulting this Naltra that Tessa gave me information about. I could just pass along the problem to the professor. That’s the way I should’ve done it but I didn’t mind the error. And it would just time out as a fail-safe when the battery died.

Still, there were enough unknowns and confusing elements. Such as why activation didn’t have a delay and Allison’s voice changes. I tested my voice. No changes for me. I could only shrug and continue about my day with my own device back in place and my braids as neat as when they were first done.

This time to class was getting normal. Not as many looks or I wasn’t paying attention to them anymore. I caught the bright colors of a classmate on the way there, who turned out to be Elizabeth Mendoza. She was tall next to me with a lean figure and a very nice jogging outfit. Her hair was a much darker green than Lissa’s form choice and not nearly so long. She spun around and then tried to guess who I was without me telling her. She actually guessed after two tries but then I was one of only a half-dozen people on campus she knew by name.

I went along with her to the student lounge for some free water bottles. They weren’t the best. The plastic top looked like it wouldn’t survive the long quarter in my bag. Allison might be able to make use of it though.

We passed by a few others from class. An assortment of colors. No Lissa yet. The one with the stark-orange hair nearly blinded me. Our group certainly caused some excitement when we gathered together for class. There were a few people with their devices currently off. Still no Lissa.

I waited through the opening of class and found my usual seat. I waited as the rest of the seats filled up, although her usual spot in the back remained empty. Right as Professor Brandt was sitting down and turning on the microphone on the other side, a blur of auburn hair slipped in through the door and settled into the seat in the back. It was her.

She had her head down and didn’t acknowledge any of my waves. I sighed and let her be. One of the first comments from Brandt was actually about technical troubles. “If there’s anything really weird going on then you’re gonna probably get your best answer via email to me or to our advisor intermediary Kinrae, Tessa Shortridge. You may have already seen her around.”

I leaned forward. Reaching back into the depths of my mind, with moments where it would catch everything a professor said and when it would let the mass of words wash over like a sudden but steady rainstorm, I couldn’t pull out where the professor may have mentioned we had an advisor intermediary.

I raised my hand to put forth this issue before my nerve dwindled.