Thao stood in front of the locker looking at it nervously. After Mei's idea, she had been interested in the suggestion of meeting here at the Midnight Sun, thinking it might be a useful way to learn about herself and her feelings about her own body. It felt odd. Even though she had just met her, something made her feel like she could trust Mei right away. And this is part of what made her feel like it was okay to come to a place like this. No way she would have thought of it without someone trustworthy around. Though it's true that now that she was here, she still had some reservations.
She looked up.
“I'm still a little Jittery about this. I've never been to somewhere like this before.”
Mei was next to her undressing.
“It can be a bit nervous at first. I think it is for everyone. It definitely was for me. But when you get used to it, you start to realize that it feels freeing in a way. Being unconstrained by limits and expectations. Existing outside of the constraints and identity society places on you.”
“Identity?”
“Maybe that one is just me.”
“Well... it's not just that. Society isn't kind to people like me. Especially not where I came from. With today's technology, it is easier to pass off how you want to be seen. But few people have seen me well... exposed like this since I started living like this. And that has been many years.”
Mei leaned back.
“You know, it's not too late. We can go somewhere else if you are uncomfortable.”
Thao closed her eyes and thought about it.
“No. This is something I want to do. I've spent a long time afraid of discovery. But I want to learn to live without fear. To freely live as who I am. And to feel that people can accept me for that. I know that many will not. But I've been rejected once already. And I want to learn to carry myself despite this.”
She shuddered a bit.
“Though I have to admit, I am still worried about how people might react.”
Mei held up her hand to speak.
“Well, I think you will be pleasantly surprised how open places like this can be. Places like this aren't perfect, and some people do get hassled in them. But it will likely be different than you are used to. This isn't a place for the dogmatic, so you will likely come out with more positivity than negativity.”
She shrugged.
“And besides, no one will mess with you when you are with me.”
Thao looked up at Mei. Thao was a little tall for a girl on account of how she was born, but Mei would have been considered tall for anyone. And she definitely had a scary appearance. While Mei had a fit body type that showed visible signs of having seen a lot of combat, it was her face that came off most frightening. Something about her expression came off like underneath it was an endless void. And it came off unsettling even to Thao, who had been in many a scary situation. But despite this, Mei's demeanor came off in some ways the opposite. Thao felt like she had a deep wellspring of caring. And was someone she could share anything with, despite having just met her.
Thao thought about the nature of humiliation in general. It's true; if she really wanted, she could probably take a lot of the people who might mock her in a fight. But not everything is about fighting. And when you are vulnerable, even people who might not be a physical threat to you can demean you. Because you can't resolve everything with violence. And with the weight of society on their side, it's not always easy to handle the weight of it crushing down on you from several directions at once.
But this too was a chance to learn. They came here to join Mei's crusade. And if she was going to trust Mei with her life, she figured she should also be willing to trust her about how to handle the possibility of being mistreated in public. She was a bit worried. But truth be told, she was also kind of enticed about the idea of coming here. She never did anything like this before. And it had an empowering feeling.
Mei stood up, and Thao looked up at her. Mei was now mostly naked other than for her shoes. But she had a large bag over her shoulder.
“Also, I talked to Huishen about something. I have a surprise to show you later. Something that may be a confidence booster.”
“A surprise? What is it?”
“Well, it wouldn't be a surprise if you knew what it was.”
“I...”
Thao made a pouty face.
“I guess.”
She looked down and smiled.
“But thank you. It means a lot to have someone who cares about me. Other than Huishen, I haven't had anyone who did in a long time. I suppose partially it was by choice. But I was afraid. To show people how I really am. Afraid of rejection.”
Mei shook her head.
“Sometimes people have to hide parts of themselves by necessity. There's no one-size-fits-all solution. But few people can be happy hiding all the time. The truth is, there are a lot of things I hide from everyone but Isaac. And Tian knows, I keep my family on a need-to-know basis. But it's painful. And it feels good when I can find people to share with.”
She smiled.
“But I'm glad you are here too. Because more people to share with always helps.”
She started walking and waved for Thao to follow.
“Come on, we don't want to take all day.”
Thao looked forward.
“Alright.”
She breathed in for a moment to build up the courage and then quickly took off the rest of her clothes.
----------------------------------------
This was the moment of truth. Thao's heart was beating heavily, now that at this point she was only wearing socks and shoes. They were still inside the walkway and so hadn't really been seen by people yet. She put her hands on the door to the main courtyard. And hesitated.
She looked to Mei, who had a face of encouragement, and nodded back at her. And felt strengthened by this. And so she pushed it open to walk through. On the other side, she held up her arms as a sign of taking in the newfound freedom that she felt. As if pushing through to something difficult.
And... that was it. There were some people on the other side close by. Some looked over with confused stares to see what she was doing. Some were confused by her appearance and looked down. There were a few dirty glances, but none of them did or said anything beyond that. She felt almost disappointed. She felt like it was going to be a big thing to do. But in the end she realized that this was a place where it was normal. So naturally there would be little reaction at seeing just another person walk through the door.
Mei laughed.
“See? No one cares. Was it everything you ever dreamed?”
Thao hesitated a bit to think about it.
“You know what, it kind of is.”
She thought for longer.
“It's almost a sense of relief. I never thought that it was possible that people could just see me and not really care about what... who I am.”
She donned a more natural smiling expression.
“And even besides that, sometimes you just worry how you look in general, you know?”
“Well, come on. I know where there is food here. There is a place called Cafe Lewis here where Isaac should be waiting for us already. And I am incredibly starving.”
They walked across the courtyard. As they did so, as she often did, Mei looked around at the people who were sitting in it as they walked by. Mei was often interested in seeing who was around her and whether they had any interesting stories to tell. In one corner was a guy who looked like a shady type. He had an eye patch and several scars and was looking around suspiciously as if he had a criminal past and was concerned someone might scrutinize. Mei wondered what this past might be, but at any rate there was no reason to try to accost him.
She looked around again. At another table there were two women who looked like they were doing some type of papercraft. Mei was always naturally interested when seeing people do art, being an artist herself. But being also fairly aloof with people, she normally didn't end up speaking to them, and sometimes regretted it later. These ones seemed to be making small people shapes. She wondered what they were being used for. But she supposed she would never know.
On the opposite side of the seats, there was a group of people of mixed sexes playing nude blizzball next to the outdoor pool. Mei had never played before. She wondered how good she would be at something like that, on account of her aptitude. But she had never particularly been into that kind of sport. When she was younger, she played a few sports for a while but never kept up with it. The main athletic thing she had done during that time being mainly swordplay.
At the far side of the pool, she saw a grey cat sitting on the ground. She had seen this cat here before from time to time, but it did not seem to be officially owned by anyone here and did not have a collar. Potentially a stray cat that just moved in of its own accord and domesticated itself. She felt a little jealous at the ease it seemed to have in finding a place it fit in. She stopped and bent over to pet the cat for a few moments before moving on.
But while still petting the cat, Mei suddenly felt a somber air. She looked over to the direction it was coming from and saw the man from the old couple she had seen here last time she was here. But now the man was here alone. And his demeanor had changed. Mei paused for a moment, realizing what this meant. Thao looked back at her, wondering why she had stopped so long without speaking. Thao looked over at the man Mei was looking at but did not see the significance of him. She looked back at Mei.
“What?”
Mei paused for a few moments, looking at the ground.
“Nothing.”
They continued on longer until they got to the restaurant, walking through its wide doors. On the inside, it was fairly populated. Not quite full, but there were a decent amount of people strewn about in various clusters, sitting and standing. Thao was shocked, having never been around so many naked people before in so close a vicinity. Being more crammed together than the people in the courtyard had been. But true to Mei's word, nobody hassled them. And not many even looked in her direction. There was something kind of freeing about the thing you were afraid of being something that falls unnoticed.
They heard a voice call out to them.
“Hey Mei, over here.”
They looked over to see Isaac waving and making noise to catch their attention over the loud sounds of the populated dining area. Mei winced slightly on seeing him. Since she viewed him like a little brother, she wasn't totally comfortable with the idea of seeing him undressed. Though he had been here with her before, and so it wasn't the first time. Isaac, on the other hand, on account of his inclinations and having a different way he was raised, didn't really think about it. Women's bodies didn't particularly interest him in the first place after all.
They walked over to sit with him, and Mei put her bag down next to the table, sitting on Isaac's side. Isaac absent-mindedly looked at Thao, who was still standing, and then looked down slightly, making a slightly shocked expression.
“Oh. I didn't know you were...”
He stopped himself from commenting, but not quite fast enough. She held up her arm in an antagonistic stance.
“Hey, you got a problem with that?”
Isaac suddenly looked awkward, like he wasn't sure what to say next.
“No, I... I just didn't...”
He thought a moment, then made a sarcastic expression, pointing back.
“I mean, I have a problem with you personally, just not for that reason.”
She pointed at him.
“Hey, you wanna go?”
Mei stepped in before the semi-playful banter got any worse. She regretted slightly not mentioning this about Thao ahead of time. This was something Mei could determine at a glance, but Isaac would most likely not have been able to.
“Look, I know you got off on the wrong foot, but I think it's better to get over that now, so it doesn't cause problems in the future.”
They both went silent. What she said wasn't that complicated, but somehow Mei saying it carried a tone that instantly deflated their desire for antagonism. Neither of them was willing to go against her. And they felt a little embarrassed suddenly to be antagonistic with each other in her presence.
Thao looked to the side.
“Sorry. I was just a little annoyed that you could beat me so fast. I kind of wanted revenge, and you weren't paying attention at the time.”
Isaac was silent for a moment.
“Well, I'm sorry too for acting aggressive about it. And for ah, acting shocked.”
He went silent for a bit, thinking back on the conversation he had had with Mei shortly before meeting them. And realizing something else.
“I think its not just that though. I suppose I felt a little threatened at someone new intruding into what I considered our space. Even though we work with other people, that is a little different. Its a bit weird to say, because I am technically older than I look. But My past feels like another life. And since leaving it behind it has only ever really been me and Mei. Not to say I don't know other people. But they don't really feel like family. There are certain things they wouldn't be able to understand.”
Thao looked suddenly more somber and understanding.
“I get it. This is how it was for us too. And its true. I probably would have felt jealous if I felt like anyone was threatening my connection to my guardian. Though truth be told there are things even I don't know about him.”
She leaned back.
“But don't worry. I will try not to be disruptive. I don't want to steal anything from you.”
As she said this, she held up Isaac's wallet, and handed it back to him, much to his dismay as he hadn't seen her take it.
“I don't want to intrude in a space you consider sacred if its off limits. But if you don't mind, I think we could both use more spaces for other people in general.”
She held up a hand to shake.
“So... friends?”
Realizing now what his own feelings were, Isaac no longer had reservations. And its true that he felt like their situation had been a little lonely on account of everything. And so it would be better to have more who could understand to be close to.
He smiled back, and took her hand to shake.
“Friends.”
Mei was listening to this quietly, thinking about Isaac. She knew he had felt that way in the last few days, but she had felt cowardly to bring it up. And it seems like he too hadn't wanted to speak to her about it directly. Its not like he really thought that she would stop being close with him from having other people to work closely with. It was more of an abstract feeling. One that even if you know it isn't accurate it is hard to do away with.
She reached over and patted his head like she used to do when he was younger. Well, physically younger that is. It was a simple motion. But she could tell he understood. And that at the moment that was all either of them wanted to share on the matter. Especially with someone else close by.
Feeling like those introductions were now over, Mei wanted to move on. They did have more practical things to speak of. But that could wait until after they ate. And there was something else she was eager to talk about first.
“So you are from Ho Ton Tinh? My family came from there several generations ago.”
“I was. Although I am not especially eager to ever go back there, on account of everything.”
“That's understandable.”
Mei picked up the menu and waved it back and forth.
“They actually have some Ho Ton Tinhese food here, which is part of why I choose this place to eat at when here. They actually have a few different food places, since the place has such a big grounds.”
She opened it to point at a page.
“They have pho here, too. I often get it when I come. I grew up drinking... eating...”
Mei suddenly looked confused.
“Wait, do you eat soup or drink soup?”
Isaac looked at her and made a here we go again face. It wasn't uncommon for Mei to get sidetracked with trivialities like this.
“I don't... I don't think it matters which one you say, Mei.”
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“But which one is correct like, grammatically?”
“I still don't think it matters. Maybe like... I think you can say either?”
“Both of them kind of sound wrong though.”
“I don't...”
They all got silent and looked down at the table a moment. Eventually Mei looked back up.
“What was I talking about?”
Thao looked at her.
“Soup?”
“Right! So I grew up with my family making pho at home. So I was glad to find out this place had it. Because there aren't a lot of Hotontinhians around here, so its not always easy to find.”
Thao looked over the menu.
“They also have Bun Bo Hue. I also really like that.”
Mei suddenly donned a blank expression.
“Bun Bo Hue? What is that?”
“Its another Hotontinhian soup. Its not as well known internationally, but I like it better.”
“Oh...”
Mei looked away, a little embarrassed. She had never actually been to Ho Ton Tinh. And though she thought of herself as somewhat connected to it on account of her family's culture, it felt a little awkward to suddenly be face to face with someone who is actually from the place itself and who she realized suddenly must know a lot more, because their knowledge of its aspects came firsthand, rather than through vague cultural memories.
Being faced with something she didn't know made her suddenly feel a little like she was just playing pretend in terms of her connection. Drinking a tourist soup passed out for mass appeal. Play acting as something she had no knowledge of. Thinking about this made her head hurt a bit. She already didn't have a place in her family. Or the culture of Fusang itself. It felt like suddenly one more avenue of connection was being severed.
She zoned out, getting lost thinking about her place in the world. Isaac and Thao looked at Mei, who now seemed overly somber.
“Are you... okay?”
Mei zoned back in.
“Sorry. Just thinking.”
Thao turned her head sideways.
“About soup?”
“Yeah.”
“I didn't know soup was such serious business.”
“Anything can be.”
Mei thought about it. But then looked back and smiled.
“I've actually never had Bun Bo Hue before. To tell the truth, I didn't even know what it was. Like, I saw it on the menu, but I didn't recognize it, so I always just glossed over it.”
“Its a little different from Pho. It has spicier broth, and thicker noodles. The broth is also usually more red. I can't say exactly what all the differences are though. I've never made it myself.”
Mei looked at it on the menu, and then back up.
“I'm glad to meet someone who is actually from the country though. I've always wanted to know a little more about it. But its not the same when you are only reading about it.”
“Don't expect me to know too much. I left when I was fairly young.”
“Well, I left hundreds of years before I was even born. So that's still more than me.”
They both smiled at eachother. After awhile Mei held up her hand close to thao's
“Its interesting though. Even though my family left generations ago, my skin and eyes are still darker than yours. I wonder how that works.”
“Well, not everyone in the country has the same skin shade. Its a long and thin country. And people on the north side often have lighter skin.”
“Hmm. That makes sense. Its true my family was from the south. I suppose a lot of the Hotontinhian diaspora was. A lot came over after the war.”
Mei leaned her head on her hand.
“Well, thanks. It looks like I have a lot to learn from you.”
Now Thao felt suddenly shy. That was something she wanted to say to Mei. And even Huishen had told her that it would make sense to learn from her. So it felt wrong to hear it the other way around. Even if it was just for cultural information. But despite this she wanted to feel useful. And above all to feel appreciated. So she would take any opportunity to, even in ways that weren't directly mission-related.
But their conversation was cut short suddenly by a loud and eccentric figure walking towards them with his hands out. The figure was a naked man, other than for a bartending collar and futuristic visor. Thao assumed that the visor must be for some form of security related purpose. Overall she thought his appearance looked a little funny, though she wasn't sure whether it was okay to act openly amused about it and so she kept it to herself.
“Hey, hey hey. It looks Like Mei is back. And... I remember your name, your name is Isaac right? And it looks like you have someone new with you.”
Mei looked over at the approaching figure.
“Hello Cade.”
Mei thought about it for a moment.
“Wait, this isn't the bar.”
“Ordinarily I wouldn't be taking orders on the restaurant side, but ah... there's a lot less people here than normal. After the events last month, a lot of people took off. They weren't sure whether their activities would be safe from the temple anymore. Ownership got kicked to someone new. Things were in disarray for a few weeks, but a lot of stuff is up and running again. It doesn't look like the temple, or even local law enforcement, acted particularly interested in the events, though. Things have been more quiet than expected.”
Mei made a thinking face, placing her hand over her mouth.
“Well, the temple didn't want to get involved. It seems like they deliberately leaked information to us in the hopes that us being the ones to handle it would cut down on numbers of two different groups that were a thorn in their side. And we didn't feel like we could ignore it, knowing what was at risk. Though I think it was probable if we didn't do anything, the temple would have gotten involved themselves. Not even they could overlook someone accidentally destroying a large chunk of the city. Not unless they had some propagandist purpose for it, that is.”
Isaac suddenly looked nervous and looked around the room.
“Wait, should we even be here right now? Some people might not like, err... what happened.”
Thao was curious.
“What happened here? Were you involved?”
Isaac stopped looking around and looked at her nervously.
“Would you believe no?”
Mei turned to her to respond.
“An ex techno-gnostic was here running a kind of cult. He was trying to use an artifact to gain power to fight against the temple with. But he engaged in a lot of dangerous practices. And he was on the verge of doing something that was about to get a lot of people killed. Not intentionally. On accident.”
Mei looked into the distance.
“He wasn't a bad guy really. But something in his past broke his mind a bit. And he became obsessed in a bad way. And was in a bit over his head. This is the unfortunate nature of power when it comes down to it. A lot of people think good intentions and determination are enough to make good things happen. But those aren't enough. And too much power used incorrectly can hurt a lot of people regardless of your intentions.”
Cade looked back at them.
“At any rate, I don't think anyone who is left from his group that is still here is going to antagonize you now. They have their own stuff going on. And they don't want to attract attention.”
“Well... that's good. I don't want to antagonize them either, if it can be avoided. The truth is, I respect to a degree what he was trying to do. And what he made of this place in general.”
She gestured around the place, looking at Thao.
“You know, some paintings I made are hanging up around the place here. It wasn't just a whim. I liked feeling connected to the place.”
“You make paintings?
“When I have time. But don't worry, I'll show you later.”
Cade himself looked nervous now.
“But about that thing in the sky. You know what it is, right? Your people are working on it?”
Mei made a resigned face.
“Here's hoping.”
Her expression shifted a little sadder.
“But no promises. I am, after all, only human.”
He pointed at her.
“It's okay. Even if you can't, you've done enough already.”
She looked back, her sulking face resting on her hand.
“I hear that a lot. Seems like a lot of people are worried that we have gone as far as we can go.”
Cade suddenly looked nervous.
“I didn't mean it like that. I...”
He leaned over to Isaac.
“Help me out here.”
Isaac looked around.
“I don't even know what's happening right now.”
Mei sat back up straight.
“I'm joking. Don't worry about it.”
Cade hesitated, like he wasn't sure he believed her, and put his arms up nervously.
“Okay.”
He stood blankly for a few moments.
“Oh, right, food. You wanted food.”
He held up his notebook and tapped it.
“So what did you want?”
They all ordered bun bo hue: Thao because she hadn't had it in a long time, Mei because she wasn't willing to look uncultured in front of someone more familiar with the heritage, and Isaac because he didn't want to feel left out. And they got banh mi to go with it. They made some small talk as they waited for the food, talking and laughing at various things such as recent movies. Eventually Cade brought out their food, and Isaac burned his mouth on it, not being prepared for the spice level. This led to Thao ribbing on him again, which Mei was glad to notice now had a more friendly and familiar tone and thus didn't lead to any bad blood. She was surprised that someone so new could act familiar so quickly. But she supposed that loneliness could do that.
But Mei felt a little sad about this. And felt like there was something she needed to talk about before this got any further. She looked at Thao with a serious expression.
“I want you to know something, though. What I said to Cade... wasn't a joke. The mission we are heading towards is considered by many to be a suicide mission. There is a good chance that we won't survive. And that if you come with us, you may not either. This isn't to say I don't think it is important. I do. More than anything. But it is a slim chance. A fool's hope. If you come with us, you need to do so willingly, understanding the sacrifice you might be making.”
Thao suddenly took on a more serious expression.
“I know. Huishen told me about this already. But I am no stranger to risk if there is someone who needs help. I have been following him for several years already.”
“Where we are going now won't be like mopping up a few stray demons. We are going to the throne of the absolute one. And if push comes to shove, he will use everything he has to protect himself. The power of a force that spans the entire planet.”
Thao made a serious expression.
“Don't view me as naive. I've been dead once already. But I was given a second chance to live life the way I was meant to.“
She looked up, determined.
“Even if I die, I will be satisfied. And I will know that we tried.”
Thao started having flashbacks to her time on the egg.
“And I will be happy to know... that I didn't die alone.”
Mei looked at her with a somber expression. She felt a little sad. These feelings were familiar to her. But she knew that she herself had dark reasons for having them. And from what she understood, Thao did as well. But maybe this was the fate of all those who make sacrifices. It is often those who have less to lose who are more willing to. Something about it felt wrong. Heroism should not stem from low self-esteem. But it had worked for Mei thus far. A cobbled-together patchwork of unhealthy feelings that somehow took the shape of a useful person.
She looked down. She wondered who she was to judge such a thing when she was no different herself. It already ate at her that Isaac followed her because she was the one who rescued him when he could have had a chance at a normal life otherwise. He often reassured her that it was his own choice. But what did it mean to make a choice? Your choices follow from the reality you are placed in. The world moves like clockwork and carries you along with it. On and on.
She shook her head. There would be time to be miserable later. As the ancients say, you suffer more in imagination than reality. Maybe she would feel guilty at the end of all. But she didn't really need to worry about that today. Today was meant to be a positive day. A day to make new friends. And she should remember to lean into that reality. Even if it meant putting on a mask. But even your feelings can become genuine if you emulate them long enough. Though awareness of this can leave you feeling like a hollow shell.
She looked up and smiled.
“Well, I can't say I trust that your motives aren't influenced by survivor's guilt. But I will trust that you know what you are doing. If we all die, don't say I didn't warn you.”
Thao looked back.
“Well, if I try to complain, I'll be too dead to. So it won't go far. But don't worry. I already made my choice long ago.”
Mei picked up her drink.
“I suppose it's my fault for bringing up something so negative. But we should focus on more positive things today. When you finish eating, I have something to show you that I think you might like.”
Thao picked up her own drink, holding it out.
“Mot, hai, ba, do!”
Mei and Isaac were temporarily stunned again, not being familiar with the phrase. They looked at each other for a moment, but then smiled, taking the meaning, and all clinked their glasses together.
“Mot, hai, ba, do!”
----------------------------------------
After eating, Isaac trailed off somewhere, and Thao followed Mei into a corner sitting area. But they intended to spend the whole day here, so they would have plenty of time to catch up with him again later. The place they found was a bit out of the way. There were still occasionally people coming by, but they had enough empty space that you could set up stuff without worrying that there would not be room for whatever they were about to do.
But what were they about to do?
Thao wondered what exactly Mei wanted to show her. She didn't want to come off overly excited, but she was often somewhat excitable. Sometimes to a fault. Often, in fact.
Mei set down her bag and gestured at her.
“See, look what I have here.”
Mei started taking things out of her bag, revealing various brushes and bottles, and finally a canvas and stand. Thao was watching intently, wondering what she was looking at at first, before catching on to what was being set up in front of her.
“Painting stuff? For what?”
Mei sat down and smirked, closing one eye and pointed a paintbrush at her.
“For you. If you want, I can make a painting of you. To commemorate the occasion.”
“Of me?”
Thao was quiet for a few moments, thinking about it. And you could visibly see gears turning in her head. She suddenly looked down and twitched, looking suddenly nervous and reeling back.
“Wait a minute, I am still naked! Do you mean like this?”
“I come here from time to time and paint a lot of people like this. It can be an uplifting activity if done with the right mentality.”
Thao hesitated.
“Uplifting? What do you mean?”
Mei leaned back.
“People's self-esteem is often tied to their bodily identity. But people will often have self-doubt about this, especially in light of obsessive social beauty standards. And especially for people who worry that they lost something or struggle to use it to express themselves. But I'm sure I don't have to tell you about that. Depicting an authentic, but idealized vision of their sense of self can do a lot for people's self-esteem. Seeing their sense of self depicted untethered from these concerns can be healing.”
Thao looked forward like she was thinking.
“Like, reflecting inner beauty expressed through their body?”
“Exactly. You told me that you have doubts about your appearance or how you would be seen, even if you know that most of these doubts are only in your head. I wanted to come here today to paint again anyways. But I realized that if you wanted it, there was something I could do for you.”
She sat back and held up her arms.
“If you are uncomfortable with the idea, we don't have to. But I wanted to offer the possibility. I can try to make you something that lets you know how other people see you. Ones who appreciate you for who you want to be. And then, if you are ever feeling doubts about yourself, you will have it to look at and be a source of strength.”
Thao thought about it. She felt like Mei was right. She wanted to come to this place because she wanted to learn to feel better about her body. And to feel like others would accept it for how she wanted to present even if it told her past. She had already had a rush today already. But she was happy with what she discovered about herself. And although it seemed fast to commit to another thing so soon, she did see the logic of a memento of this feeling. She had been afraid of mirrors for a long time. It had felt painful to look in them even as a child. But there was more than one kind of mirror. And art can be a mirror to the soul.
She sat down.
“I can't say I'm not nervous about the idea, but... I think you are right. I think it would be good for me.”
She puffed air into her cheeks and made a faux standoffish expression.
“I always kept my feelings bottled up. For most of my life. I have to admit it's a little shocking that you can read me so clearly after only a few days of knowing me.”
Mei laughed.
“Perception and pain. Perhaps kindred spirits can just naturally understand each other.”
“I don't think I understand you in quite the same way, though.”
“Perhaps not. Maybe I'm just that smart.”
“Hey.”
“Sorry.”
She turned at an angle. Mei had now set up her painting implements. Thao looked down at her lap, putting her hand over it.
“Do you think I should...”
“It's up to you. No one can decide how you want to present for you.”
“How did you know what I was...”
“I always know what people are thinking. Consider it a professional skill. I couldn't have gotten this far without it.”
Thao smirked.
“Heh. Is that what makes you so empathetic?”
Mei was suddenly stunned slightly. This is something she hadn't really thought about. But in retrospect it seemed obvious now that it was pointed out. The world was a very different place when you could always sense the pain of those around you. Including those who you have no choice but to fight. But it was a mixed bag. Because when you have no choice but to fight, you can still sense the reality that sometimes the other side are only there as victims of circumstance.
She looked down and smiled. Maybe this was the purpose of having more friends. Friends are mirrors to the soul. No matter who you are, there are always people who can point out new things about you. Ones that can be blind to you yourself based on the limits of your own experiences.
She smiled.
“Maybe so. But it can be a curse at times.”
“It's not to me. I appreciate that you can understand my feelings. Tian knows it's not something that I am used to from my old family or community. I think... if I knew someone like you earlier on, maybe I would have come to understand myself earlier too. I can't promise that I am as good at being understanding. But I will try to understand how you feel too. In case there is anything I can do.”
Mei smiled.
“Thank you. There are few who can.”
Thao thought for a few moments before tucking.
“Maybe some things are better kept on the down low.”
Thao felt happy now. Not to say she didn't see Huishen like family. But it wasn't quite the same. For a long time she had not been especially close to anyone but him. And it felt good to find other people you felt like you could readily trust. It might take a little longer to warm up to Isaac. She had maybe gotten off on the wrong foot with him, but that seemed to be being mended already. And she felt that Isaac would find it physically impossible to have prolonged negative feelings about anyone Mei approved of.
She sat there to allow Mei to paint her, talking and laughing during. When Mei finished the small painting and handed it over to her, she felt a positive feeling of gender euphoria stronger than she had ever known. She clutched the picture close, knowing even in that moment that it would become one of her prized possessions. And as time went on, it did. She valued the picture strongly for the rest of her life.
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Isaac and Thao were standing naked in the arcade playing a shooting game and talking. Mei had suggested she spend some time with Isaac alone in order to make sure there were no tensions. And said she had to go off to do something. She was listening to him describe his life story in order to familiarize herself with him better.
“And that is basically it. My parents took me and had my memories messed with from time to time. I did sense something was off. It felt a little dreamlike at times. But I couldn't really place what it was that was awkward about my life. Coming out of it, I felt a lot more lucid. Like I was waking up from a long sleep.”
Thao turned to him.
“Did you ever have moments where you sat to think about it? Whether things didn't add up, I mean?”
“Sometimes. Though I think they had doctors make it so that this too was harder for me to notice. They also made sure I was always entertained, bread and circus style, so I didn't have as much time to focus on it. Part of that may have been to make it so I didn't want things to change. But I think they also just liked to show off. Even though I always had things to do, I didn't spend that much time with them personally. They had caretakers to bring me anywhere I wanted. But I realized later on that they were also there to keep me from finding out things I wasn't supposed to.
“It seems like I must have figured it out several times, and they would just erase my memory of doing so each time. So it was like a cyclical pattern that it wasn't easy to break out of. I know how I talk about Mei must seem over the top to you. But it really felt like a messianic force in my life showing me a way out of the cycle. At a time when I felt powerless to find a solution on my own.
“She helped me get situated in life. I would have been okay after getting some stuff from my parents in court after everything. But after realizing that what she did for me she was also doing for other people, I wanted to be part of it. I had some knowledge of ether, since I spent a lot of time studying it, so it was easy for me to learn the more practical side.”
Thao looked at him and thought over it.
“I didn't realize how you ended up fighting together. I kind of just assumed you met somewhere. I can see why that would make a strong bond.”
She looked down.
“That isn't too different from my own story, I suppose. Although it is inverted. Both of us had parents who didn't want us to grow into parts of the world they didn't approve of. But yours wanted to keep you cut off from it so they could keep you to themselves. Whereas mine threw me out to get consumed on the outside and cut me off from them.”
Isaac sighed.
“The truth is, on account of how she saved me, Mei didn't want me to join her at first. Since it's not uncommon for people to die doing this. I think she was always an aloof person. I remember seeing her once many years ago back when she was the same age as me, and she was already like that. But I think it's not just that. She feels like it is hard to be close to anyone who engages in the great work, after seeing how they could be taken from you. I think when she first joined, she had lost some other people she was close to. And it made her grow even more aloof.
“I know she feels guilty that I am here sometimes. Because that puts me in danger that she thinks is on her for rescuing me. But... this is where I want to be. I know I might not look like it, since I look similar in age to you. But I am technically older even than she is.”
He laughed to himself.
“Heh. Technically. But in truth, I don't feel that way. Being like this, I still am inhibited by the time I spent being artificially de-aged. And I have health problems from it too. You can't buy yourself immortality this way. So even if I survive, I will likely die at a bodily age that would likely seem a little young for my appearance.”
He looked down, determined.
“But no. This is where I want to be. If she is going to die at the foot of the throne of heaven, we can die together. And I will make sure she stays alive long enough to get there. I am not keen on dying. But if I was left to my parents, I would have likely died from their adjustments already. I owe her my life. And well... the truth is, she needs someone like me. She isn't good at taking care of herself. And I worry that if I wasn't there, she wouldn't remember to keep herself alive until the end.”
He looked at Thao, and closed his eyes.
“I'm sorry for acting like you were an intruder. I thought of this as my purpose alone. And thought of these next few months as potentially our last time alive together. But... I guess that's not it. If anyone else can help keep her safe until the end, I should show appreciation.”
Thao held up her hand as a fist towards him.
“You can count on me! I won't let anything happen to her.”
He smiled and looked back.
“I am still learning too. I have always been more social than her. I know more people on the outside. But that is different. After losing my parents, she was the only one I ever considered family. Even the guys I dated, I was never that close with. Not that those lasted very long. But I think it's true that this can be a bit lonely.
“It's true, we spent some time with some other people from the techno-gnostics here and there. But not much ever came from it. But even I can feel that you are different. And I know enough to trust Mei when she makes a judgment call about someone. I suppose it just came as a shock to me, since I didn't expect it.”
He paused and then turned to hold up his free hand to her.
“But I know you are lonely too. So... welcome to the family. The next few months we will have a lot of time just preparing, or even just waiting. So I suppose we can spend some time together before the end of everything.”
Thao grabbed his hand and smiled back at him.
“Thank you. I'll try not to be a drag.”
They both turned their gun controllers back at the screen.
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Mei walked up to the meditative spring, which was partially inside a dim golden room, and past a hallway filled with stained glass. The pool was stone around the outside, leading outdoors and having a grotto and waterfall, being designed to look like a natural occurrence. Though it obviously was not truly natural, due to the entire location being on city outskirts.
While some may have considered a room like this to be a bit strange for the location, the whole grounds of the Midnight Sun plaza were, in the end, designed in part to host Weihong's spiritual activities. The pool itself had an implied spiritual purpose described by the group's teachings. And though some of those teachings were rather dangerous taken to the extreme, Mei did see value in their idea of the spiritual pool.
She looked around the oasis. There were various people sitting in it in a meditative pose or relaxing and floating on the water with their head and chest sticking out. Some of these may still have been part of Weihong's people. But true to the claim, none of them seemed to pay attention to or want to antagonize her at the moment.
She took off her shoes and socks so she could step naked into the pool. Inside she sat on the far side next to a bovine statue with a goal of relaxing her mind and engaging in contemplation. She often meditated in this way when she felt more quiet. Though she also engaged in more active tantra when wanting to practice a more dynamic focus instead. Isaac didn't really get the point of either practice. She had explained it to him before, but he never indulged in more than a token engagement in this type of thing.
She breathed in and out, focusing on her breath. She did this for some time while thinking over meditative mantras. This often did help her feel better. And it did seem to be working today. The combination of the pool and the practice made her feel very relaxed. And rejuvenated for whatever would come next.
She looked down at her own body, holding her arms up to examine them. There were a lot of scars on them. Even with modern medicine and technology, it was still not always easy to heal them fully. It would perhaps be possible to make them a little more invisible if one were so inclined. But she did not mind them. Seeing what she had been through helped her feel more like she was still alive. To remind her of the things that she had undergone to get to where she is. And to remember that she didn't come this far to only come this far.
She gradually looked to the side. Huishen too was sitting meditating in the pool close by. And this was in part why she had come here. She spoke up.
“I spoke to Thao. I wanted to make sure she knew what she was getting into. I was concerned about the idea that she felt like she had to do this out of guilt. But... I suppose that in the end there are no pure intentions.
“We talked a bit about her past. It's not that different from mine or Isaac's. I suppose kindred spirits are naturally drawn together. I also looked into her background using her name and information. Her old name, that is. It does seem like her birth parents labeled her as missing at some point. Legally in Ho Ton Tinh, she is now considered dead.
“But I realized something else from talking to her earlier. She doesn't seem to know much about your past. And in fact, she doesn't even seem to know that she doesn't. When I looked into your name I couldn't find anything. It seems like the name Dizang Huishen doesn't exist anywhere. This means one of a few things. Either it is a fake name, or you erased your data in some way, or the data never existed in the first place.
“I suppose I could insist you tell me. But the truth is... I don't feel a need to. Because I can sense your intentions. Not just to us. I know that Thao is being genuine. And I can sense your intentions to protect her as well.”
She rubbed her face, and looked up.
“In fact, I'm not sure she could fail to be genuine even if she wanted to. Odd paradox for one whose skills involve deception.”
She looked back over and made a soft smile with her eyes closed.
“But I'm not really going anywhere with this. Just wanted to make sure you knew you couldn't pull a fast one on us. That's all.”
Huishen smiled back.
“Life is a long road. But you needn't always recount every stop along the way.”
He looked over.
“But you too carry some secrets, do you not?”
Mei stared at him for a long while. But then turned her head back forward, closing her eyes once again.
“Yeah. I suppose I do.”
She opened them, staring ahead.
“Just glad to know that we can understand each other.”
They became quiet and sat like this relaxing for a long while. But all things must come to an end. Eventually they got back up to find Thao and Isaac.