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Royal Road Community Magazine [January 2023 Edition]
Captain Wolf: The Best-Worst Pirate Ever

Captain Wolf: The Best-Worst Pirate Ever

"Listen here, all your boating of bravery and virtue is crap. Crap I tell you. Better used as chum for crabbing then the ear of men. All your valiant sword waving, Flintlock striking, and horseshit swashbuckling is crap. Your nothing and won’t be anything but a no-good pirate,” The words were vehemently spat from a nearby table shortly followed by a wad of spit.

*PTUI*

The denizens at the Aghast Hen glanced as they drank and broke conversation to see if the outburst would escalate. They watched as the young man, who had been earlier recounting what must have been his latest grand voyage to his friends, freeze as his face lit up red hot.

The Tavern rarely had brawls, least the customers wanted to challenge future patronage. The owner of the establishment was not a man to cross. The deep scar running across both of his mean-spirited brown eyes telling a horror story you’d best avoid.

Wolf felt the gooey lump of saliva slide down his temple and dribble down to his chin. Inexcusable anger and embarrassment flooded his mind as his blood heated and pulse quickened.

A drunkard later that night would retell the story, swearing up and down that the salvia evaporated before it hit the ground.

*HHHHHHH*

Wolf let out all of his air and held it for a second before taking another deep breath in. He was better then this. He wouldn’t let petty words ruin his night. After all he was a battled hardened-.

“Why don’t you finish telling that Wench of yours all about your pillaging an - SHIT!“, the man began but stopped just a quickly.

Wolf’s fist was one pace extending over the stranger’s table. With a bright smile he hooked the man across the face as his own chair finally clattered to the floor. With a deep breath of satisfaction Wolf looked around sheepishly only to find himself laying on top of a table surrounded by three of the stranger’s friends who looked shocked and angry.

Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

“Hope y’all weren’t too close or anything,” wolf smiled at the three.

Friends of your enemy will rarely side with you.

Three more chairs go clattering to the ground. The owner’s brown eyes had already zeroed in on the scene and was making his way over with a look that would startle fish out of water.

The first avenger threw a fist at Wolf’s head only to be met with a solid table as Wolf slid off and backtracked to his table. The second avenger leapt forward only to have the back of his knee meet Wolf’s the foot leading to the second collapsing on the ground.

The Third was helping the original perpetrator up only to have his head slammed into the table by the owner, “I HAD ONLY THREE RULES. THREE RULES. DON’T FIGHT. DON’T FUCK. DON’T STEAL. AND NOW ALL FIVE OF YOU ARE ABOUT TO GET FUCKED.”

Wolf anxiously made it to his table as he ushered his friends up and towards the door in a hurry, “Ivin, Ivin, Ivin. This is hardly the worst thing I’ve done! Surely you can forgive your old pal Wolf!”

Glancing back, he noticed all four were already unconscious with the owner, Ivin, three paces away with a look that said, ‘I kick puppies for fun’. Ivin’s face scrunched up making the originally straight scar into a jagged line, “WOLF! DON’T MOVE. I’LL MAKE IT PAINLESS.”

With a voice that would sooth a demoness and a face that even the angels couldn’t forgive, Ivin continued forward with a fast speed that was deceptive given his large size. His hands looked like a wizard attached gnarly hammers instead of hands, “Ivin, hands were made for loving! Not fighting! Think of all the love you could be making with your hands instead!”

“DEAD WOLF. ABSOULTYLY DEAD,” Wolf was a lot of things, but convincing was not one of them.

If a Merchant tried to sell a knife for four pounds, Wolf would end up with a 12-pound knife.

As his two friends Lily and Sebastian made their retreat from the Tavern, Wolf had veered off from them to ensure they cleared the door without capture. He drew neared and nearer to the best defense against a man like Ivin.

As Ivins giant hand came crashing down, Wolf nimbly avoided it, ducking under it. He popped back up and vaulted over the counter with one hand, the alternate hand placing down four pounds on the countertop, “Ivin I am a model patron of the Aghast Hen! I always drink! I practically have a drinking problem! And more importantly I always pay!”

Steam shot out of Ivin’s nose as his eye’s narrowed on his target. The Counter made of a thick oak and wrapped around with only one opening on the other end. It was spacious enough to avoid grabs from over the top. With the opening to the counter seven paces away, Wolf count vault the counter and escape by the time Ivin made it around to him.

It was a stalemate, Wolf grinned, his friends just exited the tavern. What he lacked in Negotiations skills, he made up for in cunning it seemed. And a tad of agility and nimbleness. Ivin spoke softly for the first time as he started to slowly backup, “When you were five, I caught you stealing. Then you turned 13 and I caught you fucking. And now Wolf.”

Ivin paused after five paces and began to rush forward. Once again, it always shocked wolf how a man of his stature could be so quick. He nearly matched Wolf himself. At two paces away Ivin leapt into the air drawing both knees to his body as he vaulted over the oak countertop with no hands landing two paces away, “I HAVE CAUGHT YOU FIGHTING.”

Wolf’s eyes went wide.

Definitely quicker than Wolf.

*WHAM*