Chapter 4

Everything is different

The drive back home was uneventful as Ashley intensely focused on driving slowly and smoothly, to ease my pain from the bumps. I could see this was difficult for her as she probably drove a lot faster usually.

As we drove, my mind was going over all the things that happened today. That may have been the most emotional two hours I could ever recall. So much happened and so much had changed.

When I woke up that morning, everything was hopeless. All of a sudden it was brimming with hope. It was as if a golden ray of sunlight had pierced the storm clouds and I could see a future where there was more than me just suffering alone.

Yet after all that happened, I still felt empty. I feel cold, alone and hurt. The pain rapidly grew on the car ride home as it got out of control… It was terrifying. I was no stranger to pain, for I had lived with it for nearly a year by that stage… However the pain I had at that moment, it was completely different. It almost had a mind of its own.

When I thought about how quickly the pain escalated when I first went into the hall… It had never been that quick to build. Something was different with me now, it must have changed in the last few weeks. I couldn’t say exactly what it was though. It almost felt like in the last year I had been slowly building up that pain. Perhaps, I had reached my limit? Perhaps I simply couldn’t mentally handle it anymore.

We finally made it back to the apartment as we stopped at the front door and I briefly turned around to speak with Ashley.

“Would you like to come in Ashley?” I calmly asked as I opened the front door.

“My orders are to stay with you till Oliver returns this evening. If you feel uncomfortable with me being inside, I can stand guard outside?” Her response was quick as she looked me straight in the eye.

I looked away as I lost confidence. I couldn’t match eyes with her, for she was so much more than me right at that moment. I found myself angered by her response, for she spoke as though she were a dog, to be kept outside for being a nuisance.

My response was fast and surprisingly aggressive, “Absolutely not!”

My pain was lacing my words with anger, damnit. I needed to adjust my tone quickly before Ashley assumed she had angered me.

She slightly jumped in surprise as her eyes changed expression. She looked away slightly sadly, as I took a few breaths to try to control myself. I couldn’t allow myself to snap at her like this again, I wouldn’t permit it.

“I’m sorry Ashley… When my pain gets really bad, I unintentionally sound angry. I’m sorry, please don’t think you’ve wronged.” I intentionally made a point of looking into her eyes, to try to convey my sincerity.

“Please come inside, I respect you far too much to ever consider leaving you outside like a pet.” I implored her.

Her response was cold in tone, “Like a pet? Oh Andrew, you misunderstand how an agent operates. My only concern is doing my job. Pride has no bearing at all.”

“Then come inside and you can explain it all to me, but please… Don’t stand out here alone, I just can’t have that.”

She smiled at me, which was exactly the response I had bet on seeing. I entered the apartment and went straight to the couch in the living room. I wanted to see what they were talking about in the Inner Roses hall. I slowly reached over to grab the TV remote when Ashley coughed to get my attention.

I looked at her to see she was holding that horrible yellow bottle full of pain killers. I instantly feel intense anger, not at her but rather at myself. After having experienced feeling no pain earlier, being back on this drug crutch felt so humiliating. No matter how incredible today was, I was still completely broken. I was still just a drugged up shadow. I felt like I was simply being kept alive to stop others from worrying. At that moment, I hated myself and I hated my life.

My pain then instantly ramped up to maximum as I started crying while I rocked back and forth in pain. My breathing became laboured and I could barely think straight.

The TV turned on, and AI’s avatar appeared on the screen. Her face was full of concern as she crossed her arms.

AI’s tone was sincere, “Your pain triggered immediately after Ashley showed you the pills, Andrew... Talk to me, what are you thinking right now?”

“It’s nothing…” I whispered.

Ashley quietly said, “No more hiding Andrew…”

I turned to her, as I struggled to breath properly and shouted, “You are not nearly qualified enough nor mentally prepared for me right now Ashley. Thank you for showing your concern, but take those pills and fuck off!”

A part of me instantly regretted that, but most of my mind was focusing on trying to survive the waves of excruciating pain. Like a lighthouse in a storm, the pain was thrashing into me again and again, bashing me relentlessly. I could barely even think and I definitely couldn’t care less about hurting her feelings.

Ashley walked up to me quickly and crouched down. If she was going to smack me, it would hardly hurt more than the agony I felt at that moment. At least I would have known how she felt at that moment.

Instead she gently placed her hand on my knee as I rocked back and forth. I looked at her and she was smiling, which was not at all what I was expecting.

Her voice was so kind, “You’re right and I won’t argue over it. Just take these pills and we can fight about it in an hour, ok?”

She presented her other hand with two pills in it. I looked at the pills and surrendered. Not tonight... I didn’t have it in me to fight tonight.

I grabbed the pills and swallowed them both instantly. It usually took about thirty minutes for them to take effect. Ashley stood up and walked away. She handled that so effectively, you would have thought she had done it before.

The next forty minutes went by agonisingly. Ashley simply stood in the doorway watching, as I yelped while the pain flowed through me. Her eyes showed fascination and horror in equal doses. Maybe she was truly witnessing the extent of the pain I felt then.

Then the drugs finally took effect, and I felt the warmth starting to ease my muscles. Usually two tablets would have caused me to fall asleep, but the pain I felt then was worse than it had ever been… I imagined it would have just put me into a relaxed state, perhaps even slightly sleepy.

My rocking back and forth stopped and my thoughts returned to me. Slowly the throbbing went away and what happened before could be gone over by my mind.

I looked at Ashley with intense feelings of remorse. I started crying in shame as the memory of what I said returned to me. I can’t believe I said that to her, one of the best agents in the Roses. I didn’t know how I would fix that, how could I make amends?

Ashley noticed me looking at her and she smiled and walked over to me. I was about to start speaking when she shushed me… Oh boy, I was about to get absolutely thrashed. She crouched down so that she was at eye level with me.

“I appreciate your honesty.” She finally said.

“I can tell you try your hardest to take others into consideration. You worry about what you say to others, and how they will react to you.”

“But I know that deep down you hide your true feelings, because you’re still human after all.”

“Even when you speak to people, you’re hiding, Andrew.”

She was entirely right as she hit the nail on the head. I realised she was more observant than I had initially assumed.

Tears flowed down my face as I shook my head, “I have to Ashley… I depend on others to survive. This home, these drugs… None of it is mine. I depend on everyone for everything. I can’t burn bridges, I can’t wrong my friends. If I must hide, then hide I shall, because that’s better than me losing everything and having no one at my side.”

AI gently spoke, “Do you really feel that way about our relationship, Andrew?”

A few moments went by in awkward silence. For a moment I had considered changing my tone and pretending that I didn’t mean what I had just said… But then I remembered that above all else, AI was my friend and therefore she deserved my honesty.

“Yes.” I finally admitted as I buried my face in my hands.

AI responded firmly, “You are wrong in your assessment, my friend. We do not care for you as an expression of control.”

Her voice became gentle, “We help you because we genuinely care about you.”

I spoke trying to express my worry, “Until I say or do something you can’t accept, then you will naturally stop caring for me. You will take it all away as punishment and either I will behave or I will perish.”

Her face went sad, “Andrew… When did you stop trusting me?”

“I…” I couldn’t continue.

What she said echoed through me and stunned me. When did I? What proof did I have that they would take away the things that they had given me? They had never shown that kind of behaviour before, ever. I spent several moments thinking about it and I realised that this was a manifestation of the change in me that started a few weeks ago.

“AI… What changed in me? Weeks ago, I was different, so something has changed and I can’t work out what it is…”

AI calmly explained, “Andrew, this is precisely why Oliver broke his promise. Now you can see that he acted out of concern. He saw you change and he did the only thing he could think of to try to help.”

“So you both noticed the change? Was it so obvious to everyone except myself?” I asked as I stared at the floor.

AI didn’t respond, but I knew what the answer was. How did I not see myself change?

Ashley quietly said, “Pain changes people…”

“I have lived with pain long enough that I should have control over it now. I should be used to it…” I tried to convince myself.

AI’s tone remained calm, “Nobody can conquer pain, Andrew… It’s a poison and it either goes away, or it entirely consumes its victim.”

“You managed to live with it this long because your will is unusually strong. Many men would have died of the pain, halfway through the torture already.”

AI was correct and I was silly in thinking I had mastered pain. I clearly hadn’t and it seemed to have flipped the table on me right at the end. What else could I have done though? The pain never permanently left. It always returned. How could I stop the pain from continuing to change me like that?

“I don’t know what to do…” I honestly admitted.

AI responded understandingly, “Admitting that you have changed is the first step Andrew. Understanding why is the second step. The third step? We don’t know this yet.”

“So how do I stop getting worse?” I asked desperately.

A few moments passed before AI responded.

“I don’t know, Andrew, but I promise you, I will never stop trying to find a way.”

“I know AI… I know.” I responded emotionally as my tears kept falling.

*

I finally stopped crying as AI looked at me with complete focus and attention. She wore the expression Oliver frequently showed me… A face of worry, affection, and respect.

Ashley finally ended the silence.

“You really do care for him don’t you?” She said looking at AI on the tv.

“Of course I do, did you not believe that before?” AI looked at Ashley incredulously.

“I don’t suppose I did to be honest.” She looked away, deep in thought.

“Why didn’t you?” AI asked, knowing what the answer was going to be before she said it.

“I didn’t think you were capable of feeling.” She predictably answered.

“I know Ashley and many others share that belief about me.”

There was a hint of frustration in Ashley’s eyes as she said nothing for a moment, before finally speaking once more.

Her tone was accusing, “You never speak to anyone else, you know that?”

“Yes, I know.” AI frankly responded.

I looked at Ashley as I tried to imagine how she must have been feeling at that moment. Ignored? Unimportant? I suppose that answer depended on whether she valued AI as a person, rather than a thing.

“Did you ever try talking to AI yourself, without being prompted?” I gently asked Ashley.

She folded her arms, for she had clearly become frustrated.

“No… I never did” She begrudgingly answered.

“How was I to know I could though? I didn’t know AI was capable of all of this!”

AI raised her hands in surrender, “It’s ok Ashley, we’re not accusing you or judging you. You’re not on trial.”

A moment or two passed before Ashley finally continued.

“Nobody else talks to you though, AI. If it were just me, then it would be individual ignorance. However, the fact that you don’t even talk to agents like you talk to Andrew, implies something about yourself, AI. It’s not just me being ignorant, it’s also you keeping your distance.”

AI responded instantly, “Yes, you are correct Ashley.”

Ashley was taken back by surprise, for she clearly didn’t expect AI to agree with her. She looked at the floor as she didn’t have anything more to say in response. AI looked back at me, once more showing that face.

I spoke apologetically, “AI… I’m so sorry that I couldn’t be my best for you today, when I finally met you in person.”

She smiled gloriously, “You were brilliant, Andrew. It was everything I could have hoped for and more.”

“Really? I mean I fell asleep-”

“You slept because of the pain, that’s completely understandable.”

“I shouted-”

“You shouted something I have heard every day for nearly a year. I knew you would and I don’t judge you for your nightmares.”

“I cried in front of-”

“Everyone cried today Andrew, because we empathise with you and because we care for you. I only wish I could have cried myself…” she looked away.

I stopped talking and looked at her on the screen, as I thought about just how much she cared for me. Here I was worrying about all the bad things, yet she was choosing to celebrate all the good things.

“I’m sorry AI… I see now, there’s a better way to look at it. It was so exciting to be there with you, to be in the centre of the Inner Roses hall with you and to see your true face.” It was time to talk about the good.

AI looked back at me and beamed a massive smile.

She bounced up and down with excitement, “It was so exciting, everyone finally got to see you, Andrew!”

She crossed her arms and looked into the distance, “I was afraid of how everyone would react, especially when you took off your hoodie.”

“I had faith they would accept you, but in reality they even surprised me. The Roses are far more accepting than I had predicted.”

So she did have doubts… Of course she did. Just because she could compute a lot of things, didn’t mean she knew the future. Nothing in reality was guaranteed.

“Your avatar is perfect by the way, I couldn’t imagine you any other way.” I gently complimented her.

“Thank you, Andrew. I thought long and hard about how I wanted to look. Every detail is a reflection of who I am and who I am connected to.” She smiled excitedly..

“Your hair being short, is that because Aisling and Nadia have their hair short?” I asked with genuine curiosity.

“Yes! Did you notice I made my own stitched pattern?”

You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

“Of course, the many gears, that’s so logical. I immediately noticed that. Your role in the Roses is so vital, you know…” I looked into the distance.

She smiled, “I do my best Andrew, just like you…”

The rest of the afternoon was mostly quiet. Ashley didn’t seem to have anything to say as she looked at her phone. AI was showing the Inner Roses hall broadcast on the TV. Just because she wasn’t streaming it onto the internet, didn’t mean the cameras weren’t filming it.

I observed Aisling closely throughout the meeting. She remained silent the entire time, simply observing as others spoke. Nadia took charge of the conversation on behalf of Aisling.

Eventually they adjourned, the hall emptied, and I knew Oliver would be home in thirty minutes. Oliver… There were things that he and I had to talk about, feelings that had to be addressed.

For the next thirty minutes I played chess with AI on the TV. Naturally I would never win against her, but that wasn’t the point, it was simply an activity to share with my friend.

I finally heard the front door open and the sound of keys being dropped on the table. I heard Oliver walk to the kitchen, no doubt to warm up my soup. He always did this, the same routine every day… Such a loyal friend.

Eventually the microwave finished cooking as I heard the beeping. He came walking into the living room holding the plastic container of soup. He paused for a second on entry as he looked at me, trying to assess how I felt about him. I looked at him calmly.

He walked to the table to put the soup container down in front of me and a spoon next to it.

“I’m back…” He said quietly.

I slowly stood up from the couch and he took a step back.

“Andrew, I know you’re angry with me. I know I betrayed your trust with the vote…” His face was wracked with guilt and remorse.

I took a few steps closer to him and he looked down at the floor in shame.

“Andrew… I was just so worried about you-”

“No.” I said firmly.

“I didn’t know what else to do-”

“Stop.” I shook my head.

He looked away with his hands at his side, as he struggled to hold himself back from crying. I could see he had been dreading this moment, fearing it. He was desperately trying his hardest to make amends.

I walked up to him and hugged him. For a second he froze in surprise as he began to break down.

“I’m so sorry!” he cried.

“I failed you because I didn’t know what to do… I just wanted to help you so badly!”

“I don’t want you to suffer, please forgive me. I failed you… Please…”

I rocked us side to side as I also cried.

“I know mate, I now see why you did it. Don’t worry about it a second longer, I forgive you and I’m truly honoured to have you as my friend.” I struggled to speak as my emotions overcame me.

He sobbed loudly, squeezing me slightly as I too fought to hold back tears. This man had done so much for me and yet he still felt he hadn’t done enough. There could be no greater sign of loyalty.

“You’re incredible Oliver, you’re so much more than I deserve.” I quietly said to him.

“I thought I lost you! I thought I lost your friendship! I couldn’t handle that Andrew, I could never handle that!” He was emotional.

I assured him, “You’ll never lose my friendship, never!”

Moments passed as Oliver finally calmed down. Only when he stopped crying did I finally let go of him. He looked me in the eyes with admiration and I hoped I was looking back at him the same.

AI spoke, “Eat Andrew, it’s the only thing you have all day, I want to see you eat.”

“Ok… I was really hungry anyway. Go get changed mate, you don’t need to wear your Roses set at home.” I tried joking with him.

“I don’t mind, that can wait.” He said as he sat down right next to me.

I slowly opened the container and the smell of delicious chicken soup wafted up. I absolutely adored that soup. It was literally life-savingly good. I started eating it slowly with my shaky hands. A few spoonfuls in, I looked at Oliver. He was staring at me like he was desperately waiting to say something.

“What’s on your mind mate?” I gently asked him as I went for another spoonful of soup.

“Andrew, a lot happened today. I want to talk about it with you, please.” He implored.

He spoke in depth with me about everything, for amongst his many caring responsibilities, he also acted as my therapist. My mental state was his job, but also his genuine concern.

“Ask away, to you I am always an open book.” I said earnestly.

“How do you feel about everyone knowing about what you went through?” Oof, straight at me with a heavy question.

“I felt betrayed initially. After that I felt vulnerable, knowing everyone knew something I didn’t want them to. Now? Now I feel liberated.”

“Liberated?” he gently asked.

“Yeah. I never knew that keeping the last year secret was weighing me down. For once, I didn’t have to think about everything I said, for once I didn’t have to hide my face…”

Oliver nodded in agreement as he gave me a few moments to eat some more soup before he carried on.

“I feel that way too, Andrew. Michael, AI and I spent so many months redirecting conversations, carefully planning your medical visits and trying to pretend you didn’t exist. The last one weighed me down more than anything else, pretending you don’t exist when I go to work…”

Oliver stared into forever as he arranged his thoughts. I wanted to say something about how I felt like I didn’t exist, but that was too much… Especially for tonight. I won’t make him cry again if I can help it.

“How do you feel people think of you now, Andrew?”

“Well considering the way they treated me when I left, I honestly feel they appreciated me.” I said thoughtfully.

Oliver looked at me puzzled for a moment with his head slightly tilted. I looked at AI on the TV.

“AI, did nobody in the hall see my farewell?”

AI politely responded, “No Andrew, what happened was spontaneous. By the time I had realised what was happening, you were already halfway out the building.”

“Can you show Oliver please?”

“Of course.”

Oliver watched the TV with immense concentration and he smiled as the video went on. Then he saw the outside camera, the sea of Roses members gathered to thank me and watch me leave. He began to cry again. Damn, he cried again. At least it wasn’t really me who made him cry this time.

The video ended and he softly spoke, “That’s incredible… And you didn’t arrange that AI? That truly happened on its own?”

“I firmly believe in every member of Roses having the right to their own opinion. I never force or imply anyone to feel or interpret anything my way. All those people did that of their own accord.” She firmly stated.

Oliver chuckled as he leaned back into the sofa. That was a far better response from the members than he was expecting. In fact, I think everyone, myself included, was surprised by that response.

“My turn to ask questions.” I gently said as I finished the last spoonful of soup.

“Fire away.” Oliver looked genuinely happy to be having the chat.

“When did you tell them about me?”

Oliver paused and looked at his hands for a few moments.

“Yesterday. The entire day was spent talking about you.”

“The entire day?!” I was surprised.

“We had to explain why, then what and eventually what it meant. It’s a lot to unpack, mate…”

I looked at AI for a moment as she gently rocked back and forth on her heels.

“When you said you told them ‘everything’, now I see you meant that literally” My tone was slightly begrudging.

Oliver justified it, “Andrew, your story is too epic to summarise. What you did and why it matters, is a tale for the ages.”

“It seems I constantly undervalue my own impact somehow. From my perspective, I naively and stubbornly got badly hurt and nearly died for a hopeless dream. From your perspective, I was a hero making a valiant sacrifice for the good of humanity.”

Oliver breathed out in frustration, for he didn’t like it when I belittled what happened. He honestly felt that what I did was legendary.

He spoke with certainty, “The fact is Andrew, you did something seemingly impossible and you did it for unbelievably noble reasons. You may not see it, but from our eyes, it’s truly incredible.”

I spoke honestly, “I know Oliver. I just worry others will forget that I am still just human. That others will constantly expect greatness from me, because anything else would be a letdown.”

“Andrew, that won’t happen. We are all just so grateful that you are still with us. In the stories, usually the hero goes down with the ship. Too many tales end with valiant sacrifices and then death. We didn’t lose you… Thank God.”

AI nodded excitedly in agreement, as did Ashley. Ashley in fact joined in.

“As someone who barely knows you, perhaps my opinion would be of interest to you Andrew?”

“Actually yes. You have the perfect perspective. Tell me what you think of me, only finding out about me yesterday.”

Ashley paused to think about what she would say. Eventually she looked confident enough.

“You’re fucking unreal.” She showed a wicked smile.

AI stopped moving, Oliver made a slightly audible “what?” sound and I just nodded.

“The problem I think most will have Andrew, is that we can’t really process it all. I know I couldn’t” She looked into the distance.

“Even after yesterday's meeting, I didn’t really fathom it. I went home and felt nothing about it at all to be honest.” She looked right into my eyes.

Oliver seemed annoyed by this as he folded his arms making a tsk sound.

“Really? Nothing Ashley?” He looked incredulous.

“Yes, nothing at all. I actually thought it was all a little overly dramatic to be honest…” She looked at Oliver.

“Except, I then finally went to bed… And let me tell you, I had no sleep at all. The second I turned off the lights, there was the list of torture in my mind. Slowly over the hours, my mind processed the list.”

Ashley looked away from all of us then, her face was distraught.

“My mind raced again and again, trying to process all of it. The more I realised the quantity and degree, the more I started to feel emotions towards it.”

“By the time my alarm went off, I was crying. I had realised just how selfless it was, just how extreme it truly was. My mind had truly fathomed what Andrew did and it was just so massive…”

She closed her eyes, “Then I saw Andrew this morning. I saw him struggling to walk into the hall. I saw him kneel and not be able to stand back up. I heard him bare his heart to AI… And I knew it was true. I knew Andrew really did all of this. He really actually endured it all.” She paused for a long moment.

“Then I saw him in pain earlier, I saw him shaking as he rocked back and forth… I saw a man, who was fighting the worst form of pain anyone could ever imagine. Yet it was clear… This was not his first nor his last battle with it. He has had this battle for far too long…”

She opened her eyes and looked at me, her face was full of respect.

“You’re fucking unreal Andrew. I now know why Michael reacted like he did, I now know why AI and Oliver are so loyal to you. Having seen you in person… You’re unreal, yet somehow… Real.”

She was done and so she said nothing more. I looked away as I tried to process that. Michael… What did she mean by that? Did she hate me as well? No, she just said she respected me.

Oliver coughed to clear his voice.

“Ok, so what you’re saying is that it’s a lot to take in?”

Ashley immediately responded, “Perhaps too much. People will need far more time to process it.”

AI spoke, “I knew it would be a lot, I just assumed a day would be sufficient.”

“We don’t have the luxury of time.” Oliver quickly interjected.

“Why?” I asked

All three looked away from me immediately. Ok, so we were about to approach something hard? I waited a few moments, yet nobody said anything.

“Why don’t we have time?” I asked again.

AI quietly responded, “Because you…” but she didn’t finish the sentence.

Oliver slowly spoke, “Andrew… There’s still the chance…”

“What on earth are you talking about? Spit it out!” I said to them, as I began to lose patience.

Finally Ashley stood up from leaning against the wall.

“They think you’re gonna top yourself.”

Oh. I then saw the reason for hesitation. I couldn’t blame them for being careful on this topic, it was very heavy.

“I won’t” I firmly stated.

“If the pain does-” Oliver tried to speak.

“I WON’T!” I shouted.

Oliver slightly jumped back from me on the couch as he looked around, slightly panicking. He was thinking about what to say.

“Save your breath my friend. This pain is worse than ever before, yes I admit that. It’s really hard to bear… It’s not impossible yet though.”

Ashley jumped in very quickly.

“How though? How can you bear it? I watched you Andrew, you could barely even think! Your body was shattered earlier… I think you’re not managing at all!”

I had to admit, I loved her directness. No tip-toeing on broken glass with Ashley, just straight talk.

“It’s psychological… I was triggered that time…” I tried to justify.

Oliver chimed in, “Wait what happened?”

“I showed Andrew the painkillers and he fell apart.” She coldly stated.

“Was he in intense pain before?”

“No, I was having him take it as a precaution.”

Oliver looked at me with concern. You could see he was trying to understand the problem as a psychologist.

“It was a trigger. Andrew, what did you honestly feel when you saw the pill bottle?”

“... Self loathing…” I honestly responded.

“Why?” He asked kindly.

“Because it was a reminder that even after today, I am still a broken drug addict.”

Oliver looked away very quickly, as if he had just been punched across the face. I could see that disappointed him immensely. Even Ashley made a grunt of disapproval.

I clenched my teeth, “You don’t know what it’s like to be in my shoes. You can’t fathom having everything depend on a drug.” I didn’t appreciate the judgement.

Ashley aggressively shot at me, “Yeah but that also means you spend more time in the shadow, where suicide is a mere thought away.”

Oliver did not like hearing that said out loud and neither did AI. I personally found it refreshing to be honest. I knew Ashley cared about me then, because she chose to say these things. If she didn’t care, she would have said nothing.

“Ashley, watch your tone…” AI slowly warned.

I objected, “No, don’t censor yourself Ashley, I need someone to say it like it is, promise me you’ll always be this direct.”

Ashley looked at me with both irritation and admiration, as Oliver shook his head. It was good to see Oliver irritated instead of panicked or worried.

I admitted, “She’s right. If there’s one thing I have realised after today, it’s that I’m not winning. In fact, I’m losing horribly.”

“Andrew, I can’t lose you…” Oliver said slowly.

“I promise you, your fear will never come to pass. No matter the pain, I won’t surrender.”

“If that came from anyone else, I wouldn’t believe it. Yet I know just how strong you really are Andrew… I feel more confident.” Oliver said as he looked at the floor.

Ashley walked up to me and crouched to my eye level.

“So what are you going to do to make sure?” She asked firmly.

“I will take the pills everyday… No matter how I feel about it.” I begrudgingly stated.

Oliver smiled the biggest smile in weeks.

“That really puts me at ease, Andrew… More than you might know.” He said gently.

AI kneeled down and she bowed her head with her eyes closed.

“Thank you my friend, it means the world to us… To me.”

*

Oliver still wanted to ask more questions and I didn't mind, I was actually excited to answer them.

“What are your thoughts about visiting the HQ?”

“It’s massive, yet I feel like I only saw it as a visitor to be honest. The hall was far larger than it looked on tv.”

AI asked, “What would you like to see that you didn’t today, to feel as though you visited it more meaningfully?”

“It doesn’t matter AI, I am grateful I went at all…”

“It does matter Andrew, I want you to feel welcome there, I want you to walk that building as if it’s your own home”

“AI, I am not a member of the Roses. I can never feel the way you want me to.”

“Then become a member, I will fast forward the application and you will be accepted instantly.”

“No AI… I don’t feel comfortable with this.” I said quietly.

“You don’t want to be a member of the Roses?”

I looked away from everyone toward the window. I didn’t want to even think about it then. It felt too fast and too overwhelming. My relationship with the Roses and AI complicated things and I didn’t feel ready.

Ashley asked frankly, “Does he need to though?”

Oliver was puzzled, “What do you mean Ashley?”

“Well… If he did join, he couldn’t possibly be an ordinary member right? He’s done too much. He can’t join and be Inner Roses, he’s not got a speciality.”

Everybody thought about it except me and they went silent as they tried to work out how I would fit in. I finally snapped them all out of it.

“It doesn’t matter, I don’t want to and I’m not obligated, yes?”

AI smiled, “We have so much more time now than before, Andrew… Take all the time you want and no matter what you decide, I only want your friendship.”

Oliver nodded in agreement. He hadn’t stopped smiling since I committed to taking the pills. It really must have meant a lot to him…

“Ok next question… Michael?” Oliver slightly raised his glasses when he looked at me.

“Pass.”

“Ok…” He awkwardly said.

AI’s tone was gentle, “You can’t avoid him forever, Andrew. He is connected to you in so many more ways than you know.”

I refused to comment, as I simply kept looking out the window. I was not going to talk about that, as it hurt me too much to do so. I didn’t want to think of how much he despised me.

AI surprisingly asked the next question.

“Andrew, how can we pay you back for what you sacrificed for us?”

“You already have paid me back, a hundred times over.”

AI tilted her head to the side in mild confusion, “We haven’t given you anything yet though?”

“I invested in you and the Angels, and in return, you created the Roses. You are massive now and you’re changing the world every single day. That was what I wanted out of this exchange… And I got it back twice over.”

AI smiled at me and Oliver put his hand on my knee. Ashley looked at me with such strong admiration, I thought she might come and kiss me. She changed her face as she realised she also had a question.

“When Michael was talking to us, Aisling said you would have made a fine agent. Michael very strongly reacted when she said that… What is that all about?” Her tone was genuine.

That was actually an intensely hidden fact of mine, yet AI and Oliver realised it without me ever saying it.

“Because I desperately wish I was one.” I stared at the floor as a wave of disappointment and regret smashed into me.

Ashley tilted her head in surprise, “That’s the first step, Andrew. The desire to be more. To go above and beyond in pursuit of growth. You definitely have it in you.”

I shook my head, “Except I can barely walk 10 metres without falling over in pain… I’ll never be one Ashley… Never.” A wave of hopelessness crashed over me.

“Time will tell… I have a feeling you will.” She had a wicked grin on her face.

“It doesn’t matter. You got Michael instead and he’s perfect. It could have been worse, you could have had no hero at all.” I remembered how much would have been lost if I hadn’t kept them hidden with my silence.

Ashley stood up from leaning against the wall as she looked at me for a few moments.

“I’m going now, my shift ended an hour ago and I need to sleep. Andrew it’s been a privilege to speak to you in person. You really are so much more than you seem.”

She walked out the living room without even saying goodbye. Oliver then stood up and also dismissed himself, for I could see he was very tired. Today was a stressful day he had been waiting for and dreading for weeks.

I quickly grabbed the sleeve of his blazer and he stopped, looking at me puzzled.

I spoke quietly with sincerity, “Thanks for being my friend Oliver.”

“Thank you too, Andrew.” He smiled intensely.

He left the room leaving just AI and myself. She watched me with no expression, she just her arms at her side.

“What’s it like to not need sleep AI?” I asked out of curiosity.

“What is it like to have to sleep, Andrew?” She flipped back to me.

“Ah… Nevermind.” I realised it was too late for this kind of topic.

She smiled, “Indeed, maybe another time?”

“Indeed, next time.”

I slowly got up to go to my room. Since I don’t sleep at night, I would browse the web and read text logs that AI created for me, about what happened in the day. I would talk with her about it, ask questions ect.

But at that moment, my day was over, I’d try to sleep at 4 AM.