The room was completely white, with a few black flowers scattered around. It wasn’t a room but a white world with no end. With each step taken, a clean footprint trailed behind. I held onto Raphtalia’s hand, refusing to let go. I haven’t felt those hands in years. It still had the same innocent smoothness I’d never thought to encounter again.

“You still follow those words…”

I glanced down at her. She said something I didn’t get, but before I could ask, she extended her finger.

“What’s that over there?”

The closer we got, the more vivid the image became. It wasn’t a regular image but a precious memory—my memory. My face widened with a smile.

“That’s the friends I live with. We were at a river, competing on who could catch the most fish. It turned out to be an all-out war since they got a bit too competitive.”

Roger threw rocks by our feet, scaring the fish. What a cheap bastard. Tim tossed all of Owen’s bait into the river. He got a beating afterward. When I wasn’t paying attention, Owen shoved me into the water. On that day, I laughed more than I’d ever laughed before.

“A fishing competition? Sounds fun.”

“It was, it was. I forgot who won, but it definitely wasn’t me.”

“Oh, what about that one?” She pointed in another direction where a different memory was.

I tittered while looking away. That memory was one I looked back on from time to time, calling myself an idiot.

“Ya, that’s one of Owen’s first training sessions with me. I accidentally fractured his nose.”

Her brows raised to the endless sky. “You fractured his nose? How?”

I scratched my chin, letting out a snicker. “I elbowed him a little too hard.”

“He must’ve hated you for that.”

I nodded, “Ya, I felt so bad. He ignored me for a bit but tried to even out the score once time flew. He kept babbling about how he was going to ‘catch up.’ Good luck with that.”

With our hands still locked, we continued walking down the pathless space. More vivid memories with the boys popped out. Some I laughed at, others I turned away in regret.

After gliding through my memories, I asked, “Raphtalia, why are you showing me this?”

Her eyes locked straight ahead. “Because I want to show you what you’re living for.”

I aimlessly looked at her, not understanding what she meant. Her head turned to me, and judging by her long sign, she knew I was confused. She stopped walking and pulled her hand away from my grip. I reached out for it again, but she knocked it away.

Just like that day, she knocked it away.

“Are you really that weak that you’re going to give up? After everything you went through…you’re going to call it quits?” Her voice expressed nothing but anger. It was an anger I rarely tripped on, but when I did, my bones shivered out of my skin.

“What do you mean?” I must’ve gotten struck by a paralyzing bow since my body refused to move.

“You know if you do nothing, you’ll die. All those memories I showed would crumple to dust. Nobody is coming to save you. It’s just you here, alone. Even I cannot save you. I’m nothing but a figment of your imagination.”

I couldn’t come up with any words. Whenever I did, my mouth wouldn’t budge. I was a useless, flimsy leaf.

Nothing.

Nothing would come out. No words.

Why couldn’t I speak?

“It seems like you’re having trouble understanding the situation. Let me paint the picture. Tim and Owen are nowhere to be found. You do not know if Owen found Tim or if they’re both—”

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“They are alive. Sylvia said she didn’t bother chasing them.”

She scoffed. “You believe Sylvia? You’re going off the words of someone keeping you here?”

“But…”

“Forget it, you get the idea. Moving on. Roger is in the other room, probably getting the same treatment we did. What could they be doing? The molten metal rod? Tiny needles inserted in the limbs? Beatings for no reason? The finger—”

“Enough already! I get it!”

“Oh, do you, though? If you really ‘get it,’ then why are you swaying your head down in the cell while waiting for death's jaws to rip you to pieces?”

My brain was in shambles. I collapsed onto my knees, begging, “Then…what…what do you want me to do?”

“What I want you to do is irrelevant. It’s what you want to do. Tell me, Jill, what’s your greatest desire?”

My greatest desire? She knew the answer, yet she still asked. We made a promise together twelve years ago—a promise I’ve lived by ever since.

“I… I want to fulfill your—”

“No.” She flicked my forehead, making me fall onto my rear from either the contact or the shock. “Jill, you have it all wrong. That isn’t your desire.”

I vigorously shook my head, feeling my brain jiggle. “It is! I want to create a world where outsiders and Ionians can live together!”

“Why? Is it because of the promise twelve years ago? You’d held onto a dead person’s words for all those years?” Her eyes rolled behind her head. “How infuriating.”

“But isn’t that what you wanted?”

She said it herself. She wanted to live in a world where we could coexist.

Raphtalia stomped the ground with one leg, causing me to step back. “Fine, since my words aren’t going into that head of yours. I guess I have to play my trump card.”

A memory flashed before me. A SCAR agent loomed over me, about to penetrate his fist through my young face. But before he could, he was ordered to stop by an all-black, slender man. The man was about to leave due to my absent voice, but I managed to gather myself and ask if he could save me.

“Is that your desire? To be saved from this dreadful place?”

“My desire is to escape from here.”

The memory instantly ended. Raphtalia gazed at me with two furious red suns, beaming their light through my face. "Before me, wasn’t that your desire? You already accomplished what you sought. Why change your life for my insignificant desire?”

“Your desire was greater than mine. It was bigger than the world itself. It carried the future of this world. And I…I didn’t want to back away from it.”

“But you've escaped Hell. You’re living peacefully with minimum worries. You have people who care for you. Why are you so attached to my words from twelve years ago?”

“Because we made a promise,” I said.

She exhaled an exaggerated sign. “Jill, listen to me. I wanted to create a world where we could live with the Ionias. We shook on a promise, but our imagination was nothing short of a fantasy land. It was child talk. You must realize we were naive kids who didn’t know any better. We were kids chasing an impossible dream. You recently learned that SCAR is a starving organization that dominates Ionia. How have you convinced yourself that they’ll let all of us skip around their streets freely? Are you naive to think such a thing?”

Sylvia said something similar. Did the apparent fact really blind me?

She continued, “How are you planning to deal with SCAR? You claim their annihilation is a must, but how is that remotely possible? Do you remember what one agent did to Marshall and Ruby? How exactly will you take on an entire army?”

Sylvia also said something along those lines.

She went on. “That isn’t the most ignorant part. It’s your refusal to fight. That struck me the most in my curious bone. You’re afraid the parasite will take over again, right?”

I stood up, my arms on either shoulder, staring down her petite figure. “Don’t bring that up.”

She snickered. “Why is that? You and I both know it's a part of you. After learning the truth, you desperately tried to separate yourself from the dark flame. It took a while, but you finally adopted a peaceful lifestyle, living remotely with your friends. But it still lingers within, doesn’t it?”

I released my hands off her. I couldn’t even put them against my side. I stared at my trembling hands, refusing to look at the girl in front. Her words did more harm than good, which was beyond rare.

She walked around me, keeping an arm's length. From behind, she whispered, “You're afraid. You don’t want to go back to the person you once were, so you keep yourself distant from violence.”

I turned so fast that I thought my head would fly off. My chest throbbed, weighing down an unliftable feeling.

The same voice came from behind where I was initially facing. “If you become that person again, imagine what your friends would think.”

I turned around once more, seeing her face-to-face. She wasn’t wrong. I could deny it till my grave, but she wasn’t wrong. I couldn’t destroy SCAR myself; if I tried to, the parasite might appear. No matter what, they couldn’t see that side. No matter what, it had to be sealed forever. SCAR’S destruction was out of the picture. It’s impossible. But why…

“Why are you saying all of this?” My voice was an egg. Fragile, ready to crack.

“Because no matter how hard you try, our ‘perfect world’ is impossible,” she said while stroking the end bits of her hair.