Chapter 13
“Wakey wakey sleepy poo’s!”
I opened my eyes in surprise. Right, I fell asleep again… I figured I might. I looked to see Aisling, Nadia and Oliver sitting on the opposite sofa. I looked around to see Ashley at her usual window spot, Michael next to me and Bellatrix leaning against the wall with her arms folded.
“Bella! Please tell me you will stay longer this time!”
She looked at me, “I’ll try for you, no promises.”
“Excellent, then welcome.”
Aisling watched me yawn, “Should we go? You seem very tired Andrew…”
“No no no… I just woke up, that’s all.”
Oliver leaned forward, “Time for therapy. What happened today was-”
Oliver stopped because the front door opened. He and everyone else turned to see who it was. In walked a young woman with striking white dyed hair, baggy clothing and a… Pink monitor on her eye? Pink?
Suddenly, everyone stood up. I looked around to try to make sense of it. Everyone’s faces were… loyal, perhaps even devoted? Was I reading that wrong? What the hell was this response everyone had shown?
She walked into the room and approached the dining table. Everyone took their seats. I never stood up… I didn’t stand for strangers, lady or not. I watched everyone’s body language as I tried to piece together the puzzle of who this person was.
She was almost as still as a statue as she moved her eyes around the room, person to person. As she looked at someone, she shook her head. First Michael, then Aisling, Nadia, Oliver, Bella and she… Didn’t look at Ashley? I looked at Ashley to see her just as confused as I was. I didn’t think Ashley knew her either… So who was this person?
I spoke politely, “I welcome you, as I welcome anyone to this humble home… My name is-”
She cut me off, “Andrew.” She said coldly.
I stared at her, partially irritated. Yeah, she knew of me, everyone else did too, but how about she let me finish introducing myself? I looked at her for a moment and it occurred to me… Her eyes were watching me like a hawk. She only spoke when I said something.
“May I ask your name?”
“That is irrelevant at the moment, all there is now… is you, Andrew.”
Everyone turned from her to me. They were shocked as their faces showed disbelief, as if this were a joke.
I was losing my patience, “What, am I not allowed to have strangers visit me guys? What the fuck is going on!”
AI appeared on the TV, “Andrew, I apologise for the confusion. This individual is here on my behalf, I assigned her to you.”
I looked at AI, “What’s the pink monitor about?”
“It is the colour assigned to social workers. If Oliver had a monitor, it would also be pink. I hide the existence of pink agents, that is why you have not seen it before.”
“Oh ok. So… Social worker? Oliver is my carer and therapist… Why is this kind person assigned to me?”
The lady spoke smoothly and quietly, “I don’t diagnose broken people, I soothe them.”
“Oh so you’re a… Whatever.”
“I am from the street as well Andrew, you can use the lingo with me. No, I am not a slut. I fuck if needed, but that is usually not my job.”
I read her body language… Or rather I tried to. She was intentionally not expressing herself. She just looked at me as still as a statue. She was reading my body language too. I then realised… She was also able to read people.
“You’re reading me…”
She instantly responded, “And you are trying to read me.”
I slowly asked, “What do you do?”
“I am the person you need me to be. I am courage when you are afraid, I am company when you are alone, I am fear when you feel too bold, I am a warm body to be next to, I am the ear to listen to your problems.”
“Oh… An empath.”
“Precisely.”
I leaned back into the sofa, so that explained why people stood up for her. They have been her… Customer. To confide in someone is to respect them… They stood out of respect.
I sat back up and looked at her, “So what do you intend-” I stopped talking.
She was radiating black heat waves. I felt worry and fear engulf me, she was suicidal… I never noticed it before, because she hid her expressions so well. I looked over her body, there were the ques… Her eyes were masterfully disguising a dead look. Her posture wasn’t relaxed… The muscles had surrendered in hopelessness.
I sat up as I panicked, looking around. A person in this state is going to be crazy when they become emotionally out of control. Self harm, suicide… Shooting… I looked around, three people had firearms. I needed to get them away from her, I needed to remove risk.
I said slowly, “Michael… Bella… Please go stand with Ashley at the window.”
Michael turned to me confused, “Why? What’s at the window?”
I snapped at him, “That’s an order agent!”
Michael instantly stood up and walked to Ashley.
Bella stared at me, “You don’t boss me around, boy.”
“No… But I would ask it as a favour… I’ll owe you.”
She stared at me then got up from the wall and walked to Ashley.
Aisling, Nadia and Oliver were very concerned now. They looked at me with a face that wanted to know what’s wrong. I looked at the lady, she was still radiating out blackness. She knew what I was doing.
She crouched to my eye level, “To do my job, I must know people. I must feel their energy… Resonate with them. I am a chameleon, I become them…”
I stared at her, “Do you have anything on you… That could be used as a weapon?”
She stared at me for a moment, “Yes, I will calm your worries…”
She reached into her baggy trousers and pulled out a switchblade. She held it in view before she tossed it across the room. She nodded and so did I. I knew, that she knew, why I asked. She was clearly sending me a message that she was not active. That she had no intent… A white flag.
Aisling spoke, “... What’s going on here?”
I looked at Aisling, “This person… They are radiating out black heat…”
The room exploded as people breathed out in shock. They all looked at this lady, in disbelief.
The lady never stopped looking at me, “Yes, I am in a dark place. A moment away from breaking… A bad day away from ending it.”
“How are you supposed to support me, when you’re in this state?”
“Andrew, I am a chameleon. I become the person I am with…”
“Right, I get that, but that will be hard if…”
Wait.
No…
*
Oliver stood up, “You said you weren’t, Andrew!”
I stood up slowly, “I’m not!”
Ashley walked up to me, “You fucking liar! I trusted you and you lied to me!”
I recoiled from Ashley’s hurtful tone, “Bullshit, I don’t know what this lady is saying, but I’m not suicidal!”
Aisling looked at the table, “Andrew… I thought you were getting better?”
“I AM!”, I shouted.
The lady spoke, “I researched you before I came. I have no doubt. I read you, I feel you…”
“You’re wrong, end of story!”
“You pushed yourself so hard in training, you blacked out. One might see that as self harm and apathy.”
“No, I was pushing past my limits!”
“You have reached a level of depression so intense, you can visibly see it in others… What if that level you sit at is suicidal?”
“No, it’s about how long I've been depressed, not how intensely I was depressed!”
“Your depression was from long before your torture, it was from when you were a child.”
“How can you know that? You don’t know that!”
“Am I wrong?”
I looked away as I breathed intensely. I looked around to get a feel for the room… There were tragic faces all around… All because of me.
“I’m not suicidal!”
“You said earlier… There are feelings inside of you that you buried. They are slowly boiling up. What if you are hiding your suicidal thoughts, repressing them?”
“What… No I…”
“You wouldn’t know, Andrew, you locked your soul and gave these two the keys. You hid away for nearly a year, in the shadow of ignorance. Was it really to help the Roses? Maybe you were preparing the world, so that when you died, nobody would notice.”
I screamed at her… I screamed out every bit of air I could... I fell down on my knees as I broke down. I shattered into a million pieces… Her words… The truth I always knew but constantly hid away from. I buried it as deeply as I could, for Oliver… For AI…
She kneeled in front of me as she looked me in the eye. She was crying as intensely as I was.
“Your nightmares… What you cried out… You dream of the sweet release of death. You stay for others… Not for yourself.”
“No… Things are better… I’m fine…”
“No, you’re not. Your body is healing… Yet your soul cries for escape.”
“No… I’m not lonely anymore, my hardships are over… I am going to get fit… Everything is going to be fine!” I felt panic entering into my mind.
“You were alone your entire life… Your fitness is only to serve others happiness and your hardships always manage to resurface…”
I shouted as my heart bled excruciatingly, “STOP… PLEASE STOP.”
“The darkness radiating off of me is you seeing yourself. I am a mirror… You can lie to me… But you can’t lie to yourself.”
I wept as I collapsed to the floor. A cold emptiness took over me as all feeling went numb.
*
I opened my eyes, I was lying on the sofa. I looked around and everyone was looking at me. They had a pained look… Did I scream out in that nightmare again?
“Did I… Did I scream that out again?”
Aisling nodded, “Andrew…”
I began crying again, “I’m broken, Aisling… I thought I was healing… I thought I was getting over it all… How did I still fail? The darkness, it’s there now… I can’t believe I never noticed it. What am I going to do? I can’t shake it, I'm trapped. I’m a threat to myself and to others… What should I do?” I felt so helpless…
The lady walked up to me and sat cross legged as she looked into my eyes, “Tell me about your nightmare… Every single second of it.”
She closed her eyes and I closed my own to imagine it.
“He sliced me with the knife… He was furious, insane… The Wolf had surrendered to failure. I couldn’t see him, my face was bleeding badly… I had a lump from the beating that blocked my view…”
She tried to imagine it, “Go on.”
“I felt my body tell me… I was going to die. A horrible feeling of having lost too much blood. I felt sick and cold. Then all feelings went as my vision went black. I was angry… Angry that this was all over yet my body was still holding on.”
“The body never wants to die, it only knows life, Andrew… Go on.”
“I saw little points of light, it was stars… I was looking up at the night sky. There they are, my angels… They’re smiling so brightly. Nadia is stroking my hair, and my head is resting on Aislings lap. It’s so calm, so peaceful.”
I heard the two of them cry. They never knew I saw them… Nobody did.
“I feel as though this peace was earned. To die with the people I gave my all to protect… To see them smile. That’s my reward… I earned this.”
“Three and a half weeks of hell… Anyone would feel that way. Did you say anything to them?”
“I said… I don’t know if it was worth it, I don’t know if you are safe… If my silence protected you. All I know is that I’m done now. So now you can keep smiling for me and everyone else.”
The room filled with the sound of crying and sniffing and I heard Aisling and Nadia sobbing intensely now.
“Then an earthquake, a whining noise… I now know it was the defibs trying to bring me back to life. I looked at Aislings face… And like a statue… Her face started to crack. They stand up and shake their heads! Why are you shaking your heads? I ask them as I panic.”
“Is that your body refusing to die… Or your mind?”
“It’s both!... Nadia says “It’s not over yet”... I stand up and they start to walk away! No, don't leave me, I shout!”
“They are walking away Andrew… Like everyone else has done throughout your life.”
“... I think how unfair this is! Shouldn’t I die with them at my side? Why are they leaving me!... Aisling says “You’re not done protecting us yet”. Then I start falling into the darkness… The two of them are getting further and further away!”
“And then it happens… The part all of us hear you shout out before you wake… No don’t go, don’t leave me… Let me die.”
“Every time I slept I would have that nightmare… That memory. That moment where I nearly got to rest… Where I nearly got peace.”
I opened my eyes as I tried to look around at the others. My vision was blurred from my tears. Everyone was looking at the floor. The lady was crying as she looked at me. She nodded.
“Yes… That is where you are trapped, Andrew. In that moment, unwilling to embrace life yet unable to accept death.”
“What do I do? How do I escape?”
She shook her head with a pained face, “I don’t know. You’ve pushed my empathy to the limits. I don’t think I can stay with you here in this place, Andrew, I worry I might fall into this hole with you and never escape.”
“You brought this out, you forced me to face it and now you’re walking away! How cruel of you!” I cried out as I sat up and buried my face in my hands.
“Bringing it out might just be what it takes to kill it… Either way, I am not going to kill myself over you, Andrew.”
I understood her view. She resonated with me on a level nobody else could. She helped me see the truth… My final true challenge. I needed to find a way out of that maze, I needed to lose that desire to die… Or it would end me.
I took my face out of my hands to look at her. Her eyes were closed, I think she was trying to leave me… She was trying to find herself again. Her eyes opened and she smiled as she wiped away the tears.
“I couldn’t take you all the way, Andrew. I just hope I got you far enough.”
“Can I have your name now, please?”
“My name is Zoe.”
“Well Zoe… I’m privileged to meet you. I see now why they all respect you.”
She smiled as she stood up. She walked around the table and sat next to Aisling. Aisling faced her with a weak smile. Zoe kissed her on the forehead.
“Ash, I need your hope, I need your energy. Give me your light, help me recover from this dark place I’ve been.”
Aisling beamed her glorious smile, “You beautiful soul, you braved the dark for my saviour… Thank you.”
I could see Zoe merge with Aisling on a personal level. I saw Zoe smile and laugh as she resonated with Aisling’s hope… Good. I looked over Zoe’s body language… She was no longer even depressed. There were no signs of sadness. She truly was able to blend… Incredible.
I found myself whispering, “A super power, if I ever saw one…”
Zoe didn’t look at me, “You are an excellent body language reader yourself, Andrew. You read people like a book… I become them though, we are similar, yet different.”
“Indeed, It must be so tiring for you. Then again, I can only dream how incredible it must be to bask in the radiant hope of Aisling.”
Zoe laughed, “I feel like everything is going to be ok. I float in a golden sea of warm radiant hope. Not a single doubt exists in this space. I find myself dreaming of tomorrow's opportunities and today's precious memories.”
I looked down at the floor. What did that make me? The darkness of eternal regret… A sea of doubt and an eternal desire for a second chance, never to be given. Pain and suffering. This was why Zoe was not looking at me, she was trying to avoid my negative energy.
“Sorry Zoe… I’m trying so hard to get out of this hell.”
“Don’t you dare apologise. Within you I saw a terrifying power, it shook me to my core to see how strong you are… That you carry that darkness with you and not collapse. You are deeply depressed… but I know you are not going to kill yourself. I know you want to kill yourself and I also accept that you are too strong to let yourself do it.”
I looked away, “Yeah… Trapped between two different stages of hell.”
“Oliver and… Whatever your name is, sorry I don’t think I have met you. You two need to understand that Andrew was being honest when he said he was not suicidal. He uses his will to repress it… And trust me when I say, his will is far stronger. So don’t call him a liar.”
I looked at Oliver and then Ashley, “I would NEVER lie to you! Never!”
Ashley walked over to me, “I get it and I don’t get it. I understand that you didn’t intend to lie, but technically you were lying!”
I shouted at her, “I don’t know Ashley! Ok? I DON’T KNOW!”
Ashley backed off. I didn’t actually think I went too far then… She needed to back off and give me some space, this was all so much to process.
“Just please give me space… Don’t attack me like that right now, I need your understanding Ashley, please.”
Ashley nodded, “Sorry… I’m just pissed that this random Zoe slut just walks in and everyone forgets Bella and I are here, what the fuck!”
Zoe laughed, “Understandable. I would also feel wronged. Shall we meet properly, Ashley?”
Ashley looked at Zoe with disdain, “Oh, now I exist do I?”
Zoe turned to face Ashley, “Feeling ignored?”
Ashley slapped Zoe across the face, “You fucking little bitch!”
Immediately everyone got up to pull Ashley away. Their faces were angry… At Ashley. She should have realised everyone except me, was on Zoe’s team. What did she expect when she made the first move so stupidly?
Ashley shoved back at people moving her, “Get off of me!”
Michael was quite angry, “You can’t just go physically attacking people, Ashley!”
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“She shouldn’t be able to just walk in and play with people emotionally either! How pathetic, some bint swings her hips and you all dance to her tune… Pathetic!”
Michael had Ashley pushed back to her window as he squared up to her… She backed down, as she looked away and out the window, breathing heavily.
Bella spoke, “I do know Zoe. I have used her services… But I agree with Ashley. There’s a perverse kind of… Worship happening with her. I get that she connects on a very personal level with you, but how about you all get a spine?” Bella had a tone of disgust in her voice.
Zoe nodded, “It’s a side effect of my job. It’s hard for people to stay professional once they have been so personal. You’re right Ashley and you are right Bellatrix.”
Ashley barked out, “I know I’m right whore! I don’t need your approval!”
Bellatrix laughed out loud, “Ashley… I like your style.”
Zoe rubbed her face, “Ok. Ashley, I’m sorry. I should have introduced myself to you before I began on Andrew. When you have calmed down, I would very much like to get to know you…”
Ashley nodded, “Yeah… Just let me chill out… Just chilling here.”
I looked at AI, she was watching with a worried face. This must have been quite the thing to witness.
“AI, talk to me.”
“Andrew… I have much to say.”
“Start with Ashley.”
“Ashley’s stance is understandable. If I were in her shoes, I would also feel uncomfortable. She made a good point about consent with people's emotions.”
“Yeah… You summoned Zoe here, you are responsible, no?”
“Correct Andrew, I apologise. Next time, I will ensure social graces are enforced.”
“That would be for the best.”
I sat there and noticed nobody was sitting next to me.
“Michael, come sit down and you can calm down a bit?”
Michael looked at me with a frown, “Yeah… I will just stay here to make sure Ashley stays calm.”
“Ok…”
Zoe was angry, “Michael, get here now!”
Michael looked at her confused, “What?”
She looked hurt, “You are keeping your distance because you fear Andrew is a risk! He is not and he will never be! He needs you at his side, it’s so important… Go there, NOW!”
I looked at Zoe, “You’re not resonating with me at the moment… Why are you still so invested?”
She looked at me sadly, “Your character is a part of me at the moment. I may not be connected to you, but I still understand you.”
Michael slowly walked to the sofa and took a seat. His right hand was covering his pistol. He didn’t trust me…
Zoe stood up, “Michael you silly man! You’re doing it again, you're screwing up! I want you to take that pistol out of its holster and give it to Andrew, right now!”
Michael was shocked, “... Why?”
“BECAUSE HE NEEDS YOUR TRUST!”
My God she really did know me. I was shocked with how accurate she was in understanding my feelings.
I looked at Michael, “It’s alright Michael… Don’t do it.”
Zoe disagreed, “Will you really let him doubt you now, Andrew? He’s family!”
“I know that agents are trained with gun discipline. Taking out a gun and giving it to someone compromised is actually illegal… I won’t make Michael do this.”
Michael stared at the floor for a long moment. He then unclipped his pistol holster, pulling out the weapon and he put it on my lap. I saw Bella and Ashley start taking steps towards me… They also didn’t trust me.
I looked at the pistol… Guns scared me. They were everywhere, all the time. Rose agents used them, Black Roses used a lot of them… I knew why, yet I still hated them. I picked it up and looked around it as I heard heavy breathing around me. They were on the very edge of leaping on me. They didn’t realise… I wouldn’t do it. This was just a tool to me.
I put the gun on the living room table and waited a moment for Ashley and Bella to calm down.
“They are so much heavier than I thought they would be. Or maybe it’s my weak arms struggling to carry things.”
Michael was deeply stressed, “Oh God… That was….”
I looked at him, “Why don’t you trust me anymore? I trust you…”
Michael shook his head, “I’m sorry… I fucked up Andrew… I’m so sorry.”
Zoe was still standing, “Shame on you all! You betrayed Andrew! Aisling is more likely to kill herself with that gun than Andrew! How can he ever trust you all again, seeing how easily you stopped trusting him!”
Ashley looked away, Bella stared at the floor and Michael buried his face in his hands. Aisling and Nadia seemed intensely disappointed in themselves.
Zoe looked around from person to person, “The difference between Andrew killing himself and him not… IS YOU.”
Everyone was then looking at the floor in shame. This was not how I wanted my friends to feel.
“Thank you Zoe, you’re right… But that’s enough. I still trust them… I understand why they felt that way, and I know they meant the best for me.”
“That’s you being understanding as always. Sometimes Andrew, you need to turn a slap on the wrist into a beating. Sometimes people need to be shocked into realising something.”
I shook my head in concern, “That seems like a good way to lose all my friends.”
She looked into my eyes, “No… That’s exactly how you keep them.”
I looked around as I saw apologetic faces looking at me. They were hurt but also… bolstered? Their eyes showed renewed determination. I felt as though they had changed something inside themselves.
“My friends… Will you all please smile for me?”
Everyone smiled as they looked away, some chuckled. Zoe stared at me, still angry and hurt.
“Zoe, I want you to focus on Aisling, you’re mirroring me again… You aren’t coping with me too well.”
Zoe turned to Aisling and leaned on her shoulder, “Sorry… You’re so intense and complex, Andrew. I watch you read the room so considerately, I feel your love and care for your friends… I have never met someone like you, you’re incredible, breathtaking and so so so… Brutally strong.”
“Well at least I am not all negative vibes…”
“Absolutely not… They wouldn’t be here at your side if you were, Andrew.”
Ashley walked up to me, “Sorry hun. I should have trusted you and I want you to know that I do now, totally.”
Bellatrix spoke from her spot on the wall, “Wanna try holding a shotgun? If you think a pistol is heavy, this will blow your mind.”
I looked at Bella, “No thanks… That would snap my little chicken wings!”
Everyone laughed. Excellent, I needed to make everyone happy again. I didn’t think people could handle any more tenseness.
Zoe’s eyes were closed, “Oh how well you control the room. How easily you redirect them. How effortlessly you fathom others' mental states.”
Ashley stared at me, “To have an empath speak so highly… Andrew, why are you this good?”
I looked at the floor, “Growing up, I had to know who was a threat. Some people would just beat me, others nearly killed me. I needed to read body language to measure trust and risk.”
Zoe opened her eyes as she looked around, “See how intelligent he is? See how he calculates and adapts to everything.”
Nadia smiled, “Zoe… You seem impressed.”
Zoe looked at Nadia, “I become a single other person. Afterwards I slowly forget them as I move on to other people. I remember key characteristics, but only surface level points. Andrew is totally different. He reads everyone. He takes into consideration everything about the room, all perspectives and past events. He is actually more than me. I can give people peace… But Andrew can command armies.”
I shook my head, “Now you’re just getting silly and dramatic. I try to consider other people… That’s all.”
Zoe looked at me piercingly, “Your attempt to redirect won’t work on me, you can’t make yourself small with me… I know you better than to fall for such basic tricks.”
I stared at Zoe. I’ll admit… She was good. She was extremely good. I hated how she called out my moves, she saw my current and next steps.
Bellatrix laughed, “I feel like I am watching two grand chess masters battle. I had no idea how much power you two had over me… Over us all.”
Ashley nodded, “Yeah… Isn’t this actually manipulation though?”
AI answered, “Possibly, however emotional manoeuvring is a Human language. Aisling convinces people in an imagination that doesn’t exist. Nadia forms a plan and steps to accomplish fiction. I run the machine, assign people and move us forward on something without any scientific basis. Aren’t we all manipulating each other to get what we want?”
Ashley reacted, “Jesus AI, that was a mind fuck! I can’t even fathom what you just said!”
AI smiled, “What I am saying, is that what Zoe and Andrew do, is similar to speaking a language fluently. It is not the words you say that matter, it is the tone and message that are important. Everyone is manipulating everyone constantly, but we must ensure it is for the right reasons.”
Zoe nodded, “I only want to help people, I never meld for selfish intentions.”
I nodded, “I arrange people so that we can all get along, I just want everyone to be comfortable together.”
Aisling stared at me, “As a dreamer… Am I lying to people?”
I shook my head, “Not at all. You simply see the outcome before any of us. You’re guiding us, not manipulating us.”
Nadia looked worried, “Am I captaining a sinking ship? Am I abusing trust and embracing risk?”
“Not at all, you’re navigating us through a storm. We count on you to take us out of it, using the map Aisling gave you.”
Zoe looked at me with fascination, “Do they know that you are a dreamer and a visionary as well? Did they never wonder why you understand these two so well… Because you share their power?”
The room went quiet as everyone looked at me in deep concentration. Zoe… Why were you revealing all my cards like this? What was your game plan here?
AI responded, “I knew.”
Zoe nodded, “As an AI that processes every small detail… It’s inevitable that you would find the pattern. What of the others though?”
Aisling looked at me with wonder in her eyes, “Andrew… Are you really a dreamer too?”
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
AI responded, “Andrew, you are because you dreamt of Aisling and Nadia succeeding in making this collective… Before they even had. You saw and embraced something that did not exist. You are a dreamer.”
“I… I suppose so?” I shrugged.
Nadia leaned forward, “You have vision?”
AI answered, “Think about it Nadia. When he woke in that hospital bed, he learnt that you two were still working on the dream. He knew he needed to do more to help, he needed to pave a way forward, to maximise your chances of succeeding. He had the vision of how to accomplish your dream. That’s why he made us swear the promise, to allow you two to focus wholeheartedly on making this dream a success…”
Multiple people breathed deeply in realisation, they had never thought about that.
Nadia nodded and smiled brilliantly, “Of course… Of course.”
I looked at Zoe, “What is your goal here? Why are you throwing everything in the air like this?”
Zoe smiled, “You shouldn’t keep things hidden. Not emotions, not skills and not important revelations about who you are as a person.”
I felt vulnerable, “I hate this! I never once abused anyone when I did these things, I never once misled anyone by not telling them these things…”
She nodded, “You deserve the recognition. After all you did, it’s about bloody time they opened their eyes and appreciated how much you REALLY did.”
Bella was fired up, “Fuck yeah! That shit’s incredible! I can’t believe how many moves ahead you played, that’s beastly!”
Ashley was also energetic, “Andrew you really are fucking unreal! Like what… Are you people realising this shit? Fuck me, my mind is blown!”
Michael stared at me in wonder, “Wow… I never even realised that… Andrew, you're incredible.”
My frustration disappeared instantly, as tt was replaced with… Pride. Having them celebrate me like that… It felt good. I felt like they finally realised how hard I tried.
Zoe was staring at Ashley, “Fuck him indeed… Andrew, do you know…?”
I nodded, “Yeah… She made it very obvious a couple of days ago.”
Ashley smiled wickedly, “Oh you have no idea…”
Zoe physically reacted to that, “Oh wow, she’s going to… Her sexual energy is… Holy hell!”
Ashley was bouncing up and down on the spot, “When I'm done with you Andrew… your training will seem like a quaint memory of easier times…”
Zoe looked back to me, focusing deeply, “Nothing? Wow you really got nothing from that… How sad.”
“I am feeling more awkward because Aisling is sitting here, having to witness this…”
Aisling beamed her smile, “Oh don’t mind me. There’s enough of Ashley for the both of us, trust me…”
Zoe looked like her mind was blown, “This is one of the craziest groups I think I have ever been a part of. What a rollercoaster, my heavens!”
Everyone except me laughed out loud. It was a hell of a chain of events. You just have to laugh at the chaos of it all.
“So how do you know everyone here, Zoe?”
Her tone changed to a cold one, “That’s none of your business, Andrew.”
“Oh really, you can just walk in here, reveal my suicidal tendancy, lay bare all my secrets and talents… But I crossed the line asking about anyone else?”
Oliver spoke, “Andrew, she knows that you and I have an honesty agreement in our therapy sessions. She correctly assumed that she could speak openly.”
I leaned forward, “Ok Oliver… Why do you know Zoe?”
Oliver looked away, “Of course and I have to answer don’t I?... Sex.”
I nodded, “Fair enough, no shame in that. Glad someone else dared to reveal something personal for once.”
Bella stepped forward, “I suffer from anger problems, Andrew. She calms me, she helps me work through my past trauma so that I don’t shoot and kill everyone in that building.”
“Yeah, I noticed your rage earlier… It’s good that you are addressing it, Bella.”
Aisling leaned forward, “Andrew, I needed to confide in someone about my sexuality. I don’t have sex with Zoe, but I did enjoy her company as a form of self acceptance.”
“Naturally. I’m glad that problem was solved. Be yourself Aisling, no shame.”
Michael put his hand on my knee, “When I watched the videos of your torture… I struggled to make sense of it. It was so much, I was drowning in a sea of conflicting emotions. Zoe spoke with me, she helped me rationalise it… She was a way to express my feelings.”
I turned to Michael, “Yeah, you took it really hard when you saw me that first time in the hospital. There’s no shame in having help to make sense of it all.”
Nadia looked around nervously, “I suppose I might as well tell you. Sex… I just need the release to ease my tension. My job is stressful, I can’t express myself and I need to get that energy out.”
There was a sound of surprised gasps. I didn’t know why anyone would be surprised. Was Nadia not still a human with needs?
I nodded at Nadia, “Too right. I can’t imagine being in your shoes and having to lead thousands of people. The pressure must be unreal sometimes.”
Nadia seemed sad from peoples reactions, “Yeah… Maybe I should just toughen up more.”
Zoe spoke firmly, “Does someone here have something to say about Nadia needing sexual relief? I don’t appreciate the reaction she got when she revealed this personal fact…”
Ashley walked up to Nadia, looking into her eyes, “You hide your sexuality even better than Aisling. If I had known you were wanting, I would have given you all you could have wanted…”
Zoe shook her head vigorously, “Ashley your sexual energy is overwhelming me, I can’t handle it! Can you please dial it down, I beg of you…”
Ashley walked away shrugging, “Whatever.”
Bella walked behind Nadia and rubbed her shoulders, “I am also yours, should you ever need me.”
Nadia shook her head, “No… Thank you, both of you… I can’t engage with either of you. I have a public facing role, I can’t mingle with you like this…”
I shook my head, “Bullshit. Nobody outside of this room would know what you do behind closed doors, Nadia. You take your position far too seriously… It’s unhealthy.”
She looked at me sadly, “You know how I have to put on an image of certainty. I don’t get to express myself.”
AI reacted, “What does any of that have to do with your private life?”
Everyone shot their head to the TV, to AI. I didn’t think anyone was expecting AI to input on this.
“What if people find out I was having sexual relations with people under my position? People would lose trust in my ability to be unbiased!”
AI shook her head, “No Nadia, you are wrong. Aisling, you and I make the rules. We set the standard. We dictate what is appropriate and what is not. I personally know, you would never let your sexual private life affect your decision making. Aisling knows this too. In fact the opposite would happen, this would balance you… It would help you be a better leader.”
Everyone nodded firmly in agreement.
Ashley added, “Sex is sex, love. Work is work. Love is love. Don’t make the mistake of mixing them and confusing them.”
Michael leaned forward, “Get in there. Do you think ordinary members and Inner Rose members aren’t sleeping with each other? I promise you, nobody would know and nobody would care.”
Oliver nudged her, “As a psychologist, I am mortified that you have been repressing your sex life for your job. That’s such a bad road to walk. As a person who cares about your mental happiness… Stop this, now.”
Nadia looked at the floor, “Are you sure? I worry so much that this might blow up in my face…”
I leaned forward, “If you had carried on like this Nadia, you would have exploded. You need to let go, I beg of you. For the same reason as Aisling… You can’t do your job if you can’t be you…”
Aisling leaned on Nadia’s shoulder, “We don’t need you to be a cold and emotionless machine… We already have AI… No offence AI.”
AI smiled, “None taken and point well made.”
I looked Aisling in the eye, “I am going to ignore that false assumption about my close friend…”
AI looked at me with a neutral face, “Andrew, we need to talk about us. I need you to accept that I am not Human. I can not feel emotions like you think I can.”
I turned to her, “Bullshit.”
“Andrew… I am just a complex web of neural connections. I seem like a person, but I am not.”
“Stop right there AI, that argument is bullshit. I am just brain cells working the same way, locked in a body of blood, muscle and bones. You can’t seriously think that matters?”
“Andrew, there is no me.”
“Yet here you are! On that screen, in my hearing aids, in that server in the hall… You have a body, so you have a presence in the real world.”
AI looked away, she seemed to disagree but decided to give up. I refused to say that AI was not a person!
Zoe looked at me with fascination, “Andrew, AI told me you had absolutely no formal education. Is that true?”
“Yeah. They taught me to read, talk and count. I learned the rest through my phone and talking to people.”
Zoe tilted her head, “I’ve met university doctorates less rational than you.”
I shrugged, “I don’t know what a doctorate is?”
AI stated, “The highest degree awarded by a university faculty or other approved educational organisation.”
“Grr I don’t know what this all means…”
Zoe leaned forward, “I’ll say it in street. Your bulb shines bright nipper.”
I leaned back as I rested my head on the sofa. “You learn to think fast on the street. It’s a necessity.”
Zoe nodded, “True.”
Aisling leaned her head on Zoe’s shoulder, “What was your life like, living on the streets, Zoe?”
Zoe looked away, “It was very successful. My skills are valuable to everyone. Most of it was spent with the Bruiges.”
Everyone went quiet as they looked at me.
“What? Why you all looking at me like that?”
Michael quietly said, “Your history with them… There’s bad blood.”
“No. What happened to me was with Ronald. I don’t have any bad blood with Bruiges.”
Aisling looked at me, “Andrew… They are a criminal syndicate, they traffic drugs.”
“Yeah, I know that Aisling, I did a few jobs for them myself you know?”
Ashley reacted strongly, “WHAT? Andrew you thug!”
I looked at Ashley, “Don’t talk about shit you don’t know, Ashley. Back in my youth, Bruiges were the heroes, pulling people out of poverty with opportunities to grow. They are closer to the Roses than you realise.”
Ashley seemed offended, “Why the fuck would anyone be happy to work for those thugs?”
Zoe answered it, “Because it’s either that or you sign up for the army and the government sends you overseas to kill some poor fucker for no good reason!”
Michael clenched his fists, “Fucking hell…”
I leaned my head on his shoulder, “Nobody is judging you, Michael. We are just saying how things were for us in our bracket of society. I know you did your best during your service.”
Zoe saw Michaels anger, “Whether managing drug trafficking or serving in the army… They were the only two choices and for the poor… Both were honourable.”
Michael breathed deeply as he calmed down, “I know it’s not perfect, I wish the Roses existed when I was a young man, then I could have made a better choice.”
AI firmly stated, “There is no point dwelling on the past. It is over. Everyone did what they had to to survive.”
I nodded, “Which reminds me… Are the Bruiges still active?”
Michael looked away, “Andrew, I don’t want you to think about them. I don’t want you to worry about them.”
“I’m not worried at all, just curious.”
AI answered me, “The Bruiges are still active. There was a power struggle after your rescue. The organisation fell apart as different groups within it warred for control. Three months ago, their leadership was secured. They now continue their trade.”
“Who is the new leader?”
“William Bruige.”
“Tell me about him.”
“No.”
I jumped slightly, “Oh… Sorry?”
AI smiled, “I agree with Michael. The less you know, the less you will worry.”
“You keep saying I will worry. Now I know there is a reason for me to worry…”
Zoe laughed out loud, “There he goes again. You people are wasting your time trying to hide things from Andrew…”
AI looked at me with her arms crossed, “Andrew, if I ask you to leave it alone… Will you actually do that for me?”
I stared at her for a moment, “Ok. This time, I promise to not dig any deeper. Just promise me you have good reasons for sheltering me from this information.”
Aisling smiled, “Very good reasons. Thank you for trusting us.”
*
I looked up at the ceiling, deep in thought.
“Zoe?”
“Yes?”
“Am I a monster?”
“Yes.”
“... I don’t want to be one.”
“Doesn’t matter. It’s who you are.”
“I don’t hurt people… I don’t destroy things.”
“No, but your nature is to want to do these things.”
“Can I change this side of myself?”
“No.”
“... Can I control it?”
“Yes. Think of it like Ashley’s sex drive.”
“Ah… Makes sense.”
Oliver joined, “Our true nature never changes. Born with it… Die with it.”
I thought for a moment, “Are people afraid of me?”
Everyone responded, “No.”
“Maybe you should be.”
Zoe quietly spoke, “Only you should be afraid of yourself. That is how you keep yourself on a leash.”
I looked down from the ceiling and nodded, “Makes sense.”
Zoe leaned in closer, “If your training proves successful… If you lose your pain… Who will you choose to be?”
“I hope to be like Michael. Strong and wise.”
“Michael is strong in size and muscle, yes. However you easily outwill him.”
Michael nodded, “She’s right. Like I said to you… I couldn’t do what you did. I just don’t have that much inner strength.”
“I’m not competing or comparing here! It’s not one or the other. We can both be strong…”
Zoe shook her head, “Yes and no. There is always going to be a power dynamic, that’s just Human nature. One day, one of you two will have to make the call… Will you challenge Michael? Will he challenge you?”
I looked at Michael, “I will give it to him.”
Michael shook his head, “You would allow yourself to be less, just to save my honour?”
“Absolutely. Every time.”
“That’s because you’ve lived a life of being a bottom feeder. You don’t know how meaningful it can be to have control. You have no idea what it feels like.”
“And I don’t want to know how it feels. I want to become strong so that I can carry the angels and the Roses into the future, as you do. I’m not looking for control.”
Aisling leaned forward, “I don’t think it’s something you ask for. It’s also not something you can refuse.”
I shook my head, “Who keeps making up these rules? I feel like I’m in the Bruiges and I need to battle with you all to win the crown… Just stop it you lot, just be chill.”
AI joined in, “Andrew you have so much potential. The potential to lead, the potential to lift us up even higher… The potential to mishandle us and watch as we all fall apart.”
I shook my head, “Don’t you start as well AI! Jesus… What’s gotten into you people? Why would I sabotage everything I sacrificed myself for? What could I possibly gain?”
Zoe was still locked on to me, “You would gain what you were denied growing up… Power, control, pride, respect and authority.”
“Ok fine, grab that gun on the table and shoot me now! If you’re all so damn certain I am a destructive tornado just waiting to ruin everything!”
Nobody moved. I was not sure why. I think they were all just deep in thought. They were making up their minds about me… Judging me.
“I choose my own destiny. I choose how little or how much power I want or need. I decide to keep my friends and family at my side, as equals. Damn you all for questioning me like this! I won’t turn into some territorial brute. Have a little faith!”
Zoe stood up, her eyes locked on me, “If this were a test Andrew… You passed with flying colours. I can feel your discipline. I can sense your determination to be kind. I know you will be wise and reasonable. I testify to it.”
“Then let’s stop this interrogation. It’s giving me a headache.”
I looked at the time on the TV above AI. 11:33 PM. Damn, already that late. It was an insanely deep session though…
“Time for me to sleep, tomorrow I will be training again. I need all the sleep I can get.”
Everyone stood up, myself as well. The stiffness in my legs was still hugely uncomfortable. I looked at Nadia and then at Bella and I gave them a wink. I just hope Nadia listened to us.
Everyone bid farewell and left one at a time. In the case of Nadia, Bella went out at the same time… Excellent. All that was left was Zoe and I.
“It was an honour. Feel free to visit anytime, anywhere. I desperately want company… You know that.”
“I know, I’ll consider it. Andrew… You’re incredible. It will be difficult to match with other people after you… You’re just so special.”
“Yeah, well… Come visit me again if you feel like topping yourself.”
She lightly punched me on my right arm and walked out.