Sky fish floated listlessly in the cerulean heavens, casting blue and purple paths far above the busy world of man. There was always something peaceful about seeing a school of them above you. As if they represented the quiet sleep of Nirvana, beyond the chains that bind you to the material world.
Beneath them, the world was ever-active. While the ambitions of man have brought them to new heights, mankind's greed can compel them also to reach too high. This activity can deprive you of your rest. And this loss can deprive you of your peace. For you can never reach the end if you ceaselessly strive ever higher.
On the surface, on this particular day, three children giggled and chased each other through the park, their laughter echoing among the trees. These children were Anjana, Fatima, and Leilani, three girls who lived in the adjoining units that the park was connected to. These were not very expensive units, being a bit small and dingy, and not very close to the city center. But the benefit of a connected park often led some of these areas to having a small bit of community.
The children had various problems at their homes, Anjana most of all, but the connected park afforded them an easy place to escape from these. So often, they would try to spend as little time inside as possible and more time with their friends. Some of their parents often not bothering to keep tabs on them for large stretches of time after they returned from school. Though others would get antsy if they were gone too long, suggesting that they were inappropriately spending time on something that could be better spent on academics.
On this particular day, they were out playing hide and seek, but had gotten tired and opted to take a break for awhile, sitting down in a circle on the ground. They laid around talking about this and that, but nothing that would likely be remembered later on, being just another day that blurs into many others in the endless flow of youth.
But suddenly, Anjana began to feel uneasy for a moment and couldn't initially place what the source of it was coming from. Gradually, she noticed something out of the corner of her eye. A tall figure with long black hair flowing in the wind, a black longcoat, and a terrifying demeanor. The figure had been walking by the park, but had stopped for a moment to watch them silently.
Anjana slowly turned to look up towards the figure who had stopped to look at them. As she did, her eyes got brighter. She waved widely and then shouted.
“Mei! Come play with us!”
Mei thought about it for a bit, and then walked over to them.
“Hello, Ann, Fati, Lei. What are you doing?”
“We are playing hide and seek.”
“But there's only three of us. That's not really enough. No one else could come over today.”
“Did you ever play hide and seek, Mei?”
Mei looked up painfully and thought about it for a moment.
“I used to play hide and seek with my siblings sometimes. They would often get annoyed they couldn't find me and give up. Sometimes I would be sitting outside for quite awhile before realizing they weren't even looking anymore. Although... I don't think that was just about my hiding ability. I think sometimes they were deliberately picking on me by getting me to go out, just so they could get me to sit around by myself.”
“Your siblings seem a little mean.”
Mei made another sad expression.
“They certainly can be at times.”
“Mei, will you play with us? If you joined us, we can have four. You are free, right? You don't have any unimportant adult responsibilities, do you?”
Mei looked up at her unit. She was on her way home. But it's true that she didn't have anything pressing to do in the immediate sense. She wanted to rest because she had to go to the midnight sun tomorrow. But she could also use some company. She had a lot on her mind, and it was sometimes easier to take the distraction so that you could approach it later with a clearer head.
Mei looked back and shrugged, followed by smirking and speaking in a faux smug voice.
“See, I think I might be too good at hiding. I'm not sure it would be fair.”
“So cocky, Mei. Fine then. If you are so good, how about all of... the one of you versus the all of us? And we have to find you.”
Mei thought about this for a moment and about the memories of her family that the arrangement dredged up. She looked around.
“What, like right now?”
“Yeah, right now.”
“Hmm.”
“Okay then. You can all look for me. And you have to tag me at the end.”
She gestured around with her hands.
“The area can be the whole grounds.
“Okay, close your eyes and count. No peeking. Count to ten.”
They closed their eyes and began counting.
“One...
"Two...”
“I said no peeking.”
“We're not!”
"Yes, you are.”
“Eergh. How can you tell??”
“I can see you.”
"No, you can't. My eyes were barely open.”
“So you admit they were open?
“Eep.”
“Try again, for real this time.”
“Okay, okay.
“One...
“Two...
“Three...”
“Okay, you can open them.”
“Huh? Mei, that was only three.”
“Go ahead.”
The girls opened their eyes and then gasped, finding that Mei was nowhere around them. They looked in every direction, but there was no one else to be seen in the whole opening.
“What? Mei, how did you disappear so fast?”
A loud voice came resounding down from the top of the building.
“I told you you couldn't beat me.”
The girls all looked in the same direction, in unison, where the voice was coming from, on top of the building. They could see the shadow of a figure up above, slowly backing away.
“She's there! Let's get her!”
They start running for the stairs. The building itself went multiple levels up, so there was more than one staircase they would have to climb. Roof access to the building was generally always available, so they assumed they would be able to reach her. Some parents didn't like their children to go up on the roof, but it did have high railings, so it was not a super dangerous place for older ones.
“We are on the staircase; she won't be able to get past us.”
“Wait. But how did she get up then? There's no way she climbed all these stairs that fast.”
“Oh yeah.”
“I dunno. We can figure that out later.”
They get to the top of the building, pouring out onto the roof with palpable excitement. They look around, but the roof initially looks empty, so they spread out to look at the different corners. But as they searched the rooftop, their enthusiasm slowly turned to confusion. There was no sign of anyone at any part. They exchanged puzzled glances, wondering where Mei could have disappeared to. With the city skyline stretching out before them, they hesitated, unsure of what to do next.
“She has to be up here; we heard her.”
“Maybe she was somewhere else?”
“Could she have made it sound like she was up here if she was somewhere else?”
“Ahem.”
They suddenly all shot back around, looking behind them at Mei holding her arms up by the staircase. She waved and turned around to walk back down slowly. They ran to follow her, but as they passed the corner, expecting to see her on the other side, she already wasn't there, as if she had vanished into the ether.
“Ugh. Showoff Mei!”
They quickly ran down to the floor below and saw her all the way on the other side of the apartment walkway, still walking slowly. They were about to run after her, but Ann pulled them aside.
“We can corner her. One of you run down and go up the other side.”
Lei nodded and ran down to go around. They waited for a short period to make sure it gave them enough time, and then the other two chased Mei down the gallery. She turned the corner before they could get to her, but the corner led to the stairs, so they knew she would be trapped. They kept running, smirking as they did at their own cleverness. But when they got to the end, they bumped into a confused Lei, who was just as surprised as they were.
A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.
“Huh? Where did she go? There was nowhere else to go this way.”
They were suspicious now, feeling like she must be close. But before they could look around, behind them they heard the door to the stairs creak closed suddenly. They turned around to see Mei making a smug face through the window on the other side of the door.
“Push it open. She can't stop all of us.”
But though they pushed as hard as they could, even together, it wasn't enough to budge the door. As a taunt, Mei shifted to holding it with only one arm and made like to check the time, fake yawning in the process.
“Grr. She can't stop us. Everyone, give everything you have.”
They pushed even harder at the door, putting their heads down to use their full strength. And eventually the door flew open as they collapsed onto the ground on the other side. Slowly stumbling up, they looked around to see where she went, only to see that she was off the walkway entirely and back on the ground at the park out front.
“Oh, come on, how did she even get down there?”
“Did she jump off the side?”
“Okay, we need to work harder on this. We can't outrun her. We have to outsmart her.”
“Okay, I have an idea.
“Listen to this...”
----------------------------------------
Mei was sitting leaning with her back against a tree, her eyes closed. Visibly, she looked like she was resting and not paying attention. But the kids knew better. Mei always seemed supernaturally aware of what was going on around her, so it wasn't easy to sneak up on her, even if you walked slowly.
Mei listened for approaching footsteps. From one direction, she could hear two sounds approaching. Likely as some kind of trap. The third would stay quiet and come from the other direction. She waited until they got close, and then got up to run in the third direction. But when she did, she was surprised to see that in front of her, what sounded like two people was actually one holding a stick they were using to make noise a few feet to the side of them. And when she turned around to run, the third was already coming from that angle.
She smiled happily at seeing that the kids were clever enough to come up with a trick like this. In truth, she could have still evaded them. But she wanted to reward them for their cleverness by letting them think they won. So, putting on an act of shock, she began to run the third way, but acted confused about where to go, fake tripping over herself as if she didn't have time to figure out an exit strategy as they all piled on top of her.
“Heh. Okay, okay. I suppose you got me.”
The girls did a little dance around her.
“In your face, Mei. You thought you could beat us. But we showed you.”
Mei laid back and closed her eyes.
“Death comes for us all.”
The kids suddenly started grabbing her arms to pull her up.
“No, Mei! Don't die on us.”
“We can defibrillate you.”
“How do you defibrillate someone?”
“I dunno, just plug her into an outlet, that's probably good enough.”
“Good thinking.”
Mei opened her eyes slowly.
“I'm not sure that would be wise.”
“You're the one who's dead. You don't get to have an opinion.”
She slowly closed her eyes again.
“Ah. Carry on then.”
“You know what, she might be too far gone. Maybe we should just bury her.”
“Om Mani Padme Hum.”
“We commend her soul to wherever you put dead bodies, I don't know.”
“Amen.”
“I call all of her stuff.”
“Her jacket's not going to fit you.”
“I'll grow into it.”
“No way! You'll never be that tall.”
“I can wear it on the ground.”
Mei opened her eyes again slowly.
“I'd like to be buried in the jacket, if you don't mind.”
“Can we still dig it up and take it later?”
“We'll leave you a potato in exchange.”
At this point, all the girls collapsed into the laughter they had been holding back, and Mei began to laugh with them. She still had a lot on her mind, but it was good to let loose once in awhile. And there were certain things that adult company wasn't as likely to provide for you.
After this, they once again sat around for awhile, having fun talking about various casual things and movies they had seen. Mei had nothing else scheduled for the immediate moment, so she sat out for awhile with them. People in small, self-enclosed collections of buildings like this often had some degree of interactions with neighbors, or at least tolerated the idea that their children might. Though she did reflect on the fact that if she was male, this opportunity probably wouldn't be afforded to her so easily.
Gradually, Fatima and Leilani said they had to go home for dinner, waved, and walked off. But Anjana stayed there, sitting, and got more quiet. Mei initially tried to keep talking, but she could see that now it was no longer going anywhere. So she gradually got more quiet herself and just sat there next to her quietly, looking up at the sky fish.
There are moments of intimacy where a lot can be shared without speaking. And this was one of those times. Mei waited for awhile. But she knew that Ann wasn't going to start on her own and that she would have to herself. And there was no reason to wait. If she waited too long, Ann might end up being too afraid to speak and leave without ever doing so. She looked over.
“Is there something on your mind?”
Ann looked caught, like she didn't expect it to be apparent that she wanted to speak. But she did telegraph that she did, and she gradually came to be more open.
“I... I have to go to the temple again tomorrow. I don't want to go.”
Mei looked down.
“Ahh. I see.”
“I hate going there! All they do is harass me!”
Mei looked back.
“I know how that is. My family is the same when I go.”
Anjana looked up at her.
“Do you have to go there, Mei? But you're an adult.”
“Well, technically, they can't force me like they used to. But they still pressure me to go from time to time. In certain families, it's not easy to get out of it, especially if you still need something from them.”
“I hate it. I wish it was gone.”
Mei looked at her thoughtfully.
“Hmm.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Just thinking.
“Maybe... Maybe one day it will be. Wouldn't that be nice?”
“...Yeah.”
She leaned back.
“Well, I'm here for you. Tell me about it.”
“My family is always mean to me about grades and about how I look ugly. Last week, I got a ninety-three on my exam. Do you know what they said to me, Mei?”
“Your cousin got a ninety-four.”
“They told me it was unacceptably low. That if I got grades like this, I would be a failure and be unmarriageable. That nobody would want or love me.”
She suddenly burst out crying and put her head in her hands.
“Do you think... Do you think I'm not worth loving, Mei?”
Mei sat up with a more serious expression now.
“Of course you are worth loving. It's your family who has the problem. No one should ever say anything like that to someone they care about.”
“I spent a long time trying hard for this test. I thought they would be happy because I got an A. But nothing I do can ever make them happy.”
“I think... I think it's me they don't like.”
She started crying.
“No one will ever care about me.”
Mei rubbed her on the back.
“There are people who care about you. You have friends. And I care about you. And that's not all, either. You will find more people in time. It might be difficult to see this now, but your family are the ones who are misleading you by insisting you won't.”
She went on.
“The thing about family is that you are raised to think that your family will always be good to you. And if it's true, then well, that's good. But it's not always true for every family. Sometimes it's not even you they are upset at. Being harsh is all they know. All they have ever known. Many of them were raised the same way, and so they think of it as normal. And we, as their children, are left to be the ones to deal with it.
“I wish I could tell you that they will see their mistakes and change one day. And to be fair, maybe they might. But there's no guarantee that this will happen. You can spend your whole life waiting, but it only brings more pain if you do. You have to learn how to value yourself and to understand your own worth.
"Sometimes, when you are older, you may just grow out of touch with them because they never change. They will wonder why you rarely call. And they will still think that this is something about you rather than something about them.
“But... this is not the end. Nothing ever ends. For in every moment you die. And there is a chance to be reborn. To decide for yourself who you are going to be.
“In time, you can come to choose your own family. And when that happens, you can choose to only give time to those who will treat you with respect. And if they want to be one of those, you are the one who will be able to determine if they are worthy.”
“I'd like to offer you more help. But unfortunately, I have some things going on in my own life. But if you ever feel like you are in physical danger, you can call me. And I will make sure you are safe.
Anjana wiped some of the tears from her eyes.
“Thank you, Mei. That makes me feel better.”
She slumped her shoulders.
“But I still feel ugly.”
“I think you look pretty. Why do you feel ugly?”
Anjana's eyes lit up for a moment. But she slumped back down again and looked sad.
“My family says my skin is too dark. They say I look dirty. But I can't do anything about it. This is just how I look. I don't... I don't know what they want me to do. I can't change it.
Mei looked up into space. These were problems you expected to receive from others in society at times. But no one really talked about the fact that it wasn't uncommon to be mistreated over it by your own family. Funny irony when they, by being related to you, looked little different.
She tried to hold back her anger, and cleared her mind, trying to maintain a positive disposition and a face of solidarity as she looked down at Anjana.
“Well, you're not the only one. My parents too treated me badly for having darker skin.”
Anjana looked at her inquiringly.
“But Mei, your skin isn't dark.”
Mei held up her hand and turned it around a few times to look at it. It's true that her skin was only moderately tan. Though on account of her past, it had always seemed like a major thing to identify with.
“My family thinks that it is. My skin is darker than my siblings'. And they never directly complained about it to me, to be fair. But they would often praise my siblings for their fair skin. And they never praised me for my skin.
“When I was younger, I didn't really understand why. Once I was old enough to understand, I tried to get their attention to receive the same kinds of praise my siblings got. But it didn't work. It never worked. I even tried to use a skin whitener to appear more pretty to them. But that didn't work either. And I was full of a lot of self-hatred at this time. For denying my own self for approval, only to not receive any.”
Anjana listened thoughtfully. Then looked down sadly.
“I wish I had lighter skin. Then my family would be happy.”
Mei looked down at her sadly.
“That's not what you should wish for. Every skin tone is beautiful. It is your family's fault for not appreciating you. And the truth is... it probably wouldn't help. Some people have decided they are the kind of people who will never be happy. If it's not this, they will just look for something else to be harsh about.
“And all of this goes back to the same point. They may eventually understand what they did wrong and change one day. But they may not. And you can't spend your whole life trying to change yourself make them happy.
“I'm sorry, this is a lot to take in for someone your age. I wish you didn't have to learn about the cruel realities of the world yet. But... life is cruel to all of us.
“There are some things about people that they do need to change. But how you look isn't one of them. And what is important is to find people who will appreciate you for who you are. Not people who want you to hurt yourself to cater to their own image of who they want you to be.”
Anjana looked wistful.
“Thank you for talking with me, Mei. I have no one else I can share this with. I'm afraid to tell my friends, since I don't know if they will understand.
“I suppose people like us have to stick together. People whose families will be mean to us.”
Mei sat down next to her and looked up at the fish floating above in the endless sky.
“It's not just us. There are people who need help all over.
“But you are right. There are a lot of people who need people to look out for them. And who can't count on it from their family or their community. Everyone's problems are different. But if people are understanding and listen to them, then they can try to help work on it together.
Mei hesitated.
“I... I, too, am trying to help them. But the way I have to help is a little different. And dangerous. There is... a chance that I could die from it one day.
“So I want you to know... If I ever disappear without saying anything... It's not that I forgot about you. It's because I am in a place I can't return from.”
Anjana looked frightened, and looked up at her.
“But Mei, what do you have to do? Why is it dangerous?
Mei hesitated, and then looked down at her and winked.
“Sorry, I'm afraid that's a secret.
Anjana put her hands on her hips.
“Mei! You can't just say it's dangerous, but not tell me.”
“Sorry, it really is something I can't tell you much about. I don't mean to be secretive. But there's some things that I can't really share. It's for the protection of those involved.”
She smiled.
“But don't worry. I'll try to stay alive. Just for you.”
Anjana made a pouty face.
“If you die, I'll be mad at you.
Mei shook her head.
“Don't worry. I'd probably be a little disappointed in myself too. But I'll take it under advisement.
Anjana suddenly jumped on her to hug her.
“I love you, Mei. I wish I... I wish I had a big sister like you. Please don't go away.”
Mei hugged her back and smiled.
“But you do. I'm here for you if you need me.”
Anjana looked shocked for a moment. But then her eyes lit up, and she beamed real wide.
Mei shook her head and looked back down sadly.
“I'm sorry, though. I wish I could do more for you. But when the day comes that you need to stand for yourself, then... stay strong.”
Anjana climbed back and then stood up, getting ready to walk away.
“I know. Thank you for being there for me. I always wanted to be strong like you. But I think I can try. I won't give up. And if I have to, I think I will be able to carry on even without you.
“I don't know what you are doing, Mei. And I don't know why you say you could die, but... You need to believe in yourself too!”
Anjana looked at her with fire in her eyes.
“No one can stop you. You are invincible!”
Mei looked back at her, shocked, surprised that Anjana had turned the conversation back around on her. Smiling, and with tears beginning to well in her own eyes, she nodded.
“I will.”
Anjana waved at her, saying that she had to go now. Mei looked after her as she ran off. And then, after a moment to think, she turned around to walk back to her own unit.
----------------------------------------
Mei closed the door behind her, dropping with it her demeanor of strength. She could put on a brave face for others, but it wasn't enough to overcome the empty feeling inside. She thought about Anjana and her guilt that she couldn't do more for her. What could she even do? Being strong enough to physically intimidate her family wouldn't be enough to improve her life. It could even make it worse for her. And she wasn't in a position where she could try rescuing every child she saw until the temple guards bore down on her. She lamented about the fact that despite her strength, there were still times she felt helpless.
She sat down and put her head in her hands. She was on the verge of crying again, but remembering Anjana's words, she felt like she wanted to be strong for her, even if Anjana couldn't see. She came to think about the structures that give rise to abuse in general. And of the task she had undertaken to try to stop them. She closed her eyes to speak out loud.
“Take care of yourself at the temple, Ann. One day... we will never have to go again. Until that day, stay strong.
She looked up again to stare into space, as if into the depths of heaven.
“I know that this isn't all caused by you. Even if you were gone, this... wouldn't put an end to all abuse. The future keeps coming. And new problems with it. But we will keep working on them. And... maybe one day...
“...”
She stood up and walked out to the balcony to look up at the purple sunset, and at the floating fish that trailed through it. Though she felt weighed down by the struggles of the earth, she always felt a sense of freedom in the image of the unbound heavens. Dreaming of floating up into the sky in an act of effortless action, becoming all at once one with the Tao. And with Tian up above.