“Those clothes look great on you,” mentions Gai.

“I know,” I reply sassily.

Gai laughs. “You’re in rare form.”

“I’m excited. Shut up.” I grin. “You know me. I love fighting. It’s annoyed me to no end that all my talent was focused around getting married to some asshole.” I gesture sarcastically at Gai. “Getting to fight for a real reason now? It’s amazing, so try not to make fun of me too much.”

“No promises. Do you like the modifications I made to your outfit?”

“The ones that make me look like a whorish gothic pixie?” I complain, eliciting a confused glance from Gai at my description. “Yes, I love them. Just my style,” I say sarcastically.

“Glad to hear it.”

The “modifications,” as Gai likes to call them, show considerably more skin. The all-black attire is still a prevalent fixture from what Remi gave me, however, this outfit is more on the sleazy side. Remi took back all her clothes; otherwise, I’d be wearing them.

Essentially, I’m wearing a dress. I protested when Gai gave it to me, but he got really serious and told me to try it on.

And so I did.

In the end, begrudgingly, I will admit…it’s comfortable and easy to move in. Plus, the accessories hide my body to the extent that I don't look like a total slut.

The material is black and skin-tight. It covers me up to the neck, though there is a slit in the chest area. It doesn’t expose me, but the fabric there is a see-through sort of veil-like material, kind of like a fishnet. The dress hugs me until it dips below my waist. The skirt of it goes down to my knees, but the sides are open near my hips, exposing my legs and the sides of my waist. The bottom underneath it is structured like a gymnastic unitard, otherwise, I’d be flashing my box at people every time I moved. I feel naked, but Gai, knowing I’d protest just the outfit, supplied me with a few other items.

Black stockings that match the dress ride up well past my knees. They’re paired with some dark boots that settle a bit above my ankles. A large sash cinches around my waist. It both hides a bit of my thighs and allows me to secure my swords to my person. A short hooded shawl, also black, sits upon my shoulders. It has a shredded look to it. Everything considered, the accessories cover me up while only providing glimpses of my bare body underneath.

“Why did you pick this out?” I ask Gai with a dead expression.

“Hiring beautiful women to get info out of drunk guys is common practice. Heh, it is for me since it works so damn well. You’ll save me some pocket change with that outfit, especially if you remove the shawl. Plus, the material’s thin and easy to move in. I thought you’d like that,” Gai explains with ease.

“Great. Pretty sure I’m not going to do any of that, but at least you have a reason,” I react. “More than I thought you would. The clothes are comfortable, I’ll give you that. It’s kind of like I’m wearing nothing.” I stretch my legs out until I’m in a full split. “The material is very flexible. It doesn’t hinder my speed. Fine, I concede. Good choice. It works better for my combat style than armor does. You get a pass.” I rise back to a standing position with relative ease.

“You can do a split?” Gai shudders. His eyes seem to glaze over. “Damn, you’re making it harder and harder to sleep next to you doing nothing.”

“Wait, how did you know my size?” I suddenly realize. “The fit is perfect.”

“I have an eye for these things.”

I cover my chest up with my arms. “I feel like I should be more scared of you.”

“Maybe,” he jokes. “Nah, you’re fine.” Gai waves me off. “Hey, just kind of follow my lead tonight, alright? Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. It’s not that hard a job, to be honest. Idiots do it all the time.”

That’s true. I’ve met bounty hunters in a past life. They’d capture some of my delinquent clients when they tried to skip bail. Loved dealing with them. They were “refreshing.” I bet if I looked like I do now instead of what I did in my past life, I could have added “sexual harassment” to my list of traumas based on the type of person in that profession. Now I have Gai to fill in that gap for me, sadly.

Mercenaries and vigilantes are in the same vein as bounty hunters, but they weren’t really professions on Earth. Well, not where I lived. There were probably mercenaries in third-world countries. Any vigilantes were caught quickly by cops in a world full of modern technology.

Here? There’s a uniform government, but it’s not that powerful. They can’t “big brother” everyone, as they lack the tech. It’s why barons exist and have so much power. They serve underneath the King’s government over sections of localized territory to administer the monarchy’s policies.

However, even with the local connections and smaller territory, a baron’s fiefdom still has to deal with slow communications. There are no modern medical miracles beyond Admix Healers. Autopsies are barbaric. DNA isn’t recognized as a “fact.” Lawlessness, even within the order, is the way of the lands.

It’s why I’m not afraid to be out with Gai acting as a “hero” outside the law. If no one physically catches us or recognizes us, anything we do will remain secret. Even if they could, I’d use my lawyering skills to get out of it. I’m still an asshole in that regard, and those negotiation techniques and Socratic questioning are likely even more powerful in this reality than in my past life.

Ahhh, this is all exciting. My heart is racing. I can’t help but smile. I was fucking skipping this morning. Skipping! I haven’t been this happy in all the nearly fifty years of my conscious existence! Damn, that’s depressing. At least I’m rebounding well! Screw you, Astria! I’ll make you eat your words!

My tongue slides over the top of my lip.

Maybe I should have been a cop in my past life. I needed a more exciting job. A firefighter? I probably would have gone down that route if my mom weren’t pressed for money. Maybe the MMA route if I was better at fighting. I could have gone military, and I thought about it for a while, but money was an issue again. Mom and I lived in utter poverty for most of my life. If I didn’t earn any scholarships, I’d have gone to community college for my undergrad. She engrained that fear into me. As a lawyer, I was comfortable, but I was unhappy. If I could go back in time and talk to a younger Felix, I’d tell him that he needed to ignore his mother and find his own value in the world.

Who am I to talk? I’m still not sure what I want to do with this life. I’ve barely begun to do anything yet. The stress of being in this unappealing limbo is starting to kill my soul.

“You look better than me,” I complain to Gai.

“I know,” says Gai without a second of hesitation. He lifts his arms. “Touch me if you must.”

“No, thank you.”

But he does. Black combat pants tuck into his boots. A long, black, thin hooded jacket adorns his top, stopping in length just before his knees. It obscures his belt and sword sitting at his hip. Over the hoodie, he wears the overcoat he loves so much. The collar is tall. It hides the sides of his face. Gai buttons the top part of the overcoat at his breast but leaves the bottom flap open so that he can easily access his sword and move. Only a little bit of his dress shirt, vest, and loose tie can be seen underneath the clothing.

“The offer’s always open,” jokes Gai. “Heh, let’s go take a walk.”

“A walk?”

“A walk with intention. Did Remi take you through the city when you were doing your cute little patrol?”

“She did.”

“You learn lots of good shit just from wandering and eavesdropping. Remi probably didn’t have you listen in on guards though, right?”

“She did not.”

“Why would she? She assumes they all have the same information, that they know how to discern what is important or not, and that it’s all being reported. Guards gossip, too. They share news and rumors like anyone else. They neglect shit, too. Remi expects accurate reports, but I’ve never had that luxury. Neither does she if she thought about it for a moment,” mutters Gai. “Listening in on guards and agents is an easy way to get tips sooner. Following them around can lead you to crimes. Avoiding them can as well.”

“Avoiding them?” I pause. “Ah, there’d be more crime in areas where there are fewer patrols.”

“Exactly. Say you’ve got to catch a guy on the run. He’s not going to be in some rich place hiding amongst the people. He’ll hide away from all activity.”

I stare at Gai. “Huh.”

“What?”

“You’re actually pretty competent. I thought you were going to waste my time and spend the whole night trying to seduce me. Or perhaps even give up halfway and go drinking. But this?” I motion my hand at him. “This reliability? The way you’re talking like you know what you’re doing? I honestly didn’t expect it.”

Gai’s shoulders slump forward, defeated. “You think very little of me.”

“You’re never serious. It’s not my fault. The one time I’ve seen you give a shit was when the Voiced visited. Even then, you relented to my whims.”

“Because you seduced me.”

I roll my eyes. “Get over it.”

“Never. But feel free to do it again whenever you want. I quite enjoyed it.”

“Says the guy I saw running from a married woman’s home while her husband chased after him.”

“Is that jealousy?” Gai saunters closer. “I thought I had permission?”

“It’s not jealousy. Do what you like. Please. Anything to get out your endless lust. Stick it in a piece of fruit for all I care. Just not me.”

“Still feels like jealousy no matter what you say.” Gai sits down. He crosses his legs over each other. “You know what? I’m pledging right here. No other women. Just you.”

“You don’t have to do that,” I say. My eyes widen. “In fact, please don’t. It’ll kill you. That’s the type of thing you say to soul mates. We are not that.”

“Too late! I’ve made the promise. No one else until you’ve slept with me. It’s my new life motto. It’ll keep things exciting. Hell, it’s the push I need to make you fall for me.”

“All it means is that you’ll tease me even more than you already do!”

Gai bows his head gently. “Maybe so, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. For us.”

“Oh Gods, you’re going to be even worse from now on!”

“Probably. The thought of undressing you and putting your mouth on my—”

“Aaaaaaanyway…” I end the conversation there. “Shall we?” I move over to the edge of the building we’re standing upon.

Gai sighs. “Sure.”

Using my abilities, I land us down on the ground with a dark tendril supporting our descent. We move into the crowds of people within the middle district. I glance about.

“Wait, why are we starting here? Shouldn’t we be on the outskirts where the crime happens? What was the point of that lecture?” I suddenly realize.

“Guards. We’re here to listen to guards. At least for a little while. It’s why I brought it up before. When they’re patrolling areas with more crime or harsher conditions, the gossip isn’t as prevalent. In safer areas, they talk freely. The middle and center rings will give us the best info,” Gai relays.

“Wow. You are smart. Any more surprises out of you and I might faint.”

“My arms will be there to catch you if you do.”

“Well, at least that was kind of sweet. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks. That warms my brittle, broken heart,” scoffs Gai.

The city guards turned up very little of value. Most of the talk was of the thief last night. Apparently, he stole the necklace of a high-valued merchant’s wife. It makes sense why they were chasing after him so hard. They probably wouldn’t have done the same for a stolen apple. Other than that, nothing important is revealed for an entire hour.

“What a bust,” reflects Gai. He places his hands on his side. He dips forward, exasperated. Suddenly, he jolts upright. His finger points forward. “To the bar!”

I slap his chest. “I knew you’d give up!”

“You don’t listen, do you?” Gai narrows his eyes at me. “Do you remember our conversation at the start of the night? Why we got you that new outfit?”

“I refuse to whore myself out for petty information this early on in the night.”

“Wow. And I thought you were determined.”

My face deadens.

•

“I hate this place,” I groan. “Do we have to?”

“It’s where all the scum likes to visit.”

“Then why did you bring me that one time on our shitty first date?”

“I was drunk.”

We arrive at a familiar bar. It’s my third time here. This is where we skipped out on our tab and met Astria.

Gai asks me to take him to the roof. I oblige. We sit there silently. The voices below us are loud. There are plenty of cracks in the ceiling. It’s a little muffled, but not too terribly.

The intel-gathering goes well, but still, nothing actionable. Talks of prior thefts. Petty, but thefts they were. Terrible pick-up lines. Discussions of past lays. Very similar to when I did tours of federal prisons. Great times. No wonder I almost got attacked in this place.

“I’m bored,” Gai quibbles. “You want a drink?” Laying beside me, he peeks in my direction.

“That seems kind of nice right now. I didn’t bring any money, though,” I answer with a lackluster tone.

“What? Not going to reprimand me for wanting to get drunk on the job?”

“Not this time. That ship has sailed. It’s the middle of the night, nothing has happened, and nothing will happen at this rate,” I express evenly. “I got lucky last night, didn’t I?”

“Water’s Bastion is one of the more peaceful places I’ve ever lived,” Gai admits as he begins sliding off the roof. “But even in the most well-kept gardens, weeds will grow. Be patient.”

“All I ever am is patient.”

Gai disappears off the roof. He returns moments later at the side of the building with two mugs of mead. I lift him up with my dark abilities. He hands me a glass. I accept it. We clink them together before drinking.

“Invisibility?” I ask as the foam covers my upper lip.

Gai nods. “Invisibility.” He drains half his glass in one go.

“It’s an impressive gift. Getting out of the castle was super easy.”

“And we’ll sneak back in with no problem either. It’s fun being me.”

“As I said, you’re the worst person in the world to have that kind of power,” I re-inform him.

Gai laughs. “Probably!”

“Stop that guy! He hasn’t paid! Catch him!” a voice shouts.

Why does that sound so familiar?

Gai sits up suddenly. “There you go! Excitement!”

A man comes crashing out of the front door of the bar. He sprints forward into the darkness in a straight line.

“Watch and learn,” says Gai. He stands. Before doing anything, he finishes his mug. Sighing, he wipes the edge of his mouth with his sleeve. His arm cocks back. It lunges forward. The glass flies from his hand. It soars farther and farther.

Crash!

The glass hits the fleeing man right on the top of his head.

A perfect shot.

“Yeesh.” I blink rapidly. “Damn good throw.”

Gai slides off the roof. The man collapses to the ground. He probably has a concussion. Gai drags him back to the bar. There’s cheering when the patrons see him hauling the dasher back. Moments later, Gai re-emerges at the foot of the bar. He beckons for me to come down. I oblige.

“I was praised then kicked out,” Gai tells me. “They said they’re gonna rough him up, then get the guards.”

“Did you pay for the drinks you got us?”

“Not at all.”

“Then how are we better than that guy?”

“We didn’t get caught?”

“Right then. That’s nice,” I blandly reply.

“No need to act so impressed.” Gai puts an arm over my shoulder. “If the need arises, feel free to reign love and adoration upon me. I don’t mind.”

“I already complimented you. Do you need more?”

“Always. Aren't you going to remove my arm? Maybe you’re warming up to me?”

“Gai, I’ve become so numb to your touch at this point I can't even feel it.”

Gai removes the limb of his own volition. “Ouch.”

“There ya go.” I pat his shoulder. “Let’s go somewhere else. This place is a bust.”

“You’re right. Okay. I’ve got another spot in mind.” Gai moves forward. He waves for me to follow.

Well...

This has been very boring.

Still more exciting than sitting in my room alone, though.

Something needs to happen! This has been great and all. Remi and Gai have both done their best to give me an experience of public service in aid of others, but I haven’t done anything. Remi caught the thief last night and stopped the potential murder. All Gai did was knock out a dude running out on his tab. We stole drinks from the bar using Gai’s abilities, so we weren’t much better than him. Even still, I didn’t help.

There’s got to be someone I can save someone, anyone with my own abilities. It’s all I want. I need a taste of it to determine if being a “hero” is my actual purpose.

Being a vigilante should be more fun than this. Granted, it’s only been a few hours on my first day, but still.

We casually move through the city’s residential wing. It is slotted right between the city’s inner and outer rings. The average person tends to work here. Not many poor people. Not a lot of the rich. It’s safe, but crime probably happens here now and again. It’s where we found Gai the other night. He was on the edge of the residential district just before the interior shopping area.

There are more alleys, tight streets, and dead ends. Whoever designed the place did a poor job, and that’s an understatement. Orson Gray, the founder, didn’t consider population size. As the city grew, houses were built between houses creating cramped, jagged homes flooded with too many people. It’s not something that can be fixed. It’s an island, after all. The only way to do so is to build outward. However, people would need to be kicked out of the outer ring to support the gentrification. It’s an issue my father’s been dealing with for a few years now. Not an easy task in the slightest.

If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

Gai’s a little ahead of me. He seems tired. His shoulders are slumped over. He’s been complaining about this “disappointing me,” but I’ve largely ignored him. My eyes wander the alleys looking for something to do.

A low whimper comes from a passage to my right. Gai passes it without a word. I almost do, too. It’s dark. Hard to see. Without that little noise, I’d have kept on walking.

Slowly, I turn. My vision adjusts to the darkness.

The cries come from a woman. Fear drips from her eyes as she stares down her attacker, a man holding a knife. He pushes her against the wall. Her movements are pinned. A blade is to her belly while the man’s free hand is between her legs.

My brain doesn’t immediately comprehend what I’m seeing.

Tremors run up my spine.

My body moves.

Gai continues walking on ahead.

Wordlessly, I walk up behind the attacker. Blinking isn’t even possible at this point. In the darkness, my eyes are likely the only part of me that can be seen. Green orbs filled with fury. Disgust. Anger.

The woman spots me. She looks up, shrieking.

The man assaulting her catches this change. He turns around, gazing down into my eyes. Even though I’m short, him towering over me does not phase me for a second.

I punch him with my left fist on the side of his face. Charged with my light gift, the attack is stronger than usual.

Tiny bones crack in his cheek.

He rises from the ground. A surprised choking noise emits from his throat.

The useless fuck soars a few feet before crashing against the alley wall. He ricochets, hits the other side of the wall, then flops onto the ground. His groaning tells me he’s still alive.

“Go. Now.” I order the girl with a toss of my head. “Turn right at the edge of the alley. Run forward until you see a tall man dressed in black. Tell him his friend is here. Bring him back.”

The woman obliges without much hesitation. She runs away, following my orders completely.

My gaze returns to the scum lying pathetically on the ground. I walk towards him. With my foot, I roll him onto his stomach. Blood drips from his mouth. There’s a puddle on the ground. Some teeth dot the crimson pool white. The side of his face where I hit him sinks in, creating an indent in his skull. I probably shattered the side of his face when I hit him, not that I care.

Weakly, he tries stabbing at me with his blade with movements similar to a windshield wiper. Taking a step back, I easily avoid him.

Dark energy focuses in my core. I release it outward as tendrils. Four of them. They lunge for the man. One clamps onto the man’s wrist. His other wrist. His leg. Then his other leg. Fully restrained, I lift him into the air and pin him to the wall.

I step closer.

The man fills with fear. He’s a grimy fucker. Chubby. Shitty beard. A life not worth living. A life that never bothered to be anything else but pointless.

I have yet to blink. Fury boils my blood. Every second his arms remain attached to his body demonstrates the immense restraint available within me.

“Did you enjoy that? Did you feel strong?” My face edges closer. The man tries to turn away from me, but I follow his eyes. “Sick prick.”

He begins to cry. “I-I’m so lonely! No one’s ever loved me! I want to feel something too!” the scum cries at me. “I want her to be mine! Only mine! She’s mine, mine, mine! I found her!” His words are hard to understand with his ruptured face. They’re gargled and slurred, but still somewhat comprehensive.

“Shut up!” I snap in his face, silencing him. “She’s not yours. Even if you’re lonely, taking someone’s choice away from them isn’t the answer,” I reply in a clear, calm voice. “You probably never tried to change. When the loneliness got too much, when the pain in your heart drove you crazy, this was your answer? To bring someone else into your darkness?”

“SO WHAT?!” the man spits at me. “I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING TOO!”

“I know the feeling. A good person would have killed themselves instead of...this.”

The man flinches. Anger fills his eyes. “What do you know, bitch?!”

I stare at him vacantly. There’s no point in talking anymore.

Gai emerges at the side of the alley. He brings the woman in tow. “Ah shit,” says Gai. He jogs towards me. He looks my victim up and down. “Is this the guy Remi and all them are looking for?”

“Not a chance. They’d have caught this bitch a long time ago if he was.”

“Wanna kill him?”

“No,” I reply immediately.

“Damn shame. I would,” growls Gai. He turns to the lady down the alley. “Love, would you please go fetch a guard? We’ll wait here until you come back.”

The woman still seems nervous, but she obliges. With hurried steps, she disappears again.

“You’re being too nice.”

“I know,” I say. “I don’t have it in me to kill someone.”

“Then let me do it.”

“Gai…”

Gai’s hand grabs at the man’s neck. He begins to squeeze. A twisted smile distorts his features. “I don’t hate a lot of things. I even get why people murder in some circumstances. But this?” His fist smashes forward. It connects with the man’s nose. Blood spurts. The back of his head bucks against the wall. His eyes roll into his head.

I release my gift. The man tumbles to the ground.

Gai shakes his fist. Blood drips from his fingers. “Asshole.” He spits onto his body.

I stare at Gai with surprise.

“Don’t look at me like that.”

I reflexively glance down, embarrassed. “I’m not looking at you like anything.”

“Yes, you are.”

“I guess I’m just impressed, is all. I didn’t think you’d get angry.”

“If really think that, then I really have made a shitty impression on you,” mutters Gai.

“It’s getting better, though.”

Gai says nothing in response to that.

We wait in the alley for the woman to return. When she does, Gai holds onto me. We turn invisible. The woman looks for us, but we aren’t there. Not within eyesight. Two guards are behind her. One picks up the man while the other talks to the lady. They chat for a moment before the woman is escorted away.

“Thank you!” the woman cries openly before disappearing from sight.

Gai undoes his ability. He looks at me. “Are you smiling?”

I touch my face. “Am I? I guess I am.”

“Cute.” Gai laughs. He walks past me. “That was a good thing you did. How did that feel?”

I look at my left fist. The top of it is scraped and bleeding. It hurts a bit, but the wound is already healing. Clenching the hand, I relish in the pain.

“Heroic.”

•

“Stop right there!” a guard shouts after us.

Gai and I laugh as we race through the streets. We weave in between people and stands with relative ease. The guards slowly lose us as their metal armor holds them back.

It’ll be morning soon.

Over the past few hours, we’ve averted an assault, a petty robbery, and stopped two fights before being chased by the guards for “being suspicious.” Don’t get me wrong, we were fleeing a scene with four knocked-out men. It was absolutely suspicious. We could have probably explained our way out, but I’d have to reveal who I am. Then I’d get restricted from doing this again.

What fun would that be?! This is better! Haha!

I jump through a stall headfirst, land on the other end, roll, then continue running. Gai vaults to the side. His hand latches out, grabbing the pillar holding the stand’s sign up. He uses it to control his momentous turn before continuing after me.

“This way!” Gai passes me. He grabs my hand. We cut down a side street, much to my surprise.

“Yeesh!” I fumble. “Better warnings next time!”

“Roof!” Gai points.

We’ve cut the line of sight.

I nod. A tendril wraps around us. Two others surge towards the roof. They latch on, pulling us up quickly.

“That’ll do it,” says Gai. He sits down on the corner of the roof while watching the street.

I do the same.

The guards soon round the corner. They look around a moment before stopping. A few of them ask some stragglers if they saw us. Some say they did, but we disappeared. Others reflect that they didn’t even see us.

“Invisibility?” I question.

“Did it right when we held hands,” Gai confirms. “Looks like it’ll hide your gifts, too.”

“Convenient. I want that now.”

“All you have to do is touch me,” Gai whispers in my ear.

I move my head gently to the side. My temple boops his nose. “Maybe later.”

Gai stares at me, confused.

“I can be nice sometimes.”

“Usually, you reprimand me for those kinds of comments. I almost had a heart attack there when you didn’t. I thought maybe you were hurt,” jokes Gai. “Dying even.”

“I’m on a high right now.” I laugh and stare at my hands. They’re shaking. “This has been amazing. My body feels light. My brain is all fuzzy. I can’t stop smiling. This is the type of stuff I want to do. We helped a woman. We stopped some people from getting robbed. We did it all from the shadows without some stupid system holding us down.” I blink. “Ahhhhhh!” I snap my fingers.

“Something wrong?”

“I had an epiphany. I hate systems of power. I always thought if I could be in control, do things my way, it’d be better for everyone.”

“So you’re a tyrant?”

“Maybe. But not in a bad way. It makes sense. I’ve seen so many people failed by the system…no wonder I felt so hopeless.” I say, referring back to a world Gai has no knowledge of. I turn to him. “Thank you for allowing me to take things into my own hands. I haven’t felt this fulfilled in years. This is it. I want to keep doing this shit for as long as I can. I’ve found my calling. It’s all thanks to you and Remi. I appreciate it.” I offer him an unblinking, sweet gaze. “Thank you. Really.”

Gai stares at me. “If you keep saying stuff like that, I’m going to get embarrassed.” He scratches the back of his head.

I giggle. “That’s all it took to keep you quiet? Compliments?”

Gai makes a ‘hmmm’ noise while adverting his gaze.

My body moves forward. My lips touch the edge of his cheek. I kiss him, pull back, and smile at him.

Why did I do that?

Gai touches his cheek where I kissed him.

“I-I was pulled in by the moment,” I suddenly say. I can feel my face warming up. My hands clasp together as if in prayer. “I’m so—”

Gai grabs my hands. He pushes them down until we’re facing each other fully. I’m stunned into silence. He doesn’t speak either.

My chest suddenly feels heavy. A tiny heartbeat resonates within my thighs. I can feel myself becoming flustered.

Slowly, delicately, Gai leans forward to kiss me.

I hesitate.

Thoughts run wild in my head.

They conflict with each other.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes!

No!

Maybe?

This is weird.

It’s perfectly normal.

You’re a woman.

You’re a man.

Sex is great.

You don’t need it.

You’ve been raised differently.

You can’t forget the past.

You must move on.

You can’t move on.

Accept reality.

Deny everything.

Be yourself.

Deny, deny, deny!

Let yourself be—

Gai kisses me.

The thoughts melt away.

Why do I keep fighting this? I know why. Because I’ve been repressing this. There’s no better word for it. Assuming reincarnation is a normal thing, then the only thing that’s changed in this life is that I’ve retained my memories. Without them, I wouldn’t mind this moment. I’d probably enjoy it. I’d still be Scarlet absent the burden of a failed existence plaguing my mind.

I’ve changed too much to resist this type of thing.

I’m not Felix.

That existence doesn’t have to control me.

Why must I keep fighting how much I’ve changed?

Because I have my old memories? Because I remember a vivid thirty years with a dick between my legs? The urges that came with it? The lifestyle I lived? The friends I had? The people I dated?

None of that matters anymore. I can’t see anyone from my former life. I can’t go back in time. I’ll never not be who I am now. I am Scarlet. I’ve lived as her for eighteen years. Why should I reject this body? My urges? Why should I capitulate on anything I want to do? What’s the point of this life if I hold myself back? As much as I try to reject it, Felix has been gone for a while. Remnants of him linger in my mind, his knowledge, his experiences, but not his person.

Besides, Felix failed. He killed himself.

Scarlet is alive and well. She’s found her purpose. Our purpose. My purpose.

I’m Scarlet.

My memories are but memories.

Because of Felix, I hold myself back so much, and repress things that I want to do, to experience. Felix was never happy. Felix always burdened himself with weakness. Yet Scarlet persists. She wants to experience life as she would if Felix simply never existed.

I want to be Scarlet.

All Felix ever brought me was pain.

Even if it means succumbing to all Scarlet can and should be, it’s better this way. For me. For her. For Felix.

I never would have realized this without this night.

The fights.

The blood.

The laughter.

The...purpose.

What purpose did Felix ever have?

Gai pulls away. I stare at him. He stares at me.

I bite the inside of my cheek but make no motion to stop him or corral his behavior. My chest is warm. Little tingles run up my neck.

Gai moves in again.

I close my eyes.

The pressure is greater this time. The kiss more urgent. My head is pressed flat into the roof. I allow it without much resistance. A body soon lays over mine. It’s heavy. Warm.

Why must I resist? Why must I be so hesitant? I’m not Felix. I’ll never be Felix again. I’ll live longer as Scarlet than I ever did as Felix.

Is that such a bad thing?

I hated my life.

I had no purpose.

I died a meaningless death in a dead-end job with barely anyone to love me.

This body, this life, is my reality. It is the only thing that can make me happy.

Why do I fight it?

It’s stronger than me.

Scarlet’s always been stronger than me.

I love her.

I hate Felix.

I’ve always hated him.

Always.

Scarlet is redeemable. She has friends that cherish her, a genius intellect, a strong body, magical abilities, excellent swordsmanship, and a discovered sense of meaning.

All she’s missing is love.

Why must she repress what she wants because her mind conflicts with her reality?

Why must I suppress her?

I can do whatever I want.

What’s holding me back?

No one can judge me except for myself.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

There’s no point.

It’s so tiring.

I wrap my arms around Gai’s neck, pulling him closer.

Gai’s hands react in kind. They slide up the sides of my legs. I can feel his fingertips against my skin poking out in the gaps of my outfit. They’re delicate. Deliberate. Kind. They separate me until his body is fully nestled between mine.

I overthink things too much.

All it brings me is pain.

I’ve finally found some semblance of happiness tonight. I found a purpose. It goes entirely against what Felix would or could do. He was always wrong. I’ve always been wrong.

I need to let him go; let me go.

Then I’ll finally be free of my burdens of the past.

This is a step in that direction.

The kiss deepens. There’s a new pressure below it. Lust. The feelings I’ve been repressing. They break through the walls I’ve kept up for far too long.

All the decisions Felix ever made for me ended in pain. Scarlet’s been able to take his knowledge, turn it around, and make our life better. Sure she’s in an arranged marriage, but with someone she’d consider a friend. Someone who will take her places away from this dull life.

Out there, Scarlet can help people, see the world.

Scarlet’s friends love her.

They care for her.

They care for me.

They’re there when I need them.

Felix never had any of that.

Why do I even have to compromise?

Why can’t I just forget and move on

Why can’t I let Felix die?

Die…

Just…die…

I hate you!

A hand travels up my waist. It cups the underside of my breast.

This is fine.

This is fine.

This. Is. Fine.

“What’s wrong?” says Gai. He notices the change in me.

I hate him.

I hate me.

This is fine.

This is fine.

This...is...

“Scarlet!” Two hands grab my face. They pull me back into the real world

I blink rapidly. My heart pounds abnormally fast in my chest.

Gai looks at me. “You’re crying.”

Confused, I touch a hand to my face. My fingertips grow damp from the contact.

I grimace further, as the tears continue to flow. “Why can’t I? Why does this have to be complicated?” I whisper. “Why can’t I let you go?”

Silence.

“I’m sorry.”

It breaks me from my spell. “Huh?”

Gai moves off of me. “I pushed you too hard.”

“Oh.” I blink. “Sure...that’s it...” I breathlessly reply, still shaking.

Gai makes a face. “Is it not?”

“I…I don’t know.” I touch my palm to my head. It sears with pain. Slowly, I breathe in and out until the misery subsides. My hands wipe at the corners of my eyes. “I’m… I’m a little…better now.”

My breathing somewhat returns to normal.

“I took your breath away,” jokes Gai in an attempt to ease the tension.

I can’t help but laugh. “If you say so.” I falter a bit. “I’m a broken weirdo, I’m sorry. I riled you up for no reason. Again.”

“It’s fine.” Gai flops onto his back. “Damn, and just when I thought you’d finally accepted me.”

“I think I do accept you. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.” I roll over to him. “And I didn’t gag at all, did I?”

“That’s true,” notices Gai. “What does that mean for you and me? I’d say it’s not a good sign if kissing and touching makes you cry.”

“No, but it’s not your fault, it’s mine.” I pause. “As cliche as that admittedly sounds. I don’t hate you if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ve actually grown rather fond of you in a way,” I admit. “Why else would I let my guard down like that?”

“Then?” Gai stresses. His body is expectant. I can feel him inching closer to me again. Waves of desire flow off him. He’s trying to suppress it but isn’t doing that good a job.

I pat his shoulder. “The romantic part of my life has always perplexed me.”

Gai groans. “Ah, dammit.”

“I know how you feel.”

“I doubt it. You’re a girl. Getting a rise like that then losing it with no satisfaction hurts,” Gai grunts. “Literally. And this was a bad one. It’s gonna fucking hurt to walk, I can feel it.

I blink.

Yes, it does suck. I remember clearly.

“Okay, compromise prize. We can get rid of the pillow wall in our room.”

Gai lazily looks at me. “How is that a compromise?”

“Fine then.” I shrug. “I thought that was me implying that I don’t care if we’re a bit more intimate when we sleep, but if you don’t want that, we can keep it up.”

“No, no. I accept,” Gai hastily replies.

“Thought so.” I pat his forehead. “But again, thank you for tonight.”

“Which part?”

I pause. “All of it, I suppose. It was very informative.”

My gaze stares off into the distance.

“I can’t get rid of you that easily, can I?” I whisper to myself. “I’m sorry.”