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Monster Chef

Vultures flew above me blotting out the blazing sun every so often bringing me brief moments of respite from the scalding heat. However, this insufferable itch on my nose was going to kill me if the carrion eaters didn't first. Being buried up to your neck in sand would do that to you. Eventually the itch grew to be too much causing me to sneeze kicking up a large plume of sand making everything a thousand times worse. I gagged and coughed and wheezed which only brought the annoying wrath of my caretaker upon me.

"Oy, Oy, Oy!" yelled the rather large ignoramus of a brute as he placed his massive spiked black boot on my head.

"I ain't told you that you could sneeze and ruin my meditation. You're gonna have to compensate me for another hour or two to make up for it."

I groaned internally as he ground the tip of his boot into the top of my head, messing up my curly blue hair. I was tired of having to do this over and over again just to placate the big boss. I had done my due and I would be heard.

"Ya know. Ya could just let me go. I've already done my time. You hate this. I hate this. Just let me go and none would be the wiser."

Once those words left my lips, I felt his boot come off of my head. I looked up to grin at him thinking I had won the big lug over and instead was met with a swift kick across the face. The spike of his boot caught in the side of my right cheek causing a gash to form across it. Blood sprayed on the sands as the taste of copper and iron filled my mouth.

You have taken a critical hit!

You have taken 5 points of bludgeoning damage and 2 points of bleeding damage.

You have resisted the continuous bleed effect.

Total HP: 7/14

"I already told ya, mate. Either ya get in line with what Mr. H wants or I'll keep kickin' the sense into ya while we're out here meditating on yer choices."

I spat blood and a molar out at his feet and looked back at the irksome Goliath.

"Reggie. Buddy. We both know Mr. H ain't the most… perceptive of the shark trios. Let me out this hole and I can fake my death. You can tell him I ain't want nothing more to do with his crew. You took the initiative and left me for dead. Hell you can take some of my teeth for evidence and I'm sure he'll compensate you handsomely."

Reginold, in all his vast immensity, pondered on my proposal mustering his two brain cells to work together until eventually he grinned. Oh Gods, I wish he hadn't grinned. He knelt down so I could get a good look at his horribly scarred gray face with one milky eye and several rotten teeth mixed in with golden ones. His good eye stared directly at me before his rancid breath washed over me.

"Where's the loot, Mr. J? We all know you took one of Mr. B's caches or else he wouldn't have had us hunting you halfway across the continent."

He pulled out a silver cigarette case from the inside of his suit jacket, it was etched in lily of the valley patterns. In one smooth motion he popped it open and slipped out a black clover to his lips and then put the case away. The cigarette instantly lit between his lips as he took a long draw from it. Then the exhale came and I was blasted in the face with a thick sickly sweet cloud of purple smoke.

Devil's Charm effect resisted.

Delirium Poison effect resisted.

Loose Tongues Sing effect resisted.

The smoke left me coughing and gagging even more as tears streamed down my face. I could see him frown once the smoke dissipated.

"What? Ya expected me… to sing from that weak… shit magic of yours?" I wheezed and chuckled at the same time causing my voice to come out shrill and choked.

"Just cause I'm… classless… don't mean I don't… know how to defend myself."

Reginold slipped the clove between his left index and middle finger as his one good eye looked me over, considering something. I kept praying that he would take the damn bait and get me out of here. The vultures flying overhead decided to fly down and land on the surrounding boulders as if they knew what answer he would take. I swallowed hard, sweat and blood dripping down my face and cheeks.

Reginold stood up and looked out towards Tarrion city as he took one more draw of the clove before flicking it away. His mind apparently decided he drew out the black revolver from his right hip and aimed it at me. I let out a sigh as I looked towards the city, one last look at the cesspool I called home.

For all the shit that it was, it was still Gods dammed magnificent with its black iron walls and enormous gilded ivory towers. The city itself continued onwards to the horizon along with those accursed mage towers. It never ceases to amaze me how this city came to exist in the middle of the Tar Desert as desolate and savage as this place is.

I continued to wait for the shot. When none came I turned to look at Reginold who grinned at me before pulling the trigger. There was a smoldering hole a few inches in front of my face as he holstered his revolver and walked away towards the shovel.

"Ye better thank whatever God ya pray to, cause it's yer lucky day. I'm feelin' all cheritable like. I'll let ya live on two conditions. One, I get a cut of the money ye get from fencing whatever you stole, let's say twenty percent. Two, Ye get the fuck out of here and never look back. That means no family. No friends. Nothing. Not even the rat ya found in the street and made love with."

I was surprised - no, scratch that, I was impressed at the fact that he was smart enough to think up something so solid. It would hurt to cut ties off with everyone that I had connections to after working so hard to build them for the past 5 years, but the payday would well compensate me for it. Now. Time to do the usual bartering scenario that is so cliché to these predicaments.

I put on my best scowling face which cues the stereotypical grin.

"You think just cause you have me in this predicament that I'll buckle to your every whim and agree to 20%?! It'll be 10% as your finder's fee for tracking me down."

Reggi continues to grin as I hear the hammer of his revolver pull back and click.

"I'm sorry, Mr. J. But the twenty percent is non negotiable. It's either 20 or I put a bullet between your eyes and call it a day."

That definitely put me in a foul mood. I debated it as the vultures let out an eager caw and hopped closer waiting to see what would occur. My scowl turned into a frown.

"Fifteen percent, my fence and drop location or you'll never know where I left the cache."

"What's to stop me from having a Minder from extracting the location from your cold gray? Twenty. "

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I snarled. My patience was running thin and the itchy bits under the sand was not making my mood any better. I cursed the existence of these cocky goons and their desire to upset the balance. Too big for their damn britches.

"Did you forget what one of the first requirements for working under Mr. H is? If you did, here's your gentle reminder. He got a welder and locked my matter real tight. Ain't no one got the key but him."

A flash of the horrible memory went through my mind. The smell of burning flesh and initial pain. The sensation of my body being paralyzed as some feline woman scalped me and etched sigils into my skull. All to have it placed back, healed as if nothing had transpired with a fat frog man grinning at me clasping my hand and shaking it.

The vultures hopped closer and cawed again this time angling behind Reggie.

"Fair enough. Alright. I'll settle for fifteen, I ain't that greedy."

Reginold holstered his revolver and started to walk towards my head again. The vultures - there were three of them now - hopped closer and let out another caw.

Wait. A piece of vital information clicked in my mind. These were your regular run of the mill vultures, so they don't have the capacity to caw. They can only hiss -

"Reggie! It's a tra-" my ears pop when a resounding roar erupted before me followed by the sudden intensity of white hot flames where Reggie once stood. My eyes immediately dried up from the sweltering white flames forcing me to close my eyes.

60 points of residual fire damage has been taken.

Warning. Death Ward doll consumed.

Warning. Life total critical: 1/14

Warning. You have been deafened. You have third degree facial burns.

Eventually the heat dies down, giving my face a reprieve from the intensity of it. The air fills with the lingering smell of overcooked pork, smoke and ash. I crack open one of my eyes and see the ashen husk of dear old Reggie blowing away in the gentle desert breeze; the sand where he once stood turned to complete glass.

Where the vultures once crowded around now stand three imposing figures. The first is to my left a pink skinned woman with brown hair, two curved horns poking out from her forehead, a long thin tail flicking in the air dressed in black robes. Her gaze lingers on me for a second before dismissing me and turning her attention to the one shining in the sun's light. This second figure is covered in full silver plate armor that is unbearably illuminated by the sun, they carried a large shield and claymore strapped to their back. They kept watch of the surrounding areas paying zero attention to me.

Lastly, in the center stood a short, pudgy man dressed in a white sleeveless tunic embroidered with silver ruins and solid gray pants. He had an unmistakable golden eye patch over his left eye and his remaining light blue eye was aimed directly at me. A full red beard kept his lips and most of his facial features hidden from view, but I could tell who it was. Mr. B had found me.

His lips move, but no noise comes out. I could feel blood trickling down my ears.

He pauses, sighs and snaps his fingers causing the horned woman to roll her eyes and wave her hand in my direction. I could feel my face heal and my hearing return to me.

You have been healed by ???'s Healing Grace.

You have been healed for 120 points of health.

Your deafened status has been cured.

Mr. B smiles, clasps his hands and resumes his speech.

"Is this how you've managed to stay ahead of me and survive, Mr J? By bribing and persuading those around me with that silver tongue of yours?"

He walks over to me, deliberately stepping on Reggie's ashes as he passes through. I hate this damn Dwarf and his goons with an intensity worse than his Hellish flames. This is the worst case scenario for me. Stuck in a hole in the middle of the tar desert with the last three people I ever wanted to see.

"Mr. B! What a pleasure to see you! My how you've grown! I can tell that those crystal supplements are doing wonders for your health."

"I see your tongue continues to wag even in the most dire of straits. Compliments will not save you."

Mr. B was now in front of me, inspecting my head. No doubt he was enjoying my predicament, being a talking head and all. I could see and appreciate the irony, all things considered.

"Now, where is it? I know you have it. It's amusing that you would take that particular object considering if you had raided any of my other caches I would have been none the wiser."

Shit. Need to keep talking or else I'll be dead.

"Whatever do you mean, Mr. B? I only took a few valuables-"

Come on, think. I can't tell him I sold it or I'll be a dead man.

"-for my collection. It's hard to tell really what is and isn't someone's personal belongings. After all, the items I came upon were out in the wilderness with no names on them."

I could tell him that I was working with a team and got double crossed. No. He wouldn't buy that either, he knows I'm too smart to be betrayed.

"Is that so? Funny how that works, considering one of those nameless objects led me right to you."

He snapped his fingers and I could feel the pocket watch attached to my cloak tear away punching through the sand and flying out to land in his open hand.

"Would you look at that? It's my father's old pocket watch."

An intricately crafted ivory watch floated in the palm of his hand. Carved into one face was the frontal view of a red dragon skull and on the back was two crossed pickaxes and a sword in the center.

In hindsight I should have known it would have tracker magic on it, but the damn thing was too beautiful not to keep.

My eyes looked away to see the area around us still desolate and empty. Nothing to use, vast stretches of barren land. I'm a goner for sure. Finally, my eyes landed on Mr. B again. I didn't want to resort to this, but…

"Bar-"

He quickly raises his voice over mine. The smirk he had turning into a frown noticing what I was about to do.

"Mr. J, there's no need to resort to such measures. I'm not going to harm you or kill you. Simply hand back the crest and the rest of the items will be yours to keep."

Reggie's ashes drifted away with a slight hot breeze. I called bullshit, but kept it to myself. I'll play along though so I can get out of this situation. I just need to get one hand free.

"Alright, Mr. B. I give up. Let me out of this hole and I'll tell you where it is."

Silver tongue ability activated.

Your charm and Charisma has increased by 75%

I let the words escape my lips in a regretful downcast tone, keeping my eyes lowered in surrender.

"Will you now? Just like that?"

Charm effect successful.

A look of surprise on his face. Digging into the opening, I let slip a little honey on my words.

Honeyed words skill activated.

"Of course. Look at me. I'm stuck in a hole in the middle of nowhere, alone and defenseless. I'd be stupid not to surrender when I know I'm beat. No treasure is worth my life, not even that crest."

Silver Tongue, Honeyed Words and Charm have been dispelled.

"He's lying." said the pink skinned one, yawning with a bored expression on her face. "Give me the word, Mr. B. I'll pull the location out of his gray and then scramble his brain so bad he'll be a drooling heap constantly pissing himself."

"Hm… Are you certain, Gris?" The one eyed Dwarf rubbed his chin thoughtfully. I cursed repeatedly in my mind, so much for my silver tongue. Of course he would bring a fucking Minder.

Well, I guess I have no choice. Plan C it is.

"Of course, I'm certain. I can feel the magic of his tongue honeying his words. Now give me the word so we can get this over with and I can go back on my date with Loshira."

I bit down on my tongue, more specifically the teleportation crystal I had embedded in it as a piercing. There was an audible crack followed by the sensation of several electrical currents running from my mouth through my whole body. I could feel myself being pulled to somewhere else as Mr. B and company stared dumbly at me. In a blur of movement and speed the armored titan lifted his greatsword and swung down on my head.

Inches before the nice, shiny and extremely sharp sword could introduce me to my maker, I was blipped out of existence. The sensation was a strange one, a mixture of nothingness and yet I felt everything. I felt myself go through sand, through rock and flesh - momentarily becoming a part of everything before getting scooped back together and ejected into my safe room.

There I sat surrounded by a few piles of sand that were transported in with me in the center of a large beautiful black marble room. This old place held all of my collected pieces ranging from golden statues depicting the gods and goddesses of Altagracia to old quirky antiques that showed how our ancestors used to live before the Great Sundering. The room itself was in a safe house on the outskirts of the city. I had set it up as my failsafe last ditch effort to get out of here.

I got up to stretch out my weary, cramped bones from being stuck in that hole for so long before kicking a pile of sand with a growl. One hundred ruby coins, gone. It was worth it since I'm still alive, but it'll be some time before I can get my hands on an emergency teleport crystal like that again.

I walked over to my old trusted black mahogany desk placing my palm on the worn security glyphs that deactivate all the traps I set up to ward off potential thieves that might make it this far into my inner sanctum. Well, not much longer anyway. I'll be saying goodbye to this old home soon enough. I go through the motions of solving a few intricate puzzles set into the desk until finally the secret compartment I was looking for pops open with an audible hiss.

Grinning like a madman, I pulled out what Mr. B was looking for. It was a golden green disk etched with black swirly patterns and a pearlescent sphere in the center. This was worth several fortunes and heavily sought after - a class disk.

The system activated displaying several notifications as I held the disk marveling in its beauty before settling on the one I truly wanted.

Class system drive detected. System connection found and functional.

Welcome to the Altagracia class system, half human/half elf hybrid.

Booting up class system drive. Boot up successful.

Altagracia system interface downloaded.

Altagracia database downloaded.

Connecting to anomaly classified as Jeremiah Jericho.

Connection successful. Welcome Jeremiah to your personal class system drive.

Please enter title of class desired or keywords matching closest to desired class.

Finally, after 15 years. I mentally filled in the prompt with Monsterous Chef.

Error: specified class unable to be found.

Class drive taking liberties in using keywords.

Error: keywords failed in finding match.

Activating class creation subset routine.

Class access unlocked. Chef - Monster variant class granted via consuming and combining monster tamer and master chef class knowledge.

Stats adjusting to better suit class.

Insufficient combat/class experience found. Class level set to level 1.

Experience gain set to milestone.

First level up condition found: find and kill four E rank monsters, harvest them then cook a unique recipe for each monster ingredient.

Congratulations achievement unlocked! Continent's first Monster Chef!

Your primary stats have been doubled and monsters you kill will have a higher chance of dropping exotic ingredients.

I was as giddy as a child earning his first emerald coin off a baby rat.

But first, I looked around at my abode and sighed deeply. Priorities.

Well, time to sell everything off. Change my name, my appearance and move halfway across the continent.

Can't let Mr. B catch me as I explore uncharted waters at his expense. Nervous laughter filled the room, echoing across the marble which startled me for a brief moment before I realized it was coming from me.

The laughter died down to a chuckle as I walked over to the desk, delicately picking up my most prized possession. An antique photo set in a bronze and black frame adorned with various colored flowers.

Not like an opportunity like this would ever pop up again. I picked up the precious, rare monster cookbooks piled on the corner of the desk and shoved them in a backpack. I would need these once I hit the right level.

I touched the photo looking at the young gorgeous freckle faced woman smiling in it. She was dressed in jungle attire carrying a baby.

"Mom. I'm coming for you."