Lunch was a creation of my own. I craved meat. Chicken breasts and string beans soon became my meal.

Bland? Yes. Healthy? Very much so. Does it hurt Chef Rumsley every time I try to eat those things I call “just fuel” right to his face? Yes. Yes, it does.

Chef Rumsley shooed me out when I tried to make it myself though. A lot of my chef duties have been unceremoniously taken away from me lately. Hmm, or am I just not doing it as much as I used to? It’s probably that. Being a vigilante is more fun than being a chef any day. That’s a given. It’s what I’d rather be doing at this moment than…nothing at all.

Well, the fact that I didn’t make it failed to deter me from having three servings. Even though I’m familiar with all the recipes I created since I, well, created them, Chef Rumsley is the true master. Try as I might, I’ll never beat him at his own profession. He’s just that talented.

I assembled quietly in the dining hall eating until I had my fill. When I was done, I trotted out mindlessly while servants cleared and cleaned where I sat.

“Damn, I’m exhausted,” I mutter as I move through the somewhat busy hallways of the castle. People greet me as I do, and I greet them back, but my mind is elsewhere.

I’m not sure if it’s because of the gift practice though. Granted, it’s tougher than normal because Talbert’s aware of my vigilante exploits, but it shouldn’t be causing this level of exhaustion.

If I had to guess, it’s Clyde’s healing abilities. They sapped up all my energy so I could heal quicker. He’s used them on me a few times, but I never noticed such a grand effect on my stamina. Then again, I’ve never had a near-death injury before.

It’s like my body’s natural healing accelerated. I could feel my body flowing and rebuilding in such an unnatural way. It was kind of like my vessels were suddenly opened, flooded with energy, and numbed until I was stitched back together.

If that’s what the ability does, then it’s dangerous. Cell division is what repairs wounds. They only have a limited amount of division cycles in one’s lifetime. If the cells were forced to multiply quicker than normal, the person being healed would have their future life force cut, no? That’s what I would think.

Is that worth risking for small injuries? Should it only be used for life-or-death situations?

Then again, I’m probably wrong in my conclusions. Nothing in this world works like it did on Earth. Physics. Magical abilities. Monsters. I should probably just conclude “It’s magic” and move on.

“There’s never a simple answer for anything,” I mutter as I smile and wave at a soldier walking past me.

That complicated concept aside, I’ve put in enough work for today. I’d say having a chunk of skin torn out of my back qualifies me for a much-deserved break.

Moments later, I’m in my room. Gathering up a bag and my books, I exit the castle until I’m in the courtyard containing my broken wall. I sneak past the trees to the crack and—

—where is the crack?

Frantically, I look at the wall in every conceivable way on the off chance that my eyes are playing tricks on me.

I’m soon forced to face reality: someone repaired it.

And I know exactly who’d do this…

Exiting the trees covering the former break in the wall, I come face-to-face with Remi. Her arms fold over her chest as she eyes me like a mother does a child after telling it to sit in a corner for a time-out, and the child disobeys. It’s an aggravating look, to say the least.

“Why the hell would you do that?!” I ask. My voice trembles with rage. “Can’t I have one thing?!”

“It was a security issue and has been for a while,” replies Remi. “Someone could have snuck in here a long time ago. It was foolish of us to allow the opening. Besides, you’re supposed to stay on the castle’s grounds. Visiting the meadow goes against that policy.”

“Luckily, I don’t need the crack anymore.” I smirk. Black tendrils launch out of my back. They latch onto the top of the wall and begin pulling me up.

A battalion of debris lay into them until they disintegrate into particles.

I drop slightly to the ground. My eyes narrow at Remi. “You really want to go there?”

Remi narrows her eyes as well. “If I must.”

“You know, I’m really nice to you most of the time, but I swear I’m about to lose it. Shit, I’m going stir crazy. This might be the final straw for me.” I can feel my eyes burning within my head as I hold back fury. “Are we still friends? Or should I let that go for now and wreck your shit?”

The whole situation is starting to make me sound like a crazy person.

I just need…outside! To do stuff! Anything! I hate this so much!

“Oh please. You can barely beat Alexander. What prayer does a rich girl that likes to play soldier sometimes have over me?” Remi replies in a similar tone to me. “Have you killed anyone before? Fought something so inhumane just glancing at it defies rationality? I have zero fear of you. None.”

My tongue glides over my lip. “Is that so? We should correct your stupidity together then.”

“If you must.”

Oh, screw you!

If that’s how she’s wants to play, then fine. We’ve been going back and forth without any resolution for nearly a week now. I’m sick of it.

We have Clyde. If I break her, he’ll put her back together. He said as much and after feeling his powers, I believe him.

So I can go ahead and cripple her for the shit she’s put me through. I’ll probably feel better afterward. Besides, it’s her fault for egging me on with all this “rich girl” and “playing” shit. She knows it annoys me, and that’s exactly why she’s doing it!’

I’m going to punch her in the stomach. One good hit, and I’ll feel better. I know it.

My bones alight with my light cloak as the color causes them to become visible underneath my skin.

Remi braces herself.

My foot crunches the ground underfoot, twisting the dirt with the force of my takeoff as I aim a fist at Remi’s belly.

Remi floats upward using her abilities.

Expecting this, I kick up off the ground.

Remi slides her feet away from my grip as I narrowly miss her.

“You think that’s it?!” I shout.

A second jet black hand builds from my arm and launches at Remi. The fingers are twisted and wavy like a mess of inky water. They snag her leg.

“Gah!” Remi shoots me a look as she shouts.

The dark hand throws Remi down to the ground, much like a baseball pitch.

Before Remi makes contact, she compels her clothes to pull her body in the opposite direction, suspending her perfectly above the ground.

Honestly…that was enough to get rid of most of my anger…

Wow, I was acting psycho there for a moment.

Deep breaths…she’s my friend. She’s acting like an asshole, but Remi’s probably doing this because she thinks she’s protecting me or something. It’s a shitty form of kindness, but it is kindness. I shouldn’t be punishing her like this.

I land in front of her. “Stop controlling me,” I say simply in a level voice.

“Stop acting like a child and let me protect you!” Remi shouts back. “It’s my fucking job!”

I was right on the mo—

My feet are swept from under me as the cobblestones I was standing on suddenly slide forward.

The back of my head bounces against the ground.

I groan. My hands immediately go to the wound. “You…bitch! I didn’t hurt you!”

Remi is standing over me now. “You could have!”

“But I didn’t!” I grit my teeth and glare at her. “Screw that then!”

A tendril seeps from the bottom of my foot. It sweeps Remi’s feet out from under her now. Her head crashes into the ground just like mine did.

“Owwww…” Remi groans.

We both roll on the ground in pain.

What a pathetic fight…

Forcing the pain away, I kick my feet out. The rest of my body follows as I quickly set myself upright.

Remi copies me.

We face each other.

I glare at Remi.

She glares back.

“Have we ever fought hand-to-hand before?” I ask with a grin.

“No, you always hide behind a sword,” shoots back Remi with an equally shitty smirk.

“Is that what you think?” I crack my neck as I move it side-to-side. “How about we test that theory?”

“Me? Fight someone who’s barely trained in this type of fighting style? How will I ever succeed?” she says sarcastically.

Heh…okay then!

Opting for a left-handed stance, I place my left palm by my face and my right hand forward. I then center my hips for balance while I keep forward on my toes. Lightly, I jostle in place while moving my shoulders as I warm up my body.

Remi stares at me, confused.

Oh yes, she should be. This part of my life is something I’ve kept largely hidden, mostly for special, special occasions. Only a few criminals have seen this side of, Gai, and Nigel once in private, though he sent me flying with an explosion as a counter. Other than those select few, no one knows my true skills here. Remi would be included in that larger group.

Normally, I wouldn’t want to box a girl, but this radical new body and lifestyle of mine has made me extremely gender neutral when it comes to violence. It’s not like I’m built like Alexander. I’m basically a small, muscly red-haired child. If anything, Remi has the advantage in size, so I should go all out, right?

“The hell are you doing?” asks Remi, cautious.

“Who knows?” I retort.

From what I can tell, the soldiers tend to learn muted versions of the best parts of fighting styles I’m familiar with, though not quite what I learned. There are grappling techniques they have similar to jiu-jitsu, I can see the essence of taekwondo in their kicking practices, and their elbow strikes are similar to what they teach in Mauy Thai.

On their own, they’re effective. Taking the best strikes of different martial art styles isn’t necessarily a bad thing, especially when hand-to-hand combat is only taught about a fifth as much as weapons training.

But me? I was a martial artists nut in my past life. I competed, watched it, and continued it into my early thirties as a stress relief.

The way I see it, Remi and the others have taken the coolest looking puzzle pieces from multiple fighting styles and kept them. Me? I have way more pieces and puzzles, in general, compared to them in my arsenal. I may not have been a master in them all, but I’m above average in a few and excellent in some.

For example, there’s nothing quite like boxing when it comes to a street fight.

I’ve had to knock out someone in jail before. A client in my past life. He didn’t like my advice, thought I was a narc, and lunged for me. From first-hand experience, I know its effective against people unprepared for it.

They don’t really teach boxing in this world. The style the soldiers have that’s similar doesn’t seem as strong or fluid. If I had to guess, those that would normally be good martial artists are soldiers. Rather than focus on niche close-combat styles when their job is more life-or-death, soldiers prioritize weapons training and gift over subjectively less useful areas of combat. There are probably a select few out there that have mastered some martial arts styles, but they’re likely few and far between. As for commoners, they have a hard enough time working and getting by. Those with the money to pay for a combat instructor, again, likely favor the sword or bow. It’s not like there are dojos out there in the towns and cities. Not that I’m aware of. Hell, Talbert has never once tried to teach me how to fist-fight.

Ergo…

I jab forward with my right fist. The left stays by my face.

The attack, not masked by my cloak, soars at Remi’s face.

She dodges back.

I shuffle forward and extend another dodge.

A flurry of jabs leaves me.

Remi dodges all of them, but barely. She seems troubled and confused by my sudden ability.

“What even is this?”

“You mean how do I know this?!” I yell, letting her know I heard her. “I’m a genius, remember?”

Remi glares.

I jab at her again.

Remi ducks under it and closes the distance.

I grin.

Crouching down quickly, I meet her gaze with a crazed smile.

Remi shudders.

My left fist, which has been sitting absent during the entire exchange, counters.

It connects under her jaw.

I watch Remi’s eye roll into her head as she collapses backward onto the ground.

My hand hurts.

But I won.

Standing over my friend, I stare down at her gloating, basking in the victory.

For a moment.

Then…shame.

“Goddammit,” I mutter. “What is wrong with me?”

*

Remi’s eyes flutter open.

“Take it easy. You might have a concussion,” I say gently.

Remi’s head sits gently in my lap. We congregate quietly on a patch of grass by a fountain surrounded by trees, flowers, and the sounds of birds chirping around us. The sun lightly warms our skin.

“My mouth hurts like a bitch,” says Remi slowly.

“Jaw,” I correct. “Your jaw hurts like a bitch. That’s what uppercuts are for. Hurting jaws.” I pause. “Shit, I didn’t check your teeth.”

Suddenly worried again, I open Remi’s mouth with my fingers. Glancing quickly, everything seems intact. No gaps. There is a bit of blood, but it seems like her molars cut the side of her cheek rather than—

Remi abruptly pushes my hands away. “What the hell?!”

“Oh…that was weird, wasn’t it?”

Remi just stares up at me.

“I-I’m sure a guy’s done something worse…and similar…in a way…”

Remi glares at me.

“I’m sorry,” I say genuinely. “About…that…and everything else.” I fidget lightly with my hair while looking away out of pure embarrassment. “This lockdown has me going insane, especially given how much freedom I’ve had until recently. To be honest, kicking your ass felt great.”

Still Remi glares.

“But only for a second!” I correct quickly. “I didn’t leave you on the ground to go out galivanting in the meadow, did I? I stayed here and took care of you the entire two minutes you were out, alright? It was a dickish thing to do. I went overboard. I should have just tripped you or restrained you or something…I’m sorry.”

Remi’s head relaxes on me.

We remain quiet for a while.

“It was a good hit,” admits Remi. “A part of me is really proud for some reason.”

“But you still want to keep me locked up like a weak little bird, right?” I read my friend’s mind. “For reasons you have largely not explained or kept extremely vague.”

Remi frowns. She sits up.

Cautiously, I hold out my hands to support her, but Remi brushes me off. Slowly, she stands.

“Dizzy?” I ask.

“I’ve had a concussion before. I know what they feel like. This ain’t it. Don’t worry about me,” speaks Remi. She shakes her head before looking at me.

Concerned, I stare back.

Thump!

A fist connects with the side of my head.

Hard.

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I immediately hit the ground, stunned, as everything becomes hazy.

*

I awake on Remi’s lap in the same place I had her before.

Remi gently brushes my hair.

I stare up at her slowly.

She stares back at me.

“That was fair,” I admit without needing to say another word.

Remi nods. “Do I need to check your teeth, too?” she says mockingly.

“No, thank you.”

Like Remi did before, I slowly sit up and then stand. “Well, this was a shit show,” I mutter as I hold out my hand for Remi.

Remi looks at it cautiously.

“I’m done fighting,” I say truthfully. “We should probably use our words now. Unless you want to keep knocking each other out until our brains stop working properly.”

Remi frowns, but she takes my hand as I hoist her up.

“Why are you so worried about me?” I allow my gaze to soften. What little maturity I have over the girl finally surfaces as I think this petty spat through. “Don’t you trust me?”

Those words do it. They’re more effective than any punch.

Remi flinches. Her combative body falters a bit. “I…do. Of course I do.”

“Even after all this shit?” I joke lightly.

Remi pauses for a moment but eventually nods. “Honestly, I’ve felt something like this might happen for a few days now. Alexander was actually betting with Gai the other day that I’d swing first, but Gai retorted that you’re mort hot-heated and that you would.”

“That sounds like them,” I mutter. “Huh…let’s never tell them about this.”

“Agreed.”

Sighing, I shake my head. “Deep down, I know you at least think you’re protecting me. You said as much a few moments ago. Fine. Let’s say I accept that’s your rational. It still doesn’t give me a reason why I should comply. At least do that. Give me a reason why I’m stuck in the castle. The real reason. Your hypothetical the other night wasn’t enough. All the killings you’re talking about…are these girls being attacked surrounded by attendants? Guards? Servants?”

“No.”

“Then if I’m always with Gai, you, Alexander, or Nigel, I should be fine, right? Why go through all this trouble? Why the did we have to beat each other up like bratty little children?”

Remi bites her lip. “Because…it’s more complicated than that.”

“Then let me help. I may be some closeted little rich girl, but I’m more capable than probably most of the people here,” I gloat with sass. “My track record for the past few months speaks for itself.”

“Sorry about that by the way. Those…comments.”

“You mean the emotional manipulation? Please. Astria did it better.”

Remi laughs darkly at that comment. “I bet she did. Shit, that was scummy of me. I felt bad while I was doing it.”

“Oh, it was. But I’m over it,” I say truthfully. “Let me do something, please.”

“Would a bird let its newly hatched chicks hunt a cat?”

“That’s a stupid analogy. You’re using it to deflect from telling me anything important. Besides, I kicked your ass. If I’m a baby bird, then have you not hatched yet? Or am I a bird as well? That’s probably the answer, no? Then I am more than qualified to help,” I retort. My eyes narrow. “Talk to me, Remi. We’re friends. Stop treating me like some brat you need to protect. The whole reason I decided to pick up a sword was because of what Captain Van Gallan said the day you got your Divine Treats. That you three were only there to ensure that I survived in a worst-case scenario. Your lives were mine. Your purposes were to sacrifice yourselves for me whenever needed.”

“That’s our duty,” simply replies my friend.

I inch closer to her, my eyes unblinking. “I detest that. I refuse your compassion. It may be your goal, but I don’t accept it. I won’t let you burden my life with the possibility of your deaths. I’m not so weak that I’d want such a thing.”

Remi senses my conviction. It astonishes her, so much so that she takes a step back from me. She stares at me as if looking at a person she’s never seen before. A stranger. A ghost. An adult, at the very least.

“After all,” I soften my face again. A smile sticks to my lips. It’s sweet. Genuine. “you’re my friend, and I love you.”

I know full well that I’m emotionally manipulating her now instead of the other way around, but it’s not like I’m lying either. We may have fought, but if neither of us loved each other, we never would have. It’s an odd contradiction. Morally, I feel fine. Besides, she started it.

Remi’s eyes seem to glimmer. She closes them, her head tilting downward for a moment. She then looks back up at me. Her features scrunch in distress. “Why did you have to go and say that?”

“Because I mean it.”

“Ugh, now I can’t take a commanding tone.” Remi frowns. She looks down at her shoes. “Shit. I hate when you’re reasonable like this. It makes me feel like I’m talking to an elder. I preferred it when we were punching each other. That was easier.”

“Remi.” I grab her by the shoulders. “Talk to me. Why do you want me to stay here? There’s something else I’m not being told. It’s obvious.”

Remi blinks. “How can I refuse you after all that passion? And I guess you did win for once.” She relaxes a minute into her joke. Her hand rests against my left elbow. Her gaze adverts away. “Two reason. The first is because…the killer may be someone from the castle.”

My face hardens. “What makes you think that?” I release Remi.

Remi’s face grows serious as well. She’s resolved to finally talk to me. “Because he’s too good at alluding our troops. We’ve deployed soldiers from Captain Van Gallan’s unit, my own, and shadow agents from other towns to assist. None of it’s mattered. Every time, this damned monster slips between our gaps, kidnaps a girl, disappears with her for a few days, then her body shows up floating in the canals of Water’s Bastion. It’s like a morbid display trying to attract the widest audience. We were lucky to keep things contained for as long as we did.” Remi shudders. “To keep doing what he’s doing, the killer would have to know our troop deployments.”

“Hmm.” I walk away from Remi. I sit on a bench overlooking the garden. “Even if the person worked in the castle, it doesn’t mean they’ll try to kill me. Everyone’s been taken from the city, killed, then presented gruesomely for all to see. Grabbing me from here doesn’t fit the killer’s current pattern, so what’s the second reason for my restrictions?”

“Ah. Yes. That.” Remi’s voice is weak. “Um…the last four girls killed all had red hair.” She pauses. “No. Let me reiterate. They were made to have red hair.”

My jaw clenches.

“What else could that mean?” suggests Remi. She gazes at me. “You’re the most famous red-haired woman around that age in this area. It’s directed at you, wouldn’t you think?”

I…can’t disagree with that.

“To summarize, the killer exclusively goes after women in Water’s Bastion, there’s no pattern between them, they’re taken then killed in a similar manner, and then presented floating in the canals?”

“Yes,” confirms Remi.

“With their hair dyed red after the fact?”

“…yes.”

“And you think it’s someone from the castle because they must know the troop deployments?”

“That is the conclusion reached by those leading the investigation.”

“Just knowing troop deployments isn’t really enough to confirm the guy’s a worker in the castle. What are the odds that they were able to get their hands on a stolen Divine Treat that simply granted them abilities that make stealth and kidnappings exceedingly easy?”

Like flight. Or getting rid of sound. Causing memory loss. Or shrinking bodies. Or turning invisi—

I shake my head, putting that one random conclusion into the very back of my mind for the moment.

“There are Divine Treats for sale outside of the government for those who know how to get their hands on them, true,” admits Remi. Her face distorts with uncertainty. “I suppose we didn’t rule that factor out.”

“Who came up with the idea that it had to be someone from the castle then?” I ponder.

“Hmm…from the evidence, it just seems like the most obvious conclusion. I can’t really explain why without going through hours worth of research, maps, reports, and papers with you. Van Gallan and Talbert ultimately agreed, so I think that’s the right thought process for now.”

That seems…odd?

“Then I’ll accept that for now given that I don’t have all the facts.” I pause. “Then if I had to guess…if I’m under house arrest, not only does it deter the killer from picking me off in the city, but if he tries to make a move here, you’ll be able to respond quickly. Is that your basis for my restriction?”

“There are more eyes on you here than would be in the city, yes. It’s safer for now.”

Uh huh.

I kind of feel like there’s something weird about this. Not like Remi’s keeping something from me, but that there’s a piece of the puzzle neither her nor the team have or simply haven’t considered.

It’s a weird feeling.

Like an itch in my head I can’t scratch.

Dammit.

At least I know the full truth now. A psycho who may or may not be an employee of the castle is killing girls and has apparently started dying their hair to look red like mine. That’s the conclusion that’s been drawn, or course, but it could be for another reason. Unlikely, though.

“Telling me all this much, much sooner could have prevented this bitchy fighting. You know that, right?”

“I did.”

“Was it worth it?”

“No.”

“Good.”

“Why are you scolding me?”

“Because I’m mentally more mature,” I say truthfully.

Remi scoffs. “Sure you are. That’s why you almost broke my jaw.”

“Please, that wasn’t enough to break your jaw. I didn’t even use my light cloak. You had your gifts strengthening you. I wasn’t worried.”

“Funny. That’s the same logic I used when I knocked you out, too.”

I frown.

Remi frowns back.

We sit together in silence for a moment.

Awkward…

“You want to hug it out?” I joke to ease the tension.

Remi is shocked by my words. “Hug it out?”

“I thought a joke might make things better. We’ve never had these weird vibes between us, and I don’t really like it.”

“Hmm. That would make me feel better now that you mention it.” Remi outstretches her arms. “Come here.”

I frown. “No. I was kidding.”

Remi cocks her head to the side. A devious look takes over her facial features. “You really hate it when people touch you, don’t you?”

“Very much so, yes,” I reply quickly. “And I’ve been hiding it so well.”

“Too bad. The fun is over.” Remi falls forward, wrapping her arms around my body. “You’ve already slept in my laps, so what’s the harm?” She nuzzles her head into my neck. “Mhmmm! Warm!”

“Stop teasing me! Gai does it enough!”

“I can see why. It’s fun!”

“So?!”

Remi laughs. Then she grows quiet.

Still, we hug.

“I’m sorry,” Remi says. “Let me be a little selfish for a while, okay? Please, do what I say. At least for now. Please? I can’t think straight thinking you might be in danger.”

“Then you admit my confinement is also totally selfish?”

“No. Everyone agreed to it. Me. Your father. Master Talbert. It’s for the best. Trust in us. Please.”

My eyelids droop slightly as I take in the tone of her voice. It’s regretful, but there’s still determination underneath it. Even after our issues this week, even with the fight we just had, and the words we exchanged, she still wants to do things her way.

But I know why now. That’s something. We’re better than before.

“Okay,” I eventually relent.

Remi’s grip on me hardens the instant I say those words. “Thank you. I promise we’ll get this settled as quickly as possible.”

“You’d better. You owe me a round, by the way. And I’m breaking the wall again as soon as I can.”

“That’s the least I could do.” Remi pulls back from me. To my surprise, it appears that she’s on the verge of crying. “And sure, I’ll help.”

Was I really putting her in that much distress?

Great.

Now I feel like a bigger asshole than before.

“I’m suddenly exhausted,” I realize. “Reading and bed sound like a great combination. Maybe Gai will be there. I’ll tease the hell out of him. That always makes me happy.”

Remi and I stand. We stroll through the courtyards as we head back inside Castle Grey.

“You tease him?”

“You know…” I make an odd gesture. “Tease him.”

“After that speech I overheard in your room, you’re still going to tease him?”

“You weren’t supposed to hear that, so don’t bring it up.”

“But I did.” Remi falters a bit. “That’s how you feel, huh?”

I hesitate, thinking up a lie, until relenting the truth. “Sadly.”

“Is that why you…hate your body?”

My face freezes. “Is that what it seems like?”

“Kind of,” whispers Remi. “You exercise all the time, eat right, and dress well. Even so, you’ve always acted like you’re keeping yourself at bay. Like you feel like you’re an intruder in your own skin. It…always worried me.”

Is that what I seem like to other people?

“I can’t explain it,” I reply just as softly as Remi. We enter the castle. The air immediately cools me. “If I had to give you an answer…it feels like I’m borrowing this body.” I pinch at my cheek, pulling the skin.

“And that’s why you can’t get intimate with anyone?”

“That’s not true. There’s Fana. And almost Gai once.”

“Fana was one time, you were drunk, and you’ve kept her at a distance ever since. And I overheard the situation with Gai. It wasn’t…normal,” Remi rebuts my information. “I don’t even know if you have a preference anymore. I thought you were…I don’t know what I thought. After seeing you interact with Christopher and Gai, I thought you might figure it out soon. Now I know it’s a little deeper than that.”

“That it is.”

We walk together. The only noise heard from either of us are our footsteps on stone. We’re usually so talkative with one another, but we rarely discuss anything real. I never ask about others. I went through nearly a decade of friendship before learning intimate details of all my friends. Shit, just today I learned something new about the man who’s been training me with a sword since I was five.

I’m bad at getting close to people.

It’s my fault.

I want to be better.

I know how to be better.

I…can’t do it.

And I don’t know why.

But…I should try…something…

“How do I learn to love myself?”

Remi freezes.

I bite the inside of my cheek, my own words causing me distress.

“By finding out why you hate yourself,” Remi eventually says.

“Ah,” I mutter. “Easy. I’m not supposed to be happy, I think. My purpose is to make others happy. Otherwise, I’d be selfish. I already feel selfish. I don’t like it. I’d like to change, but I have no reason to see why…to see why I…matter enough to do so.”

That hurt to say out loud.

I wouldn’t have been able to say this or even think it a few months ago.

Remi’s hand grabs my wrist. She stops walking, holding me still. I’m forced to do the same.

“You matter because people would be sad if you were sad. If you were to disappear tomorrow, it’d break my heart. Alexander wouldn’t smile again. Nigel would become a depressed prick. Gai would probably burn down the nearest city out of spite.” Remi’s voice picks up in pitch as emotions hit her. “I’d never get over it.” Her eyes moisten. “And that’s just us. As shitty as you might think your parents are, they’d be unhappy if you died. There’d be days of mourning in the city. You mean so much to the town. You’ve done so much. You’ve touched so many lives. I don’t know why you don’t think you matter, but you do. You. Do. People love you. That should be enough to realize you can at least try to love yourself.”

It’s like…she already knew this about me…or suspected it…to be able to belt something like that out so quickly…

She’s probably been dwelling on it since she overheard my talk with Gai.

And kept it in. Thought about it. And waited. Waited for me to speak. To help me.

My face begins to tingle.

Unwanted tears spring from my eyes against my will.

I hastily wipe them away with the back of my sleeve.

“Embarrassing…” I snort.

But…I needed to hear that…

For a long time now…

This time, I initiate, hugging Remi close to me.

Remi’s surprised. I can feel it in her body. But she hugs me back. Her hands are gentle, her skin warm.

“I didn’t expect today to be so emotional,” I tease Remi. My voice cracks slightly.

“It’s your fault.”

“I know, I know.” I pull away. “Thank you. I…I can’t…fix myself right away. I don’t think I can flip a switch immediately and be happy.” I close my eyes, gathering my strength. They open back up. “Things have gotten better. I know what I want to do with this life, but…I struggle sometimes to think I deserve to be happy. Even when I was a kid before this arranged marriage shit, I’d sometimes suddenly see my reflection in water or a mirror, stop, and just…stare at myself. At my eyes. Wondering…do I deserve this?” My hand grips at my heart. “In the end, I’d keep telling myself I should try. Giving up isn’t an option.”

Not again.

But it’s so hard…

In this life, the last, or the next, my problems and my feelings about myself may never go away. Just because my life started again doesn’t mean I’m better. My issues are still my own regardless of the reality. Even if I were born as the ultimate hero able to conquer any obstacle placed before me, I’d still only be me.

And I am…

I am…

I…

“Thank you,” I mutter again. “I think…I need to think…alone.”

“And you should,” Remi allows me. She dries her own tears. “Get some rest. Read. Relax. If you ever need me, I’ll be there. You know that, right?”

“Yes, I do.”

“You’re a good person. Stop being so hard on yourself.” Remi pats my shoulder. “And thank you for agreeing to my selfish request. It sets my mind at ease.”

I smile.

Remi embraces me a third and final time before departing.

My brightened face darkens.

I’m alone again.

Slowly, I walk through the hallways of the castle.

My footsteps rattle around me. Echoing. Talking to me.

I allow my mind to go blank as I force my emotions down.

Further.

Further.

Further!

I breathe a sigh of relief as I soon feel nothing.

“That’s better,” I say as I try to focus on something else. Anything else.

Death.

It’s always death.

My death. In this life. It’s potential. A killer.

Focus on that, Scarlet. Push everything else away.

I’m being used as bait in tandem with an allowed sacrifice all because someone wants to kill me. What I did to earn this person’s ire, I’m not sure. Serial killers never make sense. For all I know, he had a sister, mother, or lover that resembled me in some form, and, by replicating some aspect of their death upon similar people, he earns some clarity.

It’s not an excuse. That only makes the killer pathetic.

Like I told Remi, I can’t let people die for me. The next person killed is essentially dying so that I’ll survive. I could be used as actual bait to lure out the killer if he wants me, but no one would allow that. I’m too heavily surveilled to make any moves on my own to prevent that.

Like that’s going to stop me.

First things first: intel. I need to gather information about this killer. I’m not letting another person get killed.

Sorry, Remi. Thanks for your help today, but I never said I’d abide by your plan. Not directly. All I said was ‘Okay.’ That could mean anything.

If I can stop this person from killing another, I’ll be at peace in some regard. It’ll give validation to my hard work, to the trials I’ve undergone.

My feelings of hatred toward myself resurface as I inevitably return to the crux of my issues. Sacrifice. A neglect of myself for the salvation of others. It’s what I want to do, but can I achieve it?

I want to.

I need to.

I’ll feel whole again if I do.

Maybe everything will feel better.

Mind, body, soul…

If I can be a savior of some sort…useful…will I love myself? Will I be worthy of that feeling? That desire? That hope?

“I wish I could be free of this all,” I mutter absently as those emotions dispel into an empty darkness in my heart.

Will any of that matter?

What would a hero do?

I clench my jaw as I focus on that one question. It resonates in my mind, driving me forward.

The past three months with Gai were the pre-requisite for this trial. I know this now. Gai is part of the team keeping me under house arrest, so I’ll be alone in this endeavor. That’s fine. A hero makes do in hard circumstances.

If I can’t love myself, then I need to create a person I can love.

That person does not allow innocent people to die, not for my sake. Not when there’s something I could do about it.

Whatever the people here are missing, whatever intel is being leaked, whoever is killing these women…I’m their worst enemy now.

Bring it on, asshole.

I wipe away the corners of my eyes and clear my throat. “Okay then.” Lightly, I slap my face. “Calm, calm. Forget it all,” I mutter. “Focus away from yourself and onto the task at hand.”