Goblins can be troublesome creatures if you don’t weed for them often.

Finding their exact location in the house proved to be a little trickier than I liked. The little scamps loved making things difficult for others and went out of their way to be unhelpful to their potential pursuers.

According to the Gore Grimoire, my helpful guide to understanding the various species that shared this world with me, there was a breed of magic wielding goblins of the shaman class who could mask their presence within a home and make it extremely difficult to pin them down.

Spells that masked their scents and cost your attention to waver when you tried to focus on them, aided by their naturally sneaky nature. With such a combination in effect, it could be downright impossible for a person of average skill to locate them.

It sounded like a challenge to me.

You may have been wondering what it was that made me think of Goblins to begin with. After all, there’s no shortage of supernatural prey capable of disguising its presence and using magic. These aren’t difficult tricks in the slightest if you possess even a spark of intelligence. Kobolds were one such example, as were serpent men. No, what brought goblins to my mind was a sense of familiarity and terror that exuded throughout the house. Especially the sensation of terror.

I don’t wish to sound like a bully or anything of the sort, but when I first arrived in this world, I’d spend quite a bit of time harvesting the little fiends for experience points to level up my class. I’d done such a thorough job of it that I’d earned a system title for my efforts: [Butcher of Gobkind.] Butcher titles were something you earned when you were especially effective at eliminating certain types of monsters. And killing goblins was something that I’d been very good at.

Now, here in Kendall and Andy’s home, a familiar sensation of horror began to ebb around me. One which I hadn’t experienced for a few short years. It felt almost nostalgic even though it hadn’t really been that long ago. The bitter hatred of helpless goblins falling before me and my spear. Their cavernous lairs filling with screams of terror and pain as I gleefully mowed them down one after the other in pursuit of loot and amusement.

Oh, and justice too.

Mustn’t forget the part about justice. That’s an important aspect of character development. Otherwise, I would have just been slaughtering them for amusement and self-enrichment, and that would have made me look bad. The image you outwardly project is important when you’re trying to reinvent yourself. It’s important for others to see that I’m not some blackhearted sadist who derives enjoyment from his violence. That’s not the sort of attitude that gets you invited out for drinks and dancing.

Don’t spend too much time pitying the poor goblins for the losses they suffered. I assure you; they were murderous fools who had it coming. I’d wasted so much time trying to convert them to my side, thinking it would be useful to have servants who were native to this world to provide me with some useful guidance. But time and again, the various goblin tribes I encountered proved themselves to be covetous and short-sighted, wishing only to murder and steal.

Over time, I gradually began to loath them. I doubt anyone would blame me for it. These were beings that could test the patience of a saint. I suspected that even the system itself despised their wretched behavior. It offered more titles and awards for disposing of them than for any other species of monster.

Just how awful would your entire species have to be for there to be a cosmic bounty placed on it? Pretty damn awful, that’s what I say. And please remember, I’m a vampire. I know a little about being an awful creature by design.

Still, I was curious to learn how a tribe of goblins had found their way into Gardenia. That was a question that needed answering. For beings of such remarkably low intelligence to have discovered a means of bypassing the mystical defenses of one of the kingdom’s three great cities was a remarkable achievement. Or the proof that they were under the thrall of a dangerous new leader.

I was also impressed by Andy’s achievement in noticing their presence. Even with the use of my Butcher title, I could only feel a hint of their emotional presence. For Andy to be so sensitive to their presence that he could hear them speaking while they were cloaked from sight, was remarkable. The boy must have been incredibly gifted. Such sensitivity to the presence of the supernatural was the hallmark of a truly talented hunter. Was that what had driven him to seek me out when so many others scorned the use of my services? I wouldn’t have been surprised to learn if that was the truth.

What a waste it would be if the boy fell into the criminal habits of his family. Not that the laws of man were of any concern to me, but in Andy’s case, his talents could lead him to great places in life. Why live with the daily uncertainty of an outlaw, when he could know the peace and plentitude of nobility?

Perhaps I should have a discussion with his parents in the future. They were clearly unaware of the magnitude of his talent. I should make them aware of it as soon as possible. We wouldn’t want him to turn out like his Aunt Kendall, would we?

Vexing woman.

“What are you doing now?” she asked.

Look at her. Asking questions of me as though moments earlier she hadn’t deliberately run me through with a piece of kitchen cutlery. In my youth, I might admired that level of boldness in in a stranger, but as the years went by, I found such behavior increasingly intolerable.

“I’m trying to pinpoint the positioning of my prey,” I said quietly. “Andy was right. There’s something in your home.”

“Are you serious?” Kendall asked in alarm.

“Yes,” I assured her. “I’m being very serious. It’s not a good thing that a child was the only one to notice that his home had been breached. Now I need to seek out the invaders’ lair within your dwelling.”

“This can’t be right,” Kendall insisted. “We’re directly under the dome. Nowhere near the outskirts where shit like that goes down. You have to be mistaken.”

“I don’t believe I am,” I replied. Then a sudden thought occurred to me.

“This place is such a mess,” I said to myself thoughtfully.

“I get it, okay?” Kendall said defensively. “But it’s hard to keep up with.”

“I’m not criticizing you,” I said placatingly. “I’m examining a clue. You haven’t been ignoring cleaning the house at all, have you? It just seems to it gets cluttered on its own, doesn’t it?”

“All the damn time,” she confessed with an embarrassed shrug. “Feels like I spend half my day cleaning this place up, only for it to be a mess again by the time I’m finished. Makes me so angry sometimes that I can’t speak.”

“Like someone’s playing a trick on you,” I said. “Goblins thrive on such pitifully petty behavior. Quick question: What’s the one area in the house you spend time cleaning the most?”

A scowl crept across the young woman’s face before she answered. “The basement. Andy’s parents had it refurbished into a nice family room. He and his friends play down there when they spend the night. But lately it’s been impossible to keep straightened up. Even when I lock it up for the night and forbid anyone to go down there, it’s still somehow a complete pigsty by the morning.”

The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

“Okay,” I said with a pleased nod. “So, it’s the basement we want. Lead me there.”

“What are you going to do?” she asked as I followed her through the kitchen and down a winding set of stairs to the very bottom of the house.

“What else? I’m helping you to evict some trespassers. It's the neighborly thing to do after all.”

“Please don't destroy my sister’s house,” Kendall said fearfully.

“I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you say such a hurtful thing,” I said disdainfully. “I'm a professional and professionals don't run around carelessly destroying other people's property without a good reason. Just show a little trust and watch the results, okay?”

“Okay,” Kendall said reluctantly.

“Excellent,” I said enthusiastically. “But you know, just in case, grab Andy and wait outside for a few minutes. I'll let you know when it's safe to come back in.”

“But you said you weren’t going to destroy anything,” she said.

“Yeah, I’m not! But I can hardly control what other people do, can I? Use your head.”

“You said you were a professional!” she yelled.

“I am! But it’s an exciting new field where we’re still discovering all the rules! You have to give me a little leeway to experiment instead of bleakly assuming that everything is going to go wrong,” I said haughtily.

“Don’t break my sister’s house!” Kendall repeated.

“People who stab me don’t get any guarantee!”

Cursing to herself in a language I didn’t recognize, Kendall stomped back up the basement stairs, grabbed Andy, and took him with her to wait outside along with all her unconscious neighbors.

Honestly. Can you believe her? Attempting to murder me one moment and then trying to give me orders the next? From which eldritch dimension did the younger generations acquire their outrageous levels of self-confidence and boldness? How did they avoid dying from sheer shame? Was shame even a modern emotion? Had it fallen away like a vestigial organ? A discarded relic of a bygone age? Something for the minds of academia to ponder over out of curiosity before moving on to more important research?

Damned if I knew. I just found her attitude annoying.

__

I marched into the center of the living room and sat down on the carpeted floor, lotus style. Then I clapped my hands on top of my knees and announced, “I know you’re here. No more hiding! I’m sure everyone here has things to we’d rather be doing so I’d consider it a great help if we could all just get this over with.”

Dead silence ensued.

Okay, well, it wasn’t like I hadn’t expected that. Instead of frowning at their rudeness, I instead summoned Orby from my pocket and had him float just bellow the ceiling of the basement where he patiently waited for my next command.

“Now, my little friends, I just want you all to know that what’s about to happen next is completely your fault for refusing to cooperate. You may be tempted to blame me for the injuries you’re about to receive, but don’t bother. That being said, however, I’m perfectly willing to allow you to change the course of this evening by presenting yourself before me and kneeling in submission before I finish counting down to zero. So, how about it, everyone? Can we make it happen or am I living in a dream? I’ll begin the countdown. Ten…nine…eight…”

When I reached seven, a nasty little spear stabbed itself through my back and erupted through my chest, pushing me forward to lie facedown and bleed out on the carpet. Not fun. I next felt a foot push down on my back as the weapon was wretched free of me.

Around the room, I heard vicious laughter being shared by a group and frowned in disappointment. As a man of the modern age, it wounds me to generalize other groups of people. But now it appeared that I had been wounded due to my refusal to generalize. Did that make any sense? I thought it did.

As always, the world was quick to admonish me for my gentle nature. Oh, Kyler, you silly romantic. When will you ever stop hoping for the best in others? It’s only going to get you impaled from behind for the amusement of a tittering gang of goblins in a musty little basement.

I really did need to stop being such a little softy. Which was why I had Orby fire needle-thin tendrils of blood from his center which embedded themselves in everything around him in a perfect three-hundred-sixty degree range of sight. It didn’t matter if the goblins were masked from sight. Invisibility can’t protect you from a saturation bombing.

The goblins screamed in pain as my blood was fired into their twisted little bodies and howled in agony as it began making little changes in their physiology that made them more susceptible to my way of thinking. It wasn’t enough to make them into my lesser kin; I didn’t wish for any goblin thralls lurking around the periphery of my conscious mind. The notion of their thoughts intertwining with mine made me shudder.

But it did make it extremely painful for them to resist my questions or to attack me. It was less about taking away their free will, which would have been a terrible thing to do to someone, and more about letting them know that choices have consequences, and the consequence of defying me was now unrelenting agony.

As I stood back up, a small blue screen visible only to my eyes warned me that my hunger meter was currently at [3/9.]

Yes, I have a hunger meter.

What? Are you saying you don’t?

It was one of many mechanics granted to me in this game-inspired world that let me easily keep track of my resources and weaknesses. Although I found the specificity of the numbers questionable at times, they were still useful in a general sort of way. My hunger being level three meant I was still in good shape for the evening. But if it ever reached nine, it meant I was in a ravenous state and would mindlessly kill anything I came across out of a desperate need to assuage my appetite.

A veritable glucometer for the soul.

The easiest way to bring it down would be to either feed on others or change into my human form and glut on whatever I could stuff myself with. Either way, it was easily controlled. With the goblin who’d wounded me now lying helplessly on his back, I made a small gesture with my hand that caused him to shriek in anguish as the blood erupted from his body and coalesced into a new blood orb, which I then popped into my mouth and swallowed whole.

Very refreshing.

“I regret having to do that, but I’m sure we can all agree he brought that upon himself,” I said languidly to my captive audience. “As you all now see, I’m not the sort who dies easily. Resisting me won’t do you an ounce of good. So, do yourselves a favor and answer my questions. Or else you’ll end up like this poor fellow.”

I nudged the dead goblin with the tip of my shoe to illustrate my point.

“What do you want to know?” asked one of them.

“Do you speak for this clan?” I asked him.

“Gut-splitter was our leader,” he said bitterly. “You just killed him.”

“Well, I’m he was a splendid fellow,” I said with a shrug. “A name like that suggests to me that he was an artist at heart. Probably loved picking flowers.”

“How dare you mock him! Damnable hunter! Monster! Fiend! By what black magic do you assail us?”

“Hey, I wouldn’t call it black magic,” I said. “More like red hued.”

“You are the worst!”

“How can that possibly be so? He stabbed me in the back!” I said, as I began to feel offended.

“What do you want to know?” the goblin repeated furiously.

Oh, he was no fun.

“How many clans are there in this city of humans?” I asked him, jumping straight to the point.

“We Tooth-pickers are the only ones I know of,” he said. “We dwelled in a large cavern far below for centuries, safe from larger predators as well as the humans and their damned hunters. Long before they built Gardenia above our heads and unwittingly trapped us in the earth.”

“You mean to say that beneath our feet is a hidden goblin civilization that no one knows about?” I asked, feeling genuinely impressed.

“Yes,” the goblin said. “It is bountiful in the resources our people need, but blessedly free of the pestilence of man. We lived there in peace for uncounted years, living the old ways, free of the strange magics of this world until the invaders came.”

“Invaders?” I asked.

“Make your threats, hunter! I will speak no further of them!”

“Okay, kill you and then ask the next guy. Got it,” I said with a nod.

“Wait! No! I submit!” the goblin wailed.

“Yeah, I thought you might,” I said with a smirk. “Go on.”

“They appeared from nowhere,” the goblin said bitterly. “Humans, but not humans. Not hunters like you. Strange. Not a large group of them either, but so unrelenting. No matter how hard we fought, no matter how many warriors we threw at them, it wasn’t enough. We couldn’t stand against their unnatural power. Like you, they would not properly submit to death. Humans can’t do anything right!”

“It’s a known flaw in our design,” I said.

“We resisted for as long as we could before our great chieftain Boulder-break commanded us to retreat while he stayed behind with the remnants of our army to hold them back. That was weeks ago.”

“And this handful is all that remains of you?” I asked.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he scoffed. “We’re scattered everywhere throughout this wretched city. Thousands of us! We long only to return to the great cavern and forget this nightmare ever occurred!”

“That many of you, eh?” I said as I weighed his words and considered my options. “What a mess it would be if others caught on to your existence. The paranoia alone would be nightmarish. People wondering if Goblins could be dwelling beneath their homes, getting their filthy hands everywhere. It wouldn’t be pretty.”

“But what can be done?” lamented my captive. “It’s inevitable unless we find a way to deal with these invaders.”

“Yes,” I said as I nodded in agreement. “It certainly sounds like a situation in need of…resolving.”

Ouch. That was a terrible line.

Well, whatever. I was enjoying myself.