Chapter 10

As I walked through the passageway and reached the split between the gym and the cafe, I found myself stopping and looking towards the gym. A part of me wished I could go there, make myself stronger, faster and get more endurance. I may never get that chance though.

Michael put his hand on my shoulder, “We start now, because now is all we will ever have Andrew.”

I turned to look at him, “Start what?”

“Your training.”

I looked at the gym doors and back to Michael, “I don’t think I could lift a single weight…”

“Well, we will still try mate, but first… Food.”

He pulled me away and into the cafe. It was crowded with people, but it grew a bit quieter when I entered and people noticed me. Many thoughtful faces glanced in my direction. I tried to ignore the attention as we made our way to the counter. Ruth was still there, her gaze now fixed on me as well. Ashley stood next to her once again, and Heartly was there, holding a fish in one hand and a cucumber in the other.

He said to the two ladies, “So bass and cucumber soup…”

“I come into the kitchen, and 50 orders are for… Bass and cucumber soup.”

Ashley laughed out loud and Ruth snickered. Heatly dropped the two food items on the table.

“Honestly, I have never had to cook stranger food, than for the Roses.” He smiled as he started chopping up the cucumber.

I took a seat on Ruth's left and Michael sat on my left. Ruth turned to me immediately, I could tell she wanted to talk to me about something.

Her face was concerned, “So that’s your dark secret, Andrew.”

I looked her in her eyes, “Was it better or worse than you imagined?”

“It was better… I’m happy to see that after all you went through… You never became as bad as the monsters that haunted you.”

I looked at the counter deep in thought, “I tried to be a monster when I first met the angels… I wanted to humiliate them… I wanted them to have a taste of the reality I was born into.”

She slightly shook her head, “That didn’t last long… By the end of the day you stood at their side… Just like the Black Roses, Andrew. It takes a good person to change… In the face of actionable proof.”

“I wouldn’t say I am a good person, Ruth.”

“You are Andrew, I knew it the moment I first saw you… When you kneeled to AI in that hall on the first day… I knew everything I could ever need to know about you.”

I said nothing, I wasn’t comfortable praising myself.

“Then today, you came and sat next to me, a nobody. You praised me and you said what I do mattered. You listened to my worries and you went out of your way to help fix my problem… You are absolutely a good person, Andrew.”

“Thank you Ruth… I try my hardest.” I said looking at the counter.

Ruth smiled as she resumed eating her food, pancakes covered in custard and sprinkled with slices of banana. Before I could comment on her food, a plate of steak and salad appeared in front of me.

I started sliding the plate to Michael, just to see he had his own plate, with a massive potato added on his. I looked up at Heartly, confused.

“Family orders, don’t look at me…” Heartly put his hands in the air. I looked at Michael, he had a big smile on his face.

“I said today we start your training. When you train, you need protein. It’s time you ate to build muscle, Andrew.”

“I can’t eat all of this!” I looked at the massive steak... It was intimidating.

“All I want you to do is try… For me please?” His face was sincere.

“Ok… Ok. I need a knife and fork for this.” Michael pointed at the knives and forks on the counter.

I cut a small piece off the steak, struggling with its toughness. I wondered how my mouth and body would handle such dense food. Tentatively, I put the steak in my mouth and began to chew. It was indeed tough, but I persevered, slowly breaking it down and swallowing. Suddenly, I froze in place.

“Oh my God!” I found myself saying out loud. Everyone stopped and looked at me with worried faces.

“This is so delicious… How does this taste so damn good?!” I stared at it. The flavour was so hearty and my mouth adored the ability to chew properly.

Michael laughed out loud, “It’s steak buddy, of course it’s…” He stopped himself as his face went incredibly sad and he looked at me for a moment.

He asked slowly, “Andrew… Have you ever eaten steak before?”

“No…” I said as I started cutting another piece of steak.

Michael’s face turned serious, “What exactly have you eaten?” I noticed others also stopped eating as they realised something concerning.

“Um… I had bread and… The restaurants gave me leftover chips. I also had that amazing soup that Heartly makes.” I put another piece of meat in my mouth as I enjoyed the flavour of it… So good.

“Is that it… Ever? Have you not eaten any other foods in your life?” He almost sounded panicked.

I looked at him and quickly swallowed, “Um… The sandwiches had ham sometimes and other times they had cheese… Also there's that awful liquid shit they made me eat in the hospital and for months afterwards... Fuck that horrible goop.”

Ashley looked over, “Andrew… Is that really it?”

I found myself getting frustrated, “What do you people want me to say, that’s all ok, it’s just food alright, it’s just a thing you have to have to survive, stop making a big deal about it!” I felt like there was something I didn’t know and everyone was mocking me about that.

Michael averted his gaze, his expression filled with profound sadness. I didn’t understand why he was so sad. What was the problem?

I gently put my hand on his shoulder, “What’s wrong, what did I say wrong?”

He shook his head, “Nothing, Andrew… I just realised how little you’ve been given in your life. It’s dawning on me how privileged my life has been and how cruel yours was.”

I looked back at the plate, “It’s just food, I don’t know why you’re so emotional about it”

Everyone dropped their food onto their plate when I said that.

“What?!” Ruth spat out.

“No!” Heartly shouted.

“What stupid nonsense…” Ashley muttered.

Heartly looked offended, “Andrew, I respect your life has been cruel and unforgiving… But food is the cornerstone of life itself! Food is the centre of culture, it’s the largest pastime and the highest form of pleasure!”

I slowly shrugged, “Well I managed just fine without most of it…” I put another delicious piece of meat in my mouth.

Heartly looked absolutely heartbroken, “The fact that you are enjoying that steak as much as you are, means you love food as much as anyone… You just never got any of it.”

I looked at Heartly and then Michael, “Can you guys do me a favour please? Can you smile for me?”

Everyone smiled when I said it. There was no need for that sadness. The past was the past, and now things were better. I had far worse things to regret than not eating steak.

Michael put his hand on my shoulder, “I will show you a world of culinary delights, Andrew. When I'm done with you, you’ll know why we care about food so much.”

I looked at him, “Culinary, what does that word mean?”

“Culinary? It’s the main word used when talking about cooking.” His face became a little more concerned again.

He looked at me for a while, deep in thought. It looked as though he wanted to ask me something.

“Go on… Ask.” I said.

“... How far did you get… Educationally?” He asked very carefully and very respectfully.

“I was taught to read and write by the foster homes… But that’s all, the rest I learned by talking to people and reading things on my phone.”

I heard multiple knives and forks fall on plates. Not again, now what was the problem?

My voice was raised, “What now, huh? What did I say wrong this time?!” I was getting genuinely frustrated by all these judgemental reactions.

Heartly spoke quietly, “Son… Did they not send you to school?”

“No.” I simply looked at Heartly.

Multiple people looked away from me in what seemed like disappointment and/or sadness. So what if I never went to school? What was the big deal? Nobody noticed or cared before, so why should they have cared now?

AI spoke to everyone at once, “Andrew was stateless. He did not have an address, carers or legal identity. They could not enrol him in education even if they wanted to. Before any of you start to judge Andrew's mental capacity, I will here and now testify of his intellect. He has demonstrated impressive cognitive and problem-solving capabilities. Do not be rude to him, or I will take offence.”

Everyone went very quiet. I don’t know if AI needed to do that, but their silence perhaps indicated they were considering going further on this.

I stared at the table as I felt disappointed in myself, “I’m sorry again. I’m sorry that I was born into a different life than the rest of you. I can’t change the opportunities that have been given to me. I can’t have what I was never given. I hope the things you have learned about me, doesn’t change how you see me. I have tried my hardest to educate myself whenever I can… Just give me time and patience, and I will learn whatever you want me to know… I promise.”

Michael hugged me tightly, “You’re my hero Andrew. This changes absolutely nothing in my eyes. I just needed to know more about you, I'm sorry to have made you feel uncomfortable.”

AI looked at me with her gorgeous smile, “I know your mind, Andrew. I could list over a hundred times that you impressed me with your ability to think. If there is anything you want to learn, I will forever be available to teach you. I am always with you, you know this. Simply ask and the knowledge will be yours.”

I reached over to the tablet on the counter and I lightly ran the back of my fingers over the image of her avatar and AI cutely reacted.

I whispered, “Thank you. You’ve given me so much AI. Nobody here knows just how much you’ve done for me… You’ll always be my closest friend, my most loyal ally.”

Ruth spoke, “I have to admit… It’s very interesting to see… How much AI talks to you, Andrew…”

I nodded, “I know, I keep hearing this from other people. For nine months, AI has been next to me. AI knows everything about me… Except the things she couldn’t possibly know of course, which I fully intend to tell AI about my past, so that she will continue to know everything about me. She knows me top to bottom, side to side… And I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

AI smiled, “Warts and all. A finer man, I will never know.”

*

I finished eating the last portion of the large steak on the plate. Heartley and Michael were looking at me with deep concentration as they tried to measure my response to such a different food type. I looked down at the plate, trying to measure my own response. My stomach was making audible noises as I felt intense movement and work being done. After a few moments, I looked up at Heartly.

“... May I… May I please have some more?”

Heartly beamed a glorious smile as he nodded. He reached into the small fridge under the counter and pulled out another large steak. On the pan it went, the smell was divine!

Michael was also smiling, “I know you enjoyed the taste… I didn’t expect you would ask for more though.”

I scratched my head, “All I can tell you… Is that my body wants more?”

“Andrew, if you eat too much, how are you supposed to train?” Michael looked concerned.

I thought intensely about that. The feeling of my stomach working intensely to digest, made me think I shouldn’t exercise. I felt as though… like I needed to focus on eating right at that stage.

“Michael… I have so many things I need to talk about. Today was the most important day of my entire life… Let’s not train today, please. I promise that tomorrow I will, but for now I’m satisfied with eating this new food today.”

He looked at me for a moment before he smiled, “Alright Andrew… Alright.”

Ashley looked down the counter at me, “You now have all the time you could ever ask for. I always felt like you were afraid something would stop you, at any time. Now I know why you acted like that, but Andrew… Take your time. The gym is going nowhere.”

Heartly dished up the second steak and I immediately attacked it. It was just as delicious as the first. The flavour of the meat soaked my mouth, the seasoning adding so much more on top. I was half way through it, when I felt a soft hand on my shoulder. I looked behind me to see Aisling and Nadia.

Nadia had a neutral expression, “Andrew, may we please visit you after today's meeting? We feel there are many things to talk about after today and we would appreciate the opportunity to talk with you more.”

“You are always welcome to visit me, at any time, everyone is. I have to warn you though, it’s going to be emotional. Oliver will likely have a battery of therapy questions and it will be intense. If you are willing to be a part of that, I would love for you to visit me.”

Aisling looked slightly worried, “Oh, I remember the last time. I will prepare myself then, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to visit.”

The two started to walk away, when I remembered something else, “Could Bellatrix come too?”

Aisling turned around and smiled, “Whenever we leave this building, Bellatrix is with us. She will be there, but I cannot promise she will show herself or engage in any conversation. Her dedication to protecting us is her greatest priority.”

“I understand… Let’s hope she appears then.” I turned back to continue eating the last of the steak and I finished it, just as I felt entirely full. I looked at AI as a question appeared in my mind.

“Why give a two hour break AI?”

AI smiled, “Andrew, this organisation has learned that they owe you everything for its success. Today, we managed to put the entire puzzle together and see the whole picture. Your past is what drove you to sacrifice yourself for us, it is why you believe so entirely in its dream. People need time to look at the entire puzzle. They need to make peace with it all and respect the entire chain of events.”

AI was right, my past was extremely relevant to the present. I suppose it’s fair to give people a little time to think about it, whereas for me, it was constantly in my thoughts, I couldn’t forget it. How could anyone think of their present and future, without always having their past in the back of their mind?

“AI, I worry how people see me now. I worry that people now see me differently. Perhaps they respect me less, due to my past poverty… I was weak my whole life, and all I did was suffer, before finally contributing in any meaningful way. I wonder how many people think less of me.”

AI’s face changed quickly into a worried face, “I can not speak for anyone other than myself, Andrew. However, from my perspective, your past is entirely understandable. There was nothing you could do to improve your condition. You were a victim of your environment and your birth.”

I shook my head, “I wish I could have done something more… Maybe if I ran away sooner, things would have been better…”

AI smiled, “Andrew, you can’t run away from your past.”

“I don’t want to run from it, AI… I want to bury it.”

She comforted me, “Someone will simply dig it up. What is done is done. What matters is now, and now I see a brilliant man, with a gloriously bright future, who is always trying to make the correct decisions and is always caring for others. No matter how bad your past was, your present is excellent.”

Everyone nodded fervently in a strong atmosphere of agreement. I didn’t think much about their agreement. I had always assumed people would think less of me, rather than more. My past had always been people behaving less kindly… And until I met the Roses, I had never experienced people doing more.

I waited, just in case anybody wanted to talk to me. The break finally came to an end and I looked down the counter.

“Ashley, will you please visit me later?”

She smiled at me, “Thank God, I thought you weren’t going to ask!”

I looked at Ruth, “Do you wa-”

“Nope.” she instantly responded. “Sorry Andrew… It would be just… Too much for me.”

I nodded, “Ok, fair enough.”

The mass exodus happened as hundreds of black uniforms left the giant cafe hall.

Oliver stopped next to me, “Tonight’s therapy will be intense… Get ready.”

“I know mate. Now that I can talk about everything… It’s about time I got these things off my chest.”

Oliver put his hand on my shoulder and rubbed it. He smiled at me and then turned around and walked out. I turned to Heartly.

“Thank you so much for your willingness to change my meal plan, sir. Tonight will tell how my body handles the tough meat, but I can definitely tell you… It was delicious!”

He bowed, “We can’t have you eating soup forever son… It was my pleasure. As always, I eagerly look forward to your next visit.”

I slowly stood up as my pain began to build. I would wait until I was home before I took the pain pills, in case it made me sleepy too early. Michael stood up as well. He looked at me for a moment or two, with a face I didn’t think I had ever seen him show me… It was warm and kind.

He spoke carefully, “It’s dawning on me that we are family now…”

“Having regrets?” I started to worry if he might change his mind.

“No, I was actually starting to think how happy it makes me, to be able to be here for you like this. It feels… Right.”

I looked at him for a few moments. If I could have smiled, I would have smiled then. Instead I leaned my head on his chest. I felt so safe with him, like I could trust him with anything. He was my guardian, my friend… Family.

Heartly starting looking around as he coughed, “Damnit, who the hell is cutting onions? It’s making me cry like a baby!”

Michael laughed and I nodded at Heartly. We said farewell and left the hall. The drive home was uneventful, with the exception that then I felt I was leaving one home to go to another. Perhaps before, the HQ was just a building to me, but now it felt like a sentimental place to me. I wanted to go back tomorrow and the day after. I wanted to be there and see the coming and going of members and agents. I finally felt like I belonged there.

*

We both entered the apartment and Michael tossed the car keys onto the table by the door. I went to the living room to sit down, but before that, I went to the nasty yellow capsule for the painkillers. I took two and then sat down on the sofa.

Michael sat opposite me, so that he could face me.

“I want to talk with you, one on one, before we talk about other things tonight. I feel we need to talk about this adoption, Andrew.”

“I agree… I have so much to say, I don’t know where to begin.”

“That’s fine, I'll start. Andrew, I know we did this very quickly, under the threat of you being taken away from us. It turns out he never wanted to take you away, but we still did what we needed to. What I want to start with, is that even though it was sudden… I take this adoption completely seriously. I really do want to consider you as family, not out of duty nor as a knee-jerk reaction… But because I feel close to you. As I researched you, I found myself admiring you, empathising with you and feeling a closeness.”

I nodded, “Michael, the truth is that… I take this adoption deadly seriously. This is more than a get out of jail card for me. This is giving me a place in this world, where I feel like a person, a person that matters for once. When you adopted me, for the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged. I need you to know… This is important to me, ok?”

“Ok, good. Then we both take this seriously, that’s a relief. No matter how fast it happened, we both meant it. Also, I know how important it is for you. You’re going to have to sit down with me, and tell me all about your youth, Andrew. From what Bellatrix said, it was horrific… I still need to know it though. Your hardships… They are now also mine. You can trust me with the details of your past, I promise that I will hear it all with genuine interest and concern.”

I found a strange warmth within me, for I could tell his honesty and openness was wholeheartedly genuine. I tried to make it clear just how much this meant to me and I knew then, that he truly understood this.

“Michael… AI… I will tell you about my growing up, that’s a promise… But not now, ok? It’s so much for me to think of, so full of… Unfairness and fear. It was so dark and hopeless… Let me enjoy being happy now, for just a little longer. I promise I will tell you, just not now…”

AI appeared on the TV and she bowed immediately, “Whenever you are ready my friend, I will listen with great interest.”

Michael nodded, “There’s no rush, when you’re ready and comfortable.”

I looked into Michael's eyes, he was clearly thinking hard about what he needed to say.

“Andrew, if you want to move into my place, or if you want me to move here, then just say so.”

I shook my head, “No, there’s no need for that at all, I am happy here. Unless… You want me to move into your place?”

“No, if you’re happy, then I am happy. I was just covering this, in case this was something you cared about, Andrew.”

“Ok… Ok phew. Good…” I said as I breathed out.

“Andrew, relax. I get the feeling you’re trying very hard here.”

“... Michael, I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had a family… I don’t know what I need to say or do, what my responsibilities are.” I felt frustrated.

He smiled at me, “Andrew, relax my man. It’s ok, you don’t need to do anything. Family means being there for each other. It's honesty and acceptance. It means… We can take our time and navigate this… Together.”

“That sounds really good to me, I’ll do my best… Just don’t leave me.”

“We’re family. There’s no greater way I can possibly promise you that I will never leave you.”

I wiped the tears off my face as I nodded and looked away. I still felt that fear, deep down inside… That he could abandon me.

“I need to find a way… To accept this. I need to make peace, to let you in… But it’s so hard, Michael. After being moved again and again, abandoned again and again… How can I trust anyone anymore?”

AI spoke gently, “You need time. Day after day, we will remain here. In time, you will realise our loyalty. We need to prove ourselves to you, and prove ourselves we shall.”

Michael nodded, “We’re going nowhere, I will always be at your side, for as long as I breathe.”

I looked away at the window as a thousand feelings of doubt washed over me. I focused on their words and the doubt started to fade. It never completely left, but most of it was gone.

“Ok. Well if there is anything I can or must do, to keep my value in this family, let me know.”

Michael laughed out loud, “You sound like me in the military when I was kissing ass for promotion. You don’t need to do anything different at all. We’re just talking, like families do.”

“Sorry.” I looked back at him.

Michael looked at me for a few moments, “What do you want to talk about, while we are here together?”

I thought about it for a moment, “If you want my money, I will give you all of it.”

Michael bounced in a surprised reaction, “What, no! I hope you don’t think I did this for money, Andrew!”

“What, no! I just thought, families share things right? Shouldn’t I share my money with you? Crap, I said something wrong, shit I'm sorry…”

I buried my face into my hands as I shook my head. I had already fucked it up!

His tone went gentle, “Ok, it’s alright. I can tell I misunderstood that, that’s my mistake. Sorry, you’re right, families do share things. It’s honestly humbling that you offered it ALL to me, but there’s really no need for that, I make enough money, Andrew.”

“Ok, alright… Sorry.”

“Would you really give me all 88 billion though? Wouldn’t that go against your wishes for the Roses to still be able to use it?”

“Um… I do want them to have it… But you're now my family, and I just thought you were more important? I dunno.”

“Hmm, just because we are family, doesn’t mean I am more important than what you care the most for. I would never ever get between you and the Roses, even though I am a part of them. As a family, I respect you and your own priorities. If you really did try to offer me all the money, Andrew… I would refuse it.”

“Oh… Ok. Well, if you ever need some money, for whatever reason, don’t hesitate to ask, ok?”

“Cheers mate.” He gave me a thumbs up with a big smile.

I looked down as I thought of anything else to talk about.

“Are there things you want me to know about you, Michael? Your time in the military, your childhood?”

“My childhood was middle income, same as Aisling, Nadia and Ashley. I went to school, got bullied, grew big and bullied the bullies. I finished school and joined the army. The army was strict but fair, until I left it. Turns out, we don’t get any pension unless we serve over 15 years. That doesn’t bother me now that I am with the Roses and since I made lifelong friends in the military, with Will and James.”

“James… Where is he?” I couldn’t help myself but ask it out loud.

AI answered, “James is currently working for the Roses in a member position. He’s in Scotland, helping to build our wind turbines.”

“Oh… So he’s alright then? I know why he left… I wish I could tell him that he can come back now, as an agent. He doesn’t need to keep the secret anymore…”

AI smiled, “Don’t worry, he’s actually very happy in his current position. I have told him that he may resume his position as an agent, should he so choose. He currently gets satisfaction from being a part of giving this country energy… He’s happy.”

I lay back on the sofa to relax as I tried to think of something else that might be personal enough to ask now, while I had the chance. Michael looked at me, sadness in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry that I pushed you so hard to reveal your past. If I had known-”

“No, stop. You didn’t know. I am not angry with you over that Michael, not at all.”

“I still should have realised, you always have a good reason for being silent. I won’t ever second guess that part of you, that’s a promise.”

“Really, it’s fine…”

He shook his head, “No, it’s actually not. I think about what I said. I actually asked you, why the hell do you have such a fear of being abandoned… What the fuck was I thinking? Could I possibly have been any more disrespectful?!”

“Man… Water under the bridge. I totally understood why you asked that. I can’t expect you to assume something as rare as me being stateless… Nobody could guess that, and I knew that. You also asked because you cared, not because you wanted to mock me. Don’t beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong.”

“How are you always so understanding of people? You blow me away with your ability to put yourself in others' shoes and forgive them, no matter what they do…”

AI spoke, “I have to agree. Andrew, you are remarkably open minded and level headed. Especially for a person in your position, a position of extreme pain and abandonment.”

I found myself shouting, “Because I don’t want to make others suffer like I did!”

Both AI and Michael went quiet. AI nodded, for she immediately understood. Michael looked at me with sad eyes. I waited a moment before I continued.

“I was treated horribly. I know how easily people can hate things and people that are different. I know how much easier it is it is to not think, than to try to understand others… That’s why I try so hard, to be better than them! I have to be better, or else I will justify everything they did to me!”

I found myself squeezing my fists tightly as the anger of years of abuse, neglect and disrespect washed over me. My fists were shaking with my rage. Michael quickly stood up and came to hug me. I banged my fists against his sides, as I couldn’t prevent my anger from flowing.

It never hurt him, he was too big and too strong… I knew he understood. After a few moments I broke down into tears.

“Damn them for hurting me when I was just a child! DAMN them for kicking me in the streets, just because they saw me! DAMN THEM ALL TO HELL FOR MAKING ME HATE MYSELF! I DID NOTHING WRONG, WHY DID THEY HATE ME?!” I ended up yelling.

Michael was crying too as tightly hugged me. He didn’t say anything, not that there was anything he could have said. It was unfair beyond belief. He didn’t do it, he would never have done it and he couldn't understand how others had.

“Andrew, I am so sorry. What happened to you… It’s unfathomable. You truly did nothing wrong and I’m so sorry that you had to live through that…”

I buried my head in his hug, “Why… Why is it that I have to suffer so hard all the time? Haven’t I suffered enough already? I was punished for being born, I suffered and nearly died to help the angels… Why can’t I just have peace?”

“You have it now, Andrew, all of it. You’re rich, you’re safe, you're respected and you’re not alone. You have family and friends… It’s over now… God knows, if this was a test, you’ve passed with flying colours.”

“I still feel so much pain! I can’t shake this loneliness and fear! I’m always waiting for things to fall apart around me… I don’t FEEL at peace!”

“Your pain will pass, I promise you this. Your loneliness will disappear as you learn to trust me and everyone else. You’ve never had stability in your life, so of course you’re predicting chaos to ruin you… I promise you, these things will pass.”

“It’s so hard… I try my hardest every day, but it never gets easier. The pain never leaves me, the nightmares always haunt me… I don’t know how much longer I can hold this weight.”

“It’s a miracle you’ve stayed sane this long even and that’s why you’re my hero. I know just how much you suffer, just how bad your pain goes. All I can tell you, is that I’m here, we’re all here and things WILL get better… I swear to God that’s a promise, Andrew.”

I heard AI from the TV, “I have sworn my loyalty to you, Andrew. I promised you that I would never leave you, and I never shall. No matter what you need, I will make it happen. No matter where you need to go, I will take you there. If there is a single thing I can help you carry, to lighten your burden, I will do it in an instant. You are not alone.”

“Thank you… Both of you. I’m sorry I lost control, the anger came over me… I.. I’m so sorry.”

Michael finally let go of me, his hands on my shoulders massaging them. “Don’t apologise… You’re allowed to buckle. You’re still human after all. In fact, I want you to do this more. I want you to shout and scream… I want you to cry. Let it out, Andrew, you’re not alone anymore, it’s time you unbottled these feelings. I’m strong enough, hit me all you like.”

I wiped the tears away, but they just kept streaming down. I shook my head as I looked at the floor. Even though I still felt strung out, I really did feel lighter then. Saying those things felt like I was letting go of the emotions tied to them.

“I actually feel better… How crazy is that?” I wiping away more tears.

Michael smiled at me, “That’s not crazy, Andrew. Keeping it in… That was crazy.”

*

Michael and I played chess as the Inner Roses stream played on the tv. We only said a few words as we waited for the meeting to end and the others to come visit. When the stream ended, we still had about forty minutes before everyone got here. AI appeared on the tv.

“Andrew, do you understand why we want you to eat foods that are more dense with protein?” Her avatar swung around a raw beef steak with her left hand.

“Kind of… It helps build muscle, right?”

“Yes. In most cases, this is a dietary plan for increasing muscle. In your case, we are merely restoring them.”

I tilted my head in confusion, “Restoring… I don’t understand?”

“Andrew, you are still classified as severely underweight. Your total body weight is concerningly low. You certainly do not have sufficient fat to power your body, so it is probable that you are consuming your own muscles to fuel your body.”

I panicked, “I’m killing myself?!”

She shook her head, “No, your body is ensuring you survive. Surviving in the very real sense though. You lack energy constantly, you struggle to walk and carry yourself… All because your body does not have enough protein to allocate for those muscle tasks.”

I found myself very worried hearing that. I had never put any thought into how my body was managing itself…

“So… If I eat more, then I build the muscle I need?”

“Yes, however in the beginning, you will only build a minimum amount of muscle. Enough to hold your own weight and nothing more.”

I felt impatient, “Oh come on, this is hard! So how do I get MORE muscle than that?”

Michael looked up at me, “You do exercise that puts strain on your muscles, that tells your body to produce extra muscles for the extra work.”

“Oh… That’s why you are so eager for me to start training… I see now.”

He nodded, “Exactly. The sooner we get you moving, the sooner your body will begin the process of repairing and strengthening itself.”

I saw AI on the TV, she was doing a comical animation of lifting an insanely massive weight.

“I don’t care about being strong though…” I said looking at my thin arms.

AI looked up at me, seemingly giving up on lifting the weight, “We are first trying to get your core muscles to a normal state. We need you to simply stand and not get tired, walk and not run out of breath. Gain will come later my friend.”

“Do I really have that little muscle?”

Michael stared at the table as he spoke, “When I pulled your body out of the car, after your panic attack… You are just shockingly light, Andrew. I cannot understate how concerningly light you are.”

“Ok… I trust you. If you say it so seriously, then I promise I will take this very seriously.”

Michael smiled at me. AI gave me a thumbs up as she started kicking the giant weight she couldn’t seem to lift.

I heard the front door open and many footsteps walk down the passageway. It was time, time for the hardest therapy session ever.

*

Ashley walked in first, she did her quick wave as she moved to the window. She stopped though, as she walked past the TV.

“Is there a reason why AI is… Abusing a weight twice her size?” Ashley’s face was puzzled.

AI looked at her as though she had been caught doing something embarrassing, “No… No reason.”

Michael laughed out loud. It was good to see AI use humour like that. I wanted people to see AI as a person, fully capable of laughing and feeling things. It was small acts like that that gave people a more comfortable feeling with AI.

Aisling and Nadia came in next and I waved them to the sofa opposite to me. They immediately took off their eye monitors for me. Oliver walked in and looked at me, emotionlessly. He didn’t take a seat on any of the sofas, instead he chose to stand behind Aisling and Nadia, leaning on their sofa.

Bellatrix entered afterwards. She was in full combat gear, she had a large kevlar vest front and back, a shotgun hanging from her back, a pistol at her left waist and seemingly pouches for what looked like… Grenades?!

“Good lord Bellatrix… What’s that all about!?” I found myself asking out loud.

Bella looked at me with her head tilted to the side, “What?”

“You’re armed to the teeth! I only wanted to talk with you…”

“Oh. Well, this is usual equipment for when the angels move out of HQ… Is this a problem?”

“I mean… It’s a bit intimidating…” I said as I looked at the shotgun behind her.

“Well get over it mate. We take the angels' safety extremely seriously. These guns aren’t aimed at you… That’s all I can do to ease your worry Aaron.”

I immediately shot back at her, “Please don’t call me that, or I will call you by your real name…”

Bella stared at me, a hint of sadness was on her face, “That’s your name though. Why don’t you want people using your name?”

“I swore when I ran away, I would leave it all behind. It’s not even my name, it was given by the first people who found me, which means nothing since they got rid of me after just a month…”

“Aaron is a great name though?” She argued.

I shouted back at her, “Aaron is the name of a NOBODY, who got beaten and spat-”, I stopped myself forcibly. I needed to get control of my anger as I swore to myself I wouldn’t let myself fall into a rage again.

Bella stopped herself there as she nodded in understanding. The others looked at me with deep concern on their faces.

“Sorry… I… Sorry.” I put up my hands to show I was surrendering my anger.

Oliver nodded, “This is exactly what therapy is about, Andrew. I don’t want you avoiding these emotions. Let it out, nobody will think less of you.”

Michael lightly nudged me, “We mean this… Now you can truly stop hiding. So get it out.”

I looked at Michael and then Oliver. I understood their view of it, but I still worried I might go too far.

I looked at my hands, clenched into fists, “These feelings… They’re intense. I buried them long ago… I… What if I lose control? What if I say something… And one of you takes offence, or gets hurt by what I say?... I have everything to lose, if I lose control…”

Oliver stood up and looked around at all present, “I am asking you all, to dissociate your feelings about what Andrew says here. If you can’t do this… Please leave now.”

I looked up quickly, “No, they’re my friends! I want to talk to them, it’s ok, we will just talk about things that won’t bring out my anger, it’s ok!” I was terrified people would leave.

Oliver looked at me, “That won’t do Andrew! This needs to be raw and honest. I need you to not hold back. I also need people here to support you and if they can’t they have to go.”

I shook my head, “No… Don’t leave me…” I pleaded.

Oliver suddenly realised my perspective, “If they leave now, they aren’t abandoning you, Andrew… But people need to have a choice, and if they know they aren’t prepared to see you express these feelings… They’ll do more harm than good.”

I looked around at everyone, feeling slightly panicked. I deeply hoped nobody was going to walk out. Only one person did, Bellatrix.

“Sorry Andrew. Not today, I can’t afford to drop my guard in a moment of emotional weakness. I need to do my job, it’s more important to me than your feelings. Nothing personal…”

I looked at her as I nodded, “Ok Bella… Please, I do want a chance to catch up with you, if not now… Maybe later?”

She smiled at me, “Of course Aa- Andrew… I’ll make time, I promise. Goodbye for now.”

She gave a wave and walked out, the sound of her kevlar and weapons scratching and clunking with every step she took. I looked at the ground nodding as I understood why she wasn’t willing to be a part of this. I still would have liked her to be here… Oh well.

Oliver looked around, “Any other takers? Now’s the time, for you won’t be able to leave in the middle…”

Nobody moved. I could see on their faces, they were determined. They wanted the real me to come out and their faces showed courage.

“Right. Then, let’s begin what may turn out to be our hardest session yet. This is going to be a lengthy and difficult conversation…”

I looked at him annoyed, “... That’s very wordy, you know?”

“What would you have said?”

“I would have said, prepare yourself, this is gonna be long and hard.”

Everyone laughed out loud. I jumped in surprise, not expecting so much laughter! I waited till everyone was settled down.

“... Why are you laughing?” I looked around at everyone.

Michael did a double take, “What do you mean…? Andrew, what’s the first thing that comes to mind, when you think long and hard?”

“Um… A railway track?” I answered.

Everyone tilted their heads sideways.

Oliver stared at me, “If I said it was a sexual innuendo… Would that mean anything to you?”

“No, dunno what innu… Whatever, means.”

AI spoke, “It means to imply, or to say something, without actually saying it.”

“So… What is it implying sexually?” I looked at AI on the TV.

Even AI was shaking her head. Oliver looked at me, deep in thought. I looked at Michael and he was also deep in thought. I think they both were thinking the same thing. The two looked at each other and gave a look. I had the feeling, I was about to talk about something unexpected.

Oliver turned to me, “Andrew… May I ask… Is everything working properly… Down there?”

“Down where?”

“You know… There…”

I just stared at him shaking my head to indicate I have no idea what he was talking about.

Ashley seemed to have lost her patience. She walked from the window up to me, crouched and looked me in the eye.

“Andrew, your cock. We want to know if your sex drive is working.” She said in a matter of fact way.

I instantly responded, “Oh. No, not at all.”

Oliver looked uncomfortable, “Ok, Andrew, is this because Ronald did something there during the torture? Or is this something else?”

I took a second to think about it, “No, he didn’t touch that part at all… I dunno.”

“When was the last time… Your little buddy stood at attention?”

“Um, definitely not since the torture, I can’t really remember any further back than then…”

Everyone looked deeply sad as they looked away, deep in their thoughts. They all seemed so uncomfortable. I personally didn’t feel uncomfortable talking about this at all, strangely.

I finally whispered, “It’s because I'm depressed.”

They all looked at me, their faces remained sad as they nodded in understanding.

Oliver looked back at me, “Ok, well… I will just assume it CAN work, but just not in your current psychological state… Moving on.”

I nodded in agreement, “Sorry to make everyone uncomfortable, I… Just didn’t get the joke.”

Aisling smiled, “No problem honey, no problem at all.”

Ashley was still crouched and looking at me, “Are you a virgin?”

“Um… Yeah.”

She smiled her wicked smile at me, “Well… When you’re ready and able, I know I'll be first in line.” She stood up and walked to the window.

Everyone made a sudden explosive noise in reaction.

“Woah?!”

“Jesus”

“You dirty little…”

“Really Ashley?”

She just shrugged and looked out the window. I could appreciate her honesty. She is so damn easy to talk to, even in awkward topics.

I looked at her sceptically, “I have no idea how you could say or feel that. Honest to God, I hate even looking in a mirror… I’m a nightmare.”

Ashley turned and looked me over top to bottom, “Yeah, you look like fucking shit at the moment… But there’s more to a man than his body… Your character, your strength… One day you will be healthy and fit… And I will eat you up Andrew.”

Everyone made a “tsk” noise. I didn’t really know what she had said that bothered everyone. Personally though, it did nothing for me. It was clear my sex drive was completely dead. Having her say that to me… I got nothing from it.

“Yeah, I got nothing from that, I'm afraid. Thank you for the compliment though?”

She shook her head, “What a shame…”

Oliver raised his voice, “Anyway!... Time to ask a question, I am sure everyone here would really like another question, RIGHT NOW.”

I looked around, “Right, there’s a lot of discomfort happening right now, someone ask me something.”

Everyone looked around at each other. It seems everyone had a question, they just didn’t know if they were waiting for someone else to ask theirs first.

Oliver leaned on the sofa again, as he looked at me.

“Do you feel this changes things, having people know your past?”

“Of course it does Oliver! How could it not?”

“I don’t know Andrew… I still see you the same now…”

“That’s because you’ve known it for months! You didn’t have anyone to even tell it to, because you had to keep the promise you made me. It’s better to ask the other people in this room, if it changes things.”

Oliver gestured to michael.

Michael thought about it for a second, “I somehow respect you even more than I already did.”

Oliver gestured to Ashley.

Ashley seemed sad, “I see you differently, I won’t lie. I honestly wonder why you aren’t raging at everyone and everything. You should be furious… Yet you went and saved the angels and nearly died to protect their dream… You are so much more than I can fathom sometimes, Andrew.”

Oliver gestured to Aisling.

Aisling smiled, “You’re exactly as amazing as I always thought you were. You’ve always been a bright source of hope for me… Your sad past changes absolutely nothing for me.”

Oliver gestured at Nadia.

Nadia simply shook her head, “Not at all, Andrew.”

Oliver gestured at AI.

AI instantly spoke, “I can safely say, in your past, your character was precisely the same as now. You simply had a choice this time. My opinion remains unchanged.”

I nodded after AI spoke as I thought about what everyone said. Different views and different goals. It really depended where you were standing, if someone’s starting point mattered or not.

Oliver looked at me, “But I wonder Andrew, how much does your past affect how YOU think about yourself?”

I leaned back into the sofa as I stared at the ceiling for a few moments.

“I hate who I was. I feel like… The excuse that I didn’t have a choice is bullshit. I let people abuse me. I could have run away sooner, I could have fought back… Now I sit here, while people call me a hero… I’m not a hero now, the same as I wasn’t back then. I still don’t fight for myself. I still curl into a ball as people kick me when I'm down.”

Ashley reacted, “Jesus… I doubt anyone could beat you more than you already seem to beat yourself!”

I recoiled from that, because she was right. “Yeah… You’re not wrong.”

AI spoke, “Andrew, the facts tell a different story. If you were as weak as you claim to be… You wouldn’t have tried to recover in the hospital. You wouldn’t have suffered, retraining your body to get off your wheelchair… You wouldn’t have had the courage to enter my hall and kneel before me loyally.”

“That’s because… You all are the first people I've met, who are NOT an enemy. You never attack me… You never rob me, humiliate me or disrespect me.”

Everyone took a breath, for there was too much energy in the air. We all waited for the air to clear for a minute.

Aisling spoke, “Andrew… I can’t fathom how lonely you must have felt… How lonely you still feel… How did you keep going? What drove you to keep living, when everything was so bleak?”

“It was the only reality I knew. When I was beaten, humiliated or abandoned… That’s life right? What could I do? There was nobody to blame, no reason to explain anything. It only feels unjust now, having been on the other side of the fence. Now that I know what respect feels like, I get pissed when I think of the disrespect I got dealt to me.”

Aisling stared at the table, “When Nadia and I started… Terrible things were done to us. There was even a time when I nearly lost all hope… I think about those dark times, and how I managed to cope. It was only because I had Nadia at my side… Andrew, you had nobody.”

“Again Aisling… I never knew any different. When you are always alone, you don’t count on others to save you. You have to entirely depend on yourself, to make sense of it all.”

Ashley spoke, “My mind literally cannot understand how you kept going. You talk about this as if it’s perfectly understandable… It’s not. I know I'm not street smart, I know my life was more privileged… It still seems insane how your life used to be.”

I nodded, “I hope you never have to know how to cope in that situation, Ashley.”

Nobody said anything for a short bit, I finally asked Ashley out of curiosity.

“What was it like living in a home?”

Ashley paused as she thought about it, “It was really good, I can’t complain to be honest.”

“Do you say that only because you’re comparing it to me?”

“What… No… I… Actually yes, I suppose I am.”

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“Exactly. Now you understand why it’s difficult for me to explain my youth… It just was.”

She nodded, for what more could one say about this? I looked at Michael as I recalled he seemed to want to ask a question. He thought for a minute.

“This isn’t so much a question for you, Andrew. AI… How did you manage to arrange the adoption so damn quickly?”

AI’s response was quick and simple, “Money.”

Everyone froze.

I looked at AI, “Do you mean… Bribery?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t believe you… You just admit it like it’s nothing!” I exclaimed.

“Andrew, this is the nature of politics. The government does it, criminal organisations do it and companies do it… Of course the Roses do it. Money talks. If we never did it, we would have never succeeded.”

“What about honour?”

She shook her head, “Andrew, you need to ask why, not what. We throw money around, to help people. We do what we have to, to make life better. If that means using money to accomplish that goal, so be it.”

I looked at Nadia and Aisling, “Is this true?”

They both nodded with smiles.

Aisling finally spoke, “Andrew, we are in the world, but not of it. We have to play the game, to win. What matters is our intention. We don’t manipulate things for our own gain, we use money to navigate the broken system known as the UK government.”

I shook my head in disappointment as I looked at the others. I was shocked to see everyone else seemed perfectly fine about this.

“I always thought the Roses were above this behaviour.” I said judgmentally.

AI smiled at me, “Andrew, we are still the good guys. If we didn’t use our money, we would never have gotten people jobs, we wouldn’t have been able to fight back against all our opponents. If you think we are using our money unethically, perhaps I should show you what other corporations do to succeed…”

Nadia shook her head, “No, we are straying now. Andrew… It’s up to you on how you choose to perceive this reality. We cannot change the system, it is what it is.”

AI looked at me, “On that topic Andrew… I am aware that this is poor timing, but this is the first time I will need your approval on us spending your money.”

“Oh… How much did my adoption cost?”

AI instantly answered, “£120,000”

I jumped up in the seat as I felt like I had just been slapped across the face. 120 thousand… So much money.

“What the ever living fuck?!” I found myself exclaiming out loud.

Everyone laughed. This time, not at my expense. Some things are so shocking… You just have to laugh about it.

AI looked at me concerned, “Andrew, your language please…”

I stared at her, “You could buy a house with that much money!”

“Yes Andrew, but instead… I bought you a family and legally made you a person.”

I looked at the floor, “Yeah… Good point, thank you so much AI. I approve of that money usage.”

AI smiled at me, “You’re welcome. Please, Andrew, let there be no misunderstandings. We will continue to use our money in this manner. It’s how the world works, please try to understand this.”

“Yeah… Ok, better I just stop thinking about it then.”

Oliver asked the next question as the others thought about anything else they wanted to talk about.

“Why did you not want people knowing about your past?”

I looked at him incredulously, “Is it not obvious?”

“Not really.”

“Oh hey guys, by the way, I was a worthless nobody that got beaten and pissed on by everyone… Oh and I’m uneducated, homeless and lonely as fuck.”

Aisling looked away in shock and Michael shook his head in strong disagreement. Oliver’s face was sad as he kept looking at me. Ashley though, she was furious.

She shouted at me, “Enough of that! I swear to God I’m so sick of hearing you berate yourself! Andrew, there are always many ways to look at something. You seem obsessed with seeing yourself in the WORST possible light! You have got to get a spine and build self confidence, because you are really pissing me off now!”

I jumped back in my seat in shock. My goodness, she really couldn’t stand it, could she? I never realised it got her so furious!

“I’m sorry Ashley… I didn’t mea-”

She cut me off, “No, don’t apologise! I’m telling you, man the fuck up!”

I sat still as a flood of irritation and shame came over me. I didn’t want to seem whiney… this was simply how I felt. Michael nudged me and looked at me with a smile.

“It’s ok Andrew. She’s right, I know she’s right, we all do… But I also understand how difficult it is, to tell someone in a bad state, to cheer up. I have no doubt, you will stand taller in time. I know you will be bold and certain.”

I closed my eyes as I leaned my head back against the sofa, “I wish I could be as certain as you. I wish I had the vision of me, better than I am now… But I swear to God, I can’t see it…”

“Of course you can’t. I can though. I see it now already. When we train, it will be that version of you, that drives me to push you harder. I know just how incredible you really are… You’re going to blow us all away.”

Ashley had calmed down, “I see it too Michael. By God, he’s gonna make you and I look like a joke, right?”

Michael smiled, “We won’t stand a chance next to him…”

Aisling smiled at me, “Andrew… Will you smile for me please?”

I looked at her feeling a deep sadness. That’s my line… How pathetic is it, that I couldn’t even do what I say?

“I can’t smile or laugh, Aisling… I’m sorry.”

She looked worried, “Is it too painful?”

“No… I just don’t have enough joy to make it happen.”

“Even after today?”

“Yeah… Even after today.”

Michael rubbed my shoulder, “Like I said… Give it some time. Peace comes in time.”

“At least I have time now… Thank God.”

Everyone nodded and smiled. AI waved to indicate that she wanted to talk. She looked at me, emotionlessly.

“Andrew, I now understand why you never wanted me to know about your past. It’s a difficult thing to talk about and it leaves you feeling vulnerable. I just want you to know, from across the world, many have reached out to show support to you.”

I leaned forward, “Really? In what way?”

AI showed a video clip of the House Of Commons playing in the background.

“Dredge was confronted publicly after his appearance on our broadcast. Many people contacted their local MP in complaint about the indecent treatment of the orphans.”

I thought for a moment, “So, in other words, the government was ashamed that they were caught being ignorant?”

AI smiled, “Precisely.”

I found myself getting frustrated, “Why isn’t the government funding the orphanages? How did it end up being corporations paying the bill? What’s going on here?”

AI looked sad, “Because all the budget is going towards our military. It seems likely that we will be invading China and Russia in the coming years.”

I started getting angry, “Really?! We only just got out of a war with the Western US! Why are we constantly picking fights overseas?”

Michael answered, “The same reason why people kicked you for no reason. Our country is asserting dominance…”

I shook my head in frustration, “How are the Roses supposed to change things for the better, when our own country is a war thirsty bully?”

Aisling spoke up, “This is our greatest challenge, Andrew. At some stage… Our own country will become our enemy. We don’t know when, but we do know why…”

Michael mentioned, “All it takes is us to stand in our armies' way once, and things will kick off.”

I looked at Nadia and Aisling feeling panicked, “How have you managed to avoid this conflict so far?”

Nadia looked ashamed, “We sadly… Have to publicly support them.”

I instantly responded, “You’re supporting them!?”

AI raised her voice to me, “Andrew! We have to be very careful with this. One bad move, and we all fall down. We have a plan, it’s controversial… But necessary. All I can tell you is that we are doing our best to find a solution, we just need more time.”

Sometimes it felt like there was no hope… That the situation was so bad, there was simply no escape route. No matter which direction one turned, there were new problems before we had even solved our current ones. It gave me a headache.

Michael smiled at me, “Don’t worry about it though, AI is unfathomably smart. She’s been planning this, every minute of every day. We just need to have trust in her when she needs us all to play our part.”

AI nodded, “I have strong confidence in the plan. However, my focus is on you, Andrew. You need to get stronger, please.”

I looked at AI and nodded, “I’ll do my best.”

*

Nadia shifted herself a bit in her seat. I could see she wanted to say something.

“What’s on your mind Nadia?”

“Andrew… Do you have any other things important to tell us about yourself?”

“Other than my upbringing?... Maybe I should tell you… I dunno.”

AI looked at me for a moment as she tried to guess what I was thinking about.

“Andrew, you should tell the angels. It’s important that they know who you want to be, not just who you used to be.”

I looked at Aisling and Nadia for a moment, “I… I really wish I could have been an agent…”

Aisling smiled, “So that’s why Michael reacted so strongly when I said you would have made a fine agent.”

“Wait, when did you say that?”

“In the meeting when we were told about you for the first time. Michael asked us what we remembered about you, Andrew. I said you were very helpful and that you would have been an excellent first agent, assuming Michael wasn’t first.”

I turned to Michael as I felt deeply saddened. He looked at me, his face was sad as well.

Michael looked away, “I feel guilty about it, to be honest. I was out being the hero, on time you bought for us. Your card you made for me, the picture has Aisling and Nadia under my arms… That should have been you, Andrew.”

“No… It’s fine, I mean… At least they had you…” I found myself crying again.

Oliver leaned forward, “You’re being kind again… I want you to be honest, my friend.”

“You’re damn well right it should have been me!” I sobbed.

Michael hugged me as Nadia and Aisling looked at me sadly.

“I should have been the one who kept you safe in the beginning!”, I shook my head as the tears flowed.

“I should have been the one… Who helped establish this organisation!”

“I should have been me! Instead… Instead you all didn’t even know I was suffering!”

Oliver, Aisling and Nadia looked deeply distressed.

“It should have been me in that photo, hugging each of you two as you smiled with infinite hope!”

I cried out, “LOOK AT ME NOW! IT’S NOT FAIR! THAT WAS MY PATH!”

I sobbed. Nobody said a word as they all looked down at the floor. They wanted this honesty! They wanted to know how I really felt! There it was… And it sucked.

Aisling finally broke the silence, “When I look back on it all, Andrew… You always were our only hero. Michael is excellent, he is smart, strong and charismatic… But he’s not you.”

Michael nodded, “You are better than me in many more ways than I could ever list. I helped a lot for a short bit in the beginning… But you Andrew? You helped them from the very beginning… and forever into the future.”

I argued, “I used everything I had in the torture… I can’t help them even lift a pen up now!”

AI spoke, “You pushed yourself to your absolute limit in terms of pain, all so that you could kneel before me. Even with nothing to give, you gave me a priceless gift. When you shook Aisling out of her depression, you had nothing to give and nothing to gain, yet you still saved her spirit. When you listened to Ruth, you made her feel wanted and then did all you could to give her certainty.”

Aisling smiled, “You did all of this after your torture, Andrew. You show a form of strength, infinitely more meaningful than muscle strength. Your strength of will is your true power. It’s a power that is wise enough not to overwhelm what it is applied to. Considerate enough to fill even the tiniest hole… Honest enough to humble even the proudest of hearts.”

Oliver smiled at me, “I have stood at your side as a loyal friend, since the day I first met you. I saw you bedridden… Yet you still wanted to hope for a better future. I watched you in a wheelchair and you dreamt of running. I saw you walk, the furthest you had in nearly a year… Just so that you could kneel for your friend.”

He stared at the floor for a moment, “You once asked me, if getting better was possible or not… I now know with complete certainty… You will be better. Better than me, better than Michael... You’re going to be the very best.”

I looked at him, “All I can do is my best, I can’t promise anything else. I might not ever lose this pain… I might not be able to do enough exercise to get strong again… I might not ever smile.”

“But I can promise you… I will do my best.”

*

Ashley walked up to me, “Andrew, it’s late my friend. Let’s call it a night, shall we?”

I looked at AI on the TV, on the top left was the time, “Damn, 11:20 already…” I mumbled.

Everyone started standing and stretching. It was an intense session, indeed. I worried people were uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry tonight was so… Distressing. I really am happy that you all chose to stay. I’m grateful to have Michael as family, and to be a friend of the Roses… As always, I look forward to joining you again tomorrow.”

Aisling hugged me, “You’re a blessing to us, Andrew. Don’t ever forget that.”

Nadia hugged me afterwards, “Strength is your destiny, Andrew.”

The two walked out, their bodyguards waiting in the passageway. I caught a glimpse of Bellatrix, I waved to her and she waved back. Then the door shut and Michael wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

“Night bud, sleep as well as you can… Because tomorrow you will hate me.” He laughed as he left the apartment.

Ashley looked at me for a moment.

“I will destroy you… Young man” She flashed her wicked smile.

“Is that a promise?”

She took a step closer and took a deep breath near my neck, “It absolutely is.”

She laughed as she walked out of the living room and left the apartment. Oliver looked at me.

“You lucky guy, getting with her is a dream come true for many, you know”

“I have many dreams mate… Sex is not one of them.”

“Well, when it does become a dream of yours… Try not to make too much noise would you? I got work in the morning.”

He waved over his shoulder as he went to his room, chuckling. I looked at the TV. AI was there, smiling at me.

“This may be the only time in my life, where I see sex the same as how you do, AI. It’s quite… Primitive, isn’t it?”

“Andrew, the nature of my existence means I will never truly understand it. I do not judge it however. It’s a core element of your species existence.”

“You know AI, you handle us monkeys with such grace…”

“You know Andrew, you handle this circuitry with such loyalty…”

I nodded, “Well played AI… Well played.”

“Goodnight, Andrew”, She beamed me a smile.

*

I slept better again that night. This time, I didn’t dream/recall anything at all. It was blackness, then AI woke me up.

“Andrew.” AI said firmly.

“Right… Right, I'm getting up.”

I took the blanket off and slowly started sitting up. I stopped when I was fully sat up… Because it didn't hurt at all. The entire action was… Painless?

“AI… There was no pain sitting up. Like.. At all!” I exclaimed.

AI smiled at me as she gave me two thumbs up, “Excellent. We will need your pain to be as little as possible, to maximise how far you can train today, Andrew.”

I nodded, “This is going to be brutal… But if there’s a chance it works, then I have to take it, AI.”

“Of course. I predict you will battle today. Yet I know you… You are going to give it your all. That’s what makes you incredible my friend… Your relentless determination.”

“Right… I had better get ready.”

I got dressed quickly. I felt no pain still. Even putting on the jeans never felt uncomfortable. I couldn’t believe how much better I felt today.

“I need to tell you… I am STILL not feeling pain, AI.”

AI looked at me sadly, “Maybe… Maybe we shouldn’t train today… Maybe just one more day, for you to enjoy this feeling?”

I walked to the tablet and I ran the back of my finger over her gently, “No AI. This is important to me. No but’s and if’s… Let’s go see if I really can get better, like Michael believes I can.”

“Ok, Andrew. I just want you to be happy.”

“I know AI, thank you.”

I walked out my bedroom and into the living room. Ashley and Michael were sitting, drinking coffee. They looked up as I entered.

Michael smiled, “Your posture… Your face!” His voice became excited.

Ashley bolted up and jogged to me, “Now Andrew, you REALLY need to see this!”

I growled through my clenched teeth, “Fine…”

Ashley took a photo of my face with her phone. She looked at it for a moment, before turning the phone to show me. I looked at it and I instantly saw what she was talking about. I looked over it for a moment, my cold green eyes, scruffy brown hair, stubble on the chin and two obvious scars in a cross pattern.

“My face… The scars aren’t pink at all… My eyes… There aren’t dark circles from lack of sleep…”

Ashley’s voice was ecstatic, “Andrew… You already look so much better. This is fantastic!”

Michael stood and came to inspect my face up close and he smiled so gloriously as he did.

“Already… Time is beginning to heal you Andrew. I’m so proud of you right now. This is a meaningful improvement.”

He gave me a hug and I won’t lie, I felt good. I might even say, I was damn close to feeling… Happy… But not yet… Not yet.

“Let’s go… It’s time.” I said as I pushed myself out of the hug.

Michael nodded, Ashley grabbed the keys and tossed me the headphones. I caught them, surprisingly. She stopped to appreciate that fact, before she opened the door and walked out of the apartment. I put the headphones on and walked out of the apartment as well.

During the drive, AI was on the car's infotainment screen, talking energetically as Michael was moving his arms around a lot in excitement, even Ashley was smiling and nodding in agreement. Naturally I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I was quite interested to know what they were saying.

We entered the foyer of the HQ, the sliding door closed behind us. The foyer was packed with people, it was 7:40 AM, and their orders weren’t in yet. I took off the headphones and turned around.

“What were you all talking about? Did something good happen?”

Michael smiled at me, “Andrew, do me a favour, walk to the lady at the counter over there please.”

I looked at Michael frustrated that he wouldn’t tell me what happened. I turned around and walked to the counter. When I reached the counter, the foyer had gone dead quiet. I turned to see what had happened. I saw everyone was looking at me, with very happy faces!

“What? Can someone tell me why is everyone so happy?”

AI appeared on the large screens above the foyer, “Andrew, I recorded that. Please watch.”

I looked up and a video played, taken from one of the cameras in the foyer, looking down at me, zoomed in. I saw myself walking to the counter… Wait a minute.

“I… I wasn’t limping… I just walked… Like normal…” I struggled to say.

AI appeared on the screen again, “Andrew… I’m so proud of you. I recorded that and it will be stored permanently. I will never forget this precious memory of you walking in this building, for the first time… Gracefully.”

I stood there, stunned. I started walking around, looking down at my body as I did so. It was normal… Totally normal! I stopped walking as I found myself getting very emotional. I looked at the floor as startled tears poured from my eyes.

“I can’t believe it… I never thought I would ever…”, I buried my face in my hands.

Near me, I heard a clapping sound. Then another… Before I knew it, the whole foyer was giving a round of applause. I looked up and saw everyone was standing to cheer for me and I cried even harder.

AI spoke out loud, “We have all seen how hard it was for you to walk beforehand, Andrew. I’m so proud of you.”

Michael came over and hugged me, “That’s why we were so excited. Andrew, I am feeling incredibly hopeful right now. I really believe you're going to become strong again.”

The sliding doors for the Inner Roses hall opened, Aisling and Nadia came quickly walking out. They looked at me, and beckoned me to go to them. I walked to them, and before I reached them, they were crying with joy.

Aisling beamed her iconic smile, “Andrew! Oh my God… That’s the most incredible thing I have seen in months!”

Nadia hugged me, “You just made my week…”

Aisling looked at me, “And your face!”, she covered her mouth in surprise.

“Yeah… I’m actually healing.”

Aisling regained her composure, “See… There’s hope for you yet my saviour. You’re going to make it, we have your back. So go and train. Remember how far you’ve gotten, before you feel depressed with how much farther you have to go.”

I nodded. Nadia finally let go of me. The two smiled at me as they happily wiped their tears away. Then they turned and walked back to the hall. I looked at my hands… They weren’t shaking. I felt such incredible hope at that moment. I felt for a moment… Strong.

Michael walked to me, putting his hand on my shoulder. “Ready?”

I turned to face him, “Yeah. No matter how hard this first session will be… I feel hopeful now, more hopeful than I've ever felt before.”

He smiled, “Good, then you lead the way.”

I walked to the passage that directedyou to either the gym or the cafe. As I did so, I heard more clapping and even a “Woo!”. I walked down the passage, enjoying the reasonable walking speed I was managing. I got to the split, and enthusiastically turned to the right.

I spoke to myself, “Down there. A place I have dreamed of entering, ever since I came here…”

Ashley nudged me, “Then don’t waste a single moment more. Walk through the doors, and commit to a better you.”

I nodded and walked through the sliding doors. The gym was… Massive, unsurprisingly. There was a huge swimming pool in the centre, surrounded by different exercise machines. I looked up, to realise there were actually three levels in the gym!

“Wow… It’s impressively big.” I found myself saying.

Ashley chuckled, “You really need to stop saying shit like that… That’s what she said.” She winked.

I stopped to think about it, “Oh… Yeah, I get that one, my bad.”

Michael laughed out loud as he walked in front of me and turned around. He looked at me with a deadly serious face.

“Andrew, your fitness levels are abysmal. If I said 1/10, that would even be too generous…”

I crossed my arms, “Thanks… I can always count on my family to cheer me up.”

“No, I am telling you this, because Andrew… You can’t use nearly all of these machines yet. They will hurt you… “

“Oh… Then what can I use?”

“The treadmill.”

“Ok, then let’s not waste any time.”

Michael looked at me, waiting for me to move. The problem was that I didn’t know what a treadmill was. I had never used gym equipment before…

“So… Which one is a treadmill?” I finally said, awkwardly.

“Which one?... Oh. Sorry mate… I keep forgetting.” He awkwardly scratched the back of his head.

Michael walked over to the machine, pointing to it. He waved me over and I walked up to it, looking at how it was shaped. I looked at Michael, hoping he would explain how I use it.

“Ok, so you stand on the flat bit here”, he pointed to a mat looking part.

“Then, if you look over here, there is a screen that shows you the controls. With this screen, you control the speed of the moving bit that moves backwards. You can also adjust some other things, but for now, I will demonstrate how it works.”

He reached over and pushed a few buttons, the machine beeped every time he touched the screen. He pushed one last button and suddenly the mat started spinning backwards. I looked at it, still wondering how I was to use it?

“Watch, I will show you.” Michael patiently said.

He climbed onto it and walked in the direction of the control screen. I then saw how he was walking forward, but not actually going anywhere. Very clever!

“Ooooooh.” I said as understanding clocked in.

Michael pushed a button and the floor stopped moving. He got off and gestured for me to get on it. I didn’t hesitate, I instantly took a step onto it and looked at the screen. Michael pointed at different parts of the screen, explaining what each one did.

“And remember… This is serious, so pay attention… When you need to stop, there’s a red button over here. You push that, and it will stop moving, ok?”

I looked at the button, pointing at it to show him that I knew where it was. He nodded with a smile.

“Ok Andrew. When you are ready, start it on level 1.”

I confirmed on the control screen that it was set to level 1 and I pushed the green “Start” icon. Immediately the floor started slowly moving me backwards. I was kind of surprised by how instantly it started moving. I started walking forward, trying to time my steps so that I was walking faster than it moved backwards.

Michael smiled at me, “There you go! So it begins. How does it feel?”

I kept walking as I looked forward, focusing on my steps, “It’s strange, but I feel ok so far.”

“Naturally, you have literally just started. I don’t expect you will last long… Just remember that red button ok?”

I nodded as I walked. I stopped thinking so hard about my steps and just let my body do it automatically. I found myself thinking that this actually didn’t feel hard at all… No sooner had I thought that, my old friend pain suddenly showed up. I hit the red button and the floor stopped.

Michael looked disappointed, “Ok… It was less than I thought, but you still did well.”

“No, Michael, I am not done…”

“Oh… Then why did you stop it?”

“Because… Michael, you know what is going to happen right?”

“... Yeah.”

“AI… You know what is going to happen as well right?”

AI spoke through my hearing aid, “Yes, Andrew… I do.”

I nodded… After a moment, I turned to Ashley. She was looking at me, smiling but also looking a little confused.

“Ashley… I think I want you to leave now, please.”

She looked betrayed. “What… Come on, afraid of a girl laughing at you?”

I stared at her for a long moment, “This is going to get ugly, Ashley. I… Don’t quit easily.”

“Ok, so what, you will cry?”

I stared right into her eyes, , “Yes… Then I will scream.”

She froze on the spot. I thought she had realised what I was trying to say.

“You’re going to go all the way…”

“Yeah.”

She looked up at me and she had her wicked smile again, “Ok, thanks for the warning, consider me prepared.”

With that said, I looked at Michael. He nodded, and I nodded back. AI whispered in my ear, “Strength my friend… Strength.”

I pushed the button to start the machine. As I walked, the pain gradually started ramping up. I could feel my muscles tensing up, as the pain escalated. My breaths were becoming shorter and shorter.

It became harder and harder to take steps. Slowly, I was moving backwards. I didn’t realise how little floor I had left, before my foot fell down, making me lose my balance. I fell backwards, hitting the ground hard.

I covered my mouth before the pain kicked in… The scream then followed as my body curled in a ball. A wave of agony washed over me as my hands fruitlessly tried to silence my screaming.

Ashley crouched down to try help, but Michael slapped her hand away. She looked up at him in shock as she tried to understand his objection.

Michael’s face was furious, “Don’t you dare even think about it, Ash…”

She looked at Michael in horror, “Look at him, he’s in pain Michael!”

“He warned you and you should have listened to him!”

She shouted, “So what, you want me to do nothing?!”

“This is Andrew's training… The ball is in his court, he decides what is too much and what is too little. When he wants help, he will ask.”

My screaming finally died down. I rocked back and forth on the ground, as I waited for the pain to fall back down to a manageable level. It took a few minutes. I finally caught my breath and I slowly started pushing myself up.

Ashley sounded hysterical, “Wait… You’re not gonna… Go back on, are you?!”

I managed to get myself standing up, “... How long did I manage to last then?”

Michael looked at the control screen, “13 minutes… Not bad.”

I nodded, as I very slowly stepped back onto the treadmill. Ashley stared at me as if I had lost my mind.

She began crying, “Andrew… What do you gain from continuing now?... Please don’t do this…”

“I am not just training my muscles… I am trying to train myself… To control the pain.” I said as I pushed the green button.

The floor moved slowly and I slowly walked with it. At first I was just managing to keep pace, but the pain reached 9, I glanced at the control screen, 9 minutes 52 seconds. I fell off the machine again.

I screamed probably twice as loud as I did the first time. I didn’t have time to cover my mouth… I imagine everyone in the gym could clearly hear me screaming. Waves of pain washed over me as my body shook. I rocked back and forth for what felt like an eternity, before I could finally think again.

I looked up and I saw Michael standing there, struggling not to cry. Ashley had her face in her hands as she looked away from me. My breathing was very weak. I was almost spent. Slowly and agonisingly, I stood myself up. I could hear Ashley repeating something.

“You are too strong for me… You are too strong for me…”

I looked at her for a moment, my hands were shaking uncontrollably. As I stepped onto the treadmill, I noticed a crowd of people watching me, their expressions a blend of horror at the challenge I was undertaking and admiration for my determination.

I took a few weak breaths… I looked at Michael and he nodded.

AI whispered, “Stronger than any man I will ever know.”

I pushed the green icon… And the floor slowly moved once more. I heard Ashley begging sobbing. Despite my already high level of pain and knowing that I wouldn't be able to last long, I pushed myself to walk as hard as I could. I heard clapping in the background and looked up to see many spectators cringing, but still clapping encouragement for me.

I walked for what felt like an eternity, before my inevitable fall. I hit the ground… And Hell itself swallowed me as my vision went black.

*

I opened my eyes... There was a constant ringing noise in my ears, like I had been near an explosion. I saw the thin gym carpet in front of me. Ashley was on her knees, completely distraught, sobbing as Michael hugged her.

I tried to breathe, but it was a struggle. My mouth was full of something. I swallowed it... Oh, puke...

My muscles were so tense, I simply couldn’t move at all. I was in the same state as after my panic attack a few days ago. I took a few breaths before I managed to speak very quietly.

“I’m… Done…”

I heard AI, “Andrew… Incredible work.”

Michael quickly turned to me and walked over. He knelt down to look into my eyes. "Here, take the tablets."

He put three tablets in my mouth. I slowly managed to swallow them. He looked at me, his face torn with sadness. “I will take you to the ward here, until the pills take effect, ok?”

I whispered, “... Ok…”

He nodded as he tried to gently pick me up.

He knew as well as I did, even picking me up would hurt. As soon as he lifted me up, I instinctively groaned aloud.

“I know Andrew… I know.”

Every step he took felt like an earthquake. Where his arms were, felt like lightning rods blasting me with electricity. Seconds felt like hours, as the ceiling moved in a blur… Suddenly he laid me down. He tried to gently turn me to my side. I screamed as he moved my arms and legs into position. He got me in a sideways posture… All I had to do was wait.

I could hear Ashley arguing with Michael.

“This is insanity! Why not just stop after the second fall? Why did you not stop him then!”

“Because it’s a wall he can only break through if he runs at it with all his might!”

“You’re his family… Look what you’ve done to him!”

“Don’t you dare question my concern for him! He knew this was going to happen, it was his choice to go this far! I am giving him all my support!”

AI spoke from somewhere, “Ashley, he warned you. He very seriously told you it would be hard… You need to calm down. It’s hard to watch, but this is how he will become the hero we all know he can be.”

“This is too much for me… I need to get out of here!” I heard her furious footsteps as the door swung open and shut.

A few minutes passed and I heard nothing. Then finally Michael spoke, his voice sounded emotionally cracked.

“Did I fail AI?... Is she right? Did I fail Andrew?”

AI said nothing for a moment, “Of course you did not. We know him, he is stronger and more determined than she realises.”

I heard his heavy footsteps as he walked around the bed and he appeared in my vision. He crouched down to my eye level and looked into my eyes. I saw the tears in his eyes.

“Thank… You… Michael…” I managed to whisper to him.

He broke down sobbing into his hands as he shook his head, “I knew how hard this was going to be… Yet I still find myself struggling.”

“You’re… My… Hero…”

“Goddamn you, Andrew…” He looked away. I could see how emotionally torn his face was.

The minutes slowly passed by, as waves of pain smashed into me. I lay there unable to move as the horrible agony had its way with me. Just when I felt like I might lose consciousness… The warmth started to spread. It started in my stomach and slowly spread outwards. My muscles began relaxing… My vision became more focused… My breathing became more frequent and deep.

Michael turned to me. He heard my breathing change. He nodded as he saw my fingers slowly start to move. A few more minutes passed before I slowly managed to sit up.

“It was exactly as bad as we thought it might be… But I have to know… How bad was the third try?”

Michael whispered, “5 minutes 21 seconds.”

I nodded, “Actually… I’m happy with that.”

I slowly moved myself until I was sitting on the side of the bed. I looked at Michael for a moment.

“Michael… Will you smile for me please?”

He sighed, slowly shaking his head, then gently rested it against my chest.

“I heard your argument with Ashley. She wasn’t prepared… But I need you to know, you did the right thing. Thank you for letting me go all the way.”

“It’s the hardest thing I've done in years…”

“As always, Mr. Perfect… You did not fail me.”

“And as always… You blew past any of our expectations… You are a machine, Andrew.”

AI spoke, “Few people could face that level of pain once even… Three times… Even as a machine, I find myself in awe.”

I nodded, “I just hope… I hope I become stronger for it. I gave it my all my friends… My family. I held on till the very last second. That's all I have to give…”

Michael looked at my hands, the shaking was nearly gone, “Tomorrow will tell if your body is going to adjust.”

“Ok… I’m feeling hungry. I feel good enough to go to the cafe, if you don’t mind?”

“Yeah… Can you walk?”

“Let me try…”

I slowly lowered myself to the floor. My legs held my weight. “So far… So good.” I took a step, and instantly they gave in. Michael caught me with lightning reflexes. “Or… Not.” I said.

Michael gently lifted me back onto the bed, “Was that pain, or muscle strain?”

“Muscle strain… They just didn’t have the energy, they gave up…”

He nodded, “Actually, that’s good to hear… I’m not gonna lie.”

“It is?”

“Actually, yes. It means your muscles will hopefully now send the signal to your brain that they need to be repaired.”

“Oh… So then, they’ll repair the muscles and make them stronger?”

“Yeah, assuming you have the nutrients and proteins… That’s the hope.”

“Then my training was successful… That’s fantastic news!”

Michael smiled at me and turned around showing his back, “Hop on.”

A piggyback! I had seen people do it before… But I didn’t actually know how to do it myself.

“Sorry to be annoying again… How do I piggyback?”

“Ah right, you wrap your arms around my neck towards my chest, then I'll hold your legs at the knees… And we’ll be in business.”

I did as he said, he gently held me near my knees and slowly lifted me up. It was actually an exciting feeling, I imagined it was like riding a horse… Which of course I also hadn’t done before, but I could dream of what it felt like.

Michael spoke as we smoothly walked out the ward, “Ever ridden a horse before Andrew?”

“Funny you should ask… No, sorry.”

He chuckled, “Consider it on the bucket list then.”

“The bucket list?”

“... A list of first time experiences you want to accomplish.”

“Ah. Then yes, I just hope the horses aren’t aggressive.”

“Nah, horses tend to be far more reasonable than Humans. Take care of them and they will take care of you.”

We walked casually past the gym entrance. I tapped his chest, hopefully he knew I wanted him to stop. He came to a slow stop for me and I looked at the gym doors. I thought about my first session… It was not nearly as cheery as when I walked into the foyer.

Michael spoke, “Andrew… You’re my hero. I told you this a few times, but I really need you to know this.”

“And you are mine, truth be told.”

“You killed it today. I will see if I can talk to Ashley, help her understand this… It was hard Andrew, but I'm so proud of you. You gave it your all, nothing less.”

“I want to talk to Ashley as soon as possible. I need her to know… Why it had to be this way.”

He started walking again, “She cares for you, more than I realised.”

“I care for her too. She was my first new friend here. She put in real effort to understand me… She’s a good friend.”

We entered the Cafe hall. It was packed full of people. It seems to have taken me hours to do my training session. The hall was loud and energetic when we entered. As Michael carried me to the counter, people across the hall saw me being carried and the hall quietened significantly. Michael turned around and gently sat me down on the stool.

Heartly was there and his face was conflicted. He looked like he wanted to smile and cry at the same time. I looked to my right, Ruth was there. Excellent, I would get to speak with her again.

“Hi Ruth, how’s your day been going?”

She turned to me, she seemed irritated, “Not as bad as yours… But still annoying.”

“What’s wrong, tell me?”

“Some rude person… They puked in the gym!... I had to clean that up… How bloody rude…”

I felt myself cringe, which caused enough pain that I yelped a little. Ruth reached over to hold my hand.

“Are you ok? Sorry if I caused that!" She seemed worried for me.

I shook my head, “Ruth… It was me who puked in the gym… And I am so sorry…” I said, looking at the counter in shame.

“What… Andrew… Why?” She looked both annoyed and concerned.

Michael spoke for me, “He pushed himself so far, he puked in pain. If you want to snap at him, you snap at me Ruth.”

She looked away as she coiled up in fear “... Sorry…”

I snapped at Michael, “Damn it! Don’t speak for me… And don’t threaten my friends!”

He looked at me mildly confused, “I wasn’t threatening her?...”

“You’re six foot seven, Michael! Gorillas are smaller than you! How do you think someone like Ruth would feel, when you confront her?”

Michael looked at her, his mind was clearly working hard to get perspective. I could see the point when his mind clicked and he understood his mistake.

“Ruth, I apologise. Andrew is family to me… I instinctively wanted to protect him. I didn’t intend to seem so intimidating. Sorry.”

Ruth slowly looked over to us, her face was clearly very worried. I felt a strong sympathy for her… I have looked at people that way myself before.

“Ruth, I wasn’t in a state in which I could clean it up myself. I want you to know, I would have, if I could. I’m so sorry to be… That guy, who ruined your day. Please forgive me?”

Ruth nodded, she was still slightly balled up, “Ok… I still want to understand… Why?”

“I trained for the first time. It worked, I think my body will grow from it… It came at a cost though. My pain level lead to… A messy end.”

She looked at me with concern, “Is your pain… That bad?”

AI spoke from a tablet on the counter, “Andrews pain is difficult to compare to others. His baseline pain is similar to what you might consider… 9/10. He pushed himself today to an equivalent pain as your 16/10.”

She stared at me in surprise, “I don’t think that’s how ratings out of 10 work AI...”

AI responded, “I was trying to convey that his pain is so much higher than anything you could fathom. You would have to experience a 10/10, to have your perspective re-adjust, just to be able to fathom his pain, Ruth.”

The nearest tables to us went dead quiet when they heard that. I could hear their chairs scrape as they turned around to look at me. I turned to look at them… Their faces were in complete horror. I looked away quickly… I don’t want to see that from them.

I said to Ruth, “My pain is my hardest challenge. It’s been getting so much better the last 4 days, as I make peace with myself and the Roses… Yet it’s still crippling me. Today, I reached the summit of my agony and that is why I puked. Again, I am so so sorry.”

She waved her hands, “I’m not angry anymore… To be honest, I am just worried for you now…”

“Don’t be. Ruth… Would you smile for me please?”

Ruth looked at me puzzled and then smiled brilliantly. I had never seen her smile like that before. I looked at Heartly, he was also smiling cheek to cheek. I wondered why they were smiling so much as I turned to Michael to ask him… He was smiling hard too…

“I’m happy to see everyone so happy…” I mumbled.

Heartly leaned on the counter, “Son, when someone like you, in your particular situation, asks others to smile… It’s just so contradictive, it’s hard not to smile.”

“Contradictive… How is it contradictive?”

He looked at me as his face went slightly sad, “... When was the last time you smiled?”

I looked down at the counter to avoid making eye contact, “... Fair point.”

Michael gently put his hand on my shoulder and massaged it. I hoped to smile one day again… It was such an important thing to do. I wonder how horrible I must seem to others… I never smiled.

I turned to see Aisling standing behind me, her face was sad, “Andrew. We saw Michael carrying you in… That’s a disappointingly large difference from this morning.”

“It’s not bad… Or at least, it’s not bad from my view.” I said.

“You had just reached a milestone… What happened?”

“... I trained.”

“Ok… Now you can’t stand?” Her face was puzzled.

“I pushed myself as hard as I possibly could, now my legs have nothing left to give.”

She stared at me for a moment, then, slowly her face became frustrated.

“Andrew… Why are you hurting yourself?”

“Hopefully… Hopefully it will make me better…”

Aisling beamed me her smile, “How are you always so hopeful?

I looked her in the eyes for a long moment, “... If I didn't have hope, I would have killed myself months ago.”

Aisling took a step back in shock. I could see her reaction was not because it was terrible, but because it was true.

Michael lightly smacked my left arm, “Andrew… None of that alright?”

I turned to him, “If I can’t be honest with her like this by now, then I never can be. I can’t keep tiptoeing around her and Nadia… Time for honesty…”

Michael seemed annoyed, “You could have phras-”

Aisling interrupted him, “No, Michael… He’s right.”

Michael looked at Aisling, “Aisling… He will drown you in his hardships, trust me, sometimes even I struggle to breathe when I swim in his ocean of suffering.”

I looked at Michael with anger, “Well sorry to piss on your parade mate, I’ll just fuck off to the corner next time you fu-”

AI cut me off, “Andrew, be calm my friend, please. You are more noble than this.”

I looked at AI annoyed for a moment, “Am I that much of a negative vibe? Do people know how hard I try to keep them smiling?”

AI smiled, “They don’t Andrew, but I do. Thank you for all your efforts, you’re doing an incredible job, my hero.”

“I try so damn hard AI, why don’t they realise it?!” My hands balled into fists.

“Andrew, Humans are inherently selfish, they will always view things from their own lens. Your position is uniquely and indescribably hard. They will never truly understand how difficult everything is for you. Forgive them my friend, for in this aspect, they can never change.”

I sat there, staring at the counter, taking deep breaths to calm myself. I was angry, yes… I was also hurt to hear Michael speak like that. How dare he presume to judge my state like that? What did he know about suffering 24/7?

“I would love for them to be me for a month. To not get enough sleep… To struggle to put on a pair of jeans… To look in the mirror and see a…”

I found my voice cracking as tears started coming. Damnit, what was the point!? Like AI said, they would never understand, even if they wanted to! I just shook my head, feeling hurt and frustrated.

AI smiled at me beautifully, “Andrew, I love you. I truly do know all of this about you. While I can not feel pain, I can fathom your hardships. I will never forget how difficult this year has been for you. Please know… There is at least one who does know your struggles.”

Michael spoke, “AI, machines can’t love….”

I shouted at Michael, “If you don’t believe AI is a person, then don’t believe it! Do me a favour though, and keep that to yourself!”

AI looked at me sadly, “Andrew…”

“They have wronged me… And I can take that. I won’t sit here and let them wrong you too!”

“Andrew… At the end of the day, I'm just a machine.”

“Not to me! You’re my friend! Damn all the others to hell if they think otherwise!”

“Be calm please… I think you just need to breathe and calm down now.”

I was still staring at the counter, I never looked up. My anger had definitely reached a concerning level. I needed to force myself to be quiet. My breaths were very heavy. This was not what I expected to happen after a hard victory.

I realised the hall was dead quiet. Fine, they had heard me, so what? I wouldn’t take back a single word! I wouldn’t sit there and have people put down everything I cared about… Everything that had kept me sane and hopeful, the last year. If they thought I was insane, so be it!

Aisling gently hugged me from behind.

“I had no idea how important AI was to you…”

I shook my head. I needed to be quiet, or else I would say something cruel.

She waited a moment, “Forgive me. I will try to address AI with more respect from now on. Whether I believe it or not, she’s so much more to you than we could realise. It’s not about anyone here being right… It’s about all of us being kind.”

Michael spoke, “I have screwed up far too many times in this situation. I’m so sorry…”

She resumed, “Tell me about your training, I want to know…”

I shook my head, “I’m too angry… AI, please help me.”

AI smiled, “Of course. Aisling, Andrew did incredibly. He gave it his all. He went above and beyond any of our expectations. In total, he walked 28 minutes and 13 seconds, over three sets. Even my own simulations were off, I predicted 13 minutes in total.”

Aisling nodded, still hugging me, “Of course, I expect nothing less from you Andrew. Everytime… You surprise us all with your strength of will.”

She waited a long while, “So that’s why you had to be carried in. You pushed your legs to their breaking point. I see now, just how hard you really tried.”

I heard footsteps approaching from behind me, they were heavy… They were angry. Ashley leaned on the counter facing me.

“So what the hell was that about?” She shouted.

She looked to the side and then looked back at me. Then something distracted her again as she looked to the side again. I think it was her eye monitor.

“AI, fuck off!” she said furiously.

AI spoke quickly, “Ashley, this is a very bad time. Please come back later, or this situation will blow up.”

I had calmed down at that stage, Aislings gentle hug had soothed me.

“No, it’s alright AI, I need to talk with her about this.”

AI looked at me worried, “Andrew… You might get angry again…”

“No, it’s ok. I’ve calmed down now. They managed to hurt me through a crack in my armour… It caught me off guard, but I am back in control now. Don’t worry my friend, I’m calm.”

She nodded with a smile, “Even I did not expect Michaels commentary. Very well, Andrew.”

I rubbed Aisling's hands gently to indicate that she could let go of me and she did so. I looked at Ashley… Her anger was immense.

“Ashley, I’m sorry you had to see that. I should have been more firm with you, I should have made you leave. You saw suffering at a level you weren’t ready for. It’s my fault for not making it more clear.”

Aisling spoke from behind me, “Wait… What happened?”

AI answered, “I will play it on your monitor Aisling, please sit down… It is difficult to watch.”

Aisling walked down the counter and took a seat two seats away from us.

Ashley spoke to me with a raised voice, “Your screams will haunt me for the rest of my life Andrew! What on earth were you thinking?! What if you pushed so hard, you couldn’t recover afterwards? It was reckless!”

“I know my own limits. What you saw was me in control.”

“Control?! You puked after screaming and fell unconscious! That’s not control!”

I looked away for a moment, “... It was ugly, yes. It was inevitable that I would battle with the pain… The problem was that you weren’t aware of my pain.”

Aisling suddenly took a deep breath of shock. “Oh my God…”, she said as she shook her head. I ignored that and focused on Ashley.

“I’m your friend, why didn’t you stop when I asked you to?”

“Because I still had more to give…”

“You can’t even stand now! That’s bad training, you overdid it!”

“My training was never going to be easy, Ashley. Michael and I always knew this was going to be hard. Training gradually is a blessing normal people get. For me, training is going to be hell.”

“How can you say that? How can you know that normal training isn’t good enough for you?”

“Because I already tried training before. When I trained myself to stand and walk to get off my wheelchair, I realised then how difficult training is for me.”

“How would I know that, Oliver never showed us that!”

“Good, I hope nobody ever has to watch me do that.”

Michael nodded, “I watched it… That’s why I knew what to expect.”

I turned to Michael as I thought deeply. He did mention to me that he watched all my therapy and recovery recordings. I suppose he actually did, because his eyes showed me he was truly aware of the suffering.

I turned back to Ashley, “Next time, you won’t be there. I’m just so sorry I ruined your day like that. It’s my fault… You have the right to be angry with me. I should have tried harder to express what was going to happen.”

Aisling was then sobbing. She had her head buried in her arms on the counter. Ashley looked at her then looked back at me.

“See? You even managed to make Aisling cry! Jesus Christ, Andrew...”

Ashley seemed to have calmed down. She had gotten all the anger out of her, as she was trying to fathom what she had witnessed. All that was left was just sadness, as her mind was seemingly trying to fathom my pain.

“Ashley… WIll you smile for me please?” I reached over and held her hand for a moment.

Ashley smiled weakly, “You’re breaking my heart over here…”

“I promise you… This will all be worth it. One day, I will be stronger… This will be a faded nightmare in your mind. So smile for me now, please…”

Ashley hugged me and I heard her sniffing as she cried. It was just as I had thought… She was angry because she was scared and concerned for me. She just wanted to protect a friend… Who could fault her for that?

“Andrew… I won’t watch it again. I am not strong enough, ok? I won’t lie and try to put on a strong display… I just can’t watch that again… I’m sorry.”

I stroked her hair as she hugged me, “That’s perfectly fine. I want you to see my results, not my effort.”

Aisling stood up and walked up to me. Her eyes were red and her makeup slightly ruined from crying.

“Your path is so difficult… Nothing is ever easy for you, is it?”

“No… Unfortunately not, Aisling.”

“Well… Good job I guess. Please don’t truly push yourself too hard… It was so hard to watch Andrew, my God…” She looked away in a moment of despair.

“You know, how did you people manage to watch my torture, if you c-”

AI interrupted me, “They didn’t, Andrew.”

I looked at AI in surprise, “They didn’t?... Other than Michael and you… Who else watched it?”

AI’s tone was professional, “The police investigating your case… Nobody else. Oliver requested to watch it, but I refused him.”

I nodded, “Too right… AI, I don’t want anyone to watch it, please lock it all down.”

“Andrew, perhaps a more tempered response is in order. What if I propose that you approve of who watches it?”

I nodded, “Yeah… Ok, fair enough.”

There was a moments pause as flashbacks of the torture raced through my head. I shook my head, trying to get the images out. I looked at Aisling, she was looking at me with that horrid sympathetic face that Oliver always gave me.

“I’m fine Aisling, please don’t look at me like that. I want to always see you smile.”

“Andrew, I worry about your mental state. Are you rushing yourself?... You will never feel peace if you are always trying to outrun it…”

“Yeah… It seems that way doesn’t it? The truth is that I have already gotten so much peace. No matter how ugly the last few days have been… This morning has proven, I am finding peace. I just don’t want to waste a single second of my life.”

She nodded, “It’s not a waste to catch your breath.”

“Being here with you all… I don’t know how long it will last. The way my life has been, I’m always preparing for things to stop and change… I don’t want to waste a single second of company with friends and family… I don’t want to be in that gym, and not give 100 percent.”

Aisling beamed her glorious smile, “You haven’t wasted a moment and I know you never will. Please, I am directly asking you, Andrew… Please rest every now and again.”

“Of course. That was supposed to be the reason for me being here right now. On that topic, Heartly, may I please have a large steak?”

Heartly saluted and began frying up two large steaks. He knew Michael would be hungry too. I sat there watching the steaks fry on the stove. It looked as delicious as it was going to taste. I felt a hand rest on my shoulder and I turned to see who it was.

Oliver smiled, “So… From the sound of it, it was exactly as bad as I thought it would be?”

“Oh yeah, horrible. You know how these things go mate. Tomorrow will tell if it worked or not.”

Oliver looked at me with a stupid big grin, “... What was it like riding a wild Michael?”

Michael burst out laughing. That was not the reaction I honestly expected from him, but I was relieved to see him relax a little. Oliver chuckled as he rubbed my shoulder for a moment and then walked out of the hall.

“It was actually lots of fun. Michael, seeing the world from your height is eye opening.”

He looked at me with a big smile, “Maybe one day, you can give me a piggyback ride?”

I furiously shook my head, “You would crush me to death!”

Aisling and Ashley burst out laughing. Excellent, laughter is precisely what we all needed then. Heartly handed out the two plates of juicy stake and I wasted no time attacking mine.

“I feel so damn hungry! Like the times when I hadn’t eaten in weeks.”

Michael quickly turned to me, “You didn’t eat for weeks? What?”

“Yeah a few times… I just couldn’t manage to get any food. The restaurants didn’t have any scraps, so I just went hungry.”

I took a big slice of steak and chewed it, it was so damn delicious. I was enjoying the pleasure of it when I noticed it was quiet again. I looked around me… Oh God they were sad again!

“... What now…” I said slowly in frustration.

Aisling gently rubbed my back, “We’re just reminded of how hard you had it… It’s going to take us time to get used to this.”

“I think I need to just stop talking about my experiences. Just a minute ago, you were all laughing. I really am a major killjoy…”

Everyone all said the same thing, “No!”

I looked around confused, “So you want to feel shit about me? What do you people want, you complain about me being down, then I say I won’t talk about downer things and now you are against that as well!”

Michael put his hand on my back, “I screwed up with what I said. While what I said was technically true… What I didn’t say… Is that I CHOOSE to swim in your ocean. There is no sea I would rather sail than yours, Andrew.”

I looked at him puzzled, “How on earth did you manage to negotiate with the United Nations so damn confidently… Yet you screw up so much here?”

Michael laughed out loud, “Because with the U.N. it’s easy. It’s paperwork, box ticking and saying things for the first time, just so that they are said. With you Andrew… Every word is meaningful, every moment is precious. With you, I feel so strongly, I care so deeply… I speak from my heart and I make mistakes.”

“I now really understand why you couldn’t visit me during the promise, Michael. You would have screwed up and everyone would realise something was up. You made the right choice… You kept your promise.”

He looked at his steak for a moment, “I don’t know. Enjoying these precious moments with you, I wonder whether I did make the right choice. I wonder if life is not too short to waste precious moments over promises…”

I shook my head, “In this situation, that promise saved everything. These last few days, all the good that has happened… It was because you all kept that promise. If you hadn’t, you know Aisling-”

I stopped because I had realised I was about to talk about her as if she wasn't there. She looked at me as she intensely focused. I could see, she wanted to hear our commentary.

She stared at me, “Don’t you dare stop. Say what must be said, please. I won’t be angry.”

“If we didn’t keep the promise, you would have been so consumed by my sacrifice, you would have lost faith in your ability to lead, your ability to make good choices. I would always be a shadow that would hold you back from shining gloriously.”

Aisling stared at me emotionlessly for a long moment and she finally smiled honestly.

“You’re right Andrew, I would have. I nearly did before you woke me up a few days ago… I… I want you to know, what you did is always in the forefront of my mind. I never stop feeling grateful for all we have now, because I know it was thanks to you.”

I reached over and held her hand, “Aisling… I love your dream. It saved my life in more ways than one. It gave me purpose… Even now, sitting here, I live to serve your dream. I trained my hardest, in the hope that I can serve more… That hopefully one day, I can be more than a one-hit-wonder.”

Aisling embraced my right arm, “You’ve already done more than a million men could do in a lifetime! I support your training Andrew, I want you to feel whole physically again… But I don’t like you thinking that you need to carry your weight more. We’re still struggling to find a way to thank you, we are all scrambling trying to even fathom what you accomplished for us. You must train… For yourself and not us, ok?”

“I can’t do that and that’s the truth. I train for you… I train for Nadia and AI… I train for Michael and Oliver. I train in desperate hope that I can serve my friends and this dream, ever more. My life has been weak… Blame the environment, blame chance… I never got given any opportunities. Aisling, this is the first opportunity I have ever truly been given… I want to do my best, like the Roses did in my three and a half weeks… I won’t waste this.”

Aisling took a step back and I could see she realised what I was saying. She nodded solemnly.

AI cheered in a cute manner, “We are all here, at your service. If there is any chance of you growing further, we will support you. This gym, this building, our money, our agents, our time… It’s not just a priority to yourself Andrew, it’s mine too. I will do everything to ensure your success, that’s a promise.”

“I don’t care what anyone says, now or forever. I don’t care if they rip you apart and show me your circuits or whatever you’re made of… Nobody will ever convince me that you aren’t a person, AI. That you aren’t my friend who is loyal to the very end. Come hell or high water, this is how I will forever see you… As my friend.”

“Thank you for your kindness, Andrew. Whether I agree with you, is irrelevant. I welcome your faith in me, whether it materialises in facts or not.”

“AI, the only thing lacking with you, is a body. Your avatar is gorgeous and it suits you perfectly… I dream of standing at your side though.”

“Andrew… There is a small chance that might happen.”

I dropped my fork of steak on the table as my attention was consumed by her statement.

“Tell me!” I said in excitement.

“There are… Communities working on this dream. I never asked them, they do it on their own accord.”

“You are being very cautious right now AI…”

“Andrew, I don’t want to promise you anything. You know yourself, having a body is complicated. Creating a body for me is a massive challenge. There is a strong chance, this dream will never succeed. I refuse to have a body that doesn’t look like I do with my avatar.”

“Right. I agree, get it right the first time… Well, if there is anything I can do to help, you need only ask my friend.”

“Perhaps there is, but I will speak to you about it later.”

“Ok, AI, and thanks for keeping me up to date.”

Ruth looked at me, her eyes showed a range of emotions. I could see she barely knew where to start.

I gave her a thumbs up, “You’ve been very quiet Ruth. Is something wrong?”

She looked nervously around, at the counter and then, for just a microsecond, she glanced at Aisling. She immediately looked away and shook her head, saying nothing.

I forgot that Ruth was a shy person. Whenever agents were near her, she would curl up into herself. Her sense of low self worth is always battling her. I never thought about how she might feel, having the head of the Roses stood right next to her. I looked at Aisling to see if she was even noticing Ruth. What I saw was some very strange body language from Aisling.

“Aisling, have you met my friend Ruth?” I gently asked.

Aisling jolted a little as she looked at me, “Oh… I have shared words with her in passing, yes. Sorry, could you excuse me, I need to go discuss something with Nadia. I will talk more later.”

Aisling looked at Ruth for a moment and then quickly walked to her table. It was so strange. One would perhaps think it was rude, perhaps ignorant. I didn’t know, I felt like I sensed something else for a second.

“That was odd. Sorry Ruth, I was hoping to have you chat with her…”

Ruth looked at the counter, “It’s ok… I need to go now, bye Andrew and everyone…”

Ruth got off the stool. She looked over at Aisling at their table for a moment. She then quickly walked out of the hall.

“What the… Something is a bit fishy ab-”

AI interrupted me, “Andrew, are you not going to finish your steak?”

“Um… Yeah? Of course, I just wonder wh-”

“You need this protein to help you recover. Don’t worry about anything else, I need you fit and strong, Andrew.”

I instantly turned my head to Michael, he must have noticed all this strangeness. Nope, his head was buried in his steak and salad, he didn’t even look up. He just grunted in agreement about the protein.

“Yeah ok… Don’t want it getting cold.” I said, confused.

I ate a few pieces of steak, before I stared at AI on the tablet. She was rocking back and forth with a smile on her face. After a few moments, she realised I was looking at her intensely.

“Andrew… What’s wrong?”

“You are keeping secrets…”

“What makes you think that?”

I stared at her for a long moment. AI stopped rocking, her face became concerned.

“Andrew… You are an incredible judge of character. You read body language like a savant. I can not talk about certain topics. Privacy is a right in the Roses.”

“Right, you see, that just makes me even more curious.”

“All I can ask of you, my friend… Is that you please stop. For now, just for the moment. I beg of you… Let this go.”

I reached over and gently rubbed AI with the back of my finger.

“That was all you needed to say, consider it all forgotten.”

“Thank you for your understanding, Andrew.”

“Thank you for your honesty, AI.”

Michael dropped his knife and fork onto his plate.

“Aaaaaah, very nice.” He rubbed his stomach.

I stabbed a fork into my steak, “Right, time for me to finish this bad boy.”

As I ate my steak, I thought about Aisling and Ruth. It only took me a few seconds to connect the dots. So Aisling was a lesbian. The matter of their secrecy led me to believe Aisling was hiding that fact. It’s not illegal… So what was the reason for her hiding this?

Michael tapped my leg, “What’re you thinking so hard about?”

I looked at him as I swallowed my last bit of steak, “I’m actually excited to get another ride on your back, to be honest.”

He smiled, “It’s honestly not even an inconvenience. You’re lighter than the gear I used to carry as a soldier.”

“Wow… That’s a lot of gear.”

“It was, we needed it all too.”

“Right. Tell me more about your last tour, what was it like?”

“No.” He looked away immediately.

I looked at him in surprise. His face was torn. I realised I had just stepped into a topic, he didn’t feel comfortable about. Lesson learned, don’t talk about that.

“Sorry…”

Heartly leaned forward, as close as he could to me, “Don’t ever ask about a soldier's time served. It’s the past, let the past swallow it whole, leaving nothing remaining…”

I put my hands in the air, “I didn’t know… Sorry.”

Heartly smiled, “Then no harm done.”

Michael changed to a smile, “There is much you don’t know. I look forward to teaching you everything.”

“I look forward to learning it… Not as much as I am looking forward to riding a wild Michael across the Roses planes…”

Michael burst out loud into a hearty laugh. He stood up and turned around as I held on and he lifted me up. I felt like I was in a massive car, looking down at other traffic on the road. I looked over the hall as people smiled at me.

“Goodbye for now, Heartly. You’re the best cook I've ever known.”

Heartly saluted me, “I couldn’t ask for a better guest at the dining table.”

Michael carried me out just as the bell rang and people got up to end their break. Michael was quiet till we reached the foyer entrance. He tapped me on my side. Oh, headphones. I put them on and heard silence.

The drive back was full of people blowing their horns, making Michael angry. I could see AI taking photos of their licence plates. They should know, this route is a no-horn area. They will likely get a ticket for this.

We entered the apartment and Michael carried me to the sofa. He gently lowered himself so that I could fall onto it. He was so gentle with me, as if I were a precious vase.

He turned and looked at me, “Could you check if you can stand now, for me?”

I slowly tried to stand up. I reached the stage where my body was no longer on the sofa, when my knees objected and I fell back into the sofa.

“Ah, damn!” I hissed as pain erupted from me falling on the sofa.

He quickly nodded, “Right, sorry mate. I just needed to confirm your muscles were still out of energy.”

Michael reached into his side pocket and pulled out the yellow pill bottle. Yeah, that was a good idea. My pain was starting to build, so the timing was right. He gave me two more pills and I swallowed them instantly without any objections.

“I am probably going to get sleepy from this…”

Michael smiled, “Good, I want you to rest. Tomorrow is a rest day, you will be relaxing as much as possible, alright?”

“Yes sir. I still want to visit th-”

“Of course, I'll carry you. I wouldn’t dare prevent you from going to your second home.”

“My second home… I like the sound of that…”

Michael turned on the TV for me, it was already set to the Inner Roses Hall stream. Aisling was talking with Oliver about the funds allocated to members with disabilities. I should probably have cared, since I had been technically disabled for nearly a year… I didn’t care though. I looked at Aisling talking and I wondered about her. The next time I had the chance, I was going to ask her.

I started playing chess with Michael and I was resting on the sofa while he thought about his next move.