Chapter 66: Idiots

Goblins stormed my chambers, dozens of them, all brandishing weapons as my honor guard lined up, my goblin loyalists rallying to defend me and my throne.

“Down wit da false God!”

“Kill da false God!”

“Glory to da goddess!!”

“GLORRY!”

The enemy goblins began to scream, making me confused.

Goddess?

I swear I turn my attention away for FIVE seconds, and suddenly there's a new god in the area.

“Bite yous tongue!” Gobledee spat, unsheathing his silver blade, the commander standing before the armored phalanx with his blade drawn, the goblin knights shifting into a spear wall formation. “Any yous slander our God will die! Die!”

“The Yellow One is no god! Come! Join us Commanderz!” The enemy leader pleaded, a goblin boss, “We show yous the true path!”

“HERETIC!!” Gobeldee screamed, glowing. The goblin’s outburst actually giving me devotion points.

Sigh… I really don’t need this right now. Observing the goblins bickering about gods, I scanned my domain in RTS mode, picking up the various things going on.

Slimey was sitting in a room, purifying Simone while Ayaka stitched her dress.

Lhikan was out, still on gnome capturing with Buttstalion as his healer and mount.

And lastly, the most interesting of all things, Zorin being carried on her hardened spider-silk bed like a queen by several goblins while Jesse walked nervously behind them.

Ok… somehow I have an inkling as to the cause of this disturbance.

I decided to reach out, to question the rebels that had so brazenly stormed my chambers and timing it when they knew Slimey was away.

Who is this goddess you speak of? I asked, my mind touching up on the psyches of these intruders.

“Muscle Mommy of COUSE!” The goblin boss shouted enthusiastically before Zorin entered, carried by my former servants as the entire rebellion bowed.

What?

“We worship at da altar of muscle mother!”

““Muscle mother!””

“”Muscle mother!””

“Squish me with your thighs!”

““Muscle mother!””

“Praise be to da goddess!”

Of course… somehow. Despite not doing ANYTHING at all, you've made trouble for me…

““PRAISE!”” The mutineers exclaimed, drawing the ire of Gobeldee and my loyalists.

“What is the meaning of this?!!” Slimey hissed, my Champion entering the chamber, expanding, her true form flooding through the hordes of goblins to take her right place beneath me. “YOU DARE?! YOU DARE TO RAISE UP ARMS AGAINST OUR LORD?!”

“ITS the Great Flooder! We were too late!” The leader of the rebels exclaimed after getting his bearings, fear, fully evident in his eyes as he turned to Zorin sleeping soundly. “Protect us Muscle Goddess!”

Zorin snorted, the large croco-girl without a care in the world.

“THE MUSCLE MOTHER HAS FORSAKEN USSES!” A goblin shrieked, causing the others to begin running around in a blind panic.

Suddenly Jesse stepped forward, the man fidgeting with his hands as Simone entered the chamber with an entourage of goblins.

“Enough.” I sent as Slimey's emotions began to grow ecstatic.

Slimey's form began to shift, transform, her feminine features changing into a masculine male in a priestess’s dress as I took control of her body and sat upon my chiseled throne.

Bloodlust filled the room, not from me, but from Slimey, my champion doing her utmost to strike fear into the hearts of the entire chamber that kneeled before my throne.

My eyes glared down at the goblins quaking fear as the Dragon Slayer began to orbit me.

“You will have one opportunity to explain yourselves before I execute you all for insubordination.” I said, the entire throne no populated with bystanders and trustees, monsters that had come to witness the spectacle.

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“Uh… ehem!” Jesse let out, chuckling nervously. “ok…uh, let me… Let me-”

Jesse went wide eyed, the seven foot tall black blade impaled in the ground beside his feet.

“Speak.” I ordered, the rogue immediately kowtowing.

“It was my fault! I was making a silly joke about how muscle women are the best!” Jesse exclaimed before lifting his head, “And how Zorin was akin to a goddess made real! Her chiseled abs! Her strong tail! Massive biceps! Luxurious green hair!-”

Jesse began to rise, tears flowing down his face as the rebel goblins nodded and saluted.

Ok. Why does it feel like it's suddenly gotten weird in here?

“-innoccent face that betrays her banging body sculpted by the goddess Destina herself! Her perky! Yet firm and voluptuous chest! Her round peach shaped ass! Should a man be punished for his preferences?! No! NAY!” Jesse screamed, signing his words to the goblins behind him that were being whipped into a frenzy. “I WORSHIP! AT THE ALTAR OF THE MUSCLE MOTHERS! THE TITANIC WOMEN! THE GYM SISTERS! THE LEAN BEEF PATTIES! For what is a man without a mountain to climb?!”

“May I kill him my Lord?” Slimey asked, the subject of her ire frothing at the mouth.

No. He may have a use after all.

“Focus. Jesse.” I sent, startling the man who had gone on a passionate tangent about his preferred waifus, inspiring the crowd, even my own goblins had gained an inspiration buff.

“Ah… right.” Jesse blinked, regaining his composure and hastily bowing. “Please! Sir! I humbly apologize! I did not know my taste in women would be so infectious.”

“Please milord. Let me kill him!” Slimey begged, the Dragon Slayer beside the man quivering.

Ah. An idea.

“You…” I spoke, the minions that were frozen in place, waiting on my word, Gobledee raring to punish the traitors. “Are forgiven.”

My gaze shifted to the goblins.

“What is your name goblin.” I asked, focusing on the goblin boss that was shaking anxiously.

“G-glep.” The goblin replied, head down, the Dragon Slayer hovering above him.

“Glep. You worship my warrior’s psyche as if she were a goddess. So entranced with her body, you would dare to raise arms against me.” I sent, the monster quivering. “But, do you know how she obtained that psyche? How she gained that body?”

“N-no b-boss.”

“She worked out.”

“Worked out?” Glep replied, confused.

“Yes. She, is a servant of mine. A warrior in my service that followed my instructions to obtain her body.” I said casually, lying as easily as I breathed. “Would you like to learn the secret? To gain her affection?”

“Please! My Loord!” Glep barked. “Anything to be closer to her grace!”

“To serve Zorin, is to serve me. Do you swear to do all in your might to follow in accordance with my will?”

“YEEEESS!” The goblin let out, on his knees and pleading to the throne.

This goblin, like most. Were cowards. But despite their cowardly nature, they all wanted a purpose. Something to strive for. A cause above fighting and eating. A deep rooted need hardcoded into all goblins no doubt from their creators to inspire them to fight.

“Then rise, not as Glep. But as… Simp…. Simp of Zorin, Gainer of Muscles.”

The goblin raised his head, my will dominating his and adding him to my collection. With Gobledo gone, It was clear I needed more management, and this goblin boss had already evolved without my assistance and garnered the respect of many goblins.

Between teaching Gobledee and Slimey weapon techniques, setting new traps, searching for the gnome, fortifying my dungeon areas, and minion management, ON TOP OF, monitoring the humans and monsters… well.

I needed help. And distractions for my growing army that was bored, restless, and apparently easily confused.

“Simp, I shall teach you a sacred art. One used in time immortal by those who have experienced great pain. The remedy for many a heartbreak and cloudy thoughts. I shall teach you… The Art of Swole.” I said, the goblin moved to tears as it gazed upon my throne. “Are you ready?”

“Y-yes!”

“One hundred push ups. One hundred situps. One hundred squats. Fifty pull ups. Six mile run. Three days a week.” I said, of course lying through my teeth but I need something to distract the goblins that had no amenities.

Simp went wide-eyed, the instructions beaming into his mind from our bond thanks to Impart Instruction.

“Go. Teach the others. Know that I am as merciful as I am ruthless.” I instructed, the goblin taking off with Zorin still asleep, leaving only my honorguard and Jesse.

Crisis. Averted.

“Uh… what… what should I do?” Jesse asked, scratching his head nervously.

“Don't touch anything. Don't speak. In fact. Go to your room.” I ordered, feeling as though I were speaking to a child and not a grown adult.

Jesse quickly took off, Simone chasing after the man as Ayaka entered the chamber atop her Titan and nearly flattened the two who quickly hugged the nearby wall.

“Great, what now?” I asked, looking down at the duo of spiders.

“Uhm. Can Jorvaskr, Snevelkek, and I go out?”

“Who?”

“Jorvaskr!” Ayaka said, leaning down to pat the head of the armored spider below her. “Snevelkek is me phase spider.”

Ok… I didn't realize they had names.

“Out where?”

“To go hunting!”

A strange request. Mostly because the five-inch drider never wanted to do anything unless it was eating mold.

Something was afoot.

“....Why?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.

“Jorvaskr is close to leveling up! And he wants to evolve too!” Ayaka said, hopping up and down atop the tank equivalent of a spider.

Hmm. If he levels up and evolves, I would gain another strong monster.

“And where do you plan to go hunting?”

“Around! Nothing we can't handle! There's a few dungeon cores active outside of the mapped areas. So we're gonna deal with them!”

Ah… that's right. Ayaka has been down here for nearly as long as me. Of course she'd be familiar with other forces.

“Fine. But don't go past the fifth strata.” I relayed, the fifth strata of course being the Castle Throne room.

“Yay!” Ayaka let out, beaming with such positivity that part of my skin turned red from Slimey's disgust.

“And don't stay out too late!”

“Ok.”

“And if things get dangerous, call.”

“Ok.”

“And wear a condom!” I don't know why I said that last bit but it just felt appropriate for some reason.

“I don't know what that is, but ok!” Ayaka replied innocently before doing a little dance in place as her Titan spun and marched out of the room with her riding it.

Sigh… they grow up so fast.

****

Lhikan narrowed his eyes, the air filter on his face uncomfortable now that he'd spent some time without wearing it.

He looked down, eyeing the disabled trap that Buttstalion was lighting up using its horn.

“She was here.” Lhikan said, the monster unable to understand him but there to help him along with two goblins. After several days, Lhikan had finally built a pattern in the gnome's movements.

Every trap disarm, every marking left behind on the walls, signs for her to map the area out to rescue us.

She was planning an attack, and soon. The artificer oddly honorable all things considered. Most people he knew would have already abandoned him and the others to their fates.

The Paladin gave hand signals, signing to the pair to be vigilant. Never in his life did he think he would be working alongside goblins, but the armored monsters obeyed and followed his orders, not once questioning it or making a racket.

Perhaps the most professional soldiers he'd ever had under his command.

Caution. Shields up.

The two goblins nodded as Lhikan followed the trail of broken traps, walking in tandem with markings on a wall until-

Click

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