Season 3: Chapter 81: The Power of SOAP
SOAPsoapsoapsoapsoapsoapsoapsoapSOAP!
SOAP!?
Ehem.
Collecting myself, I ordered Simp up the stairs, the hilariously buff goblin ambling up like a gorilla to present me with the present left behind by… Tipsy?
Mipsy?
Dipsy?
Whatever, I'd have to thank the pointy-eared for this gift.
“My Lord. The half-foot give warning. Rocks are hot and handle with care!” Simp reported, the goblin taking extra care to steady the gift.
Hot?
Eyeing the bar of fat and oil, it was evident what it was given its shape, color, and faint floral scent, but now the question remained…
HOW DID SHE MAKE IT?! And where could I get more?!
I didn't know, but Slimey carefully took the package.
Wait. Were these rocks lye?
Suddenly an unhappy memory took me, images of tan-skinned people scraping bark off trees.
I was in a humid juggle, back in my old life wearing fatigues and sunglasses, playing on an old blue gameboy as I watched a group of villagers burn logs of wood and sticks.
It wasn't my idea of a vacation standing in eighty degree “cool” season weather, but it was part of the mission that I'd been given by my superiors.
Of course, officially, I was never here. My job was just to observe and report as an “advisor” to the local rebels. And as part of my, “advising” I had to learn the culture and layout of the land, including how they acquired their source of income.
Which, like most rebel groups was through drugs, smuggling, and well… soap of all things.
Back in my chamber, I tried to recall the process of soap making as I stared at the white powder and the bar of soap.
Lye, or sodium hydroxide? Was a byproduct of leaching wood ashes, a caustic ingredient which made sense why Mimpsy told Simp it was hot.
By combining lye and oils from animal fat, a process known as saponification would occur, a chemical reaction that would transform the two ingredients into soap once properly mixed.
Add in flowers, herbs, and so on, and the end product would be modern day soap.
Now, the question was, how did the gnome produce this in my dungeon?
She didn't have it on her before I had captured her.
And how did I know that you may be asking?
Well, after imprisoning the humanoids, I had Slimey thoroughly searched every one of them to make sure they were clean and didn't have any hidden items on them. Of course, most of the items they carried were fairly useless with the exception of mana and health vials.
Wait.
My garden! The area I had set up for Buttstalion to eat as well as to gather anima mana. But I didn't have any trees? So where did they get hardwood from?! Was there a plant that could be boiled down? Burned into ashes and leached for lye?!
I wouldn't get answers just speculating! I need ingredients! Tests! More suds! But first!
A BATH!
First, Capybara dug a hole in a chamber.
Second, Slimey used her slimes to transport acidic sewer water from the lower floors.
Next, Buttstalion and Slimey purified the sludge while Gobledo and my knights set up torches alongside my spiders stringing up glowstones to set the mood.
And lastly, after breaking off a bit of the soap and placing it into the water, Ayaka heated the now sterile pool with fire magic until finally, a sweet scent flooded the chamber with boiling bubbles churning in the water.
Twenty minutes had passed, and the most important project had been finalized and it was…
Beautiful.
If I had tear ducts, I could cry.
Before me now sat a pool of steamy hot soapy water, a small bath surrounded by dozens of knights that stood at attention around the room.
Slimey, set me down into the water!
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The Queen Slime did as ordered, walking into the water with me, her clothes slithering off her form to be placed beside the pool.
The water was warm against my rubber, soapy, a sense of congestion clearing up in my squeaker.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Ah… this is so nice.
Bobbing up and down in the soapy water, Slimey began to wash me, duplicating herself to touch and prod my yellow body with gentle hands that created numerous suds.
Before long, I was surrounded by bubbles, a warm feeling churning in my core.
This is really nice.
Maybe the only thing that could make this better would be music.
Slimey turned her heads, narrowing her eyes at a goblin knight that snapped too and began to belt out an opera.
Surprisingly, the goblin’s singing wasn't half bad but why was he singing God Shattering Star?
…
…
…
Ahhhh. It's like my body and soul is disintegrating away into bliss… oh!
This feeling. I must share it!!!
Everyone!
At my command, the rows of goblin knights surrounding my bathing chamber stood at attention.
To the garden! PLUCK OUT AND BURN EVERYTHING TO ASHES! WE'RE GETTING LYE! EVEN IF I HAVE TO TEAR DOWN EVERY TREE OUTSIDE WE SHALL HAVE SOAP!!!! SOAP!
[+50 Devotion]
““Soap! Soap! Soap!””
Gobledo and the others began to chant, exiting out of my bathroom in an orderly manner with Simon yelling as he carried another chanting goblin above his head.
****
Two Months later.
Sitting on horseback and overlooking the demon Lord's castle, Lhikan frowned, the papal servant observing the landscape before him that was engulfed in flames.
“Is… is it just me or are things different than last we left it?” Jesse said, the rogue adjusting his air filter as he brushed his similarly filter wearing mount. “I'm not the only one seeing everything on fire right?”
“This does explain all the acid rains.” Tipsy noted, the gnome standing on Lhikan's shoulders to observe the dark purple clouds above. “I wonder….”
“D-do you think something happened to the hero?” Simone let out worriedly, her eyes scanning the fields of burning trees.
Lhikan shook his head.
“No. I believe the Godblade is alive and well,” Lhikan said, pointing at a group of goblins milling about around a marble statue of a rubber duck. “This must be another one of his projects.”
“Just my luck.” Jesse groaned. “And here I was hoping we came all this way for nothing. Well, at least I can see my green-scaled muscle momm-OW!”
“Behave you two. Lord Hiro is very temperamental.” Lhikan rebuked, glaring at Simone and Jesse. “I would prefer we'd all leave here with our heads still upon our shoulders. Now let's move.”
Lhikan and his party moved down the cliff, holding aloft the miniature totem of the Godblade’s new form as they approached the goblins.
At first, the goblins were startled upon spotting the humans, but after seeing the totem, the group visibly relaxed.
The lead goblin, a goblin knight, recognized Lhikan and Simone immediately and began signing to his old teachers.
“Hey… is it me or uh… do these goblins seem more human-like?” Jesse asked, the pocket-pilferer whispering to Tipsy.
Every goblin present had… hair on their heads. A trait that normally eluded the bald goblins, even the females of their species were normally bald. More than that, their appearances were more refined, delicate, their skin almost as smooth as the noblewomen who strutted into town to flaunt their wealth.
“Monsterenium isn't my specialty. Plus you tall men look just about the same except with pink skin.” Tipsy replied, taking out a gadget to record several buff shirtless goblins carrying logs of woods.
Jesse blinked, taking a moment to process the gnome's words.
“Hey wait, did you just compare me to a-”
“Come. This way.” Lhikan said, beckoning his party member forward with their new guide leading the way.
It wasn't long before the group were led to an ornately decorated perfect square in the ground covered by a wooden sliding door stamped with the symbol of a duck.
But that wasn't the most impressive thing.
Entering the tunnel, Lhikan and the others were greeted to the sight of large wooden mining carts with wheels made of blue that were affixed to tracks.
This way honored guests. Much has changed since your last visit. We use public transit to get around. The goblin signed, untying a cart door to allow the party to board.
“Public transit?” Tipsy asked, eyeing what appeared to be ash residue all along the cart.
It's to move people from one place to another quickly. The goblin explained as the cart began to move on its own.
“In-incredible! How is it moving?!” Simone asked, clutching the side of the cart as it began to pick up speed.
Bones. The guide replied, prompting everyone to look at the wheels before realizing that the cart was made mobile thanks to the mechanisms being made of animated bones!
Immediately the group of adventurers soured, all but Lhikan who remained stoic and Tipsy who began clamoring over the side to inspect the cart wheels.
However, her excitement soon turned into awe as their cart entered a massive cavern filled with tracks and carts moving to and fro. A complete underground transit system with dozens of carts carrying wood, water, plants, and monsters.
“Holy crap!” Tipsy exclaimed.
After their cart ride, Lhikan and the others disembarked into a familiar corridor, the walls reminiscent of the dungeon they knew but… different.
Vastly different.
What was once a sledge filled sewer was now replaced by crystal clear flowing water. A far cry from the caustic acidic mess it had once been. Instead, every ounce of the sewer pathway was pristine, clear, and lit by rows of torches with monsters going about their day with some goblins even fishing!
“Looks like he's been busy.” Jesse whistled, noting the rows of stately support beams carved with images of a duck.
“Is that… honeysickle?” Simone asked, the priestess looking around and sniffing the fragranr air through her gas mask. “Why do I smell honeysickle?”
I bid you adieu. The soot-coveted goblin bowed, heading towards a room that had hot steam exiting it's interior with the words
[A Clean Space, is a Happy Place]
Written above the doorframe.
“Huh…” Jesse let out before a collective gasp was heard from Tipsy and Simone.
Turning, Jesse went wide eyed, his jaw agape as he stared at the pale-skinned goblin in shiny reflective armor augmented with leaves and silk. But that wasn't what caught the party's attention, instead, what made them gasp was the goblin's chiseled jaw, his bright fangs, piercing blue eyes, and lushes golden hair that went down to his slender waist.
[A/N insert mewing goblin]
“Welcome, Lord Lhikan.” Gobledo said in perfect basic, the Holy-Goblin flicking his long shiny hair to the side before nodding to the stunned party of papal staff.
“By the goddess.” Simone whispered. “He's beautiful.”