Mario jumped, as he was known to do.

He had returned after a long month’s journey travelling from a distant continent, collecting the Seven Mushroom Souls scattered across the planet in hopes of delaying its use in sealing ancient evils should they ever arise, and teaming up with the five men and women who were currently behind him.

And they stood brave.

* T.T., the brave time soldier that had fought in the bloody Temporal Wars and later helped defeat the evil Wizpig on Timber’s Island.

* Princess Shokora, the spirit of a long-lost royalty of a long-lost civilization, brought back to life by the power of friendship.

* Jamie Thang, a pink-afro-wearing disco dancer and all-around groovy gal.

* Gene, former pro-golfer and current master of the swordsman arts and seeker of female love.

* And finally, Geno, the doll-brought-to-life we all know and love.

Together, they could do anything.

Bowsette responded to Mario’s jump predictably; she shot several fireballs into the air and left herself completely defenseless for a deadly Geno Beam attack that pushed her into the staircase at the back of the foyer.

Mario landed right next to her, thudding against the ground and meeting her eyes with a determined glare. Their eyes took note of each other for just one split second, but in that moment they realized each other’s presence. Not just as opponents, but as full-fledged enemies. He threw a punch at her, but she grabbed him by the wrist and flung him over her shoulder and crashing onto the floor behind her. Due to the extremely well-waxed tile he slid another ten feet before coming to a complete stop.

Geno followed up his beam with a Geno Whirl, a disc so powerful that, timed correctly, it could cause critical damage with just a graze. He charged up the attack, launched it forward, and--

Bowsette caught it. “Kakakaka!”

She threw it back, this time at Jamie T., who was currently dancing instead of fighting. It hit her and knocked her out immediately.

Gene took out some magic pistols and began firing what appeared to be magic lasers. Mario didn’t keep very good track of his allies’ abilities this time around, to be honest. Toadsworth, who was entering the vicinity holding a Triple Pie, freaked out and jumped, the pie flying briefly into the air. Bowsette responded by jumping, taking that pie, and launching it into Gene’s face. He fell backwards and was disabled for the next several minutes, if not longer.

Bowsette then took out her Chomp Shell, which glowed golden and was nearly blinding all by itself. She smashed Geno to the side, and Princess Shokora’s mysterious magics were unable to create a shield around herself and she was hit as well.

Mario knew this was going to end poorly if they didn’t try something desperate, and fast.

“Don’t you have some cool final blow to end me?” Bowsette asked. “Surely you didn’t come all this way without a plan!” T.T. created five time-displaced clones of himself, but Bowsette shattered three of them in one swing.

Here he went...

“Here it-a is!” Mario shouted, holding up the Mushroom Soul Receptacle. The glass mushroom broke open, sending the seven Mushroom Souls flying around the foyer and circling around Bowsette.

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She was as confused as could be, unsure of whether to attack the souls or ignore them and keep clobbering Mario’s allies. She tried to do both, sending fireballs on ground level and then jumping into the sky to bash the ethereal wisps around her. The bashing was ineffective as Mushroom Souls were intangible, but one of the fireballs his Geno, setting his wooden doll form on fire instantly. He began running around the foyer in a bright blaze, but there was little that could be done for him.

Mario had to act before the Mushroom Souls merged; he jumped in front of another fireball that was about to hit Princess Shokora and deflected it back towards Bowsette with his Super Cape. Since Bowsette was still airborne that fireball instead crashed into and destroyed an original family portrait of House Toadstool, but at least Shokora was safe.

He looked back at her and she stared at him with eyes of adoration, face aflame with a passionate blush. In turn, he winked, as he was wont to do. It was only appropriate.

Bowsette landed and wrapped Gene around with her chain, pulling it like a whip and bringing him right up to her. He tried to break free, but the magical golden glow of the chain made it impossible to escape.

“How do you like my crown, big boy?” she asked, her tongue out and sharpened teeth showing prominently.

Gene took off his fedora, revealing the sweat covering his forehead and the balded area of his head. “M...M...Ma’am,” he began. “I just want to let you know... that I could never hurt a woman. You may hurt yourselves if you go with the bad boys all the time, but... if you ever need a man who’s sensitive and kind you can always look to me be by your side. I’ll have you... know I was a pro golfer, and I won a... a... sponsorship from the Orbulon Corporation!”

“Bad boys?” Bowsette scoffed. “Kaka, I don’t need bad boys. I can do bad all by myself.”

Gene gulped.

At this moment, what was left of Geno’s charred body collapsed onto the floor, the fire mostly extinguished. The entire castle would smell like ash for a week.

“M’lady...” Gene said.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be okay,” Bowsette. “I’ll treat you like a virgin, touched for the very first time.”

Gene gulped again, and Bowsette opened her mouth to begin charging a massive breath of fire. At the same time, Princess Peach emerged from a side room and entered the foyer, looking on at this scene in relative horror.

“Mario? What are you doing?” she shouted.

“We’re-a here!” Mario replied with great enthusiasm.

She seemed to realize what was happening and gasped. “No, wait, stop this!”

But at this moment the Mushroom Souls finally merged together into a large ethereal being in the shape of a Toad, but with human-sized proportions and a cap that was three feet in diameter. It stuck out its cloud-like hand and shot a vicious beam Bowsette’s way, sending sealing magic into every pore of her body. She would be completely depowered, if the spell worked as the Shamans described, and they would have a chance to defeat her for good.

It worked. Her chain lost its luster, turning gray and then brown with rust. Gene broke free, but instead of fighting he merely fainted.

But then something unexpected happened. The crown on Bowsette’s head cracked and then fell off.

Bowsette’s form disappeared, morphing and shifting into... something else. She grew taller, wider, her eyes glowing brighter, all as if they had unveiled her true form, a much more sinister, evil--

Eh? Bowser?

Mario did not see this coming.

Bowser roared out, a cry of pain and agony and rage, fire bursting out of his mouth as he shouted towards the ceiling. It was powerful enough that it broke off the chandelier, which fell down and crashed into him on the head.

He burst out of the self-created cage a moment later, but by then T.T. had created another ten time clones, all of which ran up to Bowser. He took out the Sonic Cymbals he had used only once before... but they, too, were powerless, at least as far as Mario could tell. They weren’t even good normal cymbals. The T.T.T.Cs reached him and began beating the ever-loving shit out of him.

“Please...” Bowser cried. “Please... Stop...”

In unison, all of the T.T.s said only, “No.”

And Mario was proud.