Borgarsandr, day 15
Complications
Muted bird song from the outside wakes me up and I almost want to join them in singing as everything is wonderful. There is sound and movement outside the room, but for me, right there and now, it's just peaceful and I am deeply happy. I am now a woman, and lying next to me is my wonderful husband Robert.
Robert tried to be so careful and tender, really assured himself that I truly wanted us to have sex and that I didn't feel forced, and then he focused on making my first time really special. My husband is a tender and skilled lover who really cares about me, instead of a conqueror who takes what he wants, and then throws me aside. Freya will have a great sacrifice.
Robert really appreciated my underwear and they felt so luxurious, and it was so satisfying when he helped me take off the dress and saw the underwear. His eyes and face told me everything and they have been worth every ounce of silver, and I was right that Robert would like the black color, but it was expected considering his shorts and t-shirts.
Robert took his time to kiss me and caress my body, cover me with small kisses and gently touch me as he methodically explored me with his hand and fingers, mouth and tongue. Enjoyed every inch of my body and made sure I enjoyed the sensations. It is interesting that adult human women in Midgård might still have what they call hymen, but it's unusual among Elven women except when they're very young. I loved that he asked, and that he was afraid that my first time might hurt or there might be a little blood, and he used his fingers to make sure that I was ready, and didn't take me with force.
My mind is flooded with the horrible memory of all the terrible panic and dreadful shame when I reached climax, and to my horror realised that I peed on his hand. I had made sure to go to the toilet and washed thoroughly before, so nothing would disturb our night! I will never forget Roberts eyes. His surprise and how his whole face changed when he understood my panic and dread, and instantly hugged me and tried to calmed me down. He wouldn't let me go, and prevented me from fleeing the room while he said that it was normal. Human women sometimes do the same, more or less vigorously, and he explained about squirting. With a calm voice he repeated over and over that it was normal, and just a sign that I was enjoying sex, and that it isn't something that I could control. That I shouldn't feel ashamed of it, or afraid to have sex. The reason I've never heard of it before is probably because no-one ever mention if it happens - since they're ashamed of something completely natural that they don't understand.
Eventually I stopped trying to escape, and he made me promise to stay in bed as he left to take out his thin gray towel, wiped us off, and put it underneath us. Then he continued to make love to me. Hold me. Kiss me. Continue to touch me body everywhere and satisfy me as if nothing happened, and without caring that it might happen again. It did happened again as he lay on top and from the wonderful feeling of him inside me, and stronger than the first time, but I just had to accept that my body will do that, and Robert barely reacted, focused on making sure I knew that it wasn't something that would prevent us from enjoying each other. Enjoying sex. Robert accepted me for who I truly am, and what I can't do anything about. In that moment I knew I truly loved Robert, and much deeper than I had expected to do in a long time.
My wonderful husband is lying there on his stomach next to me, with his arm outside the bed and his head in the pillow. I gently press my body against his, to feel his warmth and skin against mine. Just enjoy lying in bed with my husband. Gently I feel the hairs on his body, while I think about how it has been a much more wonderful night than I ever imagined. What I've feared for many, many years would be my first experience, and it could have been so much more horrible than I ever imagined.
I can't imagine that many men would truly accept and be happy for a woman like me, and I will forever cherish the memory of how Robert held and comforted me when my mind filled with horrific thoughts of what a gross insult I am: A Concubine given by The King, who pees on her husband when they have sex.
Robert might be the only man who would truly accept me, and he wasn't content with hugging, kissing and taking her - he skillfully used his mouth, tongue and fingers between my legs, aware of what might happen, and saying that I was worth the risk. My enjoyment was worth the risk. I will never forget those eyes. Such a wonderful evening and night, because my wonderful caring husband is who he is, and I love him so much.
I just wish I was more than a friend and concubine in Robert's heart - just like Iselin. Iselin who let the man she rightly loves above all else, spend a night alone with me, so my first night made me feel special. Truly a glorious gift, and I do feel special and blessed lying beside my husband's warm body and hearing his calm, almost silent, breathing.
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I will do my utmost to prevent Iselin from ever feeling pushed aside, and I will try my best to avoid feeling jealous of Iselin - or Ciara - but they are no real threat to my future with Robert. Ciara is likely to always have a special connection to Robert - anyone can see that - and I completely understand why Ciara wanted that agreement, and did everything to make herself more desirable in his eyes. I will try to avoid what Ciara feel is her niches.
I will also slowly try to get Robert to marry both Iselin and me at the proper intervals, and I will pray to Freya so that it can somehow be more socially acceptable, even though none of us are desirable wives, and absolutely without Robert feeling forced to marry us. Becoming Robert's wife is a wonderful dream, but above all, my soul and body are the only things I truly value. Truly mine. My soul and body are the most precious gifts that I can give to Robert, as a thank you for my future life with him.
But, on the other hand, if any other woman tries to have something more than just a night of carnal pleasures with Robert, or threatens our little group or push herself in between us and Robert... then she will have to pray to the Gods for mercy, for I won't have any, and Robert's status and knowledge will keep my quiver full of arrows.
Robert is OURS.
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Time goes by like in a trance; there are adjustments both for me and the others, and after requests I am more than receptive to, I will order a new larger bed, with the best possible mattress, pillows, duvet and bed sheets. Three sets. Every time Kari accompanies me, a set will need to be washed.
I hadn't anticipated that disadvantage, and it came as a horrible surprise for Kari, but it's so important that I down play it for her and our sake. There is nothing she can do, and she looked so horrified and tried to escape from the bed, and probably the room. My thoughts went wild while I held her and tried to calmed her down, for my empathy, compassion and protective instinct had immediately struck, and struck hard. The only thing that mattered was to comfort, make her feel safe, and ensure that it doesn't become a huge issue in our relationship and future together. So I did my absolute best, and I will continue to do so, and I realised that I had immediately accepted that it will sometimes be unpleasant. But that matters far less than Kari's happiness and that she feels safe. Everything else is just problems to be solved, or minimising the impact of. Maybe we should try to have sex in the morning instead, so that we don't sleep in a wet bed, or try to have sex in places other than the bed, like on the floor, against the walls or on furnitures.
It's quite ironic that my empathy, compassion and protective instinct have led to me having more feelings for Kari, and that I'm motivated to continue having sex with her, so she know that her squirting it's not a problem, than if we just had sex and enjoyed each other - like with Alith. Alith is still just a friend, and time will tell if that include occasional 'benefits', while Kari immediately became something more due to an unexpected complication that makes me try to 'fix' the problem, wanting to help, comfort and make everything well - no matter how it affects myself.
I'm slight annoyed with myself, since I no longer see Kari as just a friend, even though I don't love her. Feels like what happened with Ciara when I understood how she was treated, after she became mine. I know this is a personality problem, but I can't really stop it. Thankfully, rational logical thinking helps in most cases, and I don't need to save others like some kind of addict needing a 'high', but I do avoid putting myself in situations where empathy might strike. But if it has struck? It has. And the greatest risk is when it happens abruptly and unexpectedly, like with Kari.
Accept reality, learn and move on.
I actually avoid watch nature documentaries where animals suffer, fully aware of the laws of nature and the harsh reality. Very manly of me.
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It is an ineffective morning, as nothing really is done, and I just accept that this will be a lazy day. So I try to relax, enjoy life and go for a walk with the wonderful woman who shares my bed. But with three women sharing my bed, and in the company of four female guards, one of whom I have occasionally shared it with, it mostly feels... oppressive, and difficult to be fair as I only have two arms. It helps that Iselin and Kari take a trip to the town to shop, so I can spend some alone time with Ciara, before focusing on Iselin and Kari. It was nice, and we all enjoyed eating cookies, fruits and fresh baked buns on the coastal cliffs in the sun. Kari's starting to influence Ciara too, or Ciara has just started to regain lessons from her own upbringing, and it is impressive how dignified she looks while sitting on a small rock, eating a carrot.
In front of the others, I give Alith the third kikare, due to her position as my guard captain. It's not Alith's personal kikare, but she decide who can borrow it depending on how the guards are distributed. But it is theirs to freely use, and they behaved as if I've given them a child to protect. There's hardly any difference compared to my own in image quality, but I can rank them. Bodil is water and wood forming a pair of lens covers in leather that we'll attach to the kikares intended mounts tonight when they are dry.
One thing I have noticed is that Gunhild and Hillevi have nice looking chain mail and swords. Not surprising since they worked for the King, but I will give chain mail to Alith and Bodil as a 'thank you' for their service so far, all three weeks of it. The reality is that I need guards who are well equipped to prove my status, especially now that I'm a Furst, and I prefer to raise Alith and Bodil instead of pushing them aside to prioritize Gunhild and Hillevi. Gunhild would probably be the best Captain since she is more than five years older than Kari, and have been a Shieldmaiden for almost 14 years. But I trust Alith more, and logically it's the smarter thing to do, to keep her loyalty and appreciation.
Damn all this status thinking, but it is hugely important here so I just have to adapt, and it would be stupid to ignore Kari's lessons about it.