Dealing with the Koler crabs turned out to be more labor intensive than I anticipated.

The first issue was that there were so many more of them than Tradesman Calford had suggested. Seventy-five of them, in fact. They’d completely overrun the pond. How could they be here in such numbers? Why hadn’t they yet expanded their territory? There were more than enough of them to do it.

How had the Calford family kept things quiet? This was a burgeoning emergency for sure. The town had to be alerted. Perhaps a dispatch should have been sent to Gardenia, where there would be hunters strong enough to deal with this situation before it spiraled out of control.

Well, I suppose that was where I came in.

“I should have asked for more than free meals,” I muttered to myself.

“Do you really think so?” snarked Rachel.

“I do,” I said.

“Well, good for you,” she replied.

Rachel had been in a sour mood ever since I met the lovely Jamie earlier in the day. I suspected she didn’t care for our flirtatious banter. Which made sense I suppose; Rachel had a deeply religious background and likely didn’t approve of such interactions between the opposite sexes.

I looked forward to the night when she woke and realized that she was now a vampire and no longer had to be a judgmental prude. I suspected that joyous time was still a long, long way off, though. In the meanwhile, I would have to continue enduring her pathologically puritanical outlook on life.

Yay.

“What are you thinking right now?” she asked me.

“How fortunate I am to have acquired such dear new friends,” I replied.

“That feels like a lie.”

“It is.”

The second issue was that the Koler Crabs were extremely durable and much faster than they looked. At first glance, they were doddering, misshapen things with fat armored torsos that sat low on four wide, swollen legs. Their eyes were on two cartoonish looking stalks that jutted from their ugly heads, giving them a look of continual confusion.

If not for their massive pincers, they would look mostly harmless.

At least until you saw them move.

“M’HAWK!” squawked one of them as it suddenly ran at a smaller one that had gotten too close. After a brief, violent struggle, the bigger one snipped the other’s shell open and began greedily sucking the flesh out of it. After finishing its meal, it discarded the remnants and wandered away.

A cannibalistic species. I can relate to that. Fast and strong too. They were far more dangerous than I first realized. But the worst news was yet to come.

Before my eyes, the smaller crab’s body began trembling violently as new flesh began to push out through the exposed areas of its broken shell, replacing everything the larger one had torn away. In less than a minute, it was completely restored.

That was an incredible ability to heal. No wonder their numbers kept going up despite their cannibalism. These things were virtually immortal.

Well, I suppose I’d now have to put them to the test, wouldn’t I? What greater joy for a warrior than to face a worthy opponent?

“This is going to be impossible,” Rachel suddenly said.

“No,” I smiled. “This is going to be a challenge!”

For some reason, she didn’t share my enthusiasm.

__

“Stay back, boy,” I ordered Schulz after luring one of them away from the others.

My familiar’s jaws might have possessed crushing power comparable to a large crocodile, but the Koler crab’s sturdy shell might be able to withstand that pressure long enough for it to deliver a mortal blow with those damn pincers. Even worse, the crab’s absurd healing ability would negate any damage that Schulz’s jaws could deliver. It would be a poor matchup for him.

“M’kaw!” it screeched in that hostile warbling voice of theirs. “M’kaw! M’kaw! M’KAAAAAW!”

By the dark, that was quickly becoming annoying. I really wanted to kill this thing. I wanted to pry its shell off its body with my bare hands and tear out its heart. But that was my bestial nature speaking; my animal urge to assert myself over any who dared to resist me.

I had to remain clinical in my approach to this challenge. It would be reason and reason alone that would deliver me victory. Acting in haste could mean defeat.

As I thought about it, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the crab’s behavior was an evolutionary trait designed to provoke its assailants into making rash decisions. Who wouldn’t let down their guard while getting “M’KAWED” at? You’d be so focused on killing the annoying pest as quickly as you could that you wouldn’t notice that it had already disemboweled you.

If so, that was a clever trick. Proof that there was more to the monsters of this world than what could be seen with the naked eye. I needed to remember that I wasn’t out here fighting a duel; I was testing this creature, feeling it out in combat to determine the most efficient way to dispose of it. I had to relax, ignore its provocations, and take my sweet time.

“M'KAAAAAAW!” it cried out again as it began to motion from side to side as it attempted to slowly close the distance between us without alerting me.

“Really? How very interesting,” I replied as I bit deeply into the bottom of my left hand and let the resulting flow of blood well up in my palm.

It was time for a little Sanguis Magicae. Blood magic. The dreaded school of evocation that only a vampire could practice. An unholy merging of the two existential powers that defined how we viewed reality: Life and Death.

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Blood magic was capable of many, many horrors. I knew that best, because in my previous existence as Kyler Stragos, I was the Lord of Blood and thus its supreme practitioner. My knowledge of its horrors was unmatched, tempered only by my cautious use of it. The sanguine arts were easy to lose control of. Caution was paramount for success.

Although the system employed by this world currently limited me from making full use of my former powers, there were still some small tricks left available to me, even in my diminished state. One of them was converting my blood into a deadly neurotoxic compound that would horribly kill anyone exposed to the slightest bit of it.

While that sounded terrible, it could still be dispelled by a sufficiently powerful mage, or by possessing a powerful ability to heal. If I hadn’t converted Schulz into my familiar, the microscopic bits of my blood that he’d absorbed when he bit me would have eventually killed him.

My first test was to see if my deadly blood would be enough to end this creature. Too find out, I quickly scooped up a pebble from the ground, rolled it around my bloody palm for a bit and then hurled it through one of my opponent’s protruding eyes with as much force as I could, bursting the orb with the strength of my throw.

My efforts were rewarded with another shriek of “M’KAAAWW!” but the pitch of this scream suggested this was cry of pain, which I relished. Soon foam began bubbling from the lips of the crab, as its other eye began to dribble with blood-flecked pus.

Just as I began to hope that this would be enough, I was disappointed by the sight of the crab’s wounded eye restoring itself. Soon, it was completely back to full health, now saying “M’KAW!” in a way that suggested mocking laughter.

“Got any other ideas?” Rachel asked.

“Still sussing it out, I’m afraid,” I replied.

“Well, Suss faster, please!”

“I really do appreciate how polite you’ve grown over time,” I said to her.

Meanwhile, the crab continued to jitter and laugh at us.

That cocky little fool.

How dare he be so arrogant? If I hadn’t been reduced to my current status by bad luck, he wouldn’t have lasted a tenth of a second against me. Oh, well. At least my question had been answered. Poison wouldn’t be enough to seal the deal. It also meant my spear's ability to deliver unhealing wounds would probably be negated.

But wait, what if it just needed a little help? This thing’s healing might be enough to fight off Rachel’s curse of wounds, and my poisonous blood, but perhaps that was only because it was able to focus on each condition individually.

What would happen if it had to face both at the same time?

With that thought in mind, I grinned wickedly and smeared my blood on the tip of the spear.

“What are we doing now?” she asked as I sprang forward.

“Delivering the good news,” I said as I prepared to attack.

“What’s the good news?”

“I win!”

I thrust my spear into the Koler crab’s neck and felt the tip of my blade strike home, causing the beast to squeal with pain. I rejoiced at the creature’s anguish, as I next began attacking its joints and other vulnerable areas not protected by its shell. I went for as many as I could find, as quickly as I could do it.

No matter how powerful a regenerative effect our target possessed, with my toxic blood coating Rachel’s sharp edge, the crab wouldn’t have time to heal no matter how great its poison resistance and physical regeneration were. Not when we were delivering too many wounds at once for it to handle.

It was the classic death by a thousand papercuts.

What a beautiful sight it made when the bastard thing finally collapsed to its side and began violently shivering, no longer able to stand against us. Without even a final “M’kaw,” to announce its departure from this world, the crab trembled once and then died.

“Delightful,” I said to myself with a pleased nod.

“There’s still more of them!” Rachel said. “And they’re all as strong as this one! We can’t possibly do this on our own.”

“And yet we must,” I reminded her. “I’ve already given my word to have the situation sorted by morning’s light. I must abide by my promises, Rachel. Reneging on an obligation is irresponsible.”

“We’ll be killed! All of us!” she yelled.

“We’re already dead,” I reminded her. “What’s left to fear?”

“You’re not a real vampire, Kyler Stragos!” Rachael said with growing frustration. “Not anymore! It’s just a class! A class you can set aside whenever you like! You’re no longer bound by the monstrous compulsions that drove you in that existence. So, show some consideration for those of us forced to follow you and behave less like a monster and more like a human being!”

I froze in place, momentarily lost for words. In that moment I was struck dumb with amazement by how someone as old as Rachel allegedly was, could project so much arrogance and ignorance in but a single breath.

Be less monstrous and behave like a human?

What the hell was she playing at?

“Rachel, my opinionated child, thank you for your council,” I said after calming myself. “I believe I understand the reasoning that informed your ill-chosen words, and so I’ve decided not to be offended by them.”

“I wasn’t trying to offend you, I was—”

“Let me finish please,” I said, cutting her off. “I said I’ve forgiven you this time. Any future inferences on your part won’t be so easily brushed away. I’m a vampire, Rachel. But I’ve never once in all my long years considered myself a transcendent being. I’m not deluded enough to fool myself with such a comforting lie. Yes, my body and instincts are monstrous and often cruel. But my mind has never been anything other than what it always was. Utterly human.”

“Your mark on history says otherwise,” she countered. “No decent human could do what you’ve done and live with themselves.”

“Name one sin committed by Kyler Stragos that other men haven’t equaled or bettered,” I scoffed.

“You led legions of undead across the globe and butchered thousands of brave warriors who stood against you!”

“War,” I yawned. “They lost. I won. Anything else?”

“You spared no one in your fields of red! You were known for leaving no survivors!”

“And what would they have done with me had they proven victorious?” I asked her. “You make it sound as if defeat meant being imprisoned and paying a fine. Listen carefully daughter: had I lost, they would have gladly dragged me into the sun and laughed at the sight of me burning before it. But not before torturing me until they got bored listening to my screams.”

“You deserved to be punished!” Rachel insisted.

“During those wars, every overture to the enemy for surrender was defied. Every brave messenger I sent was either turned away or killed. The leaders of the opposing force declared our conflict a holy war and gave every vampire that fell into their hands a horrific and undignified ending. They also murdered any human being they considered a collaborator. I merely dealt with them as they would have dealt with me, and even then, I was kinder than my three elder siblings would have been. In the lands I ruled, those who fought, died, and those who abstained were spared. What’s fairer than that?”

“You conquered them, Kyler,” countered Rachel. “You set yourself above them and denied them the freedom that all are due. Where is there room for growth beneath a tyrant’s heel?”

“A tyrant who instituted and enforced laws,” I snapped back. “A tyrant who permitted freedom of religion without discrimination and allowed self-rule as long as his subjects remained loyal! If I didn’t understand something, I employed experts who did. I also promoted education and civic pride! My subjects were happy, and that’s the part the little crusaders like to ignore in their rush to condemn me. That the people under my stewardship were happy, well-fed, and safe. That the resources I controlled were well-managed and equally distributed without favoritism! That under my reign, there was peace.”

“Peace at the point of a sword is just a pretty way of describing oppression,” Rachel said solemnly.

And once more I was dumbstruck. Twice in one night. Incredible.

“Daughter?” I said after I once again managed to settle my extremely conflicted feelings.

“Yes, Kyler?” she asked.

“You’ve got me thinking,” I said. “Now I need to know for sure.”

“I’ll try my best to provide an answer,” she replied.

“I was just wondering…,” I began.

“Yes?” she said.

“Could you perhaps be…a complete fucking idiot?” I asked with the utmost sincerity.

An answer was not immediately forthcoming.

“Well, whatever. Since you insist that I do this as a human, then I’ll show you exactly how mankind would deal with these beasts. Prepare yourself, Rachel. It’s going to be an enlightening display.”