Female complications, day 12
Caecilia
It's nice to be awoken by soft lips and a good kiss while feeling a sexy female body against mine.
"Robert, I don't fear you."
"What?"
"I just realised that I don't fear you. I finally truly understand what a stranger once told me; 'you shouldn't live in fear of saying something or doing something that can set him off. You have the right to be happy, and you deserve to be in a healthy relationship.' Fear and anxiety isn't healthy. My previous relationships have not been healthy. Yeah, they could be argued to be far more 'normal' than the one I have with you due to the others, but this is far more healthy, because I don't fear you. I know you can be dangerous and your mind can be scary, and you actually have killed someone, but ... I don't fear you. At all."
How the hell do you respond to something like that?! Especially while being woozy, half awake and cuddling with my girlfriend? But I have to say something! "Good."
"It's more than good, it feels bloody wonderful! Are we likely to eventually argue, get mad at each other and so on? Yes. But unless I do something monumentally stupid or really violent, I won't have to fear you, and hardly even then. Frankly, I'm far more likely to be the instigator and reason for any fear between us. You've never picked a fight, punched, clawed or slapped someone. I have. For silly and dumb reasons, or just assert dominance in a very alpha-beta animalistic way. Yeah, it ... 'works', but mainly on those that put themself on that scale, or isn't strong enough to avoid that scale, and willing to live with the consequences. Being violent and make someone fear you can feel powerful, but fear isn't respect. You can't use violence to 'earn' respect. It's just pretend respect when it's actually fear and anxiety, usually made and demanded by those that won't actually be able to achieve true respect. In many ways humans are just very smart animals, pretending we're not animals. I've been thinking a lot about stuff like this and relationships. I don't want to be that kind of person any more. Or the type to vandalise or destroy things, thinking it alright or just to cause hurt. It can be cathartic and feel damn good - get your blood pumping - but now it feels ... animalistic. Living with elves in a medieval world have made me see how much values and behaviour comes from the world and civilization we grew up in. What is normal. My higher values than Iselin or Kari is basically just from that, but you were above the mean in that too."
This is so wrong. Sure, I want us to talk about things, and be honest with each other, but I'm not really ready to have these kinds of discussions. Especially not right after waking up! But it's good that she thought about such things and wants to be a better person, and I have to try to show Jane that she has my support. So I kiss her and hug her a little tighter. But what can I say?
"Changing who you are is so hard, and also so easy. Self reflection like this and being willing to change is a huge thing. I'll be there for you and help you, just tell me how."
"Than... I was about to say thank you, and you would probably reply with something like 'you don't have to thank me for that'. And you would mean that."
That makes me smile. "True."
"This is feels strange. Our relationship feels so strange, yet so good. A lot of those small things in what a relationship have meant for me, just isn't there, but that is not bad or something I really miss. I don't expect you to do or behave in certain ways I've always taken for granted as what a relationship must have to be true. Yet I know that doesn't mean this relationship isn't real. That you don't truly love me or care about me. You're literally married and have three additional girlfriends, but somehow that just... So strange. It feels like I've reached a higher state of enlightenment, but also ... not. I wouldn't say I'm wise or self-assured with who I am. Far from it. But like I can see it from here? Kind of sad that I needed to be dropped into a medieval world to change like this. How would my old life have continued? How would I have been? I know wisdom comes with age and life experiences, but how were you at my age?"
"Can't really say. Of course I've changed too as I lived and experienced things, and wish I've done things differently. You have life experience that I don't, and not just because you're a woman."
"I wish I had met you a couple of years ago. My life would have been better with you in it."
"My life would have been better with you in it too."
"You bloody right it would! Most of my friends would have thought I've hit my head or something if we had become a couple, but that is just their loss. They wouldn't understand why I would move to Sweden to be with you! It feels weird to say that I probably wouldn't have stayed friends with a lot of them, and not really missed them. There's like four people I miss from that life. Four! I have practically the same amount of true friends here! Except job wise and the moving to a whole other country where the main language isn't English, it wouldn't have been hard to actually move and leave that old life behind me. My parents would be surprised as hell by you, but I think they would really like you once they got to know you. My father would probably do a second background check, just to wrap his head around how the hell we ended up together! Your avoidance of social media, web security and privacy would have his approval."
"Background check?"
"Oh yeah, he wouldn't admit to that, but I knew he always did, and it's kind of cute. He occasionally slipped up with knowing things he shouldn't had, and things you couldn't find out by just googling. He is very protective. When I moved to New York, he vetoed a couple of apartment choices, due to the neighbourhood, building security or just having to travel through badder neighbourhoods. Even if Midgård is a mess due to the CME, I bet my father and a couple of his friends have been zig-zagging all over Hardangervidda, trying to find me. I wish I could have let him know I'm good and safe. I miss him. And of course my mother."
Jane is teary-eyed and so am I. Some days it's just harder knowing that we will never see our families and friends again.
"I like your sneaky way of explaining the Universe and stuff like CME to Iselin, without stating there is no God or Gods. That Gods might just poke the natural randomness to cause the CME to be bigger or hit Earth at a certain time they need a Bifrost. I still find it hard to believe you told Iselin about the complete history of the world, and that it didn't destroy her faith! About evolution and apes! Or about freaking Supernovas! She is really dedicated to map the sky so she will be able to see if there is even a weak Supernova. Robert, you need to start telling me when you have told Iselin something like how we're all made of Stardust, so I don't look dumb!"
"I'll try to remember it."
A hell of a conversation to have this early in the morning, but good to have and she just sounds annoyed instead of angry. And I can improve her mood a bit, because I've decided to give Jane and Caecilia RobA knives. I've had two lying around for half a year, and I have a couple of folding knife versions too, and they can get one knife each. Jane has earned it with just her craft, and she is now my Älskarinna, my official mistress, so she should have one.
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I have an official mistress. When will that become not weird?
Caecilia also needs a better knife and she is my personal maid and sex bunny, and knives are a status thing. So before Jane gets out of bed, I fetch a regular knife or a folding knife so she can choose. Jane quickly chooses a RobA folding knife, because with its cork screw it is slightly more practical. She's have a wonderful happy smile as she clips the folding knife in her pants pocket. Even though she knows how much use a knife has in a world like Alfheimr, she still thinks it feels so 'outdoorsy' to actually carry a knife, and the folding knife feels 'more normal'.
I'm happy for the hugs and kisses.
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Discussions at breakfast and other things have made time pass, but eventually it's time for Caecilia's gift, and I find her in her room painting, so I knock on the frame and after she has dried herself and finished, I give her the choice. Wow. I am not prepared for how strongly she reacts. Caecilia's hands are shaking and tears are flowing as she gently takes the regular knife from me, and she have to sit down on the bed because her legs won't support her. She just tenderly holds the knife in its sheath against her bosom, and bow her head as tears silently runs down her cheeks. She looks ... vulnerable. I think it's the first time she's really looks so vulnerable and I don't understand why she reacted this strongly, but it connects as I sit there and hold her and let her cry against my shoulder.
Caecilia has 'forced' herself into this household, and 'use' me for convenience and unsecure future, and the first days after we met, I tried to get rid of her. She has probably always felt separated from me and the others, sambos and staff, which she honestly have been and not just because her first sleeping place here was in the wing with the staff. She knows I can force her from the islands and our lives whenever I want. But with first permanently moving to this room which is her own, with a south facing window just like my sambos, I signalled that she have become important and accepted, and now with the knife that she actually means something to me and that I am not going to force her away. It hurts my soul when I realise I've not been thinking about her feelings, even though Iselin said so just a few days ago.
"I love you!"
What? I am definitely not prepared when Caecilia - without even trying to hold back the tears - gives me many passionate kisses and happily declares her deep love for me which she says has been so difficult to keep hidden until now that I have accepted her. She is so happy to be my hóra, but for the first time since she became a hóra, she is sad that by law she cannot become anything more, and cannot give me children. Just pleasure and enjoyment. Can't give me anything. Through the kisses, I manage to say that she doesn't have to give me anything. Her companionship and service are more than enough.
She looks up at me, collects herself and she gets a serious look and tells me to witness. What? She kneels in front of her Freya statue and asks Freya to hear her. What the hell!? Caecilia almost scares the crap out of me, when with the tip of the knife between the fingers of her right hand, she calmly, controlled and methodically cuts something into the top of her left hand between the thumb and forefinger, as she swears an oath to Freya's and on her own name that as long as she lives to be only Robert Arnesson's, and no other man. To serve me in any way I wish, for her body and soul are mine, and for Freya to punish her if she breaks her oath. It's so unexpected and she does it with such utter seriousness and determination I can only watch.
When the first shock wears off, I understand that it is important to her that I witness her oath to goddess Freya, and she have just give a slight grimace from the pain, as she is completely focused on what she is saying and doing. Thankfully, the knife is sharp and there isn't much bleeding before she quickly have finish. She licks the blood off her fingers and the tip of the knife with a satisfied smile, and it probably hasn't been more than 10 seconds.
Holy crap!
She gives the blade a bloody kiss, wipes the blade and carefully slips the knife back into its sheath, before standing up and showing me her hand. Through the flowing blood I see she carved a dark red small R rune in a triangle. My house mark. My brand. She kisses her bloody hand, then the Freya figure who gets a bloody lip print. As she licks away the blood running down the back of her hand and from the wound, she drag her finger through the collected soot from the oil lamp. She methodically rubs the soot into the wound she cut, and through the pain and twitching in her eyes, she smiles. She takes more soot to really fill it in. She finishes by licking and kissing her bloody hand once again, wrapping a piece of rough fabric from her painting supplies around the hand as a makeshift bandage as she relaxes.
I'm completely speechless, and I haven't moved. Caecilia shines with happiness as she sits down on my lap, and with a blissful smile says that now, by a higher power than the law, she is Caecilia Sexbunny Robertshóra. Both Jane and I dislike Caecilia liking to call herself that, but with this oath and action, it's hard to deny her the right. Between kisses, she repeats that she really is Roberts in body and soul, and I can taste the blood from her tongue and bloody mouth. Caecilia rest her head against my shoulder as she hugs me, and I feel her relax as she says 'only Roberts', and she repeats it several times.
I sure didn't expect this when I came in here to give her a knife, even though I knew she'd be happy. I'm not happy with her actions, but it explains why she so easily gave her word half a year ago to be mine without us ever having met! It hasn't really connected until now, how seriously she took it and her oath.
I no longer mind having her in my life, and so does good work, so what can I do but hold her, as she smiling sits in my lap, repeating she is mine, again and again in different forms, and she uses my name, not Lord or Sir. Another happy kiss and with her tongue and fingers lovingly caressing me she makes sure I don't have any blood on my lips or cheek. Obviously, I have two fanatics who will be with me for the rest of my life, and I have to make sure that Caecilia's fanaticism doesn't spiral even more out of hand.
Oh, bad pun.
Caecilia starts singing softly to me and it's The Corrs 'No good for me' with her own lyrics. Considering certain parts of the original lyrics, I understand why it resonates with her, but she changes the lyrics as she sings, which is impressively done because she doesn't fumble for words.
"I see a home, a quiet place. Now I'm yours, in your strong arms. I'm protected, all worries gone. It's not parental. It's reality, no longer fantasy. And you're good, so good for me, you're all I see." As she happily looks up and locks her eyes in mine, I feel small tears starting to come as she sings the her special chorus; "Walking on clouds, when you look at me, feel like a child, full of vulnerability. I shake like a leaf when I feel you in me, and you're all that I see, you're so good, so good just for me."
Given how fluently and happily she sings the changed lyrics, it wouldn't surprise me if she dreamed of singing the song with those lyrics, and I listen as she sing.
"I feel your strong embrace, now I am loved, and I need no one else".
I want to take her to Unn and have her clean and disinfect the wound and apply a new bandage, but that doesn't change anything and I just can't do it yet, so I just keep listening as this lovely gorgeous woman sing about her love for me.
This is a world of powerful gods, spirits, violence, sacrifice, blood and sorcery. I don't believe in gods, but I know that Caecilia is completely convinced that Freya has heard her oath, as she with blood, will and sacrifice made Freya witness when she gave herself to me, and that Freya will punish her if she breaks the oath. Just like with Ciara, I just can't push her away even if I wanted to, so what can I do but take her sweet blissful face in my hand, look into her gray-green eyes wet by happy tears and shining and say:
"Caecilia. I accept your oath, your words and declaration before Freya. You are now bound to it and you are mine in soul and body."
Caecilia really shines with bottomless happiness, and when I kiss her and calmly lay her down in her bed, Caecilia truly becomes mine, probably for the rest of our lives.
She lets the world know that she loves it when I repeat that she is mine, and just before she orgasms, she happily screams out my name and that she is finally Caecilia Sexbunny Robertshóra, before giving in and shaking from pleasure.
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