I couldn’t wipe my eyes. It felt like looking through a window that hadn’t been clean in years. My arms never felt as useless as they ever did. They wouldn’t budge to wipe the water away. “Then…what do you want me to do…?”

She told me to sit on my knees, and I did just that. Her palms pressed my cheeks, and her thumbs touched the edge of my eyes. I tried moving my head back, but an invisible force stopped me.

“Your eyes are darting in distress. Calm down a bit.”

Were they? I couldn’t tell. But I could say for sure that her eyes turned my bones to stone.

“What I want you to do is not follow a dead girl’s words. Forget about me, and live for your own sake.”

“My own… sake?” I could hardly speak. Seeing Raphtalia like this was unusual.

“Yes, for your own sake. Abandon the thought to mold a perfect world and chase the life you seek. You want to live with your friends, don’t you?”

I nodded. It probably seemed like I didn’t react at all. “I…yes…I want to live with them. I want to live there with my friends. But what about SCAR? They’ll continue to terrorize the people in Ionia and even us. What do I do about that?”

"Why are you wondering about SCAR? You are safe from their terror outside the walls."

I responded. "You're right... but if I get the chance... if there's even a slight opening, I'm taking it. I will get to the other side of the wall. I will get into Ionia. If SCAR terrorizes me there... then I won't know what to do.

She chuckled like I told a bad joke. “Heh, so you are still fixated on entering Ionia. I cannot change your stubbornness, no matter how hard I try. Well, if you end up in Ionia, what if SCAR doesn't terrorize you? Your pessimistic nature never allows you to visit the positives. One person claimed that SCAR is terrorizing Ionia. One person’s words out of hundreds of thousands. Maybe it isn't as bad as he said it was. After all, he was a sinner who murdered his mother in cold blood. Doesn’t someone as wicked as him deserve to be terrorized?”

She’s right. He deserved it. He murdered his mother and expected not to be punished. The sinner’s words, however, could’ve been unreliable. What if he was trying to scare me away from Ionia? Right, it’s definitely something like that. His ego didn’t want to see an outsider thriving within the walls.

I didn’t answer her question but instead asked my own: “If I follow my desires, what about yours?” The tears camped in the corner, waiting for my heart to give it a go.

She squatted to my eyes, and they met like that day. Those same eyes looked at me, glimmering with pure innocence—an innocence only an angel like her could possess.

“Forget it, and walk away like I never existed.”

Just like that, my heart gave the go, and the tears bursted loose. The rest followed in a sloppy stream. I bent forward, collapsed onto the ground, and pressed my palms against the witness. On my fours, I vomited a puddle of tears.

“Why? Why? Why is this…” ‘Why is this so unfair?’ was what I was going to say.

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She spoke nothing but the truth.

How was I supposed to combine the two races? How was I supposed to go against an entire organization? I couldn’t. It was a childish dream. Rejecting reality would be pointless. I’ll open my arms and accept it instead.

Through my cries, she asked, “So what are you going to do?”

Spit and drool fumbled out my mouth. Blurs of white were all I could see. “I’m going to follow my own path!” I cried.

“Even if it meant abandoning my desire?”

Still facing the ground, I cried, “Yes! Even if it meant that.”

“Even if it meant to erase our memories?!” Her volume matched mine.

I slammed my fist onto the ground. “If it had to be done!”

“Good girl.” She sounded softer than flurries of snow. “Jill, to gain one thing, you must have the resolve to let another go. Clinging onto our promise didn’t make you commit to my words. It made you weak. You didn’t have the strength to turn your back and face reality. But you can change. Forget about me and live the peaceful life you desire so badly. You know what you must do to get there, right?”

I didn’t say a word. I gazed at her, smiled, and looked at the white ground. Once I break free from Sylvia’s chains, I’ll find Tim and Owen and live peacefully. No more chasing something that wasn’t achievable.

What I wanted was peace.

What I wanted was to live a beautiful life.

A flame big enough to devour the universe ignited within my ambitions.

Sylvia. She was in my way. She’s an obstacle from my past that was blocking my path.

Slowly, my tears stopped dropping. I sat up, slouched my back as I looked at the floor, and used my palm to wipe my disgusting drool. As much as I didn’t want to, I knew what I had to do.

“She’s in my way, so I’ll move her. Anyone who tries to snatch my peaceful life from me will get no mercy.”

“And what if your decisions end up being the wrong one?”

“I won’t let that happen.” I lifted my head. “Because, unlike this cruel, unjust world, I won’t be wrong.”

I found the strength to get up. I offered Raphtalia, who was squatting, a helping hand. She glanced at it with a smirk and accepted the offer.

“Her hand was over her chest, squeezing her shirt. “I’m glad…” She sure didn’t sound like it.

I took one last look at her—one last look. Without saying anything, I turned around and walked towards nothingness. My footsteps moved on, branching away as hers didn’t.

Behind was a voice yelling in the distance. “On that day, I’ll be waiting for you.” I kept walking, not knowing what she meant.

There were memories. There was her warmth of life. My side always carried her warmth. I walked away from her, along with those memories. I dug through my mind and threw them away. They’ll never return. Her warmth and memories would never be remembered.

Out of all the thorny paths, this was the best one—where I moved on without her. I didn't regret it. I sacrificed the one who’d been with me for the one thing I wanted. And on this path, making up for what I’d lost would be demanding.

But my losses resulted in knowledge. Throughout the years, I learned how horrific death was. Throughout the years, I learned how wicked the world was. Throughout the years, I realized how beautiful it could be. I’ll continue to search for beauty. But I’m pretty sure where to find it.

Before, I didn’t know what happiness was. I hated where I was born. I cursed at the past. Goodbye was said too many times. I was hated by the world itself. I could die today. I could ruin everything today. Morning, night, summer, winter, nothing could be left for me.

I realized now that I didn’t need any grand desires or the universe. It’s all right, as long as they’re with me, living in peace. I wanted to live with them till we withered like dry leaves. Even though the world hated me, I still wanted to live fully, embrace life fully, kill, struggle, laugh, hug, weep, and smile. I wanted to live regardless, to live with the beauty surrounding me.

But even if the road ahead were engulfed with sorrow, I still wouldn’t give up. The life I sought and the beauty I wanted to be with.

Thank you, Raphtalia, for saving me once again.

I ran towards nothingness. My legs kept moving, not willing to stop.