A light warms my body. It’s lovely.

Death is such a chilling feeling, like swimming in a pool of cold blood. Then there’s this profound…emptiness.

Thank you, light, whatever you are.

Is this heaven?

No, probably not.

I don’t want to think about that.

I don’t want to think about anything.

“Why do you keep your eyes closed?” a sing-song voice asks me.

Slowly, I open my eyes, more astonished than anything.

A beautiful woman stands over me. Brilliant gold hair streams from atop her head. It’s long, reaching the back of her heels. It all falls perfectly around her like fields of summery wheat, seemingly floating around her body. Her face is blemish-free. Youthful. Not a mark nor line mars her white, near snow-like skin. It’s more noticeable now given the singular tan skin tone I’ve seen the past two decades. A warm smile emphasizes her lips while a simple, shimmering white dress adorns her body. The only thing odd about her is her eyes. They are completely white with no iris in either one.

“Hello!” the girl chirps.

“Hello?”

“How are you feeling?” the girl asks calmly.

I try to move my body. There is no pain when I do. It’s not even surprising. I am dead after all. Still, I remain on the ground.

“As good as I can be,” I admit. My voice falters. “Who are you?” I say as calmly as possible.

“My name is Proxy.”

“Are you…God?” The words leave my lips. I can’t help it. What else should I think given the circumstances?

Proxy recoils a bit, startled. Then she laughs. What a beautiful noise it is. It’s akin to a glass of water after days of thirst or sunlight after a rainy week.

“Ah, I laugh every time I hear that! No, no. Nothing so grand.” Proxy waves off my assertion. “I’m an intermediary.”

“An intermediary?”

“The one here to greet you.” Proxy taps my nose. “How about sitting up? We have a lot to talk about.”

Obliging her request, I sit. For the first time, I see where I am.

“Oh.” I look around, shocked.

Crystal blue sky with wispy white clouds surrounds me on all sides. A giant cage keeps us suspended in the air.

“Am I dead?”

“Partially,” replies Proxy.

“Partially?”

“Look at your hands.”

As asked, I look. Instead of skin, gold energy replaces my flesh. I look like I’m made of liquid. Lines of black and white cut through the color at every visible point of my “skin.” My hands and feet overlap with some sort of metal-looking flesh. They look like they’re a demon’s appendages with claws instead of hands.

It makes me uncomfortable.

As soon as I feel that way, they disappear in a particle-filled smoke of gold, white, and black to reveal my hands underneath.

When I make a fist, I still feel a “body.” All that’s changed is my form. Even grasping my hair, it’s still there, but instead of the usual red, white tufts lock between my digits. Large black wings sit heavy on my back while two sharp, curved white horns sprout out the top of my head.

“This is where souls transition from the land of the living to the afterlife. There’s no better place to be given your circumstances,” Proxy says as if that explains anything.

“I’ve been here before,” I mention. My eyes continue to peer around. “Why is there a cage?”

“It is a representation of your mental landscape.” Proxy gestures at the bars. “You feel trapped by something and it’s keeping you from the freedom you so desire.”

I let those words wash over me for a minute before responding. “Why am I here exactly?”

“Because you—” Proxy taps my nose with the tip of her finger once again. “—have met the required criteria to alter this world.” She sits down in front of me, crossing her legs as she does. “Are you ready?”

“Ready for what?”

“To be more than you are.” Proxy allows those words to ring within the air. “Or…you can rest.” Her voice softens so significantly it relaxes my soul. “You’ve already died once. Ask, and all your suffering will end. The memories, the pain, the exhaustion…all gone like that,” she says, snapping her fingers.

With those simple words, my guard melts away.

“Where will I go?” I ask softly.

“Somewhere else. Your soul will live on, but this version of you will be put to rest. The choice is yours.” Proxy stands. She begins pacing around the cage with her arms behind her back. “Your journey will not end. The pain you’ve felt now will not hinder your next life. There is still more you’ll do and lives you’ll change, but you need not suffer with the burden of this current consciousness.”

I stare at her for the longest time.

“…I can’t leave after all I’ve been through. It would make everything I’ve done and experienced pointless.”

“Pass!” Proxy immediately claps her hands together not even a second after I speak. “Your voice is strong. May it define your actions going forward.”

Proxy disappears, almost like a glitch, and reappears in front of me. Before I can recoil away, she leans down and touches my forehead with her pointer finger.

Energy suddenly surges beneath my skin. It’s…indescribable! Like my entire essence is being reshaped!

“Your being will change in accordance with your role,” Proxy continues to speak. “Hmmm. Yes, that will work.”

“What will—”

“As with all the others, your body is beyond those of humankind. Time is now your ally, and the seed is severed. Those that align their fates with yours will grow as they emblazon a path at your side as disciples,” says Proxy as she rattles off each sentence like a bullet point off a list. “Preach your gospel. Let your ideology be ratified by the masses or discarded under the will of others. Prove that the manifestation of human desires born through your existence is worthy of becoming the natural order.”

More energy surges inside me. It’s almost overwhelming.

Is…Is something happening…to my soul?

“Light and darkness,” says Proxy. “Is this mere irony or an omen of changing times?” she whispers. “Your limits are transcended.”

What?

“To challenge the world, you must be able to face it on equal footing,” Proxy assesses. “You’ll be given a new gift that equates to the change and desire within you.” She pauses. “Hmm. That would work. A fine trait. May you continue to be inspired and forge a path with whatever tools your heart desires.”

A new ability imprints upon my mind.

All the information. All this power. It’s branded within me. The changes. The energy. Am I a—

Proxy removes her finger from my head. “Felix, why do you hate yourself? Or do you prefer I call you Scarlet?”

My jaw clenches. “You can read my mind?”

Proxy’s head cocks to the side. “Is that what you find most strange?”

I frown.

“There is kindness in your heart. It reflects upon those you love. You possess not hatred, not even the man you killed. Only one person. You.”

“Is that so surprising?” I scoff out. My shoulders sag as my body weakens. “You’ve read my mind. You know what I’ve been through. How I’ve been treated. How I treat myself.” A sad smile makes its way to my face. “This body, my mind, my memories…all of it hurt me for so long. It still does.”

“Yes, I am aware,” acknowledges Proxy. She frowns. “Your heart is conflicted. Two people are fighting for control. It makes you miserable.”

“It makes sense, doesn’t it? I wanted to die.” Those words ring out for a moment. “Then I reincarnated. I was optimistic at first. Things were different. It was a second chance, one I didn’t feel I deserved. Then the body I’d initially ignored began to ruin my life. Marriage. Restrictions. Romance. The cost of what I desired versus what I’d be giving up. The lustful stares and wants of strangers. Being seen as weak. Lesser. A tool. I hated it. My body became an obstacle as well as my mind. Nothing changed. I felt empty. Every answer I made to fix shit only made things worse. And now…”

Proxy kindly listens to me without speaking. I can feel her compassion as I talk. It’s like the walls inside my heart are slowly being stripped away by her presence.

“I know what I want to do,” I say. “I learned it in the end. It’s why I’m here, isn’t it?”

Proxy says nothing. She merely smiles at me.

“You don’t have to say anything,” I murmur. “It doesn’t matter. For the first time in a long time, I’m at peace. Still…I…”

“Who am I?”

My face tingles.

“That’s what you were thinking regardless of your flowery words.”

After a moment, I reply, “Yes…who am I…”

“A question as old as humanity,” Proxy discerns. “In your case, it’s not philosophical but your reality.”

“An understatement.”

“Well?”

“Well, what?”

“Do you know the answer?”

“…how could I?”

Proxy steps forward. Her fingers lightly tap against the cage. A little hum leaves her throat as she walks around the sides. “In your thoughts, you spoke of your mind being ‘heaven’ and your body being the ‘earth.’ You have noticed both yet conquered neither. Without acceptance, you will never truly be at peace. It is the last thing you must do. Finish what you started. Remove this cage. Free what you’ve found inside yourself.”

“How would I even do that?” I say in a voice barely higher than a whisper.

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

Proxy stops. She peers at me. “By confronting what holds you back.”

A sensation of eyes on my back sends shivers down my spine.

I turn around quickly.

Flinching, my jaw sets as I gaze at two people I know all too well.

Versions of myself stand nearby. My past and present.

To the left, Felix watches me. His eyes are tired with large sunken skin drooping under them. His suit sticks to him like a glove, but it looks as cheap as his demeanor. There’s no fight in him. Staring into his eyes, there isn’t a semblance of hope I can point to that makes him a human worth living.

Beside him to my right is Scarlet. Her short stature pales in comparison to my past self. Her strong frame stands tall in the same black outfit I’d wear when patrolling Water’s Bastion. Two swords are gripped in her hands. She stares at me, defiant. Strong. Yet in the back of her eyes, there’s uncertainty. A fear so familiar it almost makes me vomit.

“They are the ones that made your cage,” Proxy speaks. Her voice echoes in my ears. “Only through them may you find the freedom you seek. Knowing this, what will you do?”

I stare at the two of them. My breathing quickens. It feels like I’m having a heart attack.

“Is that your answer?”

My hands suddenly feel heavy. I look down at my palms. Gripped within my odd flesh, two swords sit firmly between my glowing fingers.

“Do what you must,” implies Proxy.

I feel my feet move me forward.

Every inch closer, anger builds within my soul.

I approach Felix.

Scarlet steps between us.

My right arm swings at her.

Scarlet tries to block.

Effortlessly, I remove her hands and the top of her head. Neither my speed nor strength register in my mind as they ascend beyond my prior capacity.

Scarlet’s corpse dumps to the ground.

Felix cowers before me, falling against the base of the cage. He stares up at me in horror.

I drive my blade into his mouth and out the back of his head.

Ahhhhh! Bliss!

It feels…so good! The feeling of the flesh separating from the steel! Oh, if it were anyone else, the act wouldn’t be so…divine. But to kill him…there’s no better feeling in the world.

“Is that your answer?” asks Proxy.

I look over at her.

Proxy stares back. Her features do not give way to what she’s thinking. I sense neither disappointment nor elation. Total neutrality is reflected in her colorless gaze.

“What does that mean?”

“A question for yourself.”

Something painful pushes through my back and out my stomach.

I grit my teeth.

Looking down, two blades poke out of my belly. I glance over my shoulder.

Scarlet.

Her corpse is still there, but it is torn apart. The version now behind me is uninjured yet covered in gore.

My eyes widen.

Felix’s body splits apart as a hand emerges from his stomach. The skin peels back as another version, alive and breathing, pulls itself from the corpse in a way that defies any concept of reason.

Whipping around, I sever Scarlet’s head with a single swipe. I kick back at the corpse then turn to Felix again. Scarlet’s body falls backward, bringing the blades with it.

Freed of the burden, I attack my intended target.

My blades shred into Felix over and over and over again until there is no chunk left for him to emerge from.

“Is that your answer?”

Feeling a sensation at the back of my neck, I shift quickly to the side, bringing down my sword horizontally as I do.

Scarlet appears where I once was, her blades ready to harm me.

My strike bisects her down the middle from the base of her head down between her legs. The two halves flop to the ground.

Relief floods me.

Then I spot fingers.

Out of the pool of blood from Felix’s corpse, a hand rises. Then comes a head. Felix emerges from the crimson pond as if it had been a lake. He gasps for air, pulling himself out until he’s fully free of the liquid. It stains his hair and suit. His chest rises up and down as he struggles to breathe.

I stare vacantly at the revival.

Two arms jut out of the left half of the bisected Scarlet. Just like Felix, a new Scarlet emerges from the gore alive and well.

I take a step back, mortified.

“Is that your answer?”

Yelling, I charge forward.

•

How many days has it been?

Months?

Years?

Decades?

I hold Scarlet’s head in one hand and Felix’s in another. My eyes stare into theirs.

Like a woman giving birth, new, living versions of themselves slide out their severed neck holes onto the ground, alive and unharmed.

Blood slicks every inch of the bird cage from the base to the ceiling to the bars around us. Limbs and bodies pile along the edges. They rain down the sides into the endless sky.

“Is that your—”

“What do you want from me?!” I dart at Proxy, dropping the useless heads. My wrist tucks under her throat as I press her hard against the side of the cage. “What the fuck do you want from me?!”

Blades repeatedly stab at my back as the reemerged Scarlet tries her best to kill me. I feel the swords go through me and see them emerge out of my stomach.

“It’s not what I want. It’s what you want.”

A blade pokes through my throat.

It feels like a gnat buzzing around me.

Annoyed, I drop Proxy, twist, and kick out my leg. Scarlet does her best to block it, but the force of my strike is too strong. She’s sent to the other side of the cage. Her body smashes against the bars and segments into pieces at each. Her blood squirts into the birdcage while her chopped body falls off the side.

Proxy stands, wiping off her face. “It is okay to give up. If you can’t free yourself from this cage, there is no point in your convictions. You’ll always be held back by your weakness.”

“I’m trying to get rid of them, aren’t I?!” I shout. “I keep trying and trying and trying and trying and fucking trying but they keep getting back up!”

“Because that isn’t the answer you seek. You know this.”

“Then what is?!”

Proxy touches the middle of my chest. It warms an energy inside me. “If killing them were the path toward salvation, and you truly felt it, then the cage would be gone.” She gestures high into the sky. “Yet still the sky is blocked.”

I remain silent.

For seconds.

Minutes.

I turn to face my selves. Their attacks have ceased.

Scarlet stands before Felix. Her swords protect him.

While afraid, Felix does not cower. Even in the face of death, something he so clearly fears, he does not flee it.

“I am me,” I whisper.

“Yes.”

“That doesn’t help.”

“Of course it does!” Proxy grabs my hands. She gathers our palms before her face and rests her chin atop them. “Even twins raised by the same parents turn out to be different people. No one person is the same. You are a man, a woman, a son, a daughter, a friend, a lover, a teacher, a student. One label does not define you. Does it matter what you call yourself? You are still you. You know this. You’ve said it. Yet you need to accept it. Fully. With all your heart and mind. Transcend this self and become someone you can love!”

My face trembles. I pull my hands from Proxy’s grasp. The determination in my heart diminishes as fear flows through me. I crouch low, hugging my knees to my chest. “How does that help me? I know that, but I can’t accept it. It’d be easier to kill them and become someone new. When I accept Scarlet, all I can think of is Felix. Scarlet wants things Felix won’t allow her. When I try to be Felix, the reality of Scarlet interferes, and—”

“Why are you calling them different names? Felix. Scarlet.” Proxy bends down to meet my gaze. Her forehead taps mine. “They’re you.”

My jaw sets in a firm line.

“What does it matter what Felix wants? What Scarlet wants? Whatever they want is what you want. Accept it.” Proxy grabs my cheeks, squishing them together. She stares into my eyes, and I stare back. “What is your resolve? What drives you?”

“Freedom.”

“What is freedom?”

“The ability to live as you’d like, good or bad, without restraint,” I affirm inside my heart.

“That doesn’t only apply to others. It applies to you, too. You took that ideology into your heart, yet you still allow your freedom to be compromised in the place that matters. Your soul,” Proxy gently tells me in her warm voice. “Accept your own sins. Forgive them. Only then will you finally be free.”

My mouth sets in a firm line. I stare into the distant sky that goes on endlessly. My shoulders tremble as I tighten the muscles in my body.

“Am I allowed to do that?” I whisper.

“That’s for you to decide.”

Slowly, I look over my shoulder. Perfect copies of my past and present selves stand as if waiting for me. The visages of blood and gore are gone. A clean cage, pristine and shining, surrounds myself and my selves.

Proxy turns me around fully, leaving no barrier between me and what I must do.

Scarlet and Felix offer me worried glances.

My feet lead me forward until I’m standing before Felix. I look him over. Those horrible dark bags under his eyes. An ugly, cheap suit that reeks of mediocrity. Dark black hair so lazily slapped into a bun, it gives off little confidence or respectability. The beard on his face is stragglier than I can remember. It’s hard to even call him a “person.”

Pathetic.

“I hate you,” I say to him. “That word doesn’t even do justice for how much I loathe your existence. You were weak. You wasted our lives. Our happiness was always an illusion. You were a coward. I feel no pity for you in the slightest.” I look into his eyes. “Stop dictating my life.” My palm raises to slap him. “You’re a fucking worthless fuck! You deserved to die!”

My hand glides forward.

I wince.

My action stops short of contact.

Looking away, resentment builds in my heart.

Why do I keep repeating the same mistakes?

My gaze drifts back up to Fe…myself.

“I’m…sorry. It was my fault…I…died. I should have done something different. All I did was give up. You aren’t to blame. We are. I am. I know that. I can’t keep hiding behind you for all my mistakes.” My stance softens. “I am you.” I reach forward and grab my past face with both hands. “Let’s live a full life from now on. No more regrets.” I hug myself. “I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry I killed you. I’m sorry I said I hated you. I don’t. I don’t hate you. I don’t hate me. I…I love life. It’s so precious. I love it so much. So much that it hurts. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry...”

My former body slowly turns black until the body is just an outline. It stretches and overtakes my skin, providing me with warmth and energy. The blackness becomes a part of me until the color is no more.

I turn to my right.

There stands Scarlet. Her swords hang limp at her sides, but her palms grip them tightly.

I step before her.

“I am you. You are me. I won’t deny you any longer. There’s no point in fleeing from who we are,” I whisper. My voice grows stronger. “I’m…afraid of you. How you’ve changed me. What you want me to do…I…no. I didn’t accept it. I only accepted the parts of us I wanted. I rejected the rest of us like some sort of disease. I used you when you were convenient yet discarded you when you weren’t. I am you and you are me. I’ll say it as many times as I need to. I won’t hold back any longer.” I place my hand on both of Scarlet’s, on my, shoulders. A smile warms my lips as tears slip down my cheeks. “Let’s live our life how we want. I am you and you are me. We…I am free.”

Myself smiles back at me. Her frame turns white. It breaks apart into little particles before enveloping me in a glowing light that slowly recedes beneath my skin.

“I never had any doubt,” Proxy says from behind me. “You are an exceptional person when unbound by the burdens of your past. Well done.”

One by one, each bar of the birdcage disconnects from the base. They chip and break before floating away wiggling like snakes in the sky. With no bars to hold it, the base falls away.

Proxy and I remain standing in the open sky unburdened by the containment.

“All I needed was one final push to accept what I already knew,” I whisper, smiling down at my feet. “Thank you.”

“You did that on your own. Everything I said was what you already felt and knew. All I did was guide you toward what your soul already concluded. Acceptance was the only thing you lacked.”

I turn back to Proxy. For the first time in a long time, my brain is my own. My thoughts don’t conflict. One voice controls it all, not two.

There is no confusion.

Everything is clear.

I am me.

“Right now, your physical body is reshaping to conform with your new reality. It’s marinated long enough,” Proxy explains to me. “You have conquered yourself and chosen that which defines you. For that, I bestow upon you a new name.” She leans close into my ear.

My face calms.

“Your name is—”

I did it.

I’m free.