What does it mean to kill?

What is a hero?

What is sin?

I…

My chin rests upon my chest. Every inch of my flesh hurts. I’m sore. Pained. Tired. Weak.

Time means nothing to me anymore. I’ve either been trapped here hours, days, weeks, or months. Any and all answers are either true or false. I know not which is which, but reality is pain. Only pain. My pain. My legs and back are chafed from sitting for so long. I can feel sores stabbing at my skin as my flesh seemingly molds into the wood. The wounds on my sides, arms, and face have begun to fester and smell. My wrists and feet are rubbed raw from pulling against my restraints, both out of a desire to flee and to move away from my pain. I’m cold. I haven’t worn clothes in hours, days, weeks, months? I have no energy left. I doubt I could stand if I tried. I don’t even have the power to fight my ropes anymore. I can barely scream. Tired. I’m so tired. But I can’t sleep. Otherwise, my dreams will hurt me. They’ll replay the pain over and over and over and over and over and over and over—

Ah!

I can cry again!

I thought I ran out of tears.

How silly!

I’m forced enough food and water to stay alive. I learned early on why there’s an open hole at the bottom of my chair. The room smells stagnant because of it.

Little cuts fleck up my entire body, from the soles of my feet to the skin around my breasts to the territory around my neck and face. Nothing has had time to heal, as Talbert reopens them whenever he returns. Couldn’t have me getting better. No, no, no! He wouldn’t want that.

Somewhere along the way, my humanity was taken from me. I stopped feeling like a person and more like an animal barely being kept alive.

What a waste.

What a fucking waste of a life!

Talbert is going to kill me. The chances are high even if my mind rejects its certainty. There’s enjoyment as Talbert cuts my skin. He relishes in my screams, the feel of the steel cutting into me. Then he’d whisper to his mom. To his younger self. Yet he always stops himself just short of killing me and leaves to wait off the urge to end my life.

All I have is hope.

If I cling to that, something will save me. Be it me or another, I will not let myself be extinguished.

Even so, I’ve ruined this life. Even if I’m saved, I’ll never be the same. The scars won’t fade on my body or mind. I won’t be able to sleep soundly again. I’ve tried. It doesn’t work.

I’ve failed. Not only whatever gave me my second chance but those around me who love me. I get that now.

I never tried to make myself happy. I gave up. I never tried to be better. Not in any meaningful way. It was all so childish. Even in my last life.

I’m not sure if I really slipped off that building…

This was Scarlet’s…this was my second chance. A chance to be better. To fix my mistakes. I’ve been so confused with my purpose, yet I was trying. I wanted to be something. Be better.

But what did I do? Oh, I complained! This little coward complained! Fucking useless! Pointless shit fucking life! Fuck!

Idiot…

All I need is one more chance.

One more chance!

One more!

I know it now! My purpose! My answers! My destiny! My role! My salvation! My philosophy! My hope! My dreams!

I know…I know, I know, I know…

The gap between pain and reality.

Nirvana.

Redemption.

Exaltation.

Rapture.

Freedom.

I know what I’m supposed to do.

What I desire beyond anything else in this world.

I was running, hiding from reality. Like a fool. A child. I always was. From death. From life. From my actions. My inactions. Everything. Every indecision, wrong, decision, right decision, failure, success, heartbreak, delight, agony, bliss.

Hero? Slave? Woman? Man? Daughter? Son? Friend? Student?

A label nor a broken mind can take away the feeling I crave within my soul.

It’s freedom.

What matters is freedom.

Freedom from everything.

I want it, even if only for a second.

It was my desire all along. I muddied it with words like “hero” or helping others, but those ideas were never concrete. What I wanted was buried underneath all that. No, it was so large, so consequential, I didn’t dare desire it or voice my need so profoundly.

Freedom.

That is my dream.

But it may never come for me.

Freedom.

Independence.

Sovereignty.

Autonomy.

Individualism.

Emancipation.

To be free.

All I’ve ever wanted…was to be free…from myself…from what holds me back…my indecision…my weakness…humanity…

The sound of a creaky wooden door slamming above signals the return of my torment. I feel tears begin to swell up at the corners of my eyes. They increase in volume as Talbert fully enters my view. I’m accustomed to the darkness now, as it is all I know. I can make out his entire body, his demeanor. It’s different. Things have changed.

Talbert walks over to his table. He grabs his curbed little blade off the counter. “Did you sleep well?”

A gag sits in my mouth, preventing me from screaming.

“That’s good to hear,” Talbert coos. “People are looking for you. I watched them pass by in the darkness.”

Talbert walks across the room until he’s behind my back.

The tears fall faster down my face. Salty water sticks to my cheeks.

It’s going to start again.

The pain.

The fear.

Or is this the end?

Am I going to die? Can I?

Worse?

No, he hasn’t used me yet.

Will he kill me first?

That would be the only bright side.

Maybe—

The ropes around my feet are severed. The ones binding my arms are as well. I fall forward painfully to the floor.

I choke, breathing painfully as my forehead slaps against the ground. It’s wet. Muggy. My cuts are set alight as my muscles force my body to put pressure on my skin. I’d cry if I weren’t already.

Talbert crouches before me. “I said I’d set you free. Go.” He ushers me forth with his hands. “Go on. Get away.”

I pull the gag out of my mouth. Fresh air finally makes its way to my lungs. “Bu-bu-bull…shit,” I say, my voice hoarse and weak.

“We’ve been together for a while and can only stay hidden for so long. The end is near, I fear. I always give them a chance to leave before that happens. I told you that. You’ll only die when your body finally gives out on you,” Talbert informs me. His eyes darken. “Is that now? Are you unable to even move?”

Fear penetrates my heart at those words, that gaze. Adrenaline rushes through my bloodstream. I force my hands forward. They throb with agony. I begin to crawl. Blood from cuts, now disturbed by my movement, reopen again.

Ah.

I’ll bleed out soon.

Because I’m so weak, I’m being rough with my movements. It’s causing my cuts to weep. That’s Talbert’s ploy. Hahaha! I get a chance to leave, yet the game is rigged! I won’t make it more than twenty minutes at this rate. My body is trashed.

Shit.

No, that’s no way to think.

I’ve got to leave.

I’m going to leave.

Hope.

I still have hope.

I make it to my feet.

“Oh ho?” Talbert seems surprised. “Ah, but you’ve always been strong. Can you make it up the stairs, child?”

Ignoring him, I do just that. The first step brings me pain as the splintered wood cuts my feet further. Each action damages me. I can feel blood streaming from my body. My vision is fuzzy. Even my brain is floundering.

Wouldn’t it be easier to get to the top of the stairs, fall backward, and let it end?

No, no, no, don’t think like that.

Hope.

I still have hope.

I make it halfway up the stairs. Turning around, I see Talbert behind me. He follows slowly. His little knife spins in his hand.

Ignoring that, I force myself forward until I’m at the top of the stairs.

“Can you open the door?” Talbert asks slowly.

Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

Gritting my teeth, I press a palm against the entry. It doesn’t open even though it is ajar. The hinge must be rusted. Readying myself, I push a little harder. It barely moves. My muscles scream. Little by little, I move the door an inch. When there’s enough room to squeeze past, I do so.

The door frame and door scrape against my body on both sides.

Unwanted screams leave me as a ripping sensation mars my flesh.

I stumble forward into a new room on my knees, but that only makes the pain worse.

“I’m so proud of you,” Talbert’s voice echoes behind me.

“…die...kill you…”

“Do you think you can do it? Kill me. Could you kill me now?”

I crane my neck until I’m looking back at the man. He stands in the threshold of the door I scraped through. He leans against it casually. His eyes are alight with mischief.

“Yes,” I say with firm conviction.

“Good, because you have two options since you’re special.” Talbert smiles. “If you exit through that door—” He points to the only other one in the room. “—you’ll be outside. Castle Grey is southwest of here. You’re free to walk there, but if your body gives up on you along the way, you’re mine. I wouldn’t count on people finding you before then. I’ve covered my tracks very, very well. As I said, we’ve already had some guests pass us by. Lucky for you and me, this is a place you have to know how to find, or you’ll miss it. It’ll be a trek out of here, but if you want to try it, you are welcome to do so.”

I force my way up to my feet again by pushing my weight against the wall for support. My blood smears it. “And the second option?”

Talbert jerks his head towards the middle of the room. “One last chance to kill me.”

I follow his head. Two swords sit in the middle of the room. It’s an empty room, save for the wooden floors and walls. The few windows are boarded up. The only thing of note is a single couch with a pillow and blanket. Talbert likely sleeps there. There are also bags of items, likely food, clothes, and supplies. Other than that, the room is plain. That’s what makes the swords stand out the most.

“They’re mine,” I whisper.

My swords are stabbed into the floor. Twelve paces of space are created between them.

“If you win, they can be yours again,” says Talbert. “You threw mine in the river, so I claimed them. If you duel, I’m sorry, but you can only use one.”

Ah.

So he’s going to win.

The game remains rigged.

I’ve never been able to beat him with one sword. Only when I used dirty tricks. Now I’m weak, can barely move, nor can I use my abilities to buff my stats.

Two impossible options sit before me. Neither is true freedom. I’ll die either way; otherwise, I wouldn’t even be presented with them. I know my body. I won’t make it to Castle Grey by walking. I can already feel my strength rapidly depleting. I won’t die. I’ll pass out. That’ll be enough to secure my fate.

If I’m going to die, I’d rather die fighting. Even then, it’s my only chance of salvation. Everything is easier with a sword in my hand, even the idea of death.

“I’ll fight,” I decide. For some reason, a bit of my strength returns as conviction rings true in my soul.

Talbert claps his hands. “I’d expect nothing less. Everything would be a waste otherwise. I can see it in your eyes. That special spark.” He seems to glimmer. “You finally have it.”

I cross the room. As I do, I try to activate my gifts to confirm they’re sedated. Neither ability forms. Whatever poison I’ve been consistently dosed with hasn’t worn off yet.

“Do you find this fair?” I yap.

“I’ve beaten you twice in life-or-death situations. Be happy you get a third chance, as dismal as it may be, against a version of myself down one arm,” reprimands my former teacher. “Besides, did I even use my gifts last time we fought?”

“To cheat defeat at the end when I’d already beaten you, yes.”

As I near one of my swords, a sense of calmness runs through me. That feeling only deepens when I touch the handle, pulling it fast out of the wood.

Talbert arrives at the other blade. He copies the motion.

We stand before each other.

“You going to feel good about killing a naked girl on the verge of death?” I say in an attempt to buy myself some time.

“It is because you are a naked girl on the verge of death that you appease me so.”

“I’ll make your death painful.” I force a malicious smile onto my lips. “Come on. Let me kill you. You said you wanted it.” I point at the ground. My body screams with pain, but I put up a good front. “Don’t fight. Lay down and let me cut you over and over again. Then I’ll slit your throat. Kill yourself, bitch. Let me do it.”

“See how my process changes people?” Talbert gestures at me as if happy with my response. “I couldn’t have expected better results.”

Groaning, I rotate my shoulder, using the weight of my blade to stretch out my muscles. Every movement screams pain, but I force myself to ignore the sensation. I have no choice. I will fight. I will kill him. If I can’t, then I’ll die. There’s no overthinking things. This is reality.

But if I must die, I don’t want to keep any more secrets.

“Can I tell you something before we do this?” I relax, stabbing the tip of my sword back into the wood. I lean against the top of it. The action supports my wobbly, weak, pained body.

Talbert gives pause. He slackens his stance. “If you must.”

“Did you ever find it strange how smart I was? Driven? Gifted? Even at a young age?” I ask. “How my wants and needs were so different from any other person you’ve ever met?”

“The Gods made you who you are. They work in mysterious ways,” Talbert responds without hesitation.

“Wrong!” I shake my head. “It’s because this is my second life,” I grunt, pulling my sword out of the wood. I twirl it around. “My real name is Felix Cortez. I lived thirty years as a man, fell off a building, then woke up in the body of a baby girl in your world,” I release the secret that has held me hostage all these years. “I’m smarter than you because I’ve lived longer than you. My perspectives are broader than yours ever will be. Your view of life and death are naive. You don’t know what it means to die. I’ve died, so I’ve always feared it. Feared giving it to others. But that part of me is gone. Your tragedies are meaningless. Better men than you have gone through worse and changed the world for the better. You are trash unworthy of the air you breathe. I appreciate the training you gave me, and now I’ll kill you with it.” I twirl my sword. “That’s a promise.”

Talbert stares at me, stunned. After a moment, he laughs. “An amusing story! You almost had me there! Absurd. It’s creative though, I’ll give you that.”

“Think what you will. It doesn’t matter anymore.” I let out a relieved breath. “Gods, that felt so good to finally say out loud! Shit!”

“Are you ready?” Talbert asks me.

My body slowly forms into a shaky fighting stance.

Talbert beams. “Then…begin!”

My first step is deliberate. I stumble. It causes Talbert to sigh. Enough that he lets his guard down, even just a smidge.

I lunge forward, mustering all the strength remaining in my body into this one attack.

Surprised, Talbert moves away, but not completely. The edge of my blade snips his side. Crimson liquid splatters outward, but the wound is not fatal. I’m not that lucky.

“You really are trying to kill me,” mutters Talbert. His fingers dab at the wound. “You could have nicked an organ.” He begins to laugh.

I try striking forth again to no avail. The sword grows heavy in my hands as I’m forced to use both to support mine. They shake furiously.

“Try again,” instructs Talbert.

“Stop sounding like a teacher.”

“Even now, I’m still your teacher. Even in the end, Scarlet,” coos Talbert.

“It’s Felix.”

Fuck it.

I swing at him.

Miss.

Once more.

Miss.

Each attack gets weaker and weaker until my hands start to lose their grip on the steel. Each attack grows slower. Each attack kills me.

Talbert knocks away one of my swings with the back of his hand. “Care to go on defense for a bit?”

I wince.

Talbert, taking that as a sign of acceptance, pushes forward. His strikes come at me. They aren’t complicated. They aren’t fast. Still, they’re too much for me.

Each hit chips away further at my strength.

My body is slashed again and again. Blood spatters the floors and the walls. Each cut is shallow. Deliberate. None will end my life, but each takes away my will.

“Is that what you want?” I cough. My voice is hoarse. “To see me break?”

“Is it that obvious?” Talbert rejoices.

“I won’t break,” I say. “If that’s all that’s keeping me alive, I’ll stay on my feet fighting you for days. Weeks. Months. Fucking years! Whatever it takes!”

“Bold words for someone barely able to walk.”

It’s taking everything in my power to stand upright. A few more hits, and I’m done. I can feel it. Even if I don’t want to, as much as I may will it, my body and brain are disconnected. The desire and the ability do not match up.

I may already be dead.

If that’s the case, I’ll go out on my own terms this time.

I genuinely am going to miss this life. Even with its hardships, I was finally able to resolve my sense of purpose. Who knows? Maybe I’ll reincarnate with my memories a third time?

Talbert stabs at me weakly. He’s bent on playing with me until my body gives.

I pull up my sword, close the distance between us, and go to block the shot.

Okay.

I’m done.

I let my sword dip away.

Talbert’s sword sinks into the bottom left side of my stomach. It enters the front and exits out my back.

An unimaginable pain blooms inside of me. Thousands of tiny needles feel as if they’re converging on me in the one area.

My body wobbles. It’s even harder to stand. The darkness around the corners of my eyes closes ever deeper around my vision.

“What?!” Talbert recoils, shocked.

In quick succession, I pull up my sword. It connects with Talbert’s armed hand. The flesh is sliced off, leaving a bleeding stump in its place.

“I’m willing to die, remember? This is nothing. You’re dying with me. It’s your dream, remember? To let me kill you? Die.”

Talbert stares. My actions nor my words register in his mind. Not at first.

Not wanting to waste the moment, I launch a piercing jab at Talbert’s upper thigh. It sinks through. Blood immediately begins falling around the blade. I pull it out. That only increases the pressure and the flow. Crimson liquid squirts outward.

I hit an artery.

Talbert tumbles backward, sinking to the dirty wooden floor.

A sword remains in my stomach. Seizing the handle, I struggle to pull it out. The sliding of the steel against my guts causes me to bite down. I nearly sever my tongue. Quickly, I yank it. The blade slips out. Blood pours freely down my flank.

“Son of a bitch,” I gasp. Shock and adrenaline are the only things keeping me on my feet.

I step forward until Talbert is laying below me. Little cries leave his throat as he tries to apply pressure to his leg with the bleeding stump he used to call a hand.

With reckless abandonment and a spark of much needed adrenaline, I start slashing and stabbing at him. Nothing too deep. Nothing too life-threatening. All I do is shave away and tear at his flesh. The same thing he’s done to me.

I keep at it for minutes.

And minutes.

The ability of his Divine Treat struggles to heal his body. The wounds are closing but not as fast as I’m creating new ones.

Eventually, I can no longer hold two swords. The one in my right hand finally tumbles from my grasp as the slim amount of vigor providing me potency ultimately vanishes.

I blunder back a step.

Talbert remains on the floor. He’s barely moving. Blood and cuts now cake his body and clothes. The wound on his leg has not stopped bleeding.

“Atta girl,” mutters Talbert.

Most of my vision has begun to fade or grow blurry. “I was so half-assed before,” I mutter hoarsely. The pain in my body begins to fade. Every feeling does. “I was a child to think I wouldn’t have to sacrifice something to change. Wishing not to kill anyone is an unrealistic fantasy. I need to take responsibility for your life now that I’ve gone this far. Otherwise, what’s the point?” I point my sword at his leg. “Regardless of what you do, I stabbed your femoral artery. You’ve lost too much blood. You’re down an arm and a hand. Even with your abilities, you won’t heal fast enough now that I distributed the wounds around you broadly. You’re done. I’ve killed you. I won. Pathetic. You let a dead person beat you.”

Talbert groans. He eyes me happily. It sickens me.

“My life before this one wasn’t great. I was a coward. I did whatever my mom told me, my bosses, my friends, my lover. I ended up burdened with an unhappy job living something I could barely call a life. I hated being me, being Felix. Every day was a struggle, but it wasn’t because life was unfair. I felt I was missing something. It was my fault. I never did anything to alter what made me unhappy and that bled over to this reality.”

Talbert struggles to get to his feet, but he cannot. He sputters, his body weak and dying. A tendril juts out from his back and wraps around his leg, but it disappears almost immediately. His wounds are too much to keep his gifts sustained. Like me, he’s dying.

Gods, I can’t feel anything. What did it feel like to hurt? To breathe? To ache? To blink?

“Being a man was hard. Now I realize that being a human is hard. Life is a grim friend. It gives you every opportunity available within it and makes them all attainable yet so far out of reach. You can do anything. You can do nothing. That’s what I thought. Then I started to change. I tried to fix my weakness. Through knowledge, strength, swords, gifts, exercise. Anything. Anything to make myself better.” I stagger slightly. My legs are trembling. “But that was all my body which I rejected and bullied. I neglected my mind. Even after all I did, I couldn’t accept myself, accept Scarlet, accept Felix, accept life. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. I can’t. I said it so long ago. I had the answer, but I neglected it. The heavens cannot survive without the earth nor the earth without the heavens. The mind and body must be in harmony, and I always neglected both when it mattered.”

Talbert now listens to my words. Shock dawns on his features. It looks like he’s starting to believe my story of my past.

“I wasted one life. I will not waste this one, even as it comes to a close,” I realize. “All I want is to be me…a version of me with the drive to actually do something. To follow through with my desires…my hopes…my…dreams. In the grand scheme, that part is gone. I’m dying…again…again.” I chuckle weakly as tears fall from my eyes. “I wanted freedom…from myself…it’s all I ever wanted. In the end, I fought for it. I really did. I…I really did…”

“Freedom?” Talbert spits blood. “Have you found it?”

“The pain helped hone my mind. I would never have arrived at these answers without it. There’s nothing more important than freedom. The freedom to be who you want, do what you want, live how you want. Dwelling on the past makes you regretful. Looking towards the future makes you anxious. Only by living in the present can one be free.” I cough out blood then offer a sad smile as the crimson mars my lips. “I want to live…each day can be a new adventure…seeing new places…trying new things…helping people…culling evil. Whatever I want. I could do whatever I want. No one will control me ever again…even if I have to sacrifice those that get in my way. It’s all I ever wanted…true freedom…for everyone…even for you…let me…set you free…”

I thrust forward with my sword.

Black tendrils lunge at me from behind Talbert’s back. All are aimed at my face.

But they’re too late.

My blade pierces the skin just below Talbert’s throat.

The light in his eyes reflect my own before losing all their luster. The tendrils around his back vanish into smoke mere millimeters from my body.

“I’m proud of you,” Talbert manages to gag out before succumbing to death.

The darkness around the edges of my vision fully overcomes me.

I fall backward, my duty done.

“Did I do it?” I whisper, my voice weak. “Am I…free?” Bloody tears stain the corners of my eyes. “Am I happy?”

Those words become my last in this world as I finally die.

No more pain.

No more suffering.

Freedom…

I can rest…

Dark…

Cold…

So…cold…