Me and beardo walked through the forest at a gentle pace, peace was slowly starting to return to me. I need to take the good days I can and fully enjoy them. I focused on the birds singing, I focused on the lovely feel of the sun on my face, I focused on the company of someone I’m actually willing to call my friend. Friend! Shit, I wonder if the friend request system still works.

I was looking sheepishly down at Bronzebeard and thought to myself “Send friend request to Bronzebeard.”

Friend Request Sent!

Still looking down at my dwarven pal, I could see his eyes light up, by what I presume to be his invisible screen saying I just asked him to be my friend. His hands shook as he quickly swiped in a direction. I knew he probably accepted, but my lonely life to this point was making my heart beat furiously, I waited and waited. After what felt like forever, I started to hear a small sob. Bronzebeard was…. he was crying?

“Lass.. it’s been 6 years since I’ve seen this screen pop up, yes, by all means I do!” He blurted out as if I just proposed to him. Was there weddings in this game and did they use the words “I do”? Was this little dwarf messing with me? He didn’t stop sobbing and actually jumped into my arms to hug me.

Bronzebeard has accepted your friend request.

There was no pervy touchy feeling, or even a single perverted thought in his head I think, he was clinging to me like a child almost, despite the awkward image, it was actually the warmest hug ever, maybe even surpassing the one with Elzare. Hmm I never knew NPC’s could send friend requests to each other. Maybe that’s how the guards were talking back in Andril? That blue light. Wrapping my arm around Bronzebeard, I held my hand close, thinking of talking to him. To my surprise, my hand lit up blue.

“Hello.. erm .. friend.” It felt awkward, god this is wierd. Who even was the last person I could call a friend before? I.. I don’t remember. Maybe there never was one to begin with. Instead of feeling sad, a nice feeling was enveloping my body, this charismatic, perverted, and hilarious dwarf was now my friend.

“Lassie, It’s alright, just act normal! Lets keeping going, talk about armor, and anything else on your mind, this dwarf is happy to be called a friend.”

“What would it take to include “with benefits” in that title?” was spoken, almost like a cough in the wind.

No longer helping myself, I actually let him go and punched him on the shoulder. The force that met me was almost like diamond, my hand nearly broke and crumbled. Holy fucking shit that hurt, just how weak am I right now? Or how strong is he?

“Oye! Lass! Didn’t know you were the type to give punishment, hurry, drink another potion.” He fumbled around another one of his satchels, and pulled out the exact same type of potion, slender vial, glowing red.

“Bronzebeard, those look really expensive, I’m sure my hand wil-” He shoved it into my hand and looked away.

“It was my dumb joke that made you do that, this dwarf apologizes” He then kneeled to the ground after looking at me. This fellow really is humble and righteous, despite his perverted nature. Not wanting to waste his good will, as he put it at his dinner table before, I drank the potion and handed him the vial back. He hid it away in one of his many mysterious satchels, and then looked forward.

“Well I don’t think our legs will walk for themselves now! Cmon Lass, let’s stretch those long se.. legs of yours!”

We sorta settled in one spot after a while of walking and just sat on the forest ground, opening another one of those god forsaken mysterious satchels, he pulled out two decent sized tankards, how in the fuck did they fit in that? Does he have some sort of inventory like a Player? Is there spatial magic? I wanted to question it, but decided not to ruin the mood. His hand trickled water into both tankards, and he soon handed me one.

“Don’t suppose you could magic up some ale for these tankards?”

He had a dejected look on his face, I’m not even sure why I asked, I’ve never had ale, it just seemed to fit right for a dwarf.

“Since we are friends now, mind if I tell ya a little story about me past? Ya see, I don’t drink anymore, I know that may seem shocking being a strong hardy dwarf and all, but..”

“10 years ago, right after the players disappeared, I actually lost someone I considered a friend, even if he was a Player, he treated me nice. Instead of every other players simply buying things, or walking away, or acting like I was as dumb as a pile of logs, he actually talked to me, I couldn’t really reply though, ya see my intelligence was very. Hmm.. restricted before the big “Update”. I had some schedule, some form of minor intelligence and was aware, but I have very little say so in the things I was doing. I was feeling sorry for meself. After gaining control, realizing he was gone and being confused in a new world, I started drinking probably 5 times my own dwarven belly in weight.”

“It was intense now having control and everything lass. You might be able to imagine the one person I wanted to share that with, was the one who always told me about his day, about his life, but naye. He was gone, he never came around the shop anymore. So, I drank. I drank as I was lost and confused in a new world.”

“Lemme tell ya lass, It didn’t help. In one case I drank so much that I couldn’t even control meself, I came back to reality realizing I was holding a sweet lassie down, luckily our clothes were both still on, but..” he was clearing his throat as best he could.

“I could see the look in her eye lass, it was of pure terror. Since that day I’ve dedicated my strong dwarven arms not to hold anyone down, but instead to try an bring them up. I quit drinking and will never touch the stuff again.”

“Elzare told me about what happened in this very forest when he first found you. I won’t blame you if you hate me for pushing a poor lass down, and that friend request can be taken back if you feel.” There was no jokes in his jolly voice anymore, he must really feel that I’d leave him. To me, it sounds like he was drunk beyond a human level and with his fucking libido of an extreme horn dog he still caught himself. Even though he pushed someone down, he actually had the self awareness to stop. That doesn't justify it completely, but I didn’t hate the dwarf in front of me, no, not at all. He was my first friend.

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

“My opinion of you Bronzebeard, has not changed for better or worse after hearing this.”

I could see a single tear fall down into his shiny bronze beard.

“Thanks lass, sincerely. I’ll go get us some firewood and maybe even some Erkin meat, I’ll be back in dwarven heartbeat.”

True to his word, in a matter of minutes he was back with a big fuckling bundle of firewood in one shoulder and in his other arm was a fucking Erkin, way larger than himself. He set up the fire, we ate some lovely cooked Erkin meat, and I feel we bonded as true friends. I think I should tell him about my class sometime. I think it would only help him understand me better, maybe make armor with my class in mind even.

Soon the crickets of the night were almost upon us, darkness was slowly being swept over us like a heavy broom. The sun sinking away hiding, and the fire crackling away the last of its embers. Bronzebeard and I decided it was time to head back.

We walked along the forest heading back, just enjoying each others company, he really is a jolly person who makes the world seem much less scary. I followed his lead, my sense of direction in the night was truly terrible. I’m glad he is my friend, I’ll need to send a request to Elzare sometime too. Being able to pretty much call like a cell service to someone probably level hundred or above is benefit enough, let alone I do consider him someone important to me. Thinking these things over in my head, I heard tree branches rattle. Bronzebeard heard it too and looks alert.

Player, xXxGoldenShower69xXx, Level ???

“You and the pathetic dwarf drop everything you got right now.”

My god was this really happening? Why can’t I see his level? For fucks sake. Feeling frustrated and confused, Bronzebeard gave me an odd look, I don’t know what it was exactly, but it calmed me.

“I said, drop everything, right fucking now” the next moment I felt the oddly familiar sensation of a cold dagger laying across my throat. I tried pushing him off, I tried moving, but I couldn’t do anything.

“Stop struggling level 1 bitch and you, stupid dwarf, why haven’t you been dropping all your shit yet? I don’t know what level you are from all the fucking question marks, but surely a simple dwarf and level 1 bitch walking in the forest means you ain’t jack shit, now I want all the money and gear you guys have or else I’ll kill you, and let me tell ya right now, NPC’s don’t fucking respawn in this world, consider me asking for your shit instead of just taking it, my way of being nice.”

“Hey boy o, I know this situation is very serious an all, but a great itch from the deep dwarven vault calls, do ya mind?”

“What are you-”

Bronzebeard starting rustling around in his pants like a fucking wild animal. I honestly don’t know what I expected.

“Surely man to man, you understand that high pressure situations really get my dwarven dingleberries working overtime? Now do you mind if I fix that first?”

“What in gods fucking name, yes I do fuck-”

In a flash, Bronzebeard pulled out a legit fucking shotgun from his pants aimed directly at this player's head.

“As I said lad, do ya mind if I scratch this itch that’s been bothering me?”

“Ahahahaha! You think a gun can hurt me? My guess is you are two stupid level 1 villagers taking a walk, unless you are level 10+ and that’s made to perfection, then you can eat the dirt and die.”

“If the position of that there dagger has even the slightest sway, you’ll be buried in this forest with your body at around my height because of a lack of head an all.”

Silence floated through the intense air, was this fucking player going to do it? Could that gun kill him? Multiple moments passed until something finally changed. I felt the cold dagger move a slight inch, no, maybe not even an inch, no blood was drawn from me.

Boom.

The last sound I heard before my ears started ringing violently, was the loud vibration of the shotgun barrel, greymatter splattering behind me and the click of Bronzebeard already reloading.

“Look what you made me do now lad. I really don’t like using my tool like this.”

“I told him, didn’t you hear me tell him? Such a shame, I know I must’ve told him”

He then took a big fucking whiff of the smoke that came out the gun, inhaling deeply.

“Nothin like fixing a bad itch and then getting a good whiff, am I right lass?”

“Well, maybe you don’t know about that. Hey did you manage to catch his name, lass? I like to write them down, helps with the conscious I think.” One of the biggest satchels he had on was opened, there was about 9 huge rolled up scroll type deals. Pulling one out as in unrolled to the ground like a giant roll of fucking toilet paper, he picked out a quill and hovered over the next blank space.

“Uh.. xXxGoldenShower69xXx.. It looked like he was a player.”

Bronzebeard didn’t start moving the quill, he hovered for about a minute and then started laughing furiously.

“I almost feel bad for killing the guy now! What a classy man, but I don’t want that name ruining my hard work though, maybe I don’t need to add him.” Bronzebeard rolled the giant fucking scroll of names back up, worst of all he had 8 fucking more of those.

Bronzebeard noticed me staring at his shotgun.

“Ahh, you like the tool eh? If you thought that was explosive, you should see what it's stored next to.”

I’m not sure why, but I wanted to see just how witty this dwarf is, or if he really is vulgar enough to like whip out his little dwarf or something.

“What is it stored next to?” To my surprise he rummaged around in his pants again, half expecting to see a bald eagle, I shielded my eyes.

“This is the most explosive thing I keep on me, always keep it close to my dwarven vault for emergencies.”

He held a sphere shaped thing in his hand that had a circle pin on it. A fucking grenade? He wasn’t kidding about being more explosive!

He carries around a fucking grenade his his undergarments, my god, what a crazy guy. I’m pretty happy though that I didn’t just get exposed to my first live view of another man.

“More importantly though, a Player ehh? It’s been 10 years since they’ve all disappeared. This is big fuck’n news lass, I think we should get back to the village quick now, let Elzare know, can you stand alright?”

I soon realized I was sitting on the floor after the blast of the shotgun rang through my ears, his hand wasn’t very high above me, yet clasping it to get up, felt like the earth itself, a solid hold that would never let me fall. I easily managed back up with his help, why am I so fucking weak all of a sudden, I mean, I know that I’m recovering and all, but this is ridiculous.

“Beardo, I’ve felt really weak lately, you mind if I check my status first real quick?”

“Go ahead lass, I’ll be right here.”

Swooshing up into the air, I soon saw the passive that affected me. Fucking hell, using that ability causes me to temporarily be level fucking one, with extremely low stats for an entire week? I felt like a cripple, it wasn’t as if my strength was just 1, the difference felt as if I was in the negatives, not even enough to support my own body. Soon moving back to the ground from up above, I opened my eyes and finally said thanks to Bronzebeard.

“Thanks for that by the way.. It seems all my stats are going to be 1 for awhile, I wouldn’t have managed without you..”

“Don’t mention it, lass. I was just scratching a troublesome itch.”