From what I'd read on Reddit, the Dungeon wouldn't respawn until an hour after the adventuring team inside had left. So I was good for a rest in the first room. Wandering mobs wouldn't show up until later, if at all -- nobody knew the specific mechanic of wandering mobs, and if they did, they weren't talking -- and who knew if this little bedroom of monster mayhem even had more than one level. I should be safe taking a short break.

It was time for the important stuff. The post-battle stuff. Loot, drop-prep, and fiddling. I walked over to the corpse of the first goblin I'd killed.

"Loot," I said out loud.

The body of the goblin shimmered in a polyprismatic shimmer and then disappeared. In its place lay $0.41 in pennies and nickels. Well, I wouldn't get rich quickly with this kind of loot. Especially if I had to keep replacing expensive leather pants. But everything was copacetic anyhow. I had access to the [System]. Yeah, that's right bitches, fucking right, I did; I had access to THE MOTHER-FUCKING [System].

Looting the second goblin yielded an old pillowcase. While the corpse of the goblin I'd yeeted produced a quarter and a bent spoon with a crust of months-old dried melted cheese. I'd risked my testicles being gnawed off by naked green humanoids for these trinkets, and that… well, honestly… felt totally unsatisfying. But I'd thought ahead and devised a way to fix that.

I returned to my duffle bag and began taking out the gifts I'd prepared for this moment.

First out was the money. I pulled out stacks of cash.

Money in hand, I began making it rain, scattering the bucks around like I was in my favorite strip joint. It had been expensive to get multiple bills in each denomination. But I figured that if the Dungeon began randomly dropping cash, I wanted numerous serial numbers just in case the IRS or Secret Service decided to come snooping around.

Next, I pulled out a six-pack of Budweiser, a sixer of Coors Light, and six bottles of fruity girly drink for when I had a lady over. Then I added a bottle of Class Azul Tequila, a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label, and some Nolet's Reserve. I followed that libation up with a couple small baggies of weed and a handful of Ritalin 40mg pills, some Adderall, and some Oxy. Finishing my stimulant bonanza, I left 6 tall cans of Monster Energy to drink scattered around the room.

I also needed to concern myself with my own self-protection. So a set of unworn motorcycle leathers, a motorcycle helmet, a pair of Levis in my size, a leather belt, and a couple of my favorite band-tees were added to the mess on the floor. All were worthy of being a sacrifice to the God of Dungeon loot drops if there was such a venerable being.

I made a mental note to visit a sports store to pick up some more football gear and add that to the loot table. My mistake for not thinking of that before I'd come in. Maybe I should order a couple of ballistic vests too. Sucks balls that I hadn't thought about that before this dive started. There was so much to remember.

I tested the shotgun I'd carried with me. Sure enough, guns didn't work in this place. So I laid it on the floor, next to a box of shells I'd bought. Firearms might not work. I could always use more firepower in the real world. If this Dungeon started dropping Winchesters, well… Lucky Me. Like that nutter, Charlton Heston used to say, "They could pry my Dungeon Portal out of my cold dead hands."

Lastly, I took out a spare Cold Steel tanto, a K-Bar, a broadsword I'd bought off Amazon, an aluminum baseball bat, and some foam nunchucks for shits and giggles. That was that. My hopes of random seeding drops were spread across the floor around me.

I had also given some thought to potential mobs. While Goblins and whatever else lay beyond the door out of this room were fine, maybe I could influence the diversity of the challenges I encountered. Muttering to myself, "This is a test. This is only a test. Please don't mutate and eat my face off." I pulled a goldfish in a plastic bag full of water, a mouse in a cardboard box, and a brown anole in a jar I'd caught that morning out of my duffle bag.

That done, I said "[Status]," beyond that one 7 for my social abilities, I was kind of awesome. And even the text fit my personality well.

Status Name: Randy Luster Class: N/A Level: 0 Points to Next Level: 24/50 Health: 43/100 Lethargy: 93/120 Magic: 130/130 Vim: 12 Vigor: 10 Bounce: 14 Fumble Fingered: 13 Clumsiness: 10 Chutzpah: 7 Clueless: 13

If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

Taking a long look around the room for the first time, I noticed that the first room of the Dungeon wasn't the standard goblin cave theme. There was no moss, no dripping stalactites, or limestone stalagmites. Well... I'd noticed before, but I'd been occupied with killing shrimpy green munchkin motherfuckers.

Instead of the cliched underground bog where goblins lived, this initial room looked like a college dorm decorated by a freshman who'd drunk too much LSD-spike frat party punch. Posters which might have been of bands, except that they were so generic no band would ever use them as posters, decorated the walls and hung in odd locations. A cheap desk with a fake laptop was propped against a wall. Both the desk and laptop were made of cardboard and were obviously props. The laptop screen showed a porn site featuring naked and cavorting goblins. The only chair in the room was made of empty beer cases. At least the bed I was resting on was a replica of the one I'd lost. And it was honestly kind of comfy.

Supposedly the Dungeon theme was based on what the Dungeon sucked into its space when it formed. Which meant the whole place was a representation of my guest room. Or was it my subconscious? Was this moronic Dungeon making lifestyle judgments? Well, fuck you, Dungeon. Decore shame away. I've come to crush your monsters, drive them before me, and hear the lamentations of your goblins.

There were a few other things in my duffle bag. I pulled out my cell phone and tried to turn it on. The power didn't work, so I couldn't test if there was a goddamned signal. Hadn't the core ever heard of wifi and DC power? Fucking Samsung, you had one job, and you couldn't even anticipate an apocalypse. When I got out, I would leave a strongly worded negative review.

Bringing up my [Status] screen once again. Damned, but I liked the way it was. It fits me. But there was something I needed to try out. One of the delvers I chatted with on Twitter claimed that a guy was making a template based on stolen corporate research and that anybody could use it. For $40 bucks, he sent me a link to a website for someone or something calling themselves DominoRay.

It cost me another $1000 to get the DominoRay [Status] vocalizations. I would have skipped it, but this Domino guy was hot shit among the people who I assumed were real Adventurers.

Status Name: Randy Luster Current Alias: Randy Luster Class: NA Level: 0 Points to Next Level: 24/50 Attributes Strength: 12 Stamina: 93/120 Endurance: 10 Health: 45/100 Vitality: 14 Agility: 13 Dexterity: 10 Social: 7 Charm: 70/70 Willpower: 13 Mana: 130/130 Skills Titles Affinities Achievements Menu Friends  Guild Inventory Equipment Direct Messages Newsfeed Wiki Logs DDRV:453B-16EF-****-****-****-**** [Status] by DominoRay Ver. 0.0.034

While I liked my old one better, this one had its advantages. Apparently, my bud DominoRay wasn't a lying shithead. Nor had I wasted $1000. In the Direct Message he'd sent me before I sent him my money, he claimed he'd been working at a Silicon Valley start-up with access to a dungeon of its very own. They'd been trying to figure out how to monetize it.

Their company had some minor successes, but he'd been let go just before they could start marketing. Elon Musk bought the company and replaced most of the staff. It was a shitty move, and my contact was bitter and selling trade secrets on the down low. I didn't know if I believed this. Sounded like the anti-establishment bullshit Musk was known for spreading on his Twitter feed. Lies made up to sell [Status] products to many hard-core anti-establishment types. But the [Status] worked, and I decided to go with it until something better came.