After a quick break, nothing was left to do except push to the second room. I wasn't tired, but my dad's favorite saying, "Measure twice, you little shit, and don't fuck up," still applied. It was better to rest when I didn't need to than to relax than to need to sleep but couldn't.
Eventually, I swung my backpack on again and started moving. I had an inventory, but it only had three spaces. That is where I kept my wallet and phone when I delved. I would need to get a [Crystal] to expand it, and I couldn't afford that yet.
The far side of the room had an ordinary door in regular drywall. The doorknob was black and modernist, and the door was the standard slab hollow core painted white. It opened into the room I was standing in.
Tacked to the door was a large-three-breasted woman in a knit yarn bikini who looked like she had just stepped out of a swimming pool. She was holding a bottle of something I assumed was beer. The text on the poster was illegible. The beer girl was kind of mid for a marketing ad. Despite her three bobs, I would still probably do her; More to love. I wouldn't even need to be drunk. I opened the door.
The more important question was this. Was there a dungeon somewhere filled with swimming pools, alien beer, and three-breasted chicks. A slight bitterness filled me that I had goblins and not poontang populating my guestroom.
Outside was a dark hallway. I reached over and flipped on the light switch, and a set of ceiling lamps lit up. Immediately to my left was another door. There were another door and a stairway further into the short hallway.
Opening the door immediately to the left of me, the light from the hallway ceiling lamps illuminated a bathroom. A nightlight was in the wall outlet above the sink, and another switch was inside the door. I flipped the light switch on and saw an ordinary toilet and a simple blue subway tile backsplash. There was no shower or bathtub.
The opportunity presented itself, so I unzipped my pants, lifted the toilet seat, and whipped out my dick.
"Ahhhh," I said, taking a piss.
Usually, I don't look down to aim. I've spent a good chunk of my life pissing and gotten a lot of practice at it. Splatter and getting some on the floor is one of life's immutable truths. Sometimes you just miss. Other times you just don't care. This time, however, I was smart, like a cucumber. I realized that a delver must constantly be on guard of their nether regions in a dungeon. Solo adventurers never know when something will jump out of some random dungeon toilet somewhere and bite your junk.
Instead of water, the toilet was filled with a jelly-like substance, meekly waving pseudopods at me. Cursing my foolishness, I kept pissing on the slime and then flushed the toilet. Bluewater washed away my pee and the monster. Easiest experience ever.
Then I had a thought. I had just flushed the loot down the drain along with the monster. Fuck. There was a plunger beside the toilet, and I frantically pumped the plunger, trying to get my loot back... I mean, slime back. It was gone.
Screw it. What did I need pissed-on-loot for, anywho? It probably sucked ass.
Running the sink for a bit before I washed my hands seemed like the safe course of action. The cool water was comforting. I pumped some liquid soap from the dispenser onto my hands.
Shit, fucking, Christ!. Another slime. The soap was a mother-fucking slime.
The bits of the acidic bastard burning my hands had the consistency of semen. It stuck to everything and dripped all over. I bashed my hands down on the sink, which did nothing except spread the biatch and turn around. My hands and some of my arms were becoming pus-covered red-blistered messes. Running my hands under the water, and the acidic slime wouldn't wash off. My guess is it was getting revenge for flushing its little friend. Finally, in desperation, I wiped my hands on my shirt, transferring the mess to the fabric. That worked, except the fabric of my shirt began to dissolve.
I carefully removed my shirt by ripping it from my body; I Couldn't pull it over my head, or it might get on my face. Before dropping that clothing on the floor, I ensured my hands were clean. Holes from the slime's acid covered the fabric.
My hands hurt. In some places, I could see the bone, and blood was pouring down my arm. In my HUD, my hitpoint bar was down to half. That wasn't good, but the bar had stopped going down.
The rest of the slime poured out of the soap dispenser. Tendrils on the sink were trying to reconnect with the slimy bits on my shirt. I hadn't killed the thing, and the fucker had almost killed me.
"You're on my list, you son of a bitch. Yeah, that's right. I've made a list, and I'm taking down names!" I yelled at the non-sentient jelly.
I exited the bathroom and returned to the first room where the goblins had been. The blood and guts of the killed goblins stained the floor. The room smelt like iron. The dungeon wouldn't clean up until I left this place.
Son of a bitch my hands hurt. I hopped onto my guest room bed and lay back to heal. I considered leaving again to heal IRL but fuck it. If I was going to be a successful delver, I had to be a tough MoFo.
Since this would take a few shakes of a lamb's tail, I figured I might as well check out my [Status].
Update Status? Yes No
I selected [Yes], and a bar showing the percentage complete of my [Status] update appeared in my HUD along with the words [Status] by DominoRay Ver. 0.0.034
I had heard about this update. There was a lot of talk on the Reddit forums. There were also a lot of nobodies, however, who talked shit and knew nothing talking about it too. They blathered on and on about how great and awesome the update was gonna be. Like they wouldn't shit their pants the moment, they set foot in a place like this.
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Status Name: Randy Luster Current Alias: Randy Luster Class: NA Level: 0 Experience: 53 xp Points to Next Level: 50 xp Attributes Strength: 12 Stamina: 93/120 Endurance: 10 Health: 45/100 Vitality: 14 Agility: 13 Dexterity: 10 Social: 7 Charm: 70/70 Willpower: 13 Mana: 130/130 Skills Titles Trees Spells Achievements Menu Friends Guild Inventory Equipment Market Auction Direct Messages Newsfeed Wiki Logs License: DDRV:453B-16EF-****-****-****-**** [Status] by DominoRay Ver. 0.0.034
So [Affinities] had turned into [Trees] like the rumors had said it would. It made sense. Once you got a [Class], you gained access to skill trees associated with that [Class]: [Weapons], [Mana], [Skills] and bullshit like that.
They had added the [Market] and [Auction] functions.
Hmmm. 53 out of 50 Experience points. It looks like I had options. I could level up, which would get me a single point to put into an attributes, pushing me just a bit closer to being able to choose a class. Or I could spend the experience in the [Market] or [Auction].
From what I'd read online the difference between the [Market] and [Auction] was simple. The [Market] was a [System] creation. A place to buy and sell loot, skills, spells, and powers for pre-established generally high prices. It was a company store kind of apocalypse.
On the other hand, the [Auction] was something that [DominoRay] and his backers had dreamt up. It was a human creation based on the loot Delvers snagged for themselves.
Seeing as the [Auction] hadn't even been there an hour ago, it was still probably buggy. There were bound to be far fewer choices. And I imagined the prices would be far lower than the [System] version.
Checking the [Auction], the selection was pathetic. Consoling myself, DominoRay's [Status] wasn't widely used.
Cloth Bandage 1 xp
Goblin Club 1 xp
Goblin Knife 1 xp
Goblin Ear 1 xp
It's a Small World CD 1 xp
Micky Mouse Ears 1 xp
Rusty sword 4 xp
Shiny Stone 1 xp
Slime in Jar 10 xp
…
There were a couple of hundred items listed on the [Auction], and unfortunately, nothing I gave a shit to buy. Still, I took a moment and listed the Goblin spittle bottle of Jack Daniels and the Hitachi Vibrator on the [Auction] for 2xp each.
Next, I checked the [Market]. The difference was immediate. Now there were hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions, of items listed. And they were broken down by function—[Spells], pets, weapons, armor, reagents, potions, and a whole lot more.
What I needed now was something to make fights easier or to cut short my downtime. Which meant I needed skill crystals.
Skill crystals were spells or abilities that dropped randomly after combat. They were entirely outside of the class system and the affinity and talent tree system.
Filtering the skill crystal listed by prices less than 50 xp yielded an interesting list.
Basic Block 49 xp
Basic Club 49 xp
Basic Cure Wound 49 xp
Basic Dagger 49 xp
Basic Dodge 49 xp
Basic Increase Movement 49 xp
Basic Light 49 xp
Basic Long Sword 49 xp
Birth Control 47 xp
Burn 49 xp
Cause Flatulence 40 xp
Cause Poop Pants 40 xp
Cause Baldness 40 xp
Cause Hair Growth 40 xp
Clean location 45 xp
Cure Hangover 45 xp|
Heat object 47 xp
Ignite 49 xp
Increase Charm Recovery 49 xp
Increase Health Recovery 49 xp
Increase Mana Recovery 49 xp
Increase Stamina Recovery 49 xp
Refrigerate object 47 xp
Shock 47 xp
Summon Cheese Slice 47 xp
Summon Chocolate Bar 35 xp
Summon Creamer 20 xp
Summon Cream Cheese 45 xp
Summon Instant Coffee 35 xp
Summon Bacon 47 xp
Summon Bagel (Choc. Chip) 35 xp
Summon Bagel (Everything) 35 xp
Summon Bagel (Plain) 35 xp
Summon Bagel (Pumpernickel) 35 xp
Summon Bagel (Sesame) 35 xp
Summon Crickets 35 xp
Summon Dead Mouse 47 xp
Summon Jam (Blueberry) 35 xp
Summon Jam (Raspberry) 35 xp
Summon Jam (Strawberry) 35 xp
Summon Lettuce 47 xp
Summon Liquid 8oz Budweiser 35 xp
Summon Liquid 8oz Coke 35 xp
Summon Liquid 8oz Lemonade 35 xp
Summon Liquid 8oz Water 35 xp
Summon Peanut Butter 35 xp
Summon Pepperoni 42 xp
Summon Pop Corn 35 xp
Summon Sliced Brown Bread 35 xp
Summon Sliced Rye Bread 43 xp
Summon Sliced Sour Dough 43 xp
Summon Sliced White Bread 30 xp
Summon Sugar 30 xp
Summon Sugar Substitute 30 xp
Summon teabag (Camomile) 30 xp
Summon teabag (Earl Grey) 30 xp
Summon teabag (Green) 30 xp
Summon teabag (Hibiscus) 30 xp
Summon teabag (Oolong) 30 xP
Summon Wax Ball 35 xp
Toast object 34 xp
And so on. And so on.
I could buy hundreds, maybe even thousands of minor skills and spells. The only limiting factor was how many monsters I'd killed and how little I wanted to advance.
Right now, I wanted a Basic Sword and a Basic Cure Wounds or Increased Health Recovery. Now that I had been confronted with my inability to kill the slime in the bathroom, I considered getting some damage-based spells like ignite, fire or shock.
In the end, it was the pain in my leg decided things. My cheap punk ass could only afford an incredibly basic heal, and safety first had been drilled into my brain by a gym coach who had eventually been arrested for raping members of the wrestling team. I spent the money and bought Increase Health Recovery. I was going to a sword class tonight and I had plans for that slime. Oh yes, you little soap bottle, mother-fucker. I had plans for you.