Mei laid on the treatment table for her injuries, with the now-idle robotic medical arms hanging over her. The injuries she got earlier in the sea of possibility may have put her out of commission for longer if this was further in the past, but dealing with blood loss and non-critical bullet wounds was something you could come back from pretty quickly if you had access to decent facilities in this day and age. Not every injury was fixable, of course, but for something like this, you might be tired for awhile and maybe not perfect for a few days, but lasting damage would be minimal if treated properly.
She held up her left arm to look at it. Nothing lasts forever, she supposed. If she lost it, a replacement would be able to replicate its functions, but it likely wouldn't be quite the same. She would be quick to adapt, though. It's not like she processed the continued being of her body with a sense of stability anyway.
But... no. She shouldn't think like that. Not anymore.
She looked up at Ngoc Aprils, the punk rock doctor. Ngoc was the only other one in the room. Although Isaac was worried about her, and despite her not considering his presence for procedures like this a bother on account of his orientation, due to the potential need of states of undress for medical procedures, he left her be while she was in the lab on account of privacy. Ironic, considering some of the places she frequented, but some things you don't want to make a whole thing about unnecessarily.
Mei sat up to get ready to go and put her shirt back on. Ngoc finished writing something at her desk and then scooted her way over to her on a chair, holding a clipboard.
“Everything else looks pretty good. Physically at least. We were able to patch up your injuries without issue.”
Mei stared ahead.
“Alright.”
She thought it over and then looked over.
“What do you mean... physically?”
Ngoc tapped her finger on the side of her head.
“I think you already know what I am going to say about that.“
Mei looked down and closed her eyes.
“You are too tense, and it is going to keep you from recovering as well. You should try to relax more.“
“It's true though. Being tense and stressed is going to affect your recovery.”
Mei looked away sarcastically.
“Gee, I never considered this.”
She thought over it.
“Sorry. Just... its not always easy. I'm trying.”
The doctor leaned back.
"Well, I know there's a lot placed on you. And I can't really say anything about that. You have to handle more than anyone. And it might not be fair how much people are counting on you. But if you need it, you should still take some time off. Or at least do something relaxing.”
Mei stood up and grabbed her jacket to walk out.
“Relaxing, huh? I'm not sure I know what that is. But we'll see.”
She walked out of the operating room. Down the corridor there were several windows over which you could see several unlit city buildings, looking like black silhouettes. In this day and age, cities had begun to spread out more than they had used to be. Rather than being all clustered together, cities and satellite cities began to blur together, leading to various chunks of city spread all over the larger metropolitan area and even deep into the cyburbs. This had several purposes. Both to try to spread out centers of art and culture, as well as to reduce traffic. Not even evil overlords want to be stuck in traffic.
The facility they were in was rather small. Most of the hideouts used by techno-gnostics had to be by design because there was always a possibility they would be raided. After the operation, many of the operatives split and went either to different hideouts or dipped so as to reduce the numbers in one place. But Mei needed to have her injuries tended to, this being something difficult to do on your own. And wherever she went, Isaac tended not to be too far behind.
Mei glanced in at the common room as she walked by. Several people were waiting here, some still with wounds waiting to be tended to, leading to quite a bit of blood spots on the floor that would need to be cleaned later. Mei sometimes felt guilty that she was almost always tended to first, unless someone had more immediately life-threatening injuries. She wasn't even particularly close to a lot of the people here. Perhaps this was by necessity. Because as time went on, many of them would likely vanish. And the act of clinging can be a dangerous fetter. Though there was also a more practical reason for this. Because being seen together with too many of them could give up your connections.
Captain Jack saw her come out of the operating room to the commons and quickly rushed over to give her a quick debriefing, although a longer one would have to wait til tomorrow. At the moment everyone was tired, and this was not super time-sensitive on account of the fact that the temple was unlikely to try anything again today.
She was thirsty, though, on account of losing blood. So after Jack eventually finished his explanation and wandered off, she went to the water machine by the window that had fake palms over it and got herself a large cup. She finished it in one sip and then thought about it, eventually getting a second and third and doing so in the same way. The fourth she filled but carried with her.
She looked for Isaac because she knew he would be worried about her and was likely sitting around due to him having already packed away all the mission equipment he was using. She found him in the corner, looking small and worried, sitting on his white jacket. Isaac always wore a white jacket, contrasting Mei's black one, giving them a yin-yang appearance when they were on missions together. She always wondered how he managed to keep it so clean, despite the color. As if he moved around lightly and softly and could just kind of gently push away any potential irritants that could stain it.
While Isaac presented as calm and serious whenever doing anything practical, he still had a fairly boyish demeanor when it came to personal matters on account of his artificially stunted growth. This was something he tried (and often unsuccessfully) to hide from others, but he was always more open with Mei, seeing her as the closest thing he had to family. Mei, in turn, was happy to have someone to be close to because there were also things she didn't feel she could share with anyone else.
Isaac looked somber, like he was thinking and looking off into the distance. But he looked up when he heard her coming, with a concerned look on his face.
“Mei. Are you okay? You were bleeding when you came back.”
“I'm fine. Ngoc patched me up. I was barely bleeding anyways.”
“Make sure to drink a lot of water.”
Mei stood there a little annoyed, still visibly holding the cup of water she had brought over here with her. She sat down on the table opposite him.
They sat there in silence for a long time, thinking over the conversation they had had earlier. But now that they were back, it felt awkward to bring it up again. Isaac opted for a more vague question in its stead.
“So what was it like in there? On the other side.”
Mei thought over what she had seen there.
“The esoteric space around the compass wasn't just abstract data like we thought it would be. There was a whole city inside of it. Surrounding the compass was some type of facility that looked like it was formed based on some kind of unconscious awareness that it was important. And surrounding this in the city, it looked like actual people were living there, totally unbeknownst to our world.
“It felt like... at some point the people there became aware that their world was unstable and was falling apart. That they were living through an apocalypse. But from where they were, they had no ability to do anything about it. It looked like there were people running around, causing destruction in their despair. But by when I got there, they were all already dead. And what little was left of the city itself was dissolving.
“It was... sad. Seeing evidence of so many people being carried towards a fate they were likely powerless to stop. It makes me wonder. Had we found out about this space earlier, would it have been possible to save them?”
Isaac listened and then looked down with a somber expression.
“It's hard to say. If we don't know the full properties of the space, its unclear whether they would have been able to be brought back to normal space. But... we can't think of it as on us. We didn't even know of the existence of this space before now.”
Mei looked at him. Then leaned back and closed her eyes.
“I suppose that's the difficult part of being in a position like this. In the end, you can't always save everyone. You might always wonder what you could have done differently and whether you are accountable for it. But you can't dwell on it. You have to move forward. Because if you aren't there the next time, even less might be saved. And you won't be there if you are crippled by indecision.”
She opened her eyes and looked up.
“Seeing this world made me think a bit more about my own life. How I value it. What it means to struggle. For others. For yourself.
“...
This book's true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.
“Sorry. I am still sorting through my thoughts. It can be hard to speak when they are so new. But I promise we will talk about it later.”
Isaac looked back.
“I understand.”
They sat there for a while quietly. The truth is, it was always hard on her to sort out her thoughts when Mei had a new realization about herself. And the overpowering emotion felt like it made her brain short-circuit for awhile. It felt like a delicate balance was being disrupted, as if the pieces of her identity were shifting and trying to find a new arrangement.
She looked at Isaac. She could tell he was worried about her, but that his worry came with a sense of relief. At least for the time being. She smiled to herself, feeling happy for this unspoken vote of confidence. This was something she needed.
But eventually she felt his thoughts trail off. She could tell that there was something else he was perturbed about. But it seemed to be a new feeling. He didn't have this expression earlier today.
Mei looked back at him.
“You also look like you have something on your mind.”
He hesitated a bit, surprised momentarily that she could tell what he was feeling. And unsure if he wanted to talk about the things that were bouncing around his head.
“Heh. I guess I can't keep secrets from you.”
He thought about it for a moment to sort his thoughts.
“I talked to Captain Jack a bit about relationships earlier while you were on the other side. It's still something hard for me to talk about. Even here, I mean. Like, I know people here won't judge me. But there can still be a sense of embarrassment and alienation in being different. And this is still a new situation for me.”
He looked at Mei for a reaction, and from her expression saw that she was waiting for him to continue on.
“It's not going on dates with guys itself that feels awkward. I mean, maybe a little. But you know. It's moreso talking about it to anyone else. You can feel self-conscious talking about things that mark you as too different from their experience. Even if they don't make a big deal about it. Because you know that someone somewhere would.”
He looked down.
“I dunno. I don't really have a point. I mean, I knew I was gay a long time ago. But it was different then. Since it was more of an internal thing. When the time comes where you have to actually choose to act on it, it feels different. Socially, that is. Especially if it is hard to make sense of your own identity due to being in a different role than other boys would be in a relationship.”
He shook reflexively a little and looked nervous.
“I suppose I also feel a little petty thinking about this right now. After all, we are in a life-and-death situation. But that is part of why it feels more important to address than it did back before I got involved. I'm just kind of... worried what if something happens before I get it sorted out. And I feel like I need to do so just in case. Like it wouldn't be validated in my life if that didn't happen.
“You... get what I mean, right?”
Mei put her hands open side down on the table and thought about it for a moment.
“I feel you. You're not the only one. I had a similar crisis of identity when first deciding if I really wanted to go on a date with a girl for real, rather than just keeping it in my head. I don't think you have to worry about whether this is the right time to think about something like this, though. Because live or die - if you are going to die, it is better to die being true to yourself.”
She gestured around the room.
“After all, that is what all of this is for, isn't it?
“Something helpful to keep in mind though is that no one ever gets it all sorted out. Not all the way. Life is a process of self-discovery and recreation. And even things you aren't fully aware of are still part of you. You already began the journey. And the self only exists in the process of journey. Process and reality.”
She held up her hands, palm upwards, and looked at him intently.
“Besides, there is a more practical reason to work out your sense of self also. Because your social identity is also tied to your existential self-identity as a distinct person. And the more you feel like you don't have a sense of your own self, the more it can lead to dissociative experiences. The self is a construct born from overlapping identities, and it is important to have a grasp on what your identity is. Because if you struggle too hard with this, you can start to feel hazy, like you don't exist. And this can be a problem when in practical situations where you need to be centered.”
She paused and then looked to the side, embarrassed.
“Err... hypothetically speaking, of course. I wouldn't know anything about that.”
Isaac looked at her suspiciously.
“I wish you wouldn't talk about dying so casually, Mei. It makes me suspicious when it is you that is doing it.”
He looked back to the side.
“But I'm afraid I can't let you die just yet. So forgive me for making sure you stay alive awhile longer.”
She closed her eyes.
“I guess I will stay alive then. Just for you.”
He thought more about what she said for awhile.
“What about you, though? If someone is fully gay, they have to face the reality that their family will unavoidably find out at some point. Unless they cut them off, that is. But I never really thought about what it would be like to be in the middle. Some people act like it means it's easier to hide. But I suppose you have different problems of your own.”
Mei thought about it for a moment.
“Obviously it isn't quite the same for women, much less ones who are only half gay. Since that is one of the more socially acceptable combinations. But it can still come with a lot of self-doubt. Like a feeling that it is a decision that once you make it changes who you are. And it can feel at first like something that once you do, you can never take back. But at some point you realize you have to just embrace it. To be who you need to be. It is a leap of faith.
“A lot of people do assume that it makes it easier that its something you can hide. But its not as simple as that. A lot of studies actually show that bisexual people have worse mental health on average than gay or straight people. And there are a variety of reasons. Some of it ties to how if you do alternate what types of relationships you have, you can feel like it is a recurring change in identity. And it can be difficult to know what identity to express to others if it feels like continually coming into a new one. And a lot of bisexual people even get harassed, even by gay people, because the latter assume they have it better than them. So it can feel like being on edge from both directions.”
Isaac thought about it, then looked down sadly.
“Hmm...
“I suppose people are willing to hurt each other all over. It's sad knowing that even people who are in similar situations to you, you can't always trust.”
He looked down somber for awhile.
“I didn't really think of it at the time. But it is true. Even when dealing with them legally later on, I never figured out why my parents did what they did to me. But I have some suspicions. I think they may have suspected, even at my young age, that I was attracted to other boys. And this might have been part of their motivation to keep me from what they saw as corruption. If I never aged into the real world, that would never become an issue for them or for their image of what they wanted me to be.
“That may have not been all of it. But I suspect it was at least some of it. It's hard knowing that you will never know. I could contact them to see if I could get them to admit, but... there's probably no point at this point. You just have to live sometimes without closure. Wondering that maybe had you done something differently, things would have turned out different. Something you hid better. Someone you told.”
Mei shook her head.
“Sometimes closure never comes. You have to learn to make your own peace.”
She pointed at him.
“Besides, something you did did get you out of it. Had you never talked to me, I would have never known to come back for you. And had you not discovered what they were doing on your own, you might have been unwilling to leave.”
He looked down and smiled weakly.
“Yeah. I suppose so. I was lucky you came when you did. If they kept erasing my memory every time I found out, then finding out once wouldn't necessarily be for good.”
“Some things have to be done multiple times before there are results. What is important is to keep working at it.”
“Heh. You're one to talk. Mei, you sound like a self-help book.”
“N-no.”
Mei quickly tossed the pamphlet she was holding over her shoulder and adopted a caught expression. She tried to hold the expression, but she found it hard to without giggling slightly, and as she did, they both started to break into a genuine laugh, ending up smiling. After this had subsided, she breathed in to continue on.
“But it's true. Your family is supposed to be there to help you maneuver these types of situations. But this help isn't something everyone is lucky enough to have. I wasn't stupid. At the point I first went on a date with a girl, in order to explore these feelings, I made sure to keep it secret from them, knowing how they would react if they knew about it. And at this point, while I did still try to placate my family and try to work out a relationship with them, I had already accepted that there were certain things that I would never be able to tell them. This girl didn't end up working out. But from the experience, I came to understand that how I felt wasn't a fleeing feeling.
“Some time after this, I had gone on a few dates with a guy instead, enough to be willing to bring him home to let my family meet him. I was less worried about bringing home a guy than I was about the prospect of bringing home a girl. I hadn't considered at the time that there might still be a problem with my family even on this front. At least not any more than that, I knew they acted like dating itself was a waste of time when you should be studying. Which they then expect you to follow up with by coming home with a high-quality partner later on, without any experience or guidance on how to get one. Or even any clear indication on what their standards of high quality are. Which is... not an uncommon story.
“But contrary to my expectations, they got angry all the same, on account of claiming he was the wrong race. This had confused me at first, due to him not even being a significantly different race than my family. But this was when I learned just how strict their arbitrary standards and prejudices would be.
“Things didn't work out with this guy either. And at the end of it all, I felt even more dejected. Realizing now that no matter what path I went down, they were likely to never approve. I had no intention of allowing them to handpick someone for me like they wanted. But I knew by that point that they would likely turn up their noses at basically anyone I tried to be with besides this.
“This is the point when I realized that there would come a time when I had to simply openly conflict with them about my own life path. Although I was single again at the time, and I knew that if I dated again I could keep it a secret if I had to, I had to be prepared for the reality that if something ever became long-term, it could not stay a secret forever. And that if a day ever came where someone of either sex was going to transition into a life partner, I would have to stay strong about the abuse from my family that would likely come with it.
“When I realized this is when I started feeling like it was important to get a sense of my own identity.”
She reached up to the bisexual flag patch that was on her jacket to run her hands over it.
“So I got a patch that I could pin to my clothes as a sense of self-expression.”
She closed her eyes.
“Although, full disclosure, even now I am a little too cowardly to wear something like this around my family, even though I doubt they know what it means.
“To me, the flag has a kind of bonus meaning relative to some other people who might identify with it. Because while many might have to struggle to assert their right to date the same gender freely, because of my family, I couldn't even date the opposite gender freely. And not even because of my family's views on dating in general, but because their uptight choosiness of who they considered an acceptable partner. You know, even now they think they are still going to choose a partner for me? And they think if they just say it confidently enough, I will just go along with it.
“But the flag is... not just for me. I also wear it for the sake of others. So that any dejected child who sees it can know that they are not alone.
“As for my family, nowadays, I try to just avoid most of them. Though obviously I can't all the time. I have to maintain contact because... you know.”
Isaac dutifully listened, thinking over the monologue as if from an older family member he trusted and wanted to learn from. On account of his disjointed growth that took place in what should have been formative years, he often did a lot of code-switching depending on conversation. When dealing with mission-sensitive things, he had years of experience and so talked in an air of competence. But when maneuvering the social world, he often talked a bit more young and docile. Often valuing Mei's input like a helpful older sister who had walked these same paths long before.
He held the back of his hand up to his mouth, speaking over it.
“I suppose it is a kind of issue of trial and error. My family isn't holding me back physically anymore. But their influence will likely weigh on me for a long time.”
“No doubt they will. Like a haunting specter. But that is life. You have to dialectically work through your own exorcism. To get past the dragon that lives inside your head.
“But... you don't have to do it alone. It helps to find the people who can aid you on your journey. Just be careful who you open up to. Not everyone will be helpful. Not even in communities designed for that kind of thing.
“When it came to pride-related stuff, originally I was not particularly interested. I considered the flashiness of parades to be ostentatious. And much of what happened there to be rather unpleasant. But I think I am more understanding of their purpose now. Community is how people find others like them. And it is through doing things like this that you obtain the power to resist being stepped on. Isolated people are in no position to resist.
“I still can't say I think all of it is positive. But that too is dialectics. Find who you need to find. Be who you need to be.”
Isaac thought a bit about her words. Although Fusang was not very friendly to this type of thing in the wider sense, pride parades were technically allowed, and officially the members were not harassed for going or partaking. However, like with all things, there is an addendum. Because while the parades themselves and associated activities were not banned, for someone from that angle to lay a challenge on the social order itself could land them in hot water. And so it was not uncommon for certain people too deep into the more radical forms of it to be disappeared from time to time.
He sat up straight.
“I think I get it. I feel a bit better now, thanks.”
Mei leaned back.
“Heh. And here just a few hours ago, you were acting like the strong one.”
He looked down shyly.
“I suppose that is what people are for. To be there to account for each other's weaknesses.
“I'm still going to hound you to talk later, you know. About your stuff, I mean.”
“I'll be counting on it.”
They sat there for awhile longer, moving on to speak on less serious matters. More relaxed now after talking, and feeling like their outlook had improved. They were unaware of what would come next, but felt glad all the same that for the moment it was quiet. But as it was growing late, gradually they got up to leave, as most people involved with the mission were not going to stay at this hideout overnight.
Mei walked out with Isaac. As she did, she thought about it, and then, as a conscious effort, smiled and waved at Captain Jack. He did a double take, but then stared back stunned, because this was something that had never happened before. He spoke to himself out loud.
“Heh. I suppose all things can change.”