Origin

I am writing this journal for two purposes. One is to keep my own thoughts in order. Another is in the hopes that someone else may read it one day and understand my story. Perhaps as best as anyone who didn't experience it may be able.

My name is Jonah Reed. Partway through my time in college, I was discovered to have a mysterious condition. After extensive testing, it was discovered to be an unknown ailment, one that, at the time, they didn't even have a name for. The medical researchers explained it to me in a little more detail, but to give a shortened explanation, the structure of my brain has impurities that will build up stress over time and would, if left untreated, lead to irrevocable damage and ultimately death. As a result of this, to offset it, I would have to go into hypersleep within a period of around six months to take stress off of my brain so that it could rejuvenate.

Unfortunately, due to the peculiarities of this condition, this healing can only come very slowly. Doctors tell me that due to the severity of the corrosion, this time in hypersleep needs to last for about 17 years, after which point, I could reawaken. But the issue with this is that this would not be a one-time event. After awakening, the same process of building impurities will happen again, and once again begin the clock. So, at risk of death, I would have to once again be put under. This process would continue on indefinitely, without me ever being able to be awake longer than six months. At least, not unless it is cured at some point in the future. But I was told not to hold out hope on this.

Needless to say, this life comes with certain types of problems. Many types of goals or relationships become all but impossible in this light. My one solace is that my body will be put in suspended animation while I am unconscious, so I won't have to worry about dying after only a few cycles. I won't age while asleep, and so while it will be spread out over an unnaturally long stretch of time, my subjective perspective is expected to be that of a relatively normal lifespan. I suppose I should consider myself lucky in a way. Hypersleep is a fairly recent invention, and had this happened any earlier, I wouldn't have been able to survive at all.

The truth is, I believe I was in a bit of shock over the news. As I was gearing up to be put under for the first time, while I was certainly sad, I felt a bit numb. I hadn't quite yet internalized what it would mean that while for me, it would feel like just a long sleep while I was under, that for everyone else, it would be a long seventeen years. And that because of this, my relationship to others would be forever changed. I was trying to put it out of my mind, but it was still there, like a small worm eating away at me.

But there was nothing to be done. I went around to those I knew and said my goodbyes. I reflected on the fact that there were those I had already grown out of touch with and who I now would never have a chance to rectify this for. But did it even make a difference? After all, from the perspective of others, I would soon be out of touch with everyone. Slowly erased from the consciousness of others as the endless waves of time crash on.

I could have described everyone it was that I was leaving behind individually, but I need not mention so much about my former life. After all, it is a chapter that is closed off to me forever. So I will close this opener rather abruptly, having run out of energy to expand on it.

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Cycle One

I awoke the first time feeling cold and disoriented, like I had been lost in a bad dream. You know how there are those times where you have a nightmare you are so sure you can never escape from. But then you wake up, only to have a sense of relief that you can now return to your normal life. I had that feeling now. But unfortunately for me, it would not last long.

Slowly, it came back to me that my reality was actually the reverse. And that the dream I wanted to escape from was my waking life. In my unconscious repose, I had been able to turn a blind eye to my sorrowful state, resting in the blissful nirvana of emptiness for many years. But as I returned to consciousness, the negative feelings all began to flood back with overpowering intensity. Unreflectively, I felt a vague hope mixed in with them. A feeling that I was on the verge of breaking through my enmeshed troubles to return to the pleroma of my former life. But this freedom would not come. Though it felt like no time had passed having awoken, in the outside world, it had been almost two decades. And I was trapped now in the future. As if there were iron bars behind me, closing me off to the place I would have given anything to return to.

I rested in my medical pod for a time, unwilling to arise from it. After the period I awoke; it must have been almost an entire day before I got up. No one came to check on me, though their instruments must have told them I was once again conscious. I was thankful to them for that small comfort. I felt as though as long as I remained there, the reality of my situation could not truly set in. That I could feel as if I still had a normal life and future ahead of me. I lied there like this in a fetal position, going over this in my head and trying to comfort myself.

But I suppose I did have a future ahead of me after all. Quite a long one, in fact. I could not sleep forever.

I reluctantly climbed out of the medical pod and was eventually greeted by doctors and researchers, checking my vitals and doing some preliminary checks. It must have taken a bit of resources to keep me like that, though in this day and age it would have been much less than it once would have. I informed them that I wanted to stay out of the public eye if possible – something I had said once before, before hypersleep. They were accommodating with this, and so most of their info would only be passed around in their own medical circles. Doctors and researchers would make use of it for something or other, I suppose.

Doctors, huh. I suppose I could have been a doctor myself once. In another life. Sitting in the room, I was thinking of all the options that had been taken from me.

Thankfully at least though, due to the usefulness of the research done on me, money would not be a major object. Because of the uniqueness of my condition and the scientific benefits studying it would bring, I would receive a government stipend that was not too shabby. Although it was certainly not enough to live lavishly, it was enough to offset some of the economic concerns such a condition might give rise to.

Leaving the hospital, I intended to head home first to see my parents. I suppose for now, at least I could just stay with them rather than find a place of my own. Though I reflected sadly on the fact that this option wouldn't be available for very many cycles. Before I headed home, however, I walked around to see the new sights. It hadn't been all that long, but I was amazed to see how things began to change. And I was excited to see what it would be like to get to delve continually deeper into the cybernetic future that was beginning to crop up around me.

Cautiously coming through the door, after making sure that it was still my parents living there, I was met by them with a shocked and teary reunion. Though within this, I myself felt that I had to hide that I was displeased to see how much older they had become. This is something a lot of people are not prepared for when it comes, but it certainly isn't made better by having to see it happen all at once. When you have a mental frame of how you see someone, having to deal with the reality of it being suddenly outdated and so needing to readjust is never easy.

There wasn't a lot of catching up to do on my side; after all, I had been asleep. But I was eager to learn about what had happened with them in between. I had not been very close with much of my extended family, but it was my parents' desire to visit some of them with me, and so for a few days I went around with them to say hello. At this time, I also signed up for some new college classes, although... not too many. I didn't want it to take up all my free time. I wasn't sure what I would even need college for now, but I still wanted to finish it all the same.

There was a tension here though, however. It felt vague at first, like my parents were keeping a deliberate distance. Initially, I didn't entirely understand it. But in time, I came to realize what it was about at its root. After all, my return was only temporary. I would once again disappear from their lives, the same as I had done the first time. In essence, in their mind I was already dead. To them, I was a mere ghostly apparition. One that would melt away once more with the coming of the morning sun.

I did not feel too bad about this at the time, although I would come to do so later in retrospect. Although this was not an overly positive feeling, it was not the only thing to focus on. I had more people to see and places to be. I wanted to go find my friends, and see what they were up to and how the area changed. I knew I might miss my parents more in time. It felt rather eerie after all, missing someone when they are still physically around you. But as I was still in denial over my position, I glossed over this in my mind. I suppose people always do, until it is too late.

Now, I don't need to describe all of my friends one by one. But to sum it up, there was what we might call a core group of eight of us. To be sure, we did know some others, especially as we got older, but when we were younger, we were always together. Of these, my closest friend was Benjamin, who we normally referred to as Benji on account of his distaste of the shortened form Ben. While my friends had said hi to my parents from time to time after my disappearance, this had dissipated eventually. And so, as it stood, my parents had no knowledge of where they were or what they were doing. So I set out to figure out where it was that Benji was in the present. Or, rather, the future. Whatever you might want to call this time in which I found myself.

Tracking him down didn't take long. He still had a presence on social media, and while I could have contacted him there, I wanted to show up as a kind of surprise. I discovered that he now had a house and family in the cyburbs. Although he would have known loosely when it was that I would wake up, after these long years, I assumed he was no longer keeping close track. Perhaps he doubted whether he would ever see me again at all. At least emotionally, if not intellectually.

Knocking on the door to Benji's house, I could see that at first he was shocked to see me, but then took on a happy demeanor, welcoming me in and being eager to show me around and reminisce about old times. He introduced me to his wife and young children, now 2 and 5, and then we went out to spend time together as he was currently free.

Over the next few weeks I visited them some more times and got to know his family more. Although I took care to not visit an extraordinarily large amount of times out of fear it could become a nuisance. I went to find things to do on my own on other free days that I didn't have classes, and by and large treated this period like an extended vacation. Seeing many new sights and how the area changed, and getting up to a lot of interesting stuff I likely would not have even thought of looking into in the past.

On a particular day, we were out throwing around a blizzball for old time's sake. I could see that I was now much better than him, but I considered that it may be awkward to bring this up, as the reason for this was, of course, that from my perspective, the times we used to play were only a short while ago, whereas for him it had been many years.

I asked about our other friends and what they were up to. Of the original eight of us, four were no longer even in the area and did not keep in touch. Two were closer, and while he still saw them from time to time, it was not common. This was not to say he was a loner or without his own friends, however. Simply that his circle had changed now. I considered that I could ask to meet his newer friends, but I thought this might be imposing, them having very little to do with my past life and being a wildly different age from me at any rate.

I went out to meet the other two, saying hi to them as well. Though these situations were more awkward, they did still have a bit to talk about. In the end, we organized a get-together with the four of us at Benjamin's house. And had a good time talking about days past. They enjoyed this not only for my sake but due to being able to reconnect with eachother as well. Or at least it seemed that way to me at the time.

In those days, I truly believed that I had finally come to terms with my new situation. After all, I was enjoying the time I was spending, was I not? I had always been a resilient person who was able to handle many of the most difficult situations with a shrug and a smile. Many liked this about me; you could have asked anyone! But I suppose the truth is not so simple. You can push things down for a time, but they won't stay hidden forever.

But as it was drawing to the end of my waking period, I waved goodbye to my friends and later to my parents as it drew to a final close. At this point, I was starting to feel more uneasy, though as I had become so good at doing, I put it out of my mind and returned to a new hospital sleep capsule.

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Cycle Two

I awoke again, feeling energized. At this point, the reality of my situation had still not set in entirely. Although I knew there was much I was missing out on, in exchange, I had the opportunity to leap ahead to new experiences in turn. I thought I was okay with this, at least if I believed there were people I could keep with me. In truth, I was still in denial and mentally blocking out thinking about my life and situation as much I could. But this was not within my waking awareness.

I went for a walk again to see the sights at first and to once again see what new developments had come up in the intervening period. Initially, I intended this to only be a short stop, but it ended up turning into several days. I wanted some alone time to clear my head, and so for this period, I didn't bother contacting anyone. I was still amazed to see the changes, although they were a bit more disorienting than they were the last time, due to me not even fully adjusting to the previous changes yet before having to once again move on.

After this, I thought that I should not dawdle for too long, and so I tried to return home again. But doing so, I found when I arrived that there was someone else living there now and that my parents were nowhere to be seen. I was stumped for a bit at the prospect of how to find out what happened, but eventually I noticed that a cyber-mail had been left for me from more remote family. Although it was far enough back that it took me awhile of sorting through to find it.

On opening it, my heart leapt into my mouth. It turns out that in the intervening period, not one but both of my parents had died. Although they were getting older, both deaths had been unordinarily young for this time period. I wondered whether their emotional state had played a part. But I suppose that this is not something I would ever be able to know.

Checking again, I found another cyber-mail from only two years ago listed as from my parents themselves. I was filled with fear, and hesitated for a long time before opening it. But on finally doing so, I found that it detailed a final goodbye in their last moments and a statement that they would now both be asleep with me. It didn't even state which one of them had written it; being presented as a collective goodbye from both of them. And with it was a message telling me that they hoped I would be able to find peace without them when I returned to life. And on reading this, I lost it and broke down.

I sat there in public with nowhere to go, just sobbing in my arms for a long time. But I could not do this forever. Difficult as it was, I carried myself til I found a place to stay, and then after this, I did little but sit inside crying for many days. I always knew I would eventually have to face their death, but I did not realize it would come so soon. I lamented now that I did not spend more time with them when I had the chance. But regret as I might, now the chance would never come again.

I wanted to visit my friends again, but I realized that they might not know about my parents' deaths at all, or alternately, that it would not be new information for them. They may be aware that it was still new for me, but I wanted this to be a chance to feel better, not a way to stew in my own misery.

There was no cemetery to go to. My parents did not opt to leave their bodies in a specific place, knowing that I would not be awake to visit it and feeling a sense of loneliness from that absence. As a result, I had nowhere special to go to say goodbye.

Ritualism is a funny thing. Even if you know there is no special significance to something, you often feel an intense need to do it to formalize your feelings. And I felt at a loss, waking up with them simply gone, like they had never been. Nowhere to go and nothing to do. In the end, I went and spent the day at a park I had special memories at with them from when I was young. I prepared my own ritual, like it was a kind of prayer. Printing out a photo of them and burying it folded in the earth. I wasn't satisfied with the outcome, but there was nothing else to do. I looked back sadly and moved on.

I took a few more days to rest and regain a more positive demeanor before heading out to meet people. I took up meditation from some descriptions of it I had found, but I'm not sure how much it helped. At any rate, it felt helpful to have something to do that was supposed to help, at least.

I went again to visit Benji. But I could tell from the moment I saw him that things were not going to be the same. He once again looked shocked to see me. But this time, with his advancing age, there was little familiarity.

He invited me in and made a token gesture of conversation, but I could tell his mind was now elsewhere. Reminiscing about our former lives seemed to mean little to him now, as at this point to him it was little more than a faint memory and I little more than a ghost from the past. I could see that interacting brought up old wounds, but wasn't sure how to address this or whether I should even dare bring it up. He hadn't even seen our other two friends since close to the last time I went to sleep. And he now no longer even had a contact for them.

Before hypersleep, I hadn't considered just how much people can change across their lives. I never felt like I had much in common with people so much older than me before, so I regretted that I hadn't considered that this case would apply to people who I knew well in the past. And that I was now being forced to face the difficulty of this realization all at once. He made no serious pretense of going out or doing any activities with me, and I realized now that I would have felt awkward if he had. It would look like he was my parent rather than an old friend.

I noticed that his children were actually now older than I was. I could see him looking at them, and wondered whether he was considering trying to get me to spend time with them instead. But on this, he remained silent, perhaps thinking that suggesting as such would have a demeaning air.

Feeling increasingly awkward, I made an excuse not to stay too long. I left, thanking him for his time and saying I would see him later. But this was a lie. The strain was too large, and I realized now that it would only grow larger over time. Though I tried to keep him from seeing, I was crying as I left over the realization I was forced to face now that my life was lost, and it hit me all at once that there were some things you could never return to.

And I knew then, in that moment, that I would never seek him out again.

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I spent some days feeling dejected and now at a loss on how to spend my time, no longer feeling interested in exploring the new world on my own. If I couldn't count on being able to spend meaningful time with people I had already known, I would need to go out and make new friends. I wouldn't tell them about my condition, of course, this being a wound of my own that I was unwilling to address. Though this came with the unfortunate consequence that they would too see me disappear one day without explanation. It was perhaps best to remain casual. Come up with a plausible story of being in the area only for a short time and wanting to be shown around. And ask for help around the streets from people who hadn't even been born at the time I first traversed them.

I thought too about my desire for a relationship. But how could one seek one out, knowing that you have only a short time? It would be an unfair fate to saddle onto a partner who would have to lose you so suddenly. And if you were to tell them ahead of time, it would never be able to expand past the scope of casual to begin with.

I went to various public places, hoping to find a community, and even searched for one online. But with the urgency of time speeding me, it gave me decision paralysis. How could one choose, knowing you only get to make one choice? That if you chose wrong, your time would end, pulling you from your one chance at companionship and back into the abyss?

I realized that though it had been little time from my own perspective, that many years of culture had came and went while I had slept. My previous time awakening, I had not considered this too much, focusing on what I had known already, and on keeping in touch with the people I could do so for. I wasn't sure whether it was the right approach, but I decided I had best come off as someone with a contemporary air if I intended to be seen as such.

I spent a day trying to figure out what the state of culture was in the present, but this led to a bit of confusion. Something good did come out of it, though, in that I managed to find my way into a college group going collectively to a movie called Bunker Man and Harry. I hadn't yet signed up for classes, having, up until this point felt not up to sitting through them. But I did so now, just to have an actual connection to the groups that moved in the college circles.

The name Bunker Man and Harry meant very little to me, although I was shocked to find out that whatever it is, its original stories had came out only a few short years after my initial hypersleep. The characters were some kind of golf themed superheroes, although what that that could mean I wasn't certain. I was determined to pretend to be familiar and to fake it til I made it into a new circle of companions. At least for now.

The day of the outing went well, and much to my satisfaction, I successfully managed to go along with them after. During the next few weeks, I made my way into their group, and as a result, I found myself with things to do from time to time. I was obviously not as familiar with many of them as they were with eachother, but I couldn't complain about this; after all, I would have to leave them at some point anyways. But I could at least have this time.

Although I had difficulty keeping up with their discussion of modern culture and events, this I could chalk up to my ambiguous story of being from “elsewhere.” They did play blizzball from time to time, and in this I could at least excel. As I learned their names and stories, I tried to put it out of my mind that my time was slowly ticking down. That sooner or later I would lose them all, only to at best be forced to repeat the cycle that I had already done with Benji.

However, a sudden conclusion came to this saga, and unfortunately, a little sooner than I had expected. It helps to explain how things were in my time. In my time, synthetics were seen as simple machines that were barely aware of their surroundings. As we were sitting eating at a fast food diner, I commented on this in a way that I later realized reflected my out of date understanding. I realized my mistake as I got looked at strangely, and the table became quiet.

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In the time since I had first gone to sleep, synthetics had seemingly become a lot more developed, prompting a fight for social recognition. I wondered whether they had developed so much in so short a time, or whether they were already like this in the past, and people just not aware enough to understand it. I tried to apologize and was going to bring up my past as explanation for what I didn't know and that I was from a different time, but they seemed distant at that moment, and I realized that it would seem like an excuse.

I became aware over the next few days that I was now being viewed with more suspicion, and out of embarrassment and being unsure what to do, I started distancing myself. While I initially tried to smooth things over and got the feeling that I would have been able to if I had the time, I had realized that it would take longer to reestablish any kind of close ties than I had remaining, me now having only a few short weeks. So feeling discouraged, I returned to my room and spent the remainder of my time alone, reading Bunker Man comics.

On my final day, I wrote a message to send to them to explain my situation. But I never even delivered it. And as I returned to sleep, they disappeared from my life as quickly as they had come.

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Cycle Three

I awoke feeling demoralized. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do or even where to go. I spent the first few weeks inside, doing little except reading, watching movies, and using cyberspace. I thought about what it would be like to find a grand purpose for my life. But I scoffed at the idea. I could barely even find adequate interaction. Where would I find the time or motivation to do anything more? I didn't bother signing up for college classes this time around, not feeling up to it at all.

I spent some time with the doctors again, for testing. In my attempts to adjust to my new life, I hadn't even considered that they might find a way to cure me at some point in the future. But unfortunately for me, it turns out they still had not. Better luck next time, I suppose. Even in the time since the initial discovery of my case, few other cases resembling mine had ever come up, making it difficult for them to pinpoint a way to counteract it. It felt awkward talking to doctors who were much older than me subjectively, but who had not yet even been born when I first went under. And thinking back to the fact that many of the doctors I first talked to were now retired, if not dead. Generations come and go, while I remained the same forever.

I considered the angle of finally speaking to journalists in order to generate attention for myself. But its unclear whether that would even provide a route to real interaction at this point. And my story was far from new. I would be seen as nothing but a relic from the past. Something to speak on yesteryear, but who had no place in the present. It wasn't a life I wanted. If possible, I wanted to be able to convincingly pass for someone who was raised at the current time.

I couldn't be outdated. Not yet.

It took all my strength to try again, but I went out once more to a place to mingle. I found people my own age, but this time ended even more poorly than the last. I could barely understand the way they spoke, due to the evolution of the current slang and interests. And their cultural references meant nothing to me. Turns out Bunker Man was considered an old series now, not something people my age tended to be knowledgeable in. Who knew? Oh golf themed superheroes, we barely knew ye.

I could have tried again, but I was too discouraged. I didn't want to give up on life. But I didn't know where to go from here. I considered that if relationships weren't something easy to pursue, I could at least make an attempt to pursue interests that didn't require them.

It was a struggle to try at all. But I spent a few weeks considering what type of thing I might be looking for. I wanted to just lie down again and not have to think. But I knew this wouldn't be the best usage of time for me. For what standards of best even so longer applied. So I forced myself to make a choice to do something active. I looked through artistic classes, among other things.

Eventually, I opted to go on a hiking trip in the Meru Mountains. Not on my own, of course. I found a tour that would go on a several week journey through them, camping included. I thought that if I couldn't find myself in society, I could at least do some soul-searching in nature.

The truth is, I wasn't really one for nature in the past. I wasn't really sure why I was even doing this now. It was just an impulse decision. A way to look for a new activity to keep me from sitting and overthinking all by myself. Although, truth be told, it wasn't really my first choice. In part, I started to be afraid that I would run out of time without making a decision if I didn't make a leap of faith.

Showing up for the walkabout, I was pleased with the amount of other attendees. They were friendly enough, and while most were not my own age, I felt a sense of relief not having to worry whether the interaction would last; it being understood to be a temporary thing. They had a variety of cultural backgrounds as well, so there was less expectation of familiarity with the same types of things. Another boon. I was glad to not be the one who stood out here.

As we set out on the expedition, the group connected over the shared appreciation for the outdoors. Those with more experience shared stories of previous hikes, and those who were newer shared their motivations for coming. I myself did more listening than speaking, not wanting to delve too much into my personal story, but still happy to be in a continued social setting without having to worry about renewing it every day.

Surrounded by the beauty of nature, a lot of the concerns of society seem to drift away. In a situation such as this, issues of age or past felt less relevant. I knew that there were limitations to this. These people made no indication of suggesting they would want to keep in touch after the journey. But this mattered not. I wouldn't be able to anyways.

At the top of the mountain, I felt relaxed for the first time in a long while. From here, it felt like I could see out across the entire world. I was disconnected from it, true. But perhaps there could be a sense of beauty in that as well. Floating above it like an aerial being who is not constrained by anything. When we arrived, it was sunset. And the rays from the setting sun pierced across the sky like a ladder, reaching up as if to paradise.

But I realized now that it felt a bit eerie as well. Feeling a sense of peace from being untethered can also be a curse. It can be a precursor to drifting away. And in this case, it might take you down a path for which there is no returning. Entering into a day for which there is no tomorrow.

My attitude started to once again sour. And as we began the return journey, I became even more quiet than I was before. Though this time with a sense of sullenness as well. My attitude shift was noticed by my fellow travelers. Though after some prying and failing to get an answer from me, they chose to stay silent on the matter. By the tail end of the trip, I was responding in only one word answers. And in the end, parted from them with little more than a blank wave goodbye.

I stood at the edge of the bus station, reflecting on the fact that I had little reason to return to the place I was residing. There was nothing in that area in particular to keep me there over any other place any longer. The place I considered my home was not a mere location but a time as well. And it was a time I could not return to. Try as you might to return to the past; no one else is there any longer. You will do so alone.

I got back to the apartment I was staying in, and the door closed behind me, shutting out the sacred light. I was once again alone, cast beyond the bounds of time. I had hoped I would feel better from the trip. I suppose I did for awhile. While I was on it, at least. But it was not a permanent solution. I could do something else like it again, but I didn't have much hopes for it.

I still had a few weeks left, but I no longer felt the motivation to do anything. I sat inside, reading, and waiting for the time to run out.

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Cycle Four

I discovered a few days ago that Benjamin had died and that his wake was scheduled for today. I considered not going. After all, despite my recent memories of him, I was not someone relevant to his own later life. He likely all but forgot about me long ago. But in the state I was in, I figured it was better to pay my respects.

Wandering into the wake and looking around, I realized that none of the faces of anyone there meant anything to me. Of course, logically, I should have known this would be the case. But it was a heavy feeling, taking it in all at once. He had passed through an entire life, and in this life had long since passed me by.

Wandering up to the casket and looking in, his face did not look familiar to me. I stared at it, hoping for recognition, but at this point, it felt like a stranger. Someone who, if I saw on the street, I would have passed without even looking. Various people looked in my direction, wondering who I was, but I ignored their glances. It would mean little to them now to tell them. Or rather, I suppose I should say it would mean little to me. Perhaps it was selfish of me, but I realized now that I had no connection to the event at all. I found myself eager to leave as soon as I had come. All but running out in a panicked state.

Instead of going home, I found myself walking the streets, still in a daze. At this point, I was aware now that I was truly alone. It had finally hit me that there was no one left in the world I had a true connection to. And furthermore, that this had been the case for a very long time. There are those times, you know... where you think of someone you know... only to realize that they aren't really someone you know. Only someone you used to know. Your idea of your connection to them is only a distant memory. One you cling to, like a type of prayer. A way to populate your life-world with the phantoms of a memory long gone by.

I had been walking for several hours; I couldn't even say how many. I was no longer aware where I even was. But it didn't matter. My current home was not an anchor. I could hold to it for maybe a few more months, but it would make no difference. It would come and go like every other. I had no more reason to be there than to be anywhere else. I didn't even recognize the area around me anymore. It looked strange and futuristic to me now. And due to how little extent I could have in a given timespace, I would likely never be able to recognize a place again.

It was I who was a phantom. There was no way to catch up with a world that had already passed you by. I was a whisper of the past. I was nothing. I had nothing. And in the end, phantoms cannot remain forever. And it was time for my spirit to be exorcised from this world once and for all.

I thought about what it was I was really looking for, but before I knew what I was even doing, I realized I was looking upwards for buildings that would pierce the heavens, allowing me a way to flow through and leave behind the mortal world. As I looked around at the available options surrounding me, I began to check doors to see which one might have an easily accessible opening to the rooftop. After a few failed attempts, I successfully passed through one by acting casual as a resident passed the locked entry and held the door open to me. From there, I took a trip of two elevators. And all at once, I was at the top of the world.

----------------------------------------

I snapped out of the daze I had been resting in with my head on my knees. I don't know how long it was I was on the rooftop. I had left behind anything that would tell me what time it was. But it had been sunset at the point I had reached the top. And I had sat there as the sun went down, through the blue hours, and into night. I had been surrounded by night now for a long time.

Its not that I was still trying to make a decision, was it? I felt like I already had long ago. And that I just hadn't come to terms with it yet. But when you reach that point, it can be difficult to take that final step. I regretted now that I didn't spend my final day doing something enjoyable. But, in truth, I probably wouldn't have enjoyed anything at this point.

Walking to the edge of the building, I looked out out over the blue city. In this moment, it was beautiful to me. But it mattered little. The beauty of the ephemeral world was only a reminder that I had no place in it any longer.

I said my final goodbye. And then... I climbed over the protective barrier and onto the outside ledge.

I could see now the fall of several stories beneath me. A fall from this height would mean death. I steadied myself for a moment, thinking of whether there was any forgotten things I still wanted to complete before I left. But how could there be when, at this point, there was no one left to leave a message for? Everyone but me was gone. Sorry for keeping you all waiting, I suppose. Will I see you again... on the other side?

I closed my eyes. And I stepped forward off the edge. Like Lucifer cast out of heaven, I fall to the earth.

I kept my eyes closed. I didn't want to see the ground approaching. I didn't want to see my own final moments. Though I suppose my true final moments had actually come and gone long ago.

Many who survive a jump like this say that they regretted the jump after doing so. Truth be told, I felt a bit the same. But if I survived, I would have to return to the same life. I would have to wander the same empty world, stuck with this same choice. And I don't really know whether I would be capable of handling it.

I...

What did I want?

Did it matter anymore? At the end of everything? I can't take it back. I... I can't. I can't do anything!

I felt a rush of panic. But I realized eventually that something was off. I had been thinking it over for some time. Too long, in fact. I should have hit the ground by now. I don't think this building had any protective nets. So there's nothing that should have been stopping my descent.

With great difficulty, I opened my eyes again, blinking a few times in confusion. I was still on the top of the building. But I wasn't just standing on the edge. I was leaning over it, but not falling. I was confused at the position I found myself in. Uncertain of what it was that was keeping me in place. It seemed like it might be something behind me, latched onto my jacket, although I wasn't quite sure.

But I heard a voice behind me suddenly, and I gasped audibly in surprise.

“You know, Jonah, you're a hard one to find.”

I tensed up intently and felt a sense of shock, one that quickly transformed into fear. I didn't think there was anyone left in the world who knew who I was, so I had difficulty processing what was even happening. For a moment, I thought I might already be dead.

But... I wasn't. I couldn't be dead. My body still looked normal. I reflected on the fact that, while I was ready to die, I found myself afraid to be suddenly in the presence of an unknown entity. I lie now at a precipice with an unknown before me. And on the other side, an unknown behind me. And truth be told... I felt some shame at being found in this position.

“Lets get you onto some firm footing, yeah?”

I wasn't sure what to say. But then it hit me. I didn't want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop. And I didn't know how. But I would take something, anything, if it meant another opportunity to find my peace.

Sighing in resignation, I spoke back finally.

“Yeah... okay.”

Turning slightly, the figure behind me was in shadow, with the light behind them. They had been holding onto the back of my jacket to keep me from falling, and had a red strap and carabiner keeping both me and them up on the edge. Stepping back, and with their face still in shadow, they offered me a hand back onto the ledge.

Feeling sheepish, I took their hand, being pulled up.

I climbed over the fence back onto the ledge. With the rush over what had happened and all I had been through hitting me all at once, I collapsed onto the ground, gasping and in a panic. Now no longer numb, but feeling everything at once intensely, it became difficult to handle. I began to loudly cry, at this point no longer caring that I was seen and barely even registering my unknown watcher, who was standing silently behind me.

Gradually, though, I began to calm down. While my head was still racing, I began to return to the present, looking around me at tangible objects to feel grounded. I became curious about who it was that I was with, though of course the watcher was standing behind me, and so from this angle I could not see them.

I slowly sat up, sitting on my knees on the ground for a moment, and just breathed, initially heavily but more slowly over time. Though it took awhile to restore calm, once I had, in that moment, it was like my concerns had disappeared. I knew that I would have to face the world once again in time. But for now, I could rest. I was one of two breaths doing nothing but taking in the world in the solitary moonlight. Like we were frozen in time.

It is a funny thing to share a moment of intimacy with someone you know nothing about. But it can be comforting in a way. In that moment, there can be no judgment. It is a situation one will rarely find themselves in. When entrenched within the world, your relationships are always defined by particulars. What could it mean to have one that is unconditional? Even your family is only your family circumstantially.

But it occurred to me that this voidness was likely one-sided. Whoever this was, they knew my name. They knew where I would be. It was likely they knew a lot of other things about me as well. Had they been following me these last few weeks? Or... even more? Were they someone who could follow me across the decades?

A sense of fear was returning. But I realized it was the wrong thing to feel now. I wanted to begin talking. I had a lot I wanted to say or ask. But I couldn't find the strength to speak. In the end, I could only stumble out two words, speaking between gasps.

“...Thank you.”

I began to feel embarrassed. It was one thing to receive help for an external problem. But it felt like another one altogether to have to have someone save you from yourself. What does it mean for the story of your life if your salvation can only come from others? What does it mean to be me in general? Who am I? If someone else had to save me, I could have been anyone. Would it even make a difference?

I felt weak and on the verge of going into another spiral. How can one value themselves if they have no self to stand with? I knew it wasn't my fault, but...

But my reverie was cut short by a hand on my shoulder. Followed by clearer speaking than I had heard earlier.

“Don't be so hard on yourself. It's not a weakness to need help. Some people just aren't so lucky to get it.”

I was shocked that they could tell my thoughts so clearly. I could feel myself beginning to cry again. I wanted to believe the voice was right. But if so, it made me wonder what it was like to accept the inherent randomness of the world. That some people's stories may continue on or end, not because of their own doing but simply by the chance of external events. These were questions I hadn't thought on much before. And I wasn't sure I had the presence of mind to do so now.

But I could finally feel myself beginning to be more able to speak. Though I wasn't sure what to say. What could one even say in a situation like this?

“I'm sorry. I...”

I wasn't sure where I was going with this. So I changed gears.

“You know my name... who are you?”

The arm pulled back off my shoulder. But I dared not look back out of fear of offense, opting instead to wait for them to continue on. But I didn't have long to wait. They began to walk around in front of me. And though I was hanging my head slightly out of shame, I forced myself to slowly look upwards.

The sight I was greeted with was rather shocking. In fact, I suppose anything would have been at this point. But if you don't know what to expect, what does it even mean for something to be shocking?

The person in front of me was a normal girl who looked around my own age. Relatively speaking, of course. Her arms were partially in her jacket pockets, and nothing looked particularly striking about her, save for her blue hair, and the straps and carabiner she had used to hold me up hanging on her waist. I wasn't sure what I expected, but I was struck by the rather casual nature of her appearance. She didn't have the vibe of a mysterious assailant. But then again, I'm not sure why I thought she would.

But I didn't recognize her. At least, not as far as I knew. Her face didn't ring any bells. And her outfit, though I assume was normal for this time period, did not strike me with a sense of familiarity.

“Sorry, I... Do I know you?”

She shook her head.

“No. We haven't met yet.”

I was at a loss. At first, I considered that she might have just been a random passer-by. Or someone who lived in the building. But that couldn't be the case. She called me by name. She must know who I am. So her presence here can't be a coincidence.

“But... but you know me?”

She crouched down and poked me in the forehead.

“Yes, Jonah. I have been trying to find you for some time.”

I was bewildered.

“Sorry, I don't follow.”

She stood up again.

“Well then, let me tell you my story.”

“My name is June. A long time ago from now, I was diagnosed with a disease. When this happened to me, my life was destroyed. Everything I knew or cared about had to be left behind. This is a feeling I assume you understand. I don't need to explain to you how the disease works, because... well...

“You already know. You have also lived this life. And... that's why I'm here. I came here for you.”

Listening to her explanation, my eyes became wide, realizing what I was hearing. But I stayed silent to allow her to continue on.

“I woke up from hypersleep the first time, wondering what I should do with my life. After all, there's not much you can do when there's no one to tie you to a place or time. But... I discovered for myself a sense of purpose. I discovered that this disease had only been seen in one other person before me.

This... is you. I set out to find you in the hopes that I would no longer be alone. At that point I already wasn't leaving anyone behind. And there was no one else who would be able to appreciate my situation. Nobody... but you.

“I tracked you down in the hopes of meeting you. But I couldn't discover your exact whereabouts before my time ran out. As a task, it seemed daunting. In fact, I wasn't even sure if my waking period intersected with yours. So I went back to sleep. In my second cycle, I tried to learn what I could about your situation to see if I could adjust my time to yours. Learning what I did, I returned to sleep early to make an adjustment based on when I thought you would be awake.

“So then I was at the right time. But I needed to find the right place. I tracked down a former acquaintance of yours named Benjamin. But he hadn't seen you in some time and didn't know a way to contact you. And that was when I hit a dead end. I searched cyberspace to see if there were records of yours, but I couldn't find anything that would help me. For that entire cycle, I struggled, wondering if I would ever find you or even whether it would matter if I did.

“After all. I knew that even if I found you, that I...

“...

“I realized I could try to find where it was you had your hospital stays. But medical records are private, and even despite my reasons, I couldn't get access to them. But I was patient. I had time. I had to wait to see where I could find a chance to meet you.

“So I returned to sleep, and when I woke up, I did ultimately track down the hospital you were stationed in. But you had woken up a few weeks before me, and so I was too late to find you there.

“But eventually I had a lucky break. Today, at Benjamin's wake.

“The truth is, I wanted to go to pay my respects regardless. He talked a lot about you, you know, and how he lamented the loss of days gone by, but found it too difficult to call them back. I was going to wait to see whether you came. But it occurred to me when I was there that you may had gone already. And that its possible that they would not even recognize you. But I couldn’t give up so easily. I asked around, and I learned that his children had recognized you at the wake, looking upset and storming out. Though they did not have a chance to speak with you.

“I spent all day looking for you, until I found my way here. And by then, I realized in a panic that I knew what it was you were going to do. And that I had to hurry. So I ran up the stairs, all the while hoping I hadn't been too late.

"Because I can't... I can't lose someone like you again.

She stopped to wipe tears from her own face and smiled.

“Heh. Maybe that's selfish of me.

“But anyways. When I got to the top... I saw you. I had spent so long thinking I never would with my own eyes.

“...

“And well... I suppose that brings us to now.

"But... This is not the end. So...”

She crouched down to the ground again, to where I was still kneeling, and looked at me. “Tell me. How do you think the story ends?”

I looked up at her, shocked at what I had heard but not really knowing how to feel. I understood what she was trying to convey to me, but it seemed too optimistic for me to imagine anything that wasn't negative could even happen to me anymore.

I thought back to Benji. From my perspective, it had now been over a year since I had seen him. Though for him, it would have been far longer. I felt a sense of regret. Like I had now missed another opportunity I could never have back. A decision that took me away from something to which I could never return.

But that was life. With every decision comes a closing door on others. I had another opportunity now. But where did it lead? What was I even looking for? And how would I know when I found it?

I wasn't sure what to say. Eventually shaking my head slightly and speaking after a short pause.

“I... I dunno. The truth is, I haven't been able to think about the future for a long time. Living like this, its like... its hard not to think just in terms of day-to-day.”

She rested silently for a time, before speaking.

“You know what, I haven't really thought about past this point either. I spent so long wanting to find you that I never really thought about what to do after. But... if you are free... we could always figure it out together. You are not the only one who... feels alone.”

I reflected on this. I was hoping so much to see someone else as a source of salvation that I hadn't considered that they would have no more idea what to do than I would. That they would be sitting before me just as clueless and just as worried about rejection. But... maybe that was alright. There's a lot of stuff you won't know. It wouldn't be fair for me to expect someone else to have all the answers for my own problems. But it was still better to not have to work it out alone.

I smiled weakly. It was the closest I had come to a real smile in a long time.

“But we don't even know eachother. How can we know it will be okay?"

She thought about this for a moment. And then shrugged.

“We can find out. But it sounds better to have the chance, doesn't it?

"Although... I think you are wrong. We do know each other. We are the only ones who can.”

I looked down. I knew she was right. The truth is, I would have welcomed a connection with almost anyone at this point. But its not like the future of your connection to any one person is set in stone. Its something that has to be worked for. And in this case, we had reason to try hard. And just maybe, if we tried hard enough, it could offset some of what we lost.

“But what does it mean...” I asked.

“What does it mean that, in the end, I had to rely on someone else to save me? That I couldn't save myself?”

She stood up and shook her head.

“Maybe it doesn't mean anything. Maybe sometimes things just happen. Sometimes they are bad, and you have to work to fight against them. But... sometimes they aren't. And you can just relax... and enjoy the moment.”

I thought about what she said, looking at her, and then looked back out over the edge. It was true. Right now, I didn't feel sad or feel a sense of guilt any longer. I couldn't say what the future held. Or how well I would be able to handle it. But still... I wanted to be there to see it all the same.

I knew that there would be times when I would feel weak again. No story ever really ends. Feeling good right now doesn't mean that all sadness will fade forever. And there may come a day when it once more feels overbearing. But it wouldn't be today. And maybe... if I could get past it today... I could get past it again in the future.

She smiled herself now again and looked at me, offering out a hand.

“So how about it? Do you want to spend eternity together, you and I?

"We will be together forever throughout the ages, blinking as the world passes by.

“It will be lonely; make no mistake. But... you'll have me. And I'll have you.

"And I think... If we work for it... that can be enough.”

I was looking over at her while thinking, still kneeling on the ground. I was still filled with doubts about the future. And perhaps I always would be. But I was willing to try for it anyways. And I was willing to keep working to see where it would lead. I slowly stood up, smiled back, and then clasped her hand.

“To eternity.”

“To eternity.”