John held me on his arms all afternoon.

I’m pregnant again.

Mother said it to me.

The woman of our clan give birth first to weak children, them to stronger and stronger ones.

The strongest child is born when the cycle is nearing its end.

 It’s a secret, even amongst the people of our race.

Because of what happened to some woman in the past, because of how they were forced to give children to the world.

When the world still liked geniuses.

When we were still regarded as living treasures.

But the world doesn’t see us like this anymore. And so our power, which used to be a curse, is now even more of one.

And I was careless.

The child born after Alvin…

My son or daughter…

How much more powerful than him will you be?

How much suffering will you have to endure?

I should have kept myself from John. Just a little earlier.

Mother said our fertile cycles are a mystery even for the older woman of our race. For some people they seem to come every three years, for others it doesn’t come for fifty years and then one day they are fertile.

But this is no excuse. I had been this feeling for a couple months now. That something would happen.

Still, I couldn’t deny John.

I’m just afraid.

Afraid that I will lose him.

Afraid that he is secretly like all other man in this village.

Afraid that he is just normal for doing what most of my friends and all of their husbands did when they couldn’t find satisfaction back home.

How many of the children who have come to my house were actually bastards? Sons of another fathers which were accepted in the family due to a clever trick?

How many of them could be actually John’s?

I shouldn’t doubt my husband. I shouldn’t doubt his love for me. I love him dearly, with all of my heart, and even mother said he would never cheat me.

Because of the Course of the Stars or something.

More of mother’s ramblings.

I cannot cheat him, but we are abnormal.

Isn’t it possible that this “course” thing doesn’t apply to them, but only to us?

So I give in and allowed John to sleep with me.

I won’t say I didn’t like it. Even the scent of his sweat is sweet to me.

But I shouldn’t have done it. Not when I was feeling that weird feeling. Not when I wasn’t sure it was okay.

If we had waited just a bit more.

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My cycle started with Ann, fourteen years ago.

Then after her birth it was seven years without any surprises.

Seven long years, until I was pregnant with Jacen.

Then, just two years after he was born, I came pregnant with Alvin.

We remained abstinent for a while, but when Alvin completed three, I didn’t felt I had any excuses anymore.

One more year, just for precaution since these things aren’t written in stone.

Cycles come and go, sometimes they are shorter, sometimes they are longer.

If we had waited one more year, this wouldn’t have happened.

Am I not a failure as a mother? As a wife?

As a human being?

…

Am I even human?

…

John’s still whispering nice things to me.

I really love this man.

Someone is knocking on the door.

“Alice, darling, it’s me.”

“Come in….”

Mother entered the room and sat at the edge of the bed. She is patting my head.

“How is Alvin?”

“He is fine dear. He is cultivating a bit.”

“Cultivating?”

“Yes. This is how he managed to breakthrough. He seems to be a dreamer.”

A dreamer. Someone who learns real things from his dreams.

So he isn’t a Destined after all. Still… does this means my child will be one…

I rubbed my belly a bit. Mother put her hand on top of mine.

“Don’t worry. It won’t happen. Your child won’t be like Alvin. She will be like Jacen.”

“She?”

Mother… does she know something I don’t?

She patted my hand lightly.

“Your old mother may keep some secrets, but she loves you. So don’t worry about the child. She will be fine.”

“Thank you.”

“Now sleep a bit.”

“What about Alvin’s training?”

“…. Let’s start tomorrow.”

Mother… seems anxious. No, that’s not the answer.

Mother is… insecure?

Mother, insecure.

“Mother?”

“It’s fine dear. It’s just… he knows some things I didn’t expect for him to know. But I can work with it. Don’t worry. Just rest, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Goodnight you both.”

“Goodnight.”

And so I went to sleep.

In my house, cuddling with my husband, with my mother and father next to me. Knowing my children are safe just a few meters away.

There are no elders with torches here.

It’s fine. It’s fine…