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I've let the others know that I want to be alone, as there have just been too much people in the last week, and I need to have that conversation with Jane too, but I really don't want to. It's at least going to be awkward and maybe tears and more than that, so I just need to be alone for awhile and do something distracting in the workshop. But it's hard to work, because the mind wanders. And I can't prevent where my mind goes, and those thoughts about Jane. Work is just not enough of a distraction. I might as well just deal with the Jane situation instead of trying to ignore the issue, but I really don't want to. So it's late afternoon when I knock on Jane's door and say we need to talk, asking her to meet me on the sofas in my bedroom when she's done painting and have cleaned her fingers etc. Don't hurry, I have things to read. On the way, I tell my sambos, Caecilia and Alith, that we are going to talk about serious things and need to be alone, even though I don't tell them what. Considering their faces and answers, most seem to have noticed that something serious has happened, and it's not good. Alith and Iselin know it's connected to my talk with Jane during the wedding feast, but I think several people are guessing. There are plenty of secrets here, but some seem to be open secrets. Then again, they're almost all women, and I suspect they're significantly more attentive about interpersonal issues than me and Hrappr.

I've checked with the maids, Ciara and Alith, and Jane's story seems true. She sat there in the dark, though even Alith didn't think of it until I asked, and I've sworn Alith to silence about it. Alith doesn't know the whole truth or why, and probably never will. I just said that Jane regrets saying anything about Midgård traditions, because she wanted to have me for herself, but instead saw so many other women having sex with me and she wanted to punish herself for her stupidity, and there were far more women than she thought there would be. Pathetic excuse, but it was the best I could come up with on short notice. I should have thought of a good excuse. It doesn't take long before Jane arrives, serious and silent. She closes the door without me asking her to, and sits down next to me when I point to the sofa. With some distance between us. We're both silent, and I don't want to start, but I have to, so I just take a sigh to collect myself and start talking:

"Jane, first, I have to say I'm not really mad or angry at you, just somewhat annoyed and disappointed. You already know I think that actions should have consequences, good and bad, as it is part of learning. Without consequences few would be following the rules in society, and then we wouldn't have a civilized society. So now you need to answer a few questions truthfully, okay?" I look to the side and Jane just nods while looking down. "Then, I would like to thank you for actually guarding me to prevent me from having to say 'no', or have sex with someone that would be hard to later accept. It doesn't matter if you stopped anyone or not, you thought about it and did something." Jane looks up at me in surprise. She hadn't expected that. But then she looks down at the table in front of her again. "That aside, did you stop anyone?"

Jane faintly nods and then answers: "Yes. Jolfr's concubine and Danr's slave woman. Both were disappointed, but I told them that it didn't matter if they wanted it, been ordered or push to it by her master or man. I didn't ask. It wouldn't happen because it is against your principles. I told them that they could verify with the framed copy in the library of King Asbjörn's proclamation a few months back, and that killed any protest. Well; they would have to find someone to read it for them."

"Thank you. I also remember you said 17, and I hope my memory isn't that foggy. So I guess you know? Please tell me."

"Bugger!! Fuck!! Yes, I know. About the bloody Queen. I followed when you walked to the shower with her lady-in-waiting Skirlaug, and heard Skirlaug told you to let her shower and clean you and to enjoy each other in silence to not disturb other guests, and she took you to the master bathroom. I had used taking a bite in the kitchen as an excuse, but I couldn't really stay there, so I decided to return up to your dark office to avoid drawing attention to myself. I met the Queen with her guard coming out of their guestroom and said 'Hello'. Something about her way and dress made me react, and I realised that I didn't hear the doors out to the feast hall open or close, so I walked back and saw her guard in the hallway outside the master bathroom. I didn't know what to do, so I waited in my room with the door ajar. Another maid walked by and people pasted to the feasthall once, but it was quite late. I heard noises from the big guestroom and figured the King was in there enjoying his maid Sylvi. I heard when you came out. Heard you saying you enjoyed Skirlaug's idea with the blindfold and would try it later in the bedroom. I realised that they fooled you, and you didn't know about the Queen. I returned my plate to the kitchen before checking the manometer and battery gauge, and I saw the Queen and her guard coming out of the toilets, so I guessed she sneaked in there. I returned up and made a quick peek inside your room so there wasn't anyone you would object to being there, and saw you in the bed with Skirlaug. I just returned to your office and continued watching and thinking."

"I didn't know I had sex with someone other than Skirlaug until the next morning when I was in the bathroom again. That's when I realised it wasn't Skirlaug, since she is shorter than the woman in there, and there were two interruptions, so I guess those were the Queen sneaking in and out. But that is a secret that can never be known or talked about, and this should be the last time any of us will. She is married to the King and it might be really bad if it became official and known. You remember Hildifjoer and Lawman Filison's wife and Tom."

"I know!! I know!! My mind went wild with bad thoughts about what might happen if anyone found out!! I was slightly frantic because I didn't know if I should tell you! In the end I just kept quiet about it. I took the easy way." Jane sighs, and with a resigned tone, "Again." Another sigh. "I'll never talk about it to anyone. I have learned that. Does she know, that you know?"

"Yeah. When I gave Haera the dragon ring? I gave it to her wrapped in the blindfold with a phrase that she would likely interpret as I knew if it actually was her, and that it would never happen again. Beside her reaction when she recognised 'the blindfold' and understood that I knew, she subtly confirmed it was her."

"Oh, that is devious! Why am I even surprised?! I've fallen for your deviousness myself. Oh bloody hell, I just did it again! You just asked me if I 'knew'."

"I had to be sure. To be honest, when I understood that it probably wasn't Skirlaug I fucked in the bathroom, I dreaded it was a trap by Princess Sefa to become pregnant so I would have to marry her as my second wife."

"Oh God!!" Jane looks horrified as she burries her face in her hands. "I should have told you! Stupid!!"

I know what I must say and admit, but I make a few deep sighs before I do.

"Jane... This is actually quite hard to say, both to admit it to myself and to inform you about it, but I won't sugarcoat the truth here just to protect your feelings, and you're the only one I can tell. I really am a changed man after the stag night, and I realised it two days later. In hindsight I should have stopped it and you where right; I could have stopped it. But you where also right in that I didn't know. I thought there might be about five or six women that night, most of whom I already have had sex with. Like Myrun, Liv, Alith and a few with big hints like you or Unn. I really didn't think that the maids, Gunhild or others would jump at going to bed with me like that with others in company. Or Ima, Asta and Lifa. I still hadn't really understood how open sex can be had here, and my old life sure didn't prepare me for that. It's one of those 'I know it happens, but in others lives' thinking. When Jalida was the first unexpected one to showed up and weirdly excited, it was just her. Then Elvira just after. Then Gunhild. Ima. Then just one more. But they kept on coming - no pun intended. It's really messed up, but I felt bad about telling them 'no'. That they where not worth my attention, and that I was being unfair or something. And when it continued to snowball I just stopped counting or give a damn; what's one more woman, maid or friend? It wouldn't matter to stop it then, and 'not being worthy' still applied. I just kept trying to give them all my best, but I became emotionally numb.

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Had I predicted what would happen, I would have stopped it. That was a 'no good outcome' situation, and preventing it would have been the best. But it really doesn't matter to speculate. 'What if' might be helpful to learn, but it's usually just a waste of time. Accept reality, learn and move on. Plan ahead and make backup plans. It has already been awkward and I know that at least Jalida and Elvira want to occasionally have more sex with me. Jalida had such a contented happy smile, asking me to take her whenever I wanted. Like I was rewarding her or something. Or maybe she just wants to gain favour so she isn't banished from the main building again. Elvira is more subtle, but have given me several hints after. Like when I offered her to move to Caecilia's old bedroom with Shakini, and she asked if it would include Caecilia's kind of services to me. I instantly said 'no', and she gladly accepted the room anyway. I guess for several of the women it was the first time someone though of their pleasure instead of just being used for sex. It was more that I was the thing being used by them. I know Hillevi regret not joining that night so that will probably happen, and now I just logically accept it because I don't want to hurt her feelings.

This is what I mean with me being a changed man after that night. Some kind of mental or social block about sex just shattered in me, and I might be in some kind of shock. I no longer really seem to have any 'wrong to have sex with someone' feeling, and a lot of women now have 'we've already had sex once, why not again?'. I don't really see the point in it, but if Elvira came to me and said she was horny, so long as I don't have anything else to do, it's likely I would have at least a quickie with her, since Iselin have given me a carte blanche and seem to truly mean it. Just bend Elvira over the sofa or something and screw her. Like; eh, yeah, okay. Whatever. Which is pretty much the situation with Hillevi. The sex probably wouldn't mean anything to me. I wouldn't get a kick out of it. No feeling of lust, need, proudness or power. Just... The sky is blue, water is wet, screwed the maid because she is horny, then organising my workbench or continue reading. I have started to fear that I have lost the idea that sex mean something. That I will start taking willing sex partners for granted, and maybe stop caring about taking care of their needs and feelings after. I really don't like that emotionally and morally, I probably would have sex with a willing slave woman now - it's just logic and principles that stop me. But when you start hacking away at moral codes and push limits, they get moved. Most likely forever.

Of course beauty and sexiness matters, but just look at a normal female elf - that's a low barrier. Which hardly makes it easier saying no. But no matter what, I wouldn't have sex with Iselin's mom or something. And men can just forget it. But beside that, I only really care about what my girlfriends think. What Iselin thinks. I don't want them to feel pushed away or marginalized and I fear they might be. That my sex with them might mean less too. I want them to feel special, and they so deserve to feel special. It's been hard enough trying to balance my attention to them and be fair. But a lot of things are getting difficult and I don't like that change in me. I've already found myself starting to use logic and trying to plan schedules and balance how often I might have sex with my maids or guards, just to make sure my wife and girlfriends feel special and wanted. I have no real feelings saying all of this. It's just calm logical reasoning to me. So, yeah: I am a changed man and your actions did have consequences."

I have long noticed Jane crying and despairing, but it's all true. I'm not crying, angry, irritated or even annoyed. There are no emotions in what I just said; just calmly logically stated. I wish there were psychologists to talk to here. I reach over and take one of the hankerchiefs I prepared beside the sofa. I guess I'll need one myself sooner or later. It makes Jane cry more as I hand it to her, and she protests and try to push me away as I sit beside her, pull her to me and hug her, but I don't care.

"Stop fighting! Give me a hug and cry! You're still my friend Jane, and I still care about you. You're in pain, and that I was the one you hurt doesn't really matter for me right now. What's done is done, and we both have to accept reality, learn and move on. I might be too good in separating between what is important and what is personal. We don't have a professional psychiatrist to help us so this is probably a terrible idea, but it is what it is. You don't have to worry about me hitting you or something."

"Please ... do." Jane sobs out the words. "This ... hurts more and deeper." Jane cries but hugs me. I understand what she means.

"Now I have to talk about consequences, and what we both have to accept for the time being. You have to promise me that you will never talk to anyone about this except me, even if you need too - and only in English. No one can ever know, and you can't even say something by mistake, in anger or if you're drunk. Iselin, Kari, Ciara, Caecilia and Alith can never know how this changed me. That they where tricked, that you tricked them and it should have been stopped. It will hurt them more than anything and they are more important than you, or me. Imagine Ciara finding out she participated in hurting and changing me and didn't stop it but helped. She might go completely catatonic, be a zombie for the rest of her life, or just snap." Jane freeze and goes quiet, before she continue to hug me and cry, while nodding. She didn't consider that either. "We both have to pretend like there hasn't been any big change for the sake of them. I won't forcefully push you away or throw you out of the house, since that would be a clue something is wrong, so it will have be slow and gradual. One thing I am sorry about is that it also changes a lot between us."

Jane sighs, and separates us with a serious and joyless face, red and wet from tears. It's tragic that I feel no longing or really anything for her, other than as a friend and someone who has been through something the others can't understand. We are isolated from the world by this, a common scar in our souls, even though our scars are different. A psychologist would be damn useful right now. This is actually hard because I intend to gradually separate from her - slowly so the others can't connect it to anything specific and maybe over 3 months or more - and Jane needs help. It's probably best if she moves out after my marriage to Kari, because that also gives time to build a house or maybe move into the Academy when it's finished with the excuse of being an art teacher. But first I want to know.

"Jane, please correct me if I'm wrong about this. I was kind of expecting us to be friends with some kind of benefits at least a couple of times in the close future, and I don't know what in the far future. I feel that something have been building up these last 4 months we've known each other. The talking, the songs, the hints, the others declaration that we could have sex as long as it wasn't anything else, your bet. The kisses, which was ... nice. I just figured that you didn't want to be the one taking the first step, and I was a bit of an asshole and sort of forcing you too, but it was real close a few times. It might be my ego talking, but I thought you wanted me to come after you, to prove that even with all my girlfriends and partners you where special enough that I still wanted you as mine. Close?"

Jane looks suffering as she closes her eyes, looks away, sighs, nods and respond:

"All true. I never really thought about it that clearly, but of course you have." Jane makes another deep sigh. "Yes. I wanted you to ask me." Jane lets out a resigned sigh, and hugs her knees. "This is more easy saying now when everything is a bloody mess. Yes. I wanted to know that even with all your girlfriends and crazy amount of sexy willing partners, I was special enough and could seduce you and make you crave after me. Want me. Dream of me. Lust after me. Need me. Really care about me. Convince the others to accept me as something more, even though I don't think I really wanted it to be anything more than just sex and an ego boost. At least not until recently when it was too late. Way too late. I wanted the satisfaction of you really going after me. I have been thinking about my relationship with Tom over the past months, but especially the last week. I knew it wasn't really healthy, but I ignored the bad parts and sugarcoated the rest. I spent so long trying to make our relationship live up to my illusion of it. The illusion I gave others became my false reality. The way he just threw me away, within days of us getting here, shattered that illusion beyond hope. I had suspected he wasn't faithful. Didn't really love me any more - maybe never did - but I didn't want to think about it, so I didn't. But the way he threw our relationship away, threw me away, just to have sex with a medieval farm maid. I felt so worthless, such a looser and sucker. Just someone pretty to use for sex and money. A trophy who didn't know better, and here I was useless to him - a burden to be discarded.

And then I tried to force you to accept me as your kept woman. Nothing more than a whore and baby factory. My head was so messed up, and you where right; you should have tried to make me pregnant as soon as possible, especially if that was all I was. Most men would have said yes, and I would probably become dependant even though I would have felt repulsed by you. I know what I was thinking back then. If you had been a manipulating arsehole, instead of a somewhat manipulating good guy, I can sadly see myself ending up doing whatever depraved thing you asked, especially if they became pregnant or I didn't become pregnant. Being lead around in a leash and lent out to guests to be used as an exotic sex toy, just so that I wouldn't be thrown away. Like sex was the only thing I would be good for, and then it would become the only thing I was good for. I was desperate and so stupid, and I didn't realise it. So very stupid."

I ... I don't really know how to respond to that. But before I do, Jane continues: