Part 15 (cont.)

She trembled with her eyes shut then slowly opened them, saying, “I’m still afraid and I know the vast majority of my kind will evacuate out of precaution, if you go ahead with this. But, at the same time, there is this crazy notion inside my head which wants you to do it. Maybe that’s what that Aeternal spirit saw in you at that dark moment. Maybe this is your fate…to change us. But I’m not one to say….Do your best.”

Lissa gave a smirk and said, “Plans for the total transformation of the world as we knew it and it’s not even suppertime yet on a weekend.” But it would be soon. Allison had her packed meal at the ready but Naltra recommended an Asian fusion restaurant run by a friend of hers down the block. For me or for other Sean, she offered a wig to prevent strange looks and questions we might not be ready to answer. We accepted the wig, but Allison mostly wore it. The dirty-blond look suited her.

I offered to return the device to Naltra but she told me to hang onto it, noting, “It's checked out through your college. I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble.” On the way out through the florist, Lissa picked out a pair of yellow roses for me and other Sean. I cradled mine and thanked her. Allison got us a pair of bright-red roses and held them in her teeth with an eyebrow wiggle. The message was clear.

I found with annoyance that my expected wallet didn’t exist, so other Sean had to cover buying Lissa’s favorite flower and Allison’s lovely little tulip. I made sure Sean got a pair of daffodils I noticed to one side and we shared them together with the other flowers we’d gotten. Seeing them gleaming brightly, one could almost toss off the cold stillness of the winter past and see the shape of fledgling spring before us. I kinda wanted to jot that thought down for Allison, sounding all poetic, but I didn’t have a paper or pen to save it.

Lissa became the designated flower savior since her bag had a nice, cushion-y place where they could be kept all together. The rest of us offered to haul any toys she decided to buy later for Quilla. But the big worry was the front door of the florist. Well, the door wasn’t any big deal. It was what lay outside, cloaked in the waning light of day. The world. Kinrae and Daemonrae walking unaware, not looking for us yet.

It was then that I started to be annoyed about my clothes. Sure, they may have been good for spending untold weeks or months inside a giant egg but they made me feel like a reject from a silly, old sci-fi flick. At least, it wasn’t polyester.

Sean put his hand on my back and smiled as he asked, “Ready?”

I sighed and told him, “Sure…why not….”

Stepping out was as much of an anti-climax as stepping out as a full anime girl, which I still could do with the device. But, nah, I needed to get used to this. Which turned out to be easier than I thought. Random eyes lingered but Allison attracted more attention as she clung to the both of us. I’m sure whatever they were thinking about her, she was thinking as well.

The modest crowd had gotten a little denser with people stopping by after work and spreading onto the roads, which meant longer lines at certain restaurants. We were on a schedule too because the last train home would be leaving promptly in less than two hours.

When we got to the place Naltra recommended, it was quite busy. However, dropping Naltra’s name helped. We were given a private booth off to the side. It was spacious. Lissa went immediately for the wine list. Allison made herself “the inner stuffing” of a “Seanwich” by sitting between me and other Sean. We groaned at the pun but smiled for Allison.

She didn’t favor one side or the other, reaching for each of us like we were the same side of a mirror. The owner of the restaurant, an anime woman with black hair like a spilled, glossy inkwell dressed in formal clothes with a distressed apron over her front, welcomed us graciously and locked eyes with me. She gave me a knowing nod after looking at my clothes and offered a free appetizer for each person along with the first round of drinks on the house. Lissa wound up getting a green tea cocktail with soju. Allison got something non-alcoholic with peaches blended in and I and other Sean went for a foreign soda (almost sickly-sweet).

Wasabi fries, wraps, and a bit of sushi filled out the appetizers. I found myself mimicking other Sean at first as we both picked the same seafood pasta and then switched our dishes to the same thing again. So I instead picked the habanero kimchi beef entree, as he raised an eyebrow. Yeah, I’d probably regret it on the train later if my body was anything like his but at least I knew he wouldn’t pick it. I did ask for the sauce to be light.

Our little alcove was quiet compared to the rest of the dining area, so we had a chance to talk. But the situation left us all at a loss for regular chat. I sat furthest from Lissa. I smiled at her and asked her how she was doing. She gave a pleasant smile and reacted, “Reeling but okay? Yourself?”

I leaned forward and pondered. Other Sean glanced over at me and Allison blew peach bubbles as she now leaned against him.

I nibbled the end of a nice crab wrap and told her, “I was this close to just bolting out of there, him and me, just grab the two of you and run like mad.”

Lissa smirked and Sean chuckled with me as Allison joined in. I set my hands on the table and continued, “I know so much inside my head and yet I feel like I’m so lost. And I kinda feel like a….actually, a fourth wheel wouldn’t work. Maybe a fourth wheel on a tricycle? But I dunno if I fit in.”

Allison seized me. “You fit! Please don’t feel like an outsider! You’ve lived Sean’s life….as far as this whole thingie makes sense. You are Sean. You’re both Sean! And you’re both sexy. Besides, the endless possibilities! Never forget the endless possibilities!” Her eyes nearly sparkled.

Other Sean (I really needed a better name for him but I wasn’t ready to give mine up yet) leaned forward and told me, “I know this is kinda repeating myself but I feel the same way. You know that. We’ve apparently been through the same experiences. But that’s going to change now. Our lives diverge from the moment you woke up and you need to decide who you are and you don’t have to let who I am or what you remember dictate that. And…brother, sister, twin, clone, whatever…I’m with you.”

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I returned the same to him and said, “It’s a terrifying world of unknowns and it begins with mom.” I clenched up and so did Sean.

He nodded. “We’ll deal with that and we’ll make sure the right thing is done. I have no clue how but we’ll do our best.” We touched hands and shared a smile. Allison squee-ed softly. Lissa nursed her drink and said, “To the terrifying unknown…or as I affectionately call it, waking up.”

The rest of the dinner chat left the questions of self, identity, and the history of demons for another time. It was all about movies and bringing out those trivia books again. I turned out a little faster than Sean on some answers, to my delight and his frowns. Truly, I felt accepted. I felt loved. Allison more than made sure of that. Lissa was wary but she seemed to sense my same feeling of confusion and sympathized.

What informational memories I’d recited at least once were faintly-preserved in the recesses of my mind, like telling yourself the details of a wild dream. The other fragments were things I’d save for later, about how Japanese Kinrae took to historical Daemonrae in the best fashion. And how some of the principle figures who influenced Japanese anime into the form which prefigured the Daemonrae were actually hidden anime girls.

I told this to Sean at a quiet moment when it was just us and the girls had slipped off to the ladies' room. He snickered and didn’t seem terribly surprised to learn that anime was fashioned by those paving the way for nine years ago. I didn’t know the full extent of their fingerprints on human history but offered Sean this sliver of what I knew.

He passed it on to the girls when they returned. They were similarly unsurprised. Sean took to pondering which artists, past or present, he knew which might be secret Daemonrae. Allison wondered about old playwrights. Lissa drained her drink and called to check on Linnea and Quilla.

Dinner was excellent and not as spicy as I feared. Allison made dessert of a little confection she had sealed deep in her bags which would definitely not survive the return trip. It was lovely despite being soft and warm. And it made room which Allison could use to haul other things.

By the time we left the restaurant with a surprising, emphatic hug for me and Sean by the owner (I wondered if she would be so happy if she knew what the two of us intended?), our time to browse had dwindled alarmingly. We decided to split up. Allison dove for the books and made plans about a stuffed animal store while Lissa focused on the toy store and a trinket shop. For me and Sean, we roamed the area, drifting between the stores.

We stood back as Allison snuffle-bolted between narrow towers of books in languages she didn’t know, digging for gems. We stood alongside Lissa as she weighed the potential time Quilla might play with something verses its educational value and what the tag on the side said.

Eventually, we found a city bench where we all agreed to meet up. We sat together as the remaining lamps above the shopping area lit up with the passage of evening. The spectacle of the two of us clearly went unnoticed against the backdrop of strolling ‘Kinrae’ waving as tourists tried to catch the remarkable ones in photos. I…we would’ve been just like that before.

Without warning, I rested my head on his shoulder. He glanced over and asked, “Tired?”

I shook my head and sighed. “Not really. I mean I have been sleeping for the longest time but it’s like when you get too much sleep and you just feel drained. I don’t know what normal sleep will be like now. I’ll probably stay up most of the night.”

He noted that I could if I wanted to. After all, I didn’t have to go to classes. That was both a nice but an alarming notion. I had no responsibilities in the world. The only connection I had was loaned. That wasn’t mine. I didn’t have to worry about the mid-term for the math class or anything or any of the other classes. It wasn’t my responsibility. But it didn’t make me feel any better.

Tears welled up in my eyes. Sean noticed almost as quickly as I did and put a hand on my shoulder. I sobbed as I told him my fears of being a non-person, my doubts, and my exhaustion with the weight of all this. Of feeling, that at the end of it all and despite what everyone else said, I was alone.

He looked me in the eye and said, “You are never alone. Those aren’t simply words. That’s not just a kind sentiment. It’s the truth. Uncle Nolan would gladly love to see me back and go to college at the same time. Allison would adopt you in a hot minute. We all care for you. As they care for me. As they love me, so you are loved too. You don’t need to leave or to be my replacement to have a place. There’s always enough love to go around.”

To hear me say that even a few years ago would’ve been impossible with my fresh family scars. We reflected on that together. We were stronger than our past, no matter how we experienced it.

So after I’d dried my eyes as best I could, Allison and Lissa came scampering and strolling back respectively. Despite that, Allison still noticed I’d been crying and laid on the love and the questions. I told her what I’d told Sean and she, with brutal hug-fu, reaffirmed her love.

We made it back just in time for the second-to-last train and picked a quiet section near the rear. The station receded as did the clusters of lights and smog bound together in a mass of Kinrae. Allison showed off her book choices, plays that were often out of print, and smiled about how she’d get shocked looks from her drama classmates. Her new little fluffy tiger held a book and perused it with Allison’s help. Lissa held a doll-thing which looked, in all honestly, like an angry salt-shaker. She also had a small trebuchet launcher which I’d helped her carry to the train.

Together with Sean, I watched as night slipped slowly in through the edges of the suburbs and spread through stark peaks dotted by far-off mansions. We watched the shadows of the desert spread and the stars twinkle back into the sky, seeing where we’d been and heedfully hopeful about where we were headed.