A mile north of the Narrows, there came a sound like thunder as two objects came plummeting from the sky and crashed violently to the earth, leaving destructive flame in their wake as they smashed deep furrows through the soil.

For a time, the two smoking craters remained perfectly still. But after a while, the occupants of each one began to groan in discomfort and slowly dislodge themselves from the terrain.

“Heh. That experience was painful. That hurt worse than seeing a happily married ex,” the first stranger said as he pulled himself out of his crater and climbed unsteadily to his feet on a more stable surface. “That landing was killer. Took me a whole ten minutes to knit myself back together. I was spattered all over the place worse than the punchline to a dead baby joke.”

The man, although that was in appearance only, was a thin, youthful looking fellow with curly brown hair that framed a face of sharp, angular dimensions. Although he wasn’t unattractive, there was an aspect to his grin that belied his friendly appearance. A brittleness to it that suggested hunger instead of humor, with disturbing eyes the color of tarnished brass.

As he stretched his nude body, it seemed that fibers and fabrics began to spring forth from his flesh, slowly wrapping themselves around him in adornment. Before long, he was fully clothed in a deliberately mismatched outfit over his thin frame, topped with a checkered suit jacket.

“Aww! Why would anyone joke about something like that?” asked a second voice as something scurried forth before him and began using its small pink hands to wipe dirt off its nose and whiskers. It was a white rat wearing a bowler cap on its head and a vest over its chest. Although small in general, it was still large for its size.

“I’m feeling sad just thinking about it,” he said. “I got like ninety nephews and nieces. I’d be wrecked if anything happened to them.”

“It’s human instinct to mine tragedy for comedy,” the first speaker said as he reached down to gently pet his companion. “By laughing at our pain, we realize the absurdity of our existence. It’s even better though if you can learn to laugh at the suffering of others.”

“Max is that true or is that more of that psychotic rambling that makes everyone regret talking to you?” asked the rat as it scrambled up its friend’s pants leg and took a seat on his shoulder. “I really can’t tell. The boss says you like being edgy.”

Of course, that hypocritical little brat would lob an accusation like that, thought Max darkly.

“Well, that’s because you’re a pure and humble soul, Matty,” said Max fondly. “You’re proof positive that intelligence doesn’t determine destiny. If I had a million people like you to vote for me, I could have run for president.”

“Can rats vote where you come from?” asked Matty.

“As a matter of fact, they cannot! It’s a rigged system, I tell you.” Max replied.

“I don’t like that! That’s discriminatory!” said Matty the rat, angrily.

“Sadly, the nation of discrimination will never permit its rodent population a voice in public policy,” said Max. “You can have a rat in every home, but never at the polls! But fear not, my good vermin friend. Because I aim to change that one day by changing the people.”

“Changing them into what?” asked Matty.

“Corpses mostly. And things that wish they were corpses,” said Max with a snicker. “I’ve got a vision for the future, pal! Wanna be my running mate? We’ll slay on the campaign trail.”

“I think I’d have to check with the boss first,” said Matty uncertainly. “She doesn’t like it when I spend too much time around you. She says you’re a bad influence.”

“Yeah? Well, she’s one to talk! But out of mild curiosity, what exactly does she say?” asked Max.

“Uh, that you can’t focus on anything, that she hates you, that you greatly annoy her, that she’ll make you suffer like no one ever has if you piss her off one more time, that your jokes aren’t funny—"

“My jokes aren’t funny?!” gasped Max.

“I don’t know! I guess?” said Matty.

“Aw, she doesn’t mean it. She and I are friends,” Max said confidently. “Besides, we’re not doing anything wrong here. We’re just facilitating the conclusion of some unfinished business.”

“What’s that mean?” asked Matty.

“We’re gonna go re-kill this Stragos guy,” Max said. “It’s a special request from our client. We need to keep our clients pleased, Matty. If we don’t, they won’t become repeat business.”

“Yeeeeah, sure. That’s why you’re doing this,” Matty said sarcastically. “For good customer service.”

“And just what are you implying there, Rizzo?” asked Max darkly.

“I saw the way you were looking at that Veronique lady,” Matty said chidingly. “Like she was aged sharp cheddar!”

“What? Stop comparing everything to food, you gluttonous hamster,” Max said as he poked Matty hard in his round belly. “No wonder you have an eating disorder.”

“I do not!” protested Matty.

“You do too! I once saw you picking a half-eaten sandwich out of a trashcan,” replied Max.

“I’m a rat!” exclaimed Matty. “It’s expected behavior!”

“Yeah, sure, play the lower species card,” Max said with a disappointed shake of his head. “And by the way, I’ll have you know that you’re completely wrong. My interest in Lady Veronique is purely carnal.”

“Huh?” asked the rat.

“You wouldn’t get it, but people like her positively soak my lobes in endorphins. Forget all that vampire drama. Hot rich girls with unresolved daddy issues for miles are enough enticement as it is! Bring them on!” Max said giddily. “When I bring back her father’s head, things will either get horrifyingly horizontal in the weirdest way imaginable, or she’ll have a complete emotional breakdown, and I’ll get to laugh at her despair. Either way, it’s gonna be a show worth watching.”

“Heh, you’re funny, Max,” said Matty admiringly.

“What can I say? Humor comes naturally to me,” replied Max with a pleased smile.

“But are you sure the boss won’t mind us being here?” Matty asked.

“We’re just honoring the deal we made,” Max said with his unnerving grin. “It’s not a proper regime switch if you leave the old leadership alive, is it? Entrenched management can be so problematic when trying to introduce a new era. We mustn’t fight the urge to purge.”

“I don’t get it, though,” said the rat with a confused expression on his face. “Why’d we have to sneak out if we aren’t doing anything wrong? Why didn’t we just tell the boss where we were going?”

“Because, dummy, we’re showing initiative,” Max said impatiently. “Let me assure you, the people in charge of sensitive enterprises like this just love it when their people start taking matters into their own hand without informing them.”

“Yeah, but without permission…” said Matty.

“Hey!” Max said indignantly. “Let’s you and I get one thing straight, Steamboat Wilhelm! I don’t have to tell anybody anything. Blondie’s my partner, not my noose. I go where I want to go, when I feel like it, capisce?”

In response, the rat’s voice began to deepen to an ominous level as it arched its back and stared threateningly at its companion. “Did you just call our master…Blondie?”

Max, not universally known for his tolerance of being corrected or threatened, had to momentarily resist the urge to punt the rat into a tree, tempted though he was. That would have led to a fight, and although Max was extremely powerful, Matty would have made a dangerous opponent.

What’s worse, is that if he hurt the rat, he would almost certainly draw the ire of its creator, his alleged partner in arms, for whom Matty was a dearly loved pet. Which was the primary reason Max had taken the pest along with him for this little jaunt.

A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

To annoy her.

Despite the aggravating insistence of a good many people, that girl was not his master. Max served only himself! Field trips like this were a reminder that he wasn’t a member of her conceited little psychotic majesty’s rabble.

She’d get the point eventually.

“Whoa, calm down there, sport!” Max said quickly in a placating manner as he held up his hands. “It’s an affectionate nickname, that’s all! You know I’d never intentionally disrespect her highness or whatever we’re supposed to call her. What sort of an idiot would I be to do something like that?”

“A dead one,” the rat said while continuing to stare.

“Well, you know what they say, pal. It’s better to make someone beg for forgiveness than it is to grant them permission to die,” Max replied loftily.

“Is that how that saying goes? That doesn’t feel right,” said Matty, whose sheer confusion at his friend’s words had cooled off his killing anger.

“Now you’re correcting my sloganeering,” Max said sadly. “Gosh, Matty, you sure do like pushing your weight around, you puffy little bully. Now I feel embarrassed.”

“I’m not a bully,” the rat said defensively.

“You absolutely are! But I’d never think to correct you, because then you’d just bully me some more. You’re awful.”

“Aw, geez, I’m sorry, Max!” Matty said. “Don’t be upset, okay? We’re friends, aren’t we?”

“Of course we are!” Max said. “I’m way too generous in spirit to hold a lasting grudge.”

“You are?” asked Matty wonderingly.

“I am!” Max said enthusiastically. “And I know from the tip of my toes to the top of my skull that you are as well. That’s why I thought to myself that out of everyone in the crew, Matty would be the best one to take along with me for a fun trip to an alternative reality.”

“You did?” Matty asked excitedly.

“I sure did!” Max said with a smile. “And you know why? Because you’re far too cool to care what anyone else thinks. In fact, you don’t even need to think at all! Thinking is for losers. It’s for people who don’t have it together like you do.”

Matty nodded eagerly as he absorbed this wonderful new information about himself. Max was right, thinking was certainly a pointless endeavor when it came to being a rat. Why should he trouble himself with it? Max was better at it anyway. He always had interesting ideas. That was why he was fun to be around.

Even if everyone else thought otherwise.

“Glad you’re onboard, rat!” Max said happily as he gave Matty a little scratch beneath his chin. “Now, do your tracking trick and let’s go find our stray.”

“On it! Right on it!” Matty said as he leapt from Max’s shoulder and began sniffing the air. Then he ran into the night, leaving a trail of blue light in his wake for Max to follow as their hunt began.

__

Before long, their search brought them to the raised walls of the Narrows, where Matty said the trail was white hot. “This place must have been his home for a while,” he said as Max cut an entrance for them into the town. “He’s been every which way around here.”

“And you’re sure its him?” Max asked as he continued to follow.

“Totally,” Matty said confidently. “I was built to see dimensional distortions. So that I can see what belongs where when it’s inside the palace. This guy, everywhere he walks, it’s like he’s leaving echoes of himself spread thin. It’s weird! But it definitely vibes with Dimension V.”

“Are we still calling it that?” Max asked with an embarrassed groan. “Dimension V?”

“It’s a dimension ruled by vampires ain’t it?” asked Matty. “The boss likes it! I like it too!”

“You only like it because she does, you suck up,” Max said with a sneer.

“That’s probably true. Yeah, you’re right,” Matty affirmed. “What’s wrong with that?”

“Ugh. Nothing.” Max said with a hand over his eyes.

Soon the pair arrived at an unexpected scene of carnage. Max whistled to himself at the sight of spilled blood, dead bodies, and destroyed scenery. It looked to his seasoned eye as though someone had gone to town on a few unlucky fools in a one-sided melee.

Well, whatever the cause, the results looked…fun.

“Cheese and rice, what happened here?” asked Matty as they surveyed the scene. Citizens and town watchmen alike were beginning to crowd the area, all seeking answers. Although Max was displeased to have so many people taking up space, he was amused by the fear that had settled over the crowd. The suspicious looks being sent his way had him inwardly tittering.

“Looks like Vamp Daddy duked it out with some of the local talent,” Max smirked as he examined the bodies. “Looks like he got real messy with it too. I mean, I guess he would. That’s bloodsuckers for you.”

“The sun just set, though,” Matty said worriedly. “By the smell of it, these guys were killed hours ago. In the middle of bright daylight. Are vampires supposed to be able to do that?”

“Wesley Snipes can,” Max said knowledgeably.

“Wesley Snipes isn’t real!” Matty said. “I’ve seen him on television. Nothing on television’s real, the boss told me so.”

“God, It’s so painful when someone almost understands something while still being completely wrong about it,” Max said while rolling his eyes. Then he heard the sobbing of a woman in misery and his ears perked up. “Well, what have we here?”

The cries were emanating from a tavern where upon entrance, Max and Matty bore witness to a beautiful black-haired teenager cradling the body of an older woman that she greatly resembled. Beside her stood a battered looking young man who appeared to be her age, alongside an older watchman with a haggard expression on his face.

“Did I miss something?” Max asked. “I feel as though I missed something. I did, didn’t I?”

“Who the hell are you?” the older man asked harshly. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m looking for my friend,” Max replied. “Maybe you know him? I don’t know what he looks like, but we’re really close! He probably does stuff like killing all of your friends. Which I’m guessing he did? And if so, isn’t that just like him?”

“You know Kyler?” the girl said as she raised her tear-reddened eyes to stare furiously at Max. “You know that bastard?”

“Know him? We’re practically family!” replied Max cheerfully.

“Kill him, Doug!” she screamed. “KILL HIM!”

The older man came running at Max with a drawn sword that he plunged through Max’s chest with a vicious forward thrust. As he began to pull it free to deliver another deadly blow, Max placed his hand just beneath his jaw and flicked his chin with his middle finger. Doug’s head snapped back upon impact with such force that his neck was instantly broken. He then collapsed, dead at Max’s feet.

The boy, seeing his ally fall, bellowed a battle cry and charged fearlessly at Max, who responded by sidestepping him and holding out his foot. The boy, due to having only one hand to catch himself with, crashed painfully to the floor and broke his nose.

“Let’s give that guy a hand, everyone. Clap if you believe,” Max snickered before turning his attention to the girl. “Hey, sweetie. Are you having a bad day?”

The girl stared at him in silence, either unwilling or unable to speak.

“Is that your sister?” he asked, gesturing at the body she held.

“This is my mom,” she said reluctantly.

“Really? Wow, great genetics!” Max said approvingly as he examined Jamie’s body. “You look almost exactly like her. Minus the hole in her chest. But I can put one in you myself if you don’t answer my questions. Then the two of you can be twins for Halloween. Doesn’t that sound fun?”

“Please don’t hurt us,” the girl whimpered.

“Hurt who? You and five-fingers over there? Don’t worry about that,” Max said. “Just spill the details on the one who did this to you.”

“You said you already knew who it was,” she replied.

“I do, but It seems like a tale worth hearing,” he said with his empty grin and joyful eyes. “Besides, I like watching people relive their most terrible days. It’s better than a game pass subscription.”

Having no other choice, Cassie began telling him everything.

And the more he learned, the wider Max’s smile grew.

When she was finished, he nodded and said, “Thanks, kid. You were a big help.”

“Will you let us go?” she asked with quiet desperation. “I did what you wanted.”

Max considered her request for a moment.

Looking at the girl, he found that he just couldn’t work up the interest to slice her apart. Look at her! It already seemed like she’d lost everything. What was there left for him to work with? Boring.

So, he shrugged his shoulders and said, “Whatever.”

And having said that, he left her to resume her weeping.

As he exited the tavern, his hands behind his back, and his mind filled with possibilities, Max brought his heel down sharply on the back of Pankratz’s leg and felt the bones beneath it shatter. The sound of the boy’s scream of pain filled his heart with mirth as he stepped forth into the cool evening.

“Hey, Mattie, did you hear all that?” he asked as the rat scrambled out of his coat pocket and resumed its perch on his shoulder.

“Yeah,” the rat said hesitantly. “Max, why'd you do that to the kid’s leg? You know the boss prefers to keep things lawful evil.”

“The law doesn’t exist in the wild,” Max replied serenely.

“But if she finds out she’ll still get mad—” insisted Matty.

“Yeah, yeah, she’s got a vision for things,” Max said impatiently. “Never mind her. Did you hear about Stragos?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Matty said. “We should call this off, Max. He sounds like he could be a real problem. What's the point of even being here?”

“A man shouldn’t avoid a challenge just because it might prove difficult,” Max said softly. “It means he should be resourceful to see his will be done. Besides, you weren’t paying enough attention, dummy! A vulnerability has already presented itself.”

“Huh?” asked Matty.

“Her name is Rachel…” Max said with giddy anticipation. “A cute little baby monster by the sound of it. You ever see what a man will endure to protect his kin, Matty? It’s a riot.”

“Geez, Max,” said Matty nervously. “Do we really have to do all that?”

“Hey, this isn’t about us,” Max said. “Look at poor Cassie and Nick! What about them? Don’t they deserve to be avenged?”

“But since when did we care about—“

“We’re gonna be heeeeros,” Max said dreamily.

GET BACK HERE NOW, projected a powerful thought directly into the minds of the man and the rat.

“Boss?” asked Matty fearfully. “Boss, I didn’t want to come! He made me!”

“Are you literally ratting me out?” Max asked angrily.

“It was all his idea!” Matty continued. “I didn’t wanna, honestly!”

A gateway opened in front of the pair.

“Now hold on,” Max pleaded. “Listen, this is about that vampire thing we were working on last year. Before you react, just listen to what I have to say. The guy we had taken out, he—”

Don’t care, not listening, get back here NOW!

Max clenched his fists in frustration. Then he shrugged and said, “Fine. You’re the one who’s missing out, though. Real shortsighted, Everly. Real shortsighted, I’m telling you.”

Oh, real scary, snorted the voice dismissively. I’m over the vampire thing. Complete waste of time! Just bring me back my rat!

“Fine, but then I’m coming back,” Max insisted.

Like Hell you are! I need you on the cyclops project. You said you were good with them, right? I want my fucking Cyclops army, Max!

“How the hell is that my problem?” asked Max as he and Matty stepped through the gate. “Can’t you just make yourself a bunch of those things in the flesh pits?”

It’s not the same as having real ones!

“Well then why the hell do you even have flesh pits to begin with if you’re not going to use them?!” yelled Max as the portal closed behind them.

Don’t tell me what to do, asshole! And don’t take my rat anywhere without permission! I’ll smite your ass if you do it again. Think I won't? Think again!

“What the hell was even the point of this day?” Max grumbled bitterly to himself.