Thrash had decided to rest his head for just a few minutes before making any more decisions. When he’d looked at the clock, it had been nearing midday. By the time he had awoken, it was early morning. Somehow, the AI hadn’t noticed his stirring, so Thrash rested for a moment longer. He had decided upon naming her Mush, and she had accepted with absolute enthusiasm. If he didn’t know any better, the only reason she hadn’t noticed him already this morning was because she was still bragging about it. She’d never been named before.
Thrash kept his eyes closed and surveyed his interface. Mush had said that as soon as he marked his dungeon as open, it would register across the galaxy. He would start receiving patrons from the following day. Right now, however, he was happy to wait. Until he stepped down and tried one of the floors himself, there was no point in opening up. If he died, it would immediately turn off again anyway. Besides, another new icon was on the right hand side of his screen, bold and beautiful.
The Starr Galaxy Leaderboard
Thrash had avoided it so far this morning, but now was as good a time as any. The leaderboard highlighted active participants within the Starr Galaxy who had the most experience points. He shivered, almost nervous. Position one hadn’t changed in a long, long time. Sure enough, right at the top, Thrash recognised the name. In fact, the top five positions were all names he recognised.
Rank 1: Thron, Level 29
Rank 2: Sirona , Level 29
Rank 3: Ulmhelm, Level 29
Rank 4: Scaberus, Level 28
Rank 5: Wex, Level 28
Thrash muttered to himself. He’d earned nearly three million experience points through training, and even though the training levels were ludicrously inflated, he would’ve graduated with around twenty real levels. He would’ve been two levels off of the very bottom entry on the leaderboards. He could’ve been among the top five hundred participants within a year.
Thrash decided to face his second emotional hurdle. He scrolled through the leaderboard, checking each name precisely. He sighed with relief - none of his crew were listed. He had been fairly certain they wouldn't be, but it still eased his mind to know he was right. He felt guilty for wanting their success to be slow, but what was a little more guilt on his conscience? Still, he noticed a few class titles that helped his enthusiasm: Dungeon Master.
With a slight sense of hope, Thrash sat up, taking in his surroundings once more. They hadn’t changed, the walls dark and the floor grotty. He stood, walking to the counter. Mush had set out a piece of bread and a bowl of steaming liquid. His nose shrivelled as he sniffed it.
‘Mush,’ he asked apprehensively. ‘What is this?’
The AI chirped. It leapt beside him. Thrash slapped it away automatically.
‘Good morning, Thrash,’ she said cheerily, bouncing right back to his side. ‘Mush welcomes you to a new day. Mush has prepared a bowl of Miner’s Delight, and Mush believes that this will keep you sustained throughout your journey today. Are you happy with Mush?’
Thrash immediately regretted naming the AI. He wished he could snap his fingers and shut her down like Una had done. Instead, he smiled. The pacifier was doing its job. ‘It’s a fine name, Mush, but there’s no need to shout it in every sentence.’
Slowly, Thrash lifted a wooden spoonful of the liquid to his mouth. Surprisingly, it wasn’t dreadful. However, at best the Miners Delight was hot, flavoured water. It was slightly spicy, and had a filmy layer upon it that caused some serious concern. He didn’t dare ask where Mush had prepared it. A notification appeared on Thrash’s interface.
Commiserations! You have earned the achievement 'Dungeon Delicacies’
You have eaten your first dungeon-based food.
All nationalities and star systems like to scream and shout that their food is the best. We know better. Dungeon food will always take the cake - and Mummy loves cake!
Get used to munching on rocks, bugs, and slime; all of which can be found in your favourite dungeon snack.
Reward: 5x Beastly Dungeon Bars
‘Mummy?’ Thrash asked, disgusted. ‘Mush, are you calling yourself Mummy?’
She neglected to respond, so he allowed the food items to skip across to his inventory. When he selected them, a description popped up.
Beastly Dungeon Bars
Item Rarity: Common
Composed of rocks, bugs, and slime, these snacks are essential for any mining expedition. They don't taste particularly great, but boy do they help with digestion. Don't be surprised if your companions need to keep their distance - STINKER.
Effect: Heals 25% of maximum health.
Love, Mummy.
Thrash couldn’t help but squirm on his toes. ‘Mush, the Mummy thing has to stop. It makes me really uncomfortable.’
‘Mush has taken your note into consideration,’ the AI beeped. She immediately bounced again. ‘Mush has denied your request.’
Thrash rolled his eyes. He’d forgotten how much personality the old AI systems had. In fact, he’d never met a system quite like Mush before. He much preferred the newer versions; the sort that had no concrete opinions and answered questions with a simple yes or no.
He inspected the rest of his interface, but there was nothing else to busy himself with. His level one ticket was in the very last slot of his inventory, shouting at him to be used. He gritted his teeth and readied himself. There was no time like the present. He needed experience, and he needed it soon. He was sure about one thing; if he wanted patrons, he needed to be of some help to them. A Level 1 nobody would be of no use.
‘Mush, is there anything else I need to know before I head to floor one?’
Mush span on the spot. ‘Mush believes that your pickaxe can be used as a weapon, but isn’t very strong. Also, Mush is unable to go down with you. Mush can only assist via your interface.’
That surprised Thrash. ‘Really? What about if I ever reach the leaderboards? All broadcasting would be made through you, no?’
‘You do not currently have the levels needed to worry about such things,’ she told him.
‘Okay, fine,’ he said, hands slightly shaky. His fear levels were rising, creating more internal frustration. He used to be so powerful that monsters would shrivel in his presence. He had been near-immortal, and now he worried that a single scratch would literally kill him. He’d never been this low of a level before. ‘Anything else, Mush?’
‘You can only return to this place once you’ve reached the end of the floor, or via the entrance you came in,’ she said simply. Then, she chirped again. ‘Mush offers her fullest commiserations! I’m thrilled that you’ve decided to live.’
Thrash rolled his eyes, though his stomach did feel slightly better. She sounded ever-so-slightly sarcastic, though. It was unnerving. He walked to the stone stairs, inspecting them.
Welcome, Starr Galaxy Participant. Please present your ticket.
Thrash did. It hovered in front of him for a moment before it was removed from his inventory, vanishing in a flicker of gold. An achievement popped up in his corner, but he swiped it away. Then, another notification appeared.
Thank you. Please select your dungeon of choice.
CAUTION: Your ticket is applicable to floor one and floor one only.
Dungeon Option 1: Caves of the Glade
Dungeon Option 2: Mines of Painswick Hill
Dungeon Option 3: Ruins of the Fallen
Dungeon Option 4: Depths of the Mystics
Thrash couldn’t remember whether or not he had any experience with these dungeon types before, or if they were even considered decent. According to Una, the answer would be a likely no. He felt frustration bubble within him, once again lessening with his pacifier. He’d travelled to hundreds of dungeons, clearing thousands upon thousands of floors, and yet these options were entirely unfamiliar to him.
‘Any recommendations on the dungeon type, Mush?’
‘If you’re looking to kill, Ruins of the Fallen is a good choice. There’s not much in the way of resource collection, though. Depths of the Mystics is not a good first option - not until your body is much stiffer, like Brigwell’s. All floors are random, though, so any will likely offer the experience you need.’
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Thrash clicked on the third option, allowing the description to pop up on his screen.
Dungeon Option 3: Ruins of the Fallen
Welcome to Ruins of the Fallen, the best starting dungeon for all ‘wannabe’ warriors. This perilous labyrinth offers a thrilling experience for those seeking glory… and a little bit of pain. These ruins were once resource-heavy, but now host a stunning amount of fearsome creatures - some undead for your pleasure.
Buckle up and double-wrap your weenie - things are about to get intense.
CAUTION: Enemy levels will adjust based on the party-leader's experience.
‘Huh,’ Thrash said. ‘This sounds somewhat familiar…’
‘Mush requires clarification. You have already double-wrapped your weenie?’
Thrash felt the heat in his cheeks and the laughter in his stomach. ‘Stop it, you dirty robot. I think we’ll give this dungeon a go, Mush.’ He gave the room one last look, Mush bouncing on the counter. ‘Don’t miss me too much.’
‘Impossible, Thrash,’ she said. ‘Mush cannot miss you while she misses Brigwell. His arms, his eyes, his mouth-watering -’
Thrash didn’t wait for her to finish. Instead, he confirmed his choice.
You have selected Dungeon Option 3: Ruins of the Fallen
Take care.
Thrash was swept into the portal-like staircase, his body twisting and turning as he was transported to the right location. His vision was blurry, his being locked in place, but once again his senses came to the rescue. It was cool, and the air around him felt as though winter had just arrived. He could smell smoke, faint and acrid, as if the remnants of an ancient fire still lingered in the air. He allowed himself a moment to enjoy the feeling.
After a moment, his eyes opened. The portal placed him at the edge of a vast chamber in the ruins. Jagged stone walls towered around him, etched with eerie, glowing symbols, each one a mystery to Thrash. The floor was uneven, littered with crumbling debris and the occasional dusty remains of statues, whose faces were lost to time. Thrash shuddered, feeling a thousand eyes upon him. Opposite him, a stone altar loomed.
Thrash’s mouth opened in horror. He spoke via his interface. Is this what I think it is, Mush?
And then, without notice, there it was. A loud bell rang throughout the room.
Oh shit! Thrash shouted into his interface, still locked into place. Mush, answer me!
A sudden light appeared on the altar. Metal scraped against stone and Thrash could feel his heart pump in his throat. A guttural moan echoed across the stadium, ringing through Thrash’s stomach, urging him to be sick. The altar cracked, and two long, spindly legs began to reach out.
Shit. Thrash said again.
The crack extended, four more legs appearing. They were as long as tree trunks, sharp and pointy like spears. Thunder screamed in the dark clouds above, steamy mist rising from the floor.
Mush! This wasn't on the agenda! I am only Level 1!
Finally, a message appeared on his interface, read in Mush’s voice. Oh dear.
Thrash fumed. Oh dear? What do you mean, ‘oh dear’? Mush, if I survive, I am coming for you!
Thrash’s interface chimed, Mush’s voice reading out the brightly coloured notification.
Boss Battle!
Sheila the Spider, Level 5
Commiserations! You have discovered the lair of Sheila the Spider.
Before the ruin of her nation, Princess Sheila had been the beauty of her people. This was before a series of magical attacks and tortuous behaviour deformed her appearance for life. Desperate for vengeance, Princess Sheila turned to the only being she could: The Thorn King.
The Thorn King gave Sheila a wonderful makeover, and Sheila defeated her enemies.
Now, she faces you.
Oooh. Scary!
Thrash watched as the beast revealed itself. He was sure that he’d faced spiders before, but that was when he’d been able to defeat them. Now, he was stuck with a mining pickaxe and a flabby waistline. Sheila finally emerged in full, her body similar to that of a black widow’s. Red markings ran all over her back, spiralling down to her feet and her face. Thrash caught a glimpse of her eyes; dozens of flickering, red dots. He laughed. He was going to die.
Mush! Thrash shouted again. Help! I have nothing!
His interface blurred for a moment, before Mush’s icon appeared. Brigwell wouldn’t panic like this, Thrash. It’s unbecoming of a man.
Still, a series of comments followed.
Level 5… Health at 190… A few good hits with a sword will do it. That’s what Brigwell used to do, but Brigwell never shared his battle plans with me.
Thrash groaned. The spider was readying itself, and soon enough, his restrictions would be removed. Mush, I have no fire. I only have a pickaxe!
Oh! Mush responded cheerfully. You’re going to be fine, then.
Thrash swore at her.
Begin!
Thrash VS Sheila the Spider
Thrash’s limitations were removed. Instantly, he ran towards the first pillar of stone that he could, panting heavily. These pillars were going to be his solace. Sheila had yet to turn and face him, making a horrific clicking noise as her legs smacked into the ground. It seemed as though she was summoning something. Thrash hid behind his stone, brain whirring.
‘Okay, Thrash,’ he whispered to himself. ‘You might not remember anything, but god damn, you were good. Come on!’
He peeked around the corner. He’d been right, the spider was definitely working on an attack. He didn’t have time to prepare. He realised now that his panicking had done him no favours; it had only added more fuel to Mush’s fire of disrespect. He summoned the pickaxe from his inventory, holding the rusted tool in his hands, and he ran towards the spider. She was still facing away from him, legs tapping the floor while she made ear-splitting noises. Thrash hadn’t had the opportunity to practise with his new stats. Now, he fully comprehended his situation. He wasn’t nearly ready enough for this. He really was going to perish.
Thrash kicked his feet into the rubble beneath him, leaping into the air. His dexterity was low, but it allowed him to jump much higher than an average person could. He soared, flying through the smoky wind, until finally, Sheila turned. Thrash throttled his axe down as hard as he could, striking Sheila on the very tip of her head, her fangs clicking in fury.
Mush’s voice sounded once again.
13 damage points dealt.
177 health remaining.
‘Shit,’ Thrash swore. His attack needed to be much, much stronger.
Sheila roared in anger, her legs lifting her into the air, towering over Thrash as he landed hard on the floor in front of her. With a mighty screech, she unleashed her attack. Thrash saw the name ‘Web Spray’ appear on the left-hand side of his interface, just above Sheila in his field of view. He weakly raised his left hand to shield his face, but nothing happened. Cautiously, he peeked through the gap in his fingers, noticing that Sheila looked almost as confused as he was. Beside Thrash, trails of sticky white webbing covered the floor.
Brigwell? Mush asked, excited.
Mush! Thrash shouted, appalled. He didn’t have time to say anything else. The spider had missed. He ran back towards his spire of stone. He made it three steps before a swiping leg threw him into the air. He was an idiot - he’d turned his back to a monster and hadn’t thought twice about it.
He lost all of the breath in his lungs, wincing as his body became limp, plummeting into a tiny cavern at the edge of the arena. It was a couple of feet wide and a few feet deep. Thrash cried out as he smacked against the wall, the pain of the impact shuddering through him.
Critical warning: Your health is below 10%.
You have received 98 points of damage.
You have 2 health remaining.
‘Ouch,’ Thrash grimaced. Everything was blinking red, blood pouring from his body. He felt ruined and broken, shards of glass in place of all of his bones. He summoned a Beastly Dungeon Bar, instantly eating it.
You have restored 25 points of health.
You have 27 health remaining.
Thrash’s body wailed as he stood up, healing itself to the bare minimum. He took a moment to look out of the cavern, amazed that he’d landed in such a small area. This was the one hand of luck that he’d get. Sheila scurried towards him. Thrash looked around, weak at the knees. There was nothing in his peripheral vision. He could do nothing. He planted himself against the very back of the cave, pickaxe stretched out in front of him.
Then, his stomach gurgled. Thrash felt his intestines move, his throat gag, and his buttocks clench. A fire ignited in his gut, bubbling and churning like a witch’s potion. He felt like a swamp - boggy, marshy, with the stench of dying plants and rotting corpses wafting from him. The description on the snack bars had been a literal warning. His stomach was about to explode.
Fuck. Thrash didn’t want to go out like this, but Sheila was moments away. He lifted his pickaxe and roared.
Then, the contents of his stomach gushed out of his mouth and into the air, jetting across the stadium like a missile. Thrash dropped the tool behind his head, falling to his knees while staying upright, desperate to cover the spider in his sludge. It was a last-ditch effort, but it was all that he had.
1 damage point dealt.
1 damage point dealt.
1 damage point dealt.
Thrash couldn’t move. The damage notes continued to roll through his screen, notifying him in quick repetition. Ten seconds passed, and then twenty, until Thrash thought he was going to lose his innards. Finally, the expulsion lessened to a trickle, Sheila roaring in anger.
1 damage point dealt.
98 health remaining.
Thrash grimaced. He was exhausted. He’d dealt a total of 79 damage points but his brain was fried and his body was weak. There was no chance that he could eat another Beastly Dungeon Bar, not if the effects were going to be the same. He had 27 health points left; he had to make do with that. He wiped his mouth, and crawled up from the ground, staring out at the scurrying spider. She was desperately trying to wipe her eyes with her hairy legs, now grimy and sticky.
Thrash moved towards her, patient and quiet. He inspected her.
Sheila the Spider
Status: Grossed Out
‘I’ll be damned,’ Thrash said, but it wasn’t quite over yet. He inspected the area around Sheila, brain drumming within his skull. Sheila stood between two tall stone towers, each one crumbled and ruined. They were tall and heavy, and Thrash had one final idea before trying to strike again with the axe.
He stretched his back and sped forwards, half-running, half-limping across sticky webbing and the contents of his stomach - a lot of contents of his stomach. He jumped again, this time without the pickaxe, and forced both of his feet into one of the towers. For a moment, he haltered, and then noticed the issue. His right foot was stuck. However, the tower was falling in the direction he’d wanted.
‘Brilliant,’ Thrash said as he closed his eyes, preparing for the worst.