June came to. Looking around in a daze, she realized that she was standing in front of an old run-down-looking street. While the street itself looked fairly normal, she noticed the strange detail that the whole street was in fact submerged underwater. Looking down, she realized she was wearing a swimsuit as well. She wondered how the street had gotten here and why it was submerged. But despite the strange situation she found herself in, she could still breathe and move normally, as if the water did not affect her or the surrounding buildings aside from making floating possible.
She looked up and down the street. It seemed fairly deserted, being full of nothing but broken-down homes which look like they had been abandoned for decades, if not centuries. Left alone to decay under the relentless wash of the elements. Something about it felt a bit lonely, as if she had expected it to initially be full and had only now come to see that it was full no longer. But she did not recognize the street, so she had no notion of why she should think this.
She swam through the street and into adjoining ones, which looked much the same, feeling like she was looking for something but unable to tell what it was she was seeking. But gradually, she came to see that amidst the ruined houses was her own house that she had grown up in. She was suddenly hungry and felt that it was time to eat, and so she swam inside to see what was in the kitchen, taking a stop in the process to look in on her own room. But on entering her house, she was hit with the realization that, of course, this too was abandoned. There was no one waiting here for her anymore. And there never would be again.
She suddenly felt pained by this sight. She never wanted to see it again. She tried to get as far from it as possible. She swam out and felt that she had swum for a long time until she was no longer sure where she was. She looked up to see the moon rise and begin to glide through the ocean, pulling a strong current behind it. Night was approaching. And she felt lost, unsure where to go. She wanted to go home, but she wasn't even sure where home was anymore. Not now that her anchor had crumbled to dust.
She was pained now, in a panic. And she kept swimming, with no goal in mind, until she reached the very edge of the world. At the end of the world, she could see that the entire thing was contained in a large bubble, outside of which was empty space. She reached for it, and when she did, it popped. Not only the bubble, but the entire world with it. And she felt herself falling, being sucked into the reaches of deep space.
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June was pulled back into the waking world. She looked around her room, unsettled to see it still looking as if things were normal, when she had just seen it in a state of advanced decay. She felt disoriented for a moment, like she was beginning to remember negative feelings that had evaded her only in sleep. At first, she couldn't remember why, but slowly it began to come back to her.
She remembered now that she had just gotten the final information that she had been dreading for so long. She had Parfit's syndrome, a disease that she had never even heard the name of before a few weeks ago, due to it being only recently discovered and having as of yet few patients in the world. She would have to leave her life behind and go into hypersleep. Not just once, but over and over for long stretches, making any kind of prolonged life in any one time and place impossible.
She had spent the last few weeks in denial, hoping there was some kind of mistake when it was suggested she likely had it. But with this confirmation, it wasn't something she could deny anymore. Not unless she wanted to risk coming face-to-face with death – a meeting that would be unlikely to last long or to have a satisfactory conclusion.
Since she had gotten the final confirmation, she had flittered back and forth between bouts of overpowering feeling, alternated with stretches where she thought and felt nothing. For after all, what now was there to even think about? She had no way out of her situation. And her situation now felt hopeless. It's not that she wanted to die. Her issue was not wanting an escape from life. Rather, it was quite the opposite. She was being forced away from the life that she had always known. And she was afraid that the river she was sailing down would now dry up, leaving her with little more than a shallow stream. Spending the rest of her life begging for scraps from the universe, when she had expected a full banquet.
She didn't want to see her room anymore. She felt a sudden burst of rage, having the idea of trashing it to let it out. It's not like it mattered to keep it in good order anymore. But she did not act on this. She grabbed her jacket and quickly went out to go for a walk before she changed her mind again. Going out to wander the busy streets, sulking, and with her head down.
She walked around at first without any destination in mind as the sun slowly set, cascading long shadows behind her. Though these streets used to feel like home to her, they did no longer, for at this point they were nothing but a place she was stopping by. A time she was peeking in to, before vanishing from the minds and hearts of all those who lived here. Dissolving like the morning dew, as if she had never been.
June was not used to crowds and, as of late, tended to avoid society of every sort. But she realized amidst her walking that she really didn't want to be alone right now. At least not any more than her situation inherently made her. She didn't normally go to bars alone, partially out of fear of harassment and partially out of fear of having to speak to strangers. She only really did as a social thing, going with people she knew. But she was already resigned to distancing herself from the few people she still had ties with. And at the moment, she could use at the very least some noise and a feeling of being in the world.
She stumbled to the local hangout bar, Nyx's Lounge, that was always fairly full, and slumped over in a corner after ordering a drink. The bar had a funny moon man with a face and sunglasses as a logo that she had been entertained by ever since she was a young girl, long before she was even old enough to enter. But it was not entertaining to her now.
She spent a little time looking around at the other people who were around her, but quickly grew tired of this and put her head down to sulk, her brown hair pouring out on the counter around her. She had a lot to think about. Or did she? It's not like thinking would do any good. Nothing could do any good. There was no cure. She was one of the only cases on earth to get Parfit's syndrome, and no matter how she responded to it, she would be forced to leave everyone and everything behind. She wondered if it was even meaningful to talk about the self that would wake up as herself anymore. If you are defined by your relationships, then who are you when you have nothing?
As her drink was placed in front of her, she looked up slightly at it. She wasn't normally one for drinking heavily. She had never really been fully drunk before. But there's a first time for everything she supposed. Now was certainly a time she wished she could forget her predicament. To descend in stages into the void until there was nothing. This one drink wouldn't be enough to cause that, of course, but she could get more and keep drinking until it worked if need be.
She laid her head down on the bar counter. She hadn't yet gone into her first hypersleep, but the time when she would have to was quickly approaching. She had a few short days before she would be forced to lose everything she had ever known. She found herself already withdrawing from the people that she knew. It's not like she was leaving much behind anyway.
She thought it over a bit and felt slight relief that at least the experience of hypersleep would be a small dose of oblivion. These days, she only ever felt relaxed when dreaming. And reentering the waking world meant being thrust once more into the cold nightmare of reality.
She laid there with her head down for a long time, leaning up only to take small sips. From here, she could see various other people in the bar coming and going. She felt lonely because of the situation she was now in. And although she did not want to have to speak to anyone, she did not want to be by herself. In part out of fear of what she might do when no eyes were upon her. She found herself feeling envious, seeing all these people moving about. They still lived in their own world. Had their own lives. She supposed it was probably true that not all of them were happy. But it made little difference. It's not like she could tell anyway. And none of them had the same kinds of problems that she had. No one would ever be able to relate to her again.
It was still sunset when she had come here, but now it was moving into the deeper hours of night. Though, in the end, it wasn't like time mattered to her anymore. Time was an abstraction now. She had wondered whether the bartender would eventually notice her and ask what was going on, but there had been too many people in and out tonight to focus on one person sulking in the corner. So she was left to her own devices.
Gradually, however, she heard someone sit down next to her, on the opposite side of her. This had not happened earlier, possibly on account of her appearance looking like someone who did not want to be bothered (not that this was always sufficient as a deterrent). But now, the weight of another presence was intruding on her solitude. Not that this was a problem per se. She did feel lonely. But she wasn't good at talking to new people. Though now that she would be losing everyone, maybe talking to someone who you wouldn't expect to keep could make for a less painful goodbye.
She turned her head slightly, straining to catch a glimpse without appearing too interested. On the other side of her was a woman, a bit older than her, with a serious and uptight demeanor. Not exactly the type of demeanor June liked to deal with on the best of days, and certainly not now after she had nothing to take seriously anymore. But the woman did not seem to have sat there to speak to her and did not, in fact, seem to be paying attention to her at all. June laid her head back down.
For a long period, she continued to lay like this, with the woman behind her sounding like she was sorting through some kind of papers. June wondered what this was about, in part because it was so loud in her ear. She felt like, aside from the noise she could maybe even drift off again like this. But it probably wouldn't be a good idea in such a location.
But she was shocked, as she was suddenly spoken to without warning.
“Are you okay?”
June shot to attention. She was surprised that the woman had apparently only now noticed her. She wondered temporarily if there had been a mistake, and the woman was speaking to someone else. But there was no one else around them. June turned slowly around to look at her sheepishly, now uncertain how to respond despite having imagined people talking to her all day. She thought about answering politely. But opted for honesty instead. The woman might not receive it well, but what matter was propriety now to one such as her?
“No. Not really.”
The woman acted surprised, like she thought it broke social etiquette to respond in this way. June felt a little embarrassed at being so open. But there wasn't much reason to worry about embarrassment now, either. Embarrassment was for people who were worried about a persistent reputation, not for phantoms.
“What is wrong?”
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Being asked directly now, June thought about how best to answer. But her situation wasn't really something you wanted to be too open with to strangers. It would be a lot to get into. And getting into the habit of standing out might get you into social situations you didn't want to be in. This, at least, was something she had the presence of mind to realize might still be relevant further down the line.
She carefully considered how to frame what she wanted to say. But she didn't want to hesitate too long, for fear the woman would get bored and move on. The woman already looked a little like she didn't particularly care about what was happening in front of her and was only speaking out of obligation. June started speaking. Initially, she intended to be more cautious. But she ended up sharing more than she wanted. She tended to have an on-off switch for communication like that.
“I am... I'm lost. In life, I mean. I thought I had a place in the world, but now I don't know anymore. I can't explain why. But I am going to have to leave my friends and family behind. And I don't really know what that leaves me with.”
She hesitated, thinking that she was missing something.
“Oh, sorry. My name is June. June Fox.”
The woman looked shocked, and June realized that she may have framed her initial point poorly. And she might have been perceived as saying she was leaving them by choice. But before she could clarify the woman responded in a huff.
“You shouldn't travel far from your family if your parents are alive. Not if you can avoid it, that is. As they say, when a child travels a thousand miles, their mother worries.”
June wasn't entirely sure what she was hearing, but the advice didn't seem particularly useful to her situation. Not that this was uncommon in Fusang, but this seemed to be someone who was very family-oriented. She figured she should clarify.
“I'm not leaving them by choice. I have to go. If I could, I would stay with my family. Sorry, it's hard to explain. It's just the situation I am in. I don't want to go.”
The woman's stern expression became a little softer. June figured that this was in response to her realizing that June wasn't saying she was deliberately cutting contact.
“Ah. Well, sometimes you have to do what you must. But no matter how far you go, you are always tied to your family by heart.”
June wondered a little why this woman spoke like she only knew how to talk in platitudes. She figured that it was someone who wasn't used to acting warm to others. She wondered if both of these things ran in the woman's family or was something just about her personally.
But she did stop to think about the words. And she looked down, taking a somber tone. Would she really be able to keep a bond with someone as she moved further and further from them in time? What would it mean to be connected to someone for whom it would take over seventeen long years to see you again? For older family members, you always knew you would have to face their death eventually. But how could one feel at the point where even their life was but a faint blip in the memory of the world? They were gone for decades, but you knew them like they were gone only yesterday.
She began to cry again. She wasn't sure if she should be spending these last days saying her goodbyes or if she should have already written them off. She had no anchor now. And even if they were around to see her again when she woke up, it could never be the same. And it would only be for a moment. She would have time just enough to say hello before disappearing once more from their lives. Whole generations would be raised in this gap, but she could stay only for the blink of an eye.
But she didn't want to be seen like this. She tried to hide her crying, though it was not successful. She sucked it up a bit while responding.
“I suppose that is true. But it is still painful to be apart from them.”
The woman's demeanor changed slightly. Not that it became softer, so much as slightly more relaxed. The woman didn't look like she was used to opening up to strangers. But June's currently defenseless nature might have made it easier for her.
“Sometimes you have to steel yourself to do what you must. Sometimes, for your family, it is necessary to leave them to seek opportunities in a new place. I didn't always live in Fusang. After the war in Ho Ton Tinh, I had to sneak out on a boat. There was family here already to help me. But I lived without my parents for a long time.”
The woman leaned back and went on.
“Since I was alone, I made mistakes. I wasn't sure what my place or purpose was for awhile. So I flitted about. I even grew resentful of my family for a time because of my situation, leaving me to figure things out on my own. And this made me want to do things for myself when I should have been preparing for my relatives. I had important clan duties I was neglecting. And now I try to keep on top of those better than I once did.
“I used to paint. A few others in my family did also, and I wanted to be like them. But I gave it up when I got married. I have too much to handle for the extended family now. Always busy.”
June wasn't enticed by this idea of donning a self-sacrificial nature. Not that she had much to sacrifice at this point herself. But she was suddenly curious.
“Do you have a picture of something you painted?”
The woman looked at her like June was asking about something she wasn't supposed to speak about. And the woman herself now hesitated for a period. But eventually she took out her phone and looked through it for something to hold up to her. June took the phone to look at it. It was a painting of a young boy with stunning detail.
“I worked on this in college. It took me around a hundred hours. This was the last painting I did before putting the activity away.”
June looked at the picture for awhile, impressed. She thought about the fact that she herself would have to move around from now on. And she thought of a picture as something she would be able to keep with her. Perhaps one of a cherished memory. Maybe it would be good to have something like this. As a small way to turn any place you ended up staying in into one that felt like a home.
“It looks nice. I wouldn't mind paying for a picture like this. If you were still painting, that is.”
The woman looked down and hesitated before responding.
“No. It is too late for that. Much too late.”
June thought about it for awhile and then handed back the phone.
“Well then. Maybe in another life.”
They both became more quiet, staring ahead of them. June felt that the woman's demeanor was not very positive either. June felt a pang of sadness in her voice when talking about giving up art. But one which seemed like the woman was trying to hide. June had been thinking before now only about her own problems. But this conversation made her realize that she was not the only one who had them. And she became empathetic to the woman's own struggles. She felt like she didn't want to talk about herself anymore, and hoped it wouldn't be too forward to pivot.
“You seem like you are troubled as well.”
She paused, unsure of how to say what she wanted to next without coming off rude.
“It must have been difficult to give up something that was so big a part of you.”
The woman looked back at her with a somber tone.
“Everyone has to give things up. Sometimes your purpose calls you elsewhere.
“It's not just art that I had to give up. There was a time when I had some... youthful indiscretions. I worked alongside some people who were heretical xiaoren who railed against the social order of society. I was trying to reject my place and find a new place of my own. But eventually I realized my mistake. And came to understand the social order's importance. My true path was already laid out before me. And my dreams of something else were just a distraction from the path I was meant to take.”
She looked down.
“I was lucky that I fixed my mistake before it got too far. And for this, I found greater things. I was given a great honor, despite everything. And this is how I learned my real purpose.”
June was suddenly curious.
“Great honor?”
The woman hesitated as if thinking for a long period, and then slowly rolled up her sleeve to show June something that was underneath. June recoiled slightly unconsciously, for on the woman's arm, June could see an ominous esoteric symbol - The Brand of Shen. Although June loosely recognized the brand from school, this was not something she was familiar with or understood the implications of. And this was the first time she had seen such a thing in person. And it looked much more menacing when you could see it directly etched into someone's skin directly. The brand began to glow in the dim light. And it was mesmerizing to her with its enticing beauty.
June did not dare speak about it while it was visible. Something about the brand itself seemed to make this impossible. But as the woman slowly rolled back down her sleeve to put it away, June began to feel more hesitant. Wondering what it meant and why it felt so stifling. She started to think about what it would mean to be in the situation the woman seemed to be in. Of someone trying to take charge of a situation they were pushed into, but which was not their own life path, but one which was chosen for them.
June began to think of what it meant to be forced onto a path that was not your own. She, too, had to deal with this. But her own situation was a little different because, in her case, there was no external force forcing her onto it. Rather, that was the issue. She was now alone. Dropped into the ocean with no life preserver, knowing that no rescue would be coming, and left to paddle to where she may.
It was interesting, in a sense, to compare yourself to someone whose situation was so similar yet so different from your own. To June's eyes, the woman seemed to be trying to come to terms with a situation that was not ideal. But was such a thing possible? Was it different to do so in a situation you could still struggle against versus one there was no escape from?
June started to question whether she shouldn't encourage the woman back, seeing that the woman herself seemed to be stuck in a situation it might be better for her to still try to leave. But June was not very social, and she wasn't sure she knew enough about this situation to try. It would no doubt be seen as intruding to offer unsolicited advice for something she knew little about.
The woman spoke back again after a long pause.
“Because of this, I am given special status. And I will be able to use this to help guide my family to higher status as well. This is my place both within my family and within society.”
June thought about this.
“But is this what you want? I mean, what you really want? For your own life?”
The woman finished what she was doing and started putting away her papers to prepare to leave.
“What you personally want is irrelevant. If you seek to be happy, you can achieve it through harmonious action. It comes from your purpose.”
June looked back at her, realizing the woman did not intend to speak further on the matter. And it would not be productive to try forcing it. But that was no matter. She had her own issues to focus on anyway. There was little use trying to help someone who, from June's perspective, would fade into ancient memory in short order. And it wasn't really her place to if they didn't want it.
She thought to herself out loud.
“Purpose, huh?”
June felt on the verge of realizing something. She closed her eyes and pondered over the avenues of her life that had been closed off to her. It's true that most things she had known were now lost to her forever. But... her life wasn't over. It's never over until it's over. And you can still move on if you have something else to look forward to. She realized now from talking about family that there could be an avenue out of her fate of solitude. Perhaps it was just a dream. A passing thought. But this was no matter. For it could also be a motivation. And it was within your dreams that your reality is formed.
Her eyes shot open as her intuition entered into conscious awareness. There was something she needed to know. And she quickly took out her own phone to see whether she could look it up. Afterwards, satisfied with what she found, she stood up and looked forward with determination. She quickly finished the rest of her drink and then put down the empty glass.
She turned to go as well. But stopped to turn back for a moment.
“I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name.”
“Lan Ming. Or I suppose I should say Lan Mingzhu.”
“Well, thank you, Ming. You are right about one thing. In the end, I do need to go find my family. Here is hoping they are waiting for me as well. I hope you, too, find whatever it is you are looking for. In this life or the next.”
Ming jokingly scoffed back at her.
“I'm not looking.”
June shook her head and walked out. She would think about this day many times in the future. But she would never see Ming again.
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June walked out to the balcony connected to the bar. From here, she could see the people underneath moving like currents in a river, each absorbed in their own world. And she realized now that she was part of this world. The journey of all beings takes them to different places. But there is no time to lament what could have been. For you have only this moment. And if you blink, the world will pass you by.
She stood up over the balcony looking down at the street and held out her arms. She was alive. A single drop in the endless ocean. She was a part of it. But she was also all of it. She pulled her hands back to run them through her hair, spreading it out behind her. She was this ocean now. And feeling its windy stream pass through her hair had given her an idea on how to reflect it.
Though she was still in pain, she felt now that life was there for the taking. And she realized something else. That it was okay not to feel okay. She was still going to feel bad sometimes. And she probably always would. But it is through adversity that can be born new potential. And it is only in moments of weakness that you can show what you are truly capable of withstanding.
She held up her hand to reach across time and space. Others would rise and fall, but she would remain. She no longer had any notion of where this would take her. Except... for one case. For a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. And often, the first step is to make sure you aren't alone.
She held up her finger like a gun to shoot it across the horizon.
“Stay there, Jonah. Because I'm coming for you.”