My name is Tuan Do. This name is something that I am bound by. For name is identity. And none can escape their identity. Save only in death.
For as far back as I can remember, something has always felt off about my life. This was not something easy to place. I felt as if when I was looked at, people saw through me. Like they talked to an image of me that I could not recognize. A vessel that contained my shape but which did not contain my essence. And it brought me great pain that I felt that no matter what I did, I could never be seen. Like my form was a living lie that coalesced into the world only to mislead those who could not comprehend the ineffable that it contained.
In truth, most people were not very cruel to me when I was young. From when I... was a young boy growing up in Ho Ton Tinh, save for dismissing my emotional concerns, most of my family were rather kind. Kind, at least to what can be seen as a realistic standard, that is. So it only made it more difficult to place what it was that ailed me, when it seemed like by all accounts I should have been happy. Like I was ungrateful for what I was given, and something was fundamentally broken about me.
More is the pity though that even this initial situation did not last. For a moment came where everything changed. In the process of soul-searching, I touched something that must never be touched. And beyond that path, it was no longer only me who could not be recognized.
In the blink of an eye, suddenly the love of everyone around me turned to scorn. And I found now that they began to see me at last. I could almost say I reveled in it. Because I was finally observed in the way I had hoped for for so long. But this too would be a lie. For I was wholly unprepared for the form this would take and for the destruction that it would cause within me. And though I tried my best to hide the self that they had now seen, it was too late to put it back in the box of curses. I was seen by them now and forever. And my life became a wandering beneath a wall of glaring eyes that from here to eternity would never let up.
As I moved into early high school, the glares pervaded past my family and into the school itself. I found myself ostracized by teachers, by family, even by old friends. And I could not understand it. For to me, nothing had truly changed. It was like they could see something I could not. And I understood not from whence their ire had come.
I became very lonely. My stigma had made it difficult to make new friends. And it was not for want of trying. So at school, I often ate alone and then had nothing to do but return home after. But I had little to do at home either. My parents had begun to grow distant as well. Before, they would pressure me in terms of school. And it felt ominous that they did not even do this anymore.
And all this while, the pain had never let up. I feel like my body is a prison. I claw at myself until I bleed, as if trying to let out my hidden self, which resides within. But inside there is nothing. I reach inside of me searching, but there is no other self. I am me. And the me that I am is one that I hate. I myself am the prison. If the bars are taken down, there is nothing left. My identity will spill out like it had never been, leaving behind nothing in its wake.
I look into the mirror to see what it is that others see in me. But I find myself afraid to look at mirrors. Their crystal sheen making me feel like I am seeing through to another corrupted plane. Beyond which is a demonic force taking on my guise only to laugh at and to torment me. Though I suppose such a concern is meaningless. For I am already on another plane. And there are already demons here to torment me.
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I woke up once again. It was daytime now. Or perhaps night. Where I am, this distinction had no meaning. I don't know where I am. Or how I got here. I can't even describe what “here” is. I am on some form of planetoid, floating adrift in I know not what. It is not very large. Perhaps a square mile of surface. But it was not in space. Not regular space at any rate. It was in some nebulous ether. Up above was an appearance I had no words for. It was like nothing I had ever seen. I often found myself just lying on my back, looking up at the colorful clouds and surreal sheen of the sky, and basking in it. It's not like I had much else to do anyways.
I do not know how I got here. Over time, I found my family was growing more distant. And then one day, they were simply gone. I woke up here, as if I had been thrown out of reality, and I have been here ever since. No goodbye. No explanation. I feel as if they have abandoned me. But even then, that gives me no explanation for how I got here. Or why it happened. And perhaps one would never come. For there seems to be no way to leave this place. And I am doomed to remain in this space without ever getting closure on my life.
Life? I had considered before that perhaps this was death. For I had no other explanation for how I had gotten here. But I did not feel dead. Or perhaps I did feel dead, but not in that literal of a way. I do wonder though what death feels like. I was still imprisoned. Still trapped in my body, shaped by the dependent origination of forces I could not control. I wondered, how would it feel as the pain pours out?
I got up out of my makeshift bed. I slept near to Joshua, a boy who I found here around my own age. When I found myself on this planetoid, I was not the only one. There were five others. Though other than Joshua, the other boys and girls were several years younger than us. There were bits and pieces of the real world in with us too. Though we know not from whence they came. Me and Joshua are forced to act like guardians to these children. But what can I do? I am a child myself.
I myself would not have been capable of doing this if I were alone. Trying to maintain a sense of normalcy amidst the chaos, Joshua drew up a plan with me to follow. We would try to establish normality for these younger children and to keep them from feeling lost. Fortunately, on this planetoid, there was access to food. At least for now. This may become a problem in the future if we are here long enough. But for the moment it was not. This left us room to focus on other things.
Two of the children were quite young and did not even understand their predicament. They were unsure where their families were or how they had gotten here. I suppose that makes three of us. But we tried to keep them from understanding that they may be here deliberately. That this may be a kind of dumping ground for lost children. For those who are unwanted. But if they are not wanted outside, we can at least make them feel they are wanted here. They would still pine for their families. And all we could tell them is that we did not know at what point they might return. That they should think of this like a form of camping. Sometimes lies can be a merciful thing.
From the ruined parts of real buildings that were on the surface, we constructed various rooms that had a familiar shape, one of which was a makeshift schoolroom. On one side we cleared a wall to use chalk on, which is something we were lucky enough to find a few pieces of. There were a few building structures with us that seemed to be from earth buildings, so we could spare the extra space to do so. Many of them had no ceiling, but there was little weather here to speak of, and the temperature was not extreme, so this was not so large a concern. We had no working clocks, and there was no day or night cycle here to keep a schedule. So we simply pulled the children in to teach them things at random intervals. Various of them slept at different times. Me and Joshua originally talked about whether this mattered. But as there was no external schedule to keep in tune with here and little in the way of overt danger, we decided against forcing it.
I stood in front of the room teaching the younger children basic letters. They were not all the same age. Some of them were too old for this information. But we cycled what we taught them. I looked at the children in front of me when doing so. And despite everything, I felt a little happy. For I felt more understood here by their nonjudgmental eyes than I had ever been outside. But at the same time I was jaded. For I had no knowledge of whether we would ever leave this place. And if we did not, it is hard to say how any of this knowledge might serve them. There were a handful of books in here with us. So at least the ability to read would give them access to this. But beyond this, there was nothing. We taught them this information for a hopeless future. For what life can there be for the forsaken?
But my pain lied not only in our setting. For though my family was no longer here, I feel that their voices still haunt me. Bearing down on me like they were the big other. Like they were the symbolic order of society from which I cannot escape. I am nowhere. Outside of reality itself. Yet I still feel judged by them. And I still feel uncertain how to understand this judgment. Judgment of a quality that has always been with me but which I have never understood.
After the lesson, I sent the children on their way, staring blankly after them, wondering if they would soon feel as empty as I do. But we tried to keep them entertained in the hope that this would not happen. There were a few toys with us, though not very many. So we had to makeshift some more for them out of the things we found here. But we had plenty of time, so we found ways to be creative. We had limited clothes as well, so the children at times had to wear clothes that weren't designed for their sex. But they did not seem to mind this, and some of them were even pleased to, so it was not so large a concern.
Feeling once again disjointed and like I couldn't hold onto my sense of self, I began to cry into my hands for a long while. As this subsided, I went off to find Joshua. For he was the only one for whom I had ever felt comforted to share my feelings. And for those who are younger, I felt it would be too harsh, so I kept them in the dark.
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Often I would take the children on walks around the sphere. Although it was limited in size, it was still large enough to be able to change your scenery if you walked among it. There were different sections that were covered in curious things. In one portion there was a field of roses. And in another, some large trees. In a third, what looked like miniature versions of inactive volcanoes. One of the more curious was a single black monolith. I know not from whence any of this came. For the sphere itself did not seem to be a natural emergence. But various things and parts of reality seemed to be pulled onto it from somewhere, like it was a cosmic dumping ground. At times, I hoped that perhaps this was how I got here as well. That me and the others had not been rejected, and that this was all a cosmic accident. That somewhere out there there was someone still looking for me. But I knew that this was false.
On that day, I was watching the children and walking with them so as to give Joshua a rest. I feel like talking to Joshua helps me understand myself. Like there is a puzzle that is beginning to connect but for which I just can't find the final pieces for. His presence comforts me. More than a normal friend. Though I don't know what this feeling implies either.
I watched over the younger children as they played and felt, for a moment, happy. I had been here now for what I estimated to be several months and felt that we had done decently with what we were given. I was surprised at how much normality we had managed, despite everything. There was still much we were missing, of course. But we had devised activities and even facsimiles of normal rooms like a kitchen or living room. Though we could not replicate vidscreens unfortunately, and for this I felt a great loss. For that would have been a large source of activity.
I brought the children back to make food, and then after this sat down to eat with them. Our food selection was not amazing, but at least we had food at all. And even enough for some degree of variety in what we eat. These were small comforts. But we did what we could. And in my better moments, I considered that it might even be possible for us to escape this place one day. After all, there must have been a way in. So could there not also be a way out? All we need to do is survive. And in time we might find a way. We can manage that... right?
But fate is not always so kind. And on that day, our world was changed forever.
Later that day, I was walking around to look for the children to gather them for a short lesson. I was considering that my own knowledge was rather limited, and so there was much we could not share with them. But we could at least be assured they came to understand up to our own level of basic subjects.
Looking out to the distance, I saw some form of concerning shape. I could not tell what it was at first. It looked like some type of bird. But this seemed impossible. For we had been here (wherever here is) a long time, and there had never been birds here before. Or animals at all for that matter. But its appearance seemed ominous, so I figured I had best check it out.
I began to make my way towards the shape. I had heard the sounds of children playing earlier. But now it had become deathly quiet. I was getting more worried for the duration of my trek, until ultimately I heard screams in that direction. I began to run. But I was not prepared for what I found when bounding over the next hill. For on the other side were the bodies of two of the children, with monstrous demonic entities standing above them. At the moment, I could scarcely process what I was seeing. For I had never seen any being like this before. And even in light of where we were, I could not comprehend such a thing existing.
I froze, unsure of what to do. I was afraid for my life, fearing whether they would turn and see me. I felt guilt, like I should run in for the children, being not quite able to process what I was seeing, even though at a glance it was obvious they were already dead. I stood there for so long that had the creatures noticed and came for me, I would have perished instantly. But they took little interest, having prey already in front of them.
But eventually, one looked up and in my direction. And I will never forget that face. I had seen them as beasts. But it seemed to look at me with intentionality. And in this intentionality was... apathy. Like I did not matter to it. It did not see me as a threat. It didn't even care to come consume me at the moment. It looked at me like I was nothing. Like it could see right through me. And in that moment, my old overpowering feelings of being an empty shell began to come back once again.
But my senses came back to me. I began to run back to the ruins we used as living spaces, shouting for Joshua. I had no clue how to even begin to approach the issue. And my only hope was that he would be more knowledgeable on what to do than I.
Hearing my frightened calls, he came out running to see me. I turned around to see if they were following, but they were not yet. I tried to describe to him what was happening, but he struggled to understand. And he acted skeptical at first, though he understood that this was a serious matter and that he needed to prepare for what was about to happen.
But before there was time to do anything else, he looked over and saw them for himself. Large monstrous creatures who were now coming slowly in our direction. And he knew now that what I saw was real. We quickly brought the other children inside in the hopes of keeping them away from the creatures. But I did not know what else we could do. Walls would not protect us. We could hope that they are not aware enough to find us in the building. But that seemed more than a little implausible. I sat the children against the wall and then sat down myself with my face in my hands.
Eventually I looked to Joshua in despair. But my face turned cold seeing his expression of determination. He looked out the window off into the distance for a long time. And then looked back at me to speak.
“I am going to go out there to fight them. If we stay in here, they will come for us. I can't let that happen. If I do, we will all die together.”
He turned fully to me.
“You stay here. I know it is dangerous. But someone has to survive to take care of the children.”
I began to protest. But he cut me off before I could speak.
“Make no mistake, I don't intend to die here. I intend to drive them off. But just in case, we can't both go.”
My face turned white, and I began to plead with him.
“No, Joshua. If you go out there, you'll die! You can't... I can't do this without you. I'm nothing by myself.”
He put his hand on my shoulder.
“You have to learn to believe in yourself. And believe also in me. This is something I have to do. Just wait for me. I'll be back.”
He leaned in to give me a long hug. I don't know how long it lasted, but it seemed to go on through endless time. He tried to pull back, but I would not let him go. I began to cry once again as he pulled my arms off of him to get up and head out. He walked out slowly, and I watched after him as he came face to face with the demons, holding up a metal rod he had brought out as a makeshift weapon. This weapon was something we had kept hidden from the children. We kept it in case of danger, for we could not be certain that we would never be attacked. Though we hoped that we would never need it.
“Stand back, filth. I will show you the power of human will. I w...”
But he did not get to finish speaking. I cried out in shock and dismay as he was swatted to the ground in a single hit, blood spurting out in a way that made it clear at a glance that he died instantly from one swipe. The demons heard my voice, so I retreated back further into the room, telling the children to stay back and to hide.
I went numb. I was in denial at what I had just seen, having witnessed three deaths now in quick succession. I felt so overpowered with emotion that it made my feelings shut off, making me feel very empty. And in too much fear to process it clearly for the moment. I sat with my head in my hands, feeling powerless, at the back of the room, hoping the demons would not come for us.
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I woke up the next morning, not even having remembered dozing off. Looking around the room, it seemed like the other two were still there with me, though they were huddled in fear, uncertain of what would happen next. So perhaps the demons had left and had left us be for the moment. I got up to see what happened and exited the room, wondering if I would need to hide Joshua's body from the eyes of the other children. But when I came outside, he was simply gone. No body. No signs of a struggle. As if he had never been.
Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.
It made me feel almost dreamlike. As if Joshua and the others were nothing but hallucinations. But it was in this moment I realized he was gone for real. I collapsed to the ground and burst into tears, inconsolably. The two remaining children put their hands on me, trying to console me. But it was little comfort. I laid on the ground, clutching the place his body had fallen. The place that was now burned into my mind. And forever after, when I looked there, it was like I still saw his body falling. As if it were frozen in time, unable to fade.
I tried to continue on for the remaining children, but I had lost my motivation. I believed now that we were all going to die here sooner or later. And probably sooner. So all of it began to feel pointless. I had love for Joshua that I had never had for anyone before. I did not totally understand it myself at the time. But now that he was gone, I did all too well. I began going through the motions. But all the while I was waiting for the demons to come once again, assuming now that there was no escape for us. If they came back, what could I even do? We could hide, but we could not fight them.
The children noticed my changed demeanor. And I believed this affected them as well. And for this I began to feel intense guilt and self-hatred. For I could not pull myself to act normal living through a situation that felt hopeless. I began to merely sit around, staring into space, leaving them to their own devices. I didn't even bother with the schooling anymore.
I tried to put it out of my mind. I tried to focus on the positives. But I could not find a way to be happy now that I had no peer here with me to help by taking charge. Now that we sat over the graves of three like us who were dead. And now that it felt like this remaining time was slowly coming to a close. It is a funny feeling being nostalgic for the extremely recent past. A past that at the time you were not happy to be in. But now it seems like if you could just return to it, everything could be alright. After all, even back then, this is how I thought about my earlier life. But I did not feel at ease then either.
But in the end, the day finally came. The demons came back a second time. And this time, without Joshua's calm demeanor, I had no clue how to even approach it. I told the children to sit in a ring together, looking inward and closing their eyes. And I closed my eyes with them, lying to them that everything would be alright. I did not know what would happen past this point. But it felt like it was outside of our hands. I began to pray, hoping the providence of Sakras would protect us. But I did not feel like this would do much. For I no longer felt like anyone was watching over us. Once again, I was invisible. Not just me. All of us. We would live and die out here at the ends of infinity, with no one to even cry for us. And none would bother remembering that we ever were.
I felt the presence of the demons enter into the room with us. I did not know what would happen. I intended not to open my eyes. But in the last moment I did. Seeing them lifting up the children and being filled with rage, I stood up to rush them, no longer caring what happened to me. But they pushed me back, slamming me against the wall and knocking me out. And I knew nothing more of what happened that night.
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I woke up once more and looked around. And I realized now that one of the worst-case scenarios had come to pass. Because not only one, but both remaining children were now gone. I peeked outside the door to see if anyone still remained there, but I saw no one. I wandered around calling for them in the hopes that they were merely hiding. But I found no one outside either. I slumped to the ground, now feeling totally empty and uncertain where to go from here. Why did the demons leave me? Was it to mock me for my powerlessness?
In the end, I was alone. I wandered around, not knowing what to do. Eventually, I walked back to the space where we had made a makeshift schoolroom. But now the whole activity felt like it had been a futile effort. But seeing this did give me an idea. I did something that did not occur to me to do earlier. And in the absence of anything else to focus on, went back to create graves for the others who were lost. I was not sure if all of them were really dead. But I figured that I would not see them again either way. I said a prayer for their souls and the hope that wherever they were, living or dead, that they could be at peace.
I reflected on the fact that they were there with me, wondering how they had gotten there as well. Were they also unwanted? Were they also those cast out for violating the imperceptible but all powerful social order by those they trusted most? I reflected on the fact that in all my time with them, I had not asked this of them. Perhaps I was afraid. Not just for them, but for myself. Because who am I? I wish I could protect all those who were rejected like I was. That we could band together in solidarity against those who had forsaken us. But I did not even know why I was rejected. And I had no power to do so either way. I was given one chance to be a protector, and I could do nothing. The deaths of all of them weigh heavily on me.
Having no one else to live for now, it occurred to me that I could also take my own life. And then finally the pain could stop. But I figured that doing this would barely have a point anyways. The demons would come back for me. And sickening though it made me feel, I felt like I would at least rather not die alone. And even if it were for so dark a purpose, I would rather die knowing I was wanted for at least something, if only to be consumed.
I kept eating, sleeping, drinking. Doing everything that people do to stay alive. But I was no longer sure why I did these things. I was only staying strong for them. And now that they are gone, I can no longer say what my purpose is. Even if the demons never come back, so what? I don't know how to escape this place. And I don't know how long I can stand being here alone. I walked to and fro among the ruins. Read the few books over and over. Lived the same life every day. With no one around, I was free to be who I wanted. But if you are alone, are you really anyone? Clothes can reveal your identity. But what is identity when there is none to see it? And who would I even be if given a chance?
But in the end, I never had to make a decision. The time finally came. It was day or night. Such distinctions had no meaning here. And I saw the demons come again one final time. At this point, I was no longer sure if I even cared. For all my feelings now felt as hollow as the shell that encapsulates me. I could tell that they had seen me as well, looking back at them from inside the building. And they began to move slowly in my direction. Leisurely, as if they knew I could not escape, and so there was no need of haste. I stood there to watch for a long time, having nothing else to do.
I saw the demons begin to close in. I considered my options. But at this point there was no longer anything I could do. I could not run. I could not hide. In the past, when there were others, I could hope that perhaps they did not count all of us. That at some point they would simply leave and leave us be. But there was no longer anyone else. They were here now, for me, and me alone. I felt a kind of twisted glee, knowing that at least one final time my presence mattered to something.
I suppose if I really wanted, I could try to buy a few minutes by backing off. But what would I do with a few more minutes? I walked out to meet them. Not confidently, but resigned. The end comes for everyone. For some, it must just come a bit sooner after all. There is no karma in this world. I could not expect justice, having seen it denied to the others around me. And I wondered, if I could do it all again, would I still touch that which must not be touched? It was something so simple to put on. And it meant so much to me. I could not understand why it inspired such hatred. I wondered, were the other children here for the same reason? I suppose now I would never know.
But I stopped my contemplation suddenly, as a shocked expression came onto my face. For I saw that I was not alone. What I saw in front of me was so surprising that at first I was not sure whether I was hallucinating. For in front of the old building looking at the demons was an older man covered in a circle of light, wearing monk robes, and holding a long walking staff. Seeing me come out, he looked over to me, though his own face did not show any tone of surprise. He looked around, most likely to see if there were any others with me, but seeing no one, he walked over to me and began to speak. His voice was soft, bearing a tone that before now I had never heard.
“How does one fall out this far? In the far reaches of infinity?“
I was confused what he was asking at first. But I realized that he was asking me how I arrived in this place. I looked back at the demons, out in the field, but which were coming closer. But they did not seem to be in any hurry. So we had time to speak before the end.
“I... I don't know. I don't even know where I am. I have been here for many months. But there is no day or night here, so I don't know how long.“
“Are there others with you?”
“...There was. But I am alone now. The demons would come and take us from time to time. And now, there is no one left.”
I didn't intend this. But I began to cry.
“They were children. Most of them. I was supposed to protect them. But against the demons, I couldn't do anything. They trusted me, but I let them die.”
The monk looked down, contemplating, and made a gentle face in my direction, overpowering.
“There is not always something you can do. What is important is that you tried. But for now, it is at least good that you survived. And your life too has value.”
“Yes, but...”
“Come, walk with me.”
He began to walk. I wasn't sure what to do, but realizing I had nothing else to do at the moment but be hunted, I began to follow him. I looked back in fear, for the demons were growing nearer and now following us closely. But despite this, they kept their distance, either unwilling or unable to enter within the ring of light that surrounded him. Sensing my terror, he spoke back to me as he walked.
“Fear not. If you stay close, they will not be able to harm you.”
These words brought me little comfort. For there were several demons, and they remained just out of reach, making me feel like if I were to fall behind I would be quickly devoured. I did not know whether he could be certain they would not come close to him, but I had no other options at the moment, and so followed quietly, all the while looking back to see them trailing us, skittering around and waiting patiently as if to see when we would become vulnerable once again.
We continued walking, demons in tow, bringing us back to the monolith. He put his hand on it, feeling around as if looking for something or sensing its properties. But when he was satisfied, he stuck his staff into the ground, lighting up his other hand to touch the monolith. As he did so, the ground began to open, cracking and shifting to allow a way down beneath the surface. And I was shocked. For in all the time I had been here, this was something that before now I had never seen.
I looked up at him in amazement. For these were things I had never seen a human do. And, feeling now more lucid, I wanted to ask about what it was that I had seen.
“I have been here so long. But I still have no idea. Do you know what this place is?”
He picked up his staff, and began to descend to the level below. I followed him dutifully.
“This is the cosmic egg. A quantum singularity core. It is said that when this emerged from Tehom, the primordial sea of possibility, and was opened, it was from this that Sakras emerged. And from the egg was differentiated the line that divided the heavens from the earth.”
I looked up at him, shocked. I had heard stories like this when I was young, but I had never taken them particularly seriously.
“But that's not real, is it? It's just a myth.”
He continued on, glancing slightly back.
“Who is to say what is real? The life-world itself is a construct of the mind. But you still find yourself having to live within it. And we are here, are we not? So we must make the best of it.”
I looked down, thinking about his words. Its true that for much of the time that I had been here I did not feel fully lucid. I was never even sure where “here” even was. It was hard to say that the place I found myself felt real. And to tell the truth, this had been the case since long before coming to the egg. But that was no matter. For I did not feel real either. It was like I was watching a simulation. Seeing from third person a figure composed of ones and zeroes interacting with an equally ephemeral world. And sometimes, when I zoned out enough, even the image faded. Revealing beneath it only the cold blackness of the void.
But I suppose I had no reason to scrutinize what he was saying. I had no other perspective to compare it with, at least. But that did leave one thing still resting on my mind.
“But... who are you? Why have you come to this place?”
He responded in an even keel.
“I am a traveler. I go to forgotten places to bring back those who end up there.”
I thought about this.
“You are here... for me?”
He turned to look at me.
“Yes. But now that I am here, there is something I must collect before we go. It is something that will be useful to us later on.”
We entered into the beneath level, and the demons began to follow in behind us. But his staff stayed lit, and so it remained bright despite the descent. The inside of the egg was dark, having an abstract appearance. Behind us, the demons were still following closely, though staying outside of the light of the staff.
Inside the egg, I could see it now, like looking into a hollow inverted world, seeing through to the other side. Although with limited light, it was not very easy to make out details, it was still an interesting sight. Though I had been on the outside for so long and was aware that it was not a very large space, seeing it internally made it feel totally different. As if the visible surface contained only one small slice of the larger understanding, shielding it from something that could only be seen within.
All the aspects of the outer shell contained structures that led to the center. And at the center was another smaller sphere. This was what he seemed to be walking to. I was beginning to be very curious, despite everything. Though I would have followed him either way, on account of the impending danger.
At the center, he arrived at what looked like a pedestal of some kind, though it was dark and inert. He moved his hands along it from the side while walking, as if looking for something. At first, he seemed to struggle to find what he was looking for. Leading me to be concerned that we had now become trapped on the inside for nothing, due to the row of demons now blocking the path behind us. But eventually he seemed to discover something. He tapped a part of the core with his staff, leading to a part of it opening, which he reached in and retrieved something from. It looked kind of like a small black sphere. But it was oddly shaped, as if you could see the inside from the outside. And it was unclear whether it was a natural gem or an artifice. I asked about it, as I could not help myself.
“What is that?”
He held it up.
“This is a Qliphoth. It is a dark outer shell that can be used to conceal the light within.”
I wasn't sure what to say. But this did not seem to have any meaning to me.
“I don't really get it.”
“Think of it like a constraint. It is like a veil that can obscure the true essence of something that lies underneath. The destruction of the cosmic egg was an event known as the shattering of the vessels. And this is something that was broken through. But sometimes one thing has to be shattered to make way for something new.”
He looked over at me. I looked away, embarrassed. Not really sure what he was saying. He put away the Qliphoth in his sleeve and then turned around, observing the figures that were now blocking our retreat.
“Please, stay back.” He said. I stepped back to get out of his way. He turned to face the demons, with a serene expression still on his face. He placed the staff in the ground once again and made a prayerful pose, whispering a mantra quietly to himself.
“The great orb, who in his rising dispels the night.”
Looking up at them, he spoke once again.
“Begone from this place, demons, and return peacefully from whence you came.”
But the demons still stared at him, unimpressed. And continued to make their way further towards him. He shook his head.
“Be it that way if it must.”
Reaching into his robe, he took out a bell, ringing it loudly. The demons seemed displeased by the sound, reeling back slightly. But before they could react, he had already rushed forward, grabbing up his staff in the process and, with it, slicing one of them clean in two.
The other demons looked at him as if in shock, being unprepared for this. But upon seeing it, they rushed at him, hoping to quickly overwhelm him with numbers. He spun his staff, putting up another spinning barrier of light that repelled them back. But they were prepared for this now, after the first mishap, and so began to claw at the barrier, seeking to tear through it.
But as they were held back by the barrier itself and their limited movement, he brought his staff back, stabbing it through a second one of them, and then swinging the body at the others to buy him some time. They dodged around the body, rushing and swinging at him, putting him on the defensive. He took a few steps back as they advanced at him, being temporarily pushed off by their aggression. But they began a series of parries back and forth, with him swinging lines of light at them.
But as the numbers of the demons grew slightly smaller, they had begun to spread out more. They had surrounded him. But it was not this I was concerned about. For now that they were on all sides of him, the ones who had been repelled from my location by his presence could now turn their back on him, coming towards me instead. I had hoped that their fear of him would have them leave me alone for them to face him first. But judging by their advancing eyes and claws, I was not to be so lucky.
I panicked and closed my eyes, thinking that this was now finally the end. Even if he could defend himself, this does not mean that he could defend me at the same time. And the enemies were still decent in number. So he would perhaps be joining me soon as well. Perhaps I deserve this, though. For I also was unable to protect those who were close to me. Even though they were the lost and the forsaken like I myself was. I deserve a fate no better than theirs.
I closed myself into a fetal position, waiting for the end. And I waited. But the promised end never came. I was too terrified to open my eyes. Though this was not the first time that I had had such a feeling. Feeling forever boxed in by the crystal sheen.
But eventually the sounds began to subside. The screeches of the demons faded away. And all became once again still. I dared not hope that he had really beaten them. But I could not wait forever. Cautiously, I opened my eyes to see the monk walking towards me. He reached a hand down at me.
“Are you alright?”
I looked around. To my surprise, the demons had all been slain. And nothing else remained in the space around me but the two of us. I was shocked to still be alive, having already accepted my fate long ago. But coming to understand now what had transpired, I realized that beyond my wildest hopes, that it was in fact coming true that I might finally leave this place. I looked up at him, trying to remain calm, though shaking all over.
“Yeah. I'm okay.”
“That is good. We should be on our way momentarily. But I am tired after such an activity. And so I would like to take a short rest.”
With this, he sat down on a rock that was on top of a small pile, restfully. I in turn sat down next to him, with my arms around my knees, feeling now worn out as well. But I was still full of questions. And I figured that now was as good of a time to begin them as any.
“What were those things? For the whole time we have been here, we were alone. Then suddenly, they came and snatched away my siblings. I tried, but I... I couldn't stop them. And...”
I sunk my head lower beneath my legs.
“But I couldn't do anything. And now they are all dead. Or gone. Or whatever. I don't even know. They could be anywhere.”
He looked over at me for awhile and then began speaking quietly.
“Do not blame yourself for what you could not avoid. For not all things will be within your power.”
He looked back forward.
“Those were the demons of Sakras. Dark forces that emanate from his left hand, to carry out his will.”
I thought about this quizzically.
“But isn't Sakras the head of the gods? Are the demons not his enemies?”
He shook his head.
“From the human perspective, you are supposed to perceive this as such. But Sakras is the originator of both light and darkness. Though he feigns a struggle against the gods of his right hand, in truth it is all held by him. From one angle he promises rewards, and from the other he threatens curses.
“In the end, it is all designed as one system. Not altogether unlike a twisted form of yin and yang. Even rebellion is factored into it. Which is why true liberation is not so easy a matter.”
I thought about his words. I would have been in shock at this earlier in my life. But I suppose nothing was shocking to me now. For now, all I could think of was escape. Escape from this place, of course. But... not just that. What I really sought to escape was myself. But I did not know how.
I was not fully cognizant of it at the time, but I believed he sensed my hesitations. Looking over to me, he began to speak once again.
“Ah, but I have not asked this yet. So tell me, what is your name?”
I thought about this. For some reason, the question once again brought me great pain. It was just my name. A thing that was so simple. Yet I found myself hesitating as if unsure what to tell him.
“My name is...”
I paused.
“Tuan.”
The monk looked at me with a calm expression and then looked forward for awhile, as if contemplating. But he looked back at me with understanding eyes.
“It seems to me that your name brings you great pain. If you would like to have another one, now is the time.”
I thought about this and about what it meant to have a name.
“Are we not constrained by who we are? I couldn't save them. I can't imagine ever being anyone else.”
He looked forward and spoke again.
“The self is ever-changing. You die and are reborn moment to moment. You feel guilt over what happened. And you believe that this marks you as one who is unworthy in the same ways you have been treated. But it is only you who can define your future. It is only you who can decide where your path leads. And in the end, what you will find beyond it.”
I thought this over. And I was starting to feel more optimistic for the first time in a long time. For it felt like I was having a door opened to me that I had heretofore not even known existed. I hesitated once more, thinking over what was being asked of me and the gravity of the suggestion if I were to comply. What lie on the other side of this door? And who would I be if I were to take the choice to walk through it?
But I knew now that this was where my future lied. Or rather, my present. My past. Where I had always been. The door was no mystery. For on the other side, it was myself that I would find. The self that I had always been searching for. And the one that had been searching for me as well.
And I understood now that I was not powerless. There are lost children in every community, in every age, in every world. Those who had been forsaken like I had. And if I was going to survive, I could be strong for them. And continue to work so that others would not be forsaken like I had been. I can't bring back the fallen. But I could work to make sure that none would fall again.
I looked back with determination.
“My name is...”