I stare miserably into my pond. My feet lazily splash within the water as I try to convalesce my thoughts into something tangible.

“At least this isn’t the worst I’ve ever felt,” I say in an attempt to cheer myself up. It doesn’t work, but it was worth a shot.

Pouting, I kick my foot out. Water splashes about. I frown, staring at my reflection. Emerald eyes. Red hair.

“I’m wasting my second chance,” I confirm Astria’s words with my own mouth. “Why can’t I change? Why do I keep making excuses and doing nothing?”

Astria was right. She dove deep into my heart, pulled out my inner soul, and exposed it before my own eyes.

It’s like before. I’m still compliant. I do whatever is told of me with little feedback. Scott always told me to stand up for myself. I never did. I still don’t. I’m better, but I’m not where I should be. It took only one look from an authority figure, and I agreed to this reality. My father wanted me to marry. I’m marrying. My bosses and co-workers wanted me to do their work for them, I did their work. My mom wanted me to be a lawyer, I became a lawyer.

I always ignore what’s happening to me by thinking “I’m helping” or “There’s no other way” or “Not right now.” Heh, stupid. There’s always another way. Astria’s right. I’m too much of a coward to follow through on my convictions. It’s why I’m always contradicting myself. I don’t know what I want.

There are many opportunities I could have taken to change my fate, and I never grasped them.

I stand for nothing

I have never done anything that matters because I wanted to do so.

It was all forced upon me.

But if it wasn’t, where would I be?

Would I be able to take the steps needed to find my purpose? My happiness? My dream?

How can I help others if I can’t even help myself?

Why do I even want to be a hero? When did that start? Do I genuinely want to help people, or do I only want to be a hero because it is hyper-idealistic? Who wouldn’t want to be a hero? Wouldn’t that be better than living a normal life in a soul-sucking reality? Everyone loves you. Your job has a fundamental purpose in society.

Ah.

I thought I was more special than I actually am.

My expectations never meet reality, even in this one.

I’m not even the only reincarnation in this reality. Given the threat Astria gave me, I may never meet another one. Even that bombshell was essentially ruined. My perceptions of what the Voiced are and what they do for this world have changed drastically, yet I’m focused on my own life instead. I don’t really care about the larger picture. How could I when my own small world confuses me?

I really am pathetic.

“What’s the point of this life?” I mutter. “I had eighteen years to do better, and all I’ve done is fuck up again.”

I could have handled this in a million different ways.

I could have fled. Stolen money at sixteen after my first failed marriage arrangement, chartered my way to another country or continent and started over again from scratch.

I could have made new friends even though I’d be leaving three good ones behind. I have the skills. I have the knowledge. It would be easy. Even if it meant fighting to maintain my free will, I was already willing to do that for others. It’s why I trained. So why not fight for me, too?

All I had to do was take the leap. From there, I could become an adventurer, a vigilante, a mercenary, a medic, relief worker.

Anything!

Anything at all!

Yet I’ve done nothing!

Nothing!

I can still do all those things.

“Will that make me happy?” I ponder. “Wasn’t I happy before? The marriage has been my only real struggle, and now that’s essentially handled. But what’s next? What’s realistically next, you fuck?” I curse at myself. “What the fuck do you want out of life?!”

I hate authority, yet all I do is bow before it. I want to make my own decisions, but I relish in being a follower. I’ve even made myself content in this forced marriage. Honestly, if I were stuck with Gai for the next few years, it’d probably be fine. He’s calmed down a lot since I first met him and I can manipulate him easier than I thought I could. Gai might not say he considers me a “friend,” but he does and I mostly feel that way about him.

But I have no guarantees about our relationship.

It’s all speculative.

Even if our marriage “plan” comes to fruition, I don’t know what I want to do in this life. Is traveling enough? Is helping people enough? What is my purpose? What do I want out of this life? Truly?

What do I want to do?

What does it mean to be a hero?

Who am I?

Felix?

Scarlet?

Or...someone else?

If I can’t answer those questions, then will I—

“You sad, sad bitch,” a voice alerts me.

Looking up, I watch Remi walk over to me. She’s not dressed like a soldier today. A light, sleeveless top with long pants rolled up just below her knees adorns her frame. Sandals secure her feet. She kicks them off before sitting next to me in the water.

It’s been a few hours since I saw the Voiced. I haven’t seen anyone yet besides Gai.

“I’m sorry. Did you talk to Gai?” My tone is wary.

“Yeah.” Remi stares daggers into the side of my face. “You’re an idiot, by the way.”

“I—”

Remi slaps me.

The sting shocks my senses.

No sooner does she hit me that her arms wrap around my shoulders. “That was a foolish thing you did.” Her voice cakes over with emotions. “But I’m glad you’re safe.”

“We all are,” Nigel’s voice sounds off behind me. He wears a black linen shirt and white pants.

“Idiot,” mutters Alexander in addition to Remi. A long-sleeved shirt adorns his top half. He wears denim pants with the legs cut off right around his mid-calf.

“I’m sorry, everyone,” I mutter as Remi releases me from her hug. “I only wanted to see the Voiced. I didn’t think she’d know who I was.”

“Did she?” asks Nigel.

“Her name is Astria. The way she spoke…she was here at the castle before we even knew she arrived. She knew Gai. She knew me. It was terrifying.”

The three are quiet.

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Nigel suddenly murmurs. He pauses. “Wait, you learned her name? I tried so hard to get that information. She kept verbally abusing me every time I talked to her. That woman was an absolute terror.”

“It’s weird to see you like this,” notes Alexander to Nigel.

“That woman was horrible,” Nigel reiterates. “I hope I never meet her again. The pressure she gave off was staggering. I’m glad she left.”

“She did leave?” I speak up.

Nigel nods. “This morning. Her companions went with her. We followed her some distance until she hit the next territory. I had a guard run on ahead and warn the other providences of her trajectory.”

This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

“Good riddance,” says Alexander. “Though she was the hottest woman I’ve ever seen.”

“That she was,” I agree.

Nigel seemingly grunts in acceptance.

“Everything about her was intimidating,” adds Remi. “I bet we could have thrown all our forces at her and still not survived.”

Nigel shudders. “I felt the same way.”

“We’re lucky no one got hurt,” mutters Alexander.

All three of my friends stare vacantly up into the sky.

I blink back at them.

“What you did was childish,” Nigel suddenly says. Blame splashes onto me.

“Idiot,” grunts Alexander a second time.

Remi lightly chops me between the eyes. “Dummy.”

“Ow,” I feign. My head pulls away from them. “I’m sorry. Gai is a poor influence on me.”

“Liar. He said it was your idea,” says Alexander. “And you already admitted as much.”

“Traitor,” I mutter.

“Sounds like you’re the traitor.”

“Okay, yeah, it was all my idea. I wanted to see the Voiced.”

“Yes, I saw,” says Nigel. “Damn near had a heart attack.”

“You could tell it was me?” I say, surprised.

“We’ve been friends for years. A little hood isn’t going to be enough to hide your likeness from me,” Nigel answers. “There was nothing I could do to get her away from you besides obtaining the weak promise that she wouldn’t hurt you. I was so damn worried. You have no idea.”

“I saw it from the roof,” reflects Remi. “I was very close to hitting that girl in the head with a knife,” she admits. “But if it didn’t kill her, things could have turned ugly. I tailed you and Gai the entire way to the tavern. When the Voiced left, I checked inside, saw you and him were safe, and continued to tail them around town.”

“I didn’t notice a thing,” I recall. “You’re good.”

“The best.”

“Cocky,” I scowl.

Remi shrugs. “It’s well earned.” Her eyes stare into me. “Tell us what she’s like.”

“Why?”

“There’s an excellent possibility that she could come back,” Nigel discloses. “It helps to be prepared. Tell us everything you spoke about. Gai told us she threatened to kill you unless you talked with her. That true?”

“Yes,” I say. “It was all bizarre. All she wanted was an informational exchange.”

“Why did she target you specifically? Did you learn why?” Alexander asks for the group.

Astria’s threats enter my mind. Even if she had not done so, it’s not like I can tell them the truth. Gai didn’t hear what was said between me and Astria. There’s even more reason to keep my past a secret than there ever was before.

In pieces, I lie, relaying that Astria wanted information about agriculture, local policies, my marriage, and other random items that someone from Brosnock might be curious about. I leave out everything else with their safety and mine in mind.

“Doesn’t seem like a lot,” mewls Alexander. “Can’t really blame you given the circumstances. It sounds like she was just confirming what she already knew, so don’t blame yourself.”

“And we learned at least some information about a Voiced,” Remi intercedes. She stares over at Alexander. “Seems like our friend’s idiotic risk bore minor fruit. None of us could have ever gotten this kind of info, and you didn’t really reveal anything important.”

“You get a pass for now,” Nigel agrees. “We’ll keep the little incident between the three of us and report that we learned this independently from following her.”

“What? Were you going to tell my daddy on me?” I mock.

“Probably, yeah. Then he would have ordered us to keep you on a tighter leash after a dumb ass stunt like that,” divulges Remi with narrowed eyes.

“Oh.”

“What’s your overall impression of Astria?” Remi abruptly questions me. “That’d probably be my last question.”

“Hmm.” I pause. “She wore intricate clothing that very much showed off her figure and sex appeal. Probably by choice. Personality-wise, she’s carefree. Overpowering. In private, she’s a little more jovial if I had to use a word. Underneath all of that, she’s terrifying. She embodies a powerful freedom so strong it overwhelms the senses. I…envy her a little.”

My friends stare at me.

“She saw right through me.” I stifle a pathetic laugh. “How I’m a coward. How I’m basically a hypocrite. Spineless.”

“Sounds like a bitch. Who cares what she thinks?” mocks Alexander.

“But she was right. It doesn’t matter if she’s a bitch or not if the information she gave was correct.”

Silence.

“What happened?” asks Remi.

“She asked me what my dream was. I told her. She said that I was a coward. That I shame my own dreams by having them.”

“Harsh,” Remi reflects. She pauses. “How do you expect to change that?”

I frown. I can’t get myself to say a single word.

Remi continues to stare at me. Nigel and Alexander do not speak.

I slump my shoulders. “Guess it’s just the kind of person I am. Compliant and pathetic. I can’t even justify my existence. What does it matter?”

Remi puts her arm over my shoulder. “It’s never too late to change. Perhaps you’re overthinking things?”

“Probably a little, but not entirely,” I reply blandly.

If I couldn’t fix everything in two lifetimes, I doubt I ever can.

“Then what do you want to do?” Remi asks me.

I glance over at Remi. “I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do. Tell me. What is your dream? What does Scarlet Embers want to do with her life?”

For a moment, I do not speak. I find my voice after many uncomfortable moments staring into the water.

“My dream was to be a hero,” I reply sheepishly. “I’m not even sure what that means. It’s childishly idealistic, isn’t it?” I pause. “At the very least, I know I want to help people. I think I’ll find some sort of fulfillment in that. I’ve believed in that for so long, yet I’ve done nothing to further that dream. Astria was right. I’m pampered. I’m wasting my life. Pathetic,” I murmur, nearly spitting that last word out.

“Is that why you wanted to learn how to use a sword? Ate a Divine Treat? Trained so much? To fight for others? To help them?” asks Remi.

“…yeah,” I admit. “I think so. What good has that done? I haven’t helped anybody. I play the role of loving daughter as I waste away in a place I don’t wish to be, yet still remain. All I want is to help...anyone.”

“Then let’s do that,” Remi says firmly. “There are opportunities for someone like you at the castle and the surrounding towns. You don’t have to leave to find fulfillment when the opportunity is available right here. There’s no sense in someone like you being wasted. It’s always fucking bothered me, so let’s do something about it now that you’re willing.”

“How?” I look up quickly.

“You can help me with my job.”

“No. That’s too dangerous,” Nigel interferes immediately. “Her father has been very clear for years. Scarlet is forbidden from military service in any capacity and that ban hasn’t been lifted even with her engagement. It’s dangerous. I want to help her too, but there’s got to be another way that’s less risky for everyone.”

“Forbidden?” I question.

Nigel flinches. “It is a well-known non-secret that the baron does not want you participating in anything involving the armed forces. The going sentiment is that your obligations as his daughter come first and that nothing should attempt to distract that.”

“Not surprising since I already knew that.” My eyes droop. I turn to Remi. “See? I’m stuck.”

“Not if we’re discrete about it,” Remi surmises.

“You could get discharged. Imprisoned,” Nigel’s voice darkens.

“Scarlet’s our friend. She’s hurting. We can change that. Don’t you think that’s worth the risk?” Remi spits back. “I can protect her, keep her hidden from suspicion. She’s strong. We all know that. She won’t hold me back. I’m willing to take the risk. All you have to do is not get in our way.”

Nigel scowls. He says nothing, though. Alexander does not intervene in the conversation.

Remi turns back to me. “What do you say? We can’t do it all the time, but you can come patrol with me. I’d like to think I help people, but you can be the judge of that. Maybe it’ll make you feel better? Worst case scenario, I can say I was hanging out with you and we both got caught up in an incident. There’re ways around this if we try, so are you willing to explore whoever it is you want to be?”

I gape at my friend. A flash of hope warms my heart. “Are you sure?”

“Yes. Nigel and Alexander won’t say shit,” she warns them more than affirms my fears. “We can do it later this week. Sound good?”

“Yes,” I react immediately.

Nigel sighs.

Alexander coughs. “We’re in it now, aren’t we?”

“Shut up,” growls Remi.

“Yes, ma’am,” Nigel and Alexander affirm sadly.

“I have ground rules,” Remi begins.

“Okay.” I nod. My personality is starting to return to me. “Lay em on me.”

“One, I will supply you with clothing. You shall wear them,” Remi begins. “Two, you can only use one sword. Your two sword style is too well known. Still, you’re better than most people with one, so you’ll be fine. Three, stick to one ability when you’re in front of my people if you have to use your gifts. Either light or dark gifts. Not both. Once you use one, you stick with it. You’re the only Dyad in this entire country.”

“That all seems fair.”

“And we’re going to have to try to hide your hair,” Remi assesses while looking up at my red locks. “It is too recognizable.”

“I understand.”

“Then we are good to go,” Remi says. She turns to Nigel and Alexander. “Any complaints?”

“Not one,” Alexander replies immediately.

“No,” Nigel begrudgingly follows Alexander’s lead.

Remi claps her hands together. “Wonderful!”

Unprovoked, I smile.

The hole in my heart is still there, but maybe this will heal it. Maybe I’ll find the answers I seek. To find my future. To learn what I truly desire in life and possibly how to obtain it.

I really hope so.