Cher says she doesn't like how the light lady and the storm lady look at you. There is something off about their minds as well.
Nette, you aren't plunging the minds of our guests, are you?
No, I did a quick scan for threats but nothing deeper. Even without reading their minds, I can tell they are hiding something. And every time they look at you, their minds are more active. Are you sure I can't just peek at what they are thinking?
No peeking without permission. How did your meeting with Cru go? I ask after a moment of hesitation.
You are right next to him. Why don't you ask?
I will. I want to know your side of things as well. My eyes blink, and I'm face-to-face with Nette the next moment. We are sitting on the sandy beach next to the lake in her mindscape. The imagery is so lifelike I almost begin shedding layers to take a swim. I don't though, because it seems wrong to strip when you are in someone else's mind. Seems like that's a standard rule of mind.
"Part of me feels like I should feel betrayed. I owe it to the spiders to want them enough that I'm sad they would choose to follow another. They are my kin, after all." Nette pauses, and I track her gaze to the ocean waves gently rolling in. She takes a deep breath. "I never treated them as such. At first, I did. I cared and loved them, but that just made their zealous worship so much worse. In time I became distant and only cared for their progression. If I could raise them above their inherent desire, they would no longer be so desperate for a goddess. Even in that endeavor, I failed them.
"Now that they have Cru, they have progressed farther than I could ever get them to." Nette's eyes are puffy. Her body trembles from time to time. I don't know why her mind space is so cold, but it doesn't matter. With a bit of hesitation, I put my arm around my friend. Nette ever so slightly sinks into my side. I
I'm so ill-equipped for this. I want to be able to help Nette. To give her words of encouragement. No matter how hard I try, the words don't come. So we sit silently, and I offer as much quiet support as possible. For all my gains in progress, I'm no better at this than when I was with Gene sitting on top of the mountain.
"I think it's OK to feel relieved," I struggle to say after a long silence, and now I'm out of my depths. As a fellow failure, I rely on the motivation I often tell myself. "What I appreciate about life is that we have a chance to be better. If there is something about ourselves we don't like, we can change it. And maybe it takes many attempts to change. If we keep at it, we can be better. I'm not saying you made mistakes. Only you can judge yourself. Just don't judge yourself too harshly. If it's what you want, there's still time to make it up to the spiders."
Nette doesn't recoil from my vomit of words. I want to be supportive and helpful. I just don't know what to say. I should have stayed silent. Next time I'm not talking. I just want her to be OK.
"I failed them. All of them." She says after another bout of silence. Her body becomes limper, and my shoulder holds more of her weight. I hold her tighter and let her process her thoughts and feelings. I have nothing to offer her, so I just hold on and try to bear some of her burdens with her.
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I want to tell her that she's OK. It's OK to fail, even in the big things. I want to reiterate what I said before in a smarter, more meaningful way. I just don't have the words to do so. I feel so powerless again.
At the same time, I'm trying to accept my own advice too. A part of me needs it to be true. I told myself just a week ago I was done killing. Since then, I've been running from fight to fight. My hands, bloodier than before.
In her mindscape, the setting sun is replaced with a crescent moon. The peaceful sounds of nature fall into a rhythmic cadence. "Thanks, Jim," she finally says when the moon reaches the height of its orbit. "Don't be too hard on yourself as well. Your support is more than adequate. Cru and his spiders will be a great addition to our home." There's a bit of pain in her words when she says spiders. It is quickly brushed off, and Nette lifts some of her weight from my shoulder.
"Of course. You will always have my support." I should keep my mouth shut, but I keep talking. "In a way, I kind of understand your feelings. I was so inadequate to lead myself that I created Bones. Even as a simple skeleton construct, he outperformed me in every way. When I gave him leadership… Well, we have all of this. And that was just me trying to manage myself. I can't imagine having so many others depending on me as you did."
"Well, now I kind of want to see what would happen if you were a god," there is much more mirth in her words. The silence is much more comfortable, and we remain in silence, watching the moon fall behind the mountains.
"Thank you," I whisper to Nette as my body fades from the scene. I'm back at the golden tree, and water is still pouring from my hands. The dirt around the tree isn't flooded yet, and Cru and Apper barely moved from their last spot.
"Think we can save it?" I ask the focused duo.
"Maybe. It will take some time, though," Cru says. The goblin's hand fidgets in his pocket and seems to want to say something. I choose not to pressure him on the issue and give him the space to talk if he wants.
"Nette says it's time to eat. You sure you want to leave your spiders on patrol Cru? They are welcome to join." Cher steps out of her shadow. She's been by our side the whole time, watching and listening.
"I asked them. They feel more comfortable in the forest." He doesn't add that he feels more comfortable out here as well. It's definitely going to take some time for this to all settle and become normal. Hopefully, we will all be comfortable with each other with some time.
"Come on, let's go in." Cher takes Cru by the hand and leads him into the academy. Apper follows close behind.
"I'll join y'all in a moment," I say to my friends as they walk away. A wave of the hand is all I get from Apper in response, who picks up her pace and joins Cru on his other side. I'm glad to see them so easily welcoming Cru. I didn't think they would have a problem with him. Not even Gene or the rest of the lycans are upset with his presence. The guy has had a life as tough as theirs and had nothing to do with their history.
I don't join the early dinner party right away. I'll probably miss out on the refugee stories. Hopefully, I can hear them later. What I need right now is some time and space alone. I feel drained and could use a refresher. In my empty state of mind, I find myself at the lake spot Nette and I sat by.
For complete privacy, I step into my shadow realm, strip down, and plunge into the lake. The water feels so good and is everything I need now. My body relaxes, and my mind is at peace. I feel so dirty, and everything is changing so fast. I've barely had time to breathe these last few days. There's been so much fighting, and much more will come. Demons, hordes, and even humans will try to take from us. The pull for power is too strong to resist.
Live. The word is likely my biggest failure. Maybe I should have shared that with Nette. One command and I can't seem to get it right. I'm trying to live. I want my life to be full of life. Yet death is beckoning me at every turn. I even killed my friend today because I wasn't strong enough to find another way. My thoughts and heart become heavy as I sink below the water. Just keep trying, I tell myself. Just keep trying.