In earlier days...

When the knocking began, I was sitting alone in my office, brooding in the dark on my throne-like chair. Brooding was a habit I’d gotten into ages ago; I’m not certain where or when I picked it up, but I’d taken to it like a startled goose to belligerent anger. It suited my dark and mysterious nature because it let strangers instantly realize that I was a man who possessed many fascinating qualities, all without me having to say a word.

The subject of this evening’s contemplation was taffy. Earlier in the day, from my window, I witnessed a pair of children on their way to school sharing some between themselves. They smiled as they chewed on it, while bouncing merrily along the way to their lessons, and I thought: why am I denied such simple pleasures?

As a vampire, although I possessed power and knowledge that mortal men could only dream of, my diet was woefully simple. I couldn’t consume anything that wasn’t meat or blood. Not even candy. Even the humblest human child knew a joy that I’d never be able to partake of.

Oh, the jealousy I felt! If I could but know that blissful sweetness which those tots took for granted, could I too have been as carefree and happy as they now were? How would my life have turned out? Who might have Kyler Stragos become?

Curse my bitter existence! Curse the powers of darkness which fueled me! Why was I destined to dwell forever alone in the shadows, with no one to understand my unending pain—

Someone knocked loudly on the front door.

“Would someone get that please?” I called out.

No one responded. The knocking continued.

“Ugh,” I groaned as I stood up to do it myself. Useless servants.

I called out more names as I walked and was greeted with further silence, which I found greatly annoying. Why did I bother keeping any thralls, sorry, I mean lesser kin, around if they weren’t going to make themselves useful? I could have devoured them but instead I gave them a job. But were they here, doing it? Obviously not!

Their shirking of their duty made me feel as though my generous nature was being taken advantage of. I would have to speak to the staff later and remind them of their master’s expectations. After all, I was the Lord of Blood; my time was too precious to waste greeting people at the door like some…greeter or what have you.

Yes, I was going to give my people a real earful.

Never mind, they were all dead.

Dahlia Moon Ivy, the youngest of my three brides, but the greatest of them in her capacity for murderous lunacy, was hunched over…what was his name? Winston? Bradley? I want to say…Carl? Well, whatever it was, she was making a meal out of him. Vivid red chunks of him were spread out all over the floor and walls, and quite a bit of him was covering her lips, throat, and tie-dyed shirt as well.

The rest of the staff lay nearby in an equal state of dismemberment. It appeared that I had been so concentrated on my brooding that I hadn’t noticed their desperate struggle to survive. What I’d mistaken for knocking must have been Dahlia bashing someone to death against a wall. This realization didn’t feel great, but at the same time, didn’t that mean that my ability to stay focused was top notch?

Good for me.

Still, this was all quite messy. Why hadn’t anyone informed me she’d escaped her residential care?

“Dearest? What brings you by?” I asked as I carefully made certain to make no sudden movements. I was far more powerful than she was, but whenever Dahila was having one of her little episodes, she’d forget things like that. I was in no mood to regenerate any organs, so it was better to help her settle down rather than express anger over her outrageous behavior.

“Oh, wow, I like, don’t know?” she said. “I was like waaaay out of the way, in some sort of way? And I was feeling scrambled, like yolked! Y’know?”

“I probably don’t, beloved,” I said. “But it sounds very interesting. You wouldn’t happen to be back on something hallucinogenic, would you? I thought we agreed with Doctor Simone when she said they weren’t helping with your recovery.”

“Oh, she was such a square!” pouted Dahlia. “Like always with the these and the this and the those, and the nose. Or did I mean no plural?”

“I’m sure I have no idea. Did you eat her as well?” I asked.

“Still picking my teeth with her,” Dahlia nodded happily.

“I thought so,” I sighed. Then I held out my hand to her. “Well, come on. It’s been a while. What’ve you been doing for the last decade? Got any new hobbies?”

“Macrame!” she shouted as we stepped into the kitchen.

“Are you any good at it?” I asked.

“Fucking terrible,” she said with good cheer.

“That figures,” I said with a smile after pressing a hidden panic button concealed beneath one of the kitchen’s counters before joining her at the table.

Dahlia is one of my favorite people in the world. She possesses an irrepressible sense of Joie de vivre that I find irresistible. Her fearless and accepting nature in addition to the delight she takes in simply being alive has endeared her to me greatly. I love her very much. She really would be the perfect woman if she wasn’t also a mass-murdering lunatic on a hair trigger.

I wish I’d known that about her before we’d gotten married. But what can I say? It was the 60’s, and back then everyone was rushing headfirst into love. But even knowing about her murderous nature wasn’t a complete turn off. I am genuinely fascinated by her complete disengagement from her own behavior. Dahlia could be chatting with someone about one of her favorite free-range pharmaceuticals and then suddenly kill them in mid-conversation without realizing she'd done it until their blood had seeped into her clothing.

It reminded me a little too much of my mother. And since I hate being reminded of my mother, I started avoiding her. Which was perhaps not the kindest thing to do, considering Dahlia’s various problems and the fact that she was still grieving the son we both shared that I’d been forced to destroy.

Yeah.

I’ll admit it: avoiding her was cowardice. So was avoiding our daughter, Veronique. What of it? Cowardice can be a very useful trait when you wish to avoid extremely painful memories as well as the emotionally damaged loved ones who brought them out in you.

I’ve never once claimed to be a good person.

Later, after I had Dahlia collected, I arranged to have her sent to stay with Yona and Ade, her fellow brides who were the only ones other than myself who could control her. I’d originally had the three of them separated because I couldn’t stand the idea of them being together, scheming behind my back. But keeping them individually contained was proving to be too difficult. Especially Dahlia. The only alternative left to me would have meant draining her of blood and having her sealed in a coffin. What we call boxing.

I couldn’t do that to her. Her madness had been exasperated by my confrontation with Jay. There were days when she couldn’t even remember that he was dead. Those were the worst.

Why was I remembering all of this?

Oh, right. Pankratz.

That belligerent oaf reminded me of Jay.

Jason, who I proudly named after a hero of legend.

My bold and fearless son.

Jay.

I hadn’t even realized it. But the attitude was spot on. Too confident. Too sure of himself.

(Too easily manipulated by others.)

I don’t want to remember any of this. Back to the big black void of forgetfulness you go, unpleasant memory. Go away! In fact, this entire dream can beat feet as well. I’m done with it. Can I wake up now? I WANT TO WAKE UP--

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“You know what he meant to me, and you killed him anyway,” Veronique said. “I told you there would come a reckoning.”

“I did what was necessary, daughter,” I said with a bored voice. “And I’m tired of your petulant scorn. Jason was a traitor, and he was dealt with. Now leave my sight. We’ll speak no more of this.”

“That isn’t for you to decide!” she shouted. “Today, my brother will be avenged!”

“And who will be the one that does it?” I asked her mockingly.

In response, Veronique unsheathed her sword and pointed it at me.

My final trueborn child. My little girl.

Of course we had to fight. Of course I had to kill her. Clearly, fate had decided I hadn’t suffered nearly enough and wanted me to complete the set. Four-for-four.

I closed my eyes and took a brief moment to myself to regret ever being born. Then I opened them and said, “Step forth then, if you think yourself so brave. But be prepared for the consequences of defeat. Your siblings weren’t.”

“That’s the last time you will ever threaten me, old man,” she declared.

Behind her, the entryway opened. Into my hall surrounded by his allies marched a familiar, hated foe. Mayner.

“Now you finally pay, abomination,” he said fiercely.

The oceans themselves couldn’t match the swell of disappointment I felt in my daughter. “This is your grand play, Veronique? This broken old fool nursing his worthless grudge? I expected better of you.”

In response, Veronique smiled like a cat about to pounce on her prey.

“Wait until you meet Sophia,” she smirked. Behind the invaders, I saw a woman in white, holding a peculiar spear which drew my eye.

Then Mayner gave his battle cry, and the fight was on…

WHAT?

How had I forgotten that part?

That was a fairly crucial detail to forget, wasn’t it?

Veronique, you treacherous little brat! Did all my troubles stem from your scheming? Has everything gone according to your designs?

…Why do I suddenly feel so proud of you?

Before I could ponder my feelings any further, the loud baying of a dog filled the air, sending me back to the waking world.

__

The sharp sound of Schulz’s barking awakened me with a start, which in turn caused me to knock Rachel, who’d been leaning against me, to the stone floor with a curse.

Then I turned to my left and saw the dead eyes of the siren we’d slaughtered last night staring back at me, and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

I calmed down once I managed to recall the events of last night. We entered the fracture, we killed a bunch of half-dead knights, then I slew a holy paladin, and finally, Rachel and I ganged up on the siren and tore her apart. There was nothing for me to be worked up about. Besides, I’m an old vampire; this was hardly the first time I’d woken up next to a corpse in bed.

Tch. I shouldn’t have drunk so much of that siren’s pink blood. It had a fine taste to it, very distinct and flavorful. But as a vampire born of mankind, drinking the blood of anything other than a human being could have an intoxicating, stupefying effect on me. It was the same for Rachel as well.

My appetite had been triggered due to healing from the wounds I’d allowed Sir Euon to inflict on me. Because of that, I couldn’t resist draining the siren. Rachel had joined in as well, resulting in us both passing out on the creature’s bed and taking a long nap. Luckily, it takes a full day following the death of the dungeon lord for a conquered fracture to fade from existence, otherwise that little misjudgment might have cost us dearly. But we still took so long that Schulz had come searching for us out of concern for our safety.

What can I really say except, whoops? I’m new at this dimensional dungeon delving thing. I’ll do better next time. I have all the time in the world to improve.

That dream, though. Goodness, what a mess it was inside my head.

“Kyler, would you stop knocking me on the floor all the time?” Rachel grumbled as she climbed to her feet. Then she rubbed her head delicately and winced. “Ugh, what the hell do they put in siren blood? I feel like my head’s gonna explode.”

“Change into your human form, it helps,” I told her after I’d done it myself.

“Oh! So much better,” she said after following suit. “It felt like my skull was going to crack in half for a minute there.”

“Yes, non-human blood can affect us like that,” I said. “Think of it as a supernatural variation of Montezuma’s revenge. But with splitting headaches instead of dysentery.”

“It sure tasted good, though,” she said.

“It did,” I agreed. That was when I noticed that the remains of the siren were emitting a familiar golden light. “Well, well, well. Looks like there’s something here to collect for the Gore Grimoire.”

[Charm males].

Your singing voice has the ability to enrapture any male that listens to it, giving you bonuses to persuasion. The longer you sing, the more difficult you become to ignore.

“Hard pass,” I said immediately. “Would you like it?”

“Why would you pass on it?” Rachel asked curiously. “It sounds awesome.”

“I dislike singing, and I’ve no desire to seduce men,” I replied. “Besides, I already have [Mesmerize], which is easier to use and far more powerful. This skill is redundant.”

“But you can only use [Mesmerize] while in vampire form,” she said. “What if you come under attack in the daylight? Wouldn’t having a charm ability come in handy?”

“I suppose,” I said reluctantly.

“And look,” she continued. “It’s specifically targeted for men! Aren’t most of the people who try to kill us primarily men?”

“I suppose,” I repeated.

“I really can’t think of a reason for you to pass on this,” Rachel said. “Unless you’re a little homophobic?”

“What? Rachel, come on, that’s just rude.”

“I could understand it, I guess,” she said. “You came of age in a different time.”

“I hold no such bias,” I told her flatly.

“Have you ever been with a guy?” she suddenly asked. Which I suspected was the question she wanted to ask from the start.

“I prefer women,” I said. “And sleeping with men wouldn’t prove anything, you dolt. Homophobia can be internalized.”

“So, you’ve never been with another man?” she asked. “Not ever in a thousand plus years of life?”

I searched my memories for a bit and then shook my head. “No. Well, there might have been a thing with Lord Byron once, but at the time I thought he was Mary Shelly.”

“How do you make a mistake like that?” Rachel wondered.

“Absinthe,” I replied. “Lots of Absinthe. Although now that I think of it, there was also Bowie back in Berlin. Or maybe it was someone dressed as Bowie. It was the seventies, who can even remember? I spent half the time damaging my brain cells with Columbian snow.”

“It snows in South America?”

“Let’s change the subject,” I suggested. “All right, I’ll take the stupid skill.”

After taking a bite from the siren’s heart, I practiced my new ability with Schulz as my guinea pig. They say some truly talented people are gifted with voices that could make an angel weep. The same is true for me, but for the opposite reason.

I wasn’t joking when I said I hated singing. You would too if you were as bad at it as I was.

Rachel thought it was the greatest thing she’d ever seen.

“Kyler’s a siren now, Schulz,” she chortled at the dog. “Kyler’s the prettiest little siren in the ocean!”

“Shut up,” I grunted in embarrassment.

“Kyler! How do you expect to compete with Disney with an attitude like that?” Rachel laughed as we exited the bedroom. “You're going to need to work on your act.”

“Savor this moment while it lasts, brat,” I told her.

“I am! I swear that I am!” she replied merrily.

“So, what do you think of this little jaunt?” I asked her. “Could you see yourself conquering more of these fractures in the future?”

“Sure, I guess,” Rachel said. “The potential for fun is high, but the next time we enter one, I hope we don’t get bogged down so much with the background story. I mean, I get it, the tale regarding the history of this place was tragic and all, but at the same time, was any of it really my problem? I felt like they were trying to make me care, which I resented.”

“Well, this was also a training experience for you,” I said. “Next time, you’ll be unfettered and free to act as you like.”

“Really?” she asked excitedly.

“Really,” I said, nodding in confirmation. “You’re my daughter and my foremost servant. I can’t keep you on training wheels forever, can I?”

“Nice!” she said. “I’m totally going to tear through the next one! RIP and TEAR! Just watch me go!”

“Try to remember some of what I taught you, though,” I said pleadingly as we neared the dimensional gateway. “Fuel an old man’s ego by at least pretending you were listening to me.”

“Of course I will, Kyler,” she said cheekily. “What am I if not an apt pupil?”

“I’ll keep that to myself,” I smirked.

“Meanie!” Rachel laughed as she stuck her tongue at me.

“Hey, Rachel?” I said a moment later.

“Yeah?” she asked.

“I feel as though we’ve forgotten something important,” I said.

“Really? What could that be?”

“I don’t know. I’m close to remembering it, but it’s feels just out of reach. Like a bit of food caught between my teeth that I can’t quite remove.”

“Should we be concerned?” Rachel asked in a worried tone of voice. “This could be serious.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I mean, on the one hand I’m bothered by the gap in my memory, but on the other hand, if it was truly important then would it have been so easily forgotten? I don’t think it would have been.”

“Oh,” she said. “Well, in that case, I won’t give it any further thought. Who cares what it could be? You and I are two badass, unstoppable vampires. There’s nothing in the world that we need to fear!”

“You’re right,” I nodded. “You’re absolutely right! We’re Stragos and Rachel. The Lord of Blood and his vicious right hand! Inexorable as the grave. Whosoever crosses us shall know true sorrow.”

“Hell to the YES,” Rachel cheered. “I like that word. Inexorable. It feels so right.”

“It’s them! It’s them!” Cassie yelled when we appeared at the other end of the portal.

Guns clicked, spells hummed, spears were aimed, and swords were drawn, all pointing our way.

“Oh, right! Cassie and Pankratz,” I said as I slapped myself on the forehead. “Rachel? We forgot about Cassie and Pankratz.”

“You think?” she said we raised our hands in surrender.

It must have been due to the siren’s blood. While we were out, they’d regained consciousness and escaped. And judging from all the hunters currently directing their weapons at us, Cassie had contacted her fellow students from Vandal Academy for back up.

After giving the ferocious warriors assembled before me a scrutinizing look, I settled on an appropriate plan of action.

“Rachel,” I said quietly. “When I give the signal, jump back into the portal. We’ll hide in there until sunset then break through to make our escape. Okay?”

“Okay, Kyler.” Rachel said nervously. “I’m with you.”

Behind us, the portal faded from existence.

“Rachel, we must have been in there longer than we realized,” I said to her.

“God damn it,” Rachel moaned. “I blame that cozy mattress for this.”

“I blame the siren’s blood,” I said. “That stuff is diabolical.”

“I think I hate sirens now,” she said. “Sirens are trash.”

“I couldn’t have said it better,” I agreed.

“GET ON YOUR KNEES, FREAKS!” yelled a familiar voice as Pankratz came stomping our way. Healthy as could be and apparently free of our influence.

“Hey, Nick!” I said in greeting. “Do you feel better?”

“Try resisting and I’ll show you,” he promised. “I DARE you!”

“Well, that’s great news,” I said as Rachel, and I dropped to our knees and waited to be cuffed.

Wasn’t that great news?