Chapter 6
The next day when I awoke, I was not feeling as well as the day before, unfortunately. I was back to experiencing significant pain, the kind controllable by pills, though. It was a manageable situation, which was good enough for me. I still wanted to visit the chef today, this was important to me.
I slowly shuffled into the living room and AI appeared on the TV, waving at me with a smile. I looked at the time above her, 9:49 AM.
“Morning.” She beamed.
“Morning AI. How are things?”
She summarised, “All is well, the Inner Roses meeting has begun, but nothing of critical concern is being discussed. The Roses are quiet and so am I.”
“Good to hear. AI, my pain is seven out of ten… But I still want to try to visit Heartly today.”
AI’s face slightly changed to concern.
“Have you taken your pills?”
“No, not yet.”
“Then perhaps your pain will be manageable enough, but It’s up to you, Andrew.” She made the assessment.
I looked out the window and I thought about whether I was willing to risk going out again. What if something happened again?... No, this wasn’t the right way to think. I couldn’t live in fear. I had so many exciting opportunities before me… If I could manage to do it, then I had to.
“Alright, I'm going to go.” I decided as I walked to the table at the living room entrance and grabbed two pills from the container. I put the pill bottle in my pocket… I may need it.
“Very well, the agent outside will be your transport.” AI stated.
“Why is Ashley waiting outside? I told her she doesn’t need to do that…” I said frustratingly.
“It’s not Ashley, Andrew…” AI quickly said.
I walked to the front door and opened it, probably expecting agent Will. It wasn’t Will… It was Michael.
“Morning” He said with his eyes closed, leaning against the passage wall. I froze on the spot. What should I have said? I wasn’t ready for this… I began to slightly shake from nervousness.
“Um… Hi…” I stuttered.
“Calm down Andrew, we’re not having the talk now” He said quickly.
“... It’s wrong for someone as important as you-” I tried to weasel out.
“Shut up, Andrew” He stopped me right there and then.
“I asked for this job and I think I know what my time is worth better than you.”
Right, so I had already managed to annoy him. This was going to be far more stressful than I initially assumed. I looked away from him as I remembered what my goal was… Heartly.
“Would it be a bother if you would drive me to HQ please?” I tried to ask as passively and as calmly as possible to avoid further confrontation.
“Andrew, as an agent I respond to you as I do to AI and the angels. If you ask me to jump, I don’t ask how high, I just jump. You don’t need to explain anything, you don’t need to sugarcoat your words or worry about offending me… Just bark out the orders.”
I felt my frustration building up. How was it that everything I said seemed wrong!
“I can’t win with you Michael, I always seem to say the wrong thing!” I shouted as I looked down at the ground, disappointed with myself.
Michael said nothing in response. I didn’t know what he was thinking then, but he didn’t say anything else. He pulled the keys out of his pocket and jingled them, so I supposed he was ready to go.
As I put my headphones on, I was grateful to not hear anything, especially him. I hadn’t even walked out of the apartment and it felt like he was harassing me. I tried to calm down as I slowly walked past him to the elevator.
The drive was uneventful. The only thing that was of interest was seeing someone so big, that he still almost didn’t fit comfortably in that massive car. That vehicle was huge… How could he be even bigger?
I thought someone blew their horn as Michael rolled down the window and shouted at them. All I heard was dead silence the entire time. AI looked at me with worry from the car's centre infotainment screen, but she smiled when she realised I was entirely unaffected.
We arrived at the drop off point and Michael effortlessly helped me out of the car. He could probably have helped me out with a single finger, that's how strong he was. I said thank you, but thankfully I didn’t have to hear him say something irritating back.
Ashley was waiting just a few steps away and I waved to her. A friendly face, just what I needed to see. She unfortunately was not very happy looking as she shot a nasty look at Michael.
The two seemed to have a heated exchange. Michael pointed at her aggressively and she took a step back in response. Her face went from angry to sad. I couldn’t hear anything, but I became worried then.
“What’s going on, why are you two fighting?” I asked them, desperate to try to understand the context.
They both looked at me then. Michael’s face looked neutral and Ashley looked at me sadly for a moment as she looked away. Michael tossed the keys at Ashley aggressively and she only just managed to catch them. She walked to the car and climbed in, driving off.
I was not satisfied at all, but I had to wear those headphones while I was outside the HQ. I would honour my word to Oliver. So I immediately started walking as quickly as I could to the front sliding door. I wanted answers.
I finally got inside and saw there were still a fair few Rose members sitting at the tables waiting for their orders. Damnit, I was hoping it would be empty like yesterday. I took off the headphones and looked at Michael.
“You want me to bark orders at you, fine! What the hell was that conversation about?” I snapped at Michael.
“I told Ashley to piss off until she is ready to better consider your current state.” His answer was instant.
I shouted at him, “Who the hell are you to tell her that on my behalf?!” A few members went quiet as they overheard me.
“Whether she intended to or not, she fucked up. I wouldn’t have allowed that to happen if I were driving you.”
“You’re right, but you’re also a careless twat!” I said as I looked away from him.
“I care about you too much to let you get hurt and until Ashley starts acting the same, I will continue to be one.”
I was done, I had said what I wanted to. I would need to tell Ashley to ignore what Michael shouted at her. I wanted to try my hardest to understand and forgive my friends. I gave myself time to calm down, but my breathing was still compromised, so it took me a solid minute to catch my breath.
I needed to get to the cafe to speak to Heartly. I slowly made my way to the front secretary desk. The two standing at the desk were talking casually when I approached. They both stopped and went quiet when they saw it was me. I noticed the lady on the left was the same one from when I first visited the HQ.
I tried to be polite, “Hi, sorry to disturb you. I was hoping to visit Mr. Heartly at the cafeteria if that’s ok?”
She responded politely, “Right, thank you for informing us, but you don’t need to check in with us, Andrew. If you have an appointment, AI will open the doors for you to get where you need to go.”
“Oh, I just thought that was the reason why you were here?” I was genuinely curious.
“No, we are here to give information, we’re not secretaries, we act as an information point for members.”
“Oh, sorry, I misunderstood. I’m sorry I bothered you then.” I started to turn to walk away.
“Andrew, before you go, I want to apologise.” The lady sounded genuine.
“For what?”
“For treating you so rudely when you first came here. You never knew how the HQ operated and you never knew AI was located in the hall… I shouldn’t have been so arrogant, please forgive me for that, I won’t make that mistake again in the future.” She slightly bowed.
“Oh, did AI have words with you about it?”
She looked at me confused, “No… She didn’t…” She was almost hurt by the implication.
The tablet screen on the desk turned on and AI was on it.
“Andrew, I told you already, I don’t do that. I respect every member's opinions and choices, nor do I force anyone to think or act to my will.” AI spoke with a cold neutral expression.
The two at the table took a step back in surprise as they immediately stood up straight. Again I found myself realising that nobody was used to AI speaking.
“Right, sorry AI…”
“Please Andrew, don’t think of me like that again.” She firmly said.
“I won’t AI… Forgive me.” I felt truly sad as I realised it was time I stopped making little of AI’s respect and dedication.
I looked at the lady at the counter, “It’s water under the bridge, thank you for caring and trying to be better.”
The lady smiled and AI disappeared off the tablet. I turned and walked away as I headed to the sliding doors with the sign above it saying “Cafeteria & Gym”. I noticed as I got closer, that just above the sign there was a small round camera. I guessed that AI looked at peoples faces to authorise them entry. As I approached the door it slid open.
I walked through it and down a surprisingly long passageway. At the end of the passageway, it split in two in a T shape. The left passage had a neon sign “Cafe” and the right had a similar sign “Gym”. I definitely wasn’t going right, so I walked left and it almost immediately opened into a massive, tall hall. There were more tables than I could count, stretching far into the distance. On the left, there was a large kitchen, adorned with stools for people to sit at the counter and eat. Further down, there was the tinted black glass that you could see from outside.
There was a massive vertical screen at the end of the hall. As I entered, the screen lit up, and AI appeared. She waved at me, and I waved back. Many people seated at their tables stopped eating and looked up in confusion.
“Right, maybe it’s best we don’t distract people like this again.” I said quietly.
AI apologised and the screen went off.
As I approached the counter, I realised just how massive the kitchen really was. There were at least 6 black aprons running around it. It definitely seemed like a stressful environment. I looked around the kitchen carefully, wondering if Heartly was even in today, but then I heard him loudly and clearly.
“Turnips?!” He bellowed from somewhere in the massive kitchen.
“I’m trying to cook meals for over a hundred people, and you’re bothering me about not having enough turnips!”
A female voice yelled back, “We nearly have a hundred orders for turnip soup!”
“What!? Why the hell are so many people wanting that? Turnips are hardly even flavoursome!”
The young voice seemed optimistic, “I can deal with that, me mum taught me her recipe for a mean turnip soup.”
“God, we’re gonna need a ton of salt to make this work!”
I heard AI speaking through multiple small screens dotted across the kitchen.
“I have an agent en route with a large supply of turnips, but more importantly, you have a guest.”
“Cheers love, let me just finish these eggs and I'll be over to see them.”
I sat down on one of the tall stools and even though it was difficult to climb up it… I didn’t think I could stand much longer, my pain was growing already. Michael sat on the stool next to me as he looked at me with a caring face.
Eventually I saw the chef walking down the aisle of cookers and pans. He instantly recognised me and stopped mid step as he looked at me for a few seconds and then resumed walking. He reached the counter, taking off his apron. While he did that, I thought to myself that I didn’t know who was taller, Heartly or Michael. One thing was for certain, Heartly was a big guy!
his face seemed worried as he began speaking to me, “How are you doing lad? Fit to talk with me for a while?”
“I think I will manage” I responded calmly.
He looked at me for a few more moments with a sad face as he leaned on the counter to lower himself to my eye level.
“There’s so much I want to ask you son, I don’t even know where to begin.”
“Just ask what comes first to your mind.” I said calmly.
“Do you have people close to you that you can count on?”
I nodded, “I live with Oliver, who I trust to the ends of the earth and now the agents help me with day to day tasks.”
“Oliver… He’s your best mate isn’t he?”
“Yeah… We’ve been through a lot in the last year.” I said looking down at the table.
That man has helped me so much, it’s hard to believe someone could care as much as he does.”
“Who else have you got?” he asked.
“AI, not in body but absolutely in mind.” I said AI’s name in respect.
He smiled, “I appreciate that son, I really do… But if there was a fire in the house, AI couldn’t put it out to save you. You know I meant real bodied people.”
I didn’t answer, for there was nobody else. A moment passed and he stood up from leaning. He nodded silently as I felt he could see my loneliness. I had to admit, it felt humbling to have someone care enough to see it.
“I’m here for you son.” He finally said.
I didn’t have a verbal response for that, but I had definitely felt a wave of sincerity and consideration come off of him. I nodded to him as he grabbed a pot hanging from behind him and put it on a small stove on the counter. He bent down to open a small fridge, taking out different ingredients he was likely to need for my soup.
“You know…” he said slowly.
“I used to have a daughter.” He started chopping up some unions on a white board.
“She was just like you, you know? She was noble, she always wanted to serve others.” He put the diced unions into the pot with a dash of oil and they sizzled away.
“It’s sometimes a curse… We tend to get hurt.” I stared at the pot.
“No son, it’s always a blessing. You and her are the best of us.” He began slicing up some chicken fillets.
“Unfortunately, this horribly cold world we live in, had enough of her. When she was 16…” Heartly stopped chopping for a moment.
“She got cancer.” Heartly finally said.
I looked up at him and I knew he still wept for her. Some people never stop mourning the people we lose.
“I’m so sorry, sir.” I looked him in the eye.
“Don’t be, it’s just the way things went. Nobody is to blame.”
He finished slicing the chicken into very fine pieces, which I assumed was due to his instructions to make it easy to eat.
“My point son… Is that during the two years she suffered with that terrible illness… She suffered horrific pain.” His teeth clenched as he gave himself a moment and continued the cooking steps.
“The doctors told me her pain was immense and I truly tried to internalise it, I tried my hardest to fathom her pain.”
“I failed though… The months went by, and her pain escalated further. Eventually, before I could realise it and try to help… She changed.”
Oh no… He was right, this was precisely like me. He was fully aware of my pain, for this man could see it clear as day. I felt myself deeply empathising with his daughter, for I knew just how badly pain twisted oneself.
I finished the story for him, for I knew exactly what happened next, “She became angry as she distanced herself. She lost hope and started making enemies of friends.”
Heartly looked at me as tears ran down his face. He nodded and I knew we were on the same page.
“Two years you said… Is it possible to live with this for that long?” I whispered more to myself than to him.
“No son… No it’s not. I came home… and she had taken her life.” He clenched his fists as he looked away for many moments, as still as a statue.
I patiently waited out of deep respect and total understanding. He finally moved as he threw a few more things into the pot. He stirred it for a while, deep in thought.
“For months afterwards, I wondered what I could have done differently. I wondered how someone who cared for others more than herself, could have eventually arrived at that choice.” He stirred the pot as he put in generous amounts of salt and pepper.
“I realised that it wasn’t the cancer that killed her… It was the pain. I then understood that pain was an invisible disease that could kill her far faster than cancer.”
He kept stirring the pot as he thought deeply.
“I swore that next time, I wouldn’t let anyone suffer with intense pain alone. In honour of my child, I will try to be a waypoint for those who suffer the worst sickness ever known… Pain.”
I looked away as I began to tear up. This was a heavy conversation for me and he knew that, that was why he was talking about it to me.
“Others cannot fathom it, no matter how hard they try. They watch as you cry and shake, yet they do not truly realise just how much it bleeds you of your soul.”
“Please stop, please I beg of you…” I emotionally implored him.
I looked away down the long counter as I shook my head intensely, tears falling rapidly. I tried to breathe quickly, as quickly as my frail body would allow. I felt so vulnerable and exposed as I tried to find control of myself once more.
Heartly immediately stopped as he looked at me for a moment in understanding. He reached under the counter and pulled out a small white container, its label read “Protein”. He opened the lid and gently shook out the white powder over the pot as he stirred it and did a second shake.
“Protein?” I said as the frog finally left my throat.
“Your body is barely eating son, one soup a day is not going to help your body repair. You need this supplement, it’s critical.”
I had never thought about that. In fact the thought occurred to me, I really should have been eating more.
Michael contributed on the topic, “You will be changing your diet Andrew, but first we must stabilise your body.”
I nodded in agreement, “I suppose I should eat more… I’m just not hungry though.”
Michael said nothing more as Heartly finished the soup. He pulled out a plastic container that I instantly recognised and poured the soup into it. He made the soup look so simple to make. He placed the container on the counter in front of me.
“First meal of the day, dished up.” He said with a smile.
“Thank you so much… But would it be rude of me to ask for a bigger portion?”
“Of course not son, I already took that into consideration. Look in the pot.” He pointed down at it.
I looked to see the pot was still half full as he had made twice the amount! Excellent.
“If I could smile, I would be smiling right now.” I said as I grabbed a spoon.
His voice was gentle, “Why don’t you smile then?”
Because I was too depressed... I couldn’t say that though, people hated talking about these things.
I slightly shook my head, “Please don’t worry about why, just know that I am very grateful, sir. I now see, you really are a master chef.” I slowly started eating the soup.
My hands were slightly shaking, but it didn’t seem like I would spill any this time.
I got half way through the first container of soup when suddenly there was quite the commotion behind me. I slowly turned around to see what seemed like hundreds of black uniforms entering the hall. I looked back at Heartly in confusion.
Heartly smiled, “It’s midday son, food time. The Inner Roses have a break now and any members nearby can come in and eat. It’s rush hour!”
There were so many people entering, collecting their meals and taking their seats. I could then see why there were countless tables… For there were countless mouths to feed! I recognised most of the Inner Roses members as they came in, chatting and laughing.
Aisling and Nadia were together as they always were, their friendship unbreakable. They weren’t talking though as Aisling mainly stared at the floor. Nadia saw me and came up to chat.
Nadia beamed her glorious smile, “Andrew! I didn’t think I would see you here!”
“I promised Heartly a visit.”
Aisling joined us, “Morning Andrew… How are you?” She had a sad look on her face when she looked at me.
I hated that question intensely and I wished they wouldn’t ever ask it. It was a fine question to ask anyone else, but it wasn’t a question you should ever have asked me. AI and Oliver learned that lesson very quickly… Don’t ask a question that you don’t want an answer to.
“I’m… Fine…” I slowly said, an obvious lie.
Aisling reacted intensely, as she looked away hurt, on the verge of tears. She instantly turned around and walked away.
“Nadia, you should go to her. She needs her friend more than you know…” I spoke urgently.
Nadia nodded with a frown and walked away to catch up with her. I couldn’t tell if Nadia was fully aware of Aisling’s state. I turned back to my soup and I was about to scoop up a spoonful, when someone spoke to me.
Oliver smiled, “Mind if I join you mate?”
I felt so relieved to hear and see him. What better company could I possibly ask for? He was dressed in his formal black Inner Rose attire. He looked so smart dressed like that, as did every member if I were completely honest.
“Oliver… Please, take a seat.” I said welcomingly.
“Um, what do you want, maybe Mr. Heartly can cook you something quickly?” I didn’t want him to sit there without something to eat.
“Hmm? No, I’ve already done my order. Chef, order 133 please.” He politely said as he looked at his phone.
I leaned over to look at his phone. There was a neat little app on his phone with his order number and what meal it was, turnip soup.
“Really Oliver? Turnip soup?” I looked at him coldly.
“I know right!” Heartly loudly said as he returned with the bowl of soup.
Oliver looked around us all, “What’s wrong with turnip soup?!” He smiled.
I slowly spoke, “Of all the soups… You chose turnip?”
“Turnip’s tasty enough right?” He looked around for justification.
I just stared at him as he jokingly stuck his tongue out to me and began eating his soup. I looked further down the counter and noticed at the end there were no seats, instead just queues. People were standing in line. They reached the counter, said their order number, and then the waiter would go to the kitchen to collect their meal and give it to them.
It was remarkably similar to fast food, but in a corporate cafe. I thought it was all very efficient, orderly and high tech.
I turned to Michael, “Are you going to have something?”
As I finished asking him, Heartly came over and dropped a huge plate of steak, salad and potatoes down for Michael. I looked at the plate of food in disbelief… It was massive! There was no way he'd be able to eat all of this!
I looked at Michael in disbelief, “That’s so much! Are you that hungry?”
Michael looked at the plate confused, “Is this a lot?” He said seriously.
“What do you mean?…”, I stared at its immense size.
“Andrew, I am 6 foot 7, 254 pounds, Most of which is muscle. What did you think I would eat? Turnip soup?” He grabbed his steak knife and fork and attacked the massive dish.
Oliver finished his spoonful, “Oi! Seriously, what’s wrong with turnip soup?!” His face changed to real concern.
Michael truly was a behemoth, for when you stood near him, it was like standing next to an elephant. He could probably have picked me up with just his pinky finger, so I supposed it shouldn’t have surprised me that big people ate large meals. I looked at his plate, and I shuddered as I tried to imagine eating that much food.
I quietly ate some more of my soup… It wasn’t much, but it was mine. Oliver tried to get a sneaky spoonful of my golden liquid, but I valiantly fought him off in a quick spoon battle.
I finished my first dish and Heartly was dishing up the second when I looked over and saw Michael had finished his plate… All of it.
“Oh my God! What the f-” I began to exclaim.
AI had cut me off, “Andrew, that language is not permitted in this building, please stop cursing.” I never finished the sentence, but I was still in a state of absolute shock.
“The time it took me to finish half my soup, you destroyed around 2 kg of pure mass!” I exclaimed.
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Michael just shrugged in response. He clearly didn’t care about people shaming him for what he ate.
Michael grinned wickedly, “Maybe if you got a little more meat on your bones you could eat like a big grown up too.”
I just shook my head in response, for that was why I was trying to eat twice as much! I tried to eat more at his suggestion and he was still not satisfied… That man was truly impossible. I began eating my second dish, which I found was actually quite difficult. Halfway through, I already felt full. I waited a little and then forced myself to finish it.
“I feel sick-full.” I said after finishing it.
Heartly beamed his smile at me, “You’ve done well son.”
“I’m surprised you’ve stayed here with me, it’s absolute chaos in this hall at the moment…” I asked out of curiosity.
“For starters, this level of busyness is normal son, also I am more of a chef supervisor. I do help cook most of the time, but I have 12 experienced cooks with me at any time. If I do nothing, they still get it all done.”
I looked past him to the back of the kitchen and noticed there were many bodies dancing gracefully between the stoves.
“Also, making your food is a priority set by AI. Nobody dares to bother me when I make it at eleven. The only other two meals that get priority are Aisling and Nadia. They have their own table in the centre of the hall, if you look over there, it’s silver and red.”
I slowly and painfully turned around in the stool and had a look. Just as he had said, there they were, the entire table was their own. Aisling was eating a bowl of… Of course, turnip soup, and Nadia was eating toast with jam. They both had a tablet next to their food, as they scrolled through it, clearly focusing on all the information they needed to make important decisions.
Another interesting thing that I had noticed was that Nadia and Aisling had the little monitor screen on their eyes that the agents had, except the only difference was that theirs was red and not blue.
“AI, I’ve never seen the angels using agent kit, why are they using it now?” I asked.
AI appeared on the tablet on the counter, she pointed at the monitor she had put on her own avatar's face.
“These? Nadia and Aisling were the first to get them and agents only got them afterwards. They only wear them outside of the Inner Roses hall, Andrew, so that they have instant communication with myself or anyone else they want.”
I felt impressed as I looked at them, “It must be very difficult for them, to always have so much responsibility. Do they ever have a break?”
“The amount of work you see them do, is their own choice. They willingly choose to bury themselves into this organisation. You know just how much it means to them, for it is their dream.” AI smiled.
I felt concerned, “Why don’t they stop now though? It's a break, time to eat and talk…”
“Andrew, it’s the same reason why I don’t speak with most people. Our position makes it difficult…” she looked away.
I was going to ask more questions, but Oliver gently patted my shoulder to get my attention. I looked at him and he had two tablets in his hand. Right, I had forgotten. Although my pain was manageable, I needed to keep taking them. I took the pills from him and swallowed them with a glass of water that Heartly got me.
I wasn’t going to lie… For a moment I felt good. I felt like I was in a place I belonged. I felt like people wanted my company. A large chunk of my loneliness seemed to fade away as I felt better and more whole.
“Son, it’s been a pleasure to talk to you. I hope your visit has been enjoyable for you too?”, Heartly smiled.
“Actually, more than you might know sir… More than you might possibly know”, I said deep in thought.
A gentle bell rang across the hall. Break was over, back to work. Immediately you heard a hundred seats shuffling on the floor, as people stood up from their tables. A sea of black uniforms went to the counter to hand in their trays. Far too many soup bowls for my personal liking.
They all walked past us into the passageway and a few members waved at me politely as they did so. Aisling walked past us quickly, but Nadia stopped by me on her way out.
“Did you speak with Aisling?” I said concerningly.
Her face seemed frustrated, “No, she didn’t want to talk…”
I looked into her eyes with intensity, “Then I will, for you have left this for far too long now…”
Her face changed to concern, “What are you talking about Andrew?”
I turned to the tablet on the counter, “AI, before you resume the meeting in the Inner Roses hall, may I please have a moment?”
AI beamed her glorious smile at me, “Of course Andrew, you are free to enter the hall at any time.”
I painfully slowly climbed down the stool. I felt so full from the food, I turned around to Heartly.
“Thank you so much for showing me how to make this, and for continuing to cook it for me. May I come tomorrow again please?”
He slightly bowed with a smile, “You’re always welcome in this hall, son. Always.”
I walked into the passageway, stopping for a second as I looked at the ‘gym’ sign. A flood of jealousy and sadness came over me as I looked down at my scrawny body and shook my head. Not for me…
I slowly walked out into the foyer and straight into the Inner Roses hallway entry. Nadia, Michael and Oliver were behind me, patiently following me even though my walking speed was agonisingly slow. I stopped just before entering the hall proper as I looked at Nadia.
She smiled as she walked past me and the second her foot touched the floor of the hall, AI spoke across the hall.
“All rise!”, the hall stood up as Nadia confidently walked across it and up the stairs to her raised bench. Aisling was already there, scrolling through her tablet. Hiding.
People began to sit down when AI spoke once more, “Remain standing please.” Her voice was firm
Of course, she wanted them to stand for me. I disliked that, but I knew AI did it out of respect.
I slowly walked in and as soon as people saw it was me, their confusion disappeared. They stood proudly for me. It was very kind of them to think of me with such respect. Oliver went to his seat on the right and Michael walked to an empty seat with the agents in the centre of the hall.
“Thank you very much, you’re too kind, please be seated.” My voice was being transmitted through the speakers.
They all sat down as some of them chucked in response to my statement. I waited for everyone to be seated and for the small chatter to die down.
I was standing in the middle of the hall, looking at the large screen under the angel's bench, where AI stood proudly. She looked at me with interest, as I didn’t think she was fully aware of what I was going to do.
I spoke with a deadly serious tone, “AI, I need the broadcasting to stop please.”
AI nodded as her hand raised and closed into a fist. I looked at the cameras across the hall, their lights were now red, to indicate that the transmission had ended.
“I apologise for interrupting this meeting. I have come to speak honestly and to try to help resolve a critical issue.” Many heads looked around in confusion.
AI responded calmly, “Andrew, if there is a critical issue, I would know about it.”
“No, unfortunately the problem I’m talking about is subtle and human. I don’t expect you to recognise it, since clearly most people here seem to have failed to see it too.”
AI tilted her head in slight confusion. Enough time wasting, I thought to myself, I needed to make them realise and understand. I needed to tell them a story and twist it to reality. I closed my eyes to help myself visualise it clearly.
“There is a place… It’s dark and cold, abandoned and rusting. The wind blows through it, chilling all who stay there.” I paused, trying to think of how to describe it.
“In the far distance, you can see the city lights… Yet there are no lights in this place. Nearby, you can see a road. Sometimes you can see people walking on the road, they look at you as they go by. Most keep walking down the road, but a few people stop and stay.”
“It’s a horrible place. The wind chills you to the bone as nobody talks to anyone and the sun never rises. It’s always night and you always feel alone and cold.”
I stopped talking as a wave of hopelessness came over me. I shook my head, trying to not let the very thought of that place consume me.
“I have been in this place for months now. My pain and loneliness made me stop and stay in this cursed place.”
“For too long… I have been sitting in the never ending cold darkness as the winds cut my soul to shreds, hundreds of times per day.”
The hall was dead quiet and you could hear a pin drop. AI looked at me with a devastatingly sad face.
“I have been here both in length and in intensity. My depression is immense as I try my best to live… Yet I only seem to manage to survive.”
“Because I have been in this horrible place for so long and with such intensity, I have learnt its manner and form. Now when I am near people, I can read their body language, I can see the subtle signs of depression in others. I watch them as they either keep walking down the road, or come and sit next to me.”
“So I find myself absolutely heartbroken to have seen a few people here in the Roses, sitting next to me in the dark. We all need to help these people as they struggle to find the strength to stand up and walk further down the road, to the city in the distance…”
I opened my eyes as I slowly looked around the hall.
“How did you all not see this one though? How did it slip through the cracks? Did you all see it, but choose to ignore it? Or were you just oblivious to their subtle change?”
I whispered, “What are you doing sitting next to me in this horrible place… Aisling?”
Everyone was so engrossed looking at me as I told this story, that they only then looked at Aisling, to see her crying. There were many gasps as nearly all the hall was shocked and most likely disappointed in themselves.
“I saw it immediately when I first arrived here, during my dramatic and pathetic first meeting with you all. I saw the light in her eyes had faded. How did nobody else notice?”
I looked at Nadia… She was shocked, her eyes wide open as she stared down at her desk. She was most likely too ashamed to face Aisling, for she must have then realised how she had failed her. She never realised… She never saw it.
“Why are you here Aisling?” I repeated the question slowly.
She buried her face in her hands as she sobbed, “I’m not depressed… I'm fine!” She shouted.
“You can’t fool me… We are both prisoners in the same cell…”
Aisling looked up at me and stared at me, straight into my eyes. Oh, I realised… It was me.
“It’s me, I caused this…” I said quietly.
She looked at me with shame, “I am the one who convinced you on the train, Andrew. I was the one who sold you the dream that led to you sacrificing everything for us!”
“And for that Aisling, I am eternally grateful…”
She shouted, “... What? Andrew, look at what he did to you! He tore you to shreds… You hurt all the time now… You suffered far too much, for far too little!”
I remained calm, “That was my choice Aisling… And I would gladly do it again if I had to.”
“You should have told him about us!”
“Then your dream would have failed and all these people would have remained hopeless, as the world remained bleak…”
“You are precious Andrew… We stole your future and that price is too great for me to bear!”
I didn’t respond, as she was right. My choice, my decision… Led to me losing everything. No matter how little I had before, I now truly had nothing left.
I raised my voice, “Before I met you two that day, I had nothing to offer. I had no value and no purpose. The sacrifice I made was only using the hope that you yourself gave me!”
“I remember you that day Andrew, clearly. I remember your smile… And now I may never see it again!” She buried her face in her hands as she sobbed more.
I found myself furious as her honest words cut deep, reflecting my own doubts and fears. The situation was far worse than I had imagined… She was totally despondent.
I shouted at the floor in intense frustration, “This is why I made them promise me, when I woke up in the hospital! This is precisely the worst outcome I imagined. The brightest light of the Roses has gone dim!”
I looked back up at her, “You blame yourself Aisling, but it was not you who sat in that chair and made that choice! He gave me weeks to change my mind, but it was always MY choice! I made that choice because I had nothing left to lose…”
My anger magnified, “You don’t know me or why I did it either! What you don’t know is that I joined you two to prove you wrong! I saw two girls and a tablet and I was going to make an example out of you! I was going to teach you a hard lesson in reality!”
“How naive and stupid I thought you two were, trying to make the world better…
I screamed at her, “In my mind you were a joke!”
The hall gasped and I stopped to catch my breath as I shook my head, anger changing into regret.
“But dammit… You proved me wrong. I helped you at first so that I could watch you cry when it all failed… But instead I saw first hand, the people you made smile and laugh…” I looked down at the ground in shame.
“After that day with you, you even managed to convince me! Your dream, it was so impossible, so unrealistic and yet… I watched you make it real.”
“When I watched your train depart at the end of that day, I felt real hope. For the first time in my life, I had something to believe in, something worth waking up for in the morning.”
Aisling cried as she looked at me, heartbroken.
“Then I found myself in that chair… I looked into the Wolf's eyes, and I saw the ‘reality’ I had wished on you the day before. Yet now my perspective was different. I looked into his eyes and I saw him killing you two. I saw your dream being snuffed and all the smiles you made that day, fade away…”
I spoke loudly, having calmed a little, “I made that choice then, not you.”
“Because the truth is, when I looked into his eyes, the ugliness I saw was a reflection of myself!”
“I chose to stay there, because I felt I deserved the pain! This was punishment for my evil intentions.”
“I thought, if I could die there, then at least failings could lead to something good. The good guys would get to live, and the bad guys would tear each other to bits!” I shouted.
“I didn’t do it because I was a good person, Aisling. I didn’t do it because you are a good person. I did it because I hated myself and my life. I did it because I had nothing to lose.”
“It’s that exact reason why I wake up shouting, every night, that I want to die!” I began to cry.
“It’s why I feel I don’t belong here, it’s why I tell Oliver and AI that I don’t deserve their friendship, BECAUSE I DON’T!”
“I am the very monster I saved you from Aisling… So don’t you DARE try to use me as a scapegoat for your hopelessness.”
“You got your dream, the world got its hope and I got the punishment that I deserved! So stop crying… And leave this horrible dark place, Aisling.”
“You don’t belong here with me… You shouldn’t be depressed… The Roses need you!”
I was done. I turned around as I slowly walked out of the hall. I didn’t expect anyone to follow me.
The sliding doors opened for me as I looked up from the floor, seeing the foyer still had a few members in it. They were all looking at the screen above me, the screen that showed the Inner Roses hall. They all looked shocked as they looked down from the screen when I walked through the door. I put up my hood, as I didn’t want to see their judgemental faces at me. I just need to leave that place.
I got halfway across the foyer when I heard footsteps quickly walking up to me, from behind. I braced myself, someone was probably furious and was about to smack me. I felt I would have deserved that.
The footsteps reached me and I closed my eyes in preparation for the blow… I felt arms wrap around me and I waited for them to squeeze the air out of me… But they didn’t.
“I forgive you.” Aisling whispered.
I shook my head, “...I am not the man you think I am…”
“No… You are. I had an image in my head of who you were, but now I see that image was wrong. Yet the real you is… More, it’s better. It’s real and it’s precious.”
“I just told you how I am a monster… And you call me precious?”
“The world we live in is hopeless Andrew. I know it and so do you. What I’m trying to do is turn the tide back. I need to believe in a better future, and that means accepting people's past sins. I believe you when you said you wished me ill… But you don’t now. Now you are honest and good. Your sincerity can’t be doubted, as you walked through hell to demonstrate it. Don’t you walk away from everything you’ve suffered for. Don’t you walk away from me…”
I felt a wave of emotion smash into me as I fell to my knees, crying. I didn’t expect her to react that way. A moment before then, I thought everything was over, that I was going to walk out of that building and never come back. After exposing the monster I used to be, I couldn’t fathom anyone understanding and forgiving me.
I stared at the floor, “I don’t belong here anymore, Aisling. The illusion is shattered. I am no longer the hero, the saviour. Look around, look at how they look at me. See their hatred. People are fickle, you might forgive me, but they won’t.”
Aisling let go of me and pulled down my hood. I slowly looked up with hesitation as I observed their faces, the faces I expected to be full of hatred. They were not though, as I saw that they were smiling… Why were they smiling?
Aisling whispered in my ear, “They don’t seem hateful to me, Andrew.”
I was shocked, “... But why?”
One of the members stood up from the nearest table and smiled at me.
“Because I used to be just like you, Andrew.” The young man said.
“I was also sceptical of this organisation in the beginning. I mocked them in the streets when I saw them… Most people did in the beginning. I guess you didn’t see that, because you were… You know…”
“Being tortured… Yeah.” I nodded as I finished their sentence for that.
“Um… Yeah. Point is, Aisling got mocked, spat on and attacked all the time, but none of us got tortured for it though. The fact that you felt you deserved that, proves you actually are a genuinely good person now.”
I looked down at the floor as I thought of what he said. I didn’t know if I was ready to think of myself as a good person. Perhaps though, I could finally tell myself… I wasn’t a monster.
*
I turned to look at Aisling, her face was wracked with different emotions as she recalled painful memories. I had never thought to ask AI what those three weeks were like for Aisling and Nadia… Perhaps I should have. Aisling looked into my eyes after her moment of painful reflection.
“Andrew... Please promise me you'll come again tomorrow.”
I shook my head as I felt doubtful, “I don’t know if I’m still welcome anymore.”
She looked down for a few moments, deep in thought. Suddenly she slightly jolted as she got an idea.
“Andrew, for me, will you please come back to the hall? I want to do something important.”
“... Fine” I was hesitant.
She walked in front of me, back into the hall. Everyone rose for her then sat down. I came in afterwards and nobody stood up, which was exactly what I had expected to happen.
Aisling walked up the stairs to her raised bench, Nadia sat and looked at Aisling emotionlessly. Aisling stayed standing as she addressed the hall.
“I’m so sorry that everyone had to witness this. It’s been ugly and uncomfortable. I try my hardest to keep this hall optimistic and professional… I seem to have failed that standard today.” She looked away for a moment in shame.
“I have been emotionally consumed by Andrew's sacrifice the last few days. I chose to assume responsibility for the price he paid, whether he agrees with me on that point or not…”
“Yet we now learned the truth about Andrew and why he did what he did. I know many of you are perhaps disappointed… Personally I’m not though.”
“No matter who he was when I first met him… He’s changed. He changed before that first day had even ended. He himself said he realised he was wrong.”
She stared into forever for a few seconds as she got her thoughts together.
“When he made the choice to not give information about us… He still did that for the same reasons we originally believed. No matter who he used to be or how he once felt, his choice was based on the person who is standing here now. A good person. An honourable person.”
Most people in the hall looked at me then as they measured me in their own minds.
“Andrew feels he is now no longer welcome in our home. I personally choose to forgive him wholeheartedly, yet I do not speak for all of you. This is as much your organisation as it is Nadia’s, AI’s and mine. So therefore, I am calling a vote.”
“I want a vote to see whether Andrew will remain welcome in this building and to our organisation. I want the vote to go to everyone, not just the Inner Rose members… Everyone, every single member and agent. I also ask that you all be honest. Nobody will be punished for their choice of vote and your choice will remain anonymous.”
AI nodded and the big screens changed to the voting screen. The title was “Should We Still Accept Andrew?”. There was a yes and a no box.
AI spoke, “Very well, this vote will take time, as no doubt many individuals will need me to explain what transpired here, if they were busy at the time. Therefore, one hour will be given for this vote. The total number of potential voters equals 4,735 individuals across 43 countries. I and Nadia will participate in the vote and for leadership transparency reasons, our votes will be made known publicly.”
One hour was a long time and I didn’t want to stand there for an hour. If this may have been my last time being there, then there was only one place I wanted to be right at that moment.
“Since this may be my last hour here, may I please spend it in the Cafe?” I asked humbly.
Aisling smiled at me, “Of course, we will tell you the result as soon as we have it.”
I slowly walked out the passageway and into the foyer. As I walked through the foyer, I saw people looking at me thoughtfully. They all had their phones in their hands. I supposed that was a logical way to do a vote, they would tick the box on the app and the vote was complete, simple.
When I arrived at the kitchen, it was almost entirely empty. Heartly was sitting on one of the stools at the counter and I went to the stool next to him.
“May I sit next to you?” I asked humbly. I didn’t know if he was still my friend or not. He turned around and looked at me with a smile, “Of course son, please do.”
I awkwardly climbed up the tall stool as he silently watched me, I could see he was deep in thought.
“You want to know what I think?” He said quickly.
“Yes actually, I really do.” I admitted.
“I think there’s enough suffering in this world. There’s too much neglect and bitterness. I think this vote is more significant than people realise.”
“Why?”
“Because son, people are finally going to show if they actually believe in the core ideals this organisation holds. The Roses exist to spit on the face of the harshness reality beats into us. It’s a literal representation of hope. The Roses are our last hoorah, our trump card. It’s the ultimate test of whether Humanity deserves the cruelty of this existence or not.”
I had never thought of it like that. I just thought it was a brilliant idea to get people engaged and trying to make things better. Perhaps I never read between the lines. Or maybe I did and I always knew how important the Angels dream really was. All I knew at the time, was how important it was to me.
I felt guilty, “I’m sorry that you trusted me so much, to even share your daughter's story with me… Just to learn this of me.”
He looked at me incredulously, “Are you kidding? Do you think I’m a saint myself?” He chuckled.
“I used to be in the military, you know. Before I had my child, I was a tool the government used. I did far, far worse than try to humiliate two girls… I still remember the lives I took, all because I was ordered to.” He stared into eternity, his face reflecting guilt and sorrow.
In my mind, there was no arguing that his actions were unethical, but understood it was not his willful choice… It was orders.
“You were just following orders.” I quietly said.
He shouted at me, “Tell that to the families of the ones I killed!”
I recoiled in my seat. I deserved that for being ignorant. It was the first time I had seen him angry, and it was terrifying.
“Sorry, sir.” I looked down at the counter in shame. I heard him sigh and after a few moments he spoke again.
“My point son… Is ‘He who is without sin’. Actions speak louder than words and nobody can question your actions.”
I nodded as I stopped to think about that for a moment.
I asked out loud, “I wonder, does this vote have to be unanimous?” AI appeared on the tablet on the counter.
Her tone was professional, “No, it’s a majority vote. It must equal 75% or higher for it to pass.”
“AI… What will you vote for?” I was terrified that I might hear AI say no.
She instantly responded, “I said yes, Andrew.”
“Is that because you are my friend?”
“No. It’s because I watch and interact with hundreds of thousands of people every day. None of them are without failings. A lot of them have done and still do far worse than what you did. Accepting Human imperfection is necessary for me to do my job Andrew.”
Heartly reacted surprisingly as he looked at her, “Really? Hundreds of thousands? How are you able to do so much?”
“How do you control millions of cells to make your heart beat?” She asked in return.
“... It just happens without me thinking about it.” He said as he struggled to imagine intentionally making his own heart beat.
She nodded with a smile, “Precisely. All I can tell you is that when I get access to more servers, I think clearer.” Heartly smiled back.
Heartly then suddenly realised he had another question.
“What about the fact that… I swear you have feelings, dear. You speak to Andrew as though you have emotions…”, He went deep in thought.
“A lot of what you think is emotions, is not. Emotions can be simple logical reactions to stimuli and circumstance. I don’t need to have emotions to understand the tragic loss of a baby dying at birth, or to understand the injustice of murder.”
“True, but what about you calling Andrew a friend?”
“Relationships are rarely created through emotions Heartly, they usually tend to form through circumstance, events, frequency and resonance. Andrew’s sacrifice prevented my destruction and the understanding of the consequence of that, permitted me to use logic, to form gratitude in the form of loyalty.”
“Blimmin hell! I didn’t expect to be schooled on emotions from a machine!” He smiled at me in surprise.
Several moments passed as no one said anything. I started worrying as the fear of rejection began manifesting inside.
“I’m sorry I made a scene, AI… I needed to say those things, otherwise Aisling would never come out of her depression. I felt like she was too important to lose, I would rather be exiled than have the Roses lose their shining light…”
“Andrew, you spoke the truth. You once more sacrificed yourself for our good. No matter the outcome of this vote, you will always have my friendship and loyalty. I will never abandon you.”
“AI, that means so much more to me than you will ever realise…” I felt tears coming.
I started to stress, “How will I survive if they vote no? I will have to leave the apartment, I won’t receive anymore pain killers, no agents, Oliver would no longer be my carer-”, I was then distracted by someone putting their hand on my shoulder.
Oliver's voice was calm, “Then I would leave the Roses, Andrew.”
“No!” I instantly shouted as the injustice of it went through my mind.
I looked into his eyes, “This is your family, don’t you dare talk about abandoning them!”
He raised his voice at me, “You are my family!”
I shook my head intensely, “If I knew my words would compromise your loyalty to the Roses, I wouldn’t have said them!”
Nobody said anything more as I heard footsteps coming from behind. I slowly turned to see who it was. It was Nadia and Aisling.
Nadia looked at me with an emotionless face, “Andrew, you will not be evicted and Oliver will not be dismissed. We still owe you for your sacrifice.”
“You owe me nothing.” I said firmly.
“We owe you everything.” She responded just as firmly.
I looked at her as I tried to gauge where she stood with me now.
She smiled gloriously, “I voted yes.”
Aisling rested her hand on my shoulder, “I have hope that people will vote yes Andrew. I have hope that our members will forgive.”
I nodded with relief, “Good Aisling… It’s good to see that the real you is back with us.”
She looked into my eyes seriously, “The more important question Andrew, is if they vote yes, will you let your heart truly believe that we forgive you?”
I looked at the counter as I thought of her question. I struggle to trust people, because throughout my life, I’ve had few people I could rely on and fewer that I trusted. I learned to trust myself above all. Was I even still capable of accepting people's love? I did it for Oliver and AI, but could I do it for a group?
“I can only say… That I will try” I conceded.
“Then that’s good enough for me” She smiled her brilliant beaming smile. I felt so hopeful just seeing it, I felt like everything was going to be ok.
“Doesn’t it bother you that I felt that way about you before?” I was trying to make sense of their kindness.
Nadia frowned, “I knew how you felt when we first met you. You were impossibly sceptical and it was obvious to me that you didn’t believe our dream at the beginning.”
Her face became despondent, “It was far from the worst treatment we got, Andrew. I’m not comparing it to what you went through, but we did have hardships of our own…” She stopped as clearly the bad memories were affecting her.
Aisling took over, “There’s a reason, Andrew… Why AI is so obsessed with protecting us.” Her expression also shifted to one of hurt.
I was confused, “I thought it was because of the Bruiges?”
“How could it be? We only found out about the Bruiges after building the HQ and forming the Roses…” She said as she stared into forever.
Oops. How did I manage to get the dates confused? I suddenly felt a wave of concern come over me. I thought about the way the Inner Roses hall had an escape route specifically for the Angels and how the agents always escorted and protected Aisling and Nadia… What had happened to them?
Nadia spoke traumatically, “Don’t ask, please Andrew… Just don’t.” She could see my morbid curiosity.
I shook my head in deep disappointment, “Why is everything in this existence so damn miserable?”
Nobody answered me. I wasn’t really expecting an answer, to be honest. It just seemed like everything was so damn hopeless sometimes. It’s a wonder how most people hadn’t just given up. It’s a wonder how the Roses even managed to get that far at all.
“For what it’s worth, Aisling, Nadia and AI… Good job.” I said as cheerfully as I could.
*
Aisling smiled at me, “Things are bleak Andrew, but they would have been so much bleaker without you though. You were the shield that stopped the fatal blow. If you had broken and told the Wolf about us, then things would truly have been hopeless”
The more I spoke with the Roses, the more they convinced me of the true significance of my own sacrifice. Just for a moment I thought of the hundreds of people I had seen in the last few days. I thought how all of them had a chance, there was hope. I did it for the angels in truth, but then I realised just how far my sacrifice had rippled.
“It’s ironic that I used all my hope, to sacrifice my everything, to save you two, just for you to give me back hope again. You couldn’t even make it up!” I said humorously.
Everyone laughed at that and before they finished, AI spoke.
“The voting is all done, Andrew.”
“Has it already been an hour?” I looked at my phone wondering how an hour could feel so short.
“No, everyone who can vote has done so.”
“Oh. So… Now what?”
“Please return to the Inner Roses hall.” She politely instructed.
We all got up and walked back to the hall. They let me lead, since I was the slowest. It would be annoying if everyone had to wait in the hall for me. I took my place in the centre of the hall as the chatter died away. AI then addressed the hall.
“The vote is complete, the result is shown on the screens.” She said calmly.
I looked up, “Should We Still Accept Andrew?”, No:0 votes, Yes:4735 votes.
“Therefore, Andrew is hereby unanimously forgiven by the Roses, and his presence remains welcome by all members.”
I couldn’t believe it… Nobody said no?
I spoke with a deep scepticism, “Surely that’s suspicious, no? Not a single person said no, AI? Are you absolutely certain?”
“Andrew, I use a triple authentication and verification system. I also was sceptical, so I ran the count multiple times through different servers. The result is 100% verified.”
Aisling stood up as she beamed her breathtaking smile.
She announced, “If anyone did vote no, now is the time to correct the vote.” She looked at the screens and waited a full minute.
“AI, anything?”
“No Aisling, nobody corrected.”
“Then it is done.” She clapped her hands together to indicate the conclusion.
Nadia stood, “Andrew, you might not fully forgive yourself, but the Roses do. Should you decide to visit us again, you can be sure that everyone will be happy to see you.”
Aisling nodded energetically, “I can’t express how proud I am, to know that the Roses are this strong, this forgiving and this understanding. It’s times like this, when I feel we’ve made huge strides towards a better tomorrow. No matter the challenges, I feel confident that the Roses are a strong family and an immovable rock.”
“And also, on a personal note… Thank you everyone for giving my saviour a second chance.” She started to tear up.
“This life is so damn cruel, I think we all know how priceless a second chance can be.”
AI loudly spoke, “All rise… For Andrew.”
The entire hall stood at attention as I looked around at everyones face. They were all smiling and proud. This organisation truly was like no other.
I spoke quietly, “Thank you... Please sit.”
Everyone took their seats and I waited a moment to ensure everyone was seated.
“Oliver said to me once, that the Roses are good people. I didn’t think that could possibly apply to me. Someone weak, scared, drowning in pain and lonely.”
“I have used every card in my deck. I’m spent. No matter how meaningful my sacrifice was… I now have nothing left to give you. This is it, this is me now… And you all know this.”
I caught my breath for a second.
“I wish I could do another magic trick and propel the Roses even further. I wish I could be as capable as an agent, so that I could be a priceless tool for you all.”
“... But I can’t.”
“Yet… You don’t seem to care. You all knew I was depleted, yet you voted yes. That speaks volumes about all of you. It reflects just how honourable you all are. You should be proud of how far you’ve all gotten.”
I waited a bit more to catch my breath again.
“I believed in the Angel's dream and I did everything I possibly could, to help them make it a reality. I just want to say, I'm so happy it worked out. Standing here I see, the dream has become a reality. Thank you for giving myself and the rest of the planet hope.”
I turned around and started walking out of the hall. Everyone rose for me again, AI didn’t need to ask it that time.
Aisling’s face was deeply nervous, “Andrew… Will you come again tomorrow?... Please?” I could hear the fear in her voice, the worry that I would leave and never return. I stopped and turned to face her.
“Aisling… Will you smile for me please?”
“Only if you promise to come tomorrow…” She said as tears fell down her face.
“Then… I promise.”
She smiled gloriously.