“Is it night already?” I whisper in realization.

Looking up, I peer into the sky. The view of the stars is marred by the lights of the city.

Something I won’t miss.

For what has felt like minutes, I’ve been staring over the edge of the building watching both the city and the world move by.

Guess it’s actually been hours. There must not have been an alarm on the roof door, otherwise, I’d have already been found out.

I’m at peace looking at the ground as…calming thoughts push past the stress and pointlessness that has been my life.

It scares me.

But it brings me harmony.

Resolving myself, I step away until I’m in the middle of the roof. My view of the surrounding world is blocked for the time being.

I pull out my phone only to stare into my reflection on the black screen. A sad person blankly looks back with those empty eyes I hate so much. He seems tired. Weak. Out of effort to spend. Yet, there’s a tiny spark of optimism within the blackness. A hope of an ending he can design himself. An escape. The cusp of an explanation.

My finger taps against the screen. It lights up. The facial recognition initiates it for me. I slide through until I reach my contacts. Opening the app, I scroll down until I get the desired name. I press it. The phone comes up to my ear.

I listen distantly to the ringing until someone answers on the other end of the line.

“Hey, sweetie, how are you doing?” Mom answers my call.

I tense for a moment. Then my body relaxes. “I’m good. Just wanted to quickly check in on you.”

“That’s sweet. And odd. You rarely do that anymore,” notes my mom. “Everything’s good. I’m on break taking a smoke. Today, I should be able to get off early. My head is killing me.”

“That’s not good,” I mutter. “Well, okay then. That’s good to know. Thank you.”

“Is that really all you wanted to talk about?”

“Yeah.”

“You sure?”

“I’m positive.”

“Okay then.” My mom pauses for a moment, likely confused by the exchange. “That was short. Feel free to call me again later, okay?”

I bite the edge of my cheek. “O-Okay.”

“I love you, sweetie,” Mom cheerfully replies on the other end.

“I love you too,” I murmur back sadly. My voice feels as if it’s being squeezed through a lead pipe. “And thank you.”

“For what?”

“Just for being my mom.”

The other end is silent for a moment.

“Felix?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Promise.” I force the sound of a smile through my voice.

Another stoppage.

“I’m dealing with a will for a client. It’s kind of got me depressed, so I wanted to call you,” I half-lie.

“Oh. I’m sorry. You know him well?”

“Not really. But it’s always hard dealing with the family.”

“I can imagine. They lost someone precious to them, and they’re probably taking it out on you. Don’t worry, sweetie, you’re a good person. I’m sure you worked your hardest.”

I clench my teeth together. “I did.” And that’s the worst part.

“Then everything will get better with time. Call me when you get off of work today, okay?”

“Okay,” I lie.

“Alright. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

The line clears.

I stare up at the sky.

For a moment, I drown myself in thought. I reflect upon my past, the moments that brought me here, and the agony, the loneliness I’m enduring.

Another person comes to mind. A desire to call them swells within my soul. I find their information, press it, then place the phone to my head. The ringing begins.

“Hello? Felix? Is that you?” a feminine voice sounds on the other end of the line.

“Miya. It’s been a while.” My voice trails off for a moment. “How have you been?”

“I, um, good, I guess.” Miya delays as well. “Did you…need something?”

“Yeah, sorry.” I hesitate. “Um, I wanted to thank you.”

Silence.

“About what?”

“You’re kind of the only person who gave me some kind of joy from a decision I made.” The words hurt me a little saying them out loud. “I was mulling around with no purpose. You helped me find a path back when I was wandering, and I appreciate that.”

“You called me out of the blue just to say that? We haven’t talked in years. Where’s this coming from all of a sudden, Felix?” Miya requests on the other end of the line. Her tone is cautious. Worried.

“A place of hopelessness that has been eating away at me for a while now.”

“Felix, if you’re trying to get back together, I’m enga—”

“I’m not.” I halt her. I don’t want to hear her words. “Not at all. I’m way past that at this point. I don’t know if I’d even want to get back together if given the opportunity.”

Silence.

“Then what’s wrong?” Miya is unquestionably troubled now.

“I couldn’t resolve my guilt if I didn’t talk to you one last time. I think you’re the only person I ever loved if I can even call it that. It wasn’t enough. It was in the moment, but now I have nothing. Did I always have nothing? I don’t know.”

“You’re scaring me, Felix.”

“You remember how excited I got about being a public defender back when you pitched it to me as a good first job?”

“Felix.…”

“Do you remember?”

“Yes,” Miya says carefully. “I said it was the closest thing to being a hero in our profession. That made you really want to do it.”

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“Yeah.” I reminisce on that moment. “Did you really think that was true?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think even in this world, with the way things are, there are still heroes? Or are we all putting up airs to our selfish desires?”

“Are you drunk? What’s going on? Where are you?” Miya’s voice raises inappreciably.

“I’m fine. I’m going through some things. I think I’ve finally reached a sense of clarity,” I sigh. “Thanks for talking to me. Sorry for scaring you. I won’t call you again. I just wanted to hear your voice is all.”

“Fe—”

I cut the line free.

My hand reaches back. It pulls over my shoulder then launches forward. The phone soars over the side of the building as the screen lights up. Someone is calling me. It could be Miya. It could be my mom. Maybe it’s Scott. It might be the jail telling me of a new client. It could be work-related more generally.

None of that matters anymore.

“There are no heroes,” I whisper into the wind. “Why did I think I could be one? I’m a lonely, bitter man. There are good people out there, but I’m not one of them. I’m nothing. Just a brain in a body trying to find deeper meaning in a bland world devoid of color.”

I walk over to the ledge again. Staring over, exhilaration, happiness fills my body.

I hop onto the ledge.

The wind seems to whip around me harder now as I stare down.

Looking into the sky, I admire the blue above that looks like one massive painting. “A well-painted cage. Why have you trapped me like this?”

Every choice in my life has led me to this conclusion. A simple drop.

How pathetic.

“You’ve done all you can,” I convince myself. “You’re always tired. Always worried. Always stressed. Always in pain. Always lonely.” I feel tears drip down the edges of my eyes. “It’s time to rest.”

My left foot lifts. I let it dangle over the side.

Fear shoots through my heart. A vision of unending darkness violates my eyes.

I place my foot back down on the ledge.

My breathing is ragged. Panicked. I grip my chest. “No, no, no, no, no.” My eyes continue to look down at the ground. “Do it. Fucking do it!”

I try to take another step forward, but I cannot.

“Coward.” I punch at my knees. “Fucking coward!” I snap down so hard with my jaw I feel as if my teeth might crack. “Why?” I sense tears seeping from my eyes. “I thought I was resolved! What’s wrong with me?!” I shout into the sky. My voice softens. “What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel so empty yet yearn to live?!”

I pause.

“Human nature?”

Or is that hope?

I sit down on the ledge. My legs dangle over the side. I stare off into the distance as the wind dies down. The constant battering ceases.

A breathless sigh leaves my throat. My mind is calm. Rational. Everything aside, I can think clearly. Block out the noise. Block the pain. Block out the idea of death. Focus on myself…focus….

My eyes close. I lift my head up to the sky. Its rays beat down on my skin as I ponder existence. “I’m…going to quit this job. If I’m not going to do…this, I need to change things.”

For some reason, I start to laugh. “Fuck you, Scott. A near-death experience will show you what matters, huh?”

The racket of traffic below hums upward like a mess of bees.

“I want to help people.” I reaffirm what’s deep within my soul. “That’s the only thing I can think about. I don’t care about myself. Not even a little. I don’t want to. I’m not worth the effort. As long as it makes someone else’s life better, my own will have value. So what do I want to do?”

Closing my eyes, I crane my neck upwards. “All I’ve done is follow the path laid out before me. It’s not enough. I need to see something. Experience life. I have a good amount in my savings. I’ll get rid of my apartment. Join some non-profit. Travel. Visit those less fortunate than myself. Help others. Maybe then I’ll find my purpose in life. Maybe I can learn to love myself.”

A weight seems to lift off my back.

My head wallows in euphoria.

“Ah.” I smile. My eyes close as I move my face in the direction of the sun that's still yet to rise. “Was that the answer then?”

Carefully, I stand.

The action disrupts my foothold, shifting my body away from safety.

I dip over the side of the building.

“Huh?” My brain doesn’t seem to recognize what’s happening.

I plummet to the Earth.

“AHHHHHHHHH!” I scream, tears rolling out of the corners of my eyes. “STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP!”

Really?! After all that boasting?! My resolve?! Seriously?!

My speed increases. The tie around my neck occasionally slaps me in the face though it mostly stays behind me, flying in the wind. The edges of my suit jacket rapidly move as well, acting almost like the world’s worst parachute. Both my arms and legs straddle out wide. It is as if I instinctively think this will save me, fraying out like a gliding squirrel. I know it won’t. There’s no way. But here, in the air, speeding down towards a certain death, common sense isn’t relevant.

“SAAAAAAVE MEEEEE!”

The ground makes contact with my body.

R e a L i T y F R eeeeeeeeee z e s

My vision turns white.

Shades of black run across the brighter tint like racing birds in the open sky.

They tear the white apart as the blackness itself struggles against the all-consuming whiteness.

A lurching sensation overcomes my body.

Then…nothing.

My vision slowly returns.

Above me, what looks like the roof of a cage welcomes my newly-returned eyesight.

What the hell?

Sweat sticks to my brow. With shaky legs, I force myself to stand. My hands tremble as they scrape the materials underfoot, a square block similar to that which is above me.

I get my bearings. The shock of slipping off the building has not totally left me yet. As quickly as I’m upright, I double over. My hands land on my knees as ragged, scared breathing thrashes out of my lungs.

“What just happened?” The words come out ragged. “Am I…dead?”

That thought causes me to jerk upright. Immediately, I begin looking around.

My eyes widen.

An endless sky transcends the very concept of distance. Above and below me is this intricate steel cage. All the sides are open to an ocean-like sky where whispy waves like colonies of fish move amongst larger ones more attuned to whales.

I walk toward the edge of the cage. Each step becomes more careful as I near the side.

Looking down, it is no different than the sky above. Maybe it’s a reflection. Or perhaps I’m in the sky so high there is no ground to perceive anymore. Only a light blue sky filled with clouds meets my gaze. Nothing more.

Bracing my hands against the platform upon which I stand, I move my gaze upward.

The endless sky eats away at my sanity. Up is down. Left looks exactly like the right. There are no stars. There is no earth. Merely an endless, blue, cloudy expanse.

I bite my tongue to regain some semblance of rationality.

The world around me stays the same.

Nothing changes.

“I must be dead. I have to be. And this…is a cage.”

Is this what the afterlife is like? Drifting endlessly in an impossible cage through an infinite sky? There’s no point to this. No pain. No suffering. No bliss. No laughter. Nothing positive or negative in either direction. Completely neutral. A calming nothingness.

A prickling sensation agitates the back of my head. It prompts me to turn.

Standing with her back to me, a woman stares out the bars of the cage. Her body is, for lack of a better phrase, perfect. Her limbs are proportional. Her curves are prevalent. The only truly odd thing about her is her hair. Long, white hair flows from atop her head down to her lower back. She is clearly young, so the hair color is odd. Is that purposeful?

Is this God?

Who else could it be given the circumstances?

The woman begins to turn around.

Before she can fully face me, the world distorts painfully. My hands latch onto the sides of my head as a piercing sensation assaults my brain.

The woman walks towards me. Blinding white and black lights obscure her visage.

I drop to my knees.

A pair of arms wrap around my neck. They pull me into a warm body. It’s the only sensation I can feel beyond pain.

Do what I could not.

The voice chants like a digital echo rattling through my mind. It appears to come from nowhere and everywhere simultaneously. The words disrupt my senses. They set them aflame.

My world continues to lose color as it disappears amongst black and white.

Sleep soon consumes the last remnants of my energy as the world around me slips away.